1,135 Comments

  1. houblonchouffe +80

    I know it’s already on the LR but

    MOTHERFUCKING STAR WARS YOU GUYS

    I CANNOT STOP

    1. Helen_Damnation +52

      If you’re running low on man-tears there’s some dude on twitter crying a river about a Star Wars film with a female protagonist. It’s kind of beautiful. A very specialized kind, mind you.

    2. bighairnoheart +49

      I saw the trailer, got into my car cause I had to go somewhere, then screamed like a preteen girl at a Hanson concert for the entire trip.

      I’m done. I’m just done until December. I am invincible.

    3. bighairnoheart +32

      A curated collection of manpain. (Thank you birth.movies.death commentor that I copied from. You braved the cesspool that I dare not.)

      “It’s a bit Hunger games for me”

      “Seriously, is Katniss now every lead character?”

      “As long as it doesn’t go full The Hunger Games with the rebellious female thing.”

      “Every time she [Felicity Jones] was on screen it screamed hunger games.”

      “I don’t like the main character all too much.” In reply to this: “Who, Generica Whipsmart?”

      “She seems quite YA Novel-esque. Like something out of The Hunger Games, or that other one that is still going.”

      “Star wars: Divergent: Numba 4”

      “Looks a bit generic tough girl action hero character that is made into the main character so the director can pat himself on the back for being a feminist.”

      “It’s a real missed opportunity not to have the wonderful Jennifer Lawrence play such a unique and original archetype.”

      “For me it is her resting facial position. Her eyebrows and eyes seem to be angry but it is then combined with a bit of a pouty mouth area.”

      “Reminds me too much of Rey, in that she’s kind of thrust into a bad life because her parents are missing. And somehow, the Rebels get caught up with her and just believe in her, man.”

      “Who needs the Jedi with a legion of Mary Sue’s at Disney’s doors?”

    4. Absotively +38

      I’m pretty sure the music at the start and end is Rey’s theme? Or else something very similar.

      I am now hoping that this is Rey’s mom. It would explain why everyone knows about Rey without making her a Skywalker.

      1. bighairnoheart +12

        I think it’s just The Force Theme/Binary Sunset played very slowly on the piano. I want Rey to be no one in particular’s daughter, but I’d honestly be ok with anything but another Skywalker.

        Meanwhile, the only fan theory for Rogue One that I 100% hope is true is that Diego Luna is playing Biggs. Please please please I would be so down for that.

    5. RudyRed +16

      For some reason I totally missed this!!

      HOLY SHIT DONNIE YEN IS IN THIS ONE?!?!?!

      And this trailer looks fucking great?!!!

      AAAAAAAAAHHHHH.

        1. onehundredthjen +9

          I had launched myself wallet-wards before the page even finished loading.

          The “almost there” shirt is awesome too!

      3. swordsnspindles +5

        Ugh, I want this, plus the Pretty Deadly shirt I’ve been eyeing for a while, but overseas shipping is literally as expensive as the shirt. 🙁 Why is the universe this cruel?

    7. GingerHawk +11

      I just keep bursting into smiles all day long over this. I am riding this happy wave all the way until December.

    8. goonerkate +29

      Riiiight?! I am so in for Rogue One it’s insane. The cast is AMAZING. Mads Mikkelsen, Diego Luna, Forest Whitaker, Ben Mendehlson, Alan Tudyk? That is a RIDICULOUS lineup. So many phenomenal character actors. And I have loved Felicity Jones since Northanger Abbey, so her being the lead makes me impossibly happy. Just, love.

      1. RudyRed +17

        I’m still flipping shit over Donnie Yen. He’s a phenomenal actor and martial artist; I really hope they don’t squander his talents in this.

        1. goonerkate +9

          Yes!!! He’ll be incredible, if they don’t waste him (I don’t think they will, but I may be overly optimistic because the trailer is SO GOOD.)

      2. swordsnspindles +7

        OH, Alan Tudyk? And here I thought I couldn’t get more excited. This is going to be so awesome.

    10. katenepveu +24

      I love a good heist movie, so I hope this is fun.

      I am, however, side-eyeing the Asian guy being faux-samurai-warrior-ish, because Star Wars has earned very very little leeway on its treatment of actors of Asian ancestry.

      1. RudyRed +16

        If it makes you feel better (which I understand if it doesn’t), there is another Asian guy who appears to be a more typical bounty hunter in the style of Boba Fett and the like.

        1. katenepveu +15

          I was actually just coming here to edit the comment, having read the breakdown downthread which specifically mentioned another character as played by Jiang Wen! So yes, thank you. =>

    11. BobbieWickham +23

      THEY OUT HERE STRAIGHT DODGING AT-ATS ON FOOT

      I am not totally clear on my SW plot points, but I’m kind of concerned for the eventual fate of Felicity Jones et. al. because isn’t this the mission about which Mon Mothma says “many Bothans died to bring us this information…”?

      1. houblonchouffe +15

        Nope! That’s for the Second Death Star over Endor.

        (but seeeeeriously THOSE AT-ATS ARE HYOOOOOOOGE)

      2. RudyRed +13

        Honestly I’d be okay with a movie in which the main characters die in the end? Because we know their sacrifice was not in vain.

    12. bighairnoheart +23

      Watched the trailer with twelve year boy. He is stoked. We had a discussion about other reactions to it and the fact that some quarters are upset about it came up.

      – Why?
      – Well, some people don’t like that the main character’s a girl.
      – …why?

      He has grown up with Ahsoka and Korra. A female lead isn’t a big thing, it just is. I love it.

  2. intrplanetjanet +52

    Ugh, anyone have stories of staying with a significant other who cheated? I’m facing that question now and it’s … just … blerrrrrrgggh. On an entirely related note, cake recipes welcome.

    1. houblonchouffe +50

      Oh, honey. Be kind to yourself. <3

      not to say that cake isn’t kind because it totally is

    2. Anon for this +53

      I have done this! It involved a lot of introspection and painful interrogating of societally-constructed, deeply-held beliefs that led me to decide that sexual cheating/sexual fidelity is not the most important part of my relationship and not worth breaking up over, as opposed to other forms of emotional/physical betrayal that would feel more devastating yet society has told me to accept (whereas sexual cheating is positioned at the ultimate dealbreaker). For me, I decided that I could trust my partner in the ways that are important to me — emotional support, physical intimacy, reliable about finances/logistics/Being There — without making demands about what they do with their body when we’re not together. Of course, I completely understand that not everyone would come to the same conclusion in my situation.

      1. Harahel +52

        It’s a tough negotiation, but when my husband confessed to me I almost immediately knew I wasn’t going to leave him, despite having sworn to the contrary for years. I came up with a short list of what he would need to do and what I needed to keep the relationship afloat. It took six months to get over the worst of it, but now three years later it’s a pretty distant memory and we’re happy. For what it’s worth.

      3. jwhittz +4

        I’ve been in a similar-ish situation, a few years before we married.
        Other people are giving great advice on the subject, so I’ll just offer an internet hug.

    3. Clao +5

      If Chocoflan is not your best friend, it will be after you bake it.
      Whatever recipe they have in the food network works wonders, but you can use your favorite home made (or box mix) chocolate cake for the creation.
      Pro-tip: use plenty of Cajeta on the bottom of the pan and let it cool like 3 hours so it doesn’t fall apart before your eyes.

      1. lemonack +3

        I was just about to put this one in here too. It’s my go-to for feeling down.

    9. Crivens +5

      Blerrrgghh indeed. Sorry you are going through this.
      Do you want to stay in the relationship? Does your partner? Did you have to find out through gossip/accident or did your partner tell you about it? Does that matter?
      I hope you can put your needs and feelings first.
      Definitely time for cake.

    11. badcowpuns +64

      Yes! In my case it did not work out so well because he was rather a serial cheater. I’m not sorry I made the effort to try to get us back on track and I’m not sorry I ended it when I did. Here is what happened:

      -Cheated on me with ex-girlfriend, we broke up, did not talk for three weeks, reconciled with the understanding that he was to sever contact with her. He actually did this.
      -Cheated on me with mutual friend, we did not break up, we had many, many long and emotional conversations about what we wanted out of our relationship, which he did not shy away from. This told me he was willing to put in the work, so we tried again. We both remained friends with friend. (Not recommended.)
      -Cheated on me with someone he just met. We did break up. Likely he was still sleeping with above friend.

      I’m glad we both broke up and got back together the first time! I’m glad I broke up with him for good the third time! I regret how I handled the second time! Forgiveness is something I have historically found very difficult, so the fact that I managed it twice with the same [redacted pejorative] is pretty amazing to me — check in with yourself to see what your relationship with forgiveness is like. You have to be able to forgive to make this work, but you also can’t forget it happened in the relationship, imo — you have to treat the cheating like a living creature in your relationship, something to be tended to and not forgotten.

      Four years later I am no longer in contact with any of these people, have moved across the country, and am extremely happy with someone who would sooner [extremely outlandish thing] than cheat on me, although it took me about 18 months to figure that out. I was also intermittently once again happy within the above relationship, so happiness is possible within your relationship now, and happiness is possible outside of it, and I wish for you so many good things either way.

    12. chiaroscuromom +32

      I’m so sorry. I know this revelation can feel like a kick in the gut.

      I couldn’t do it when it happened to me. Please do be kind to yourself, and know you don’t need to make a decision RIGHT NOW. Take your time, maybe spend a couple of sessions with a counselor to sort out whether this is truly a deal-breaker for you, or maybe something you can work past as some other posters have mentioned.

      All the hugs to you while you sort this out.

    13. Rillquiet +7

      No advice or stories, but this honey cake is delicious, not difficult to make (though it takes some time), and ideal for sharing over tea while you talk with good friends.

    14. citystillbreath +16

      I am so sorry. I am having significant other issues as well, and the feeling of having your life in the air is terrifying. Good luck. Remember that every time god closes a door, he opens a window somewhere else.

    15. intrplanetjanet +56

      I really want to reply to everyone on this thread as the comments come in, but I am technically just on my lunch break and only have a limited amount of time, so thanks all for being so kind and supportive, and definitely for all the cake recipes!! My IRL friends I think tend toward having a default mode of wanting to destroy the person who hurt my heart, which makes talking to them about this difficult when I’m still in the headspace of, maybe I want to work through this rather than end it. I’m legit getting teary eyed with how happy and grateful I am to be part of this online community. You all are seriously the best.

      1. LaxMom +15

        Admitting that I have only lurked, but I have ‘only lurked’ on an infidelity site for the past 6 years, so, I feel like I kindof know the place even though I don’t speak up. It’s survivinginfidelity dot com, and there are people there in all stages of the process, both reconciliation and divorce, and some who even several years out come back to help and give advice. I’d recommend at least reading their basic library of articles to help you get some outside perspective on how to move forward. Friends mean well but you need the freedom to feel all the way through this on your own terms. I think starting there might help you.

    17. iosognodisonno +47

      I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this 🙁

      I do not have personal experience, but I’ve watched some good friends deal with cheating in their relationships in the last couple of years and one of the main lessons I learned vicariously through them is that the cheating often matters less than what happens after. If a person is deceitful or callous (e.g. responds to your expressions of how the situation makes you feel by downplaying them or suggesting you’re being unreasonable), then that’s a bigger issue than the cheating itself. If the person is quick to confess, clearly distraught that they’ve hurt you, and wilingl to do the work it takes to get the relationship back to an ok point, then all that can outweigh the one thoughtless act. And I’m sure there are tons of in betweens.

      Just check in with yourself as you work through it and make sure you don’t feel like you’re the one stuck with all the work of getting things back to ok. Good luck in making the right decision for you, whatever that may be.

    18. middlemarch +10

      I did once and it wrecked me emotionally – for my temperament, and with the particular (very dishonest) individual in question, trying to stay together was the worst thing.

      Obviously a lot of this depends on your situation, but unless there’s, like, property and/or kids, it might be best to split – at least for a few weeks – while you sort this out on your own. Sorry that you’re going through such a rough time!

    19. Andre_Skiles +8

      Yep.
      Years later when it was time for the divorce, I found out that I wasn’t angry enough about it?
      She was somehow offended at the way I handled it(trying to work it out)
      I was hurt and sad at the time, but I blamed myself and was in love so I let it go.

    21. Je Ne Suis Pas +13

      My husband of 20+ years cheated on me, a series of one-night stands. I found out about 18 months ago when I was diagnosed with herpes. We’ve been in therapy together and individually for about a year, and we have a ways to go. He is remorseful and has done everything I’ve asked of him to demonstrate his commitment to our relationship. I am still ambivalent and trying not to make any irrevocable decisions out of a place of hurt. I keep reminding myself that there’s no timeline for resolution and there’s no correct answer: what’s right for me is right for me.

      What’s right for you is right for you. NB: Cake is always right.

      1. aintnothingtoit +4

        Holy crap/woof/wowzers. What a gut punch. Great read, great reminders! Thank you for sharing that.

    23. Mudsedge +4

      I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. I have experienced this, and I’m sad to say it did not end favourably (more cheating, better lying).

      I do not think there is a hard and fast rule that one should live by when this happens. Lots of people make mistakes and deserve a second chance. Ask for what you need, and don’t let anyone make you feel like it’s too much. You’re going to need a lot of things, and that’s okay. As you move forward, make sure you trust your gut. This is my biggest advice. Your gut is smart – don’t let your brain stifle it.

      I wish you all the best in the world. You will get through this!!

    24. eegghh +10

      A friend of mine’s husband did some pretty intense infidelity. It was with a younger woman he supervised at work. He came home and told my friend that he didn’t think he’d ever loved her. Which you know, was a problem for their whole thing of being married and having 3 kids together, with the youngest only several months old.

      My feelings were not complex- I simply wanted to burn him to the ground with fire and then spit on the ashes and throw them into a slimy pile of fast food trash. She however had more complicated emotions about it and was willing to . As of this time they are still married. I still don’t think he deserves her or ever did and I don’t personally like him. However, I didn’t marry him, she did. She picked him, and she gets to pick whether or not she stays and whether she gets whatever makes it worth it out of her relationship, and if I truly respect her I have to accept her choices. If your friends know and aren’t being supportive of your choices you might want to point that out- if they respect you as a person, they need to believe that you should drive your own choices. They can advocate for a different outcome, but only to a certain line.

      I’ve also been someone who was with someone who didn’t know if they cheated and in that situation I wasn’t like, “you are out RIGHT NOW”- I definitely felt that I had to get the facts, talk it through, think it through in stages. So, you are allowed to work it out bit by bit. Staying for now or leaving for now doesn’t mean that it’s the final word on anything. Its ok to sort through this slowly, and probably a good idea to pace yourself. It might be helpful if you and your partner had some separate spaces- in the case of my friend she kicked her husband out and said, “ok you can’t stay here. We’ll keep talking, but not in our house, out please” and then he spent the holiday alone coming to terms with what he’d done.

    25. ghog +5

      (As a daughter of a guy who cheated on his wife four times within 12 years of marriage) Please, be kind to yourself and think about yourself. People don’t change unless they want to change. My dad begged, cried, promised, and said a lot of things but he never changed.

  3. hammocknap +6

    Academic Toasts – anyone use any kind of version control software for data/manuscripts/etc.? Any recommendations? There are too many options and I’m overwhelmed.

    1. wallsdonotfall +8

      I keep my things in a private Github repo (for version control) and on Dropbox (for access & extra backup.) Depending on your institution, your library might have friendly data librarians/curators who can give you more specific advice for your materials!

      1. hammocknap +2

        This is good advice, thank you! I hadn’t thought to check with the library.

  4. speakingofcake +23

    OH YAY a surprise OT! These are my favourite!!!

    I recently read ‘Full Service’ by Scotty Bowers. I know it’s already been talked about but OMG I need more analysis! Specifically:

    1. Is he full of shit or is it all true? Is it suss that he’s only nasty about people he claims he didn’t sleep with?
    2. Was he a pimp? He spends a looot of time saying that he just wanted to make people happy! he never took any MONEY. Hmmmmm.
    3. His CHILDHOOD! 🙁 🙁 I’m glad for him that he found a way to frame it positively, but man it read dark. It just seems like he was being constantly exploited. A lot of reviews seem to kind of gloss over this part.
    4. Edward and Wallis – beards or no?

    2. dameacademyalumna +1

      I WANT TO TALK ABOUT SCOTTY BOWERS ALWAYS DOWN TO TALK ABOUT SCOTTY BOWERS PERSONALLY

      1. My stance on The Toast is that it is all true (except for the stuff about Katharine Hepburn’s complexion).

      My stance everywhere else is that most of his claims are not actually true and that it’s as credible as Hollywood Babylon.

      2. That was what I got from it too though we may never know.

      3. I KNOW. Maybe the reviews gloss over it because they’re more interested in the celebrity angle? Those chapters were really heartbreaking. I have no idea if he tried to put a happy face on it because he believed it himself or because he didn’t want to deal with people pitying him or reacting badly.

      4. I don’t think so, his description (if it’s even true, see #1) makes it sound more like they were bi and in an open-ish relationship than actual beards

      1. speakingofcake +1

        He’s pretty frenemy-ish towards Katharine Hepburn. It’s like ‘she was my DEAR FRIEND! but now I’m going to say something bitchy about her.’

        I believe it about Spencer Tracy being closeted. At the very least, bi. Whether Scotty himself actually slept with him is up for debate.

        Yeah, I can’t figure out if his ‘the abuse I was subjected to as a child was NBD!’ angle is a strategic position or something he actually believes. If it’s the latter; it’s good I guess that he can frame it positively to himself, but the issue is, if he believes that it was fine for neighbours and priests to abuse him, and that he was not exploited, what does that mean for how he would see an interpret consent in other relationships? :/

        The Kinsey secret film stuff sounds a bit made up. I do believe it about King Farouk’s impounded porn collection though.

        Also, what about Betty? What was her story? I refuse to believe she was really just sitting at home for 40-odd years twiddling her thumbs while he was rutting all over town.

        1. dameacademyalumna +1

          Totally, he’s both positive and catty about her.

          I’m not sure what I believe about Spencer Tracy. I definitely don’t think he was gay and using Katharine as a beard, because he already had a wife. I don’t know if he was bi, he could have been, though I think it’s shady that only Bowers and Richard Gully have said anything about it and neither is a 100% reliable source. If he was bi, I can see him being much more lowkey than that.

          (I don’t know as much about Tracy as I do about Hepburn so I could be wrong.)

          what does that mean for how he would see an interpret consent in other relationships? :/

          This was one of the things that disturbed me because of other comments he makes, like the ones about drilling holes around the gas station so people could peek into the bathrooms without the knowledge of the person or couples being watched. :/ That is not OK. Remember the chapter where he talks about the teacher? He was really nonchalant about his sister being involved and I wonder what she thought later in life.

          Which secret film, the one that was a fictionalised version of the stories Kinsey heard about college girls? I believe it about the impounded porn collection, too.

          Also, what about Betty?

          Betty was his wife, right? (I don’t remember her name.) I always found it both hilarious and sad that he’d suddenly mention that even though his family had no idea about what he was up to, he was a great husband because he bought things for her.

          1. speakingofcake +1

            Yeah! Betty was his common law wife but he actually never married her (according to him). He just keeps going on about how great she was because she NEVER complained about him being away all the time and how that made her such a GREAT WOMAN :/ Ergh. The whole way he talks about Betty and his daughter is so weird – he keeps saying how great they are and how much he cares for them, but he literally seems to have been never there. He admits to some guilt after SPOILER his daughter died (which, argh, what an awful pre-Roe vs Wade story that was, should make some anti-choicers blanch), but overall he just seemed to sort of…shrug it off? I get that not everything a person feels gets into an autobiography but still….
            He talks later about supporting the repeal of anti-vice laws that police used to harass gay people, but said nothing about supporting abortion rights, which, given his line of work and his personal experience, you’d think he’d be passionate about.

            Yes, the Kinsey film was the fictionalised college girl lesbians thing. It kind of sounded like it was presented to the researchers as real footage, which seems like a not very sound academic methodology. Idk the whole thing sounds bonkers!

          2. dameacademyalumna +1

            (So late, because I’m overwhelmed by my email inbox.)

            OH YEAH. The remarks about his family weirded me out for the exact same reasons. He describes multiple personality traits for his other family members but that’s the main thing he says about his wife.

            (I get that maybe he wouldn’t want to talk about his daughter, though.)

            I can believe the fake-footage-as-real-footage because of the reasoning he gave about how the real study subjects wouldn’t allow it but they still needed to present footage for… reasons. It definitely doesn’t sound very academic…

  5. aeryn_sun +13

    Guys, can we discuss The Americans? Also the New York Times had speculation about how the show ends, and now I’m convinced they’re right (I’ll reply to myself to explain it to avoid spoilers).

    1. aeryn_sun +3

      Okay, the speculation is that the show will end (hopefully after a few more seasons) kind of how Elizabeth suggested last night: Elizabeth dies, Philip and the kids continue to live as Americans, and then, of course, the Soviet Union falls, rendering all of their sacrifices pointless. Elizabeth’s conversation with Philip last night seemed like her acknowledgment of What Philip said: that he’s only doing this because of her, but also that she can’t quit.

      1. heyheyemkay +3

        It would be quite a bittersweet/ironic sacrifice, also because Phillip’s big thing, that he kind of talked about with William last night, is that he couldn’t go on without Elizabeth. He’d be very lonely without the one person who’s understood what he’s gone through on a very intimate level for 20 years.

        But LET’S TALK ABOUT NINA. The second that rosy sunlight started coming in, I knew it was a dream and it was all over—there’s some connection between Oleg’s father and the suddenness of her case seeing some action.

        I have to admit I’m just now seeing the stark parallels between her story and Martha’s as far as being turned, but it’s FASCINATING to me how Martha’s version of the story is a few paces behind. The writers have done a great job separating the two of them, not only so we don’t see the brushstrokes behind them both being turned, but also, the whole idea of a normal civilian getting caught up in this crazy mess gets to continue while we get the impact of Nina’s death.

        Apparently that was actually how the Soviets did executions, too—like, they purposely staged them that way after doing so many. Someone would read off the death sentence and step aside to avoid the blood spatter, and when the prisoner’s knees would inevitably buckle, there’d be two people on either side to hold them up and another in back to pull the trigger.

        How amazing was Martha at improvising all the lying, though, and how much more suspicious do you think that’s going to make Stan?

    2. Tinpantithesis +2

      I’m trying to stay spoiler-free, so I will avoid comments above. But OMG LAST NIGHT.

      Something I only realized this morning: Arkady is going to be so sad when he finds out! It’s kind of weird how I like him so much, but he’s just such a decent person, I can’t help it!

      Also holy crap Martha at dinner last night.

    3. parlato1973 +2

      i love this show and i feel like nobody i know watches it. i have to subscribe to it and haven’t seen this season yet, but i’m going to get on it this weekend. it’s so good!

  6. LadyPoopjokes +208

    This week in dating: managed to pass strep throat from one man to another without becoming infected myself, and I have the lab results to prove it.

    I AM DRUNK WITH POWER

    but now my dates are sick :'(

    2. LadyPoopjokes +62

      Also I am just about completely hit-by-a-truck infatuated with the perfect tinder date from last week, and poked around and found his dissertation online and I don’t want to give away any identifying details like what it’s about because it seems like he actually got a fair amount of publicity and recognition for it, suffice to say he is somehow even more perfect than before, and I got him sick, help meeeeeee

      1. ofTrebond +40

        Maybe he’ll assume that since he went through so much suffering for you, he must really like you? That’s a real psychology thing!

      2. lemonadefish +41

        Dress up in a naughty nurse outfit and bring him soup? Or is it too soon for that? Soup is probably a good idea regardless.

        1. LadyPoopjokes +31

          inconsolable weeping and gnashing of teeth

          …I’m sure he’ll be fine, they can just sort of…lower their body temperature at will to kill infection, right?

          1. askelade +46

            Gotta RAISE the internal temp to kill infection.

            Translation: he’s gonna be hotter than ever!

          4. askelade +36

            OMG how would The Viking feel if he knew that, like, two days into your consorting together, he has become an unofficial Toast mascot???

          5. LadyPoopjokes +21

            Very very confused, I’m guessing. Should probably never tell him about the Toast, which is unfortunate because I feel like he’d really appreciate this place

          6. gcf +7

            That’s torpor, Patient Zero 🙂 A good skill to have but not helpful for fighting infection.

    3. RudyRed +19

      I feel a little bad for cackling when I read this. But also, lol. I’ve done this before (with garden-variety cold) and it filled me with dark amusement.

      1. LadyPoopjokes +15

        I feel bad! I genuinely do!

        But I am ALWAYS the one to get sick, always, and for once I seem to have escaped my fate, and it pleases me.

    4. lovesloths +24

      This guy I met on Hinge in November and have been sleeping with/hanging with since and I made things official and I feel silly being like “we talked about it and now he’s my BOYFRIEND (googly heart eyes) but I am SO AMPED we talked about it and he’s my official boyfriend! The first one in, um, a while. I’m just a-swooning away over here.

    1. aeryn_sun +6

      Yes! I’m really looking forward to it. Also, did you see that they are asking people to bring period supplies (volunteers are collecting them for homeless women)?

      1. AbigMess +2

        yes it’s really great! I’m coming in from Baltimore and I’m really excited.

    3. Mrs_Olinski +1

      yes! coming down from nyc for it (am from washington and my best friend lives there and interviewed them this week!). very excited

    4. sfbeee +1

      ahhhh have the loveliest time! i was at the sf show, and it was a delight // they were so sweetly nervous.

  8. Immunogirl +57

    I was chosen as the graduate student speaker for my program’s annual symposium!

    I’m having mixed feelings because it went down like this:
    DEPARTMENT HEAD: Gross, I have no one to present at this symposium.
    BOSS: Immunogirl can do it!
    DEPARTMENT HEAD: Cool beans, sounds great.

    So on one hand, it’s a big deal. On the other, it feels like I just got picked because they needed someone to do it. Though I have also recently been told by other Important People that I need to stop apologizing for myself because my research is good and I should be proud of it.

    Anyway, any tips for combating the dreaded Impostor Syndrome? How do you remain calm when giving important talks in front of a hundred people? Also good thoughts are appreciated.

    1. todddillard +28

      I think it’s a great sign they thought of you off the top of their heads! Immediate, concrete, and absolute support is a good thing, trust me, and they wouldn’t have agreed to it if you were anything less than right for the job.

      Public speaking is a little harder, but I usually get by it by being interested in what I’m saying/the topic I’m presenting. I do readings for elementary students, and have skated by solely on my belief that if I’m interested they will be too.

    2. lemonadefish +14

      Yes, they needed someone to do it. And out of all the people they could have picked, they picked you! Yay you!

    3. themuseummagpie +10

      I think it’s great that your boss thought of you in this situation!

      I’ve never spoken in front of that many people before, but my advice would be to practice a lot so that even if you get nervous, most of the talk can be done on automatic.

      Good luck!! Tell us all how it goes!

    4. mittenstheboar +7

      Yay you!
      Honestly, I love public speaking, so I don’t know how much advice I can give. Practice a lot. And don’t try too hard to be funny. For whatever reason, when I’m trying to be funny it falls flat, but when I let go of that and just focus on the subject, any jokes I do end up making feel a lot more natural.

    5. Clao +3

      Well, aside from knowing all your material upside down, what I recommend is taking the time to watch your favorite stand up comedian during the 30 min previous to presenting.
      It has helped me relax my speech and posture when I need to present, or have job interviews.

    6. mollyculetheory +8

      Practice the living hell out of your introduction & stick to a memorized script but practice less & adlib more on the data slides. The planned part will get you through initial nerves but you won’t sound like a weird robot the whole time. Also only use the laser pointer to briefly point out specific things because a lot of graduate students get nervous and kind of draw circles around evvverything with the laser jittering about because their hands are a little shaky & the distance amplifies it. Good luck! You will be fine!

    7. cheekypinky +2

      GIRL!!!! This is AMAZING and I wish I could take you out to celebratory drinks, because GO YOU!!!

      …that said, I also suffer from Imposter Syndrome, and it sucks balls. I did recently try standing in a “power position” just before presenting at a symposium, and it definitely helped chill my adrenaline.

      I also practiced my presentation about fifty times (in which my poor husband regrets volunteering to be my test audience), and that was probably the most helpful in terms of confidence.

      You’ve got this, and you’re amazing–just the fact that your boss didn’t even think twice before naming you should be pretty indicative of how valuable your research is!

      GO IMMUNOGIRL GO!

  9. robindavisdesign +67

    Ok, I know everyone is busy freaking out over Star Wars today but I just recently started playing Neko Atsume and I can’t stop squealing about it, except everyone already finished playing it like a month ago. I need a time machine to one month ago, is what I’m saying.

    1. rkfire +15

      I have been playing for over a year and I still squeal over it, so please don’t feel like you’re behind! Also, I’ve been playing it intermittently so there are still 3 rare nekos that I need to atsume’d. ^^;

    2. exitpursuedbyaclaire +11

      I just started playing it again after a very long break (I hadn’t even updated to the English version before last week or so), so you aren’t alone! I am still missing so many rare cats.

    3. Maxine of Arc +36

      I’ll stop doling out the bitz to fake cats when I’m in an urn on a goddamn mantel, and not a second before.
      Which is to say, I will never be “finished” playing Neko Atsume.
      My fav is Pickles.

      1. robindavisdesign +9

        Socks is the best, I will fight you! (I just got the cowboy hat and he has used it like six times and I can’t even handle it.)

        1. Maxine of Arc +10

          Let’s find out how deep this rift between us truly goes. Are you pro-Tubbs??

          1. robindavisdesign +21

            Definitely pro-Tubbs, he is a cat who knows what he wants and knows just how to get it so I have infinite respect for him. Also his 60 silver fish bribes are pretty decent.

          2. Maxine of Arc +15

            Then we are agreed! I hope we never let pixel cats come between us again.

          5. champagneghost +19

            i still reflexively yell “dammit tubbs!” whenever he eats all the food even though i renamed him William H Taft as soon as I collected him

          6. LadyPoopjokes +12

            I have a such a soft spot in my heart for Prez Taft

            But yeah I renamed him Fuckin Tubbzzzzz and I adore him. He doesn’t play by my rules, and he gets what he wants, and he always makes sure to express his gratitude without making any apologies for his lifestyle 😻😻😻😻😻

      2. extrayarn +12

        I renamed all the cats when I was still playing in Japanese and I don’t know how to get the original names back, nor which is who in English. I am very fond of the one I’ve named Schrodinger.

        1. Maxine of Arc +7

          Tell us more! Coat color/pattern? Favorite goodies? Most endearing quality?

        2. friendofdaja +5

          I did this too! I feel kind of left out of the fandom now that it’s so popular haha

          My favorite cats are named Sir Butts and Salem (sassy black cat).

      3. arachnidette +4

        After I saw Pickles I renamed a group of my Nekos after Deathklok. I have no idea what they were originally anymore, but it always amuses me when I get fish from Nathan Explosion or Murderface.

    4. intrplanetjanet +10

      I started playing it only 1-2 months ago so I’m here to talk about it! I really want to catch every one of them sleeping in that face-down pose, but so far I’ve only got a fraction of them like that. So soothing and adorable! I think my favorites are conductor whiskers and apricot.

      1. elsajeni +19

        Conductor Whiskers is definitely my favorite, in part because I cannot get her name right, I call her Commander Whiskers every single time.

        1. anthemyst +27

          The reason she is my favorite is because she is based on a REAL CAT named TAMA that was employed as a train station master in Japan: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tama_(cat)

          Here is the most simultaneously hilarious and depressing sentence I have ever read on Wikipedia, from that article: “In January 2008, Tama was promoted to “super station master” in a ceremony attended by the president of the company and the mayor; as a result of her promotion, she was “the only female in a managerial position” in the company.”

          1. Maxine of Arc +12

            Tama is the eternal station master of my heart.
            Nitama’s real cute, too.

      2. robindavisdesign +8

        WHAT! There is a CONDUCTOR cat? I haven’t seen a lot of the special ones yet!

        1. arachnidette +3

          Get the train! It is both the best piece because kitties fit into every possible part of it in the funniest ways and also Conductor Whiskers!

      3. viviennestreet +11

        I caught one in a face-plant pose for just long enough to take a picture. Then I looked back and the cat was sitting normally 🙁

      4. SmrtCookie +11

        That facedown pose is adorbs. I catch it so rarely I honestly though it was something I made up for a minute.

    5. actualmeg +5

      I have tried playing it twice now, each time for a period of several weeks, and I just…I don’t get it. I feel weirdly left out.

      1. robindavisdesign +14

        I think I mostly like it because it’s so high-reward for the amount of time it takes. A couple of seconds every few hours and I get to see a cartoon cat twirl around with a ball of yarn? I’m sold. I play a lot of games where it’s like 60+ hours of gameplay to get to the end so I’m really into how chill this one is.

        1. wallofillusion +9

          No joke, I am trying to get butthole pics of every single cat. I’ve got 22 of ’em. A girl needs her hobbies, okay.

    7. Heathered +2

      I can’t get it on the Chromebook so in a few years I will want to borrow that time machine. Kiiiiittttties I want them all…

  10. jimmyjimjimjim +82

    This is not the cleverest thing I’ve ever done but i did feel reasonably clever about it: yesterday I made granola by dumping a packet blueberry instant oatmeal into a frying pan with some butter on medium-low.

    Which then went into yogurt.

    1. twenty4as +11

      This is amazing and I’m definitely going to do this. Thank you for sharing your cleverness!

      1. jimmyjimjimjim +6

        Possibly worth noting: I use Better Oats “thick and hearty blueberry muffin” which unlike my store’s generic Kroger branded instant oatmeal isn’t diced up to make it even instanter. The chopped up stuff works I’m sure but might not be as good texturally.

  11. cait0716 +77

    My company is celebrating it’s tenth anniversary next month, and I just found out that I’m the very first pregnant employee they’ve ever had. Yay tech! It explains our essential lack of maternity leave policy though (there’s a sentence about FMLA in the employee manual). So now I don’t have any idea what’s going to happen. The good news is that I just had a stellar performance review, so I’m hoping I have some leverage to negotiate for something better than the bare bones.

    1. askelade +37

      Wow! Maybe you can use this to finagle a really excellent maternity leave policy for all the pregnant employees who will follow in your footsteps. Good luck! And congratulations!

      1. cait0716 +29

        The goal right now is 6 months (unpaid) leave and then returning in a part time capacity (~16 hours/week)

        The backup plan is to quit completely.

        So I have a whole lot of power, that I’m hoping to use for future pregnant employees. But it might not work out that way. Then again all of the other women I currently work with either already have children (like, teenagers) or have expressed a strong desire to never have children. So I don’t know that it will even come up again anytime soon

    2. lemonadefish +22

      I approached a vaguely similar situation by simply telling them what I was going to do, and then doing it. YMMV based on how annoying your bosses are, but it worked for me despite my bosses being moderately annoying. (I told them I was taking 12 weeks, and I ended up taking 19 on account of my baby was 7 weeks early. I suppose they might have made some noises about six months, but then again, they might not have (I don’t think they really expected me to com eback, but I did, so.).)

      1. cait0716 +14

        That…might work. My boss is great (and has a 6-month old at home, so he’s super empathetic). It’s HR/Operations I’m worried about. They can be weirdly strict about things.

        1. dakimel +23

          If there’s no written policy, how strict can they possibly be? They’ve left themselves open with “according to FMLA we won’t fire you” so define your own terms – in the ‘ask for the sun, negotiate for Mars instead’ vein.

          Also, not having a lot of other potential pregnant people around, no matter what else that says about the company, means that they might be more lenient about what they allow. You’re not collective bargaining, you’re solo bargaining.

    3. Beakses +9

      What kind of a tech company are they? The big web tech companies have been announcing pretty killer (for the US) leave policies lately- if they’re competing for the same candidates it might be worth they’re while to use this as an opportunity to catch up. (Etsy- 26 weeks, Netflix- one year?, Twitter just announced although I don’t remember the details on that)

      1. cait0716 +4

        It’s a smallish DoD contractor (~100 employees with plans to expand to ~150). And yeah, when Netflix, etc announced their new family leave policies, I brought it up and was met with radio silence. Then the military updated their family leave policy across the board and I brought it up again and was again met with radio silence. So it’s not exactly a priority for my company. But I’m choosing to believe that it’s just because it’s never really come up.

        1. Beakses +5

          Well, the DoD’s policy is basically “FMLA if you’re lucky,” so if they mostly recruit from there there’s not much incentive to improve, but if they’re competing with private tech companies of the Netflix sort they probably need to start thinking about their leave policy as a recruiting tool.

      2. VioletandIrises +4

        Twitter announced 20 weeks paid parental leave.

        (Thank you last night’s The Young Turks live show).

    4. coloredlights +5

      This is an awesome position to be in. My friend’s husband works for the very small American office of a foreign company, and when their first child was born, he was able to get paid paternity leave implemented as well as maternity.

  12. dreadfulwind +39

    When things are feeling gray, what do you do to cheer yourself up?

    It’s been raining all week and I’m a bit under the weather, and I’d like nothing more than to go home and watch Great British Bake-Off and nap.

    1. askelade +27

      Sometimes I watch GBBO and nap. 😉

      Really I am a big believer in Singing Out Loud as kind of an emotional panacea.

    2. hammocknap +19

      My on paper answer that I know is the actual good plan is to do something active, usually yoga or hiking depending on the weather – always works. In reality, though, if I’m feeling mergh I’ll usually self-medicate with chocolate covered pretzels and hot and spicy cheez-its and not get off the couch, which never actually makes me feel much better except for that first second when I sit down and let myself off the hook. So basically my answer is that even when I’m self-aware enough to know what would likely cheer me up I rarely have the movitivation to actually do it, which is… not so much helpful, sorry. I’m right there with you!

      1. catatatatat +26

        I often will do a single sun salute- I always feel better after, but it is also easy and quick. Then I put it on my to do list, then cross it off.

        1. askelade +21

          never underestimate the power of a good crossing-off-the-to-do-list

          that’s my motto

      2. Goomaly +13

        “that first second when I sit down and let myself off the hook”

        You know, you’re right, that is often the most important part. Thanks for the reminder.

    3. SmrtCookie +21

      I’m a big fan of putting on loud upbeat music and dancing around while cleaning. It works perfectly to shut my brain off for awhile and when I’m done I usually have some small amount of happy exercise chemicals in my brain and a cleaner house which also always makes me feel better.

      1. dreadfulwind +14

        Normally I enjoy this, but it turns out that my through-the-wall neighbors are (a) apparently nocturnal and (b) do not enjoy being woken up by the sounds of dreadfulwind singing her best rendition of the King George bits from Hamilton to her sink full of dishes at 5:30 in the afternoon, and now I’m too afraid of being inconsiderate to make a peep.

          1. askelade +5

            I DO THIS WHEN I AM WASHING DISHES

            Once I broke a plate lip synching to “The Room Where It Happens” oh dear lord

    4. cait0716 +17

      I make myself a big mug or even a pot of tea and I grab a book and a few pillows and blankets and curl up on the couch with a good view of the window. Especially in spring I love seeing all the petals drift off down the trees in the rain. It feels like fairyland. If I’m really lucky, my cat will come and curl up with me.

      1. secondursula +6

        YES! Seconded! I didn’t used to get the tea fixation, but it’s perfect for cutting through the fog on a dreary day.

      2. girl_toni +4

        Such a good plan! I popped into the library at lunchtime and they were giving away books as part of the Cityread programme so I’ve staggered home with more books than I have time to read…

    5. plspassthePinot +15

      I think you’re off to a great start! I also like to light every candle I can find, move them to the bathroom & take the hottest shower I can stand. Then change into your most comfy Home Clothes and nestle somewhere: bed / sofa / floor + blanket + tea or wine. Naps are good. Netflix is good. Books are good. So are podcasts. As is reading the Toast OT 🙂

    6. Pacific_Midwest +11

      GBBO *always*

      but for emotional gray feelings (often connected to literal gray weather/feelings) I put on a comedy pandora station or album, because usually at least one physical laugh releases enough endorphins the help break the mood.

    7. Theo_Winterwood +7

      This week I’ve been leisurely doing a colored pencil drawing of Superman holding a popsicle? Doing the coloring is soothing and the bright colors and subject matter are surprisingly uplifting.

    8. lemonack +3

      Popcorn popped on the stove in a frying pan, in olive oil, with really nice real melted butter and a bit of truffle oil and fleur de sel on it. Glass of wine. Brooklyn 99.

    9. Andre_Skiles +4

      Listening to/watching a fun podcast.
      I love to laugh, and podcasts have more of a human connection than a tv show or movie.

  13. jimmyjimjimjim +112

    Also unfrosted poptarts have the same caloric value and same amount of sugar as frosted poptarts which confirms my belief that only sadists buy unfrosted poptarts

    1. actualmeg +21

      My dad will ONLY buy unfrosted Pop-Tarts, and he is distraught that his local supermarket has stopped selling them. He put them on his Christmas list last year.

    2. hystericaldora +29

      I don’t eat gelatin, so one time I bought unfrosted poptarts because cravings. It was like exchanging money for sadness.

      1. askelade +4

        Wait… you gave them (the store; the Pop-Tarts company?) money and then you GOT sadness in return, or you got LESS sadness? (Asking for a vegetarian Pop-Tart loving friend)

        1. hystericaldora +13

          Paid money and got sadness in return. The textural variation between filling and crunchy top is most of the reason I like poptarts. The unfrosted felt like I was trying to sacrifice enjoyment for the sake of health, except they were in no way good for me. The hippie organic toaster pastries are vegetarian (not vegan), if the situation is desperate.

          1. askelade +3

            Good to know!  I had never thought about that textural aspect to Pop-Tarts before; it may be the only thing they have going for them.

      2. dreadfulwind +7

        FYI, Nature’s Path makes a gelatin-free frosted pop-tart knock-off that is both fairly widely available and perfect for such moments.

    3. treereenee +13

      but how can this be true? do they put less filling in the frosted ones, or is the frosting somehow zero-cal? inquiring minds want to know!

    4. robindavisdesign +37

      I thought the point of unfrosted poptarts was to prop up the corners of the display shelves containing frosted poptarts.

    5. Goomaly +13

      My idea of frosting is very different from poptart frosting, and I don’t think frosting should be crunchy, really, what the hell. So I guess I could buy a tub of frosting and frost the poptart?

    6. kayjayoh_ +18

      I love unfrosted Poptarts, because I love Poptarts and hate the frosting. I just wish unfrosted came in more flavors.

      2. Notreallydorine +10

        Unfrosted strawberry are my favorite Poptarts, especially when toasted just enough to burn the edges just a tad. . . . unfrosted blueberry Poptarts taste like sadness, though.

        1. kayjayoh_ +5

          Truth. I love the strawberry, won’t eat the blueberry, and secretly wish that unfrosted raspberry were a thing I could have.

          But I console myself with Pepperidge Farm raspberry turnovers, which are way better.

      3. kitwings +3

        When I was little, like three-four years old, my parents would leave me with my aunt for the occasional weekend. Being that young, my memories consist mainly of being fed on unfrosted strawberry Pop Tarts (which we were never allowed at home, in any flavor or state of frosting), so I am partial to them too.

  14. sednarea51 +81

    Hooray surprise thread!!! I was blocking an MRA on the Twitters just now and thinking about how huge the concept of recognizing emotional labor has been for me. It has been ENORMOUS to realize that I don’t owe anyone my time and attention- that those are mine to give out or not as i see fit. Still working on recognizing that in all parts of my life, but it’s sure helped me deal with obnoxious Netizens more easily.
    Is there a particular piece on The Toast that’s stuck with you for whatever reason? It doesn’t have to be serious; I was also thinking about how much I liked Mallory’s saga of cotching that catling. Also pretty much all of If X was your Y (though especially Chris Evans, because I am a predictable sap with an enormous teenage crush).

    1. speakingofcake +26

      I always enjoy Mary J. Breen’s pieces. In some ways, the 1950s Canada world she describes is entirely foreign to me, but little parts of it feel weirdly familiar – some things about old-school Irish Catholic culture persist across time and space.

      And of course all the Art History posts. One my favourites is the escalatingly bummed-out Sapphos.

    2. flying_ghoti +12

      Every time the diminutive one plays with this book it makes me happy, because I got him that specifically because Nicole said he would like it and she was right.

    3. aravisthequeen +22

      The Every Comment on a Recipe piece. I reference it with alarming frequency. Also, Mallory’s piece on Go Ask Alice.

      1. urspostrophe +3

        The recipe one, yes, me too!! That was the first Toast piece I ever read.

        Also Mallory’s Thanksgiving one.

    4. sabinabemani +19

      I have to say my favorite has to be the Bend It Like Beckham Femslash Friday post. That movie, and Keira Knightley in general, were extremely formative in the figuring-out-sexuality thing for me. (I love Femslash Friday in general, and I love, love, LOVE the Buffy/Faith and Kaylee/Inara ones.)

      “Tough Choices” has stuck with me too, in a huge way. It doesn’t really give me any answers but it definitely made me feel much less alone in my struggle to figure out how to reconcile my morals and feminism with the very dear dude-friends who may or may not have done bad things to women (including me) and/or have perpetuated the patriarchy in softer but more insidious ways.

      The posts on emotional labor have been really good for me to read too- not just the concept that I don’t actually owe this labor to my shitty friends who don’t even realize they should reciprocate this, but the fact that I’m not alone in having had so many disappointing “friendships” that have resulted from my being thoroughly conditioned to believe my time and attention are always owed to anyone who wants these things from me… it’s made me feel less weak about the whole thing.

      On a happier note, “Paintings of the Temptation of Saint Anthony That Fundamentally Misunderstand The Concept Of Temptation” always, ALWAYS makes me ugly-laugh.

      1. dorianneemmerton +7

        Femslash was my introduction. I love Femslash. It’s been a while, hasn’t it?

    6. illyria83 +24

      The one about people who are against vaccinating dogs, and the comments that followed. I will never, ever forget “Debbie Dogwhacker” for as long as I live. The hysterical, tears rolling down face laughter didn’t stop for a while either.

      Also every Hey Ladies. Also the Every Comment on a Recipe Blog and its comments. (Before I was commenting here, I really just dropped in now and then for the LOLs)

    7. SmrtCookie +19

      The emotional labor was hugely important for me too. Also the Two Monks where they discover bitches. Kills me every. single. time.

      1. sabinabemani +7

        I love everything Two Monks but I think “unsmiling, lush bitches brushing their hair” is favorite 😀

    8. PierrePoutine +17

      -Nikki’s post about Nice Parties and Casual Racism because it is perfect to share with everyone you know and their sister

      -the one about Jennifer Aniston not inviting the other Friends to her wedding

      -the fake Ani Difranco apology: a friend of mine shared it on Facebook because she thought it was actually written by Ani Difranco herself

      -when Jaya read Julie of the Wolves because she wanted to give me flashbacks to grade six

      -the transmisogyny and disc golfing round table

      -Ronbledore

    9. mittenstheboar +13

      1) the Emotional Labor one 2) Mallory responding to the Rock’s diet 3) all the posts about teen Christian stuff from the 90’s–2000 because…it me, and yet here we all are, reading the Toast and growing.

    10. shellygrrl +13

      Mallory cotching that kitten.

      Women in Western Art History series (which is how I discovered The Toast).

      Little Ones.

    11. friendofdaja +12

      Ranking Female Actresses In Drag was the piece that introduced me to the Toast, and it’s still bookmarked from when I was in college. Dirtbag Anne of Green Gables always makes me die laughing, and on the more serious side of things, Ask Bear always gave me a lot to think about.

    12. sausagedog +11

      Chris Kimball’s letters and Hey Ladies! Those two humor series pretty neatly encompass what it means to be a woman in today’s society, I think. Nameless provincial horror and email chains.

      On the more serious side, a lot of The Butter’s fiction has stuck with me.

    13. sarahgundle +14

      Cotching the catling is definitely a big one.
      Hey Ladies
      Women praying furiously in Western art history KILLS ME DEAD

    15. irishbreakfasttime +8

      For things that pop into my head & make me laugh, Hey Ladies and Two Monks. (ETA: and OF COURSE the list of books literally all white men own, and the follow up comments. I might have to go find and read those right now.) (ETA the second: After the redesign a lot of my thumbs-ups disappeared so now I am re-liking all the comments on the deleted comments thread. You guys are the best.)

      For things that pop into my head during routine chores and terrify me, Considering a Possible Human Head. (I shared it on twitter just a couple days ago and got some horrified OH GOD responses. If I have to be haunted by it, you have to be haunted by it.)

    16. ofTrebond +15

      I consider Mallory’s article on how to make sure you get enough food at holiday parties to be an important guiding lesson in my life.

  15. twenty4as +68

    This surprise OT is just further confusing me about what day it is! But I’m here for it (literally!!).

    23 days until I move to Milwaukee. For the same price as I’m paying now for a studio in Chicago, I will have two bedrooms, two balconies, a yard, a garage, and a basement. Whaaaaaaat.

    1. robindavisdesign +12

      I live in a stupidly expensive metropolitan area as well and I remain unconvinced that balconies you can stand on actually exist, and yet you claim to have TWO of them. What? How?? What is this magic?

      1. twenty4as +10

        I can hardly believe it myself and will only be totally convinced once I’ve spent ample time on both. Maybe the source of magic will eventually make itself known to me… I will report back when /if it does…. 🙂

    2. thecoppertop +15

      Totally get it!!! As a Milwaukee dweller, I thoroughly enjoy telling Chicagoans and New Yorkers how much my rent is when they see my GIANT APARTMENT.

    3. hammocknap +8

      Whoo! As someone who grew up in the Milwaukee area I say fine choice! Not sure if you’ve spent much time in the area before moving, but if you’re looking for entertainment I definitely recommend the art museum (and strolling around the lakeshore while you’re down that way) and the Lakefront brewery tour.

      1. twenty4as +7

        Thanks for the recommendations! I went to the art museum a few months ago, but it was still under construction, so I need to go back to see the finished product. Although, even spending time in the giant main room with the windows overlooking the lake? Phew.. good enough for me.

        1. sausagedog +7

          My mom is a docent at the MAM so she took me to the reopened galleries over Christmas, and they did a great job of it! I really think it’s one of the better museums in America, but I’m biased.

      2. RLovesRocks +3

        Lakefront brewery tour is amazing but dangerous! That led to the most day drunk day I’ve ever had in my life!

      1. twenty4as +4

        Mmmm custard. Any type of frozen dairy is my favorite food, so I will happily take on this request.

          1. rishmololo +4

            I used to work at Gilles as a teen dirtbag-in-training (most of my dirtbagging was done in my 20s). The food is delicious but I feel obligated to share with y’all that I once drooled into a 10 gallon tub of custarf and served it immediately because one of the owners was standing next to me and I was afraid he’d make me toss the whole tub and pay for it. Since I was only making $4.25/hour I thought I couldn’t risk it. I don’t really feel bad?

          2. rishmololo +3

            I should have added the I’m sure that hasn’t happened since and you should enjoy some of that sweet sweet custard 🙂

    5. RLovesRocks +3

      As transplant to the midwest, Milwaukee has really grown on me, particularly when my husband and I were able to buy a house slightly bigger than we’ll ever fully need in an awesome location for a song. If you need any recs, particularly in southeastern neighborhoods, like Bay View through the 3rd Ward, feel free to ask!

  17. dr_flawless +24

    My fellow Toasties, I just moved to Indianapolis (I got a job!!!) and I know exactly one person here (she got me the job!!!). Would anyone be up for a meetup?

    1. S. Pebbletush +3

      There’s a very very very big possibility that I will be moving there in October, BUT I WILL ALSO BE THERE NEXT WEEK! FOR 10 DAYS! Hang out then? Also, tell me all about it please!

    2. coloredlights +5

      MY HOMETOWN. I am not there anymore (except for 2-3 times a year, sorry), but I have much affection for it and can provide ideas of things to do/places to go, if that is of interest to you.

    3. grumblyqueer +2

      I’m only there in the summer because college, but I can definitely recommend some stuff for you to do! (The first part of which is PRIDE, GO TO PRIDE, CIRCLE CITY PRIDE HAS A WEEK OF AWESOME EVENTS AND THERE’S A CABAL OF DRAG QUEENS WHO WALK AROUND RAISING MONEY FOR AIDS RESEARCH and I’m gonna be volunteering there!) Email me at [email protected] if you want to know where the good Mexican places are or want a buddy to go to the drag softball game with.

    4. kalhendr +1

      Please don’t ask why I’m browsing here 4 weeks later (I love Toast OTs, so…), but I live just north of Indy and would love to make more friends. I just moved here almost a year ago, and making friends isn’t easy!

  18. thebeagee +29

    You guys, I’m still jobless & sharing tiny apartment with parents and now my brother is moving in, too. He couldn’t afford to live where he was anymore, so as of next week I’ll be a 30-yr-old sharing a room (and a closet, and a dresser) with my brother. Two jobless twits with no car and no prospects. Part of me is tempted to go back to school for another degree because it would give me somewhere to live and loan money to live off of, but at the same time I cannot fathom going into more debt for a degree that will do nothing for me in the long run. Also, grad apps cost money, are sent in December for acceptance the following year, and require rec letters from former profs. So really, I’m staring at open tabs of unis and thinking “this is not the answer, but I don’t know what is.” I wish I could go back in time and just network like shit in my youth instead of getting an education.

    1. Absotively +11

      I know someone with a university degree who considered going back to school for a medical transcription diploma. I believe she’s found something else for now, but with the economy the way it is, I can definitely see why she was thinking about it. Maybe consider opening some tabs for local technical schools and see if any of their programs appeal to you?

    2. iosognodisonno +6

      Are you networking like shit now? If so, you may find something before December rolls around and you can always keep that idea in mind in case you don’t.

      1. thebeagee +13

        I have no idea how to do actual concrete networking that leads somewhere (please don’t say LinkedIn, it has never worked. Also cold contacting people has gotten me nowhere). I had to move all the way across the country to a state where I don’t know anyone. I don’t have any other contacts except the last guys I worked with who know I’m looking but can’t really be bothered about it. The point is, I never really had a chance to build really good, solid contacts over the years (in the attempts I’ve made, the people have never been all that interested in giving me any sort of actual concrete help).

        Not to unload on you, but I have been unemployed for a few years now, my brother has been unable to get more than part-time, and my mother has also been unemployed all this time. My parents lost their house, my dad’s been downsized out of two jobs. This is not all “all of a sudden” thing. This is the rising flood of “stuff constantly going wrong” and I’m taking time on the internet to vent about it because I literally have no one in real life to discuss stuff with at all.

        1. iosognodisonno +6

          I’m so sorry, that sounds like tons of hard shit to deal with and it’s worse when your whole family is struggling.

          Yeah, LinkedIn isn’t the best cause it’s not people you meet in real life. If you can find local networking groups in your area, that’s way better (like meetup groups or professional organizations). But I have no idea where you are or what kind of groups would be there.

          Good luck! I hope it starts looking up for you and your family and you can find a comfortable enough living routine in the meantime.

        2. Serena12 +2

          That’s rough. Your family sounds like it’s gotten the short end of the stick way more than its fair share.

          It depends on your field but networking strategies I have seen (sometimes) work in my field:

          -trade shows/other gatherings for your target customer base: start conversations and let them know what you can do for them, or see if you can present on a topic in your field relevant to their industry
          -if you are part of a professional or trade association, see if they have a formal mentorship program
          -find ways to keep your resume current in your field even if you have to work the big box store type job Onymous refers to below – see if you can publish a paper/article in a trade publication/volunteer your skills for a good (and preferably high profile) cause etc

          It depends on your personality but personally I hate any sort of networking with a socializing aspect; I’d much rather “network” by getting the chance to show people I know my stuff.

          It takes a long time for networking to pay off, so try to stay optimistic. I know colleagues who have gotten calls that led to actual work 1-2 years after they’ve done a presentation or written an article on a topic, so it happens!

    3. jimmyjimjimjim +13

      I don’t know where you live but if you can handle it apply to Target or Walmart or just any big box retailer. The jobs crap but it’s money->in instead of money->out. If you can save money, eventually the money savings will start looking like something, if you can’t save it is at least some amount of pressure off and if nothing else its a work history. It took me two years before my saving started looking like a second round of school and it’ll be four years at Target when I actually end up going full time, and 7 years of Target when I get through (if) but having a number that (mostly) kept going up has kept me getting out of bed and kept the crying-myself-to-sleep to a minimum.

  19. gclouts +35

    I don’t know why, but he is back. I thought he was going to be abroad all semester so I would be graduated before he ever got back and I would never have to see him again. But here he is.
    Of course he comes back just as I was stress free in every aspect of my life and even thinking about trying to have sex again. Because God forbid that I forget about it and actually move on with my life. All I wanted was to grab a quick lunch. Not to take a bunch of steps backward in dealing with this.

    7. Linabobeena +4

      Guessing at the details but: this sucks, and I’m sorry the sonofabitch couldn’t stay gone.

      1. Sisyphus_Cog +1

        Ohmigod YES that is exactly what I look/sound like while job searching/changing!

      2. lbolesta +1

        That is exactly how I feel right now. Working in publishing for 10 years has ruined me for other industries. I just want to wallow in the snow and cry but the mortgage, she needs to be paid.

    2. LeenyRose +2

      Sorry I have nothing to add, I just want to follow this thread, because my husband is considering a career change and we have so many questions!

    3. Nashirakins +4

      Right now, it mostly consists of studying a lot and then looking at my techbro brothers and wondering if I’m making a mistake by going into tech. I am currently leaning towards info security since, in the day to day world, it seems marginally less bro-y than programming.

      But it’s basically so much nerve wracking nervousness and second-guessing of myself.

      1. groovy_ToB +1

        I made a career switch from tech writing to IT sys admin. There are techbros, to be sure. But most of the guys I’ve worked with have been really nice and not bro-y at all. Info security is a growth field (as you no doubt know). Good luck!

    4. rkfire +1

      I would love to camp here because I keep on flirting with the idea of doing a pivot to knowledge mgmt and slightly away from grantmaking. If anyone has done anything similar, specifically turning to knowledge mgmt, please let me know! I’m not sure if I’m even looking at the right thing

    5. ETT +1

      I want to hear all of these journeys! I’m really worried that my current career path is going in not exactly the direction I wanted it to, and the current pivot I’m considering would pay more but I do NOT want to do that for the rest of my life and I just need to hear some stories.

    6. fenixdawn +7

      I need one of those! I suppose I already did so once . . . I stumbled from academia into managing a small local shop (through volunteering then working at other small local shops). I never had a goal in mind other than the panicked OH GOD, NO JOBS IN ACADEMIA, HOW WILL I LIVE flailing about. Now my flailing about is more related to figuring out what the hell the next step is from academia -> managing a small shop -> more sustainable, long-term career where I earn more money and have some degree of intellectual engagement. What . . . is that?

    7. denalidenali +5

      I was a freelancer in an artistic field and not feeling the freelancing any more, and also wanted more of a challenge / tackle different problems… but I didn’t know what exactly I wanted to do.
      Step 1: Got a job in academia, salary & benefits for the first time ever woo! They saw how my skills transferred, and this job gave me the time & space to figure out my next step.
      Step 2: Start grad school part-time because I like the program, use the coursework (MPA) to further refine my path. It was good to start part-time since I didn’t know my end goal. 2 core requirements per semester helped me figure it out before blowing through all my electives.
      Step 3: Switch to full-time grad school, to take advantage of fully immersing myself in campus & networking opportunities & study my butt off.
      Step 4: Graduate, land good 2-year post-grad position in my new field (affordable housing), continue to network and use my school’s career services office for all their resources — they especially helped me learn how to sell the skills & experience connection between Career 1 and Career 2, a story that used to be difficult for me to tell, but now it’s a well-rehearsed script and feels awesome to tell.
      Step 5: Continue to find employment with orgs that can draw the parallels and acknowledge my accomplishments.

    8. allanaaa +1

      Ha! I say I’m a career-switcher, but I have been thinking about this lately:
      Up until I took my masters for career #2, I was still bartending, so maybe career #1 never really existed? All I know is I had four years between my undergrad and starting my masters, and I took at least 2 years off for bereavement, and didn’t really accomplish anything of note in the other 2 years. I guess all the hustle in my undergrad counts, sort of? But I made the decision to get out of the arts field (as a critic and arts admin professional, and plans to be a consultant of some kind) based on a bunch of very vague reasons, mainly that I couldn’t stand the people – both flaky artists and genuinely icky men that I would have to deal with incessantly. I also was not nearly as good at hunting down and pitching freelance writing gigs as I am now.
      I don’t recommend “I went back to school for a masters” as a career-switching method in and of itself, but if you take it on for the benefit of student status (scholarships, awards, essay contests, co-ops and internships and student-only jobs) as a way to jump-start things, it can work out okay. I hustled a lot during my masters to get a bunch of awards, presentations and publications, jobs, and experiences that I am only now realizing put me far above some of my peers. You could probably get the same benefits from one extra year of undergrad for way less cost than I did.

    9. PotterPotterson +2

      I would love to camp out in this thread as well! I have a masters in my field and it’s like, is this what I really want? So seeing people’s stories is great. Also, if anyone is willing to share their process for deciding to switch careers/fields as well, I would definitely appreciate that!

    10. MaladyDee +3

      I’m switching careers right now! I worked tech support in call centres for a decade and saved up a bunch of money, and now I’m moving out to the west coast, living with some friends while i get my feet under me, and being a self-employed artist! I’m sure you guys will hear all about how that goes, I’m moving in about a month!

    11. eegghh +1

      Wanted to go to art school. Ended up at liberal arts college with dual majors in International Development and Studio Art. Then they had a free MA, so I did that and ended up with a degree in Com Dev. and Planning (land use). This also included time at various arts and youth non profits. Then I went to be a planner in LA. For 8 years doing nothing to do with most of that. And now after a certificate program in creative placemaking and a move to NYC and an internship at a paper studio I’m starting a job at an arts agency to help build organization capacity.

      It’s been a winding road 10+ year road. Volunteering and coursework outside of my work, plus the hard skills I gained are what I’d credit with allowing me to switch. I think people look for the narrative- why you want to switch and what you already did that is what steered you there. I also think taking courses in hard skills give you a leg up- especially when it comes to new software in a field.

  21. meetapossum +11

    I’m waiting to hear about a new job and I was supposed to hear back Monday or Tuesday, and now it’s Thursday and the Publisher hasn’t gotten in contact and I’m going craaaaazyyyy.

    1. isabelcooper +1

      Me too: interviewed Friday before last, they said they’d get back to me “within about a week” with next steps, have heard nothing. My friends, mom, and AAM say that “about a week” in corporate time means “we’ll try for a week, but it might be two or even three if someone gets stomach flu or whatever” and I shouldn’t despair yet, but it is VERY DIFFICULT to avoid, and I cannot drink yet.

    2. GingerHawk +1

      Good luck! I was just in the same position of waiting and I know how agonizing it can be to fight off the feeling of “please just tell me something, anything” for days at a time. I hope you hear nothing but good news soon.

    3. swordsnspindles +1

      Call them up yourself? Not a good sign that they’re skipping both Monday and Tuesday to contact you, but a polite inquiry would certainly show your eagerness to get the job.

    4. Merripat +1

      It happened to me! I applied for an internship, they called me on a Wednesday and said they would decide on the next day. I didn’t hear from them, so I assumed they had chosen someone else and were waiting for their response.
      And then, out of the blue, they called me on the next Tuesday and said they chose me!
      And it’s also with a publishing company, so maybe this is just their thing. Fear not!

  22. Scared_Vagina +19

    Toasts, my best best friend is moving to Hong Kong next month and she is there right now for a 10-day handover with the person whose job she is taking and I am already NOT ENJOYING IT.
    This combined with me deciding to stop all this ridiculousness with Work Crush is resulting in much less textual activity up in my phone and I feel alone.
    Tell me nice stories about how you thought you were losing someone important but actually it was okay in the end.

    I am going for a swim after work and then maybe I will treat myself to a burrito.

    1. annecara +3

      My best friend moved to LA the other year (I’m on the East Coast), and we basically text as much as we ever did – probably more, because we don’t see each other as often! And one of my best guy friends moved to South Korea and now we text all the time, because the time difference means that when I need conversation at 11pm it’s only 1pm there! It’s not the same, but I don’t feel any loss of connection or friendship at all.

    2. kaylaelisabethblog +4

      My best friend moved across the country from me 4 years ago, and it strengthened our relationship. It has definitely been hard, navigating time change and figuring things out. We’ve both gotten busy- she started a family and I’ve jumped into work and dating. But, we actually touch base more than we did when we were living together. we watch movies together and discuss them over text, email constantly, and skype every time we can.

    3. Pacific_Midwest +4

      ooh, you get to visit Hong Kong and have a free place to stay! one year my bff and main social squeeze moved to a far away island (on my BIRTHDAY) and it was really hard at first, not gonna lie. but I put a lot of that free time I suddenly had into exercise, eventually learned how to make friends and plans on my own, and through texting/phone calls/visits, I am still extremely close with this friend. of course it sucks to not have a person who can physically show up in your life when needed, but emotional support can also come through emails and care packages. looking back, I wish I’d been more active in seeking out people and plans at the beginning instead of wallowing and feeling abandonded. Good luck! burritos are always there for you.

    4. Merripat +2

      One of my best friends moved abroad about a year and a half ago. We had been seeing each other almost every day, so it was really hard. What was even worse was that a lot of other people were also moving away at this point and I was still stuck in [tiny university town].

      While we don’t talk as much as we’d like, we text-chat a lot; I have just recently visited her and we switched right back into old comfortableness. And I somehow, without a real plan, met other people back here and became part of a new friend group. It still sucks sometimes because I miss my old group and sometimes feel like I’m the odd one out in the new group, but these are all great people, and I’m glad I found them. But yeah, I feel you.

      1. Scared_Vagina +2

        Aw thanks to all of you for chiming in with your stories. We already text almost constantly, which was also the case when lived in different cities/countries for 4 years post-college before I finally moved to the same city as her in 2014. It’s been so nice having her as a nearby friend and seeing her once a week for the last 2 years, and HK is just SO far away (compared to Dublin-London, or different cities in the UK/France which is where we were separate before).

        I have other friends but yknow it’s the little things like her not being awake for me to text about my workout when I leave the gym. I don’t think any of my other friends will care 🙁

        I am saving to visit her though. We’re planning to combine it with a trip to Japan which I’ve always wanted to do.

    5. westsidesquid +3

      My best friend moved to China right after our freshman year of high school (ten years ago) and we still talk almost every day. There have been some bumps along the way- it’s much easier to let a disagreement drag out when you don’t see each other all the time- but the whole experience has made us even closer. I just saw her for the first time in three years recently and it was like nothing had changed! Best of luck!

    6. caatness +2

      Two of my long-term besties live in Miami (I met them while on a job there) and the other is currently in Palo Alto but contemplating a job in Bangkok. It made things like hands-on help with a new baby hard, and wedding planning is likely to be less spontaneous, but we have totally made it work, and the visits become like vacations and are great.

      When Palo Alto best friend went on a one month walkabout to Thailand and then spent six weeks in Eastern Europe recently, we totally managed via commenting on private blogs we put up for each other in a sort of open journaling, FaceTime, scheduled calls, and loooots of texting. We also share a NetFlix so we would occasionally put stuff in one another’s lists as a hello/watch this with me kind of thing.

      It’s more work. It takes more deliberate time and energy, and you lose the supercasual having-someone-in-your-space thing, but it also adds its own value to the relationship.

  23. Kelsey +9

    DC Toasties!

    I am going there tomorrow for that job interview. I will have a free evening/afternoon. Where should I go for cheap/free?

    1. eastcoastanne +16

      My favorite Smithsonian is the Portrait Gallery/American Art Museum.

      The Renwick is also super popular at the moment, it is a few large craft installations. It is right by the White House if you fancy a selfie 🙂

      1. Theo_Winterwood +8

        The Portrait Gallery/American Art Museum is my favorite too–It has a whole lot of “wander around for a long time and get lost inside” potential.

        Also if you have five bucks, you can buy something out of the Art-O-Mat vending machine inside the big quiet room (whatever that’s called), which sometimes also has a little free coffee and tea cart set up in it.

        1. kallitropos +1

          It’s my favorite as well- I interned there and it was such a cool experience. There’s free wifi in the courtyard, and the 3rd floor has the Luce Center, which is basically library stacks but full of art instead of books. 7% of the museum’s holdings are in that one room, with 3% of the holdings everywhere else in the museum. (The other 90% are in warehouses out by Cheverly.)

      2. aberkoff +4

        I second both of those options! (which actually, technically the Renwick is part of the American Art Museum so even though they are in different buildings, they are kind of the same option?)

        The Renwick exhibition is called “Wonder,” and it’s a pretty accurate name based on the looks on people’s faces as they wander through it. It consists of these huge installation art pieces that were designed specifically for the spaces they’re in, so as you wander through, you feel totally immersed in them.

        My favorite part of SAAM/The Portrait Gallery is honestly the courtyard in the middle of the building, but I do like the permanent collections of both museums, and they building is laid out so that if you wander around aimlessly, you’ll wander into one museum from the other and back out again without even noticing.

        Oh, also, if you’re into museum stores, I really like the one at SAAM/Portrait Gallery, but my favorite museum store in DC is definitely the Building Museum, which is conveniently just a few blocks away.

    2. rkfire +6

      In case you’re so inclined: the National Building Museum! It’s great if you love cities, or urban planning, or architecture.

    3. plspassthePinot +2

      Ooo! I 2nd the Portrait Gallery during the afternoon & for cheap in the evening, find a great happy hour near wherever you are. We love cheap drinks here. Ambar on Capitol Hill has a $4 everything special 4-7pm (this was my find of the wk)

    4. Delphinia +1

      National Archives museum is free and they do really cool exhibits, but there’s sometimes a line–I think you can reserve a spot in advance though.

  24. winterbymorning +18

    Yesterday I got an email from HR about that job I had interviewed for, the one that was checking my references a few weeks ago. Friends, it is so vaguely worded that I don’t actually know what it means and I had to write back saying “So… just to clarify… this is a rejection, right?” (It’s not even the first time I’ve had to send such an email. It’s always cringe-inducing.)

    I haven’t heard back yet. So I’m in this weird in-between space – I’m telling myself that it was a rejection just so I don’t get my hopes dashed twice, but it’s not clear, and the HR person noted that I “don’t meet the language requirements” when I most certainly do, so is it possible that she has me confused with another candidate or am I just deluding myself by clinging to that possibility when I should just acknowledge I probably got turned down?

    1. actualmeg +17

      Ughhhhh I am so sorry. Why do people do this? The ENTIRE POINT of this type of email is to inform you whether or not you got the job, why be vague about it?

    2. aqueousmedium +13

      Oh no that’s rotten. Did you also clarify in your email that you do in fact meet the language requirements, in case the person has you mixed up with another candidates?

      1. winterbymorning +44

        I did, and I attached a copy of the relevant language test results as proof.

    4. Sarcastic?Me?Never!

      Good on sending the results in — they may very well have been confused or missed them. Ask for a post-board to find out exactly how they came to this decision. (This comes from someone who may or may not have had to rexamine 30 or so resumes because someone who was screened out challenged the decision, so EVERYONE had to be reexamined in case they, too, had been erroneously excluded).

      Even if they are screening you out, they have to cite the right (quantifiable) reason. I am not sure what union you are with, but if you feel comfortable talking to your shop steward you can also find out what other possible challenge routes you can take. Appealing HR decisions is surprisingly common in federal service.

  25. SarahDances +57

    My husband and I are getting cats this weekend!

    Foster cats, but still! A distant relative of my cousin needs to rehome her cats for about a year, and so my husband and I are taking in Chester and Sunshine – ~10 year old littermates who are super sweet and friendly, based on our meeting last month!

    I am excited, but also nervous because I’ve never actually lived with cats before and I’m worried about none of my stuff being safe from feline interference anymore! Pics to come in next week’s LR, I swear!

    1. dreadfulwind +5

      Congratulations! I took in a fluffy disaster of a stray cat a few months ago despite having previously only lived with elderly dogs, and it has been both a learning experience and an absolute joy. I wish you and your foster kitties all the best. (And don’t worry too much about feline interference with your possessions – in my experience it’s been fairly easy to move the few things I own that would be a danger to the cat out of harm’s way, and for the most part he’s more interested in stealing cough drops out of my purse than in knocking things over.)

    3. hummingrose +4

      Awesome!!

      I feel you on the feline interference fears; I’m getting kittens next month (eee!) and am looking around my apartment stressing about all the electrical cords and such that I need to find ways to hide; my previous cat was fairly laid-back for the majority of her life, and so it’s been over a decade since I needed to worry about what a cat might get into. I suspect 10 year old cats will be curious, but probably not actively destructive. Enjoy having them, cats are the best!

    4. leslieellenjones +8

      Ten-year-old cats are less likely to interfere than kittens (though a certain amount of interference is par for the course with any cat). But older cats tend to prefer to sit still and supervise you from a distance.

  26. OnceAHeroine +10

    Any Supernatural fan Toasties? I am all caught up on season 11 and having a large number of Castiel-related feelings.

    1. Alli525 +1

      I am a fan but have NOT caught up on S11, so no help there unfortunately. I am perpetually a season behind – they really need to give us a little time between releasing the previous season on Netflix and premiering the new season. I never have time to watch them all, and then by the time I do the new season is halfway over and I just can’t catch up.

  27. todddillard +50

    My kid’s started eating solids and laughs every time she eats a new food; I’m going to St. Augustine for a few days with the wife-y, which will be awesome; and I think I convinced the ardent Bernie Sanders heretic in my facebook feed to stop posting hateful things about HRC through commenting on his posts with youtube videos on treating severe burns. So, life’s pretty good right now 🙂

    2. betsymore +8

      My kid also just started eating solids! And now I feel cheated that it doesn’t result in spontaneous laughter every time I open a new jar of pureed vegetables.

      1. todddillard +7

        My wife and I got very lucky–our daughter just loves food! The only thing she hates is plain old water and, for some reason, avocados.

        Is it me, or do all the vegetable purees smell like liquid dirt??

    3. Nashirakins +7

      Laughing with delight at new foods is a very enjoyable habit as an adult, in case you were wondering. It makes adventurous eating much easier!

  28. sourwatermelons +49

    I just need to share with you all that I saw a Teen this morning on the train wearing a Marco Rubio baseball hat and at first I was appalled that somebody would like Marco Rubio enough to buy his merch and keep wearing it after he quit the race but then it occured to me that she could have been wearing it ironically? like some kind of extreme normcore thing? (it was not a cute hat) and now I don’t even know what to think.

    1. kjschapira +63

      If you do it ironically, you’re still doing it. This applies to everything, not just hats.

      1. sourwatermelons +25

        Very true. And unless she bought it at a Goodwill she still gave Marco Rubio money by buying it. Two thumbs down, Teen.

        1. Bryn (Plus Others) +20

          Given that she was a Teen, it may have been bought for her/given to her.

    2. arachnidette +4

      The Young Person that I associate with (age 20) was very supportive of Ben Carson all fall. Now she favors Cruz. I don’t probe too much because I don’t want to ruin our friendship, but I am surprised. And also confused.

  30. typewriterandgramophone +45

    Potential Landlord approved my rental application and I have a place to live! It’s farther away from work than where I am but much cheaper for a larger, nicer room (on the top floor with nobody upstairs) sharing two bathrooms and a nice big kitchen and plenty of storage space with three other people instead of one bathroom and a small kitchen and not much storage space with two!

    THE HOROSCOPES AND TAROT CARDS WERE RIGHT.

    Wishing my fellow Toastesses happy resolutions to their own things that have been weighing on their minds for a long time.

  31. lyetteann +22

    Found out yesterday that the hotel I’m staying at for Wizard World Philly is the one where they usually put up the guests.

    …I’m gonna get arrested.

    (Any Toasties going to the con?)

    1. sednarea51 +5

      GASP
      if you see cute Marvel heartthrobs, please take pictures!!!!!!

      Alas, I am not going. I was chewing it over earlier but decided against it, and it turns out it’s good I did because grad school orientation is the same day I was thinking of going. Soon, though. I’m making this happen soon.

      1. lyetteann +15

        Haha, “take pictures,” you say, like I won’t be immediately handcuffing myself to anyone I see. (Note: I will not actually be handcuffing myself to anyone.)

        Right now, I have purchased an autograph with Sebastian Stan and am using my friend’s extra VIP ticket for the Captain America panel, so I will definitely see them AT the con at least & promise to take roughly a billion pictures for you.

  32. AliceIsHopeless +27

    HELLO TOAST
    I am So Very Happy about this because I am working tomorrow. I am really stressed out by my dissertation, and three of my friends are suddenly coupled up which is… annoying, because they’re all in the cutesy/gross stage, so I am feeling a bit lonely.
    BUT!!!! I am planning a solo adventure for June! Flying to Stockholm, 2/3 days there, overnight train to Gothenburg, two days there, train to Oslo, 3 days there, flying back to London. It’s expensive but I am so excited, apparently all scandinavian airbnb hosts own at least two cats, this is going to be the best.

    1. hammocknap +15

      My last airbnb host had a cat named Avocado, who earned her name by climbing the avocado tree and sneaking in through the window in order to adopt the family that lived inside. Aaaadorable.

      1. AliceIsHopeless +4

        AVOCADOCAT this makes me very happy

        see also https://www.etsy.com/listing/271570330/avocatdo-p…

    2. cuminafterall +2

      I did almost that exact trip in reverse a few years ago! (I tacked Bergen on at the beginning, just for the Bergen-Oslo train journey, which was breathtaking.) I loved the open-air Folk Museum in Oslo, the ferry to the Gothenburg archipelago, and basically the whole SoFo district of Stockholm. And there’s amazing coffee and pastries everywhere. Enjoy!!!

    3. Merripat +5

      You didn’t ask, but still, here’s a recommendation for Stockholm: Skansen! It’s an open-air museum with a lot of historic houses and people in costume explaining Swedish history to you. And there are animals!

      1. AliceIsHopeless +1

        Thank you!! I meant to ask for tips but I’m still sorting out details, will probably ask for more on a later thread 🙂

  33. sausagedog +14

    Woah, Thursday OT!

    Depending on whether or not there is a Friday one, this might be my last open thread before heading to Japan! Going to visit my brother. It will be my third time going.

    I have a few related questions for you, Toasties.
    1) On long flights, have you ever brought compression socks? I have fine circulation but a severe phobia of circulation problems, which reaches a peak on flights, and was wondering if compression socks make you feel noticeably better.
    Corollary: any long flight tips for newbies? I’m old hat at the 13 hour flight, but my boyfriend is coming along, and he’s never been on a flight over 6 hours.

    2) Book recommendations? I need to load up the old Kindle. Tell me what you’ve been enjoying that is engrossing, but not depressing, since I’ve had emotional crises at 20,000 feet before and it’s not my favorite way to spend a flight.

    2. Wahmanda +2

      Oh! http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00AEC8P2Y/ref=d…

      The Natural History of Dragons! It’s a whole series and a fun light read.

    3. chiaroscuromom +9

      Books:
      The Sweetness at the Bottom of the Pie by Alan Bradley
      The Eyre Affair by Jasper Fforde
      My Beloved World by Sonja Sotomayor
      The Dark Is Rising (sequence) by Susan Cooper
      Dearie: The Remarkable Life of Julia Child by Bob Spitz
      The Pigeon Pie Mystery by Julia Stuart
      Among Others by Jo Walton
      The Wee Free Men (or anything else) by Terry Pratchett
      King Peggy: An American Secretary, Her Royal Destiny, and the Inspiring Story of How She Changed an African Village by Peggielene Bartels
      As You Wish: Inconceivable Tales from the Making of The Princess Bride by Carey Elwes
      Station Eleven by Emily St John Mandel
      Whose Body? by Dorothy Sayers
      Notorious RBG: The Life and Times of Ruth Bader Ginsburg by Irin Cameron

      1. sausagedog +4

        Oh I am very interested in a biography of Julia Child. And The Eyre Affair is one of my dad’s favorites, maybe I should check it out. Great list!

      2. permanentteal +7

        Sweetness at the Bottom of Pie and Wee Free Men have the best pre-teen characters since Harriet the Spy.

        1. hawthorn_tree +1

          Sweetness at the Bottom of the Pie has a great audiobook too, if you like those.

    4. GingerHawk +10

      My recommendation will always be the Lies of Locke Lamora, by Scott Lynch. It’s a little bit like Ocean’s 11 meets Assassin’s Creed, if you’re familiar with any of those. If not, it’s a story about thieves set in a fantasy world that feels an awful lot like Renaissance Venice. It’s not big on the lady characters, but it’s a fun read.

      1. exitpursuedbyaclaire +7

        And once you’re past the first book, the series gets *infinitely better* on lady characters. (Book two heavily features a pirate captain who is a single mother of two, for example; she is my favorite of the many, many female characters introduced past book one. Scott Lynch recognizes the failings of representation in the first book and has worked to do better.)(I like this series a lot.)

      2. Angelan_ +1

        it is so, so good. I don’t care for the sequels as much but I’ve read the first one about fifty million times.

      3. rachelthistle +1

        This is literally my long flight series. I will buy and save these books specifically for flights to Australia. SO GOOD. This series is all about the worldbuilding for me, and I love to just roll around in it. He’s not particularly kind to his characters, but this is one instance where that doesn’t seem to bother me as much.

    5. CurrerBell789 +3

      Books!

      The Fortune Hunter, by Daisy Goodwin

      Anything by Jaclyn Moriarty, but especially her Colors of Madeleine Trilogy–A Corner of White is the first.

      I Capture the Castle, by Dodie Smith (one of my ultimiate fun/comfort reads).

      1. sausagedog +4

        I Capture the Castle was the first book I put on my Kindle, at the recommendation of Toasties! I read it on the plane back from visiting my parents, it was a great airplane read.

    6. hawthorn_tree +2

      Do you like fanfiction at all? I like to download a ton of things from AO3 to my kindle and jump wildly between them on long flights.

      1. sednarea51 +6

        HARD second. The moment I realized I could read wonderful smutty queer fan romances on my Kindle mid-flight was a beautiful moment indeed.

    7. heartofozone +4

      Ooh here are my most recent favorite books

      Crazy Rich Asians by Kevin Kwan! It’s hilarious and unique and over-the-top. My father is from India and although the characters in the book are not from India, there’s an enough solidarity between Asians (or at least the community I grew up in) in the US that I felt a little emotional reading it.

      At Night We Walk in Circles by Daniel Alarcón. Very, very engrossing. Funny in an offbeat, poignant way. It is the strange and compelling (fictional) story of a travelling theater troupe in an unnamed South American country. It is not a feel-good book but I didn’t find it depressing. Your mileage may vary.

      And I second Wee Free Men by Terry Pratchett.

    8. sednarea51 +13

      I started to wear compression socks on long fights after getting a blood clot last year, and I’ve found them to be comfortable and to make my legs feel less heavy and stiff after flights. A+, highly recommended. For the record, the other things I was told to do to lower my clot risk are to stay hydrated (I’ve started to bring a liter of water on the plane for myself) and to flex my legs and calves hourly. A little Googling will bring up some simple stretches and flexes you can do while sitting in your seat. Good on you for being proactive about circulation- blood clots are a pain, avoid when possible. I hope you have a wonderful time on your trip!

      1. sausagedog +5

        Thanks for sharing your experience! I’m going to buy some socks right now. And yes to the tip on the hydration– I’m terrible about it on flights, since I hate getting up to pee all the time, but it sounds like that would actually kill two birds by forcing me to flex my legs. I’m sorry you got a clot, but I super appreciate the advice!

        1. Valkyrumba +8

          I’m in my 20s and have a pair of knee-high compression socks that I wear on plane rides and long car trips. Also occasionally when I’m going to be on my feet all day. They can be kind of overly-warm and squeezy until you get used to them, but your legs/feet will thank you when you take them off and you feel great. I’ve been warned that hormonal birth control can make you more prone to bloodclots (my mom has had a few incidences) and so I’m especially cautious.

          Long flights: Headphones, eyemask, puzzles like crosswords (if you enjoy them), sweatshirt/scarf for warmth and using as a pillow. Multiple types of snacks! Never done it, but imagine having one of those coloring books with colored pencils that are popular now would be entertaining.

        2. sednarea51 +2

          I am glad my experiences are able to help other folks out! 🙂 I completely get you on not wanting to get up all the time, but yeah, peeing is a good way to make yourself get up and walk a little bit. I especially like the leg exercises because I don’t have to ask anyone to move, though.

    9. morgenmuffel +6

      Yay, enjoy! I don’t wear compression socks, but I am shameless about getting up a lot (like once every 1-2 hours) and, space permitting, doing some kind of calf raises or other stretches while waiting for the bathroom. As for reading material, I’ve been happy with Lois McMaster Bujold – fun, medium-length space adventures!

    10. sourwatermelons +6

      The socks can’t hurt! A family friend got a scary clot on a long flight (not helpful info right now, I know) and the doctor who helped her recommended she and anybody else take a small dose of aspirin before a long flight because it’s enough of a blood thinner to potentially prevent anything really scary. And don’t forget to get up and move around!

    11. Notreallydorine +3

      The Hundred Thousand Kingdoms or The Fifth Season by N.K. Jemisin. Engrossing but not depressing, with women main characters.

      ETA: I forgot there is some depressing content in The Fifth Season. But it is written so well and the base story is so good, I didn’t finish it feeling depressed.

    12. steelyglints +4

      I’m glad to hear I’m not the only person who is afraid of this thing! I don’t have any circulation problem either but I wore compression tights for my last flight and they did easy my anxiety. I have no idea if these work like compression socks but as a placebo they were effective. Socks might be better though, the waist band was pretty uncomfortable.

      1. sausagedog +6

        The validation in this thread has been really nice, I haven’t talked about compression socks with people IRL because I was worried they’d be like “why are you worried about that, you’re 23” and I’d feel dumb. But the responses here have been so informational and affirming, I’m definitely getting the socks.

        1. aqueousmedium +4

          You sound very sensible! And aside from the clot issues, compression socks can also help prevent foot & ankle swelling after long haul flights. Do not be like me and limp around the UK for two weeks because you wore the wrong shoes right after landing and shredded your feet!

    13. sfbeee +6

      i LOVED rebecca traister’s “all the single ladies”– it’s about the rise of single women in america, and it’s just excellent. the chapter on female friendship, in particular… oof!

    14. Erin +12

      Hi! I’m a vascular surgeon so I deal with blood clots all the time. For long flights or car drives, the reason people get blood clots in their veins is that the blood is just sitting there for long periods of time (usually it gets pumped up towards your heart by your muscles when you move around).

      So, the most important thing to do is move around. Get up to go to the bathroom, pace the aisle, do any of those exercises at your seat that you can google. You don’t need to be neurotic about it though, every few hours is fine.

      Compression stockings can help prevent a blood clot in your superficial veins (they press on the veins from the outside so blood can’t collect in them as easily). There are two vein systems in the legs, superficial and deep. Deep veins clots are the more dangerous ones.

      Aspirin is an antiplatelet agent, not a blood thinner, so it won’t prevent blood clots. But, it probably won’t hurt to take it if it makes you feel better. I haven’t heard that staying hydrated will prevent blood clots, but it will make you get up to pee, which is a good thing!

    15. brittaunfiltrd +2

      Yes to compression socks! I have to wear them pretty regularly [because of boring family medical history stuff] but they are a real godsend for preventing/managing swelling on flights. 15-20 hg should do pretty well for you if have no family history of clots etc, but 20-30 are also quite nice (I wear 15-20 daily & 20-30 on planes). I like the Rejuvahealth & Sockwell brands, they’re a little expensive but they are also really nice and have patterns so they just look like regular socks.

  34. Social +52

    Does anyone remember *GLOMP* from the early LJ days? Because I want to GLOMPHUGS The Toast.

    I don’t really have much to report but I’m a little hungover today because two very kind lesbians adopted me last night and made me talk about my breakup while feeding me margaritas. It was nice.

    It’s a little disquieting too because it means I’m apparently giving off all sorts of pathetic ADOPT ME / FREE TO A GOOD HOME vibes, which isn’t great for my self-esteem. I have a date lined up for tomorrow night (somehow?) and I’m praying I don’t do something stupid like cry, or whatever.

    I’m reading lots of self-care/ self-love things because people keep directing me to them. Thinking about moving to another city. I’ve realized I hate my job and I’m not happy in my city anymore but that it’s really my responsibility to change that if I want to.

    Sorry to be a downer! I have no reason to be down, all things considered, things are ok and I am eating food and paying rent and even socializing a small amount. My isolation is really mainly self-imposed. It’s weird when to have survived genuinely terrible situations only to run into a medium-terrible situation years later and realize you have forgotten all of your coping skills.

    But also: Rogue One. GAME OF THRONES returning April 24th. A NEW SEASON OF DAREDEVIL on as soon as I choose to view it. So there’s some cool stuff in media happening.

    1. awnutts +13

      I am so proud of you! You are eating food and paying rent and even socializing a bit! That takes some serious emotional energy.

      I know that people say don’t make a big decision in the wake of a breakup, and I generally agree. But I’m going to offer that looking for a job in a new city isn’t a terrible idea. If you don’t have any family or career ties to your current city that you really want to hold onto, go ahead and start searching out your next adventure. Maybe you’ll move somewhere and hate it. So what? You’ll move somewhere else and you’ll probably learn a bunch of cool things on the way. Also, maybe you’ll move somewhere new and love it!

      Whatever you choose, I’m so glad you’re taking care of yourself. And I’m glad you’re administering a healthy dose of television, aka–the best medicine.

      1. Social +6

        Thanks awnutts. I have a job here but other than that there’s no reason I NEED to stay where I am. I think I’ve built up enough of my resume that I can start sending out applications and we’ll see how it goes from there. An adventure sounds fun right now. Thank you for the encouragement.

    2. swordsnspindles +4

      Want to squee over that new season of Daredevil with me when you’re ready? I’m going to start S2 soon and have NOBODY to squee with. I need to tell more people of my adoration for Charlie Cox beating up people. (This is an attempt to distract you from your woes – I’m certain everything will get better for you soon! Take care of yourself.)

    5. exitpursuedbyaclaire +10

      I had forgotten about glomp too! How could I have forgotten? I love *glomp*

      Social, I’m so happy to hear you’re taking care of yourself. Echoing what others have said in this thread–you’re doing great. Sometimes the medium things can be more frustrating than the hard things, because society tells us that if we can’t handle the medium-terrible things, there’s something wrong with *us,* not something wrong with our situation. I’m sorry you’re still going through some medium-crummy things, but I know you’ll be able to get through them.

    6. caatness +7

      “it’s really my responsibility to change that if I want to” – I have been grappling with this so much myself of late. Self-directed major change is actually really freaking difficult. But, theoretically worth it.

      You sound like you are actually doing really well as Life Stuff, and I think you deserve to feel really good about that. It’s a big deal. Continuing to actually sleep, eat, pay rent, and socialize are not easy for some of us.

  35. deleted7410012 +36

    there were more layoffs at work and my boyfriend got laid off. this is totally buttsville.

    on one hand—now we don’t have to hide our relationship from coworkers anymore because…we’re not coworkers anymore. on the other hand—BUTTSVILLE. he’s so nonchalant about it (it’s happened to him before and he found a new job within the month) but i am freaking out!

    1. thebeagee +9

      Total buttsville. Hopefully it works out like last time and he can get something new quick.

  36. viviennestreet +17

    I have been listening to Dufay’s Missa L’Homme Arme for over a month now. It is beautiful and soothing and like nothing I’ve ever heard before. Usually choral music doesn’t do it for me, but mmmph.

    2. Räven +1

      I love that one! (Honestly I think it isn’t even my favorite missa l’homme armé which maybe is josquin?) But it is yes so great and I’m going to listen to it all weekend now that you’ve brought it up. Thank you!

      1. viviennestreet +1

        I’ve heard good things about Josquin’s! I’ll make sure to give it a listen whenever I get tired of Dufay’s. Have a good weekend!

  37. winterbymorning +24

    Happy things, since my previous comment here was kind of a bummer:

    – We’re moving on Saturday! Yay for having an apartment that’s an upgrade from our current place by every conceivable measure (except that I’m losing my walk-in closet and my soul is crying). It’s going to be a pain in the ass to actually move and then assemble all the new furniture we got and all that tedious moving stuff but it’ll be worth it!

    – Sephora sale this weekend! In times of trouble I can always count on beauty products to soothe me. Makeup-inclined Toasties, are you going to get anything? I’m thinking of getting an YSL lipstick so I can feel like a fancy lady, and a backup of my foundation because that’s actually kind of a reasonable purchase and it will make me feel better about the frivolity of the expensive lipstick.

    1. SmrtCookie +3

      I have a sephora gift card burning a hole in my pocket so I’m here for this. I’m probably going to do your 1 reasonable thing/1 frivolous thing and try to find a concealer that actually works and finally grab a Bite lipstick.

      1. sausagedog +4

        I know zero about their lipsticks, but I tried out a sample of the Bite agave lip masks, and they are dreamy.

        1. SmrtCookie +1

          I’ve never actually tried one, other than coloring all over the back of my hand in the store. They’re just so pretty!

        2. leslieellenjones +2

          Ditto for Bite! Their Tannin is a wonderful red, Ganache (I think) a lovely bright pink.

    2. loren_smith +3

      I;m thinking about what I need too! I was thinking tinted moisturizer (maybe Shiseido??) and a good nude lipstick? I have a MAC one that I hate the formula of, but I really love the look. Anyone tried the new Estee Edit barest lip colour?

      1. winterbymorning +7

        I’ve heard good things about the new Estée line but I just think it’s so odd they picked Kendall Jenner as the face of it. Estée Lauder has a “moneyed older woman” vibe to it and I don’t see how Kendall speaks to their demographic.

        1. shellygrrl +5

          Maybe the fact Estee Lauder still screams “moneyed older woman” is WHY they went with Kendall as a spokesmodel for The Estee Edit (and for EL in general)? To get younger customers interested?

          That said, Estee Lauder was my first taste of high-end makeup. I was a teenager and received a massive set of stuff for Christmas one year.

    3. actualmeg +2

      I’m thinking of switching to a new tinted moisturizer/light foundation and am planning on doing it during the Sephora sale to save a little cash. If anyone has recs for someone with very very pale combo skin, let me know. (I’m looking at the new NARS Velvet Matte stuff but am not sure yet.)

      1. winterbymorning +4

        I use the Urban Decay Naked Skin foundation in the shade 0.5 and I love it! I would say the coverage is light to medium (it doesn’t fully cover my dark circles). My skin leans more toward dry though.

      2. GreenGrasses +3

        I really like the Laura Mercier oil-free tinted moisturizer! It blends in really well and doesn’t upset my super sensitive oily/combo skin.

      3. Abracadanielle +2

        I’m not sure how their lightest shades are (I’m #3 light beige), but I love Smashbox Liquid Halo HD foundation. It blends well and does a good job of smoothing out redness/blemishes while letting my freckles show, and hasn’t given me any skin trouble.

        Paula’s Choice Resist Super-Light Wrinkle Defense SPF moisturizer is great too – more sheer but still some good coverage, and it’s great for sensitive skin.

      4. loren_smith +2

        I’ve been using the Dr Jart BB cream – it came in a small and cheaper travel size, that’s lasted me a long time. A little chalky sometimes, but I have liked it a lot.

    4. aravisthequeen +3

      God, foundation. I was discussing it with a friend this week and I feel like the time has come to learn me foundation? I’m pretty adept at eye makeup and a nice lip, and blessed with decent skin, but I want something to look more finished. I used to have a toe into the world of BB creme but now I’m totally at sea. Where do I even start?

      1. winterbymorning +4

        I went to my local Sephora and asked a sales assistant to help me find a good foundation. Sephora has their own ColorIQ shade-matching system which I haven’t heard good things about, but the SA who was helping me didn’t even bring it up – she just asked me what kind of coverage and finish I wanted and pulled out a few options from various brands to test them against my jawline. She gave me 2 samples to test out (and I went back another time because I wanted to try more stuff out but felt awkward asking for so many samples in one shot when I wasn’t even buying anything).

        You could do the same thing at a Shopper’s Drug Mart/other drug store with a decent cosmetics section. The Bay or other dept stores would be annoying because you’d need to do it counter by counter (but I guess that would reduce any sample request-related embarrassment).

        Findation is a good resource if you’re using a foundation in brand X and want to see what your closest colour matches would be in brands W, Y and Z.

        1. illyria83 +1

          Second the Sephora recommendation. You can do color match, or say I want to buy X foundation, which is the best match for me, or just try out their personal favs. It’s fun and I enjoy seeing what they come up with. But fair warning – it’s so easy to end up with a zillion steps and types of product and I just refuse to go through that every day. I try to limit to primer + foundation for a normal morning.

      2. actualmeg +3

        One of the things I JUST LEARNED is to invest in nice brushes or sponges, because that goes a loooong way toward making your foundation look even. I use a Sephora-brand brush at the recommendation of a salesperson, but I have friends who swear by their BeautyBlenders.

        I agree with winterbymorning to take Sephora’s ColorIQ service with a grain of salt–it matched me with a shade, and I thought “hmmm, this doesn’t seem right but I guess I should listen to the experts.” Lo and behold, I ended up having to return it and swap it out for a different one after a few days.

        Tinted moisturizers are also a nice low-maintenance alternative to foundation–I use them most days, especially when I’m running late and don’t have time to deal with a full makeup face.

      3. S. Pebbletush +2

        Advice I wish I had been able to give myself in years past: Skin that looks like skin is gorgeous. I used to be a full-face of foundation person, and it just felt like overkill, was too much work, and frankly not something I was willing to spend the time on.

        I moisturize, throw on some YSL touche eclat on the areas that are kind of red, then do cream blush and highlighter. It takes approximately 2 minutes. Essentially, I cover the “imperfections” and then add some blush and highlighter. As a day to day thing, it works well and is way less work and $ than foundation.

    5. ofTrebond +6

      Makeup Toasties! How much do you all tend to pay for lipstick? The current lipstick I have I got at Ulta for like a dollar, so, unsurprisingly, it lasts about half an hour into a party. I’ve been wearing it more often, though, so am considering upgrading. I was assuming that would mean spending $10-12, but there was a thread on favorite lipsticks last week and those were all around $30. Is that just what it costs to get a lipstick that will last several hours and not be super drying?

      1. winterbymorning +6

        With higher-end brands it can be hard to tell if you’re paying for higher quality or just the brand name or fancier packaging. The worst lipstick I’ve ever used was a Wet n Wild one, but I was also really disappointed by the NARS Audacious lipsticks which are $30 CAD. I have dry-ass lips so it can be hard finding something that doesn’t aggravate that issue. My fave drugstore lipstick line is Rimmel’s Moisture Renew which is nominally $8.99 but seems to be perpetually on sale for $5.99. I’ve also had good luck with the Maybelline Colorsensational line, but not the matte version, which was too drying.

        I think MAC would be a good place to start if you want to dip your toe into the pool of more expensive lipsticks. They’re around $16 and come in a really wide range of colours and finishes, and MAC has a good return policy if you decide it’s not worth the money. (Same for Sephora.)

        1. sweatahweathah +1

          Whoops! Your reply was not showing up when I wrote mine, so I kind of repeated you on the whole MAC suggestion!

      2. sweatahweathah +5

        I think MAC has good lipsticks which if I remember are around $14 now-a-days? I usually spend $18-25, and I’ve spent $36 on one super amazing one (Charlotte Tilbury, see my comment below). I think you do have to spend more to get good pigmentation AND not have it dry out your mouth insanely. I usually layer my lipsticks over a balm, depending on the brand (Nars I used to really love but found them incredibly drying… but they have lipstick “pencils” that are great and I do not have that problem!). I could talk about this for ages, I apologize for all the blathering!

          1. sweatahweathah +1

            Oh dang! The last time I was getting MAC they were much more affordable and I guess I kind of refused to believe their prices had gone up so much 🙁

      3. illyria83 +3

        I’m partial to Make Up For Ever’s Rouge Artist Natural, which is $20, but you can get something nice from say, Clinique for $16 or 17.

        1. lemonack +2

          If you try Clinique, Black Honey is a great shade to start with! It’s a super wearable everyday translucent wine red.

      4. plspassthePinot +3

        Try ColourPop! They’re $10ish and their matte gloss lasts FOREVER its basically paint. Whenever i break it out i’m always showered w compliments.

      5. themegnapkin +2

        I just splurged on this lipstick (thanks to the Toasties who gave me the push on Monday!) and I really like it: https://www.net-a-porter.com/us/en/product/626671…
        It feels good on my lips, almost like lip balm–I even forgot I was wearing it, which doesn’t ever happen. I have a Forever 21 lipstick in a similar color, and there’s no comparison.

        1. themegnapkin +3

          Also to add: Revlon and Bite lipsticks rub off pretty quickly. The Charlotte Tilbury is long-lasting, plus I feel awesome wearing it (or, the one time I’ve worn it so far). I also like Smashbox Be Legendary Long Wear Lip Lacquer, but I have to touch it up frequently. I think expensive lipstick may be worth it? Because I could see myself wearing the Charlotte Tilbury regularly, and I don’t typically wear lipstick.

      6. sfbeee +4

        i ADORE the nars matte pencils– they are pricey, but my day is instantly better when i put on “mysterious red”

        [and then i feel mysterious]

      7. loren_smith +2

        I’ve had really good luck with the Sephora own line. The Cream Lip Stain is really great, and not as glittery as it looks in the tube! I just got the Colour Lip Last in Orange Rocks, too, and I love love love it. Perfect for summer, long wearing, easy application.

    6. sweatahweathah +2

      I am so excited for this sephora sale! I love to replenish my REN skincare cleansing balm during their sales**, I want to try a lipstick from Bite Beauty (since they are, from what I understand, hella “green”… esp. for sephora), and I am getting the Maison Margiela perfume trials (not “green” at all… but it’s so hard to find anywhere to try out “organic/natural” perfumes!). I love their scents but to me, they don’t have a lot of staying power for the price point, and I wish they would come in smaller bottles.
      The trial boxes are new and I’m so excited, as you get three roller ball sized perfume mists for $60. I am thinking of getting the “male” and “female” sets, but I will say right now that their Jazz club, which is a “men’s” scent, is AMAZING.

      Does anyone have a favorite shade from Bite Beauty? As for amazing lipsticks not carried by Sephora, I highly recommend: Ilia (organic and SO non-drying), Charlotte Tilbury ($$ and I only have one -in the cashmere matte finish- but worth it and you will feel like a silver screen goddess bc it comes in a rose gold tube and it’s amazing! Also has great staying power.)

      ** It’s $40 but it lasts A YEAR and when I was more dedicated to my skincare, I would *only* remove makeup, incl. eye makeup with that. After a few months, my ophthalmologist asked if she had given me a prescription for Latisse the last time I saw her, bc that’s how much my eyelashes grew out/thickened when I was using it religiously.

      1. winterbymorning +1

        Tell me more about this REN cleansing balm! I just ran out of my usual cleanser and it’s out of stock.

        1. sweatahweathah +2

          It is AMAZING!! It’s kind of the same as that oil-cleansing routine I think, in that you put it on dry skin.
          It comes with a lovely muslin facecloth too, which is perfect. So I usually take a pea-sized amount, rub it all over my face and eyes (it does not irritate my eyes as long as I follow up with something else after to get the little leftoever balmy-ness away, and I’m quite sensitive there). Then I run the muslin cloth under hot water (not boiling or anything) and place the cloth over my face so I am kind of steaming the balm into the skin. I might do this 2-3 times. Then I wipe off all the balm with the cloth, and I usually finish at least on my eyes with a super gentle cleanser and cool water (I like their foaming rosa centifolia cleanser for this job, and it’s also a nice morning cleanser too for the days when you need it) to get any excess balm off, since it does bother me if it sits there overnight.
          Then I just follow with my skincare and hop to bed 🙂

      2. actualmeg +3

        I just bought one of Bite’s High Pigment Pencils and it is GREAT, so so so moisturizing. It’s in Chablis, which is a nice bright rose pink, and impressively pigmented.

      3. lemonack +1

        Which Margiela do you like? I frequently find myself reaching for Lazy Sunday Morning on days I am too tired to put real thought into my perfume choices.

        I have to confess I adore Jazz Club, but feel weird wearing it after recently dumping a guy who wore it himself.

        1. cheekypinky +1

          Replica Flower Market! It’s just so lush and floral without being cloying.

  38. exitpursuedbyaclaire +17

    This week I went to a “young professionals” networking event for my company, and in the 15-30 minutes I was there, there were dozens of women and literally one man. Maybe two. I’m so confused! Our company isn’t in a field known for gender disparity–I don’t know our stats, but we can’t be *that* skewed. Do guys not network?

    1. askelade +44

      No, they just hang out in the Old Boys’ Club and get everything a) cheaper and b) first, that way.

      1. Ivans_Sister +8

        I was going to say, “they don’t NEED to network.” Which is not entirely true, but you know.

        1. BrieCS +9

          most of them legit only show up to networking events to get women. I know this because I entranced *seven* men away from a networking event that I was also attending when I started talking about selling sex toys (most of them were like, “hey, easy!”). I was proud for teaching them how the clitoris works and explaining that anal doesn’t make you gay. Go me?

          1. j_bird +5

            Hell, teaching one man how the clitoris works would be commendable. Seven is downright heroic!

  39. catatatatat +23

    After Katie Heaney’s article this week, I’m interested in your stories of coming out after teenagehood particularly for bi folks. So often the stories I see are that ‘i just always knew’ or ‘i never really enjoyed hetero sex’. What are your stories of self discovery? (I’m still working things out for myself)

    1. twenty4as +12

      In hindsight, there were certainly some clues of my queerness growing up, but I didn’t catch on until I watched The L Word in college. It took me a while to realize why I was so obsessed with the show, and then a while longer (a few years) to piece together my queer sexuality, and then another while longer to figure out my trans identity. When I was first discovering all of this, it really confused me that I hadn’t realized it previously because all I heard were narratives about people who knew early on in their lives. But now, while I really wish I had had some queer folks to look up to growing up (and a much less problematic show to watch than TLW), I don’t judge myself about how long it took me to work through it all, and I also don’t discount the identities I had before I realized my queerness. All to say, I identify strongly with your comment and I wish you the best of luck navigating all of the questions!

    2. Social +9

      Kinsey 4: I always knew but suppressed it so hard throughout adolescence that coming out to myself at the age of 19-20 (and out to others at 21) felt like a revelation.

      I took the typical cliche bi route: I was drunk one night in college and kissed one of my female friends (who- LUCKILY- was into it). But there were also some sexy dreams and panic attacks and occasional bouts of denial and some weirdness around hetero sex. Plus many, many awkward and one-sided friend crushes which I like to pretend never happened.

    3. deleted7410012 +14

      i was already trying to figure out my complicated relationship with desire re: men, trying to figure out when i knew i was attracted to someone or not, and at some point it just clicked that all those girls that i had always been super nervous around over the years…i didn’t just think they were super cool and pretty and intimidating, duh, i had crushes on them.

    4. winterbymorning +32

      I went to an all-girls Catholic high school run by nuns, aka confused teenage lesbian central. I quickly figured out that I was attracted to girls and since I didn’t really know any guys my age, I assumed I wasn’t attracted to men.

      Then at 19 I met this guy and was like “I don’t know why but I want to make out with you and also maybe touch your weird junk!!!” and a few years later I married him. I still touch his junk sometimes.

      It was a pretty big relief for my mom (not that anyone in my family ever said anything) because in her eyes I was finally over my mistaken idea that I was a lesbian. One of my gay friends acted like I was personally setting back the LGBTQ struggle to pre-Stonewall levels by dating a guy. We’re not friends anymore.

    5. helvetica547 +9

      Ohhh, good thread!
      It’s taken me about ten years to come fully to terms with being bisexual and I can’t say I’ve always known. But hindsight is 20/20 and I’ve realized that my childhood and teenagehood where I always thought gorgeous women were the ones whose posters I should have on my wall, were kind of red-flagging this a mile away.
      Buuuut when I was 15/16, I developed a pretty major crush on one of my classmates who became my first kiss and while at the time it was *in* to pretend to be into women, I realized that for me, it was no trend thing. I did think for a long time that it was all about this specific girl, not girls in general but sometime around university, I understood that it was full on queerness and not some fluke.
      It took me a while to accept this part of myself – also because I was confused about whether I was still into guys as well – but I’ve now come out to some friends and it’s been pretty great to not make awkward jokes about girls being pretty but just say exactly why I think they’re pretty.
      So good luck on your self-discovery! It might take time but you’ll get there.

    6. RudyRed +11

      In retrospect I developed attraction to men and women at the same time (around sixth grade), but I didn’t recognize it til high school. Before then, I just assumed it was normal for straight girls to want to hug and kiss and cuddle their female friends. And then I was like, oh no wait. Hm. But I definitely like guys too? Oh right there’s a thing called “bisexuality” maybe that’s me.

    7. logicbutton +17

      Well, first of all, I’ve never “come out” as such, because I’ve always been uncomfortable calling attention to myself as a sexual or romantic person; I just started identifying as bisexual to new friends and not being particularly secretive – I sometimes talk about it on Twitter, where my mom and several high school friends follow me.

      But as for how I figured it out – I’ve noticed that I’ve seemed to get more queer over time. My rule of thumb has been that my Kinsey score is always the first digit of my two-digit age. (And then I joke that my seventies should be interesting, because apparently I am a dad.) So I didn’t feel queer enough to identify as such until I was well into my twenties. I had a lot of anxiety over how to identify for many years – sometimes I’d go through periods of only liking guys and worrying that I was straight and thinking otherwise had been the result of some pathology, and sometimes I’d go through periods of only liking girls and worrying that I was a lesbian in denial. Eventually I found that the pendulum was swinging rapidly enough that, whenever I’d have one of those moments of doubt, I’d remember how recent the previous moment of doubt in the other direction had been, and I’d laugh kindly at myself and give myself a little mental pat on the shoulder. And then nothing terrible happened when I started identifying as queer for real, the end.

      1. sweatahweathah +14

        THANK YOU for this comment… I’ve been really confused lately and asking myself if I was, as you correctly put it, “a lesbian in denial”… but I still find guys hot? But I don’t want to date them right now? But I still might in the future? Ugh… it can be really hard.

        @Catatatatat : I’m still working on it all myself (in my late 20s), but that story really spoke to me– esp her feeling like she wasn’t really fully recognized/fitting any of the worlds she was straddling. I’m lucky that some of my closest friends are super happy to be sexually fluid without placing any labels on me/themselves. That has helped the most. I can like who I like without anyone I really care about demanding I assign a new label to myself.

        Related tangent question, if anyone is reading this far– On that article, there were a bunch of comments by queer teens along the lines of “Well HOW COULD YOU NOT KNOW?!” and I found myself super hurt/irrationally angry about those comments, and still am today. Is the “new generation” really THAT oblivious?

        1. logicbutton +12

          I edited this out of my earlier comment, but what helped me keep my head through those years of uncertainty was giving myself permission to reevaluate as many times as I wanted. It was huge – I was eventually able to view my identity almost detachedly, as a science in which new research was continuously being performed. The fact that some findings were uncovered later than others weren’t a personal failing; it was just how things happened to align.

          Teens! Even when they’re awesome they sometimes kinda suck! Darling teens, we all have our own personal journeys, and it is only by the grace of your higher power of choice that, in yours, certain discoveries presented themselves mercifully early. Please be sympathetic, and let people live.

        2. catatatatat +7

          So I grew up watching queer as folk with my dad (who came out late in life) but I’ve always been kinda hesitant about crushes/make-outs etc, and was super anxious in my teens and early 20s just generally. And now I have a long term bf who is great and I would like to keep. So it feels almost theoretical, like why am I even thinking about this, but also not.

          Also teens! It is so easy to be a judgemental teen and not realise your experiences don’t make you an expert on anyone but yourself, if that.

          1. sweatahweathah +4

            The whole theoretical thing– that really resonates with me. There was an article last summer, I dont’ recall where (maybe Buzzfeed? maybe here?) where they interviewed bi women who were married to or in serious relationships with men. And they felt like they weren’t part of the community and that part of their identity was being ignored or rejected. It was super interesting and I really identified with it a lot. If I can find it tonight I’ll come back and add the link 🙂

          2. vanadiumoxide +5

            This probably isn’t what you’re thinking of but is highly related: an open thread on Autostraddle last summer for bi women dating men (or bi-ish women, or bi women dating nobody, or….): http://www.autostraddle.com/we-see-you-an-open-th…

            For me, a bi-but-not-always-sure-about-it lady with plenty of experience with men and extremely little with women, it was magical and so very affirming.

          3. sweatahweathah +2

            It’s not (see bookworm below, who added the one I was thinking of!) but I am going to read the hell out of this one! Thank you 🙂

        3. BobOfSeals +12

          Yes, I feel hurt about those comments! I just started dating women at the tender age of 26 and like..OK youth of today! It’s not that I didn’t know but I didn’t think my attraction to women was strong enough to do anything about? TURNS out that’s not true, but it took me a minute to get here!

          1. logicbutton +13

            I think also some youth of today don’t quite realize how profoundly the culture has changed in a very short time. There have always been people who knew from birth that they were gay or that they were into boys and girls and in exactly what proportions, but even 15 years ago when I was a youth myself, being queer was presented as something that happened to other people, and if it did somehow happen to you, it was automatically and retroactively the cornerstone of your whole identity. Like, it wasn’t even about being confident enough to take that leap, it was about not being discouraged from considering the possibility entirely, especially if you were still attracted to the opposite sex.

          2. BobOfSeals +8

            Oh yes absolutely! A lot of my hesitation around coming out was not feeling gay enough- especially since I was (and am) attracted to men. There was not a viable blueprint for bisexuality/ queerness, esp for me as a WoC.

          3. sweatahweathah +4

            This is me!! Not thinking I liked them *enough* and also, even when lgbtqa identities were being recognized and of course more accepted than in my parents years, I still didn’t know anyone who was bi. I never heard about it, so I never considered it an option. I was like “well I like girls but most of the time I like guys more, so I must be straight!”
            They have no idea that even 10 years ago there wasn’t this mass discussion about sexuality and gender fluidity that the average person could access, and then use it to reflect on their own direction. But darn if I don’t wish these teens would do their research and empathize a bit.

    8. hey_lady +10

      I dated men until my mid-twenties (early 30s now). And I liked them and thought they were attractive. But, I never fell in love with any of them. When I met my now-wife, it really was like things clicked into place. I don’t discount the men-dating I did as being part of a false identity or anything–I think it helped me see what I wanted for my life and my relationships in a really valuable way. When I realized I was in love with a woman, it made sense. It wasn’t a lightbulb moment, exactly, but more a realization that there were other possibilities for my life, and I could do whatever the hell I wanted.

    9. meredithcbrogden +11

      Ooh, I’m here for this.

      So, like, looking back, it was kind of obvious that I wasn’t straight? But, as a girl, it’s easier to talk about finding other girls pretty and appreciating them up to a certain point without people finding it weird or thinking anything of it. Couple that with the fact that I never had close friends from middle school to high school, and I just never got an indication that the fact that I gravitated towards beautiful women and admired them and basically spent a lot of time thinking about them wasn’t exactly heterosexual.

      Then I got to my sophomore year of college and I basically fell head over heels in love with a girl a few years older than me who had just graduated. And I started re-evaluating my sexuality with some help from my friends (almost all of whom were straight, but they were really awesome about the whole thing and let me set my own pace for figuring things out). And then, one of my friends had a thing for me, and I had a thing for her, and we started dating. That…did not end well because she was emotionally abusive and controlling but I loved her a lot. And she was my roommate. (Do not date your roommates. The likelihood of it ending well is very low.)

      But, basically, I figured it out at 19. And my best friend at the time was all “well, we all kind of knew because straight girls don’t talk about girls the way you do, but no one said anything because that was your thing to figure out.” And, as time has gone by, I’ve realized that I’m definitely attracted to women more often than I am men, and I’ve definitely been only interested in dating women for awhile now, but I’m still bi.

      Now I just have to take that last step and come out to my conservative southern family. Been waiting for financial independence in case it does not go well.

    10. jwhittz +7

      I’m still in the working-things out camp, I guess? The thing is, I didn’t really connect the dots until college, when I’d already started dating the guy who, twelve years later, I would marry. We were one and off for a bit later in college, so I did have a few encounters with women, but it’s not a part of me that I’ve really legitimately explored.
      I have complicated feelings about it (despite–and maybe quite possibly because of–being very, very happy in my currently monogamous marriage to my dude.)

    11. bookwormV +8

      I came out (to myself and to others) as bisexual a couple of years ago, in my mid-20s, having been in a relationship with my male partner since the age of 19 (we’re still together). I had definitely always had feelings of attraction towards women – I remember thinking at the age of about 12, feeling attracted to a friend, “am I a lesbian?”. But I found men attractive as well, and the likelihood of ever having any sort of relationship with anyone felt tiny, so it wasn’t a pressing concern.

      In my late teens I had an experience that involved kissing girls and which was very weird and awkward for many reasons (I have never discussed it with the people involved, or told others the details), but I enjoyed the actual kissing part, definitely.

      Things came to a head a few years ago. I was always very interested in LGBT stuff – lots of books about queer characters, have always been a huge fan of Buffy and identified strongly with Willow, passionate about gay rights. I was in my local gay bookshop, where I often browsed, and the friendly guy behind the counter told me that their lesbian discussion group was that evening. And I didn’t feel like I could say “oh, no thanks, I’m straight”, because I didn’t feel certain about that at all. And I was still finding women attractive (I watched the same episode of Friends twice in a row, on E4 and on E4+1 an hour later, because an actress I found very attractive had a minor role and I wanted to see her. COME ON, self, this is obvious). I just got to the stage, really, where I had to articulate it and admit it to myself, because I felt like I was pretending to be something I wasn’t.

      Nothing has changed functionally – I am still in a monogamous relationship with a man, and that’s not likely to change. But I feel more comfortable now; I can openly express attraction to women without feeling weird, or like I have to hide it, because I feel like my feelings are legitimate. I went to an LGBT postgraduate meetup at my university (and saw two other people from my course there, because apparently librarians are super queer). I still feel awkward, sometimes, as I’m not likely to actually be in a relationship with a woman at any time soon – am I just calling myself bi, knowing I won’t have to put it to the test, because I like the idea of being like all the awesome queer ladies I know? Am I an imposter? But generally, it feels good to declare it.

    12. CanuteGoodman +3

      I’m a biromantic ace who prefers ladies, but growing up I somehow internalised the idea that girl’s crushes on other girls didn’t count. I say somehow because I don’t remember where I learnt it, but it was probably somewhere in all the girl’s school stories that I read. I’d internalised it by the age of ten, which I know because that’s when I read the Anastasia Krupnik book where she has a huge crush on her lady teacher. Anastasia’s mother’s speech about having a loving heart passed muster as a thinly veiled “This is a normal developmental stage and you are certainly not a lesbian,” speech, and that’s definitely how I read it. And even though I had equally huge intense crushes on a boy and a girl at the time, I thought only the boy crush counted/should be taken seriously.

      So I spent the next decade thinking I was straight despite spending four years writing a book where the two main characters were bi and ace respectively, came out to a dude as ace by accident at least a year before I came out to myself, read some stuff on the internet that made me think maybe I was ace, read something on Tvtropes that made me go ‘oh I’m not,’ and then found the info page at AVEN that made me go ‘oh, I am.’By then I was in a kind of gushy romantic friend-love with my best friend. I didn’t want her to requite me but I finally rejected the idea that these were somehow not real feelings.

      And I recently realised I actually preferred women via the magic of video games. I thought I didn’t care about the gender of my player character because I always played as a girl, unless there were romance options, when suddenly I would pick being a boy. Of course often there were no gender options and I had to play as a boy, so I never noticed the trend until I was playing Story of Seasons where I could wear beautiful dresses and have a wife, and thought ‘oh, this is really what I’ve always wanted from both video games and life.’

      So now I have to figure out how to find and date ladies who are okay not having sex with me. As this would involve both socialising and uncertainty it’s unlikely to happen, but it sure is fun to think about.

      1. Willow +2

        Oh my god I read that damn Anastasia Krupnik book too. It seemed comforting at the time but I’m convinced it played a large role in me not acknowledging my attraction to other women as “real.” I also came out to my mom at like, eleven, and she told me it was “normal to think other girls are pretty.”

        1. CanuteGoodman

          Yeah, on the one hand I try not to blame Lois Lowry, because without the ‘Don’t worry darling, you’re perfectly normal (and therefore aren’t actually attracted to women)’ there is no way that book would have been published, and it’s still one of the very few pieces of kidslit that even acknowledges girls get crushes on women. But on the other hand I do blame Lois Lowry, because she wrote one of the things that completely invalidated me.

  40. emmysuhweeks +7

    There was a RuPaul’s Drag Race thread a couple Open Threads back, and it made my entire work day better.

    Anyone wanna discuss again?

    SPOILER warning for anyone not caught up:

    – It seems like most people are very severely on one side or the other about Acid Betty going home, but I’m kinda in the middle? I didn’t like watching her stir up drama and fighting, but her looks were always good or at least interesting. She’s been a “fine” performer to me up until now — not great, not bad, just holding her own, but Snatch Game really was tragic.

    -But I’m still a little suprised Naomi sent her home, just because Betty had such power house looks on the runway. I do like Naomi a lot, and I’m glad Robbie Turner told her (in Untucked) to change her silhouettes and looks up before her lingerie and robes get her sent home.

    – Continue to be underwhelmed (not hateful, just underwhelmed) by Robbie and Derrick.

    – Loving Bob, loving Thorgy, hate that there has to be competition/comparison between the two of them, because they’re both great.

    1. evieskye +1

      I’m with you on the shruggie-Betty feelings. And you are spot on for the keep-Naomi-weirdness. I wouldn’t be super-surprised by it Betty came back (yes, I know we already had a return but you never know!)

      1. emmysuhweeks

        Betty wasn’t my fave, but I could have totally seen her being Top 3, or at least Top 5. She definitely had a maturity to her looks that some of the other queens haven’t found yet.

    2. awnutts +6

      I think Naomi is now tied with Derek (and maybe Robbie) as the weakest queen on the show, and I’m a little surprised they didn’t send her home. But her lip sync was fire, and Acid Betty’s was weak, so not super surprised.

      I like Acid Betty in a lot of ways; I LOVED her looks. But I hate how, whenever she was insecure, you just acted like she was better than the show. The first episode, when they posed with former winners, she was like, “Ugh, these queens are stupid.” And then she said that Snatch Game sucked. I just, if you think this show is so dumb, why are you on it?

      I love Bob. I haven’t loved a drag queen as much since Bianca. Bob’s attitude is the direct opposite of Acid Betty’s. She’s like, “I love this show! I love this challenge! This is so fun!” The one time she got too above it all, she knew it and apologized. She’s shady, but in a way that feels fun, not cruel or mean-spirited.

      1. emmysuhweeks +3

        Robbie, to me, should have gone home the first week. THAT DRESS. WAS. HIDEOUS. It was worse than Naysha’s! And while she’s grown on me — she did great in the rock challenge — she’s been consistently weak in any other challenge, including acting!! Again, she’s grown on me in personality, and I like her make-up, but I’m always underwhelmed by her.

        Betty to me just seemed like a toxic personality I would stay away from — again, great looks and maturity in her identity — but she was at least edited to look like she loved stirring up drama and undermining people, and she was only nice in Untucked when she’d gotten a glowing review from the judges, or chill when two other people were fighting and causing drama of their own accord.

        I agree completely on Bob — she too reminds me of Bianca, someone who will have fun and have an attitude but also will totally help someone out (remember when she was giving Laila lip synching tips). She seems really well-rounded which is the best skill to have on this show — other queens seem to really only have their one or two things — make up or sewing, dancing or acting, and Bob pulls out whatever’s needed, whatever time. Even the singing episode where she had a pissy moment with the judge — I felt like she at least handled it well by apologizing and owning up to it.

        1. awnutts +1

          And, like, her attitude, “I don’t understand what you mean, because none of this is stuff I like.” Which is different than those times a queen says something like, “Ummm, this is hard and I’m not a good dancer so I’m just going to stand still and do nothing.”

    3. Kuluvi +4

      Kim Chi continues to be my Bae of the Season <3 In last week’s challenge she KILLED it along with Robbie & Naomi & I was so proud! This week though, what kind of bizzarro hivemind happened that half of them turned up on the runway in that specific Madonna kimono look? That was absurd!

      I was strongly anti-Betty from the start, so I was glad to see her gone. Her Snatch Game was pathetic, & frankly I don’t think her looks were that revolutionary compared to what we’ve seen in the past. Her attitude was the worst, so byeeeeee!

      1. emmysuhweeks +6

        YES, KIM CHI. The thing I love about Kim Chi — I swear, they always edit it to look like she is going to bomb in the challenge, and yet she always finds a way to pull it off, and make it her own, and be cute and quirky and totally herself.

        WHAT WAS WITH THE KIMONOS?!?!?! It’s MADONNA, you had SO SO SOOO many looks to choose from, and that seemed like such an obscure choice. 4 Cone Bras or Wedding Dresses might have been more understandable.

        2. Orla +1

          I may have yelled at my TV and/or stropped on Twitter about that. I was a HUGE Madonna fan as a kid and the kimono was just lazy to me. Oh, Madonna? Well, I have this kimono…..
          Welp, so does every other queen.
          OTOH, mad props to Bob for the GLAAD awards look. Bob’s political and unafraid, another reason to love him.

    4. 30Litresof +5

      She deserved to go home. If you’re going to define yourself as a bitch, you ought to be good at Snatch Game. I think that’s why she went (and it’s tripped up other queens before) – Acid Betty doing badly at Snatch Game is far more disappointing than Naomi doing badly at it.

      Having said that, I’m surprised that Robbie Turner wasn’t in the bottom two with Naomi, and I suspect the decision was made partly because Betty was so unlikeable in a way that doesn’t make good television, so they wanted to send her home. Robbie Turner is just meh, she’s fine.

      1. tragicallyludicrous +2

        Also, I think with Robbie that while the impersonation wasn’t funny, at least it was specific/looked right. This (combined with a great runway) put her over Betty/Naomi, who both looked wrong and weren’t funny.

    5. extrayarn +2

      Not surprised about Naomi. I read TLo religiously and in the past they have pointed out that Ru likes queens that are baby Rus (specifically Tyra Sanchez but it’s come up in other eliminations).

      Acid Betty wasn’t my favorite, personality-wise, but she did have looks. And it always makes me feel ancient when queens about my age are seen as “old” 🙁 stfu 20-year olds, you know nothing.

    6. tragicallyludicrous +2

      I’m not all that into Thorgy, I have to say. The passive-aggressiveness is getting to me. Don’t pretend to be sweet, we know you’re not.

    7. whollyword +3

      I find Betty pretty irritating. There’s a reason she’s last picked for team stuff.

      But I would have sent Derrick home. Again. For the umpteenth week in a row.

      I want Bob and Thorgy and Kimchi to become an avant-garde crime-fighting drag superhero trio after the season is over. But NOT IN KIMONOS.

    8. Orla +1

      I think Acid’s time had just come to a natural end, and I was glad she was professional about it (there were some terrible rumors flying around). If she’d been there last season, she would probably have lasted longer in the competition.

      I clapped along with Robbie pointing out the sameness of Naomi’s looks to her. It’s like Honey Mahogany and her kaftans all over again, except Naomi isn’t really getting called out for it.

      Robbie needs to stop getting trapped in her own head and overthinking everything. More rollerskating & Les Chicken Wings, less bad Diana Vreeland and analysis-paralysis.

      Derrick’s Britney was passable, but everything else has been meh – and she’s so super-defensive and clangingly bad at witty comebacks that I find it hard to root for her at all. I feel like the reading challenge will be an exercise in cringe once Derrick puts the glasses on.

      I am all about Bob, Thorgy, Kim Chi and Chi Chi. They are fabulous, each and every one.

  41. wallsdonotfall +11

    Hey, has anyone had a moving company pack for them? This is my first time doing a) a big move b) that is paid for, and I’m worried I’ll do it wrong somehow. Any advice?

    1. treereenee +19

      buy the movers food and stay out of their way! Although you might want to watch when they’re packing the kitchen so you know they don’t pack a half-full bottle of fish sauce that will explode en-route and soak the contents of the box. COUGH COUGH

      1. wallsdonotfall +7

        Oh, they specifically can’t move open foods, anything in the fridge/freezer, or live plants, which is about a quarter of my possessions.

    2. ayelltee +17

      Yes, for my last move I had a moving/packing company do everything out of necessity (critical medical emergency = NO TIME to organize move). The company was careful and thorough. They took color pictures and taped them outside each box so I had a good general idea of what was actually in each…very helpful when there are nine massive boxes labeled “master bedroom closet” and you’re trying to find swimwear, not winter sweaters. The downside is, unless you have time to sort your stuff, they will pack EVERYTHING: every little half-empty jar in the medicine chest, all those crusty cleaning products gathering dust in the back of the linen closet, the contents of your wastebaskets, EVERYTHING. Also, although you know the general contents of each box, after it’s 90% full the packers fill it with whatever is around to make a full box. So: random fitted sheets might end up with your shoes, and the iron could be in with some books because it fit in.

      1. wallsdonotfall +7

        All right, so: scour the house for anything unnecessary? Thank you! There’s that weekend’s plans. I was thinking of working that day and having my partner oversee things. Do you think it’s fussy enough that two people would be good to have on hand instead?

        1. ayelltee +5

          One person should be fine. They might have a question here and there, but Treereenee’s advice is right: stay out of the way. They have a routine and are much faster if the owner isn’t hovering, asking questions, etc.

    3. aravisthequeen +19

      Several times!

      Advice: pack and take yourself anything irreplaceable (documents, heirlooms, etc.) No matter how good their reputation, it isn’t worth it. Accidents happen. I also pack a selection of my own clothes that I can change into so I’m not running around like an idiot looking for the box with socks. And finally, I always pack my own box of Fuck It Supplies. This is for soap, band aids, paper towels, toilet paper, forks and plates (paper), a shower curtain, and sheets. That way if you have nothing left in the tank, you can locate enough to shower and sleep comfortably and eat something that is not pizza.

      Have lots of water on hand. Snacks if you are generous. Be careful that they will pack everything and you don’t want them to pack trash or a giveaway bag or your empty jar collection destined for recycling. (ALL TRUE.)

    4. Beakses +4

      Yes, it was amazing, especially because change causes my partner anxiety and the process of packing to move is apparently a month of torture for him. Also, like 50% of our belongings is on the kitchen, which is the hardest to pack. Purge well, pack heirlooms yourself, and otherwise marvel at their efficiency and skill.

    5. Linabobeena +1

      Yes, and the only downside is that it spoiled me so much that I have never since been able to make myself go without.

    6. RoseCamelia +4

      It’s best that the packers know they are being watched. The diligent ones will be even more diligent and the lazy liars that ruined my art prints will realize they can’t get away with ruining art.

      Movers like Gatorade. Buy the 12-packs and fill the fridge. Red seems popular.

      Best wishes for an uneventful move.

    7. MyEvilTwin_Twin +1

      Remember to have some cash for tips (like 10 years ago I paid $20 to each guy at each end). Also do a quick check of cabinets and closets before you let them go (I recall they missed a wine glass at my old place). I thought they did a great job. They have tons of bubble wrap and specialty boxes that you probably wouldn’t have on your own, like wardrobe boxes. Save those bad boys for your next move!

  42. Nashirakins +29

    Hnghh I needed this omfg. Monday, I had a whole bunch of painful uterine imaging capped off by an endometrial biopsy (which OW), then got scheduled for a polyp removal two weeks from now. I hadn’t planned to tell my parents, because my mom has spent my entire life minimizing my painful bloody periods and arguing when I mention seeking care for them. I’m already having FEELINGS about having uterine stuff as a nonbinary person, even though my doctors are good about it.

    But this is making me realize I don’t want to see my mom again. Like in brief, my mom is emotionally abusive, withheld necessary medical care, and after 14, randomly reminded me gays are disgusting and she’d disown me if I insisted on being queer. I already don’t talk to her, and I barely talk to my dad because it’s nearly impossible to talk to him and NOT her.

    I just want to curl up in a ball until after my surgery. I know it should be just fine but surgery. Why does mom have to crawl out of the woodwork now?

    1. askelade +16

      I’m so sorry you’re going through this – the physical stuff, and the family stuff.

      I think it’s normal for Mom Stuff, even stuff you thought you’d resolved, to resurface at a time like this. Our bodies are in some ways always connected to the people who cared for those bodies when we were young & helpless. Especially in the case of a (biological? I presume wildly) mother who gestated you! Especially when your physical issue is tied up not only with reproduction (tons of family-of-origin baggage there, unsurprisingly) but with your being non-binary and having your mom’s long history of a) disparaging your gender identity (and sexual identity?) and b) minimizing the physical problems you’ve had with this specific body part.

      Maybe there is a chance here to do some healing with respect to your relationship with your mother. If you have truly realized (and it seems you have!) that it’s best to cut ties with her (maybe for now, maybe forever) then maybe you can do something related to the polyp-removal where you have a little ritual of closing off that relationship?

      *hugs* if you want them. Best of luck moving forward.

    2. Bryn (Plus Others) +10

      I am very sorry to hear about all of this, both the physical stuff and the awful mom stuff. I think it sounds very wise and self-loving not to see her again.

    3. Immunogirl +9

      I don’t know if you need to hear this, but as a person with a Darth Dad I have to remind myself this at least every couple weeks.

      You don’t have to see your mom. You don’t have to put yourself through that. You do not owe her anything and it was wrong what she did to you, she was wrong, and it wasn’t your fault. The good times do not outweigh the bad and you don’t have to feel sorry about not wanting her to be a part of your life.

      My dad is currently the caretaker of my grandmother, and to talk to her I have to go through him, so I generally have to strike a balance. I want to talk to my grandmother more, but I just have to do what I can. Could you email or write letters to your dad, if you want to have a relationship with him? I write to my grandma. My dad always reads the letters and then replies as if they are to him as well, but I just try to ignore that. I also had to shut down a visit last summer when he tried to invite himself to my home, and there were major guilt feels on my part, but I try to squash them.

      I’m sorry about your medical stuff too. I’ll be sending good thoughts!

      1. Nashirakins +7

        I needed to hear this, actually, thank you. I literally this morning asked my partner if I was still a good person if I didn’t want to see her, because I felt like A Failure Child, so um yeah. I’m trying to remember what I would say to literally anyone else with a parent like her, and then say it to myself.

        Darth works way better in movies than in RL. 🙁

        1. caatness +3

          You are NOT a failure child. At all. You are a unique, wonderful person who is allowed to be exactly who you are and need to be. That that happens to be too complicated for her broken world view is not your fault.

          I am sorry you are suffering with medical woes and family drama, but glad you are taking care of yourself.

    4. kateality +4

      I took a break from my mom during my second pregnancy. She has serious mental health issues and our relationship has always been complicated, and the constant waiting-for-the-other-shoe-to-drop on her email rants about how I’m the worst daughter ever (which occurred every couple of months at the time) was almost as bad as the few days of complete misery, panic, time-consuming management that each of those episodes actually entailed. My husband had been gently suggesting for years that I take a step back.

      The handy thing about this all coming to a head while I was pregnant was that I was able to frame the break as something that I needed because the relationship was too much in light of the other things I had going on (full-time job, toddler, pregnancy, elevated blood pressure). That way it wasn’t necessarily a permanent break, and I could take some time to reassess how/if I wanted her in my life.

      Was it easy? No. At first it was awful. She called and emailed constantly, despite my request that she not. I blocked her numbers and email. It culminated in her leaving a voicemail effectively threatening suicide if I didn’t call her back. My brothers confirmed that she had seen her psych but was not being admitted, which she has been before and obviously would be if she was legitimately at risk.

      Then it stopped. And when it stopped, it did so because she had gone to a residential program with cognitive behavioural therapy for a couple of months. She learned a lot – like how to respect boundaries. And when I had the baby, some 5 months after I had told her not to call me, she reached out appropriately through family members to see if I would be open to speaking to her. Our relationship has been much better since.

      I don’t know if choosing the nuclear option was what pushed her to seek different treatment, but it gave me the space that I needed (and it sounds like you need) to focus on myself, my family, and my health.

      Take a break. You need it. She may also need it. Maybe you’ll come back, but maybe you won’t. But giving yourself the time to consider it without her interference is smart self-care.

  43. emmysuhweeks +17

    In personal news, at 23 weeks and let’s see, 2 days, I’m finally getting serious about Baby Girl’s nursery, which has meant a LOT of Etsy searching and ogling and regretting I can’t buy EVERYTHING.

    But I always have money spending guilt! Does anyone else have this? Even when it’s things I really actually need, and I’ve specifically saved money to spend on exactly these things, I feel guilty, or almost as if I need permission from an authority figure to spend significant amounts of money.

    1. rkfire +8

      I have this for anything over, say, $30. I don’t have any advice, but please know that you’re not alone!

    2. Bryn (Plus Others) +7

      Yes, we also have the money spending guilt! It is so annoying. I wish I could finish this off with ‘And this is how we gloriously overcame it’ but sadly we just grit our teeth and plow through.

    3. sweatahweathah +7

      I have this for all the spending! Even though I shop quite a bit… (not excessively, but a lot compared to my parents/grandparents who still sometimes live like they were raised: in a post-depression catholic household with too many kids and no budget for new anything) I still feel guilty about almost everything I buy (despite the fact that I only buy things I can actually afford). Even stuff that is normal, like groceries!

      I’ve been trying to remind myself that, in most cases we EARN money so we can actually buy stuff/have life experiences! I can’t spend my whole life squirreling away every dime, and that spending on big ticket items that I saved and budgeted for is OK.

      If anyone has any more advice than this, I am ALL EARS <3

      1. emmysuhweeks +5

        Yeah, I think mine stems from — at the tail end of college, and just out of college — I was pretty irresponsible with money. Nothing drastic, just typical 22 year old immaturity, spending a little more than I made and overdrafting from time to time.

        I worked REALLY hard to overcome that and become responsible with spending and make myself THINK before I just swiped my card, and try and budget or at least plan my spending and stay on top of it.

        But of course — that’s devolved into my usual control freak, OCD, and paranoid tendencies — so now even though I have savings and watch what I buy and when — I still feel that paranoia and guilt that I’ll Get in Trouble again!!

  44. kaylar_beastie +69

    I got mad at a group of my students today and shouted “can you not?” At them, which resulted in shocked silence so I felt like a winner.

    I’m also thinking of starting a lit journal with my friend this summer that only publishes women and all the art is things we made with paint and our nipples.

    I panicked and applied for a content mill job because I’m worried my summer class might get canceled and then I’ll he officially fucked.

    And yep. Those are my thoughts. Reading Flamethrowers this week and looking forward to that.

    1. awnutts +14

      Ummmmm….I love this.

      (Not the fear of the cancelled class, of course. But everything else is A+)

    2. firstmute +17

      Hello, I hope your summer class is not canceled, but if it IS, do not apply for a content mill job: apply for a job writing educational materials for me! We pay better than a content mill (er, I hope, not actually sure how much a content mill pays).

        1. firstmute +8

          email me! josephine at scholarscup dot org

          I have/ have had several satisfied Toasties in our stable of writers, although I can’t remember their user names at this point 🙂

      2. kaylar_beastie +2

        Apparently all my notifications have been going to my spam folder out of the blue. But I will take you up on that!

    3. allanaaa +6

      Don’t forget vagina paintings, although I imagine that’s been done to death by now.

  45. LeenyRose +16

    Oooh, early open thread!
    I had my first academic conference presentation last weekend! I think it went well!

    Anyone have advice on low FODMAP eating? My spouse is supposed to do it for a few weeks to see if he has any food sensitivities. Favorite recipes to share?

  46. Mamie +6

    OK, I’m pretty lurky here (no account yet!), but I’m hoping you awesome folks might have some advice for me. I’ve just learned about a job opportunity that seems pretty perfect for me. I need to provide three professional references as part of the application packet. My current job is the one with the most relevant experience, so I obviously need to include a reference from there.
    I do not think it will go well to have a frank discussion with my closest supervisor day-to-day in order to be able to put him as a reference. I have another direct supervisor who is very familiar with my work, and I *think* I can trust to keep it confidential, so I could ask her, but there’s a risk that I’ll be then treated as someone with one foot out the door. There is also someone I’ve worked with closely on one ongoing project who I *know* I can trust to keep it confidential, but he is not as familiar with the whole scope of my work.
    Do I use the direct supervisor or the trustworthy manager on the one project? I’m leaning toward the trustworthy manager and adding a note that I will be glad to provide contact information for a direct supervisory reference as the search advances. Any thoughts?

    1. GingerHawk +12

      I think providing the trustworthy contact and adding a note is a good way to go. I recently applied for a job that really, really wanted to contact someone at my current position, which I was pretty nervous about. Following some advice on Ask A Manager, I told them I was happy to provide that contact information and understood the situation, but asked that they only contact that reference if they were planning to make me an offer. They were very understanding, and I would really like to think that any future employer would get that you are not necessarily in a position where telling your current job you’re searching is a safe thing.

      1. Mamie

        Thank you! I am really, really amped about this position, so am currently overthinking every aspect of the application. This helps.

    2. kateality +5

      Employers get that you don’t want to poison the well where you are. Use the trustworthy person and ask that person if they would like some more information about the other things that you do. Most people who are references will ask you if there’s anything they should be highlighting when/if they get a call.

      1. Mamie

        Thanks so much for this! I spoke with the trustworthy person and offered to give him my application packet that I’m submitting plus a draft letter of reference that he will of course edit as he sees fit. This way he should be up to date on the rest of my job.

    3. smoked_salmon +4

      Ask A Manager has lots of advice on this topic, but I think it’s generally well understood when folks don’t want to list their current manager as a reference until late stages.

  47. arrogantemu +11

    The landlord is selling the house that I live in with my five fellow housemates – while we are still living here! Nothing that he doesn’t have a perfect right to do, of course, but people coming tromping through all of our living spaces is stressful, and since I’m the central point of communication with the realtor, I feel vaguely responsible (although I do not intellectually accept the responsibility!) for everyone else in the house being stressed out as well. This also means that sometime before August I will have to find another place to live in NYC, on a freelancer’s income and with a freelancer’s documents. And I am procrastinating some of that freelance work right now by posting here.

    1. Beakses +3

      Are you sure you will have to move? When I was renting in a house that was sold, the new landlord wanted to keep us as tenants (we were moving anyways for other reasons anyways). Which is to say that people tromping through your space is annoying, but sometimes things are okay.

      1. arrogantemu +1

        It’s possible, I’m sure, but nothing we can plan on. :/ Which is the tricky thing about situations like these – not knowing what to prepare oneself for! Months of open houses? Weeks? Will the new owner want to keep us and under what terms? Will they want us out early and if so what can we ask for in return? If we’re finding new places, where and in what groups? As uncertainty goes, this is almost as benign as can be asked for, but it’s still a large pop-up every time I so much as glance at the future, like one of those annoying “UPDATE YOUR SOFTWARE” messages.

  48. annecara +17

    So the last couple of nights my husband has slept on the couch because of insomnia, and he hasn’t wanted to wake me up 1) by tossing and turning or 2) by coming to bed at ~3:30am. (We totally have a guest bed, for the record, even if it doesn’t currently have sheets on it.) This isn’t the first time this has happened; insomnia is a reoccurring problem for him. But I don’t know how to make him understand that I am 100% ok with waking up in the middle of the night to him coming to bed, since I’m already waking up in the middle of the night and being confused because he’s not there. (And yes, I have tried telling him this outright!) Also I feel weirdly guilty because it feels like he’s sleeping on the couch because of me even though rationally I know that he’s sleeping on the couch because he’s choosing to do so? So I don’t know, any commiseration or suggestions would be appreciated.

    1. mariahnotmaria +7

      My boyfriend sleeps on the couch a lot of the time because of me. We both get anxious about not falling asleep quickly. Last night, he tried to come to bed twice and I couldn’t fall asleep and kept asking him to come back later. He spent the whole night on the couch. I feel terrible — we even bought a bigger bed this fall in the hopes that this would stop happening, but it has not 🙁

      1. breccia +5

        Is it motion/movement that wakes you? If so I recommend a foam mattress — it’s literally saved me. He can toss and turn and get up and come back and if he’s quiet enough, I don’t even wake.

        1. MopRocks +4

          Seconded, or build a pillow buffer down the center of the bed to dissipate disturbances. Show him your construction and tell him it will be fiiiiiiine.

        2. mariahnotmaria +3

          We had a foam mattress topper before and he HATED it. It made him too hot, but I loved it because it was squishy. We got a firm mattress this time around (due to his insistence) and I can feel every movement. And yes, it is the movement…and his snores starting that wake me up. UGH.

          1. breccia +3

            There are definitely foam mattresses specifically made to not get hot! I know you just bought a mattress but if your guest room needs an update maybe you could swap it there…? 🙂

            I have a cheapo foam mattress from walmart.com (it was under $200 for a queen w/ free shipping BUT it’s not ACTUALLY queen sized; it’s off by a few inches on each side… also it’s probably a blight upon the environment,) but I’ve heard good things about Casper.

          2. breccia +3

            http://www.walmart.com/ip/Classic-Brands-6-Gel-Me…

            I mean Dang! A queen is only $189! I’m tempted to buy one as a housewarming present for my boyfriend’s place…

          3. mariahnotmaria +2

            Ahh ahhh I will keep that in mind! Right now our guest room is our dining room but maybe when we upgrade. Thanks!

          4. HelloChel +3

            I have a foam mattress and bought a gel foam topper to keep the heat down. I think I ordered it on Amazon or Overstock a year ago. It seems to work pretty well. Don’t think it will help with snoring, though.

    2. askelade +12

      I am also married to a light sleeper and recently when I was sick I banished myself to the couch to preserve her sleep. She told me a couple times I didn’t need to do that, but I was really sure it was what was best for me. Of course I knew my illness would go away after a few days (and it did).

      My only suggestion is that you ask him what he gets out of not sharing a bed with you. I feel like no matter what happens here you BOTH are going to gain something and lose something, and it’s going to be a delicate calculation to figure out which option causes each/both of you to lose LEAST.

      Also, tons of commisseration. I feel like not enough attention is paid to sleeping issues in cohabitating long-term couples!

      1. annecara +6

        Thanks! I will definitely try asking that. I’d also feel a lot less guilty if he used the guest bed instead, because finding him in the morning curled up under a tiny fleece throw blanket makes me sad.

    3. dakimel +12

      Is he finding the sofa an easier place to sleep because he can drift off to watching TV or watch it glassily in the awake hours? Is the structure of the sofa making it easier for him to stop tossing/turning, because there is less room on it? Is there a white-noise ceiling fan that helps him in the living room but not one in your bedroom?

      Ask him what about sleeping there (unrelated to you) is working for him, and if there are things y’all can do to copy those elements to your joint bed.

      Or, hey, tell him you really like sex at 3:30 so you want him to wake you up then.

      1. annecara +8

        I’ll ask! But I will definitely not be encouraging 3am sex, because I can say from experience that I am always miserable and exhausted the next morning.

    4. fcjaugusta +13

      Is it possible that he feels like the fear of waking you up, whether or not it’s founded, contributes to his insomnia, so it’s easier FOR HIM to sleep on the couch?

      1. mmsees +5

        Yeah, seconding this possibility. When my boyfriend is having trouble sleeping he sometimes moves to the couch (or even sometimes takes some blankets and pillows on the floor). If he is having trouble falling asleep, he really doesn’t like just staying in bed staring at the ceiling so it’s easier for him to move (he still moves on nights I’m not there).

      2. Beakses +6

        Yep, that’s why I leave to sleep other places- I can wallow in my discomfort without worrying about disturbing my bed partner.

    5. Immunogirl +8

      I am the light sleeper in my relationship, and I want to second that it might be more about him than about you. If I can’t get to sleep, I would honestly rather go elsewhere and try to sleep there, because the added stress of trying not to wake someone up just keeps me awake longer.

    6. RoseCamelia +2

      Maybe he sleeps better on the couch? I do. When allergies are pestering me. Propping up my entire upper body on pillows over the arm of the sofa helps me breathe easier and allows me to sleep. Maybe he’s a side-sleeper and the extra support of the back of the sofa is helpful.

  49. jaeferous +44

    I’m fostering a cutie of a cat and I’m falling in love with her, even though I really shouldn’t adopt another cat right now (we already have four!). Anyone in NYC interested? She’s spayed, has her shots, and shy.

  50. treereenee +43

    just rocked my job interview! feeling pretty good, gonna go have lunch. Good day toasties!

    1. Frumiosa +12

      So, my 87-year-old grandmother, family matriarch and take-no-shit lady, has unfortunately begun to decline, physically. She has fallen four times in the past year. Last week, she fell and actually broke her neck, which was incredibly scary — she would have died if my parents hadn’t been there at the time. She’s going to be okay, thank God, but it’s going to be a long and arduous road ahead. This is all complicated – caused, actually – by the fact that she recently decided she hated the continuum-of-care facility she was living in, and bought her own independent apartment and moved out. Her fall happened on moving day itself, actually. So she went from being in a place with security, medical on-call, attentive neighbors, and a dining room, to just being on her own, and now she’s going to be 1000% more dependent on others, but she’s still insisting that when she gets better, she’s going right back to her apartment. She doesn’t seem to get, or doesn’t want to see, that her choices are affecting others. My parents live near her and have had to take off lots of work time to care for her in the past year, with adverse effects on their jobs. My aunt and uncle live out of town, and come in when they can but also have demanding jobs. I myself live several states away and would give anything to be able to help out, but I have a full-time job, two small kids, and oh yeah, due with baby #3 any day now. So the bulk of my grandmother’s care is falling on my parents, who wanted to do things like be able to retire within the year, come visit their grandkids sometime, have lives. The solution seems to be hiring a home healthcare aid for my grandmother or finding another facility for her to live in, but she is, for now, opposed to both options as an invasion of her privacy and independence. My parents and aunt and uncle have tried to reason with my grandmother, but so far to no avail. She insists that when she gets out of the hospital and rehab, she’ll be fine. It’s getting absurd, and no one is willing to just confront my grandmother with the reality of the situation. I would get on the phone and do it, but as her granddaughter I’ve been told it’s not my place and she wouldn’t listen anyway, but just get more defensive. We’re all scared to death that she’ll go back to living on her own and something bad will happen. My parents were planning to spend a significant part of the summer visiting us (they’re both teachers and have the summer off), but now feel like they can’t ever leave town. They don’t even know if they can come visit us after the baby is born in the next few weeks. This isn’t helped by the fact that my aunt and uncle feel guilty about not being there and are therefore calling my parents daily to micromanage the entire process. It’s just an awful shitshow and no one knows how to get through to my grandmother.

      ETA: Sorry this was so long. Thanks for listening.

      1. JGlows +20

        Does the facility she is in have a social worker or patient advocate? If there is, your parents may want to just talk with her about their feelings and fears. At the same time, the social worker and doctors really need to discuss with your grandma her prognosis and what is actually going g to be possible, while ensuring that her fears and concerns are heard and understood. I understand she must be terrified about her own future, but your parents have a right to have their own lives, and she need to understand that she is very dependent on them and they need a break as caregivers.

        I sincerely hope for the best for your family. This is so so common these days, you are not alone.

      2. aqueousmedium +13

        I am so sorry, that sounds like an absolute disaster waiting to happen, and it’s so unfair that so much work is falling on your family because of your grandmother’s choices. The balance between respecting an elder’s need for independence and coping realistically with their decline is super tough, and I wish you all the strength to deal with it. Can you get input from her health care professionals on what level of ability she’ll have as she recuperates, and would she be willing to listen to their recommendations?

      3. askelade +21

        Oh, this is so painful to read. When I was an RN I had about 1200 patients just like your grandmother – super independent even when that living independently was downright unsafe for them. And in my own family, my FIL has just had a similar experience.

        My only advice would be to find someone on the hospital team – a physician, a resident, a nurse, a social worker, a physical therapist, ANYONE – with whom she has a really good rapport, and who can actually take the time to do this. They should sit down with her and really talk through what her life is going to be like after discharge, what it’s really like for her to do ADLs (activities of daily living), what the prognosis would be with a repeat fall and/or repeat fracture. For someone who’s really independent, I have always found that it helps greatly to approach the conversation with a strong vein of “I really respect that your independence is important to you – I would feel the same way – and it’s hard to accept help from others. I don’t want to make you do anything that you don’t want to do. I just want to work out what is going to be the best for you going forward, and I want to make sure we come up with a plan that actually makes you happy.”

        Ultimately if she’s competent to make her own decisions, she has the right and responsibility to make them, even if everyone else in her life disagrees. But at least everyone will know that she made these choices knowingly and not out of ignorance of the consequences, and not out of spite.

        *hugs* if you want them.

        1. blueblazes11 +18

          Our hospital has an ethicist whose whole job is pretty much this conversation (either having it with the patient himself or facilitating it with the family). He is one of the kindest people I have ever met.

          1. mittenstheboar +9

            that…sounds amazing. Do you know how he got that job? What’s his background?

      4. chiaroscuromom +5

        Oh my goodness. I am so, so sorry that you and your family are having to deal with all this. Hugs if you want ’em.

      5. dorianneemmerton +5

        I’m so sorry. My Grandmother adamantly lived on her own way past the point where she should’ve as well. After her 2nd stroke her doctor told her that if she had another stroke she was going into care and that was final, and that’s what happened. After her 3rd stroke he did whatever it is – declared her unfit – and she went into care in a city near my parents. Of course strokes actually affect your brain functioning so I think that’s an easier unfit-call to make than the physical stuff it sounds like your grandmother has. Also, we’re in Canada so the laws are probably different. Here’s hoping someone can talk sense into her soon!

      6. Alli525 +8

        That sucks – I’m really sorry. There is some great advice in the comments above mine, but have your parents considered… just… not helping? Just for a couple days, I mean – but not dropping everything at a moment’s notice if she needs something? I can’t imagine doing that to your own mother, but if your grandmother’s so convinced that she can do it all on her own, it sounds like that could partially be because your parents do come when she asks them to, and she doesn’t realize how much agency she currently lacks.

        But mostly just jedi hugs and well-wishes for you and yours.

      7. caatness +11

        I just went through about fifteen years of this with my grandmother. It sucks. It’s the worst. Lay down the law and make some boundaries Right The Hell Now or no one will have a life of their own until she dies, at which time they will be wracked with as much resentment and anger as grief.

      8. Scared_Vagina +3

        This almost exact situation happened with my great aunt before Christmas. She eventually was hospitalised so many times that even living in her apartment with daily nurse care wasn’t enough and we were too worried about her. She relented and allowed m mum to bring her to a nursing home really near my parents’ place, but since she moved in there and recovered a bit, she’s been talking about how she hates it there and wants to go back to her apartment.

        It’s really upsetting for my mum because she will just worry (as will everyone else who loves my great aunt) if she is alone in her apartment because to be honest if she falls again she could hurt herself so badly she never comes out of hospital. I think my mum feels like she’s not respecting her wishes although she is acting in the interest of her safety, which is really conflicting. The last time I was there she was getting crabby with my mum and I got protective and sort of said something a bit strident to her. She doesn’t have her own kids and I am her favourite of the grandkids, so I sort of hoped it hit home. (ETA: my mum is a social worker and is fantastic at putting on her Professional Pants when dealing with this, but doesn’t want to as her aunt’s next of kin)

        The added bonus of awful is that she has dementia so I think she has a false memory of what it was like in her flat (i.e. the last 6 months she couldn’t go outside and needed constant care) – she thinks she had her independence and could come and go and it was all grand, and we have to remind her of her own frailty.

        ANYWAY this was equally long and has no solutions but basically I am commiserating because old people, what can you do with them?

      9. annacardea +2

        Not sure I have a ton of advice to offer, but I know where you’re coming from. My father’s parents are in their mid-90s and feisty. They finally moved into an assisted living place a couple of years ago and they like it now. But it was a rough bunch of years for my Dad and his siblings before that. It finally took my grandmother having a small stroke — while she was in a rehab center for a prior stroke and my grandfather was in that same rehab center because he’d fallen down the stairs a week prior to that — for them to finally listen to my Dad and move into that place. He and one of his sisters mostly managed them during that time and I watched from another state. It was rough.

        They were adults with no mental impairments and so technically capable of making their own decisions, even when those decisions were clearly not in the best interests of their health to those of us looking on. We used to joke that if my grandfather died while he was out mowing his lawn or shoveling his driveway, something that was a real possibility, at least he would have died happy.

        I think getting advice from a hospital social worker or elder care specialist is an excellent idea. Your grandmother’s local senior center may have resources your parents can investigate. I also agree with encouraging your parents to set stricter boundaries with your grandmother. It’s a tough thing, but they also need to take care of themselves. If they get sick or lose their jobs, that doesn’t help anyone. Good luck. My grandparents are amazing people but they can also be absolutely infuriating.

      10. Heathered +3

        Wow, sorry to hear you’re dealing with this. I can’t add much to the good advice already here, but if you’re able to persuade your grandmother that bringing in a caregiver is for the best, being sure that person knows how involved the family has been (and being around a bit at first) can go a long way toward being sure you’ve got the right person and letting them know that they’re expected to do a good job for someone who has people in her corner. Best of luck, this is like a Choose Your Own Adventure where almost every conclusion is painful, but I hope you can find a peaceful way through.

      11. Momthra +3

        Heyyyyyy… there are enough details to make clear that you aren’t in my family, but man is this close to home. I don’t know if it makes sense to you but over here, we’ve decided that if you make it to 89, you should be able to do all kinds of stuff: start smoking cigarettes, get a motorcycle, join a gang, whatever. And if the dangerous thing you want to do is to live alone – go for it. I concede that it’s potentially very unhealthy to develop this level of detachment but it’s the only thing that’s made it possible for each of us to sleep at night.

    3. gcf +5

      There is a book called Being Mortal which addresses parts of this. I haven’t read it yet but it was recommended to me based on my similar experience with a family member’s opiate addiction + age + broken back situation.

      1. Dangerfield5 +2

        I was coming here to recommend exactly this book. I read it when my grandfather’s health took a similar very precarious turn and it was a very hard read but so worthwhile. It’s a super hard situation to go through, and I can relate to how frustrating the old people magical thinking of “Everything will be just fine!” is.

  52. FitzEmpress +23

    Good news: I can apparently write cover letters well enough that my advisor thinks I can be a good GA-ship candidate for Fall! Hurray academic employment and MONEY.

    Bad news: I may have made one of my professors hate me by jumping the gun when she did not post captions for a unit (not explaining that the lecture notes were unneccessary SINCE ALL WE DO IS DISCUSS HER LECTURE NOTES). I ran to Students w Disabilities, she got a reprimand, now she hates me, hurrah. (And said it was my fault that I did not continuously remind her I was deaf as she is grieving.)

    Medium news: I can’t sleep anymore!

    1. awnutts +31

      If your professor hates you for requiring her to actually make her class accessible, then wah-wah, bathe in those tears. Giving her students equal access to all material–even supplemental material–is literally her job.

      Look, I have sympathy for anyone who is grieving, but it isn’t your job to take care of her or remind her to do her job. She’s your authority figure, not the other way around. If she needs additional help to balance her work during a difficult personal time, than she can turn the administration and her department, not as you to forgive her for fucking with your education.

      You are clearly bright and brilliant and getting it done and YAY!

      1. FitzEmpress +19

        She actually said to disability services that the whole situation was MY fault since I was not, like, sneaking into her apartment or whatever to write notes on the mirror since term started. And then my…case worker? advocate lady? was like “noo, we told you this was happening well before term, you should have kept up” and Prof Lady bit my head off.

        The sad thing is, she’s disabled too. I wanted SO badly to work with her to discuss ableism in libraries–she’s the reason I applied to the school–and now I’m like, well, at least I like folksonomy a lot and am on good terms with THAT prof…

    2. spring chickens +9

      oh my goodness, your professor is disabled and grieving! And as a professor, she almost certainly didn’t get any time off when the death happened. I am not defending her forgetting to put captions on her slides so that you have access to the material — clearly she needs to do that, and promptly, and preferably without any reminding — but don’t you think you might have approached her first, rather than going directly to disability services?

      She can get fired for not responding to disability requirements, and pretty fast, too — it’s not just a reprimand situation. This sort of reprimand puts her in a dangerous position at her job. The job market is very very tight for academics right now — there are not a lot of other jobs to get, especially with a for-cause dismissal, and certainly not in the same geographic location. It’s the kind of thing a career can be ruined over. I understand your frustration, but I don’t think you or the other commenter below quite understand how, in this particular context, you went from 0-100 on a scale of responses to this situation!

      1. awnutts +14

        Being a professor is HARD. My dad has just about the best, most supportive university ever–not to mention tenure–and he still works his ass off. (just a couple more years, dad! retirement is so close!) I could go on a long rant about hiring problems in academics, but I will not because you didn’t sign on for that.

        I disagree, though, that FitzEmpress was out of line. Doesn’t disability services exist in order to advocate for students in these situations? The professor has power over FtizEmpress, not the other way around. If she had said something like, “Hey, I’m sorry I forgot. Next time, just come to me and I’ll fix it right away.” I’d think that was totally reasonable. But instead she blamed FitzEmpress for her mistake; which just indicates that she has difficulty being confronted with her mistakes.

        1. spring chickens +7

          Rules about accommodating disability have gotten very strict, especially in the last 5 years — it’s a fireable offense. So yes, FitzEmpress definitely has the power in this situation, much more so than she realized in the moment, I’m sure.

          1. awnutts +17

            Well, strictly speaking, no student has the power when a professor is concerned. That’s why disability advocacy has developed. A professor has a lot of power–not just in grading, but in making sure a student is getting a full education. A professor might single out a student by not encouraging further study or mentoring because they resent a student, for example. And if that isn’t reflected in grading and the professor is cordial, a student has no recourse.

            Do I think this professor deserves to be fired for a mistake? Of course not! That would be absurd! But the fault then would lie with the system, not the student. The right course of action is to accept that, yes, it is a professor’s responsibility to make all their material accessible. If she were fired, it would be because she didn’t do the job expected of her. (That would be a disastrous move on the university’s part–one oversight is not worth termination of a good professor.) The cause of this reprimand and/or her hypothetical termination is her mistake, not FitzEmpress’ advocating for her own education.

            After her reaction (“It’s your fault! You are supposed to remind me to caption things and now I’ve been reprimanded!”) doesn’t indicate to me that she’s a person who is reasonable about responding to student needs in the first place.

          2. spring chickens +5

            I do get that it feels to students like they have no power and professors do, but it’s just not how things play out behind the scenes, especially for issues that have big legal consequences, like disability accommodation. Students have quite a bit of power in these situations (which is not a bad thing). University rules enforced by university legal teams are very strict.

            That’s why it is better to frame these things as a conversation (“can we make this work better? and in what time frame”) rather than as an official complaint, which is what FitzEmpress did when she went to the Disability Office, as I understand it. (Am I wrong??). Making a complaint is the big guns — and it does pretty much ensure the professor won’t want to work with her in the future — and the department won’t want them to work together either. It takes it out of an educational realm and into a legal one.

            (And it can have really harsh consequences for the professor – such as firing – that is indeed the system, and that’s why it is better not to rush into punitiveness over mistakes unless it is really called for).

          3. dameacademyalumna +2

            That was reaction to FitzEmpress going to disability, so in the context of what hellebore_ is saying here it sounds more like she’s saying FE could have just sent her a quick reminder instead of going all the way to Disability Services.

            My stance is somewhere between yours and hellebore_’s so I’m not piling up on you or FE.

          4. awnutts +6

            I’m not saying that going to the prof is a bad idea.

            I just don’t think the consequences are the fault of FE. That’s the crux of the situation for me. It’s not fair to blame someone for advocating for their disability. If the prof knew this was a need of her student going into the semester, any consequences she faces are the fault of 1–her own forgetfulness or 2–an overly punitive system.

            The point of Disability Services, as I understand them, is that some students have difficulty advocating for themselves to an authority figure, so they need an advocate to help them out. When that system just becomes “If we have to talk to you about this twice, you’re fired” I totally agree it’s outrageous. But again, it’s not the fault of the student, but the system. 

            (I mean, the system is set up in many institutions to screw over professors. So many are “students” and adjuncts who don’t get healthcare or benefits or job security. I disagree that, because profs are getting screwed they don’t wield a TON of power and authority over their students. It’s a very unbalanced relationship. Which, in a healthy situation is good; like a parental relationship, a power differential can help the person without power grow. In an unhealthy situation it’s……unhealthy.)

      2. FitzEmpress +21

        No, I approached her first, and she blew me off on finding captions in favor of asking everyone in the class to help with someone else’s assignment. At that point, after I’d ran around calling PBS and the library and the New York Public Library to find a captioned version of the documentary, I went to Disability Services because I was panicked that I was missing out.

        1. Abracadanielle +10

          GAH! That’s bullshit and I’m so glad you have disability services folks who can bring some smackdown on this professor. Making a student hunt for an accessible version of course content is 100% illegal (see Harvard and MIT’s current lawsuits), and she absolutely deserved to be reprimanded.

          (yes, the academic job market is rough, but as someone who works with faculty in educational media I have no sympathy for those who don’t take accessibility seriously – it’s their job because it’s the law)

          1. spring chickens +3

            Oh, that’s not what I was saying (if your comment refers to mine). I’m just saying, better to discuss first than go straight to complaints.

            The professor is disabled herself, so it’s not likely that she doesn’t take concerns of the disabled seriously. And you’re right, it’s 100% illegal not to do so, so she would also be in deep shit in legal terms for this as all faculty know. She made a mistake in not responding to FitzEmpress fast enough (while apparently bereaved! yikes), and FitzEmpress went straight to the complaint. I’m suggesting there is a more productive & kind & useful way to have addressed the situation.

          2. Abracadanielle +7

            I see what you’re saying, but going to Disability Services isn’t going “straight to complaints” or “from 0-100” – they’re the office who oversees implementing ADA accommodations on campus, and it’s not on students to negotiate accommodations with each of their professors.

            It’s a shame this professor has to manage a class while bereaved, but that isn’t an excuse for her ignoring this and then blaming the student. I can’t speak to her school in particular, but as FitzEmpress mentioned earlier, an official ADA accommodation request is put through well before a class starts. This isn’t something that sprung up in the middle of an unexpected crisis.
            And the response to faculty feeling pressured by harsh penalties for neglecting accessibility issues isn’t to ask students with disabilities not to advocate for their right to fully participate in the class.

          3. Abracadanielle +4

            For example, at my Large State University our Disability Services does transcription and captioning, works with the Library to purchase accessible media, and negotiates with publishers for work-arounds to locked technologies when we need to add something for screen-readers, etc. There’s a lot they do for faculty, who only get in trouble when they take the attitude of “that’s not my job” and don’t work with them.

          4. secondursula +3

            Yes! This! Some wonderful, gems of professors even reach out to Disability Services on their own accord to talk about strategies for making their classroom more accessible preemptively. Disability Services, ditto offices for campus climate and gender, should be seen and used as a resource for everyone.

          5. Ethylbenzene +8

            And not for nothing but the whole entire reason those harsh penalties exist is because in all honesty, those accommodations wouldn’t be provided otherwise. The laws aren’t unfair. Ableism is unfair.

          7. Abracadanielle +7

            If her disability is preventing her from making her class accessible, then her employer needs to accommodate that. It’s not her students’ responsibility.

          8. spring chickens +3

            Yes, I’ve fielded a million of these accommodation requests myself (and personally, unlike this lady, I fulfill them to the letter, precisely because they are so important and have such major consequences), so I’m well aware of the process and of how students hand them in at the start of the semester, etc. etc.

            This professor screwed up implementation of the accommodation. She made a mistake. What I object to is this zero tolerance of mistakes or even delays. By all means, have a conversation about it, include the Disability Services people in a conversation. But that isn’t what FitzEmpress did — she made a complaint.

            Obviously screwing up is bad and needs to be addressed and fixed. But the answer is not a formal complaint. That is going from 0-100. A formal complaint is not a slap on the wrist and it’s not a warning — it has big consequences, much bigger than this situation. It’s not good judgment and it won’t resolve the situation in anyone’s best interest. I also don’t get how you would treat someone you respect and want to work with in that way, over what is a delay in doing one week’s worth of work in their course — when they are bereaved — unless you just don’t realize what an aggressive way of addressing the situation it is. Hence my comment.

          9. Abracadanielle +8

            If a school chooses to reprimand a professor for neglecting an accommodation request, that might be shortsighted, unfair, and an issue for her union (if she has one). It should mean that her department works with her to make sure she understands her responsibilities and has the resources she needs. But whatever they do, it’s in no way the fault of her student who needs accessible content and went to the office that oversees ADA implementation to get it.

            I think you and I are both coming to this conversation with strong feelings about ADA in higher ed, and I just can’t see how a student using the campus resources that are meant to support her in the classroom is “aggressive” or otherwise inappropriate.

          10. spring chickens +3

            I don’t have strong feelings about ADA, don’t know why you’d think that.

            It’s more about practicality & judgment versus rigidity for me. I do disagree with taking someone’s mistake and making it a formal complaint situation — especially someone who is also disabled and recently bereaved. It bespeaks a student who doesn’t understand what’s at stake in the actions they’re taking (which makes sense — students don’t experience the university as a workplace in quite the same way, even grad students – it’s not parallel). The mistake was not getting a video captioned, once. That should be fixed, for sure, and ideally shouldn’t have happened in the first place, but it is not a reason for formal complaints.

            Similarly (but with much less larger life-consequence), if a student hands in a paper late, I ask them what happened, and I might take a half-grade off the paper if the excuse is not one accepted by university policy, but I don’t give them a zero for the entire course, or for their university career.

          11. secondursula +3

            Agreed, it’s exactly 100% the way the system was designed to function. It’s supposed to protect students from having to self-advocate because they do not have the tools that offices of Disability Services, like the power to offer assistance (for example, our DS office will offer proctors for instances when a student is entitled to extra time in testing situations; some professors understandably do not want to watch a student take a test for 4 additional hours, so luckily there’s an office with support staff for that!) and they also have a power to push action that a student just doesn’t have.

          12. dameacademyalumna +7

            I’m nodding along with some of the stuff you’re saying but this: “the professor is disabled herself, so it’s not likely that she doesn’t take concerns of the disabled seriously.”

            This is not necessarily true, especially if they’re different disabilities.

          13. spring chickens +2

            Oh, sure, you’re right. That’s certainly possible.

            I was just responding to the idea from some commenters that the professor must not believe in the ADA or take it seriously.

            This is a weird conversation to have, since I am basically defending someone who screwed up. And I think it’s hard for people to hear that and not think, “oh, she’s saying the screw-up doesn’t matter.” But that’s not it — I’m not. It’s just — how do you handle said situation given it has a broader context (which includes not just recent bereavement, but also the poster wanting to keep working with this person).

        2. spring chickens +3

          Well, that is certainly bad of her. But she sounds overwhelmed, not unappreciative of your situation. Maybe Disability Offices could *help* her get resources to make the captioning happen, especially since she’s disabled too, instead of this becoming a complaint?

          1. Ethylbenzene +11

            Why are you so certain this is some kind of unfair “complaint” situation that is going to lead to the professor being fired? I’m reading the same info you are and to me, it looks like a professor that dropped the ball, who does, yes I’m sorry have the power here (there are infinite ways a popular and powerful professor can make a student’s life miserable without crossing any kind of conduct line, go on, ask me how I know), and who had ample notice about the accommodations needed and did not provide them.

            I get that your personal experience and maybe some personal feelings about this are coming into play, but I think that’s getting in the way of seeing the student’s perspective here.

          2. spring chickens +2

            I think you answered your own question — we read what she described pretty differently.

          3. FitzEmpress +7

            I know it sounds callous of me to do this! Believe me, I’ve already agonized about the situation for weeks! I did not expect a reprimand to occur, and was aware that she was grieving, but I thought that I was not supposed to constantly send messages reminding her that I’m in need of accommodations X, Y, and Z, and that YouTube captions don’t count. Especially after I kept her updated wrt the caption search and she was like “oh a transcript would be nice for YOU, FITZ EMPRESS, to post for everyone else.”

            And I don’t see why it is unfair of me to expect that she send video materials to OSD to be captioned when it was explicitly mentioned to her numerous times that it was required of her to do this.

          4. secondursula +6

            It’s not unfair. I think you did exactly the right thing in exactly the right sequence. Her response to you is callous and frankly infuriating.

            You have as much right as any other student on campus to have access to course materials you can use to complete your course of study, and you are under no obligation to be your professor’s helpmeet in finding, posting or remembering to post those materials. That is literally why OSDs exist.

            But I will stop typing, because I’m tempted to start using capslock, and well that’s probably the time to get off the internet, but tiny last point: you are not to blame and you are not in the wrong here.

          5. spring chickens +3

            Your expectation is not unfair. That’s totally legit. She should be doing those things for you, or the office of disabilities should, and I would think that she would agree, too.

            People make mistakes and then it becomes a judgment call how to handle it, and whether zero tolerance/no delays is the way to go. Your first post sounded a little glib/harsh. Here I can see you’re not, and maybe your first post also condensed the time period for all this taking place.

            It also just sounded like you weren’t navigating the system in the way that would have the best outcome for you, as well as for her — a bit of cutting off one’s nose despite one’s face. The ideal situation is probably to get the Disability Office to work with both of you in offering assistance, instead of it becoming an antagonistic situation. That is, of course, a reframing that the disabilities officer and the teacher are also responsible for, not just you. But in the future if you reframe things that way in situations, it will be a huge benefit in the long run.

            I know, it’s hard when people are imperfect and they fail us. But we are imperfect too. The best relationships I’ve been in have come after a crisis like this when people work through the problem instead of shutting down and going punitive. Maybe that’s still possible for you & this person if you still want to work with her — I think it could be.

          6. FitzEmpress +3

            I had no idea that it would turn that quickly into a reprimand! I thought they would just rap her on the metaphorical knuckles and provide more contact about captioning/ideas for alternative assignments. I was horrified when I found out she had gotten a reprimand and sent an apology message, and she came back and blamed me again for the whole situation.

            So I don’t think this potential research can be saved, because I fucked up and she’s gone from “FitzEmpress, great analysis” to the cut direct when she reviews my assignments.

          8. FitzEmpress +1

            And by “cut direct” I mean she just…acknowledges that I posted something and doesn’t provide constructive criticism (“you forgot to mention the XYZ” or “you had an interesting take on ABC,”). And then she is talking extensively, with glowing reviews and mentioning people’s names, in the other comments. Maybe I’m just being weird.

          9. secondursula +5

            Not being weird at all. It’s sadly pretty common. I’ve seen it happen with professors who have made passes and been rejected. I’ve seen it when students develop relationships with leads in rival labs. I’ve seen it result from honestly the pettiest shit, and there’s nothing you can do to avoid it. No amount of soothing, no amount of placing the blame on yourself, no amount of trying not to rock the boat. Do reach out to your resources if this professor continues this behavior, but don’t think it’s your fault or responsibility for one hot second.

          10. Abracadanielle +5

            You didn’t fuck up, and if this is how she’s choosing to handle her job I think you’re better off working with other professors.

          11. secondursula +5

            🙌

            Yes. The student/teacher relationship requires a lot of mutual respect and trust, and this is not a person I would trust or respect given her current pattern of action.

          12. spring chickens +3

            Oh, I’m so sorry she wasn’t a bigger person about it. I genuinely expected otherwise — that is not professional (or even very smart of her).

            It may be small comfort now, but at least you will be better prepared for handling complicated situations like these in the future.

          13. secondursula +7

            Okay, so I said I was going to like drink a camomile tea and calm down about this, but I have drunk my tea and come back even more angry than before at this professor’s behavior: it’s inexcusable.

            When professors treat perfectly reasonable requests (and in this case, requirements) with contempt and resentment, it creates a hostile atmosphere and sends a message to the student that “you do not belong here” and that is wrong. Wrong in a way that has consequences for the whole campus environment.

            It is wrong that she has sent the implicit message that providing captioned material is a burden and it is unforgivable that she has been punishing you for following up and seeking the materials through the channels that the university has provided for exactly these circumstances.

            I strongly believe that universities should be a gateway for everyone and all students should be welcomed, but that is honestly just not the case yet for so many reasons. I’m so sorry that you are having to deal with this particular professor who is being completely unprofessional. It’s not your fault in any way. Nor should it be your concern what steps are taken after you contact the ODS; they advocate across campus on these issues, and if their system, which clearly contains ‘reach out to us and we’ll help you provide accessible materials’ carrots, also contains ‘you failed to adhere to the legally mandated requirements of your job in a reasonable time frame’ sticks, well that’s honestly a) a good thing because that’s what it takes to create institutional change sometimes and b) not your problem whatsoever.

            If this professor continues to behave in an unprofessional manner and/or persecutes you for taking this step in ways that are documentable (unfortunately, a lot of professors who have received warnings or disciplinary actions will be vengeful in ways that are very hard to pin down) I would suggest bringing up that behavior with your advisor, your contact person at the ODS, or a student ombuds who can help you deal with that situation in a theoretical way that doesn’t even have to include naming names, if that makes you uncomfortable going forward. Grad students in particular need to get certain things, such as networking opportunities and recommendations for internships, which it sounds like your advisor is already happy to provide, so I would recommend you focus on building relationships with professors in your department who have proven themselves to be supportive and interested in your success. If you continue to have problems with this professor being negligent and poisoning the well of this student/teacher relationship, which to be clear her actions and responses have been doing, not your 100% reasonable requests, follow-up and complaint, those connections will be helpful to you.

        3. secondursula +8

          I worked for several years in university administration, and I can say from my perspective, you did exactly the right thing in the right sequence. So many departments have grown up on campuses to protect students in just these circumstances. Students shouldn’t have to self advocate with the people who hold the strings of grades & thesis supervision, etc.

          So many abuses can happen and the university community at large is powerless if they aren’t reported. As an administrative bystander who worked with a lot of undergraduates, I often encouraged them to take their (real, legitimate, troubling) issues with sexual harassment or casual racism or unwillingness to provide legally-mandated accommodation for disabilities to either our campus climate office or the university ombuds or anyone who could help. It’s what those offices are for and in those offices, they are dying to make the university experience more accessible to everyone. But I can also see where there’s a lot of pressure on students not to report these instances, from other peers or the professors themselves.

          Honestly, though, count me in as someone who would like to see university campuses be more inclusive (my campus had a huge problem with sexual harassment and it kept me up at night thinking about all the students who were trying to navigate those issues by themselves) for everyone. And all university staff, including professors who are also human and have extenuating circumstances, should be responsible for making that happen, which includes being held accountable when they mess up. Holding them accountable is in fact part of the process of shaping the system.

          So from the third wheel, admin side: thank you for reporting! You’re helping make a better institution.

    3. secondursula +7

      Oh whoops! I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings about this still, but I do, so one more tiny reply:

      It’s not the job of the victim to think about the consequences for the person who fails to uphold their end of the (legally mandated) bargain. It’s the job of administrators to make those consequences clear to the responsible party, which is the professor, not the student. And then to make sure that the consequences are sufficiently explicit and reasonable, such that when an incident happens and it is resolved, everyone is satisfied that there has been a just and reasonable response. So that more students will feel comfortable coming forward with grievances, should they need to. To make a safer campus.

      Students have zero responsibility for the career paths of their professors. Will a reprimand look bad in her tenure case file, if she doesn’t already have tenure? Maybe. But only if her tenure committee cares about ADA enforcement and campus climate, which many tenure committees could honestly give two-hoots about. More likely it will only be an issue for her if there’s some machiavellian struggle going on in the department and someone wants leverage, which students should feel ZERO responsibility for.

      Adjunct professors are indeed in more tenuous positions, career-wise, and maybe, maybe will see consequences from such reprimands, especially if they have several of them. Perhaps someone who habitually makes it difficult for students to access course materials will be fired eventually. In my 10 years at a university, I never saw a student complaint get enough actual traction to lead to a dismissal, but it could theoretically happen. And, why would that be a bad thing if it did? Professors are no less responsible for performing their job duties than anyone else, and one of those duties is following the law and providing course materials in accessible formats. Why should failing to do that not result in consequences? What other profession would ‘not doing a core function’, not to mention then being snippy and resentful to the very person you dropped the ball with, not be grounds for dismissal if it was part of a general pattern of behavior? [not that I think there’s a snowball’s chance in hell this professor will be fired as a result of this example; much more likely, that reprimand will gather dust in her file but will perhaps remind her stay on top of this issue for at least this current semester]

      As for your good news! Yay! Congrats on the GA-ship candidacy!

      1. Abracadanielle +4

        I’m glad you still have strong feelings because these are the points I was trying to make, and you laid them out much better! 🙂

        1. secondursula +3

          Thanks! I felt like it could stand to be reiterated from another perspective within the university ecosystem.

          It’s funny, because I thought I’d be out of it once I moved away from working at a university, but I made a lot of friends in my time who are now professors, post-docs, researcher and admins themselves, with a few straggler students among them, so I still spend a whole lot of time talking inside baseball. The leaky pipeline, attacks and hostility from state legislators and regents, all that jazz. And it’s something I care about a lot because my college experience changed my life in really profound ways, even though it’s also true that there were people in positions of power who were hostile to me and people like me. And, if I hadn’t had great mentors to shield me and a lot of luck? Who knows, I might not have completed my program and then I’d be another drip that someone else was trying to account for not being able to retain.

  53. grace_adieu +69

    Thank you so much to everyone in last week’s open thread for being lovely and supportive and giving me a great deal of really good advice about grad school. I was not in a good headspace and your comments helped to snap me out of it. I love you all so much and I can’t say how much I appreciated it, so I offer this cat picture in thanks.

    1. beaucoup1314 +7

      I didn’t do anything to help you and yet I love and appreciate this photo. Keep well.

  54. agent_nora +8

    If it is maybe possible to get onto the first page of this open thread thing, then I have a question for British toasters: do any of you live in Manchester, or have ever lived there? I’m thinking about moving there from London. Have just visited and I got a really positive feeling about it. What’s it like as a city? Good place to live?

    2. daisicles +2

      I lived in Manchester for a bit and I really liked it. I didn’t get much opportunity to really explore it the way I would’ve liked and I certainly can’t compare it to London, but I would gladly move back there myself.

    3. 30Litresof +11

      OH MY GOD DO IT. NO ONE EVER REGRETS IT. I LIVE IN MANCHESTER I WILL GUIDE YOU SWEET CHILD.

      1. 30Litresof +5

        To give a bit more detail: yes, the quality of life is better, people are more chilled out, loads of fun cool creative stuff going on and fun cool creative people… basically if you got good vibes from visiting, you would probably like living here – Manchester gives out very strong vibes, so you can kind of judge whether you’d want to be here from a first impression. If you want further advice, we can connect on Facebook or Twitter or something.

        1. agent_nora +1

          Great! That is exactly the impression I got. I don’t know how imminent this move would be really as I have a job that I really like – but my partner and I definitely want to get out of London in the not too distant future… and I am always happy to make new toast Facebook friends, I am Thora Nurkle on there!

      2. swordsnspindles +2

        I WENT TO MANCHESTER FOR ONLY THREE WHOLE DAYS AND HATED IT.
        No, ok, that was probably because my brother got into deep trouble in this city, so I’ll always connect Manchester with Bad Things.
        The museums are nice.
        And the pubs.

    4. Angelan_ +3

      I am from a small town near Manchester, I’ve never lived there but it was my nearest Big City and it’s really great, lots to do, but less stressful than London. (London is so stressful! Why is everyone in such a hurry!)

    5. mittenstheboar +2

      American but have family in Stockport, which is just outside–Stockport was lovely and calm and had great pubs so overall my impression of Manchester and surrounding area is very positive.

    6. girl_toni +3

      Manchester’s lovely – great culture (galleries, art, music, museums, exhibitions), great transport links for exploring nearby or further away, lovely parks – have you been to the Whitworth yet? (It won Museum of the Year last year and is aces!) Which parts did you visit?

      1. agent_nora +2

        Yes! I loved the Whitworth and also the People’s History Museum. There was so much else I would have liked to do while I was there so another visit is in order soon at least.

        I wandered around quite a bit in the centre of town, a bit of Hulme and around the university, a little bit of Salford/Salford Quays… I didn’t really work out where people actually live though, I was mainly a tourist.

        1. girl_toni +2

          I highly recommend the Manchester Art Gallery – the building is beautiful, the art lovely, and they seem to be doing a lot to make it accessible and interesting for people who are deaf or blind. Was the People’s History Museum good? Creativetourist.com is my favourite resource for what’s going on in the NW and when to visit!

          I know people living in Prestwich (North) and in Didsbury (South) and both areas seem great with decent high streets.

          From: [email protected]
          To: [email protected]
          Subject: agent_nora replied to your comment on Thursday Open Thread

    7. ConcinnityB +2

      the busses are cheap and the city itself is STUPID HUGE with ~1 gazillion things to do (it’s full of culture, plus has a great LBTQ+ community and a huge asian community, my brothers live near curry mile which is The Best), plus because it’s Up North it’s relatively cheap to live in. My mum was brought up there (my grandfather taught at the university) and both my brothers live there now, and as far as they’re concerned it’s Great.

  55. SmrtCookie +13

    I deleted my original ramble-y comment about work because it had way too many identifiable details in it. Long story short I’m feeling very dissatisfied with my job and possibly thinking about looking for a new one.

    In other weird-feeling news, I went on a first date with a dude and I’m totally smitten. Except he has kids and I haven’t dated anyone who has kids before. And I don’t know how I feel about that. It’s waaay to early to be thinking long-term but I also don’t want to get attached or for him to feel like I led him on if I decide that’s not something I can deal with.

    I suspect uneasiness about both situations is running together and making both worse than they need to be but I don’t know how to stop!

    1. deleted7410012 +9

      re: the dude with the kid—i am also dating a dude with a kid, and it is also brand new to me and a little nerve-wracking.

      initially i was really unsure of my ability to deal with a kid, but as the months pass…i feel more okay about it. we’ve been going out for 5 months and i have yet to meet her, but it will probably happen soon. she’s only 2, which makes things a little easier, i guess.

      i don’t think you need to be certain right away. he just wants to date, he’s not necessarily asking you to be stepmom. pay attention to your own feelings and also pay attention to how he includes (or doesn’t include) his kids in the equation. take your time before you meet them and listen to how he talks about childcare.

      1. SmrtCookie +6

        Thank you. My anxiety brain is making me overthink everything so it’s super helpful to hear from someone else.

  56. daisicles +48

    So I’m at a library conference today – my first professional conference of any kind – and now I don’t understand where all the articles about how librarians aren’t all cardigan-wearing cat-loving ladies are coming from because I’m pretty sure that describes 3/4 of the attendees. (The remaining 1/4 are cardigan-wearing cat-loving gentlemen, of course.) The woman in front of me at the keynote was knitting, even.

    I mean, as a bona fide cardigan-wearing cat-loving lady, I don’t mind at all, but is there a library conference bingo game I could discreetly print out and play?

    1. Harahel +39

      Oh lordy, I think there are only three basic styles of librarian: Cat Lady, Brisk and Sensible, and Young and Tattooed/Crazy Hair color. I am in the last category, but see myself slowly trending towards the center as I get older.
      ETA: All three kinds wear cardigans. Because public libraries always always always have bizarre issues with their heating and cooling systems.

      1. daisicles +8

        Sadly, the young tattooed/crazy haired library people must live elsewhere. I live in hope but they aren’t at my library school and they aren’t here. It’s very disappointing, truly.

    2. evieskye +24

      I have 34 cardigans, 1 cat, and MLIS degree. 😀

      The last library convention I went to I saw 3 other ladies wearing the same outfit as me (full floral brightly colored skirt, black and white top, cardigan and ballet flats. All brunettes with glasses of course)

      1. swordsnspindles +19

        Dear god, you just described me except for the bright colours, and I’m not even a librarian. Do you think one can contract librarian-ness from just working with them?

        1. priscillapeel +14

          YES, it happened to me! I think? I have the reasons why I became a librarian narrowed down to: 1) Caught it from exposure to other librarians, 2) Pre-existing cardigan and cat-owning condition, 3) I started reading the Toast and it transformed me into a rare books librarian.

          1. swordsnspindles +12

            It would explain so much! I started out crazy-haired/wild clothed, then studied medieval lit*, apparently got too close to the librarians and POOF cat-hairs and cardigans everywhere. Now I basically work for you people, and have reached hand-knit cardigans-status.

            * Hearing that you’re a rare-books librarian makes my toes curl with delight.

          2. daisicles +10

            Medieval lit? Oh, you were already at risk. That’s how it works, I’m pretty sure.

          3. swordsnspindles +6

            Oh, how I wished somebody had warned me! I thought it would be harmless, looking at pretty old books!

    3. hlmorris85 +9

      I am the rare cat-hating librarian and I rarely wear cardigans. But I also don’t have an MLS so maybe those traits are a graduation requirement.

      1. daisicles +6

        That’s okay, that means people could actually pick you out of a crowd of librarians. But do you need glasses?

          1. daisicles +9

            It’s okay. I have an MA in English and one day I was sitting in class when I realised that literally every person in the room was wearing specs. Obviously we all broke our eyes with books.

      2. MopRocks +3

        Wait wait… Is there a way to be a librarian without a MLIS? Because my credit limit and threshold for failure has severely impeded my ability to go back to school, and I’ve always regretted that I wasn’t able to fill my library-related dreams.

        1. hlmorris85 +4

          Eh, I’m occasionally reminded that I’m not a “real” librarian by people here. (I have an MA but it’s in publishing). But I’ve been doing cataloging for three years now and before that worked the desk in some university libraries and I’ve never really felt like I needed the degree to do the work. For career advancement it might be another story, but to actually have enough knowledge to do the job in front of me? I’ve not found the absence of the MLIS all that critical.

          1. daisicles +9

            Feh. The further I get into my degree, the more I’m tempted to roll my eyes at people who get all high and mighty about their MLIS, especially for something like cataloging. One of my classmates in my cataloging class has been working as a cataloger for a few years now and she’s only going for the degree now so she can move to another library if she wants.

    4. actuallycabbage +11

      Hmmm, Look for:

      People with bejeweled glasses chains
      People who have stuffed waaaaay too many freebies in their conference swag bag
      Cardigans with more than 4 colors involved
      People wearing clogs
      People who have decorated their conference badge in some way (stickers, pins)
      People with elaborate hair braids/ buns

      Signed, Dragon Age hoodie-wearing librarian with rainbow-hair who knits during meetings 😉

      1. daisicles +6

        …I am wearing clogs because I couldn’t find my flats this morning. Do I get to count myself?

        1. actuallycabbage +6

          Of course! I always decorate my conference badge, so guilty there. #>_<#

          If your library will cover it, it’s fun to go to nonlibrary-type conferences too! I get to go to Comic-Con and Wondercon because I’m the comics selector, and I’m going to the RWA conference this year because I order romance and have a podcast reviewing it for work. You get a different point of view, an inside look at market trends, plus you get to be a superstar because writers love librarians!

          1. daisicles +3

            Sadly, I’m still just a student and not in a position where anyone would send me to exciting conferences. As it is I’m at this one because it’s in my city and I got discounted registration. But one day…

      1. dashitall +10

        Hearing “everything is digitized now” from old white guys at work physically hurts me.

        1. Goomaly +4

          I live with a white guy who gives me this shit all the time, I gave up arguing and just space out now.

        2. swordsnspindles +4

          I never understood this argument in the first place anyway. They know libraries lend out ebooks, too, right?

      2. Nashirakins +11

        I literally feel like anyone who holds these opinions is wrong about everything in their life and should pay someone to help them make better choices.

      3. Olgasrevenge +5

        A patron asked my boss if we throw out the books after we digitize them today. Thanks for the laugh.

      4. Harahel +5

        Whenever I have a say in our local conference, I demand that we have no doom and gloom panels. They aren’t helpful and since we’re still sitting there getting educated about our profession, it is maybe not so dead yet and we should concentrate on the now.

  57. InsertCoolNameHere +16

    I feel like I say this all of the flipping time, but gosh do I really love all of you! The Toast is the best.

    Yay early OT! I am leaving tomorrow for my week long vacation in a warm and sunny place with my children and husband. I am very excited to have some uninterrupted time with them. I am training for a half marathon (May 1st), I have an 11 mile run to do this weekend, and it will be by the ocean and I am stoked. I really need some down time, work has been crazy and I am just tired of attending to everyone. I am an executive assistant by day to a team of eight people with varying degrees of neediness, then second shift starts at home when children/husband greet me with loving open arms but also a lot of needs! It will be nice to only have them this week.

    What is everyone else excited for?

    1. dorianneemmerton +4

      My partner finally finished her Masters degree so the last 3 years of having a new child at the same time as her doing a grad degree will finally be over, complete, finito. Most exciting.

  58. plspassthePinot +10

    Unpaid promotion for both 1) the new place that create humus & field green-centered lunch meals, and; 2) UberEats for delivering it to my office on a rainy day.

    Also, today is the 1st day I go back to a yoga class after a bad yoga-related injury about a yr ago & law school related poverty kept me out for some time. SOOO looking forward to it.

  59. dorianneemmerton +15

    Can anyone talk to me about weddings? Specifically – HOW THE FUCK DO YOU AFFORD THIS SHIT?

    My partner found a place she loves but the quote comes in for just under sixteen grand. If we had that amount of money we could put a down payment on property! We could buy a car outright! I know I’m way too practical but those are both things we could actually use, while a wedding is… just one day.

    I put forth a proposal that so suitable for us IMO (using the local queer theatre as a venue) but she wants something “prettier.” I love her but we’re just not going to get something in Toronto (we are NOT making our friends, most of them like us with kids and no car, travel to the burbs) that meets all her parameters that we can also hope to afford.

    1. wallsdonotfall +8

      It takes time, it really does. For some people, looking at a budget isn’t enough to make it clear that the money won’t work out… they need to sit with it, work through it themselves, and reach that conclusion independently. Which sucks when you feel pressure to make a venue commitment NOW.

      Is the $16k figure ceremony + reception with a full dinner etc.? We pulled off a 100-person downtown wedding for well under $10k ourselves, but everything is so individualized that YMM(very much)V.

      1. dorianneemmerton +7

        Yes it is, and do you mean downtown Toronto? If so please tell me everything that you did, every vendor you used, basically can I have your wedding?

        1. wallsdonotfall +7

          Ha, no, downtown Chicago, but prices are crazypants here too. Here was the breakdown, which may or may not be any help at all:

          – religious wedding Saturday morning: free
          – BBQ lunch delivered from favorite restaurant, served in meetinghouse basement: ~$1300)
          – flexible event/gallery space rental Saturday evening for 6 hrs + free setup: $1050
          – cocktail tables + chairs + big tables for food: ~$100, from venue
          – booze: $800
          – snacks from Costco: ??? because our moms went shopping and didn’t let us pay
          – rad queer photobooth w/ photos printed on-site for guests to keep: $1200
          – cakes: $250 (we had four cakes and cheesecakes because why not)
          – decor from Etsy that we mostly forgot: ~$250

          With various other incidentals, the whole thing (not counting rings, but yes to counting outfits) was around $7k. But we did NOT do a sit-down dinner, we fed people lunch and then let them graze in a party atmosphere that evening. (Which we called an afterparty on our invitations.) It was very DIY in that I refilled all the water pitchers, took out trash, etc. myself with friends’ help, and we definitely got a lot of support from our community.

    2. aravisthequeen +22

      Have you read A Practical Wedding? The biggest ways to cut down on cost are to cut the guest list and change the date. (Any day that isn’t a Saturday or any day from October to April will almost certainly be cheaper.)

    3. robindavisdesign +14

      I am only able to afford my upcoming wedding (which I am paying for) because my wedding party has a particularly useful set of skills so I didn’t have to outsource many things.

      I’m a graphic designer, my fiancé has a metalworking background, my maid of honor is a printmaker, and the best man is a violinist. So, the best man is doing our ceremony music, the maid of honor is printing us a bunch of banners and decorations, my fiancé made both my engagement ring and our wedding bands, and I did all the invitations.

      We’re also inviting only 25 people (for family drama reasons), which has the added benefit of being cheaper than a normal-sized wedding.

      So, yeah, weddings are stupidly expensive unless you have related skills or are willing to cut things, or shorten your guest list.

      1. dorianneemmerton +9

        We have amazingly skilled friends and know who we want to hire to do music, DJ, photography, etc. But we don’t ask our friends to work for free. It’s just.. it’s not what we could do.

        1. robindavisdesign +17

          Oh HELL no I don’t mean work for free, sorry that was totally unclear. We’re doing a combination of paying them and skill exchange (my printmaker friend offered to do our decorations if I overhauled her website, for example). I would never expect my friends to work for free!

        2. awnutts +11

          I don’t know how you’d feel about this, but you might suggest that the best gift they could give you would be, like, 25% off their usual photography fee. I agree with you and binfluenza, asking your friends to work for free is just not okay. But asking for a skill exchange (brilliant idea!) or paying them a little less + no gift is different than just saying, “You’ll do a whole job for free because you love us, right?”

          As for flowers, if you or any loved ones have a nice garden, USE THOSE! My mom’s side of the family uses the flowers from my grandmother’s amazing garden and they are always a gazillion times more beautiful than something from the florist. (There’s no fresh cut flowers quite as fresh as “GrandMary just cut these from her garden yesterday.”) Likewise, a friend of mine grew up in Kansas and her parents brought sunflowers from their home for here wedding. It was so perfect, and it was really meaningful for her as well.

          1. notebook-keeper +3

            my aunt’s wedding was last summer and she bought wildflower bouquets from the local farmer’s market, which were beautiful and much cheaper than a florist

        3. lemonadefish +4

          I totally understand not asking your friends to work for free, but on the flip side, some of them might be willing or able to give you their services as a wedding gift. My best friend got married in a venue that was a gift (one of her friends was on the board of an art gallery, and board members get one free event per year or something), the photography was a gift, I gifted the cakes, the DJing was a gift – I’m not sure how much they ended up spending, but it was a tiny fraction of the “cost” if the event, and none of us service providers felt taken advantage of at all.

    4. urspostrophe +8

      Offbeat Bride has some great tips on this stuff, if you haven’t checked it out already: http://offbeatbride.com/filed/advice/wedding-budg….

      Definitely it comes down to what each of you wants and prioritizes for your wedding, but some things we did that cut our costs down a lot:

      -Hired a newbie photographer
      -I bought my dress second-hand, he bought an off-the-rack suit
      -No flowers (but it was October so it didn’t matter much)
      -Relatively minimal decorations

      1. dorianneemmerton +8

        Thank you, and Urspostrophe, and bsbree! There is definitely some good advice in here. The biggest problem is definitely our difference in priorities/expectations. As alluded to my OP, I would rather be saving up that money to spend on a car or a townhouse, not a wedding at all. Whereas she’s one of these people who have dreamed of a beautiful wedding ever since she was a little girl. And she makes significantly less money than I do, so I feel like I’m going to end up paying for most of it, and that will just cause resentment. So we certainly need to sit this down and seriously talk it through, it’s just so hard to do that because by the timer we get our preschooler to bed at night we’re so tired!

        1. kayjayoh_ +7

          One of the big things that comes up on APW is the topic of budget and values. Honoring both partners’ values, keeping a realistic budget, compromising when necessary/possible, etc. In a way, planning a wedding *can* be a bit of prep for planning a partnership. Having these discussions and figuring out how to make it work for both of you. Which you will be doing over and over.

    6. irishbreakfasttime +2

      There is excellent advice in this thread! I am just getting srs about planning now, and that involved some unpleasant budget adjustment. But here are some things that have helped:
      -the venue is a tiny nonprofit (a historical society HQ) that pretty much rents out its building to raise a little money and has a volunteer event coordinator running everything. So, very very cheap in exchange for a lot of DIY on our part. It’s also a nice-looking place on its own, so we don’t feel a need to do much decorating. I found it via an offbeat bride comment thread for my metro area.
      – the venue doesn’t have a liquor license, so we don’t have to (legally) hire a bartender. it’s all going in some coolers with ice, dinner is a buffet and dessert is not a wedding cake
      -the photographer we just hired does digital files only, no prints, because it’s cheaper to order our own prints online.

      1. rachelthistle +2

        Ottawa wedding planning going on here, and although our numbers aren’t NEARLY that bad, I still had some serious sticker shock when I went looking for venues. My advice would be to keep looking a while longer. You may yet be able to find a middle ground between 16K and not pretty enough. A lot of my planning successes came about because I put in even more time and explored extra options, although it does have a cost in crazymaking (are any of the more local art galleries available? They can often have beautiful spaces and make you feel good for contributing to the arts).

    7. robotneedslove +6

      Ok, honest talk (and I’m going to use amounts here, so if you don’t want to see crazy wedding spending numbers, best to skip): we JUST got married, and spent almost $40k not including things like rehearsal dinner and other straight-up parent spends, and ALSO had a lot of those annoying “our friend is a pastry chef and gifted us our desserts” things (like, that actually happened for us).

      And we don’t own property, and I still have a lot of student debt. So that IS a crazy amount to have spent on a wedding. But, and I will get to this later, I do feel like it was worth every single penny.

      The mechanics of how we afforded it: Overall, $21k in cash + rehearsal dinner, breakfast for my wedding party, and other assorted expenses came from our parents. We saved $14 k during our year-long engagement, and the other $5k or so came from my tax refund. I am a lawyer and make pretty good money. We live relatively cheaply for our city by having roommates. I kept saving in RRSPs and for emergencies, etc, during our engagement.

      Why I feel like it was worth it: It absolutely, 100% did its job. Our wedding’s job was to bring us closer to our family (and friends) and bring our family and friends closer to each other as we create a new family. And it did that. Our wedding brought both of us closer to our parents and to each other’s parents, brought our parents closer to each other (including bringing my divorced parents into the same room), and brought our whole families closer to each other and closer to our friends. Our wedding transformed our families. It was truly incredible that way.

      Could we have done it without all the money? Yes, definitely. Without all the fuss? No, I don’t think so. I think the wedding INCLUDED a year of fussing. And for us, and our families, I think it felt important that things felt beautiful, generous, etc, so the money happened. We could have spent more, we could have spent less, but that’s what we spent based on the money we had.

      For example: my silly custom dress, which I did love, but not as much as one should considering how much it cost, felt worth it before my wedding even happened, because of the time my mom and I spent together planning it, looking at fabric, at the dressmaker’s etc. I also included my mother-in-law, my stepmother, my sisters, and my friends in various moments. So by the time I put that dress on on my wedding day, it was responsible for hours and hours of togetherness and excitement. It didn’t even matter that much how it looked.

      Anyway, everyone’s experience is different, but I really recommend talking a lot with your partner about what you want from a wedding VERY VAGUELY. Stay in dreamland for a long time, until you feel like you have dreams that match up. Once we did that, everything got a lot easier.

      1. irishbreakfasttime +3

        i like this a lot! (also congratulations!!!)
        I think a big part of my getting to be OK with that FIVE DIGIT NUMBER showing up in the total column of my budget spreadsheet is…yes, this COULD be part of a down payment on a house, or a new car, but I am not planning on either of those things in the near future. So at this point in our lives, throwing a fabulous party is not throwing away an investment in anything more important. If you’re seeing it as “this could be a down payment on a house and I really want a house,” that sounds like a good conversation starter about priorities.

    8. Absotively +1

      Disclaimer: It’s been a decade since I lived in Toronto, and I was a student and never tried to throw any wedding-y parties while I was there, but if I were going to try to do that now this is the list of places I think I’d check out.

      Have you tried UofT? There are some gorgeous rooms in the older buildings, and it’s possible that they’d have an alumni rate if it happens that one of you went there. (It’s also possible that they wouldn’t and would be very expensive, of course, and I strongly suspect you’d have to use their catering.)

      I wasn’t particularly charmed by Toronto First Unitarian’s main hall/sanctuary the one time I visited, but it was pretty enough in its own way, and might be cheaper for the ceremony. You don’t have to be very religious to get married in a Unitarian church. I don’t know if they have a hall or if you’d have to find somewhere else for the reception, though. And it is a bit of a ways from downtown, but not too difficult to get to by transit; it’s probably easier to get to when it’s not Sunday morning. There are also some pretty United Churches, if the two of you are of a churchier bent.

      For a less conventional option, you could rent a boat. A student group I was in in university had a couple of awards dinner-dances on a boat, and it was just like having them in a hotel, except on a boat. I assume that at least some of them are reasonably priced, because I don’t recall the tickets to the dinners being too expensive. The boat wasn’t all that fancy, but you could go out and look at the view across the lake, which was nice. Admittedly, this wouldn’t be such a great option if some of your guests might want to leave earlier than others.

      1. dorianneemmerton +3

        I really really appreciate the advice, but I’m laughing in horror at the idea of a boat wedding with the amount of small children who will be running around!

        And neither of us want to go anywhere near a church BUT – U of T is my alma mater, plus I host a show on CIUT, so I will totally look into that!

        1. Absotively +2

          I’m glad I hit on one thing that might work! Maybe start with Hart House? It was often full of people taking wedding pictures when I was a student.

    9. Zooey_Glass04 +3

      Auugggh! I have no advice, but I feel your pain. I’m not currently engaged, but I’m pretty sure the main thing that is stopping us is the unwillingness to deal with the expense of the wedding. Plus the whole negotiating visions thing. I think it is RIDONKULOUS to spend a gazillion pounds on a wedding, right up until I encounter partner’s vision of a low budget wedding (the very very grimy local pub features prominently) and realise that my vision is considerably more pricey. We both have loads of relatives and I’m keen to cut costs by just not inviting most of them (we’re not close to all our cousins etc, I would rather have a tiny wedding with the people we really care about) but he thinks this would start World War Three. Every time we start thinking about it we come up against all these issues and just give up from exhaustion. We’re agreed that the main thing that is important is the actual being married, but the wedding thing is still complicated. I wish we were the ‘go to the registry office on a Wednesday afternoon’ type, which the rational part of my brain is all for, but… weddings aren’t very rational?

    10. znfchick +1

      Late to the party, but… have a dessert reception and/or get friends and family to donate foods for it, especially if it’s not a huge wedding.
      Ask friends to play music/take photos as wedding gifts.

  60. megalesias +30

    Oh, good, I was wondering how I was going to stretch out the small, small amount of work I have left for today into 8 full hours, but there’s an open thread! No problem now, thanks Toast!

    1. jenavira +2

      Same! Work gets really boring when my boss is at a conference. At least there’s a new Star Wars trailer to keep us all busy.

  61. falcofield +15

    Ugh, we just had a horrible staff meeting. A heated argument developed between a colleague and a manager; the manager tried to handle it as best as possible, but there were raised voices and interrupting of one another. It was so stressful, especially because the topic was irrelevant to the rest of us, so it took over five minutes for someone else to speak up and suggest the conversation be taken offline. They moved on, with no resolution and plenty of tension.

    It has nothing to do with me, and is ultimately none of my business, but I couldn’t believe how quickly my body went into fight-or-flight mode being so close to the unexpected confrontation in the workplace. Our department has experienced its fair share of dysfunction and tension for years, but management has changed recently and so it seemed to become more respectful and collaborative.

    1. actuallycabbage +6

      That sounds so uncomfortable! I’m sure you weren’t the only one who was affected by it. It’s kind of amazing how fast you can go into fight or flight isn’t it?
      Someone pretended to be upset and stormed out of my last meeting- they actually got in their car and drove away! I pretty much flipped out in my head and had a small panic attack, even though they returned later with candy for all.

      1. falcofield +5

        Oh no, everyone felt incredibly uncomfortable because of it.

        OMG, the storming out and driving away! That seems like such a prolonged and risky joke to make…

    2. paisleyLo +9

      In my previous job in another department of the same institution I’m in now, our department meetings were JUST LIKE THIS. I feel for you and I totally know the cold-sweat feeling of fight/flight anxiety.

      Although the last time it happened, my coworker sitting next to me (who is a lovely, zen woman who’s voice barely registers above a whisper, yet manages to command a room on a regular basis) gently drew my attention to a small bird at the window who had straw and grass in its little beak. It was enormously comforting to quietly watch nature with her while sitting in the eye of a literal scream storm.

  62. extrayarn +6

    Has anyone been watching The Magicians? Can we talk about how great it is and also how hot Penny is?

    1. helvetica547 +2

      It is great and Penny is hot. And also Alice. And Margo. And Eliot. This show is full of hot people, lbh.
      I am surprised by how much I don’t hate Quentin – I accept him for all his whining and complaining and general lack of spark but that’s what actually makes me like him. He’s so not like a usual protagonist and I easily like him for how unlikeable he is, while still being human, if that makes sense.

      1. extrayarn +1

        Alice isn’t my type but props to the costume director for pulling off the sexy-innocent thing so well.
        I think the Quentin thing is because he’s kind of the Chosen One or whatever but it’s only sort of the main plot point? His Chosen-ness isn’t the main thing about him like it is about some other major magical franchise characters I can think of.

        1. helvetica547 +1

          Yeah, I know that he’s the chosen one but he doesn’t seem to act like it – he’s not super good at magic, he’s pretty terrible at handling relationships and life and he has screwed up a lot. Which is to say, he might be the Chosen One but he was only recently just a kid who wanted to believe in magic and now has had to kind of re-evaluate things. So, he’s a human, reacting to HP coming to life which I love.
          Also, I haven’t read the books, so this is all from the TV series.

    2. Bryn (Plus Others) +1

      I watched the first 3 episodes and really liked them and then Syfy wanted me to give them money and I am waffling, because money! Does it keep getting better?

      1. extrayarn +1

        I have no complaints. How much money? I mean, I’d say it’s worth it just to watch Penny skulk around in shirtless robes but YMMV. The story’s good too (although the Julia plot gets a little meh.)

    3. aqueousmedium +3

      I am loving it and very much enjoying how they’re playing with deliberately varying from the book. The actor who plays Eliot is just superb.

      1. Sisyphus_Cog +3

        Eliot is all of the fabulous Drama Club Boys I hung out with in high school. I’m kinda meh on the rest of the show but I did miss some mid-season episodes.

        1. extrayarn +3

          My high school didn’t have nearly enough fabulous DCBs but I met any number of them in college and they were so fab. I miss them – they don’t run in the same circles as stay-at-home moms, generally 🙁

  63. aravisthequeen +8

    I downloaded Plant Nanny in an effort to drink more water, since I think my dry skin is probably related to the fact that I don’t drink nearly enough. This is day 4! Do you stop having to pee ALL THE TIME? It’s fucking annoying.

    1. GreenGrasses +25

      Nope, you never stop! You get really good at finding bathrooms, and when you’re done peeing you can look at your radiant, hydrated face in the mirror while washing your hands.

    2. illyria83 +27

      So my theory on this (and I drink water (and coffee, tea, La Croix) all the time, at work especially) is that all the getting up to go to the bathroom, get more water, etc. is saving me from the “you’ll die if you sit all the time” and in the more immediate future, from back pain. YMMV.

      1. sprinkles6 +8

        Exactly! Also, when I was up getting water (which I’d only fill up half way so that I could go even more often because decreasing my back pain actually helped me get more done), I actually chatted with people in the kitchen, so my social skills improved dramatically. I would recommend this strategy.

    3. meredithcbrogden +5

      This is why I don’t drink enough water. Also, because I will get water and then forget that I have it because I get busy with other things. But the bathroom thing is annoying.

    4. iosognodisonno +3

      No, but also be aware that now when I go out without bringing my own bottle of water I’m often thirsty. Ugh especially at bars where they serve alcohol and don’t automatically bring out water (which is such a terrible idea, I can’t believe it’s a thing). So be prepared to have to ask for it and/or get refills more often when you’re out.

      But hey it’s worth it cause you’ll be more healthy.

  64. logicbutton +11

    In other important movie news, looks like Death Note is finally getting that North American adaptation people have been speculating on for the past ten years. I am feeling literally every feeling it is possible for a human to feel at once.
    – OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
    – But Light will be played by a white dude. Hooray.
    – At least it’ll actually be set in North America, where there are a lot of white dudes.
    – Are they going to change his name? They’ll have to, right? He can’t be Light Yagami.
    – Are they going to change ALL the names?
    – Are they going to keep some of the names and not others? How will that work? Are they going to change the names of the canonically foreign characters? What countries will those characters be from now? Will Watari still be British, for example? Will his real name still be Quillsh Wammy?
    – Is this any of this really necessary? We already have live action Death Note movies, and they’re good. Really good.
    – Oh man, remember how Alessandro Juliani was the English dub voice of L? Dude stole the show.
    – Remembering Death Note these days always gets me thinking about how I’m not sure I wouldn’t get too impatient with the casual misogyny to finish the whole series if I were reading it for the first time today. I get to wondering about how things would have been different if I’d felt that way at the time, and then I start thinking about the person I was in college and the person I am now. Lots of feelings.
    – But also, was the misogyny really that intolerable? It was present for sure, but maybe I’d just roll my eyes and move on?
    – I mean, I own the entire anime and manga series; I could always do a rewatch or reread.
    – ugh but SO MANY THINGS TO WATCH AND READ, I don’t have time for stuff I already know

    1. currentundersea +6

      I HAVE THE SAME EXACT FEELINGS! I just finished reading it (as someone who’s in grad school now) and I mean, it could be worse? It certainly annoyed me, that’s for certain, but not enough to stop reading. (Bakuman, the series the authors completed right after this one, is a completely different story — horribly misogynistic.) It helps that female characters are so few and make infrequent appearances that I could keep reading past them even as it made me incredibly annoyed. It’s not great, but it could be worse.

      I don’t really know how I feel about it possibly being cast with white people. Urgh.

      1. wallofillusion +5

        UGH, I (in high school at the time) always used to leap to Death Note’s defense re: misogyny because Halle! and also Misora!! They were good female characters! (note to my past self: if there are only two examples on the list…)

        And then I tried reading the first volume of Bakuman and was like nope, fuck that, I have wasted my efforts arguing in defense of these people. I am still VERY angry about this.

        1. currentundersea +4

          Totally agree — the misogyny is indefensible.

          I still like the story and the issues it raises, though. And the art is good.

          Bakuman is infuriating. I tried to read on to see if it got better and NOPE. TERRIBLE.

    2. breccia +10

      I will take this chip……

      and EAT IT.

      ALL ACCORDING TO KEIKAKU.

      (I’ve never actually watched Deathnote.)

    3. Maxine of Arc +6

      Brad Swaile, my dub husband since 1999, also killed it as Light. So to speak.

      Not casting Zac Efron for this adaptation seems like a missed opportunity, but I guess he might have aged out of the role by now.

      1. logicbutton +4

        Sadly, I think he probably has. Oh well, we’ll always have those side-by-side photo comparisons. Maybe he could play this movie’s Ryuuga Hideki, though.

        Also, yes, Brad Swaile, excellent work.

  65. illyria83 +98

    Here, have a picture from my recent trip to Monticello:

    “Thomas, that was a real nice declaration”

    2. askelade +27

      My wife (a retired historian of United States history) and I have been having an ongoing conversation since last weekend called “Thomas Jefferson, What Are You Good For?” and she is trying to bring me around to her POV, which is basically “Sure, Jefferson was not that great a person, but History doesn’t really have villains the way askelade wants there to be villains.”

        1. askelade +17

          Kicking myself for missing out on the opportunity to say Hope you had fun doing whatever the hell it is you did at Monticello.

          Saying it anyway!

          ETA: Beaten to the punch by WallofIllusion below

          2. askelade +7

            I like yours because it is more accusatory!

            Still another caption option: “Hey, neighbor.”
            (I could go on all day, stop me.)

    4. wallofillusion +36

      Okay, but did you stay mellow doing whatever the hell it is you did in Monticello??

  66. GingerHawk +78

    Toasties I was going to save this until tomorrow but now OT is here and I can share now – I got a job!!!! The place I had an interview at two weeks ago called me yesterday and made me an offer and now we’re working out details and I’m about to formally accept it. It is a step up in my career, seems like it has a very good company culture, puts me in the same place as my significant other, and makes up for my currently very underpaid job by putting me solidly within range for my industry. I feel like I took my rage at my current job, heated and hammered it to a fine point, and then threw it and out of sheer luck hit a bullseye on the first try. I did not expect to find a new position so fast and it is making me feel more valued, worthwhile, and lucky than I have in a long time. Thank you to everybody who offered good wishes when I was ranting about my current job or worrying about interviews. This is a fantastic community and I can’t tell you how much I’ve appreciated the support.

    4. plspassthePinot +6

      Congratulations! Your situation sounds nearly exactly like mine last month! Hello from the other side 😀 Wishing you all the best in your new place, near you S/O, in the industry you’re trained for! You’ll do great.

  67. GreenGrasses +73

    Yesterday I gave a talk at Harvard Law School about barriers to abortion funding! It went really well and I am proud of myself! Public speaking doesn’t bother me too too much but it was still scary.

    The students that attended were really awesome and asked good questions and it was so heartening to see so many young lawyers taking up the cause.

    3. AbigMess +3

      yay! that’s great. Can I ask what you do/where you work? I’m a doctoral student and this is my area of interest so I’m always trying to meet others!

      1. GreenGrasses +3

        Hi there! I was invited to speak because I volunteer for the Eastern Massachusetts Abortion Fund. The Harvard Law chapter of Students for Reproductive Justice organized the panel, and they had me, a person from Planned Parenthood, and someone from Ibis Reproductive Health talk about the financial issues that people encounter when they want abortions. The other two talked about insurance, and then I talked about what happens if you aren’t using or can’t use insurance – that’s where funds like EMA come in!

  68. Theo_Winterwood +14

    My 29th birthday is the day after tomorrow and my family hasn’t gotten in touch with me about it yet, which I think means that they’re seeing if I’m going to reach out to them and go, “Hey, I want to see you, can you take me out to dinner?” But a) doing that kind of thing feels presumptive and rude, and b) I kind of resent them putting the onus of seeing my family on my birthday on me. (Probably to test whether I still love them enough?)

    (Spoiler: I would love to not have to see them anyway, but I know that if I don’t initiate something, it’s gonna be me who gets blamed for not caring enough to reach out to them. For my own birthday. Wtf.)

    In other topics, has anyone else put together playlists for fictional characters/assigned them theme songs? Who was it? What music did you use? Do those songs become as inextricably associated with those characters/stories for you as they do for me?

    1. threeforgirls +5

      I make a lot of fanmixes, most recently one for the five main Raven Cycle characters. Usually it’s just that a lyric from one song strikes me a certain way, and then I hear another that gives me the same impression (or makes me think of another piece of [character’s] personality), and so on and so forth until I find myself creating a new playlist on my phone for them.

      Sometimes I’ll listen to one album over and over again as I’m getting into [show, book, movie, whatever], and that kind of becomes the soundtrack for it. Like La Roux’s first album will always be my primary Tony Stark soundtrack, and Seinabo Sey will forever remind me of Dutch from Killjoys.

      1. Kuluvi +3

        Oh my god please tell me about or point me in the direction of your Raven Cycle fanmixes. I need to get pumped up (aka uber emotional) about the final book coming out later this month!

        2. threeforgirls +4

          I don’t have them posted anywhere right now because I’m too lazy to clear off my desk/computer at home and compile everything /o

          BUT I can at least give you the tracks! It’s not really the most upbeat of mixes, tbh:

          A Message from My Mothers Passed/The Jezabels (Blue)
          You Are A Tourist/Death Cab for Cutie (Noah)
          I Found/Amber Run (Ronan)
          Blank Maps/Cold Specks (Gansey)
          Pluto/Sleeping At Last (Adam)
          Polarize/twenty one pilots (Ronan)
          Don’t Wait/Mapei (Noah)
          Rain King/Counting Crows (Blue)
          Which Witch/Florence + the Machine (Gansey)
          A Beginning Song/The Decemberists (Adam)

    3. friendofdaja +2

      I only made one fanmix, for the book Drawing Blood by Poppy Z. Brite (is this a book anyone else in the world knows? it’s kind of a problematic fave, but I like it nonetheless). It was really good, and had all the emo 80/90s boy bands.

    4. caatness +3

      Happy, happy, happy birthday!! Celebrate as pleases you. It’s your birthday. Anyone else’s feelings or desires are their own responsibility. And if you live near Austin, come over, I will make you birthday goodies.

    5. jenavira +3

      I make SO MANY fanmixes, and yes, they become so inextricably associated with… well, let’s just say that entire objectively non-tragic albums now have the power to make me cry with Feelings about queer zombies or dead elves or undead pirates.

      I should really write up and post those In the Flesh fanmixes.

    6. j_bird +3

      Your family gets mad at you if YOU don’t plan something for your own birthday? That’s messed up.
      If it were me, I’d enjoy my birthday alone and try to ignore the forthcoming guilt-trips…but then I don’t know exactly how bad the guilt-trips are in your family. Anyway, happy birthday!!!

    7. eldergrantaire +2

      I’m in drama school and one of my most recent assessment pieces was to choreograph and perform a movement piece based on the life of a fictional character. (Yes, really. I promise you, whatever ridiculous thing you see drama students on TV do, the reality is 5000% more ridiculous.) Fortunately all of my friends are gigantic nerds so it took me approximately forty seconds to get a list of five or six different songs that reminded them of Remus Lupin. I ended up going with The Modern Leper by Frightened Rabbit, which is a gorgeous song that also fits his life story and feelings about himself basically to the letter. I now associate it with him strongly enough that it’s made me start imagining him with a Scottish accent.

  69. middlemarch +61

    WANNA HEAR MY CORNELL STORY???

    So, my sister works in a dropout prevention program in South LA. It’s pretty competitive to get hired by the org, and they try really hard to hire people who come from backgrounds similar to those of the kids they serve – so, lots of folks who grew up in poverty, were immigrants, etc. By and large they are a great group.

    That said, there is also a substantial minority of, like, social justice oriented white kids from UMC backgrounds in the program, and they either tend to be wonderful people or THE WORST people. My sister is among the former of this designation.

    Anyway, two of her coworkers are bros from Cornell, and they constantly disparage the intelligence of their other coworkers, and say shit like “The only UC’s worth ~considering~ are UCLA and Berkeley. Now, when I was at Cornell…” To their coworkers who, like, grew up in Compton and ~merely~ went to UCSD or whatever. Literally everything they say is preceded with “At my frat in Cornell…” It’s terrible.

    So, at work everyone has an anonymous “compliment jar”. My sister, having gotten sick of their shit one day, lost her mind and wrote the following anonymous note:

    CORNELL IS THE COMMUNITY COLLEGE OF IVIES, WHY EVEN GO THERE MIGHT AS WELL JUST JOIN THE NAVY

    (Yes, that’s a Crazy Ex-Girlfriend quote.)

    Anyway, the dudes did not get it and were just very confused by the note. However, my sister was a hero to the rest of her colleagues. I have never been so proud of anyone in my life.

    1. annecara +29

      As an non-Cornell Ivy Leaguer, I can attest that (at least at my school) we often forgot that Cornell is even part of the Ivy League.

      1. middlemarch +4

        Back when I lived in SF my boyfriend at the time was a Penn alum, and most of his social circle were Penn and Cornell people in tech. His inner circle was mostly lovely, but my god! Once you got out of his close friend group to the general bunch, THE COMPLEX they had about their schools! It was FASCINATING.

        Like, I went to a large state university mostly known for its Playboy rankings, I do not get to have an ego about undergrad and I thought I knew about how people party irresponsibly. But I realized a) holy crap do these people party hard in kind of scary ways, b) probably because they were teen nerds and have money to buy fancy drugs now, c) honestly, they… aren’t necessarily any smarter than the bright folks at my state school?, and d) SILICON VALLEY IS NOT A COMEDY, IT IS A REALIST DRAMA.

        AND THEY WERE ALL -SO- TOUCHY THAT THEY DIDN’T GO TO STANFORD.

        On a related note, I once met the creator of “Bang with Friends” at a party in Tahoe. He was a Cornell alum, living life at nearly 30 as a frat boy, and making far, far more money than I ever will.

    2. middlemarch +39

      For the record, neither my sister nor I went to a prestigious undergrad, so we literally have no dog in this Ivy League fight. We’re just trolls.

    3. CurrerBell789 +23

      This is amazing.
      Also just thinking of The Office now, and Andy’s Cornell obsession. (Also someone I know who is actually One of the Worst People went to Cornell, so always here for more Cornell snark).
      And I think I’m going to have to start watching Crazy Ex Girlfriend now. The quote has convinced me.

    4. mmsees +12

      I just watched that episode of Crazy Ex-Girlfriend the other day and immediately texted my boyfriend, a Cornell alum! (I didn’t even go to an Ivy and I give him a ton of Cornell shit. Mostly I just give him a lot of shit.)

  70. mooocheller +7

    Hey Toasties, does anybody have any experience with taking lexapro? I have been on it for about a month now and have found it immensely helpful with my GAD and depression. The only problem is that I am consistently exhausted and can’t seem to make it as far in my runs/other workouts as I used to be able to (I’m no marathoner, but I used to do 1.5-2 miles a few times a week and now I’m lucky if I make it a mile without getting dizzy). I’ve read that a lot of side effects go away in time, so I’m hoping this will too. Anybody gone through this with an SSRI?

    1. isabelcooper +4

      I’m on it at the moment for GAD, and in my third month. I don’t do running stuff, but I *have* noticed myself being more tired than usual, and also some possibly-related sexual stuff. Both seem to be diminishing, and they say six months is the “if it’s not gone now, it’s not going to go away on this” cutoff for side effects.

      I also find that ginkgo biloba helps a little.

      1. mooocheller +6

        Prozac and celexa both fucked with my nether regions like crazy–celexa took both my period and my orgasm away from me–but by some miracle, I haven’t gotten any of the sexual side effects on lexapro. Hoping that continues. Maybe I will look into the ginko too. Thanks for the tip!

    2. citystillbreath +7

      I’ve been on lexapro for about a year now and the constant yawning and exhaustion did eventually go away, yes.

    3. Maxine of Arc +3

      I’ve been on Lexapro for about three years now (after a few years on Prozac and several years on Effexor XR). I’ve never noticed that kind of side effect, but it’s hard for me to evaluate because it’s been so long since I’ve been Not on an SSRI. I do remember that Effexor really slowed me down (and mellowed me out) when I first started with it, but that wore off within several months.

      ETA: I should maybe note that when I initially switched from Effexor to Lexapro, the only side effects I noticed (though they might not have been the only ones that actually occurred) were that I was not as horribly depressed, and I could miss a dose by a few hours/a day without getting cold sweats and mini-blackouts.

    4. darthcacti +2

      So, Lexapro made me fairly exhausted as well and my doctor ended up adding a small dose of Wellbutrin to combat the side effects? It ended up working fairly well for me.

      1. mmsees +2

        I take sertraline, not lexapro, but I also added a small dose of wellbutrin to deal with fatigue/lack of motivation side effects and it’s been great for me.

    5. LaxMom +3

      It did make me a bit sleepy, but depression was worse, so… Make sure you are staying hydrated, AD’s are pretty hard on your liver. Also make sure you’re still eating and taking your B vitamins.
      Have you talked to your doctor about lowering the dose? After the intial build up phase I was able to taper down and have fewer side effects (I didn’t have many, but if I forgot a dose I felt like my brain was being sucked through a straw, in a non-painful way. Lowering doses for me got rid of that effect).

    6. whollyword +2

      I’m on it currently and have been for– maybe two years now?

      I had some epic nights of sleep after the initial insomnia went away (like, easily 10 hours), but two years in

      – I can cope with a five-hour night of sleep if I need to (and have been lately, because I want more writing time).
      – I’m not running, but I get at least four miles of walking in most days.
      – if I miss a dose, I’ll be okay, though let’s hope it’s not in the three days prior to my period.

      The last couple of years have been chaotic– I realized I wasn’t temperamentally an academic and left grad school, I realized that my father was an abusive jerk and that my mother enabled him, I spent a significant amount of time unemployed in one of the most expensive housing markets in the U.S., and an over-a-decade relationship with someone I’ve known since childhood slowly imploded (not in a minimally painful way, either).

      I think I am probably alive at this point because of Lexapro. Orgasm with a partner is slower to get to and less consistent for me than it used to be, but it’s going to be a long time before I feel like dating again anyway.

      1. mooocheller +1

        Good for you for finding your way through all of that. Sending you so many internet hugs. I’m so glad lexapro helped you through it. The difference the right SSRI can make is really incredible–I was struggling with depression/suicidal thoughts so much that my husband was afraid to leave me alone at home, but on lexapro, I feel like myself again. It’s really heartening to hear from someone who has been on it for over a year and is still feeling better, so thank you.

  71. kilks401 +19

    I am super excited for Star Wars. I am putting this quibble here, because I get why people are so excited. I do hope that they have a movie with a woman of color, or ideally more than one, as the star(s) of the movie. That would be amazing.

  72. teenybuffalo +39

    During the last weeks of reading threads here, I’ve picked up the impression that the typical Toast commenter owns forty lipsticks and ninety eyeliners and an unlimited number of highlighters, bases, primers, sealers, glitters, concealers, shadows, mascaras, and eyebrow pruners. So much makeup! And you all know what the hell it’s for, and how to make it look cool on your faces! Everyone sounds like an expert in glamour. I’m impressed and intimidated.

    I’m struggling not to feel like a lesser woman. Is there anyone else here who likes femme things but doesn’t wear makeup? Or does wear makeup but struggles with it?

    I wear lipstick on special occasions, but that’s about it. I can’t keep makeup attractive on my face–there’s always something to smear it or rub it off or get stuck to it, and I can’t put enough time into my face to keep cosmetics looking nice all day.

    1. Bryn (Plus Others) +16

      Some of us like femme things and we pretty much never, ever wear makeup. Maybe eyeliner and shadow like once a year, but we don’t really know anything about how to wear it so it probably looks from 1988.

    2. 30Litresof +3

      I do lipstick and cat eye liquid liner and that’s it. And mascara, which I always end up blinking onto my face.

    4. dakimel +14

      My makeup routine is: do I want to wear the redish or the nudish Burt’s Bees balm today?

      I admire the bold lipped and bold eyed out there, but haven’t managed to fit makeup into my own life. OTOH, my sister is excellent at makeup and has tons of adult acne, so I just decided to correlate the two and bask in my excellent smooth skin.

    5. swordsnspindles +22

      I think all the non-make-up-loving-ladies just quietly stare in awe and wonder whenever the other Toasties bring out their arsenal of lipstick. I usually wear nothing beyond foundation, and have no idea how people manage these artistic feats. I feel extremely fancy right now because I wear nail polish .

    6. illyria83 +8

      I buy expensive makeup just to cover up my terrible skin and look somewhat presentable. I am in no way glamorous and I constantly struggle with even good stuff just melting off my face as the day goes on. I am a mess who just tries to camouflage the worst. (And I had no one to learn from, so it took years to figure out certain basic things. Am still kind of terrible at eye liner but can kind of use the one I have?)

      2. meredithcbrogden +4

        This is me. I have gotten better with the eyeliner over the years (and it took SO LONG to find one that would stay on my lid and not rub off as the day went on) but I haven’t tried a cat-eye look yet because that looks a little beyond my capabilities.

        I also struggle with lipstick because I love it on other people but when I put it on, I feel like I look ridiculous.

    7. squidlips9 +3

      I put on blush during the winter so I don’t look dead and will add eyeliner a couple of times a month if I’m feeling it. That’s all, though. I never could get lipstick to look quite right and I don’t like the way it makes my lips feel and just forget mascara. I poke myself in the eye and get raccoon eyes EVERY TIME. Stopped trying that years ago.

    8. ellehmariat +3

      I feel this way too. Through trial and error I managed to find a good lipstick shade for me, and I have mastered using mascara, but beyond that anything else I try looks bad (to me). I cannot for the life of me figure out what to do with eye shadow.

    9. Kuluvi +12

      I’m not super ~femme~ but I do like makeup & own a lot of it despite not wearing it 95% of the time. Whenever I do have a full face on, I become hyper-aware of the State of My Face which is exhausting. For that reason, I primarily wear makeup for special occasions or whenever I want to feel amped up.

      I think it’s easiest to start with one makeup item or area (like lipstick) and build your comfort zone from there. Lipstick is hard because you do have to touch it up all the time, but maybe you can try some matte lipsticks or liquid lipsticks that have crazy long wear. But never forget, others will understand the Struggle of needing to reapply lipstick! It’s not something to be ashamed of, because all lipstick-wearers suffer through it too. Really, find any and all products that can increase the longevity of your makeup wear to reduce that anxiety!

      My mom never wore makeup and never taught me the basics of makeup, so everything I learned I picked up from Youtube, blogs, and magazines because I was interested in wearing wild eyeshadows & having darker lips. Find a Youtuber that makes you feel comfortable & does the style of makeup you want to do. (My fav is Sharon Farrell)

      Not wearing makeup often doesn’t make you a lesser woman! First step is always learning to cooperate with your skin, or finding a compromise with your skin if it’s particularly rude. When you’re happy with your skin, few people will notice or care that you’re out in the world bare-faced. 🙂

      1. dameacademyalumna +1

        Do you have any recs for YouTube channels and blogs? I’ll check out Sharon Farrell, but I was never taught the basics either and it would be nice to have the extra help.

        1. Kuluvi +1

          Temptalia has been my top blog resource for everything from looks to products. For Youtube, I love the Batalash Beauty girls & AlisonLovesJB, but Sharon remains my fav simply because of her bubbly, open personality & how she makes makeup accessible.

    10. Goomaly +4

      I wear dresses and I have long curly hair, so I am femme but not in the sense that I’m trying very hard. In fact I am not trying hard at all. My idea of a fancy face is liquid eyeliner (it’s more like a marker, very easy to use), mascara, and tinted moisturizer or BB cream (SO FANCY).

      I would like to try foundation with more coverage, but I have some acne scarring/texture which becomes very apparent the more shit I put on it. Oh well.

      Also lipstick is fun but my awesome orangey lipstick took a ride in the washing machine and I haven’t replaced it yet. Maybe something sheer but not glossy? Raspberry colored?

      1. swordsnspindles +2

        Oh god, liquid eyeliner is the worst, I never ever got the hang of that when I did indeed experiment with make-up long ago.
        Lipstick alternative: tinted lip balm? …handmade tinted lip balm? …like the one I love making but never use?

    11. hlmorris85 +14

      I’m terrible at applying makeup because my mom never wore it and I never did the kind of practice stuff that tween and teen girls always seem to do. When I was young I really internalized this idea that I wasn’t pretty enough to wear makeup, that I didn’t *deserve* to wear it. I still struggle with that really shitty feeling. But, as I’ve gotten older I’ve learned to just say fuck it, and I like color and glitter so when I want to wear makeup I just go for it. One of the things that got me into it was a friend getting me a subscription box–because they were samples, I wasn’t feeling guilty spending a ton of cash on makeup I ended up not liking.

      As for rubbing and smearing, I finally discovered eyelid primer which was a *game changer*. My eye makeup in particular always rubbed off within a few hours, now I’ve figured out how to get it to stay all day.

    12. viviennestreet +7

      I’m where you’re at–I maaaaybe wear lipstick….if I want to feel fancy. I hate putting on makeup, worrying over whether it’s gotten messed up during the day, and then trying to get it off at night. Nope.

      I find that I feel like I need to compensate in other areas. I don’t do makeup, so I try to make sure my hair looks nice so I can wear it down (though I also don’t put much effort into that) and cool skirts, dresses, tights, etc.

      1. Notreallydorine +3

        Yep, this is me, too. I spend a lot of time (sometimes money) on hair products but I know nothing about makeup. When my spouse and I go out (rarely), I will throw on some eyeliner, shadow, blush, but I always feel like I look weird and people are starting at my weird makeup (spouse assures me this is not true).

    13. Beakses +7

      I put my time in on the front end buying clothes that fit nice and make me feel pretty. I have never been able to convince myself that the change in my appearance from wearing makeup is worth the daily time investment, even if it takes three minutes or whatever. Plus I touch my face a lot. So I buy fancy eyeglasses and consider them sufficient face decoration. Makes the transformation a lot more dramatic when I break out the eye makeup.

    14. kateality +3

      I have been making efforts to step up my polished-professional game and this is what I do in the morning: oil-free moisturizer, concealer under eyes, powder, mascara only on the outer edges of my lashes. Lipgloss if I have a meeting or something.

      1. beaucoup1314 +2

        That’s sounds rational and doable. I have always hated the way foundation felt on my face and have gone with a colored tinted on the skin. Lipstick? Go wild.

        1. aqueousmedium +2

          I’ve also been making efforts to step up my polished-professional game recently (while being unwilling to spend more than 3 minutes on my face in the morning and also hating the way stuff feels on my face), and I bought the house brand powder foundation from Sephora along with a fancy brush – together they’ve worked very well on top of a little BB cream.

          I also bought a Bobbi Brown stick eyeshadow in a nice rosy peach that was sort of a revelation. Lipstick, however, still eludes me.

    15. Notreallydorine +11

      I cannot for the life of me figure out lipstick. I have tried so many colors, and they all either make me look sick or like I’m just a pair of walking lips with a face behind them.

    16. kayjayoh_ +6

      I like make up, specifically eye shadow and a cool lip color. But I am too much of a zombie in the morning to wear it daily. And I don’t even bother with eyeliner or mascara, because I end up looking like a rabid raccoon.

    17. autumnlorayne +8

      I didn’t wear any until I was around 25; my mom never did, and I never learned, and then I decided that it was against my principles or something…but in reality I just didn’t know how. Then finally I had a good friend teach me some stuff, and I practiced, and now I know how to wear eyeliner, mascara, and eye shadow if I want, and I do it some days but not others. Now it’s a choice! Which is cool, and makes me feel empowered, and somehow more deliberate about my appearance, even on days that I don’t wear any.

    18. Immunogirl +20

      I never know quite how to say it because it feels like I’m judging but I do not understand how other women are just so damn pretty all the time. I like make up but I can’t seem to ever understand how to apply it and I almost never wear it. And the hair! So many women I know have such shiny hair and they do it up in the prettiest ways and sometimes when I talk to them I feel like an elephant in the middle of beautiful antelopes.

      True story, when I started grad school there were a couple of women who I didn’t really hang out with because they had perfect makeup and beautiful hair and nails (and one wears pearls regularly) and I just assumed they wouldn’t want to hang out with moi. Then I got to know them and they are great and I had to realize that I was the ass who was judging people based on appearance.

      1. hawthorn_tree +5

        I went to grad school with some women who had amazing eye makeup. I was so scared of them and they were so nice! Oh, hawthorn.

    19. mittenstheboar +8

      To be honest, I think a lot of Toasties (ahem–well, me) watched Jane Marie’s How To videos on the Hairpin and were forever changed.

    20. hawthorn_tree +2

      Haha, I’m terrible at makeup. I have several lipsticks (which do not stay on my lips for very long even when I put lipstick primer on underneath, please share your secrets lipstick experts), one eyeliner which I am trying to learn how to use, and one eyebrow powder thing which I love. And some bb cream I rub on my face occasionally.

    21. exitpursuedbyaclaire +2

      Me me me. I learned the very basics of make-up for my first office job, but with that job and the next, after the first few months, I gave up on even that. My skin is ridiculously oily, and the makeup didn’t seem to be helping anything. I do enjoy wearing makeup on rare special occasions, but special occasions usually include family and/or friends who are happy to help beautify my face.)

    22. Ivans_Sister +5

      I own zero makeup, and have not in about…20 years? I have no desire to learn, and while I suspect at some point my skin is going to go kaput and I’ll want some sort of foundation (like I was considering maybe thinking about BB cream or some jazz) I haven’t gotten there at age 42. It just doesn’t interest me in the slightest.

    23. fiddlergirl +5

      me me me. You are not alone. I like femme things (increasingly so, actually) and I literally wear no makeup ever. I don’t know how to wear it, choose it, anything. I never learned, and I’m a little bummed because I would kind of like it as an option for looking glamorous and dramatic, but realistically I don’t know if I’ll ever put in the effort to learn.

    24. caatness +4

      Oof. My identity as a femme has been destroyed by the presence of a two year old who barely allows me time for things like peeing alone and answering Toast posts. make-up almost never happens anymore and i recently discovered, that after a lifetime of competence with performance-level make up, I now feel very inexperienced and unskilled.

      My someday-plan is to watch lots of fun youtube videos and read Kevin Aucoin books and practice like a damn teenager. Make-up is a lot like any craftsy thing. It’s practice and having a vision you want to make happen.

      For more complicated stuff, you can always hit up an upscale department store, bring in pictures or a pinterest board with a look you want, and ask a make-up artist to help you piece it together. You are not obligated to buy what they use (though I would get at least something, probably) and if you hate it, try with someone else another time.

      And you know what? If you don’t feel like it’s worth it, you are under no obligation to wear a speck of make-up. Naked faces are gorgeous and interesting, too.

    25. Contessa

      I love femme things (Dresses forever, pants never!) but only own three items of makeup–lipstick, foundation, and mascara–and rarely wear all three at the same time. I would love to wear lots of makeup & have fancy makeup skills, but it’s just not in the budget. Every few months I fill up a Sephora.com cart with $200 worth of prettiness and then abandon it. Forgive me, sweet lipsticks and highlighters!

    26. Heathered +2

      On the very rare occasions when I do wear makeup, I tend to sweat so fiercely that a small painting of my face goes sliding down my neck and inside my shirt somewhere. It doesn’t work well for me, but I salute those who enjoy it.

    27. cheekypinky +5

      Oh, honey, no! Makeup is such an intensely personal decision, and if it isn’t your bag, that’s totally okay!

      If you’re interested in wearing makeup, stick with the simple stuff (tinted moisturizer, blush, mascara, lipgloss) until it becomes easy, then try a new thing until you figure out your style.

      And if you realize that you still *just don’t like it*, you’re still totally okay, and you will never be a lesser woman because of it, I promise. *hug*

    28. dameacademyalumna +1

      I’m a sucker for some many femme things but makeup is not my strong suit. For many reasons, I was never able to learn how to do it and I’m a bit embarrassed to ask. I’ve tried asking questions online before but people always assume a baseline knowledge that I just don’t have. 🙁

      Right now, my biggest struggle is my skin tone. I’d have a much easier time ordering online but some products are a bit expensive and I don’t want to order several shades before getting it right. Do companies ever send samples if you ask? I tried this with one but they didn’t even reply to my email.

      Based on the very little I know, I think you’re supposed to add stuff to your face before putting the more visible cosmetics on (like putting on primer, using a lip pencil to keep your lipstick contained).

      Have you ever tried BBCreams? I’m so daunted by the amount of foundations and concealers that I might start there when I get around to giving cosmetics another chance.

      Other Toasties, is it actually acceptable to skip those things entirely and have just been lied to?

      1. lbolesta +2

        I think it’s safe to say that we’ve all been lied to about cosmetics at some point. I ordered a sample pack of BB cream (Skin9, maybe?) on Amazon and it was a great starting point, except that of course the one I liked best is not available in full size, at least in this country. One thing I learned through trial and error, for me it did not work great to mix BB cream with moisturizer to thin it out. It was better to put moisturizer on first and then go in with the BB cream. Makeup is hard–try different combos on yourself. If something is a pain in the ass, skip it!

  73. currentundersea +15

    Any of you have clingy friends who don’t quite understand boundaries? Any tips on how to preserve boundaries? I have a former good friend who, while she used to be quite sweet, is very manipulative and tends to say things like “because I did X for you, you have to do Y for me.” As time has gone on, she has gone on to accuse me of being a bad friend for things like (A) not getting her a frappuccinno right this instance and (B) not being able to read her mind and anticipate her needs. It’s gotten to the point where I feel anxious being in her presence and seeing her name pop up on my phone. But I cannot avoid her altogether because we are in the same cohort and this department isn’t big enough for me not to see her at all. I’ve been kind of pulling away for the past few weeks but I’m not sure it’s working.

    2. currentundersea +8

      More here: so she had a tonsillectomy recently, which she keeps on calling “major surgery,” and has been using that to get things and help: “I had major surgery, so you need to do everything I tell you to.” and then accusing people of being indifferent to her pain/insensitive when they can’t pick up stuff like popsicles that she has cravings for and wants instantly. It’s gotten to hilarious levels of inability to keep boundaries, because I took up an offer to get a ride from her yesterday and we stopped by the co-op grocery store on the way back. I bought some tortellini and we checked out separately, as one does. She drops me off at my house and starts rummaging in MY grocery bag, and I asked her what she was doing. Her: oh i thought one of them was mine

      not even a joke!

      1. 30Litresof +7

        Ok, that’s worse than my situation. The obvious thing I guess is that you need to talk to her about it – it’s not viable for you to keep hanging out if seeing her name pop up on your phone makes you anxious (and I’ve been there). It’s pretty reasonable of you to be upset about this, any other friends who known her you could get on side for moral support?

        1. currentundersea +7

          I have a few friends in the same situation as her, and we’re all in the same program. I think I need to have a talk with her soon as she keeps on saying stuff like how I’m the only one she has to talk to about stuff, which makes me feel so horrible and guilty. But I don’t know how to approach it. Earlier this week another friend also told her she needed space and she completely freaked out and did not take it well.

          1. leslieellenjones +6

            On the other hand, if she suddenly has an avalanche of people telling her they need space, maybe it will start to sink in that she is the problem?

        2. Ethylbenzene +21

          Nooooo don’t approach her saying “I’ve talked to everyone else and they agree with me.” That is only going to fuel her martyr complex and create a shitstorm of drama.

          The only think you really can do, Abby, is set boundaries and enforce consequences. Do some reading on Captain Awkward, and then have a really uncomfortable conversation where you say “it makes me uncomfortable when you ask me to do so many favors for you and expect me to take care of you, so I’m taking a break from helping you out for a while, good luck.” And then she will whine and manipulate and ask whyyyyyy and it will suck, and you will have to do this incredibly weird-feeling thing where you repeat yourself over and over and then extricate yourself from the conversation and block her in all venues until you are ready to talk to her again. When that happens, only talk to her when YOU call/text/email and only agree to things you feel ok about.

          It’s weird, and awkward, and hard, and your face is gonna feel really hot and like its the wrong size but then you’ll have peace and quiet for as long as you want.

    3. Bryn (Plus Others) +20

      Have you read Captain Awkward about this sort of thing? Because this woman sounds like a prime candidate for the African Violet of ending friendships. I do hear you can’t avoid her altogether, but the way she is behaving is *ridiculous* and there is absolutely no reason AT ALL for you to put up with it.

        1. sednarea51 +17

          ohhh noooooooooo
          it sounds like it might be the time to very quietly redo the locks and not give her a new set?

      3. aberkoff +6

        Seconding the read Captain Awkward suggestion.
        There was a relevant column very recently, I think! here it is: http://captainawkward.com/2016/04/05/850-the-unbe…

        Also, I’ve found this older column on attachment styles pretty useful before: http://captainawkward.com/2013/08/26/508-509-frie…

        also, I don’t know how viable this is for you, but my student health insurance is pretty awesome about covering therapy, and if yours is too, I highly recommend it.

        Obviously, therapy is great just because it’s great to have someone to help you work out your life shit, but another useful benefit of my starting therapy was that now when friends try to use me as their emotional crutch, it’s easy for me to say, “hey, you should try therapy,” and have it come across as, “I discovered this really awesome thing that’s helping me and I bet it would help you too!” instead of, “your crazy is too much for me to handle.”

      4. sednarea51 +2

        Thank you so much for this link. I have heard the African violet of friendship breakups mentioned before, but I am just now reading it and it is so reassuring and clarifying. I talk a big game in the comment below but friendship breakups are /so hard/.

    4. sednarea51 +4

      Ooof, that sounds like a bear. You are entirely reasonable to want to set boundaries; she is being really demanding and unreasonable.

      Can I refer you to the emotional labor piece here in the Toast http://the-toast.net/2015/07/13/emotional-labor/ ? It sounds like she is really taking advantage of your desire to please her (or at least not be abused by her). She’s making your responsible for all her desires and wishes and bad feelings, and that’s not at all fair.

      One thing that’s worked for me is to say- politely and firmly- what I’m willing to do. Then /stick to it/. She will cry and blame you and call you a bad person, because she’s not getting what she wants anymore. Repeat yourself- politely, firmly- as many times as necessary. Consider your decision as an abstract, unchangeable object, like the weather. If she lashes out, that reflects poorly on her and her behavior, NOT you.

      And good luck. This is so goddamned hard to stick to, but good people will not treat you like this. Minimize the negative impact she has on your life. Your time and regard is valuable- spend it on people who support you, not drain you.

      1. Ethylbenzene +12

        I wanted to emphasize this part of what you said:
        “This is so goddamned hard to stick to, but good people will not treat you like this.”

        Good people will hear “sorry, I can’t do that for you” and say “oh ok thanks for letting me know,” and will find a way to get the thing done without you. Bad, manipulative people will try to argue, plead, guilt, gaslight, and bully you into doing it anyway. It’s so weird, and disorienting, and that’s why the right thing to do is be a broken record.

      2. caatness +4

        “Consider your decision as an abstract, unchangeable object, like the weather. If she lashes out, that reflects poorly on her and her behavior, NOT you. ”

        Wonderful.

    5. mittenstheboar +3

      Seconding the Captain Awkward rec. I’m sure she has a lot of great qualities and there was good reason for you to be friends before, but maybe it’s time to take a step back.

  74. kaylaelisabethblog +16

    I’m preparing to run my first 5K (I’m a super couch potato.) and i’m starting to stress over it. I have several months, but tips are appreciated.

    1. Pacific_Midwest +6

      good luck! it’ll be fun! I try to set small goals for myself, i.e. my goal is always to finish and to not sh*t my pants. the one mistake I see new runners making is not checking your blind spot. if you’re planning to stop and walk, be aware if there are people behind you. same if you are planning to pass someone else. what I always like to do is find someone who is running at a good pace for me to follow, and then pass them at the very end (that way I get to WIN even though they didn’t know we were competing). Also: have awesome plans for brunch afterwards, because you earned it.

      1. Alli525 +2

        I wish more people checked their blind spots in general. (I live in NYC, where people don’t even look in FRONT of them when they’re walking, so.)

    2. mikewein +5

      I ran my first 5k two years ago. You will start out too fast. Everyone will tell you to be careful and not to go out to fast. You will still go out too fast. And then be passed by middle school kids at the end.

      The other thing is try not to stress out about it too much (much easier said than done). After training a lot, and running the whole way during practices, I stopped to walk twice during the race. And still hit my all time Personal fastest time.

      Lastly remember, that no matter how bad and miserable you feel at the 4k mark, as soon as you cross the finish line, you will be saying “That was horrible, when can I do it again”

  75. 30Litresof +24

    I know I’m too late to the party for anyone to notice but I need to vent – someone I have been giving A LOT of emotional support to for the past few months told me today that she doesn’t think I’m sympathetic enough to her problems. This is when I spend so much time listening to her worries and issues – and I’m happy to do so! She needs emotional support! Her life has been more difficult than mine! – and apparently this isn’t enough. It all comes from the fact that she will get into an anxiety spiral and send me endless streams of texts, and we have agreed that I don’t need to reply to those. Most of the time, she comes round by the time I’ve even noticed one text. Now she says it makes her angry that I don’t reply.

    Consider that there have been time when she’s been in the middle of one of these, and I’ve said ‘Actually I’m too sad today to give you advice’ and she just carries on regardless. No wait, she’ll say ‘I’m sorry you’re sad’ and then carry on, not getting the quite obvious, I think, implication that I need some time without thinking about her! And then she gets angry when I don’t reply.

    Anyway, we are having A Talk about this tomorrow, so we’ll see how that goes.

    2. currentundersea +3

      I really hope the talk goes well! I am having the same/similar situation happen. Clearly you need boundaries and she is not respecting them. Do you think it might lead to a “friend break up”?

      1. 30Litresof +2

        I don’t think so because one thing she is good at is talking through problems, and while she can be crazy, she is well aware that she’s crazy and when she takes a step back, she’s good at recognising what she’s done wrong. She is also usually fine in person – it’s just over text etc that she gets like this. I think we’ll be fine after the talk.

    3. Bryn (Plus Others) +6

      Good luck with your talk. This is *definitely* not friend behaviour. It is one thing to ask for someone to meet your needs, or to bring up that someone is not meeting them, and another thing to *attack* someone about it. Not friend behaviour!

      1. 30Litresof +6

        She did then immediately say ‘I really appreciate your advice and you are a good and supportive friend’, so she knows she fucked up. She has spent most of her life assuming that everyone else is perfect and she is the only one who fails at everything (even though she doesn’t fail at everything) and has only just realised that it is OK to say that someone has made you feel bad – she just doesn’t quite know how to go about it yet, and also when it’s on you that an interaction with someone made you sad and when it’s on them.

        1. Bryn (Plus Others) +1

          Oh yes, that is very hard. I am not always good at that myself, although I have been lucky to have friends who will point it out and help me sit through the shame spiral that ensues so I can get out the other side, admit I messed up, and try to do better. It sounds like your friend is also working that through, so good luck to her and good for you in supporting her through it while keeping your own boundaries! That is the best thing a friend can do IMO.

        2. catatatatat +1

          Another thing to consider, which is separate-but-related: what other sources of support does she have? What kind of plan can she put together for difficult times? Clearly texting you with you not replying is not working, so when she’s having a terrible time could she text a listening service number (Lifeline, Samaritans)? What other sources of support can she draw on?

          This is not for you to decide- she’ll have to work out what will work for her- but it could also help frame the discussion. You’re not a counsellor, you have good days and bad days too, and there is a limit to the support you can give so how can you both make sure that your emotional needs are looked after?

  76. kilks401 +98

    In sports related news, apparently Bomani Jones got told to cover up this shirt while on air on ESPN. Pretty bold to wear this on air where you work,

    5. Ivans_Sister +13

      I just saw this on Deadspin and I love it (and him) so much. I only know his name from my sports twitter, but don’t know anything about him, but this is a great start.

      1. depizan +4

        It’s from Shelf Life Clothing, but their site’s been crashed from all the traffic.

    7. caatness +5

      Depending on which show, it might have been perfectly fine and fitting for the context.

  77. goonerkate +7

    Any Toasties watch The Flash? I just started it last week (thank you Supergirl crossover for making me realize I definitely needed it in my life) and I’m kind of in love? I’m almost done with season 1, but it is pretty pretty great.

    1. awnutts +3

      I recently started Arrow, and now I’m midway though Arrow S3/Flash S1. I’m alternating Flash episode/Arrow episode, so I see them in the order they aired. I like the Flash, but compared with Arrow it’s just filler. There are so! many! cool! women in Arrow. And the two main women in Flash are dullsville for me.

      But…am I going to have to start watching Supergirl now? Because I watched about the first 4 episodes and I really wasn’t feeling it.

      1. goonerkate +1

        Arrow is next, I watched the first few episodes live, but it was too broody for me. I’m kind of over dark moody superheroes. (That’s why I love both The Flash and Supergirl, they are both pretty optimistic.) I’ll have to give Arrow another shot though, because yeah, definitely not the most layered women in The Flash (the most interesting one is just the girl from Arrow that pops in once in a while).

        If interesting powerful women are important in a show, you definitely need to watch Supergirl. It can be pretty cheesy, and kind of on the nose/smacking you in the face with its feminism, but I love it so much. It’s steadily improved as the characters get more depth, too. It’s definitely a throwback to brighter and sillier superhero stuff (which is why I love it. The Nolan Batmans are some of my favorite movies, but they created a monster), but if that works for you, it’s for sure worth a shot.

        1. awnutts +3

          Yes! Felicity is so fun! Felicity is the reason I watch the show! I think that I like Arrow being dark, because it doesn’t give a lot of time to Oliver brooding. And when he does, Felicity or Diggle call him out. (Or maybe they do give it time and I ignore it, because I think Oliver is the least interesting character on the show.) I also hate broody superheros–This is the reason I don’t like Angel. 

          The only thing I have heard about Supergirl since I stopped watching it was that Supergirl was kissed by Jeremy Jordan and was like, “Dude, no.” And then Jeremy Jordan turned into a big baby about his man feelings not returned and Supergirl had to APOLOGIZE to HIM. So that was the moment I decided I did not need to give the show a second chance.
          On the other hand, I do love Laura Benanti.

          1. goonerkate +3

            I thought they handled the manfeels nonsense relatively well (but it might just be because of the extremely low bar pop culture has set for handling that kind of thing). She didn’t waver on the fact that she wasn’t interested in him at all, she didn’t date him out of obligation (and nobody told her she should). Her apology was more “bummer that you’re sad” because she’s impossibly nice than “I apologize because I’m in the wrong for not returning your feelings.” And after a couple episodes, he got over his shit, they got to be friends again, and we don’t have to watch his stupid pining anymore. So not great, but better handled than some shows? (Again, I have a pretty low bar on this one.)

          2. awnutts +1

            I did not watch the storyline in question, so I am happy to accept your explanation. I wasn’t exactly up in arms about it, but I was like, “Well, I guess I don’t have to worry about making time for that show.”

      2. ofTrebond +2

        Yeah, I watched half the first season of the Flash and am really not impressed by the treatment of women. The woman who works in the lab (I watched this like two weeks ago so I’ve forgotten all the names) has some fun moments. I hate the treatment of the love interest though–I’m so bored of the endless man pining story line we’ve seen a thousand times before, and the thing where everyone in her life lies to her “to protect her” but actually puts her in danger, aarrgh.

        I’m not much for dark & broody and so haven’t watched the Arrow, but I do like Felicity.

  79. anonamouse +10

    Going anon for privacy.
    I have some weird health problems, mostly of the painful joints that sprain if the wind blows wrong variety. Over the last few months, I’ve had major trouble swallowing, like i just chocked on my breakfast 3 times. Doctors have tended to blow me off with saying it’s all because of my anxiety.

    Well, then I remembered that my mother is being evaluated for pseudohypoparathyroidism (say that 5 tims fast). Which google tells me is genetic and autosomal dominant. And that my weird ass symptoms, right down to the chronic vitamin d deficiency, match.

    So how do I find a doctor who is willing to check out the right things, and not blow me off as a nutbar? Cause if this is why my body hates me, then it seems easy to manage.

    1. sednarea51 +1

      oh wow, that is tough! I’m sorry you and you mom have to deal with that. BODIES.

      If possible, I would try to find a doctor who specializes in the condition; a geneticist or an endocrinologist may be your best bet. This sounds like a pretty rare disease, and you’ll probably have more success getting diagnosed and treated if you can find someone who’s trained to recognize it. If possible, I might also contact your mom’s doctor(s) and ask them for advice about referrals; they may know or be able to recommend someone in your area.

      When going to the doc, don’t hesitate to be upfront about your concerns. You have good reason to want a careful evaluation of your symptoms! And even if your symptoms are solely due to anxiety, you have the right to have those symptoms addressed. Trouble swallowing can be dangerous! You have to swallow to keep your airway clear and to eat enough to maintain nutrition. A good doctor will address those issues or refer you to someone who can, not just send you out into the wilderness going “anxiety lol, not my problem”.

      Best of luck to you both!

    2. awnutts +8

      I don’t have any experience with this in particular, but being assertive! Go into your doctor’s office and say, “My mothers is being evaluated for this condition. It seems possible that I have it, and I want to be tested/evaluated.” If your doctor won’t do that, or seems to only do it reluctantly and seems not to care, ask for a referral. (I’d particularly recommend asking for a referral to a woman doctor.)

      Don’t worry about protecting the doctor’s feelings. You are allowed to say something as blunt as, “You don’t seem to take this condition or my concerns seriously. Can you please give me a referral to someone who will? Maybe someone with more experience in genetic conditions?” Will the doctor possibly be annoyed? Maybe, but who cares! It’s your body and your health and you deserve good care.

      (I know insurance and finances can make this harder, so it’s not always super easy. But you deserve good health care no matter what!)

    3. dakimel +3

      I presume you & your mom aren’t in the same area, so you can’t go to her doctors? Is there a specialist she’s seeing who’s doing her testing? If so, find one in your area. Or call up her dr office to see if they have a referral to someone in your area. Or google her dr or anyone who’s published about pseudohypoparathyroidism and see if there are organizations / conferences they belong to, and jump down that rabbit hole to search for someone in your area.

      I’m sorry you’re going through the weird health stuff – and the bad doctor stuff. I wish you the best for both.

    4. askelade +7

      This is not a super-uncommon condition, so all you need is to go to basically any Endocrinologist. Depending on your health coverage, you can either just look one up on your own, or ask your usual provider for a referral. awnutts’s script (“My mothers is being evaluated for this condition. It seems possible that I have it, and I want to be tested/evaluated.”) is spot-on. NO ONE is going to think that you’re coming in just because of WebMD or hypochondria. If they do (because sexism? maybe!) just calmly say “I know it’s a long shot, but I’d really like to have this evaluated given my family history.” If they’re still a jerk about it, switch providers.

    5. leslieellenjones +1

      If you’re not in the same area as your mom (which I’m assuming is the case), ask her to ask her doctor for a recommendation of someone in the field who’s accessible to you.

    6. sarawr +2

      I know it’s more likely to be pseudohypoparathyroidism because your mom has it, but I just wanted to wave a little flag and tell you that this is exactly how my scleroderma symptoms began. An ANA test and CREST evaluation might not go amiss while you’re having other testing done.

    7. extrayarn +2

      As someone who has had thyroid issues, I would ask around for an endocrinologist who sees a lot of thyroid patients. Many of them do more diabetes work. Which doesn’t mean they don’t know about thyroids, but you want the person who’s spent their time going to the thyroid talks at the endocrinology conferences, you know?

  80. moecoko +9

    Hello Toasties! I need decision making help. I am currently pregnant w/ my first babychild and am trying to figure out my work plans or stay at home plans once this human arrives. I currently work at a job I like, but don’t love – but it is in the field that I went to grad school for. My husband has a great job w/ pretty significant growth potential, so financially we’d be okay if I wanted to stay home. (I definitely get that I am super lucky to actually have this problem – and be able to make my own choice about what I want to do).

    But how do you know if you are cut out to stay at home with a kid and not go crazy? How do you decide to leave your career – and will I ever get hired if I want to go back in a couple years? I don’t want to spend 11 hours a day away from the baby just to work at a job that is okay but not like a dream job. ideally, I would work 2-3 days a week, with a work from home option for part of it. But that doesn’t seem to be an option for my current role. Will other feminist friends judge me for choosing to stay home rather than try to do it all? SO MANY QUESTIONS!

    1. InsertCoolNameHere +4

      Congratulations on your upcoming arrival. I was in a very similiar situation. I ultimately decided to stay home, and I wound up going back to work full time when the first baby was six and the second one was two. I am eternally grateful for the six years I got to be home, but I definitely felt the urge to go back around that time.

      The best thing I can say is to keep in touch with work friends/colleagues to maintain those connections, and choose what you have in your heart for now. This is going to sound trite, and I wish someone had told me this when I was a new mother, but no choice is wrong. Work will be there! Kids are fine with a nanny and daycare, they have a mom that loves them no matter where her physical body is during the day!

      Best of luck to you!!!

      1. moecoko +3

        Thanks for that. I like the option to just choose what is in my heart for now – ha and now I just have to be sure about what that is!

    2. mittenstheboar +8

      oh hi just hopping on this thread because I will also need this advice. But sidenote–I hope your feminist friends don’t judge you. We are people with choices, and if you choose to stay home, high five.

      1. moecoko +4

        You are totally right – no one SHOULD judge any other person’s parenting choices. I just have to remember to high five myself for whatever I decide! But I really wish there were more resources/information out there to help with making this decision. Good luck to you!

    3. caatness +7

      You’re becoming a parent. Everyone will judge you for everything for forever, including after your death. Make decisions for you and your family, and screw what everyone else thinks.

      Re: working versus staying at home… that is a tough choice, and I like your ideas on splitting the difference if you can make it work. You might just have to experiment to find out what you and your little one really need. I feel lucky for being at home with my little one and it has been a boon in ways I did not anticipate, though to be candid, if my health permitted, I would have been working again already. It’s hard to reintegrate and childcare is scary. Still, I personally intend to take on what I can for work as she gets into school and has some structure outside the house. It’s hard to do both and have space for sleeping and eating and survival stuff. I found it difficult to manage my identity with the loss of outside work as well as the adaptation of the baby’s dependency and the massive influx of judgment from the rest of the world regarding Who Mothers Are Supposed To Be, but I was pretty driven and committed to my career out of passion, so YMMV.

      Whatever you do, you have time and opportunity to change your mind and do things differently.

    4. cheekypinky +2

      You are also not a Bad Mother if you choose to stay with your job–everyone in your family is allowed to be a priority, including you.

  82. firstmute +20

    In the past five days since we decided we’re moving across the country at the end of the month, I have given notice at our current apartment, found and signed a lease on a house, called approximately eleventy hundred daycares, booked a moving company, withdrawn my daughter from kindergarten, spent two hours on the phone with Delta buying plane tickets, planned my husband’s drive, and taken my daughter to the emergency room (she’s fine). I’m tired. And very excited about the move!

    1. wallofillusion +5

      That is incredibly impressive. I could do maybe one of those things in a week! And you did them all in five days! I hope your move goes smoothly.

      1. firstmute +6

        And yet, here I am feeling guilty that I haven’t gotten more done. I blame my mother, who could probably have accomplished that list (and kept the house clean) in two days.

        1. LaxMom +2

          You know, I think we have the same mom. Good luck on your move! Go eat some post-ER chocolate. I recommend the kind with lavender in.

        2. dakimel +5

          In the eight days since we decided to move across town (though, granted, not until August), I’ve:
          * gathered one of six required documents for kid2’s new school
          * thrown out two stuffed garbage bags of stuff from various closets & drawers
          * stuffed six garbage bags of donations into kid1’s room (he’s off at college)
          * whined a ton

          You are amazing and productive!

  83. LacaunaKale +4

    You guys. You guyss.
    I know this is ancient by internet standards, but I fell into a rabbit hole yesterday reading about Geshe Michael Roach, and his former wife/goddess. http://www.rollingstone.com/culture/news/sex-and-…
    And I started reading a book (Death on Diamond Mountain) about the whole thing last night.
    Caves, constant touching, the Dali Lama. I can’t even.

  84. rolotomassi5 +4

    Anyone else actually kind of pumped to see Hardcore Henry?

    The reviews keep mentioning “dumb unrelenting action” and referencing Crank 2: High Voltage. Sign me the fuck up!

    1. Maxine of Arc +2

      Isn’t Tim Roth in that? Because if so, I’m 80% more hype. But I’m already a little bit hype.

      1. rolotomassi5 +2

        Yes he is! Also Sharlto Copley, who has a history of being the best part of bad movies.

  85. sabinabemani +19

    I decided to leverage my lifetime of doodling in margins into making an adult coloring book! So far I have 2 pages, with intricate flourishes and designs around teacups. While the idea appeals, I don’t know if I can do an entire book of teacups. Who here colors? What kinds of things would you want to color?

    1. Bryn (Plus Others) +4

      We discovered the adult colouring books right before Christmas and got very enthusiastic and received a ton of them as gifts, so we are definitely into the colouring thing. And teacups would be right up our alley, actually. We have a fascination for colouring everyday things, like dishes and curtains and clothes and so forth. Book covers. 🙂 Things that in the world are often very many colours but one cannot make oneself, if that makes sense? I feel like I’m not saying this clearly.

      1. sabinabemani +5

        Dude that actually makes a lot of sense. That’s the sort of thing I would like to color myself: things that I don’t have the skills to make for myself, but have ideas of what I want the things to look like? I would be all over a coloring book, for example, of dresses because I have design ideas but can’t sew. It’s nice to know that I have company in this curiously specific urge!!

        1. Bryn (Plus Others) +6

          Yes, that is exactly it! And with making real dresses there would be money and material considerations and what would actually look good on this body and all of that, but when I colour I can just make things that look how I want them to look.

          That is definitely part of what appeals to me about tea cups, too; there is so much beautiful china out there in the world that I cannot own (and would probably not *really* want to own, it would take up space and be fragile!) but when I look at pictures of china on pinterest then I want to go colour teacups. 🙂

          This also goes into odd things like … you know how boxes of mainstream tea have sort of twee pictures of flowers and houses and bears and stuff on them? That kind of thing. Shampoo bottles, and boxes of fancy cookies and things like that. I suspect if our early life had been very different we might have ended up doing product illustration or something like that.

          1. sabinabemani +5

            OMG I would be so excited to design gorgeous packaging for tea and soaps and shampoo and things. Now I’m imagining a coloring page with a lovely intricately-patterned china plate stacked with a couple of small cookies and maybe some cherries or strawberries, with a pretty cup of tea next to it, against a backdrop of a nicely illustrated cookie tin…

          2. Bryn (Plus Others) +5

            Please do this thing, and if you would be willing to keep me in the loop at the point I can give you money for this, I am brynplusplus at gmail — because I would hate to miss this if I am not on an OT for a few weeks!

          5. sabinabemani +2

            *blush blush* Thank you so much!!

            I feel so motivated right now and sadly have a few more hours of my Muggle job, and then errands, before I can go draw all the things.

          8. Heathered +2

            Wow, I love this and would 100% be into the ideas described above. Tea and elevenses, a little towel folded on the table alongside, house keys in a dish by the door. All the little things of every day life. (Before I saw the example I was thinking “fractals” bc I also like repetitive patterning, but phbblt–do what you’re doing, it’s beautiful.

    2. MopRocks +5

      Tea snacks? Cute little cakes and saucers for them to sit on? Cats that curl up in your lap while you drink tea? Okay, I want this coloring book. It sound soothing and adorable.

      1. Bryn (Plus Others) +4

        Tea snacks definitely! Cakes! Plates of fruit! Cupcakes! Macarons! I would *totally* colour macarons.

      2. sabinabemani +3

        I will definitely need to have snacks on hand for me to munch on while drawing this… the idea of drawing yummy food when I have none to eat is a special kind of masochism that’s beyond even me. 😀

    3. elsajeni +5

      Teacups sound great to me! I also really like Bryn (Plus Others)’s suggestion of other sort of everyday things like furniture and outfits — I am picturing, like, room scenes where I get to color the chair and the drapery and the rug. I prefer coloring things over coloring abstract swirly designs, so something like that would be way more up my alley than most of the current crop of adult coloring books.

      1. sabinabemani +7

        Ooooh…. interior decoration? Pretty and well-furnished rooms to color? Ok I am all over this. 😀

        1. elsajeni +8

          Yes! This sounds perfect to me, it would be an outlet for my desire to build perfect Sims houses and then never actually let any Sims live in them and mess them up.

          2. sabinabemani +4

            LOL! That is literally the only thing I ever did in The Sims- designed their houses and maybe designed outfits for them to wear, but didn’t really care to watch them live in the houses or control their lives.

      2. Bryn (Plus Others) +4

        Do you have the mid-century modern designs book from Dover? That is my favourite ‘things’ colouring book — the Secret Paris/Secret Tokyo/etc also have good pages of things but they are laid out landscape so you can’t copy them easily and the paper is too thin for markers so I am annoyed with them right now.

        1. sabinabemani +2

          I do not. Actually I only have two coloring books- the Enchanted Forest one (awesome) and a Harry Potter one (also awesome, haven’t started yet). I will have to check these out! And I hadn’t considered paper thickness: I usually use colored pencils so it’s never been an issue for me, but I will keep that in mind for those who prefer markers. 🙂

          1. Bryn (Plus Others) +2

            I am sure it would up the price a lot (although if you are doing print on demand people can figure it out for themselves) but the Dover colouring books are done on thicker paper and single-sided, so each page is separate. I like coloured pencils a lot but along with all the colouring books we got a really nice set of prismacolour makers which blend amazingly beautifully, so books we can use those on are lovely.

    4. dakimel +6

      I do a bit of coloring. For years I sustained my joy of coloring by coloring in all the maps for my kids’ school projects, but those days ended just in time for the adult coloring book revolution. My two books are 1 of gardens/the occasional butterfly or bug or bird, and 1 of city or streetscapes.

      With teacups, you can also go full tea party, fancy table settings, a vase of flowers, an interesting sideboard full of dishes, candlesticks, a cozy reading chair, a bowl of fruit next to a teapot, etc.

      Sounds like a fun and fulfilling project – good luck! Post more, esp when you’re done!

      1. sabinabemani +5

        OK YOU JUST GAVE ME SO MANY IDEAS I CAN’T EVEN. Candlesticks. Sideboards. A chair with a book balanced on the arm and a cat curled up on the seat, with an exquisite lamp at just the right reading-light angle, and a side table with a cup of tea and a croissant.

        1. dakimel +5

          You are drawing my ideal solitude lifestyle. Don’t forget all the cozy throws

          And tiny pots of jam for the croissant

    5. Sisyphus_Cog +8

      A kitchen window with stained glass suncatchers in it, flower vase and maybe some towels/scrubby things nearby.

    6. catatatatat +5

      Seconding everyone else’s ideas of soothing homey things. Maybe also little garden scenes? A tiny green nook with a chair and a little table/stool with a pot of tea on it, a lovely clovery groundcover, different textures of plants. Light streaming through lacey curtains in a kitchen with pots hanging off the walls. Bookshelves with weird vases and sculptures.

  86. missteenwordpower +16

    SOOOOO I’ve been at this new job for about seven months and had the opportunity to apply for my boss’s job, as she has been promoted to HER boss’s job. And then they called me for a phone screen, which I assumed was a courtesy because I work here, and then I had an hour-long panel interview, which was altogether too demanding to be a courtesy, and I just got emailed re: a SECOND interview? WHAT IS HAPPENING. I also love my job and am not even sure I want this job? But I do want my career to develop after two years of total stall? Also more dollars for my tiny son and researcher husband would be nice?

    1. mikewein +4

      I have found from people I know going through things like this is that sometimes companies have policies of doing the whole interview routine, even if they have an internal candidate (like you), they already want to promote. But they have to go through the whole rigmarole for appearances.

  87. laurenipsum +31

    I am leaving for New York on Sunday! We will be gone a WHOLE WEEK! We are seeing Hamilton on Saturday the 16th!!!!!! We are trying not to have anxiety about leaving the farm, and mostly succeeding!

    What other NYC things should we do? On the list: Highline, library, Greenmarket, fish market?, Spotted Pig, possibly a Momofuku. Will be staying in Brooklyn (airbnb tbd) for a few nights and then with a friend quite near Central Park for a few nights.

    3. actualmeg +2

      Where in Brooklyn are you looking at staying? I might be able to give neighborhood-appropriate recs.

      Your activity choices look pretty solid (although, full disclosure: I have never been to the fish market and don’t know anyone who has, so cannot comment). I would also add the Met if you are at all interested in art, and I also have a soft spot for the Natural History Museum (which also has an A+ planetarium show). Other than that, do a lot of walking around! Go somewhere that is not midtown! (Chinatown, the East Village, and the LES are all reasonably interesting wandering neighborhoods with a lot of food options.)

      1. laurenipsum +1

        Not sure yet re: Brooklyn — do you have thoughts?

        OH yes I forgot about the Natural History Museum — there is an archaeopteryx exhibit right now and the spouse has a fairly large archaeopteryx tattoo on his arm, so that seemed like a good fit. I can ‘t tell from the website whether it is super kid-focused though.

        1. actualmeg +2

          The Williamsburg/Bushwick area definitely has a lot going on re: hipster nightlife, but it can also be loud, so YMMV. I prefer south Brooklyn–I mean, I live here, so I am biased–but I doubt there’ll be many Airbnb options once you get south of Prospect Park. (Which is fine, because if you’re planning on doing a lot of stuff in Manhattan it might be a pain to get to.)

          Maybe Fort Greene or Clinton Hill? You’d be close to the subway at Atlantic/Barclays (2, 3, 4, 5, B, D, N, Q, R), from which you can get pretty much anywhere.

    4. Alli525 +4

      Definitely the Met… if the weather is nice then go to the Cloisters too/instead.

      I have never done the double-decker tour buses, but I have several friends who have been fully informed that when they come to visit me, we will 100% be doing this.

      The World Trade Center is worth visiting IMO, although I have some ethical issues with the museum/gift shop/tourist trap part – just seeing the waterfalls and the building was enough for me… plus if you have time to walk around that area, you can find places like Trinity Church, where firefighters slept between shifts (you can still see the indents their buckles made on the wooden pews) – very moving.

      While you’re downtown, go to Battery Park and just stare at the Statue of Liberty for a little while. The park has a bunch of different monuments, actually, and it’s also where the Staten Island Ferry (and Statue ferry) run from. The Staten Island Ferry is 100% free, so if you like boat rides I recommend that.

      Chinatown/Little Italy, which are right next to each other, have amazing markets and food.

      Viniero’s in the East Village is the best bakery in town.

      uhh… that’s all I have off the top of my head – basically a list of my favorite spots in the city.

      1. Alli525 +2

        Oh and many people have argued with me on this over the years, but IMO the best bagel spot in town is David’s Bagels on 1st Avenue and 14th (maybe 15th?) Street.

    5. annacardea +3

      Brooklyn Bridge Park! (http://www.brooklynbridgepark.org/) Especially if the weather is nice. It’s a gorgeous park on the East River and from most places in the park you can see the Statue of Liberty, Ellis Island, and all of downtown Manhattan. It’s crowded on the weekends, but this time of year you’d have it practically to yourself during the week. It’s absolutely gorgeous and one of my favorite places in the city to hang out and explore.

      Many of the city museums have a pay-what-you-wish option, including the Met and the Natural History museums. This doesn’t include any of their special exhibits (or IMAX, planetarium, etc), but is a great option since both of those museums are huge even without any extras.

      If you have ancestors who came through Ellis Island, it’s a wonderful tour. You need to buy tickets for the ferry in advance. There are some good exhibits and the ranger-led guided tours are really great.

      If you want to get some good photos of the Statue of Liberty but aren’t interested in actually going there, the Staten Island Ferry is free and floats right past with spectacular views.

  88. MopRocks +25

    Toast, I’m am planning a proposal to my boyfriend and I’m so nervous.
    1. He knows it’s coming (we picked out the rings together, and we are both going to plan a proposal.)
    2. I contacted the tour manager of a show were going to at the end of this month (we both recovering actors, so proposing on a stage made sense), but I have no idea what to say.!

    tl;dr How do you propose? What do you say? Or, should I just stand the and let the shiny do the talking?

    1. citystillbreath +10

      Having just done this same thing, but in private, earlier this week, I salute you. Good luck! Are you absolutely sure he will be happy being proposed to on stage in front of an audience? Otherwise, it sounds like it’s going to go great!!

        1. citystillbreath +10

          Hahaha that is excellent. Please post back and let us know how it goes!! Get champagne ready for afterwards!

    2. GingerHawk +11

      A few ideas for you, to help you get started!
      1. Boyfriend, will you marry me?
      2. Boyfriend, the days we spend together have been full of love and joy for me. Will you do me the honor of filling the rest of our lives with those days together?
      3. Boyfriend, with you, I feel as though I am my best self, and that your love helps to make me a better person. Would you agree to be my partner for always?
      4. A theatre/stage related pun that I am not witty enough to think of right now.

      You might find you don’t like some the wording here, which is totally fine! But maybe this will help you get started to find some language that feels personal and meaningful to you.

    3. Tinpantithesis +5

      Having never proposed before, this may not be useful advice, but: if there are monologues from shows you both love, might you be able to adapt one into a proposal? (I’m thinking of the Beatrice/Benedick “for which of my bad parts did you fall in love with me” bit, but your mind may go elsewhere!)

      In any case, y’all sound delightful. Happy proposing!

    4. gripyfish +7

      Preemptive congratulations to you and your beloved!

      When I proposed, I literally just burst into tears and burbled ‘Do you want to go on adventures with me forever?’ at my fiancee (we’ve done a lot of traveling/moving across and around the country during the course of our relationship, so “adventures” have been a big theme for us), but it worked?

      I found it useful to practice what I wanted to say, while also making my peace with the fact that I’d probably be so nervous/emotional that I might not be able to say a whole lot (which wound up happening, so). Maybe tie your proposal to whatever show you’re going to see, if it’s suitable?

    5. lbolesta +3

      My completely unromantic “proposal,” in the car:

      Me: So…Halloween is going to be on a Saturday next year. Should we go ahead and get married?

      Pre-Spouse: Yeah, I guess we might as well.

  89. CurrerBell789 +12

    Yay open thread! It’s cold and rainy here, but trying to focus on positive things, so…

    +have to give a huge thanks to The Toast for helping me discover Korean skincare products. I am officially a convert. I can’t remember the last time my skin felt this nice. The sheet masks are my favorite.

    +I am going to LONDON and then up to Haworth for Charlotte Bronte’s 200th birthday celebrations next week! I can’t focus on anything else because I’m so excited, but if any of you have any good London or Northern England recs about restaurants or off the beaten path places, that would be lovely!

    1. dakimel +1

      I found sheet masks while wandering the aisles of Ranch 99 and they are just wonderful, and without The Toast I’d have had no clue.

  90. fcjaugusta +18

    Any Toastie Tarot readers? Tell me about the time when you realized without a doubt that it comes with Responsibility. The other day I did a reading for a friend, and she got the Tower in a position that basically said, “Something awful is coming, but you have to roll with it.” Today she told me that she and her fiance broke up a couple of days later. She has a therapist and isn’t the kind of person who bases all of her decisions on some pretty cards organized strategically, but it was still sort of jarring.

    1. GingerHawk +7

      I was reading for a close friend once, and as we turned the cards over the reading just got more and more specific about something that was happening in her life just then until it was frighteningly on point. When we were done she said I’d basically laid out her life right there, and we were both kind of shook up about it, even though the reading pointed to good things. Neither of us are people who put a ton of stock into tarot (I like to do it mostly as a party trick because I suck at socializing), but that was when I realized I might want to be careful who I offered to read for.
      I also did a reading for a lady at a retreat center once and she proceeded to spend the next hour telling me all about how I was bringing the wrong energy to the reading and essentially completely doing it wrong. I don’t read for strangers now anymore, just friends.

      3. PotterPotterson +1

        I once cried doing a reading for a friend. Now, it was new years day and we had been drinking steadily, but it was a very emotionally charged reading, especially considering things going on at the time. Each card felt like it was just so on point and needed, yet sharp as hell.

        More recently, I’m pretty sure a reading told me the guy was going to have a kid soon, but it wasn’t like, what he was asking about? Yeah, that’s where ethics on reading definitely come up. I made the connection a little bit later, so I just side eyed the deck.

    2. Goomaly +9

      The first time that happened to me, i was at a tarot Meetup and I was reading for a lady who told me she was being treated for advanced-stage cancer. We were being pretty casual about the readings, basically just practicing with each other. I don’t remember the card I drew for her, but I immediately thought “healing”. I stopped reading immediately and just said sorry, can’t finish. It just seemed too presumptuous to think about, much less do a reading around, and I didn’t have much experience at the time– like, to draw more for clarification, or consider alternate meanings, etc.

      Then I was doing one-card readings for strangers on Facebook and got Death for someone. My instinct was telling me not to draw another card, but not to tell her DEATH either. So I thought about it for awhile and decided to rename the card and give her something about difficult transitions. Turns out her granddaughter was expected to be born with a serious heart defect. She was very happy with the reading and I was very happy I’d renamed the card! *feeling faint*

      1. RudyRed +10

        That reminds me of the time my partner was on an interstate motorcycle trip, and I hadn’t heard from him when I expected to, so to comfort myself I asked my deck, “What’s [Partner’s] current status?”

        I drew Death.

        (Turns out the batteries in both his bike and his phone had died. He was fine.)

        1. Goomaly +6

          one of my sweeties likes to tease me for practicing tarot, and I like to tease him back by reading for him. “What do I need to know about him?” I asked tarot, in front of him, and turned over The Devil.

      2. fcjaugusta +3

        Wow, I’ve never seen Death show up in that context. I always read it as “permanent change,” which may or may not be good.

      3. fcjaugusta +7

        A friend of mine got halfway through a reading once that was warning her client of this horrible influence she needed to get out of her life, and all of a sudden it became really, really obvious that it was referring to the client’s boyfriend, who was sitting right next to her.

          1. fcjaugusta +2

            I don’t know what she did in the moment. But she never used Aleister Crowley’s deck to read for strangers after that.

    3. fenixdawn +13

      A tarot thread!! A day after I said (more or less) to myself “I think I am interested in learning tarot as a way to explore how intuition/subjectivity/interpretation affect my decision-making and how we construct our life stories. Maybe I will pick up a deck on my way home from work on Friday.”

      Which is to say, can we also talk about favorite decks? How to learn? Suggestions? Recommendations? (In addition to Tarot coming with Responsibility, as I don’t want to derail your thread! I’m just excited!)

      1. GingerHawk +5

        My favorite deck is the Shadowscapes Tarot by Stephanie Pui Mun Law. Mostly this is because I like her art, but I also like the deck because it has no reversals in it, and I find that my readings come out a lot more positive that way. I don’t know if it’s the best deck for someone just starting out, but I adore it.

        2. PotterPotterson +1

          I always feel bad when I admit that Shadowscapes turns me off. It’s gorgeous! I love the artist! I love the love everyone else has for it! …yet I look at it, and I’m like :-(. Feels too soft and purple, I think.

          That said! I’ve heard so many good things about how it reads for people, and most folks who I know that work with it love the deck. 🙂

      2. kayjayoh_ +6

        I like “Tarot, Plain and Simple” as a guide.

        My current favorite deck is my newest, the Ghetto Tarot, which is a collaboration between a photographer and a Haitian artists’ collective. I haven’t read with it yet, though.

      3. lemonack +3

        I love Ly de Angeles’s book on Tarot, with caveats: I do not get her Kabbalah-based theories at all. But she says some very good and on-point stuff about the inherent responsibility in reading for others.

      4. fcjaugusta +3

        Like GingerHawk said, SHADOWSCAPES. It’s fucking lovely. For learning, though, I really recommend using the Waite-Smith deck (search for it as Rider Waite, but Pamela Smith was the artist and the art is what’s important, right?) or some version of it, mainly because the pictures are very expressive and symbolic. There’s a really good book called 78 Degrees of Wisdom that does a really good job with that deck. Also the website learntarot.com is great.

        The other decks I have right now are the Wizard’s Tarot, which is sort of my go-to day-to day deck, and the Revelations Tarot, which IMO is a little more advanced because it depends on reversal readings.

        ETA: You can waste years of your life on aeclectic.net looking at Tarot and oracle decks. You’ve been warned. 😉

        1. fenixdawn +3

          5 minutes into this website and I can already feel myself slipping into the hoooolllleeeeeeeeeee

      5. Goomaly +2

        I mainly use Rider Waite Smith, but Shadowscapes is indeed lovely. I prefer it as a sort of commentary or reply to RWS, though; plus, the images are so finely detailed that one can get lost just peering at the cards and picking up detail and shades of meaning.

        As for how to learn, I went through Beth Maiden’s Alternative Tarot Course, which may be the sort of thing you’re looking for. Also I like Benebel Wen’s Holistic Tarot, which probably isn’t best for learning tarot, but I love it as a giant reference to sit on my shelf, plus I learned some new approaches and techniques.

      6. Goomaly +1

        PS if you don’t want to buy any books you can check out Kelly-Ann Maddox on youtube, she has a “tarot trainee course” that’s very nice, talks about the Fool’s Journey and gives a great overview.

      7. PotterPotterson +1

        I talk tarot allll the time and run a tarot blog on tumblr: coffeeandtarot.tumblr.com. I also posted a youtube video last week where I ranted about sex/gender, and emotional labor re: the queen of cups, so… The-Toast plays heavily in how I work with tarot cards, lol.

        I also have lots of fave decks, because it mostly depends on how I’m feeling that day. Right now, I’m super into the Tarot del Fuego, but it may be a harder one to learn with; it feels like a mix of RWS & Marseilles. Also, it has some body imagery that some people may find off-putting. I really enjoyed learning with the Housewives Tarot, honestly: it’s sarcastic and down to earth, and the imagery it uses gave me a practical way to look at tarot. It’s def my mom in a tarot deck. The RWS can be good to learn with, if only because most books use it. Also, I’ve found that I prefer more indie decks? I can find more racially/bodily/sexually diverse images with less mainstream decks.

        Now, books. BOOKS. I’m into books. I love Holistic Tarot, but it’s too much for someone just starting out. 78 Degrees of Wisdom is good, though it can get overly esoteric IMO sometimes. Rachel Pollack has a smaller book that I’ve heard great things about though! I’m going through some older books right now, and I really enjoy Choice Centered Tarot. It mentioned feminism and gender stuff right off the bat, and I was sold. It provides a structure for reading, tied in with meanings and How To Tarot. It’s also on the smaller side, which makes it a lot more manageable. There are newer editions, and it might have a different name now, but i think it’s worth checking out.

        ALSO! My friend’s book will be published in January, so keep an eye out! It’s going to be titled Kitchen Table Tarot, and I’m so exited! She’s got that pragmatic, yet energetic style that I love.

    4. annacardea +3

      I once had a friend who did Tarot both as a religious/spiritual/personal thing, and to make money by reading for others. She was really serious about keeping separate the decks she used for personal (and close friend) readings and the ones she used for more public/commercial purposes. She felt it helped.

  91. meat lord +10

    If anyone has suggestions about how to deal with resenting a friend (long story short, friend is draining, unfun, and suffering, and I have Helped Too Much), that would be much appreciated. I’m setting boundaries now, which fortunately she is cool about, but what do I do with all the anger? It came out of nowhere the other day and I don’t have an appropriate outlet.

    1. sabinabemani +5

      Shit. I’ve been on both sides of this battle… the one who demanded too much of a caring obliging friend and drained them without realizing I was doing a single thing wrong [mortifying and awful, I have made a conscious effort to become more aware of things like this so I don’t do it again], and the one who did the heavy lifting emotional labor for people who I was enabling instead of helping, and/or who took my help and then had no idea that this was something they could give me in return when I needed it..

      I don’t know. I wish I could come up with a perfect foolproof outlet for the specific type of rage that happens when a friend takes too much from you. I still seethe sometimes at the former friends I’ve had to cut out, and am still also hit with random anger at the ones who I’m still friends with but have had to lay boundaries.

      The thing that helps me soothe the anger in the moment more than anything else, is to think of a good happy time spent with that friend, or a nice thing that friend has done for me, or a time the friend has really lifted my spirits when I’ve felt low. This serves the twofold purpose of a) giving me a pleasantly distracting thought, and b) making me feel a little less used by that friend in the moment, which can tone down the rage, even if it can’t actually make life fair.

      1. meat lord +2

        Thank you. I’ll try to think about all of my friend’s good points, of which there are many, and see if it helps.

        If anyone has got tips on how to channel the anger–to actively, constructively do something with it instead of quench it–that would be cool too. I don’t want to fall back into the trap of always quieting or repressing my irritation, as that’s one reason that I let this friendship get so out of whack.

        1. beaucoup1314 +2

          Take a damn good long walk where you say every word you haven’t said to your supposed friend. Then do it again. Even if you start whispering to yourself, other people will assume that you’re talking on the phone (yes, I’m old). Actors rehearse for weeks to express a script and you can too.

    2. awnutts +4

      When i’m in similar situations, it helps for me to remind myself that my anger is unreasonable. I may be discussing with another friend and say, “She’s actually allowing me to set boundaries, and the worst of it is over, so I know that I don’t have anything to be currently angry about.”

      I don’t mean this in a gaslighting way. Rather, now that you don’t have BIG EMOTIONS about caring for and worrying about this friend, those emotions have slowly moved toward anger. And reminding myself that there isn’t anything currently happening worth being angry about helps me let go of my emotion and just feel less amped up whenever I think about that friend, or that situation, or whatever.

      **Results may vary. You do you, and best of luck!

  92. Bryn (Plus Others) +11

    Hello Toasties!

    Thank you to everyone for your supportive comments in last Friday’s OT. They were just what I needed to shake off my funk about this random person ragebombing me.

    I have finally made a Goodreads account, and if any Toasties would like to see all the manga we read, you can find it here: https://www.goodreads.com/user/show/54660946-bryn…

    Finally, we close on the house on April 18th!

  93. canadiangraffiti +1

    hey, i have a pretty specific sports inquiry that i honestly don’t know how to ask anywhere but the lovely, weird, supportive toast comment section! i really wanna get into some contact sports like boxing or bjj BUT i’m worried about having to wear a mouthguard. everyone’s got their things they just can’t stand and mine is having stuff in my mouth! it really only comes up at the dentist but like, cotton balls, the clamps they use to hold the little mouth tent, flouride caps, the x-ray packet things, it just all terrifies me and i always feel like it’s going to fall down my throat and choke me even though that is not a thing that happens and i’m just generally hyperaware of it and can’t chill. i don’t even like chewing gum bc it just stays in your mouth for too damn long! ANYWAY, i was hoping some sporty person could tell me what it’s generally like to wear a mouthguard so i could pre-emptively try and get my head around it. thanks (and i want to pop up more in the comments in general! i only lurk and never chat but that should really change)!

    1. Beakses +2

      Take up judo, we pretty much never wear mouth guards (pretty much limited to people coming from other sports or with serious concussion history, otherwise very uncommon in regular wear)?

      The women’s boxing gym I just started at apparently actually practices wearing mouthguards even for people who don’t spar, so they at least see it as something to practice?

    2. mmsees +2

      It’s been a while since I’ve had to wear mouthguards regularly, but generally I think the ones that you get and actually mold to your teeth are way more comfortable than formless things, and since they’re fitted it should be pretty secure and not feel like it’s trying to escape or somehow choke you. I’m not sure if mouthguard technology has changed majorly, but there’s generally ones you can just boil and bite down on and get your nice custom fitted mouthpiece. The cheap ones are kind of obnoxious, but the middle of the ground ones can actually be fairly comfortable and non-obtrusive.

      1. LaxMom +3

        Hi, I agree! I also clip and clip and clip with kitchen scissors until I have the least possible amount of mouth guard in my mouth that will still protect my teeth. My Sensei keeps the moldable clear ones at the dojo for us to buy for $2.
        We only ever use them for sparring and drills, most of the time they are on the shelf, if that’s any comfort (I take karate).

        I have just had to get a 12 year old with braces a lacrosse mouthguard. 5 mouthguards and almost $100 later, we have one that works. And I can’t return the rest.

    3. paperdoneyet +3

      Heya! I only recently delurked myself and am also trying to be more chatty! I wear a mouthguard for muay thai/kickboxing and it’s not my favorite thing to have in my mouth, but it’s definitely better than dentist stuff. For example, once as a kid they made me do those horrible styrofoam trays full of neon foamy fluoride at the dentist and it was just a texture nightmare and I basically projectile-gagged it back into the poor dental tech’s face. In comparison, I find the mouthguard to be much better because I can bite down on it, keep it away from the back of my mouth, and take it out between rounds. I have teammates that are particularly sensitive and have said they sometimes wear theirs around the house for a few minutes at a time to get more used to it in a low-key setting, which might help. Also, the boil-and-bite ones are exactly fit to your specific teeth and are very secure feeling, plus you can trim them to not touch the back of your mouth, so maybe with time you would feel less like it’s going to fall down your throat? I don’t know about BJJ but with stand-up sports like muay thai or boxing you often only need to have it in for 2-3 minutes at a time while sparring, and you can take it out during breaks and rinse it/reset.

      Oh my god I just wrote so many words about mouthguards. But really, I hope it helps and I’m totally down to answer any more questions because combat sports are AMAZING and you should definitely try one out!

      1. canadiangraffiti +1

        lolll no this is EXACTLY the kind of thorough mouthguard testimonial/info dump that i was hoping for! and thanks to everyone for all the tips and info, i totally feel like i can do it now and it makes a biiig difference!

  94. Claudia +4

    Hi Toasties! All Toasties. But now I need to speak to the librarian Toasties. Others are, of course, welcome to continue, but I need career help.

    So, first off, I’m not officially a librarian. Meaning I don’t have an MIS or MLS or anything. I have a phd in chemistry, though.

    Let me explain. I finished my degree and then promptly freaked the eff out about continuing in chemistry research. As one does. Then I tried teaching for a while, not for me. Then had kids. One of those kids needed a lot of extra support (speech therapy, OT, pediatric neurologist appts). He’s fine and lovely and doing well.

    Several years ago, I started volunteering at my children’s elementary school in the library. They had let the permanent librarians go, district-wide, which is horrible. So the library was completely volunteer-run. But the thing was, it was chaos! So I took it upon myself to totally revamp things, rewrite the manual on how to do things, train other volunteers, catalog books, make up lists of books to order, because they hadn’t bought anything in years and the collection was woefully uninspiring and out of date. You see where this is going. I was the de facto head librarian. Unpaid.

    Then I used my skillz learned there to apply for a sub-part time librarian job at a synagogue (10 hrs a week) and they generously hired me and now I’m official (even though still, no degree).

    I want to do this full time. I want to go to school for it, but I’m confused about MIS vs MLS and Rutgers is really pushing the MIS program (I signed up for emails, the extent of my efforts there).

    Also what worries me is the cost! Do they have no-interest loans for masters programs? If my husband makes a good salary, would I qualify?

    Also, also, what do you guys know about the Rutgers program, because that’d be the best for me. I don’t think Monmouth University or Kean U. have programs, but maybe they do. I need to research that too. I have librarian friends IRL to ask, just thought I’d send out the librarian bat-signal here.

    I have to run, but will be checking in some. My first real participation in open thread! Woo!

    1. wallsdonotfall +4

      What kind of librarianship do you want to do? Public libraries, school libraries, academic libraries where you could do data/science-related work? What part of your volunteer work did you like best–cataloging books, administration, public outreach? Having a sense of general area (public/school/acad/corporate) and interest (research and instruction/metadata/management, etc.) might help you decide on a next step.

      I don’t know anything about the Rutgers program in particular. Some people say that all ALA-accredited programs are the same, but that’s really not true: instructor knowledge and attitude makes a huge difference. There are many online/distance programs available now, too, that might work for you, but they’re not all equal. See if you can find any recent graduates and ask them about their experience–they’ll have a bit more perspective than current students, but their knowledge of the program won’t be out of date.

      Finally, on cost: yeah, it’s expensive. I covered my program with federal loans (6% interest, I think?) and am counting on the Public Service Loan Forgiveness program to wipe it out in 10 years. A friend is stretching out her degree and paying for it bit by bit with her employer’s tuition reimbursement. Definitely work during your program, as a graduate assistant or otherwise; relevant experience will be the #1 thing for getting a job afterwards. And good luck!

    2. kilks401 +5

      Would you qualify for in-state tuition if you applied to the Rutgers program? Because while wallsdonotfall is correct that not all ALA-accredited programs are created equally, my goal was to figure out how to get out of an ALA-accredited program with as little debt as possible. Simmons probably was a better program than Queens College, but Queens College was much much cheaper. In my experience, employers don’t really care which school you went to. Boston Public Library made me an offer out of Queens College, and I didn’t go to Simmons. (I ended up in Ohio.)

      People do go to library school without knowing what type of librarianship they are most interested in, but I do think it benefited me that I had my sights set on one type of librarianship. I could tailor my classes, internship and volunteering at that career (I was unable to get a job at a public library, which would have been ideal), That can change later on, it is tough, but people do go from academic to public and vice versa.

    3. _phlox +4

      MIS/MLIS/Mlib/MLS/MI are all basically the same degree. Schools that offer more in the knowledge management and programming areas tend to emphasis the I (Information) a little more but really the letters don’t mean much.

      Based on my experience I would recommend going to a school in the geographic area where you want to work, especially if they offer placements or practicums or co-ops or assistance finding a job. Build your network in school where you’ll need a network later. So if you live near Rutgers, that sounds perfect. On the other hand, if your current library will promote you to full-time once you have the degree, and you’re happy there, maybe an online program would work – the San Jose State one is supposed to be the best of those. But do work, preferably in libraries, while you do the degree.

      As for money, I don’t know anything, I am Canadian and did my degree here where post-secondary ed is much cheaper than in the US.

    5. allanaaa +4

      Awwww maaaaaaaaaaaaaan.

      My #1 advice: Don’t do any schooling until you’ve got at least a couple years of librarianship under your belt (even at 10 hours a week).

      My #2 advice: Look at library technician diplomas. They will be more practical and cheaper and will get you into full-time work. Most people don’t find the MLIS really necessary to their work unless they want to move up into administration or want to be academic librarians. You can do LOTS of great library work with an LT.

      My #3 advice: Get more involved with the profession through PD offerings (webinars, MOOCs, etc) and by reading blogs and social media. Get to know what people really think of the MLIS. https://www.google.ca/search?q=should+I+go+to+lib…

      My #4 advice: If you really think the MLIS is where it’s at, don’t do it unless it’s free (scholarships, or your employer will pay for it) and if there’s a promise from your employer that they will move you up the ranks if you have it.

      1. jenavira +3

        Man I agree 99% with all of this but there’s also the fact that this is a super competitive job market, and if you’re competing against people with a degree… it’s gonna be that much harder for you to get the job.

        The best strategy I think is #1 – get the job, *then* get the degree. That way you can move up, but you’re not in the hole for two years while you try to find a damn job in the first place. (Speaks the voice of bitter experience.)

    6. ectocool +3

      Oh man, if you have an advanced degree in the sciences academic librarianship may be right up your alley. It’s helping other people with their research, instead of doing your own? Actually, if you get a faculty position you -will- be expected to publish, but it will be in the LIS field and not chemistry.

      Sooo many academic job openings look for at least a master’s in a specific field + MLS, so you’re halfway there already.

  95. m98widow +12

    Is anyone else playing Stardew Valley? I was sick all last weekend and hooked the laptop up to the TV and an XBox controller and just could not put it down. I am in fall of year 1 and am waiting for my kitchen to be built.

    Also, is anyone else really good at convincing themselves that they must be pregnant despite all evidence to the contrary? Every few months I get what feels like pregnancy symptoms (note – I do NOT want to be pregnant) and I convince myself that despite taking my pills perfectly AND having gotten my period AND being 34 AND remembering that this same thing happened six months ago, I must SURELY be pregnant. I never am, but then the cycle repeats.

    1. breccia +3

      I literally cannot download it because I know what it will do to my life.

      I mean… I am all freakin about it. I just need to finish my 100+ hours in Fallout or I’ll never be able to jump back in.

    2. olive_cat +3

      Stardew Valley!! I’m in Fall of year 2, have a field full of sprinklers (so much time saved!) and have almost enough hearts with Maru to get her to marry me.

      And yes, no matter how much i tell myself that early pregnancy symptoms are very similar to PMS that doesn’t stop me from thinking I’m pregnant every 3 months or so.

    3. colleentie +7

      I was out with friends on saturday and I literally said “this is great and all but I can’t wait to go home and harvest some blueberries on my fake farm”

      It’s destroying my life and I love it

    4. steelyglints +2

      Get some pregnancy tests! I got a box of 10 for $12 on amazon. I’ve always been paranoid about being pregnant but now that I’m taking birth control so that I only get my period once every 3 months I really want to be sure. I would take them from time to time pre-bc just to ease my mind – it’s totally worth it.

    5. ellehmariat +3

      I’ve been playing Stardew Valley and love it, except right now I’ve stopped enjoying it because I just need ONE POMEGRANATE to complete the entire community center. I purposely planted a pomegranate tree and waited the right amount of time and it’s fall but the tree is still not fully grown and it is dawning on me that it’s not going to produce a single pomegranate until next year. I started going to sleep at 10AM every day just to get to the next day and see if there was a pomegranate. So I’ve decided to take a break because clearly I’ve gone off the rails.

    6. SarcasticFringehead +2

      Before I was on birth control, I used to get really bad PMS anxiety, plus my periods were a little irregular, so every time it was even a couple days later than I thought it should be, I would be absolutely convinced I was pregnant, even before I’d ever even come close to any activity that could actually result in pregnancy.

      Also Stardew valley! I’m just about halfway through my second summer & it’s so nice. Complicated enough to be interesting, but low-key enough that it doesn’t get my adrenaline up before bed.

    7. gripyfish +1

      I am enviously reading about/looking at screencaps of all the Stardew Valley adventures my friends are having and anxiously hoping they put out a version for Mac sometime soon! I do not need a pretend farm, but I want a pretend farm.

      I went through a long stretch of time where I’d wake up with what felt like morning sickness (or at least morning nausea). Despite the fact I a) was not dating/sleeping with anyone at the time and b) wasn’t interested in men anyway, I still had to talk myself down from “Oh god, I am somehow pregnant” every time.

  96. swordsnspindles +16

    Hurray, I’m finally on time for an Open Thread! … and I don’t have anything to tell. Um. The weather is shit. My cat has bad breath. I love you all?

    1. Goomaly +2

      HEY WE ARE HERE AT THE SAME TIME HI

      It’s gonna rain here after a week of heat, so of course my jacket is stuffed in the bottom of my laundry bag.

      1. swordsnspindles +1

        OH HI YOUU How have you been? I have the feeling that I neglected to answer one of your mails, but can’t find it in the cesspit that is my inbox. : (
        We had cold rain all week, and today it got super warm, so of course I was dressed too warm and had to suffer. But the view outside our office window is spectacular, so that’s nice I guess.

      1. swordsnspindles +1

        It’s more like bad teeth and slobber. But she’s still a mighty huntress.

  97. blueblazes11 +7

    Tell me what I should read on AO3. I am new to this. I like my smut both as smutty as possible (bring on the kink!) and well-written. I also don’t want a ton of exposition, please. Just smut smut smut, preferably historical.

    Had an emotionally trying weekend (trying -not – to have emotions, ha).

    Came home and fell deep in the the rabbit hole of gaslightgallows’ Phrack FF. I’ve never been an FF person, but I needed to read about two people who obviously adore each other but can’t be together for REASONS finally getting together in the most explicit way possible. There are certain parallels, is what I’m saying.

    Feeling much better today. Another week or two of wallowing in my own bad decisions and we should be back on steady footing.

      1. kjschapira +1

        Also, of course, I’m sorry you’re in your feelings, they sound none the less unfun for being perhaps partially self-inflicted.

      2. blueblazes11 +1

        Phrack, because that’s my obsession at the moment. But I really don’t know. Jane Austen, maybe? AO3 overwhelms me with choices.

        1. kjschapira +2

          Oh man, I don’t read in those, sorry! I wish you luck in finding the smut of your dreams.

    2. hawthorn_tree +3

      I recommend doing lots of searches in fandoms you like so you only see stuff that’s rated explicit and under 10k words. Sort by kudos!

    3. meredithcbrogden +7

      I don’t have any recs, but I do have strategies, especially if you’ve got a large amount of fic to wade through. So, if you’ve found an author you like, see if they have any bookmarks. And if they do, those fics are probably going to be ones you enjoy as well. And then you can look through those people’s bookmarks and then you’ve got a nice catalogue of fic to work with.

      Also, searching by ratings helps if you’re looking for just smut. And then sort by kudos. It can still be a bit of crapshoot because there are fics that will get kudos that just…aren’t good, and there are definitely amazing fics that just don’t get enough attention, but it’s a good place to start.

      (also, if you just want to read a particular kink, search for it in the tags. it’s a great way to find a lot of smut that hits what you’re looking for. just…be prepared for a lot of that fic to be concentrated in certain very large fandoms.)

  98. kayjayoh_ +2

    Toasties, I need a new purse. My current purse is a Baggalini, that fell apart in just over a year. I can’t find anything I like.

    I need:
    Nice enough to look like a grown-up purse, but not so precious that I can’t set it on the floor/ground when I need to.
    Cross-body strap.
    Large enough to carry all my things (asthma inhaler, sunglasses case, phone, charger, wallet, checkbook, appointment book, etc) but not so big that I am forced to check it when going to places.
    Reasonable storage compartments. I like knowing that X thing is in Y pocket, rather than having to fish around forever.
    Not fugly.

    Before the Bagalini I have had a Haiku, a couple of Yak Paks (kind they don’t seem to make anymore.) I have a couple of Epiphany camera bags, which are nice and purselike, but they are camera bags, and not for everyday.

    I got excite by the Kate Spade sale recently, and then saw nothing that I wanted to own. Help!

    1. TLO +7

      Fossil! My most-used bag is a leather crossbody of theirs that’s been going strong for almost 10 years. It’s so deceptively roomy that I refer to it as my Mary Poppins bag.

      1. kayjayoh_ +2

        Oooh. I have a Fossil purse that I love. I don’t use it anymore since it doesn’t fit my current stuff as well as it used to. But I’ll keep them in mind. Good reminder!

      3. kayjayoh_ +2

        LOL. The Fossil site has “Women’s handbags” which made me excited for a moment that they had men’s handbags, too. Alas, the men just have “bags.”

    2. kayjayoh_ +2

      Also, does anyone get anxiety about trying to buy things like purses online? Such tactile things. I do love free shipping and returns, but still a pain in the ass.

    3. gripyfish +1

      Both my current and much-mourned last purses were/are from Queen Bee! http://www.queenbee-creations.com/ I technically have a messenger bag from them, but I’m just leaning into my happiness as a Large Purse Person (I can carry so many library books!).

      They’re not cheap, but they’re amazingly durable–my first purchase from there was six years old when it got stolen, and had only just started to show some wear and tear (and even that was mostly tiny scuffs along the corners and edges).

      1. S. Pebbletush +1

        I just looked at this and it might be the answer to my bag woes. I want something cute, but not precious, and not perfectly *done* and sturdy. The Finley bag looks like it fits all of these things.

        I usually throw my stuff in my little Longchamp tote bag, but I’ve needed a more durable bag thing for a while. Thank you for the suggestion!!!!

      2. S. Pebbletush +1

        I totally replied to this but it’s not showing up, but thank you so much for this! I checked it out and I really like a few of their bags!

    4. Beakses +1

      If you are fussy about pockets and organization, the purse organizer insert thingies are actually pretty great, and it opens up your options a fair bit when it comes to bag shopping.

    5. eegghh +1

      Vintage coach! I have one like this one: https://www.etsy.com/listing/287462419/vintage-co…

      I’ve found two vintage coach bags at thrift stores in my life, both times paid under 40 bucks for them, then took them to the leather guy for a cleaning and ended up with a bag I love worth every penny. I think you can also go to any coach store and they’ll send them away for repairs? Don’t quote me on that I heard it thirdhand. I also find dooney and bourkes GORGEOUS.

      To me it feels like getting a vintage diamond when you save a good old purse- environmentally friendly and just….correct.

  99. darthcacti +9

    How long should it take somebody to text you back? I asked google and the answers I’m getting are wildly inconsistent.

    This may be my most millennial moment, being like, not sure we can date if it takes you ten hours to text back.

    1. paddlepickle +10

      Depends! What was the context (how many dates have you been on, etc, what has your previous texting rapport been) and what did the text say?

      Please note that myself and my two closest girlfriends have all lately become coupled, so I am facing a severe dearth of opportunities to close-read text message interactions. Do not hold back.

      1. darthcacti +4

        Hahaha. I’m glad, my friends are all certainly sick of hearing about this. Three dates, she’s wonderful in person but basically doesn’t text other than what is necessary to arrange the next date. She texts quickly to make sure I get home safe but other than that, any reply to a text takes literally ten hours. The texts are nice and friendly though when I get them?

        1. PierrePoutine +6

          She could just be really inconsistent or clueless about texting etiquette. I hate having long conversations over text because it takes so long to type on my phone and a date once gave me a lecture about it.

          1. darthcacti +3

            That is exactly what I needed to hear!

            Rest assured, I’m definitely not going to be giving any lectures. I just want to make sure her and I are basically on the same page, liking-each other wise.

          2. PierrePoutine +3

            To be clear, it wasn’t a mean lecture, it was more of a nudge to check my texts more often. I am sure that in your case it isn’t cause for concern. Some of us are clueless/curmudgeonly even when we really like someone…

        2. hawthorn_tree +11

          This girl and I have the same approach to texting! We are maybe terrible but it doesn’t mean we don’t like you.

        3. RudyRed +10

          Honestly you could be describing me. I am really bad about texting back promptly (slash at all) because I just do. not. like. texting as a form of extended communication. That doesn’t mean I don’t like the other person! I just prefer to have long conversations in person.

          The way I figure it, it’s just a matter of preferred communication styles. Are you okay with this style of communication? It’s legit if you aren’t. You just gotta be up front about it.

          1. S. Pebbletush +6

            Me too. But I am also horrible and find the “why didn’t you check your texxxttss whhhhyyyyy?” response to be controlling and frustrating and crazy-making and stressful and a legit reason to break up with someone. It’s a thing I can’t handle, possibly because I dated a few really emotionally controlling (borderline-abusive) people, and that was a pattern, i.e. “why are you not at my beck and call all the time?”

            Thing: I am busy at work a lot and no, I am not going to text when I’m in the middle of work stuff. I also do things that do not involve having a phone on me, like rowing crew. I also don’t want to text people while I’m relaxing and cooking dinner and unwinding because it defeats the purpose, so I just don’t read them.

            (I guess I find texting really annoying? I’m officially the worst millennial.)

        4. lemonack +3

          It could be about how long you’ve been seeing each other? I have rapid-fire exchanges with a couple of my closest friends. My roommate and I are very close but see each other every day so we only text logistically about being out of paper towels or needing garlic or something. I’ve been on three dates with this guy and we basically only text like twice a day unless we’re actively Making Plans, because we’re both busy people and I’m not yet willing to carve out extra time for him even in tiny bursts.

        5. Angelan_ +6

          Does she have an Old Phone? I hate having conversations by text because I’m still in 2008, telephonically speaking, and it takes forever to type out a message. (this means I see a message that needs a long reply, think uuuggggghhh and put my phone down and never reply ever.)

          Anyway, I think if she’s still contacting you to arrange new dates, you’re good.

        6. paddlepickle +1

          Hmmm. That doesn’t sound necessarily like a not-into-you sign to me since she’s continued to follow up on dates. Have the three dates been all initiated by you, by her, or some combo?

          1. darthcacti +2

            We’ve both initiated, though post date she tends to put it in my hands, like saying she had fun and to text her if I did too or whatever.

          2. paddlepickle +2

            That sounds like she’s pretty into you to me. She might even be waiting so long to text back in order to play it cool. I’m not proud, but I’ve done it.

          3. darthcacti +2

            Haven’t we all?

            Also: mystery solved, it looks like she texts back quickly after 8pm, which seems very reasonable. 😀

    2. meredithcbrogden +10

      She may be like me and just puts her phone down and doesn’t look at it for hours. I am very bad at texting people even though it’s my preferred form of communication. But, if I like someone, I do text them back regularly. It just takes me a little longer sometimes.

      1. Ivans_Sister +3

        Yep. I have my phone on silent (no vibrate) so I can’t tell you how many phone calls (mostly from the blood bank, etc) I’ve missed and texts that I’ve seen long after they were sent.

    3. iosognodisonno +4

      It often takes me a while. I don’t keep my phone in sight all the time, so if it’s in another room or just in my purse while I’m out and about, I may well not see it until the next day.

      I once had a date planned with a guy who texted me the day before to confirm, then the early morning day of (like 2am) clearly angry that I’d cancelled our date by failing to confirm. I was like WTF, it was on my calendar, how does not sending a text within a few hours count as canceling? But clearly the moral of the story is that me and that guy were not a fit and it may well be you and this person aren’t either.

      ETA: I do respond faster and more frequently by email, so it might be worth checking if texting is just not her preferred form of contact.

  100. ellehmariat +6

    Hello Toasties, I could use some advice from you. I moved across the country from where I grew up and have been living here for 5 years. It would mean the world to me for my best friend since 6th grade to visit me, but she is a graduate student and I know for sure she can’t afford it. I would like to offer to pay for a plane ticket for her to visit, but I don’t know how to broach the topic in a way that won’t offend her. Her birthday is coming up, but this would be much more money than any birthday gift we’ve given each other before.

    1. kateality +8

      I have done this before for my brothers, but not for a friend. I would tell her that you miss her and really want her to see your new city/town, and that it might be ridiculous, but you want to do this thing. If you pitch it as something that for you as well as for her it might feel less awkward. It’s hard for friends who have never been where you live to follow your stories about people and places that they don’t know – you want her to understand what’s going on in your life and that’s awesome! I hope you have an amazing time!

      1. ellehmariat +3

        Thanks, that’s great advice! I think I will definitely bring it up for her birthday. I like the idea of pitching it as something for me as well as her (because it’s true!).

      2. Ivans_Sister +1

        That’s a good way to do it. My husband turned 40 in February and wanted to have his dudes in town. Many of his dudes are married with children, so getting to us might have been dicey. We ended up paying airfare for one of his friends. I don’t know how he handled the discussion specifically, but I definitely think he framed it as “I really want you out here to share this weekend with me.”

  101. Beakses +15

    So, prenatal boxing classes still totally need to be a thing, but I believe I have found the next best alternative, which is a women’s boxing gym where the head instructor has worked out and instructed through two of her own pregnancies. I am super excited to hang out with more ladies and also hit things.

      1. Beakses +2

        Austin! I’m super happy to have an outlet- I get so bored at the gym and my usual activities are a no go after the first trimester.

  102. kateality +67

    You guys, I just went to a job interview with a law firm and NO ONE asked me how I intend to balance my work life with my children. Is it ridiculous that I am fucking giddy about 5 male litigation partners refraining from asking me what is arguably an illegal question?

    1. askelade +17

      NO dude that is AWESOME.

      *raises like thirty glasses of champagne in honor of you and of this moment*

      1. kateality +15

        Crossing fingers! This was round 2 and they asked me some questions about the logistics (managing conflicts, etc) so that felt positive. I have been mommy-tracked at my present firm and am really excited about getting some challenging, fast-paced litigation on the go!

  103. dakimel +13

    Howdy!

    A) packing, you’ll be shocked to learn, can lead to a couple of hours whimpering with pain after you fail to pay any attention to body dynamics in your quest to clear out that one overstuffed closet of who knows what

    B) it’s been a while since I shared this Spreadsheet of Toast Connections for anyone wanting to get in on Toastie twitter, find meet up groups, etc.

    1. swordsnspindles +4

      ad B) I didn’t know this existed! Awesome. Now I can stalk selected Toasties / see how many Germans hang around here.

      1. Merripat +1

        Sadly, they don’t seem to appear on the list. But there’s me and also at least one other I definitely know about (grapefruitlife).

        1. swordsnspindles +1

          I noticed. It’s sad. I know about you (where are you based, anyway? In the south, I assume? :), not certain if I’ve seen Toastie grapefruitlife around here yet.

          1. Merripat +1

            I’m about 30 km south from Stuttgart. grapefruitlife is, IIRC, currently in the US for a research trip and therefore not around, but she’s in Munich. Where are you?

            And I just realised – you replied to my comment on the Link Roundup, but someone else with almost the same name also did? Was that you as well and you just made an account after the first post and the name was taken? (Or are there two German Toasties who choose the same name? I smell a conspiracy!)

            ETA: I’m pretty sure there are others, they’re just not around frequently!

          2. swordsnspindles +1

            Friend of mine studied in Tübingen, that’s all I know of that area, I think. I’m currently in Wiesbaden (ugh), formerly of Munich.
            And that other commenter was me too! Just at work – I can’t log in there, so I use the name I had before I got the actual account. And that doesn’t allow for such a long name. No conspiracies, sadly…

          3. Merripat +1

            I’m in Tübingen! I mostly like it here, but it’s been almost six years, and sometimes it feels like living under a bell jar – it’s such a peculiar kind of people who are attracted to tiny green alternative university towns. But I’m moving back up North later this year – not the “real North”, though, more the general direction.

            I only know one person who’s ever lived in Wiesbaden and she hated it so much that she came back after half a year…

          4. swordsnspindles +1

            I almost guessed that from the general academic vibe I get from you – it’s a really beautiful town, and a great uni! But I can imagine that it can get a bit… too idyllic there. And change is always good, right?
            I can understand your friend! The city is full of horrible rich snobs, expensive, and a bit of a cultural back-water at the same time. I would never have come here voluntarily, it was just unemployment – and now my job is honestly so amazing that I can bear/ignore the city. I’m constantly torn between my job and my Munich friends/family though. :\

      2. dakimel +2

        Add away – it’s unlocked for just that reason!

        Also y’all can sort, add tabs, etc. just don’t delete anyone’s info!

  104. ppyajunebug +22

    Hey, if you need some truly ridiculous male bullshittery, please feel free to take a look at my timeline for when I got called racist for celebrating the lack of white males in the Star Wars trailer

  106. sarahgundle +6

    TOASTIES!

    I bought tickets to see Elle King because why not? They’re cheap and she’s in town and I like her voice. And then! THEN! Then I discovered this joy of a video. And I am now so so so excited about this that I could scream.

  108. actuallycabbage +3

    Toasties, I went on an Erik Larson audiobook binge and now I want more. Does anyone have any recommendations for good nonfiction audiobooks? I love historical, natural disasters, epidemiology, things that read like a story.

    1. hlmorris85 +3

      The last audiobook I read was Sarah Vowell’s Lafayette in the Somewhat United Stated and it was really great and also Nick Offerman was George Washington so…

    2. blueblazes11 +3

      Hello, new best friend!

      Here’s what I have on audible (and please tell me yours because I too really enjoy morbid nonfiction audiobooks – I lean toward manmade disasters, i.e., financial crisis, cults, true crime… but also just dark history in general):

      Anything by Sarah Vowell

      Michael Lewis:
      The Big Short
      Boomerang

      Kurt eichenwald:
      Conspiracy of fools

      Harriet Jacobs:
      Incidents in the Life of a Slave girl

      Twelve Years a Slave (read by Henry Louis Gates – so good!)

      Destiny of the Republic

      In the Heart of the Sea

      The Murder of the Century, Paul Collins

      Half-broke horses, Jeannette Walls

      Doc: The Rape of the Town of Lovell

      Green River Running Red

      Going Clear

      Under the Banner of Heaven

      Tony Horowitz:
      Confederates in the Attic (awesome)
      A Voyage Long and strange (not quite as good but still fun)

      Things I bought but didn’t like (so don’t let Audible’s ratings fool you):
      Tinseltown, William J Mann – Great premise but very slow and not a great reader. Boo.
      Midnight Rising, Tony Horowitz – enjoyed his other works, couldn’t get into this one. YMMV
      The Red Market, Scott Carney
      Leviathan, Eric Jay Dolin – bought as a follow-up to In the Heart of the Sea and was SORELY disappointed. Great for insomnia, though!

      1. actuallycabbage +2

        In the Heart of the Sea: That Whale Just Won’t Quit

        Thanks for all the recs, this is amazing! Think I’m going to try Murder of the Century, though I know I’d be super into “Going Clear”. Also eyeing “Close to Shore” by Michael Capuzzo, about the 1916 shark attacks in New Jersey.

        Have you ever attempted “The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich”? It’s so interesting but so LONG I’ve never finished it.

        1. blueblazes11 +2

          Ooooh, I’m putting Close to Shore on my wishlist. Also have not attempted The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich but that also sounds like my jam. I have watched… a few… things about Nazis on netflix.

      2. chiaroscuromom +3

        Hello friend and thank you for these recs, I also have nonfiction recs down below.

    3. chiaroscuromom +3

      Oh yes hello, I also enjoy these things yes. Here are some of my favorites:

      Longitude: The True Story of a Lone Genius Who Solved the Greatest Scientific Problem of His Time by Dava Sobel
      Galileo’s Daughter: A Historical Memoir of Science, Faith and Love by Dava Sobel
      Change Me into Zeus’s Daughter: A Memoir by Barbara Robinette Morris
      The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks by Rebecca Skloot
      Into Thin Air: A Personal Account of the Mt. Everest Disaster by Jon Krakauer
      Dearie: The Remarkable Life of Julia Child by Bob Spitz
      King Peggy: An American Secretary, Her Royal Destiny, and the Inspiring Story of How She Changed an African Village by Peggielene Bartels
      In the Kingdom of Ice: The Grand and Terrible Polar Voyage of the USS Jeannette by Hampton Sides
      Deep Down Dark: The Untold Stories of 33 Men Buried in a Chilean Mine, and the Miracle That Set Them Free by Hector Tobar
      Rosemary: The Hidden Kennedy Daughter by Kate Clifford Larson
      My Beloved World by Sonia Sotomayor
      As You Wish: Inconceivable Tales from the Making of The Princess Bride by Carey Elwes
      The Dorito Effect: The Surprising New Truth About Food and Flavor by Mark Schatzker
      In the Heart of the Sea: The Tragedy of the Whaleship Essex by Nathaniel Philbrick

      I also ditto the blanket Sarah Vowell recommendation.
      I listed my favorite Dava Sobel titles, but I’ll read anything she writes, no questions asked.
      Also when I was reading the Hampton Sikes book, several Toasties piped up and said they LOVE HIM but I haven’t had a chance yet to read any more of his titles.

    4. actualmeg +2

      I read these in book form, but I looked them up and they’re all available on audio:

      Anything by Karen Abbott (Sin in the Second City, Liar Temptress Soldier Spy, American Rose)
      The Poisoner’s Handbook by Deborah Blum
      Spillover by David Quammen
      Rabid by Bill Wasik

    1. kayjayoh_ +15

      I know this won’t happen, but man…I would love it to be a crossover film. Fast and Furiosa.

      1. Alli525 +11

        I would pay ALL the dollars to see that.

        Well, most of the dollars. Need to save a few for the “The Rock and Vin Diesel are in love and raising a family while balancing their work lives as saving-the-world heroes” movie I’ve been desperate for.

  110. morgenmuffel +43

    Late to the party, but wanted to say thanks to everyone who offered their support in last week’s OT. I ended up getting the Fulbright! So now, to plan all the things…

  111. SageAndJuniper +7

    So, hello The-Toast.net! This is my first open thread, mostly because it coincides with a pressing issue and is not on a Friday, when my work is exceptionally busy. So here goes.

    How do I talk to my partner about his excessive drinking? He lost his job a month ago (one that was very tied up with his identity and one of the only stable career tracks in our area) and has been drinking, on average, about half a bottle of some sort of liquor a night if not more. I’ve had enough but don’t know how to approach it in a compassionate manner. I’d like to get other people involved, but he doesn’t have friends or family in the area. There’s *maybe* one other person I could pull into this. Suggestions very welcome…

    1. LaxMom +4

      my dad has been sober for 20 years but my siblings still go to Al Anon meetings? (I never have, but it must work for them?) Do you have a UU church where you’d trust the minister, or a health center at your work where you can go for counseling?

      1. citystillbreath +4

        I had good experiences with Al Anon, but more for my own dealing with it, not so much for an immediate intervention. But it’s great for self care.

    2. Bryn (Plus Others) +6

      I do not know for certain if there is a Captain Awkward about this in specific, but I would go look there because it seems likely! Also many Toast hugs to you, this is a very difficult situation and I am sorry you are having to navigate it.

  112. HelloChel +6

    Hello everybody! It is cloudy and cooling off a bit here in Phoenix and I want nothing more than to be at home, curled up in a papasan chair. I don’t know where this very specific desire has come from, I do not own such a chair and also am stuck at work.

  113. YoungLeafedJune +26

    I don’t have a cat but I want to start a cat thread because I have a story: yesterday I was walking on a canal path and saw this cat in the weeds across the canal, staring intently at some ducks who were treading in place in front of him. He was all hunched down like he was planning something and then he saw me and started slowly backing up the bank while staring at me like “who me?” until he got behind like two plant stalks, at which point he decided he was hidden and kept staring at the ducks. I waited for a while to see him take a flying leap onto a duck/into the canal, but no dice.

    1. leslieellenjones +15

      Cats’ assumptions about what constitutes “something I can hide behind” is a constant source of amusement to me. I used to have a very rotund cat who thought that the Dumbest Birds In The World who used to hang out on my doorstop were incapable of seeing her lurking behind a half-inch-wide piece of metal on the screen door. But then, since they were the Dumbest Birds In The World, she may have been right.

    2. dakimel +8

      Here’s my cat super-successfully hiding behind my laptop

      Which, I’m glad his dumb butt wasn’t in my face like every other time I sit at my desk, but come on, dude.

    3. aqueousmedium +2

      I leave my yoga blocks out in the living room because of how hilarious my huge orange guy looks hiding behind them while he prepares to ambush a mousie or squishy ball. Cats: not nearly as stealthy as they think.

  114. Celean +15

    Toast Post! How excited are you?
    Polka_Stripes, thank you so much for doing this!
    Is there anyone else who hasn´t gotten their Toast Post matches yet? Polka_Stripes wrote on twitter that everyone will probably have their matches by Wednesday night and now I wonder if I did something wrong or if my inbox ate my mail. (Stupid jerkbrain.)

    2. Bryn (Plus Others) +1

      I am super excited because I have like 500000 pieces of Daiso stationary to use! But I have also not yet gotten my matches!

    3. sausagedog +3

      I didn’t get mine either, so we’re probably just a little behind 🙂 I can’t wait, though! Gonna send y’all the greatest postcards. (and thank you, polka_stripes!)

    5. Ivans_Sister +1

      I’m probably going to figure out what I’m doing and mail it out this weekend. HOORAY.

    6. Angelan_ +1

      I didn’t get mine yet, but I did paint some postcards and I’m excited to send them 😀

    7. dakimel +1

      I’m super excited & not yet matched. Polka_Stripes has taken off with this brainchild and I love it.

    8. Celean +1

      Thanks to everyone who answered! Now that my jerkbrain has been silenced, I´m super excited. I have collected some awesome postcards and cannot wait to send them!
      Polka_Stripes, (if you ever read this) thanks again for doing this, matching toasties has to be so much work! You are wonderful!

      1. Heathered +3

        Just send something that amuses or pleases you and it will most likely do the same for the recipient!

  115. allanaaa +3

    (oh I finally figured out why I was never logged in to IntenseDebate on my Chromebook, and it was Privacy Badger! Damn you internet security!)

    I am happy to be on the third page because I am whingeing/seeking advice about a dumb problem.
    I keep having awful dreams about my ex, a year after we broke up. And of course I can’t tell my new partner about them because it will be jealousanger that I will not enjoy dealing with.
    Last night I dreamed I owned a store that was prospering but whenever I was away my ex would show up and people would act like he worked there. I had to go to his work and tell him to stop coming around. In return he stole my handbag and left a trail of messages for me to follow to get it back. Thanks, dickwad.
    I am extremely hesitant to reach out to him, as I am sure it will only be unsatisfying, but I’m also pretty sure this is all stemming from a lack of closure, which I didn’t think I needed, but my stupid unconscious seems to be saying otherwise. Wack.

    Commiserations?

    1. sarahgundle +3

      I just had one of those dreams! (Mine involved a female friend of a guy I’d dated explaining to me why I couldn’t hold him accountable for being a jerk – while he was snuggling me and trying to get into my pants.) Mostly I’m a “write a letter and burn it” kind of girl. I need to get everything out of my system, but reaching out to him isn’t really going to do anything. I tried that once with a dude who ghosted after a really intense fling-that-he-said-was-more-than-a-fling and mostly it just gave him a chance to upset me again and had zero repercussions for him. 0/10, would not recommend.

    2. poppy +3

      I had dreams about my ex for months after I married my husband. It made me really uncomfortable for a while. But I knew I had closure emotionally so I decided just to wait it out and they went away. So I guess maybe there was a part of my subconscious that had not caught up with the reality, but that part eventually merged. Of course your history with your ex may be more complex than mine…but here’s commiseration and encouragement that it may go away without awkwardness.

    3. sausagedog +3

      I had those dreams for a couple years after my first breakup; I think it doesn’t so much stem from needing closure (not to say that you don’t need closure) but rather from that person being fairly burned into your experiences and memories, and so an easy character to insert in dreams.

      Mallory said something about “not believing in closure” on Dear Prudence today and it really struck me. I think that, by the time we’re emotionally ready for closure, we can be entirely different people! So you’d just be talking to a stranger. Like packedsuitcase, I’m a fan of the write it out & get rid of it tactic. Either way, feel better, and I hope tonight’s dreams are about puppies and Chris Evans or whatever floats your boat. (If Chris Evans is your ex, I’m sorry)

      1. allanaaa +2

        Yeah, I caught myself not too long ago referring to my ex as “my boyfriend” in front of a group of my actual current boyfriend’s friends. Five-year-long habits die hard, dammit!

        I have crappy dreams fairly regularly, so I guess dreaming about a stupid crappy relationship is preferable to dreaming about driving a Mack truck and losing control and taking out a ton of pedestrians on the sidewalk, again.

    4. eegghh +2

      Your dreams are a filing system. Science says it’s basically sort of filing/sorting/daydreaming, playing things out zone for your brain. If you are a year out maybe you are sorting through what you learn about the old relationship in comparison to the new one and kind of role-playing pieces of that in your sleep.

      I also do not really believe in “closure” as a thing someone else can give you with the words out of their mouth. Closure is what you get by moving on and living a good life. And maybe by also writing it all out in a letter, listing the things you liked about being with them and the things you didn’t like about being with them and then setting that letter on fire with a flaming arrow or something. Ritual, plus anger expression, plus time.

  116. mariajgb +4

    Any toasties in the Anchorage area? Or even just southcentral Alaska? I just moved back to the state recently and everyone I knew growing up has high-tailed it. I’d love to make some new friends. I don’t dare hope there are enough of us for a meetup– but that would be amazing.

  117. LaxMom +4

    I was going to post about how nervous I was about our first home game tonight but it was 40 degrees, getting colder and raining solidly, predicted to turn into snow so the other coach called and cancelled. Of course then the rain stopped. So now I’ve missed class for no reason, disappointed a bunch of kids, have two boxes of cupcakes and only myself in the house, and am mad because the one mom who is a total bitch and constantly telling me why she and her son need special treatment has branched out into fortune telling and had the nerve to tell ME to expect to cancel my games, because after my 8 years of lacrosse to her 1 she still knows so much more than I possibly could…(this woman had the nerve to pull the “I’m such a busy mom you need to accomodate me” line on me last week–I *DID* go off on her then!!!). And she managed to be right the first time out, which means she’s going to gloat and continue to call me at all hours to bitch me out and I’m going to have to screen her calls. And I *LIKE* her kid. The same thing happened last year. Why does there always have to be that mom?

    Anyway I’m deflated now that I’ve stressed out all week for nothing.

    1. brittaunfiltrd +1

      So I am pretty sure I have relationship ocd (which is apparently a diagnostically new but real thing?*) and while I am relieved to have an explanation for the horrible intrusive thoughts & my cyclical reactions to them (1. feel horrified but like the thoughts are true even though they feel like they come from outside me/are totally antithetical to what I want/how I actually feel about my partner/the actual day to day of the relationship I’m in, 2) cry, 3) have a panic attack, 4) cry on partner, 5) repeatedly check with myself that I really still love my partner & I see a future together & this urge isn’t real, 6) repeatedly check with others & online that doubts are normal, 7) take a lorazepam, 8) feel better until another mild stressor or intrusive thought happens, and 9) the whole cycle starts again), this is piling on to my already existing hypochondria, anxiety disorder & dysthymia & it’s really hard on my partner too, and it sucks. Especially because I already consistently fear that I’m just malingering and will make a horrific mistake in my relationship (which I did when this first fully manifested four years ago though I didn’t have a name for it then) and cause a lifetime of regret for us both.

      Also, my dad is getting an angioplasty & stents today because he had a secret heart attack in December that he thought was just a toothache, and I am holding my shit together because this is a relatively safe & noninvasive procedure, but it’s my goddamn Dad.

      *some of this research may have been done on Wikipedia.

      1. lbolesta +3

        That sounds really hard! If you are not in the care of a mental health professional, probably give that a try. Would it help to have your partner gently tell you that your jerkbrain is lying to you in these situations? Sometimes this makes it worse, but sometimes it helps.

  119. MaladyDee +40

    OMG you guys, I have exciting life news!
    For the last decade i’ve worked tech support call centre work, in the middle of the canadian prairies, and been an artist on the side. I’ve been getting my ducks in a row to quit my job and go pro as an artist, because I think I can see some ways to make it work, and even if I can’t, then at least I gave it a damn good shot.

    well, one of my oldest friends just moved to an island in BC, and can get me a job working on an organic farm 2 days a week for free room and board, leaving the rest of my time free to make art and start marketing myself online, and taking care of my biggest living expenses! Also, the island (Salt Spring Island, for the curious) is full of artists and gets a lot of tourism in the summer, so I can set up a market stall and sell art to tourists as well as online!

    I have enough money in savings to be a good safety net in case things don’t pan out, and friends and family coming out of the woodwork to offer me their couches if need be. So, wish me luck!

    Oh, and it starts in a month. (but my apartment is month-to-month).

    4. ellehmariat +2

      This sounds so lovely! Also since I have Stardew Valley on the brain, it sounds like you are becoming the real-life version of Leah!

      1. MaladyDee +1

        sounds like i’ll have to check out stardew valley, lol. I’ve also heard a lot of good things about it, too!

    5. dakimel +1

      I am so excited for you, and just hope one of your workdays isn’t Friday, so you can keep posting in OT with your online store and IRL progress!

  120. coloredlights +6

    Crap, I missed a surprise OT – boo! But for a job interview – yay!

    I think I might get this job. It is not as much money as I would have liked, but it also has very flexible hours, tons of vacation time, and a very casual culture. So…tentative yay?

    The most annoying thing is that it would give me at least an hour-long commute each way, by train. I read really fast, and I love reading on trains, so I would need like an unlimited supply of good books. Does such a thing exist? I mean, besides the library? I need, like, one of those subscription services that sends you a box of books tailored to your preferences every month. Or are there good e-reader subscription companies? I could get an e-reader again.

    1. Beakses +1

      Are you in the US? Most public libraries have e-book checkouts these days, and if your local library is not very good the Philadelphia Free Library will sell you a membership for a reasonable amount of money. Lots of systems use Overdrive, which is also a phone app if you wanted to see what the selection looked like before committing to an e-reader. Amazon also has Kindle unlimited, although I’ve not tried it (since the local library route is free and sufficient).

      Definitely recommend the cell phone app/ e-reader path, though- much easier to read one handed, not nearly as heavy.

    2. lbolesta +1

      I would suggest an e-reader or tablet. Scribd has a subscription service, but you need to use their app for it, so e-ink readers are a no-go.

      You can get a Kindle Fire for like $40 and gently hack it (just download a few things) to be able to install anything on the Google Play store, not just the tiny subset that Amazon will let you install on a Fire. It’s not a great device, but for $40 you can’t beat it. You should also be able to side load library ebooks to it but I haven’t tried this yet. I have a ridiculous number of ereaders so feel free to ask me about my various experiences.

  121. robotneedslove +37

    Toastrons! I already posted about this, but I got married and it was waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay fun.

    Also, here is a rave about my husband: recently he was telling me to remind him of something, and I was like “hey, can you not do that, or please do it very sparingly? Whenever you do that my brain cannot help accept whatever you are saying as Our Problem, and it just ends up with me having a bigger to-do list.”

    And last night we were talking and he was like “remind me to… no wait … I want to do X, and you don’t have to remind me” and I was grateful to have been heard and for him understanding that emotional labour tweak. So yeah. Husbands! Partners! Mr. Robots!

  122. bonetailor +4

    I was going to spend my last 15 minutes at work working, until I decided to see what was going on with The Toast. Surprise OT! Now I’m going to spend my last 15 minutes starting a thread, because fuck it! Work will be here tomorrow!

    Anyway, toasties who are prone to high stress levels: Do any of you have experience with L-Theanine supplements? My mom gave me an herbal “stress relief complex” of L-Theanine, ashwagandha root extract, beta sitosterol and L-tyrosine. I did a little bit of internet research and found very mixed results about the efficacy of L-theanine for both its stress reducing and concentration improving properties.

    I’ve been taking it for four days now and found that although I still have the stress thoughts, I don’t have so many of the physical stress reactions- increased blood pressure, feeling the need to run/cry/punch a wall etc… BUT, I have also had a serious problem with my ability to concentrate all week.

    It’s also apparently a compound found naturally in green tea, which makes me wonder if I should just start stocking green tea in my desk. Maybe it’s all placebo effect? Tell me your thoughts/experiences!

    1. Linabobeena +1

      I have no experience with that, but I used to sometimes take Tryptophan tablets for anxiety and sleep, and they were good (possible placebo effect).

  123. PaigePoo +6

    I went to my primary care doc today because I am a Responsible Adult! And I asked for two things: a referral to a dermatologist to check my freckles/moles and a referral to Psychology so I could restart therapy. They gave me an appointment for Derm, and….a phone number to call to make an appointment with Psych. Which, for me, really misses the point. So after months of building up my energy to ASK FOR A REFERRAL, I need to somehow find the momentum to make another call and talk to another intake person to make another appointment. What.

  124. Ethylbenzene +3

    I hope you all had so much fun in Ithaca. I spent the day hanging out with my “productive” cough (it was the only thing that was productive FYI), and the cats. And season 1 of Friends, which, can we talk about how weird Jennifer Aniston’s acting was in the early seasons???

    1. Heathered +1

      I sort of liked flailing Rachel, but then it was confusing when she turned into a more stable character. Maybe she was supposed to be on a lot of drugs back then.

  125. fakely_mctest +2

    Toasties, every time I ask my one friend to do something lately I get an “oh I wish I could but that’s the weekend that I’m doing [thing] with BF.” They dated for a few months and are long distance now. He has already displayed some scary anger management issues (frex, a text convo where he was returning a Uhaul in NYC and couldn’t find the place and was getting madder and madder and said, not jokingly, that everyone was a shit driver and he was going to run the truck into traffic), when she comes back from a visit she seems proud if they spent the whole time without getting into one fight, he’s said some anti-semitic and racist things (haven’t heard this first hand), when stuff doesn’t go his way he enacts this drama where he’s THE MOST persecuted and/or people are conspiring against him.

    Part of it is that I find this guy’s behavior so scary (as reported by my friend; I try to minimize my contact) and the other part is the familiar story where a friend gets a longterm partner and just disappears. It makes me v. tired and sort of woeful.

  126. ollieollieoxen

    Very late to reply, but I'm sorry about your dad. That sounds really scary.

    Do you find that this cycle of intrusive thoughts happens more when you are stressed? I have an issue that crops up when I'm stressed or overtired, and even though it's scary, just knowing that there are reasons it happens helps. If stress is a factor, I'm sure having your dad be having surgery plays a part in why you're currently feeling so out of whack.

    Seconding seeing a therapist if you're not already.

    Hope you're feeling a bit better this week! My thoughts are with you.