Buy Me This Immediately

by Mallory Ortberg · May 4, 2016

“‘Impossibly Rare’ Violet Diamond Found,” Given To Mysterious Veiled Woman (Me)

Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.


67 Comments

  2. OoTheHumanities +82

    I already have a love/hate relationship with “Fancy Deep Greyish Bluish Violet” — the at-once-most-specific-and-least-precise pigment designation known to personkind.

    1. GinnyQ9 +3

      Seriously: I scrolled back up to check that it wasn’t dated April 1. WTF, gemologists?

      (Says the woman whose engagement ring is a Tsavorite garnet, which is green.)

    1. Zelenka +28

      Dagny Taggart, obviously. Fancy deep grayish bluish violet is a Randian color.

  5. caitlinv8 +88

    Excuse me, I need to go dye my hair “Fancy Deep Greyish Bluish Violet” and then tell everyone I know what I’ve done. Obviously I will have to tell them the full color name every time. No shortening to purpleish or any such nonsense.

    1. Maxine of Arc +31

      I know, right? I’ve been waffling between silver pink and rose gold, but now the decision has been MADE.

      1. friendofdaja +16

        I just looked up rose gold hair color, because I couldn’t picture it….um wow, I need to dye my hair to this like yesterday.

    2. ofTrebond +22

      That color deserves every single one of those adjectives. Probably more.

      Can they make diamonds like that in labs? I’m generally not that excited about diamonds, but I want that one.

    3. Es_Petal +23

      Top tip: use manic panic amplified shocking blue, wash it every day for two weeks and you have Fancy Deep Greyish Bluish Violet. WHO KNEW I was so bleeding-edge with my hair.

    4. Ellabee +3

      I thought “Fancy Deep Greyish Bluish Violet” was the name of the standard little old lady hair color.

  6. ppyajunebug +60

    Okay, but what does a NON-FANCY Deep Greyish Blue Violet diamond look like?

    1. sausagedog +80

      ACTUALLY snorted. But does it change color depending on whether it feels “stormy” or “ecstatic”?

    3. exitpursuedbyaclaire +25

      You just know that gem has mysterious, never-fully-explained powers that can only be activated by the last living heir of some half-mythological figure in the book’s distant past.

  8. aqwaplop +128

    [distantly, but determined, as though struck by a true calling for the first time in my life] I’m… I’m going to eat that diamond

  10. grace_adieu +45

    “It is not known how diamonds acquire their colored tinge”

    Any geology toasties who can say whether or not this is bullshit? I took a bunch of undergrad earth science courses and was always told that the various colors of minerals like quartz or beryl were due to the presence of different impurities, but maybe diamonds work differently?

    1. thebeagee +90

      Wait wait: say it as a mysteriously veiled woman. “Toasties!” *clap clap* “Bring. Me. Your. Finest. Geologists.”

    2. asthecrowflies_ +27

      I’m not a geologist, but I pretend to be one while reading Wikipedia! You are correct: chemical impurities create different colors, and sometimes the crystal lattice of the diamond can have a structural defect that creates a color.

    3. sausagedog +38

      Yeah, I’m not a geologist, but I studied a decent amound of optics and materials engineering, and that line raised the bullshit flag for me. Best guess is that it’s a miscommunication, like the relevant geologists haven’t studied this particular diamond yet, so they don’t know what it’s color is from for certain, but not that Science Can’t Explain This Rare Fancy Deep Greyish Blue Violet Diamond!

      1. CrazyKaida +31

        Actually, I am a geologist! asthecrowflies_ is correct. Chemical impurities or trace elements create color variations in a mineral. The same is true for rubies and sapphires. They are both actually the mineral corundum, but the trace element chromium produces the red color of a ruby, and the trace elements iron and titanium produce the blue color of a sapphire. I’m not sure what elements would produce a purple color… I must go research this!

    4. Iris +12

      I don’t understand why anyone would print “it is not known….” It’s known. Some diamonds are colored by mineral impurities a la quartz and beryl, and some appear colored because something something prisms and crystal structure something physics. But it’s known.

    5. GinnyQ9 +5

      I’m not a geologist, but I did take middle school earth science, which the author of the article clearly did not.

      I mean, I really thought this was common knowledge. Diamonds are just a different type of gemstone, and gemstones get their colors from the various elements present in their crystalline structure.

  11. TimTamGirl +53

    Can anyone tell me why I should go to the gym instead of Taking To My Couch with fifteen Greek salads like I want to?

    (I realise this seems off-topic, but you KNOW this diamond would be telling me to put my feet right the hell up and eat some feta.)

    1. emmysuhweeks +25

      I cannot. That sounds like an extremely reasonable plan, and you should retire to your Greek Salad Couch immediately. I’ll be over with extra feta as soon as possible.

    2. spillyfilly +24

      Getting to the gym is the hardest thing. Its right up there with getting up in the a.m. With both, I sort of just throw myself up out of my chair/bed/lounging position, into motion! Don’t think, just go!

    3. lemonadefish +35

      I cannot tell you why. Salad is basically equivalent to working out, so.

    4. Alli525 +20

      Well, today’s excuse (for me) is that it’s Star Wars day (May the Fourth be with you!) and I’m going to watch TFA for the 9 billionth time tonight, so… treat yo’self, I say.

    5. apricots +4

      Because then tomorrow you won’t feel like you have to go to the gym because you’ll have gone today.

  12. blogswithmax +28

    I am deeply, deeply happy that everyone is enthralled with the “Fancy Deep Greyish Bluish Violet” descriptor.

    2. gruffertus +7

      I feel that we’re missing that the descriptor is bestowed by the Gemological Institute of America, which if anything sounds *more* made up.

  13. flying_ghoti +34

    Part of my job involves color matching, and I am 95% certain I have dealt with an architect requesting a Fancy Deep Greyish Bluish Violet at least once.

    1. walrathem +19

      Isn’t that the color they end up calling “dove” but no-one ever means the same color?

      1. itcamefromjapan +5

        “Dove” and “blush” are the bane of my existence, oh god.

    2. beaucoup1314 +29

      Hadn’t thought about that possibility. Rare, Fancy Deep Greyish Bluish Violet? Humans are carbon based lifeforms – Prince was human. What else could this piece of fancy carbon be?

  15. walrathem +15

    Guys, I hunger for diamonds. But I don’t really wear jewelry and I’m not sure I believe in even tangentially supporting the industry (by buying diamonds that aren’t from the Bad People). But I long for them.

    1. Borednow +20

      Synthetic diamonds exist. Still technically a waste of resources, but at least the labor is a bored lab tech rather than an enslaved child.

      1. Zelenka +3

        I am more and more leaning toward synthetic and lab-grown as the most ethical gems, because it isn’t just diamonds, is it? Mining of anything is a cruel industry.
        There’s also vintage. Those stones were probably also mined by slave or exploitive labor, but at least you aren’t supporting current suffering.

        1. walrathem +2

          I kind of worry that even buying and wearing non-exploitive diamonds helps the diamond business. My logic fails at that point but I worry.

  16. Joni +10

    MY DOG is named Violet, and she’s brindle, if that answers anyone’s questions.

    1. Bostonienne80 +3

      My kid is also named Violet, but unfortunately she is not brindle, nor is she a very rare diamond. But she could grow up to be either!

  18. noYOUare +9

    I feel like Fancy Deep Greyish Bluish Violet is the name of a very expensive show dog.

  19. clarelochary +11

    The discovery of a very large purple diamond will surely prompt Elizabeth Taylor to rise from her grave and take possession of it. Zombie Liz Taylor gets what she wants.