Cake for everyone! Tough week or good week? Eat all the cake. Share cake recipes, post pictures of you eating cake. Make cake. Open-thread!
Cocktail Hour: Open Thread
Cake for everyone! Tough week or good week? Eat all the cake. Share cake recipes, post pictures of you eating cake. Make cake. Open-thread!
DAISYS LAST COLLEGE UPDATE FOR THE YEAR!!!!
Ahhhh it’s my last day at college!!!!!
I just take my french final tomorrow at 9 (yay self scheduled exams) then my parents are bringing the van and I get home in time to see my brother in Taming of the Shrew. (pictures of the amazing poster http://i.imgur.com/ARnoPad.jpg and http://imgur.com/p4st7sf )
Speaking of my brother, he was hospitalized because he got dehydrated and passed out so they had to cancel the first two shows. It was going to start on May 4th, because the show is entirely Star Wars themed (He plays Petruchio/Luke) but he’ll open tonight.
Also in my life, I’m utterly, head over heels infatuated with a person and they are just as infatuated with me!!! They’re a super nice, super nerdy and dorky trans boy who uses he/they pronouns and loves Toast. a lot. They came down to my campus to see the a cappella concert with me and we ended up talking (slash smooching and cuddling) until 2 am. We were both upset that I’m leaving so soon so they came down on wednesday and we spent the whole day just watching nice things and singing together and spending Quality Time together. We both were crying so hard at the end of that night…just 92 days until I move back in.
Thank you, amazing wonderful Toasties, for making me so mature and grown up and helping me through the past two semesters, a couple lost friends, my first girlfriend, my identity changing from straight to bi to straight up lesbian, my major changing from English to Women’s Studies to Theater to Fashion. I love you all more than I know, thanks for believing in a kid like me.
P.S. my roommate came in to grab something while the person and I were watching Tig and when she left they told me they went to middle school with her, she just didn’t recognize them post transition. Small world!
Congratulations! It’s such a good feeling to be done!! Try and relax if you can — I know the first few weeks after I finished school, I kept feeling frantic about what all I needed to get done, just because I was so used to pushing to get papers/studying/projects crammed in and finished in the final weeks. Enjoy your freedom for a bit! <3
Daisy as someone who is also on the younger side of the Toast demo, your stories of college have made me really excited for the future. I’m so happy for you figuring it out a little ahead of me figuring it out.
yesssss Toast youtes
if you want to come visit Agnes Scott College it can be arranged
I’m on the admissions committee so you get to stay in my room
Thanks! I’m a senior, actually and had a very melodramatic April trying to decide on colleges (about to take a gap year). I was really torn between a women’s college (partly from hearing about Toasties’ lovely experiences) but ultimately chose to go to a coed school with close ties to a women’s college.
I have never once regretted women’s college, it’s a great community and I’m glad you get the best of both worlds!
(HI IM GLAD YOU SETTLED ON A SCHOOL)
i do think you get the best of both worlds with a women’s college and a co-ed large school here, i know i told you this but i’m having a very women’s college-heavy experience which is really what i wanted despite not actually attending one.
I WAS REQUIRED TO I WOULD HAVE HAPPILY WALLOWED FOR ANOTHER MONTH IF I HAD THE CHOICE. What you said about the women’s college connections really solidified my choice, thanks again for talking to me. Also happy belated birthday!
I’m so glad I could help at all! The women’s college thing has been an accidental/excellent thing that has happened to me, rather than a feature of the school, but I suspect you will have a similar reaction.
Yeah that’s why they have a deadline. It is a HARD decision but it is not set in stone and it’s good to be settled either way.
And thank you 🙂
What you are at Agnes Scott! My cousin went there! I have been to one of your graduation ceremonies! It is beautiful and looks to me like Hogwarts!
CONGRATS on graduating!!!!
I’m not graduated yet, my language was misleading
BUT I AM GRADUATING TO SOPHOMORE YEAR so
same difference
YEAH! Same difference! Congraaaaaaats on GRADUATING TO SOPHOMORE YEAR WOO!
as someone who is also on the younger side of the Toast demo, your stories of college have made me really excited for the future
As someone who is on the older side of the Toast demo, Daisy’s stories of college have made me really excited for the future. #hopeforhumanity
Ha, I’ve noticed you posting before (I don’t read these all that often but, every so often) and wondered if it was Agnes Scott. I just went back there for alumnae weekend (class of ’01). It’s always so inspiring to go back and see those bright young women as yet un-burned-out!
In September, I gave a fake talk at real MIT for BAHFest, a science humor conference where speakers earnestly present and defend ridiculous hypotheses.
This week the video of my talk got posted!
It was a wonderful, magical day and I got to meet a lot of my cartoonist heroes:
Zach Weinersmith of Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal, who created BAHFest
Abby Howard of Junior Scientist Power Hour and The Last Halloween, who was the keynote speaker
Rosemary Mosco of Bird and Moon, who was a judge
There was a trophy of an incredulous Charles Darwin for best presentation which I did not win but I think the real trophy of an incredulous Charles Darwin was the friends we made along the way.
Yassssssssss! I love this conference!
Oh, I messed up the link for Bird and Moon, which is this:
http://www.birdandmoon.com/
YAY! I hosted the Seattle edition of BAHfest and all the presentations were so much funnnnnn.
That’s so cool! I’ve been to the SF version of BAHfest and loved it. You’re awesome!
I hope I can attend more! It was such a nice environment.
People should consider submitting BAHfest proposals. I am absolutely confident there are some Toasties who would knock it out of the park.
Hi Toasties! You may recall from last year that I run Con or Bust, which increases diversity in science fiction & fantasy fandom by helping fans of color/non-white fans go to SFF conventions.
Our annual online auction is our main fundraiser, and we’re looking for auction items now through May 24! If you craft, or write, or live someplace with interesting stuff that would make a neat grab bag, or read Tarot over Skype, or consult on wardrobe revamps, or have interesting things that you’ve been looking to dispose of, or things I can’t even think of, would you consider offering it for auction? Offering stuff is quick and easy–fill out a web form with a valid email address and you’re done, no logins or anything like that–and it would be so incredibly helpful. You can go straight to the submit an auction form, or you can see a few more details at the auction information page.
Con or Bust has always been run on a not-for-profit basis, and this year it has become its own tax-exempt corporation, so your donations will be tax-deductible to the extent permitted by law. (We take donations of money, too!)
Finally, this year, auction offers really should be made by May 24, that is, before bidding starts on May 25. This is because New York tax law says that if we add “too many” items after bidding has started, we might have to collect sales tax. Which, obviously, no-one wants.
Let me know if you have any questions, and thanks so much for your past support. Please spread the word!
Oh thank you for posting about this! I failed to submit anything last year but I am not failing again. I’ll do that this weekend.
That’d be so cool, thanks! Let me know if I can help at all.
I had something last year that I was going to submit for auction and now I can’t remember what it was
I’ll figure it out this weekend, though. Thanks for posting this!
Thank you, and good luck on jogging your memory–there’s still a couple of weeks!
Done! I’m offering an amulet poem again.
Yay, thanks!
I love any excuse to do a tarot reading and this is an excellent one!
Hello, it me
nice to meet you
HOW WELCOME IS THIS FRIDAY I CANNOT EVEN BEGIN TO DESCRIBE.
The weather is looking lovely for this evening, and our town is hosting its twice-yearly Art and Wine Walk–for once, it will not be freezing or pouring or both–so MrChouffe and I will be spending our evening looking at art and sipping wine.
What is on tap for YOUR Friday?
Gonna see sum CIVIL WAR WOOP. Hashtag Team Iron Man.
My Friday plans are getting a large amount of sweet potato fries after work, consuming them, then taking myself to see Civil War, and I am very excited about every part of my evening!
An art and wine walk sounds incredibly amazing, and is making me want to go to a museum this weekend.
Going out to play board games! Only downside is, we’re meeting at a Starbucks, which, doesn’t serve alcohol? Come ooooonnnnnn now I have to dig out my flask.
I get off work early today, at 3 (yay for accounting office off-season). Gonna go to the bank and request a car loan, then NAP, then have dinner with a mom-figure in my life. Should be lovely!
well hello, that is ALSO me.
on tap: going to bed early, maybe taking a bath, trying to fast forward to saturday as fast as possible
I’m making some grain-free lemon squares for the first time this afternoon! If they turn out well, I’ll post the recipe on OT next week!
Yes please! Although I could envision them without wheat, no grains sounds like witches magic to me!
Season 6 Game of Thrones–can’t wait to see The Real Melisandre.
Well, I’m supposed to work! But it all requires reading or being on the computer and I’ve done something nasty to my right eye with far too much of that and not enough sleep, so I’m actually tempted to slip out to my own town’s ArtWalk this evening. Heard a wonderful interview with a man who does bead work on the radio today, a Pomo elder, and he’s going to be giving a demonstration at one stop on the route. Maybe looking at art instead of words will heal my eyes. Plus, wine.
Ooh! I owned guinea fowl until recently (they nearly caused a 3-car pile up on my road, had to re-home them)! Miss those weird little fuckers.
My post-work Friday plans are basically just Netflix, but my birthday party is tomorrow night!! I’m kinda panicking that nobody will show up, just like I do every year, even though multiple people have said they are definitely coming. Also I need to pick a cute dress to wear?? Birthdays are v stressful imo.
Yard work! Woo! I’m very aware that right now I’m the neighbor with the gross front yard. (Related, does anyone have tips for getting rid of dandelions??) I’ve decided to lean in to the weeds in the back yard and let it get meadow-y. I sprinkled a ton of wildflower seeds, I hope some of them take!
Oh now I want a meadow-yard.
I have a patio.
Mr Knowsey has a death wish against dandelions, and based on his 8-year war, nothing is truly effective. I would try a combo of digging them out and spraying them.
We are also currently Those Neighbors because someone stole our lawn mower and our backyard is full of crap from construction bs.
Well, we’re supposed to close on our mortgage refi today, but the closing attorney JUST called me, less than five hours before the time, and said “where are the documents, do YOU have the documents?” HE’s the attorney, he got yesterday’s email from the bank that said it was HIS job to bring the documents to closing, and he’s playing dumb?!?!? Husband is at Defcon 2 already with all the delays and nonsense and I’m afraid he’ll launch a nuke if we don’t close today.
Whatever happens, we are having dinner at our favorite local Italian tonight and will need a bottle of wine. Whether we drink in celebration or to drown our sorrows remains to be seen.
Thanks, the gif prayers worked! We closed and celebrated with Hemingway daquiris at our local: white rum, lime, maraschino liqueur, syrup and grapefruit juice – YUM.
My old-time band is playing a show at a local microbrewery/restaurant tonight. This is good! Our set is from 9-12. This is less good. On the bright side, we now have two monthly gospel brunch shows, so I am well on my way to achieving my artistic dreams of never performing after 8 PM.
On the one hand, I want to support my friends, and I’m excited when they get to headline shows; on the other hand, it’s soooo laaaaate.
This is me tomorrow.
My husband and I are having a picnic tonight out by the lake near our house! He’s in charge of drinks, and I offered to be in charge of food but i am at a total loss for what to bring. I was thinking of going Parisian and doing bread + cheese + fruit, but we might need something more substantial. HALP.
Do you both like smoked meats? When we decide on a cheese-and-crackers night (I’m very posh), we usually include some smoked tuna or smoked salmon — makes the snacky dinner more filling. Hummus is good option, too, for adding protein to a bread/cheese/fruit night.
Ooh, what a great idea for taking it up a notch! Thanks!
This is a common Sunday afternoon lunch in my house. Bread and some combo of: avocado or guac, hummus, cheese, grapes, strawberries, more cheese, hard salami, smoked pork. And wine. Gotta have the wine.
Wine sounds like an excellent idea, art optional.
*finds nearest LCBO*
It’s the last day of a very tough week, so this weekend could not be more welcome. On Monday a bunch of new people start on my team at work, all of whom are women. That means there is only one man on our team now! He’s a great guy, we’ll keep him. 🙂
I just wrapped up the most looked forward to part of my day, eating lunch with friends at the deli near my office. I got to introduce awesome people to each other, and met someone else who is awesome. It was great.
…Now I just need to buy tickets to Civil War this weekend and I’ll be set! #teamcap
it’s raining in LA and i’m working from bed. i went wild and today and put 3 kinds of orange tea bags in the same pot. might put on some socks and move to the couch later!
I am in the unbelievably lengthy process of graduating so I’m going to one last dinner with my university’s Shakespeare troupe. It hasn’t always been the community I wanted it to be but I’m glad to get closure (also people actually reached out to invite me which was nice). I will also be avoiding a departmental reception because I’m unbelievably salty that I didn’t get honors.
It’s also the very last day of my internship! Yay!
Parking myself on the balcony with a drink and a stack of library books. Enjoy your arty wine walk!
Good week! After four weeks of training, I was expecting to be on a zero-hour contract. Now, I start a 20-hour regular schedule on Monday, which will go until at least January. High-fives for unions!
Mostly a good week for me, but I ate all the cake from my favorite local bakery this week anyway.
In other news, The Good Wife ends this Sunday, and I am sadder than expected about it, even though I’ve fallen behind and have like six episodes to catch up on between now and then.
It’s gone downhill quite a bit recently (ymmv, but I’d say it was still pretty great up until about mid season 6), but when it was great it was REALLY REALLY great, and I’m going to miss it a lot (and will always be bitter that season 5 wasn’t nominated for best drama at the Emmys that year and Downton Abbey was).
Anyone want to reminisce on favorite moments/episodes/guest stars? Mine:
Favorite moment – the lion phone in season 2, which made me laugh harder than probably any sitcom I’ve ever watched
Favorite episode – Hitting the Fan
Favorite guest star – ELSBETH!!!
Favorite judge – Judge Abernathy
Oh, and in case any other Good Wife fans missed it, The Hairpin has had some excellent Good Wife content this week that you should def check out.
(also do we think the show being over now means we’re more likely to learn the Truth about Archie and Julianna, or is that a secret everyone involved is taking to the grave?)
Favorite musical moment: BOK bok bok boka bokaBOK, boka boka bok, etc.
I NEED TO KNOW THE KALINDA TRUTH
but i fear it will make me hate one or both of them, when i adore them both with every fiber of my being!
This. I want to love Julianna Marguiles because she is super great on the show and also an alumna of my university, so I may not want to know the deal with her and Archie #ignoranceisbliss
The truth about Archie and Julianna and Michelle and Robert (King) is that I lost pretty much all my respect for them because they had some stupid feud and everyone let the show be warped around the feud instead of acting like grownups.
I stopped watching the show when Archie left, but ever since the cancellation was announced I’ve been thinking I should watch season 6 for completeness’ sake. I really loved the vast majority of the show, and while I can’t cite specific moments or episodes anymore, for a while it was my favorite show on tv.
Fully agree about Elspeth as favorite guest star – she’s a delight! If you haven’t watched Person of Interest, maybe check it out – Carrie Preston is a recurring guest star on there too, opposite her husband Michael Emerson.
Ah, I started watching POI a few months ago but it looks like I stopped right before she first shows up! This is an excellent motivator for me to pick it back up, which I’d been meaning to do but hadn’t gotten around to.
Surprisingly little has happened in those last 6 episodes. I really hoped they would catch some of the old magic for the last run, but I am underwhelmed. The penultimate episode was a lot of “eh,” and the preview for the finale was just like “Yep, next week’s the finale. We don’t care any more, either.”
It is a shame because, as you said, when it was good it was REALLY good.
Ugh, I was afraid of that. Well, I figure I’ve come this far, I might as well finish it up. I can always cleanse my palate by rewatching Closing Arguments or Red Team Blue Team after catching up.
Yep, I’ve stuck with it, anyway, because I am a completist. But my husband keeps asking me each week, “Why are you still watching this if you don’t enjoy it?”
I think it’s been a lot of bringing back old favorites one last time. The NSA! Geneva Pine! Kurt! etc.
Replying to my own thread to say speaking of great Hairpin Good Wife #content, they just published this: http://thehairpin.com/2016/05/i-feel-great-about-…
Which, one, is excellent and has a perfect number one (though it leaves off one of my fave Diane Lockhart looks which is the one she gets married in), and two, gives me a chance to say how much I’ll miss Diane Lockhart and all her beautiful statement jewelry and also that my second fave moment from the show is probably her and Alicia drinking together after the funeral.
I just loved that it was a show that featured competent, older women facing choices and challenges in a mostly-interesting way. Any recommendations for what to watch in that genre now?
Favorite moment- there’s an early episode where Diane asks Kalinda to look into a potential new firm partner. Kalinda quickly figures out Diane wants to date him, the dude flirts with Kalinda, and Kalinda comes back saying “the firm can do better”. I love it because it’s adorable and also because it’s one of the first times we see Kalinda caring.
episode- ALL OF THEM but especially Hitting the Fan, Ham Sandwich/Another Ham Sandwich, Running, Going for the Gold.
guest star- Martha Plimpton or Michael J. Fox maybe
judge- anyone but %&$*ing Cuesta
[my favorite line from the last season came last episode, so maybe skip if you haven’t caught up]
*crocodile tears* “Oh my god, I thought my husband no longer cheated!”
Hello! It has been a week of weird over here. Let’s talk about awkward encounters and old crushes!
I already mentioned this on a LR (where readheadedwolf had some excellent advice, thank you), but earlier this week I ran into someone unexpectedly. I went to see some other friends at uni, and while I was frantically trying to avoid one Complicated Former Person of Interest I WALKED STRAIGHT INTO this one.
We were at the same bar and ended up chatting all evening. It was so absolutely lovely, but it has brought a lot of unresolved feelings back.
I’ll see him again at the end of the month through mutual friends, and I am feeling completely giddy. There was some historical attraction there. And I think there still might be? But what if I imagined it! One of the reasons we lost touch was my then-undiagnosed anxiety (I am much better now) because in an attempt to deal with it I moved schools and basically disappeared completely. The last time I saw him was five years ago, he was very drunk and tried to kiss me. I panicked and literally ran away, thanks anxiety! And then a few weeks later he started dating one of my close friends. And I am straight-up terrified by how attracted to him I am. He’s so cute, kind, smart and hasn’t changed but is simultaneously better? I HATE FEELINGS. So now the priority is ‘don’t even think about it’ and also somehow don’t be crazy when I see him next?
In more positive news, I’m off to Buckingham Palace now for the new staff welcome thingy – I’m wearing pants, which may be a faux pas, but I look damn good in them. Also a leather jacket, for the same reason. I am taking the ‘no fucks given’ pin off my lapel though.
Gnnnhhhh I saw my crush last weekend and it was……fine. Less crush-tastic actually but there was a recent breakup on his end to discuss so that and the post-breakup beard (ewwwwww) helped. I have no idea when the next time I’ll see him is, though, and I know that’s probably good because hooking up with him would be just a terrible idea in lots of ways (please start believing me, vagina, please). But then he sent me a pic of him after he shaved off the breakup beard and just gah.
BE STRONG we can ride out the crushes and overrule our vaginas! (I hope)
I’m still so jealous about this Buckingham Palace thing. Have fun and crush them with your fashion sense!!
And I feel you re: old crushes, but I don’t have any advice. I could actually use some myself, because I always develop crushes on people I barely know and then don’t know how to behave around them? Ugh.
Thanks! It was nice to meet people (although I did get stuck with a mansplainer WHY) and I did feel amazing in my great pants (they make my butt look so wonderful)
Crushes are so annoying. Since I am a terrible human, I usually respond by either being really all over them or actually running away. Sometimes both in one evening.
5 years is a long time–enjoy the crush giddy bubbles! Attraction is awesome! I have 2 drive by bits of advice, disregard if it isn’t useful.
1) Feel those feelings. You can’t escape it, and trying to stamp down anticipation and fizzy attraction sparks, well it rarely works.
2) Feeling that don’t go where we desire hurt–if that is part of the process for you, let your self feel sad, disappointed, how ever it feels.
3) Be your crazy self. (SO MUCH easier said than done.) The lasting fizzy goodness, it only comes when people are allowed to see us as we are. (SO SCARY.)
4) Enjoy the Palace! #jealous
Sorry that was more than 2…
Forgiving the more-than-2 because that’s some excellent advice. Thank you. I realise a lot of the confusion is coming from the fact that I never really addressed what was going on at that time in my life. I’ve been feeling nostalgic and a little mournful about why I moved, was it a good idea, all this change that I never had any closure on. So I’m going to have to ride it out, but that’s okay.
Oh wow, my name popped up! I’m so glad I was able to share helpful knowledge. 🙂 Neuroscience is just fascinating.
(So jealous of you getting to go to the Buckingham Palace!)
SO HELPFUL!! Thank you <3 this is a subject of which I know very little and wish I understood more
If you try and squish it, the bubble will never burst. That’s my theory. Also what if something fun does come of it?! Why can’t you think about it? Are you married?
She said the crush just started dating a close friend of hers, so he’s off the table now. 🙁
Wasn’t that 5 years ago that he dated her friend? That’s how I read it.
Sorry yes – was 5 years ago! I don’t know if he’s got a gf at the moment. And no, I am not married! I am very single…
OH! Well then GIRL! ENJOY this, and go with it! Have an awesome time, and roll around in all those crush-induced champagne bubbles. ^_^
WINK WINK. What’s the worst thing that would happen?
https://media.giphy.com/media/ljssLLBmv6xrO/giphy…
Urgh sorry that was five years ago, part of why we lost touch was my resulting confusion! Can’t even express myself clearly…!
Hi friends, has anybody here had ACL surgery? I’m going in next Friday and kinda freaking out about it. I know it’s an incredibly common sports injury and a very routine surgery (I’ll be in and out of the hospital in about 5 hours, including all the prep and post-op stuff), but I’m having the hardest time getting my head around both the surgery/immediate recovery (which sounds painful and frustrating and awful) and the fact that I essentially won’t be able to do anything for months. I haven’t even gone under and I’m already feeling the creeping paranoia about damaging the graft in recovery and/or tearing it (or the other one) again once I get back into exercise and sports.
It’s just… two weeks ago I had never been seriously injured and was in the best shape of my life, and then one wrong move on a crappy muddy field and suddenly I’m going off to get holes drilled into my leg bones and relearning how to walk. I guess I never realized how much of my own self-image is tied to my health and physical ability — which I know is not great! But the mental adjustment has been… hard.
Anyway, if anybody else has done this, I would love to hear about how much you didn’t die!
I have not had ACL surgery specifically, but I have had two soccer-related knee surgeries involving pins, on the same knee. I was 13 and 20 when I had them. The worst part, for me, was having the giant hip-to-ankle brace for however long that was (two weeks I think?). It’s just so hard to get around! I also remember the swelling not going down for a very long time, long after the pain was better, which hindered flexibility.
The surgeries themselves were not traumatizing at all. The recovery was long, and it was even longer before I actually trusted my knee again. My one piece of advice would be that if the doctors tell you that strengthening your leg muscles will help the knee recover, believe them. I was so scared of putting weight on the knee that my leg was weaker than it should have been for a long time, and as soon as I started working on that, the knee improved.
But yes, it will be somewhat painful and super annoying but everything will go fine and you will be back to full form again!
Yikes! That sounds rough. Were they fractures? I’m also a soccer player and have lived my whole life with a healthy fear of ACL injuries, but I know almost nothing about the many other bullshit things your knee can do to you.
It was actually all the same fracture, which was a cartilage fracture. It basically meant my knee would just give out randomly, all the time. The doctor initially said it would heal as I grew, then realized I was done growing and it was still there. The pins didn’t take the first time, so I had to have the same thing done years later, when it got too bad to ignore again. Ten years later, it is totally fine!
Dang. Way to be total assholes, bodies.
Used to work for an orthopedic surgeon who did a lot of ACL reconstructions and you almost certainly will not die! DO try to get weight bearing pretty quickly (as directed) and DO do everything your physical therapist tells you to do. There really aren’t shortcuts to healing that surgery, and all of the less-than-great outcomes we saw had to do with people rushing through recovery and PT. You are going to do GREAT.
Oh yeah, I have no plans whatsoever to rush things. All the news stuff you hear about this injury is like “Alex Morgan rehabbed her ACL in 5 months and won a million awards! Big Football Guy rehabbed in 6 months and ran a lot of yards!” but… I’m missing recreational soccer with my friends. Totally not worth risking another injury to get back to as soon as I can.
I will also harass my doctor about this, but… as someone who’s seen this a bunch of times, do you have any thoughts on the sort of sweet spot between pushing yourself to get moving and being safe and careful considering you’ve just had one part of your body replaced with a different part of your body? I’m afraid I’ll give into paranoia and think I’m going to pull my graft out every time I move, which really seems counterproductive.
*all disclaimers, not a medical professional, etc*
It’s so much a your-mileage-may-vary situation: every single patient is different, heals differently, has different thresholds, etc, that it’s legit impossible for there to be one single sweet spot. If you are in good shape and otherwise healthy and not doing anything that actively interferes with healing (like cigarettes, which, literally nothing slows down surgical recovery like smoking) or doing anything epically dumb, like trying to run a mile or do jumping jacks or whatever, you will almost certainly not rip anything out. I would let your doc and your PT guide you on this. They’re there to evaluate your pain and your healing and your flexibility, and your PT is going to see a lot of you, so trust their judgment. That is literally what they’re there to do.
Thanks! Not a smoker, so no worries there. This all makes a lot of sense. I am really really hopeful that starting from a decent level of fitness and strength will help a lot. I was walking around and bending my knee pretty well within a few days of the injury, and two weeks later it’s almost as flexible as my good knee. I don’t know if that’s any kind of predictor for how things will go after surgery, but I’m pretty optimistic (when I’m not actively freaking out, anyway).
Yes! I have done this thing!
So the good news is, being in great shape is going to make your recovery way easier. They gave me 2 weeks to bend my legs to 90* and I got it on, like, my second day of PT. Really, it’s going to help.
Things that were harder than expected:
I don’t know whether you’re doing an allograft or an autograft (spelling?) – I ended up doing the hamstring graft and did not realise that going to the bathroom was going to hurt. So just…know that before it happens. It was the least pleasant surprise ever.
Pain meds + the machine they make you put your leg in to move it + sleep = terrifying dreams. Try to stay awake.
Things that were easier than I expected:
Weaning myself off Oxy (funny timing, Link Roundup!). I hated how I felt, it was super effective as pain relief went but I timed it so I never got the withdrawl and just got pain relief.
Pulling out the nerve block. Piece of cake! Not scary or painful at all.
PT was awesome. I learned so many new exercises and the time kind of flew by, actually. I was so excited to be allowed back onto a treadmill and then into yoga and then onto a climbing wall.
Thing I haven’t managed to do yet (a few years post-op): play the sport I was injured playing. My advice? Get back into it as soon as you can, because it becomes this big Thing and then you wimp out.
I am also getting the hamstring graft! My surgeon has a strong preference for it (and does the folded-over stronger type), which is good enough for me. Is it the motion of sitting down on a toilet that hurts, or the, uh… pushing?
I’ll admit I’m pretty scared of the pain. I’m not a wimp, exactly — before I got hurt I was perfectly willing to throw myself into tackles with dudes twice my size, and I’ve been playing on a very small foot fracture for about a year because I know exactly how much I can take before it hurts too much — but I really struggle in medical settings for some reason. I’m scared of needles and nervous about sources of pain I don’t understand and can’t control, I guess. And I’ve never had surgery beyond wisdom teeth, so that doesn’t help.
PT does sound fun! I’ve already decided that I’m going to approach it like my health insurance is buying me a personal trainer to get me into super good shape. The surgeon I’m going to is very sports focused (he’s also the athletic surgeon for the big state university where I live), so I’m hoping the office will have good physical therapists who will kick my ass.
It was just the act of sitting down – suddenly putting pressure on the hamstring was…unpleasant. I don’t want to scare you, it was definitely a manageable amount of pain, it’s just that nobody had warned me and I felt almost as betrayed as I was hurt.
That’s exactly the attitude I took towards PT, too, and I think it helped a lot.
Honestly, you’re really going to be okay. I was scared, but my BFF took me to/from surgery and sat with me that day (do you have somebody to do that yet? Make sure you do!) and my neighbours came to check on me and it wasn’t great but it was manageable. I also slept basically 23 hours/day for the first 2 or 3 days, so have books/movies available but don’t make it anything you’re desperate to watch/read.
Seconding the pain to pee! The hospital had me see this wonderful person who showed me how to slide my injured leg forward while holding a crutch or ledge to do it less painfully, which I really appreciated. If you can get pro tips for using crutches, do so. Or look them up.
Ha, no, that makes sense and I appreciate the warning! I imagine with all the knee stuff it’s pretty easy to forget that somebody also cut a hole in your hamstring until you try to actually touch and/or use it.
And yeah, my boyfriend actually works from home all but one day a week, so he’ll be driving and also taking care of me until I’m up and about.
Anyway, thank you! It’s really nice to hear from someone who’s done this who isn’t, like, a Reddit fitness bro who wants to tell you all about how it was the worst pain he’s ever felt (bros are total weenies, I’ve decided).
Haven’t had the surgery but best of luck to you! Send calm and healing vibes your way!
Yes, I tore my ACL playing team handball in PE class in college (because of course I did). I also tore my meniscus in the process. I had a hamstring graft. I had a bad reaction to the anesthesia and was a bit nauseous after the surgery. They gave me oxycontin for the pain, but I only took it once because it totally knocked me out. I found that the pain wasn’t that bad and I was able to deal with just ibuprofen. It can be pretty frustrating immediately after the surgery, but you will get through that. I was on crutches for three weeks (I think that was more for the meniscus) and that made me very aware of accessibility issues that I hadn’t thought of before. I did my physical therapy religiously and was almost back to a full range of motion by about 6 months. I didn’t rush back into my same sports routine, but I did eventually get back into playing rugby and skiing (wearing a brace). It’s been 13 years now and the knee is still good. It does take time, but if you’re patient and do your physical therapy and exercises, you’ll be fine. Good luck!
Long-term success stories are so gratifying, thank you! My surgeon doesn’t think I did anything noteworthy to my meniscus (I have a little bit of damage on the outside one, but he wasn’t even convinced it was from this injury), so I’m most likely going to avoid the longer time on crutches. I did do some damage to my MCL, but that apparently heals on its own and basically just feels like a weird bruise.
I’ve been under anesthesia once, to get my wisdom teeth out, and it made me throw up, so I’m kind of expecting that.
Also, it’s interesting to hear you did this playing handball! When I first hurt myself and was obsessively googling (like you shouldn’t but always do), I kept turning up articles about how the really high-risk sports are basketball, soccer, skiing, football… and team handball. I saw it at least 3 or 4 times and was like “… that fake tennis game they make you play in gym class?” But it’s totally a thing, apparently!
Ha! That is interesting. Nice to know I’m not alone.
I had this surgery about six months ago. It is tough, no doubt, but as an athlete you are already way ahead of me. I wish I’d been stronger beforehand but I’m getting there. You’ll be great!
Here are a few tips for the time right after surgery.
1. Eat a high protein high iron diet and get a good multivitamin. No one told me this until I was having fainting spells.
2. Get some prune juice. Pain pills constipate you.
3. Make sure you have a bunch of pillows in different shapes and sizes. This will give you choice and variety for all the piles you or a loved one will make for propping up your leg. You want it up and as straight as possible and sometimes it’s tough to get it in just the right spot to keep pain down so choice is helpful.
4. I hated feeling helpless so once I was feeling sort of coherent I would think through what I would need over the next couple hours and would ask my husband to bring it all and put it on a tray so I wasn’t having to ask for water or medication or an apple every 20 minutes.
5. Line up some stuff to keep you busy that doesn’t take much brainpower. I watched Scandal on Netflix when I was super zonked then moved on to colouring books then to the learn to knit kit I had bought for myself before the surgery. Takes your mind off the pain and boredom. I couldn’t read for 3 weeks.
I’ll try to post some longer term tips later if I can.
Thank you! What a bummer that you got hurt like this outside of sports. Like, at least I always knew I was risking this specific injury by choosing to play soccer. I would’ve been so pissed if I slipped and fell or something and then found out I needed surgery and 6 months of rehab! (I mean, I was definitely pissed, but I knew what I was getting into within seconds of going down.)
You’re making me rethink my grand plan to catch up on my reading… though maybe that’ll be a good motivation to get off the heavy painkillers!
Also, ugh, the bathroom situation just sounds terrible in every possible way. I’m a healthy 27-year-old but pee with the frequency of an overhydrated grandma, so this could be a problem for me.
Well, I was dancing my ass off in an exercise class so at least that!
And the bathroom won’t be too bad if you remember to slide the injured leg forward while supporting yourself.
Hey, I found time to comment on some longer term stuff.
On the sweet spot. All I can say is, yep that’s the challenge for sure. I am not always hitting that spot. I guess something reassuring is that you can have setbacks and it doesn’t necessarily mean you rip the graft. I was overdoing it a bit just with rehab then underdid it (?) for a bit out of fear, which caused a bit of an injury. But I didn’t tear it. I just inflamed some tissue, so I had to rest and take some nsaids, then went back a few stages in my physio, worked hard, and recovered. So now I’m where I should have been two months ago but that is just fine. I was sure I tore it but it’s just part of the process. I don’t play sports though so I can’t offer you much in the way of advice for managing that.
As for the self image blow, I can totally see that. It was hard for me and I am not super athletic. It was the loss of independence, not being able to take public transit for a long while, feeling weak, etc. But in some ways the whole business can be very good for your sense of self. It is a major challenge and as you slowly slowly build back up, there’s a real sense of achievement there.
I wish you all the health and healing! And I’m here if you have questions.
My ex-husband had it maybe 10 years ago, and it was fine. I don’t think he was immobile or even on crutches/in a brace for very long. You’ll have a few days of swelling and pain and painkillers, but as I remember the worst part was the physical therapy. They work you pretty hard for a while. But he totally didn’t die and didn’t have any sort of lasting effects besides the wicked scar. 😉
I can’t talk about ACL surgery, but I did manage to write off a soccer season by dislocating my ankle with enough force that the bone came through the skin (but no break? It was weird and the ER doctors were fascinated).
I know what you mean about the identity issues. I think because there is literally no adjustment period – one minute I was running through my regular Wednesday night social game, expecting to go home and have dinner 45 minutes later, and the next I was in an ambulance on my way to what would turn out to be three days in hospital. I remember quite clearly that when I fell and saw my ankle torn open, my first though was ‘…but I was the one who didn’t have to worry about a long term injury.’ Adjusting to the reality of ‘crutches, six weeks in a boot, months of rehab, who knows when you’ll play again’ was a mindfuck.
The upside is that I came back from it eventually. A lot of people thought I wouldn’t be game to play again (I only saw a glimpse of my injury before other people jumped into action – they saw the whole thing and several of them had to sit down so they didn’t pass out themselves) but I just took it easy and babied myself into it until the joy of playing again outweighed the nervousness.
As for rehab, I think the best thing for me was that I had a sports physio, who focused not just on getting me mobile and pain free, but on getting me back to playing my chosen sport. With her guidance, I found that I could pretty quickly tell the difference between ‘aches because I’m working it hard and building strenght’ and ‘hurts because I’m doing too much and putting myself at risk’.
Best of luck!
Happy Friday, Toasties! I wish you all as magnificent a side-eye as Rocket the giraffe calf.
(more on Rocket)
I have never seen a giraffe that did not look extremely judgmental.
Confession time: the primary reason I read the Zooborns blog is to be disdained by giraffe calves.
Referred to in our home as Derp-affes.
Look. At. Those. Legs.
How are giraffes even real? Who said we deserved to live on the same planet as them? Who gave us this incredible gift?
Also those eyes.
Giraffes and llamas both have anime eyes, and I will never get tired of looking at them.
That is the cutest baby camelopard ever. (Why did we ever stop with “camelopard”?)
I have been longing for more Great British Bake off. Then I discovered all the international versions, all nicely loaded on YouTube! I am currently watching “Qui sera le prochain grand pâtissier?” which has no English subtitles but is amazing and makes me want to move to France and eat cake all day long.
Oooooh.
This is brilliant, you’re brilliant, thank you forever
Oh wow, just wow.
Omg THERE’S A FRENCH VERSION!? Ok, bye.
And it’s better because it’s like bake off but with professional pastry chefs. So their stuff is AMAZING looking.
There’s my weekend planned! [hearteyes emoji]
omgosh. I AM SO HAPPY THIS IS A THING. Is it like, a GBBO spinoff, or just…other countries having baking competitions?
They licensed out the idea to production companies in other countries. Buzzfeed did an article about it and deemed the Turkish version best because they dance in it as well.
There is even an American version, but it’s hosted by Jeff Foxworthy. But Paul Hollywood is in it and was rumored to be cheating on his wife with his american co-host.
the american version sounds like an actual nightmare.
It sort of makes you embarrassed to be be american. It has all the stereotypes. Very cringey.
Oh, gross! There was an American holiday version this past December on ABC. They had Nia Vardalos and her husband host it, and Mary Berry was there, along with an Italian-American skinny young guy judge whose name I’ve forgotten. It was, in general, pretty anodyne and harmless, but weird to see the exact same GBBO set being used by a mostly different group of people, on a purportedly American show.
The Turkish version is baking PLUS belly dancing! https://img.buzzfeed.com/buzzfeed-static/static/2…
This so amazing and also makes me want to re-read all of Laura Florand’s books and dream about handsome, intense French pastry chefs who are desperate to feed me cake and chocolate.
This is EXACTLY what I needed after a shitty rainy week
Any Toasties want to discuss the philosophical implications of working out in just a sports bra? (Like, a sports bra and whatever bottoms, just going sans shirt over it.) I want to, I think it’d be super comfortable, but also I’m scurred. Clothing in gyms, how do you do that.
If it makes you feel better, when I was on the cross-country running team in high school (when body consciousness can be at an all-time high), the gals would run around outside in just a sports bra and shorts all the damn time. No one really cared. If you’re hot (like as in sweaty and overheating), you take your shirt off, NBD.
First you have to check the rules at your gym. Mine requires the wearing of shirts, since apparently women wearing sports bras makes dudebros think they can work out completely shirtless and fuckers won’t clean up their own sweat ew.
But god I wish they’d let us. I get hot and shirts get in the way.
I think it’s fine! I always feel faintly weird working out in shorts (I hate having my sweaty legs being trapped!!!!) bc everyone in my gym wears leggings and I feel like a hussy? But I realized that’s incredibly silly. Do whatever makes you feel the most comfortable, especially when you’re doing an uncomfortable activity like working out!
I think about this a lot! Many gyms require shirts, so that would be worth checking into first (although maybe a lot of people at your gym already work out in this combo). One of the not-so-secret reasons I enjoy hot yoga is that this is pretty much the standard uniform.
You can also ease into it with a crop top or top with open sides (e.g., http://shop.lululemon.com/products/clothes-access….
ooh good idea
I used to do this all the time before the gym changed their rule about everyone wearing shirts. At first I was irritated at the change, but then I noticed that the benches were suddenly 100% less disgusting and even the horrible sweat smell diminished a tiny bit. So that would be my only concern. If other people are working out shirtless, and you’re comfortable with it, why shouldn’t you?
I hadn’t even thought about the sweat-on-stuff issue. That’s a good point.
I personally don’t like to do it, but if it’s hot, I’m running in a sports bra and shorts if I get overheated.
I’d rather be comfortable than dying in a puddle of my own sweat.
For some reason it bothers me to see women working out in just a sports bra in the gym but not if I see them out on a run or something. And I can’t really pinpoint why except maybe because the girls in the college gym who worked out in just sports bras just wanted to jog languidly and tie up the treadmills and they always had their hair down and it looked more like showing off than working out.
THE HAIR DOWN PEOPLE. WHY. I can’t even. I mean, you do you and all, but I can’t imagine.
A friend of mine used to play rugby with her hair down! I guess it just doesn’t bother some folks?
How do they SEE though???
If I leave my hair down (or even in braids), the sweat drips out of my hair onto my body or the floor. I have to braid my hair and roll it up into tiny little Leia buns if I’m going for a heavy sweat workout. With you on the unable to even imagine because gross.
HOW?
My hair gets crazy knotted if I so much as walk around work with my hair down.
I found going to the mall and telling salespeople I overheat helped me get a couple of really loose fitting magical mesh back tanks that I can layer over and feel covered up and not like I’m stroking out* from heat exhaustion.
*the real bonus is when a hot flash layers over whatever exercise I’m doing
Oh maaaaaan, I didn’t even know I wanted to talk about this, but it is one of my favorite things. I’m still a little shy about it, but running on kind of quiet routes seems to help? Something about running around in the absolute minimum amount of clothing just feels like freedom. I feel like it’s very much one of those things where you’re embarrassed at first, and then once you start doing it you get, like, drunk on power from the feeling.
Right?? It is super freeing. Something about it makes me feel athletic and powerful, too–like look what a serious worker outer I am, no time for shirts here.
No philosophical feelings one way or another, but from a practical standpoint I’m squicky about skin infections and prefer to have some cloth between me and the gym.
Of course, my usual workout outfit is about a zillion pounds of judogi with a shirt under it, so I’m also fairly heat tolerant when it comes to workout clothes.
Oh man, one of my life goals is to be comfortable working out in only a sports bra (on top). This means I need to get to a point where a) I am in super good shape or at least perceive that i am or b) no longer care. Either one is a goal I would be happy to meet!
I wish I were brave enough to do it, but I get cat-called while running enough already, and I have big breasts and stomach.
I love the feeling of running in just a sports bra and shorts. There are some places in my small city where I feel safe doing that, and other places where catcalling is a certainty and I worry it might escalate. I really look forward to our rare rainy days, because I can run wherever I want and the creeps are nowhere to be found!
I also decided a few months ago that I’m willing to do anything to ensure my safety if I feel threatened. I think this new attitude of I Am Not To Be Fucked With comes across when I’m running. It helps that I know I could probably outrun anyone who came after me on foot.
For your weekly Viking update, an anecdote:
I was complaining about the guys with acoustic guitars that come out of the woodwork every spring in a college town, and he said “in Denmark, we call them campfire terrorists” and yes, I did indeed confirm that they play Wonderwall there too.
Also I maybe fell asleep at a bar (I’m fun) and he maybe semi-carried me home. <3 <3 <3
“Campfire terrorists” YESSSSSSSSS
When I was in the Society for Creative Anachronism twenty years ago, we called them attack bards.
ATTACK BARDS! I am slain.
Roll a D20 for initiative to run away to a new campfire.
I got a 3
You need to go to the bathroom, but you feel awkward, leaving the bard alone.
I point at a random campfire and say “They were trying to remember the words to that song. You could go play it for them.”
I had *completely* forgotten that term, thank you for the memory!
Odin bless your viking.
I love other country’s terms for things. One of the greatest days of my life was when an Austrian co-worker told me that they call lower back tattoos ‘ass antlers’.
I love this SO MUCH
This is so much better than tramp stamp and I am adopting it immediately.
I know, RIGHT? Much better than the usual slut shaming!
Me too!
I had a French-Canadian friend who would say “cat in your throat” instead of “frog in your throat” because the French expression translates to cat not frog, and when I told her it’s frog in English, she was embarrassed that she’d been using “cat in your throat” with English speakers all that time.
“Arse antlers” is definitely a British expression as well.
Not in my area/circles. I think I should start using it.
That’s as logical as a Foreign Guest At Work (intelligence community means not telling your kids what country they’re from this time) who once talked about cheese bananas with my dad. Dad’s favorite snack is string cheese and 20 years later, literally no one in my family calls them anything but cheese bananas.
Seriously. I was thinking about it the other day. When will I get my viking. I want one so bad.
I’ve been holding back on a lot of gushing because I don’t want to reveal too much identifying information (and also if I get murdered I can’t see him anymore) but he really is shockingly perfect and he sooooort of asked me to marry him, in a low-key, no-pressure, “I know people don’t really bother getting married here but it’s something we should consider a couple years down the line for immigration reasons” kind of way and I’m…pretty okay with it. What is happening to meeeeeee
Those are pretty much the three facial expressions I’ve been cycling through for the last few weeks now <3 <3 <3 <3
Awwww!
WHAAAAAAAAAAAATTT!!!?!! (hooray for you!!)
Um, you can just DM me alllllllllllll the gushing, no worries, I can take it/resist murdering you.
And never mind ToastCon at Channing Tatum’s Las Vegas thing, let’s have a ToastCon at your wedding. For Toast Immigration Reasons.
(Seriously, though, that is delightful and also I did not need to know that he resembles that Instagram hunk.)
We have DMs??? Because I have a whole lot of shit to get off my chest, in the best possible way.
(No reason not to combine wedding with Vegas, maybe Channing could officiate?)
(His bodybuilder days are behind him because he got bored, so he’s a little more normal-human-shaped than Instagram Thor, but, you know, good enough for meeeee)
brb, signing up for Channing’s thing so I can tell him my wish list includes his ordination / wedding services
I don’t know if we have DMs, probably not. Okay, new plan, DM me on twitter @dakimel
And just make sure you have a nice stack of logs that need splitting or whatever laying around, just to keep him in fine fettle. Or rearrange the furniture frequently. I mean, for his health. That’s why. Not for prurient reasons at all.
Followed you! Different username, I’m the one with no followers who tweets like once a month when I think of a particularly clever one-liner while drunk
“Anyway, here’s Wonderwall” is an international phenomenon! This is amazing.
It’s nice to know there are some true constants in the world. Even if they’re horrible.
WAIT WAIT WAIT
IS THIS HIM
those pictures are giving me ASMR-level full-body tingles
OH MY GOD it is not him, but a highly suitable stand-in.
Excuse me while I go…spend some time on Instagram
*follows insta*
i’ll be in my bunk.
Well, that right there is a man who can put his hammer on my lap anytime.
One word: GOTDAMN
I just want to say that I truly, truly appreciate the Viking updates. Thank you.
How do you human? Longer story in reply.
Specifically, how do you deal with the shame and sadness of having repeatedly let somebody down long ago?
I grew up with parents who were very loving and Did The Best They Could, but were also unstable and emotionally abusive. (Both of these things can be true; I find it pretty alienating when narratives go “Someone who REALLY loves you wouldn’t treat you that way!” They would and they do, all the time; that’s what makes it so difficult.) It definitely shaped who I was for a long time and took a long time to recover from. In retrospect, I realize that as tough as I had it, my two younger siblings had it worse; I at least had the privilege of the glow of Firstborn clinging to me. It kills me to think that some of the energy I spent trying to protect myself from my parents should have gone to protecting my siblings better. On the occasions when my parents’ approval of me was contrasted to disapproval of my siblings, I should have leapt to the younger ones’ defense, not basked in having done something right for once. I shouldn’t have gotten mad at my siblings for not trying as hard as I did to please and be “good.”
(Here is a more-recent-than-I-would-like example of the kind of dynamics I’m so ashamed of now. One time when my brother was 18 and I was newly out of college, during some kind of family outing my brother did something kind of inconsiderate. It was legitimately pretty rude, but also came from a place of 18-year-old boneheadedness and did not merit the utter fucking meltdown tantrum my parents had about how they couldn’t believe they had raised such a monster. My attempt to calm them down involved telling them stories about similar boneheaded things I had done in the past and how I had had Learning and Character-Building Experiences that taught me not to do that anymore, so they shouldn’t worry, Brother will grow out of it too! At the time, I thought I was restoring peace by drawing attention to myself and my faults and reminding my parents that what was happening was not the fucking end of the world, but to my brother it must have looked like I was validating their reaction and also talking about how amazing I was. I should have just turned my attention to my brother, bonded in solidarity with HIM, and let the parents figure out how to get over it on their own, but I was STILL in the mindset of Parental Anger Must Be Fixed at All Costs. Ironically, later that week my parents had a giant rage-episode at ME, but by that point brother had left for college and wasn’t around to witness it. For years the memory that stuck with me of that week was of that second fight, but I should have done a better job of acknowledging how shitty the first one was for him and how I should have been there for him.)
Anyway, how do I deal with all of this? The thing that makes it complicated is that I don’t have much in common with my siblings as people these days. My sister is ten years younger than me so I have kind of a cool aunt thing going with her but we’re not yet really at a point where we can relate as adults; my brother has become kind of a libertarian tech bro with a disdain for emotional labor. I doubt any serious heart-to-hearts about our childhood are happening anytime soon. Therapy, I guess?
As someone who comes from a shitty abusive family environment — therapy, yes. It’ll help you cope with your feelings about your own behavior, and give you strategies to relate to your siblings. (Also, can I just say, you’re doing so well considering everything you’ve been through.)
Therapy is good for the kind of grief you’re talking about.
I’m the oldest too (including having more than a decade on the youngest), and reading your feelings hurts. *jedi hugs for you*
Forgive yourself for whatever the past held–you did the best you could with the tools and circumstances available at the time. (Not to mention, not your job–but I feel the roots of sibling protection, too.) Give your sibs some time to grown into themselves, too–stay in contact with them, be interested in their lives, and open with expressing affection. (If it feels emotionally safe for you. That’s prime–protect yourself.)
“It kills me to think that some of the energy I spent trying to protect myself from my parents should have gone to protecting my siblings better.” Oh my friend, please forgive this for yourself–you were a kid. I can see you love your sibs, that is the best you can offer them, then and now. All of us muddle through family circumstances as best we can, and make it up as we go along. You did not hurt your siblings, you did not abuse them, you are not responsible for keeping them safe.
Reach out if you want to talk more–I don’t want to drive over your feelings by talking too much about my experiences.
Take the best possible care of yourself, you are worthwhile, just as you are.
Thank you. I would like to hear more about your experiences, if you feel comfortable sharing. (In retrospect, that’s one thing I could have done more with growing up — knowing more about how other families function, whether positively or negatively.)
I can understand some of where you’re coming from. I’m a younger sibling, and many of the dynamics you’re talking about are similar to how things were with my older sister: she was the “good” one much of the time, our parents [who love us and did/do their best but sometimes good intentions miss the mark and it hurts, totally get it] pitted us against each other and compared us unfavorably to each other in order to try to shame both of us into better behavior (and/or to make sure we weren’t allies against them), and sibling relationships are I think unavoidably fraught during childhood.
Honestly? I’ve forgiven my sister for a lot of the slights that used to rankle (similar to things that you describe in your comment). Now we are both adults, and it’s taken many years for us to get to a point where we see each other as people/adults/individuals as opposed to annoying-sibling-who’s-out-to-sabotage-me. I have less of a memory for the ways I’ve hurt my sister over the years, but I know I must have hurt her terribly from time to time- it doesn’t make sense that it wasn’t reciprocal, though I remember more of how SHE hurt ME.
Sometimes it’s still difficult not to resent my sister, and not to take things she says badly or lash out at her. I know it’s difficult on her end too, because it’s hard to see someone as a non-enemy individual person after, say, 25 years (which included childhood) of seeing them as a thorn in your side. But we both make the effort, and we rarely fight anymore, and I have a lot of goodwill and respect for her, and when we’re around each other I feel that she has a lot of goodwill and respect for me.
Basically, it’s likely that your brother either has already moved on and forgiven you, or that he will soon. I don’t think it’s necessary to force serious heart-to-hearts in order for this to happen. And it’s also okay, I think, for you to be a very different type of adult from how your adult siblings have turned out. You don’t need to have that much in common in order to have a good sibling adult relationship, and I think you and your brother will find a mutually beneficial way to relate to each other in time.
And honestly, I think my sister and I both know that if we limit contact, then that increases the likelihood that all of the time we spend together is good happy time. I think it’s good that we both recognize this. We don’t hang out a ton with each other, and we each spend more time with our own friends, and the family members we’re respectively closest to. It might be that you and your brother will be this way too, and honestly it’s not a tragedy imo. My sister and I used to fight all the time- we don’t fight anymore, which I think is a bonus.
I hope this helps! Hang in there and try not to beat yourself up too much for ways in which you might have hurt your siblings in the past. I think it’s pretty much impossible- even in the absence of the type of parenting you mention- for siblings not to hurt each other from time to time as they grow up together.
“my brother has become kind of a libertarian tech bro with a disdain for emotional labor”
I kind of have this part going as well, even with a fairly stable and nurturing family environment, and I’ve had to make peace with the fact that some walls between people are just going to stay up. Best thing you can do is enjoy whatever scant things you might have in common (if any) and do whatever you can (therapy, etc.) to come to terms with the rest for yourself. If he or your sister ever at a point where they can meet you in the middle to hash things out, great, but you can’t count on that happening and you’ll just strain yourself trying to reach over into their space and drag them closer.
Therapy can be really helpful, although it seems you’ve already done a lot of work to get out of that cycle. One of the hardest thing about being an adult who was raised in a dysfunctional family and unsurprisingly didn’t emerge unscathed is that at some point you just have to accept that you can’t go back and do it over. This might sound simplistic but it must be emphasized: what matters now is that you are a self aware adult and don’t have to go back to the behaviour you learned in childhood. You have the opportunity to be kind to your brother and sister now, and life is long, so you will likely get the chance to demonstrate that you love them, even if you can’t change history.
If it’s any comfort to you, I was the younger sibling in my dysfunctional upbringing and because my older brother will likely never account for being a bully, I get an odd sense of relief in reading your story. Your self awareness was probably hard-won and you sound like an empathetic person despite everything. Give yourself credit where credit is due.
You were a child – you are asking a lot of your past-child-self, to be aware and in control of what was happening.
Therapy sounds like a great thing for you. But also forgive yourself for acting like an abused child when you were an abused child.
Yes, all of this, 100%.
1) Yes, therapy is amazingly helpful, I do recommend it, and a good therapist would help explain my next point far better than I can
2) Oh my God, please don’t beat yourself up about how you grew up and treated your siblings. Please don’t. A of all, you were a child, of course you aren’t fully accountable (in the same way an adult would be) for how you treated your siblings even when you were genuinely mean to them, which is something all siblings do growing up.
But more importantly, you were navigating a chaotic environment with parents who would go into the rages you describe, and you were doing the best you could. Even if you gave zero thought to your siblings and only tried to make things better for yourself, you would not be to blame for that. But from what you describe, you did a damn good job doing your best to protect your siblings. I don’t think you did the wrong thing at all in that particular situation.
It pains me that you’re still feeling guilty about all this, and I so want you to get the professional help you deserve to overcome those feelings and get the relationship you want with your siblings.
Disclaimer: I also grew up in a chaotic/emotionally abusive situation with a younger brother, with whom I normally bonded in solidarity born of desperation, but other times I was a real shit to him! I feel terrible remembering those times, but I was a child, and there never were 100% angelic siblings. It helps to remember that in the last years he was alive, I made some attempts to reach out to him, though he was often very difficult and reminded me too much of our abusive father. (in short, mental illness runs in the family)
Thank you so, so much for saying all of this, and I’m sorry for what you experienced, too.
One thing I do reassure myself with is that I was never actively mean. But that seems like the bare minimum next to the massive failure of integrity and moral courage that my people-pleasing/lack of solidarity was. But you’re right that holding a child who had never had that modeled for her responsible for that is a bit much; at the time I really thought I was doing the best I could.
Anon!!! There was no “massive failure of integrity and moral courage.” You cannot hold a child to that standard. You were really doing the best you could in an abusive situation, and it sounds like astonishing well for that, if you can’t remember being actively mean (I definitely pinched my brother once for absolutely no reason, making him cry; another time I was overly critical of his first creative writing effort, which I feel FAR WORSE about, especially since it resulted in him ripping it up and I don’t know if he ever tried again 🙁 ).
Please, please see a professional to sort out this guilt you carry, because you do NOT deserve to be carrying it for even a second. It’s like lemonadefish said: you’re asking a lot of your younger self to be fully aware and taking the course of action a well-rounded adult with the right education and knowledge ought to take.
If it helps in the meantime, think of someone else you know or can imagine in a similar situation as you were in. Would you chide that child for not protecting their siblings more, and for only protecting their own self to the best of their ability? Can you imagine yourself telling them (or even concluding to yourself) that they’re committing a massive failure of integrity and moral courage?
I have an incredibly decent and wonderful mother who was not abusive, and even in the years she didn’t have custody we saw her frequently. So even though she was modeling healthy behavior, it didn’t give us the knowledge or ability to act as kindly and selflessly as the person you wish you had been. We were still unequipped to deal with the abusive environment, because the rules were all distorted, and punishment (what you call rage episodes) was not meted out in anything resembling a logical manner.
Please be kinder to yourself.
I’m in your brother’s position in my family, and it would mean a lot to me if my older brother acknowledged that things in our family were/still can be really shitty for me. Children learn how to behave from their parents, so I don’t blame him for our childhood. You shouldn’t beat yourself up for yours. Just make sure you don’t continue to validate your parents’ unreasonableness now. Also, therapy.
Yeah, fifteenth on the therapy, and also Internet Hugs if you want them.
Not to like, me-too all over you, but I experienced a dynamic that was…similar? Emotionally abusive parents who are also trying, but kind of maybe needed to try in a different way?
I wanted to offer you one anecdotal data point / alternate reality.
I did try to protect my siblings a lot. A LOT. And they were hard to protect, because I was a kid, and they were kids, and we were all struggling to figure out how to deal, because nobody had any words to describe what was going on.
So I stood in the way of fists and fights. I cleaned up literal messes because I knew they’d trigger my mom. I’d clean up the messes my mom made AFTER she’d been triggered. I stood up to my dad when my mom lied to him about things we’d supposedly done, and he came after us.
Now, as adults, my siblings resent the hell out of me for it. They see me as bossy and manipulative and with a tendency to take responsibility for issues that aren’t mine. In fact, my mother and Sister A flat out told me at Christmas that they have long conversations about how much more difficult Sister A’s life was because of me. My mom is so ashamed about how she treated us as children that she’s reframed the narrative so I was responsible for triggering her, so I’m the reason for her being crazy, so all of my sister’s issues are my fault.
Sister B, on the other hand, once didn’t speak to me for all 4 days of Thanksgiving Break for reasons that are still unknown to me.
I ruminate a lot about the idea that if I’d protected my siblings EVEN MORE then things would be better now, but I’ve concluded that it’s kind of a fantasy.
I am guessing you did your absolute best. I hope for you that someday you will get to go to therapy, and you will process that you were also a child. I hope you will take the insidious word “should” and “if only” back out of your vocabulary, and trust that you’ll heal, and someday your siblings will too. I hope that you will someday feel so proud of yourself for making it out of an advanced situation as a human being.
tl;dr yeah, therapy, you champion of life!
You were in a hostage situation. Not only that, you were a child in a hostage situation. Not only that, but you were a child in a hostage situation who hadn’t been given any good models for healthy relationships. You absolutely did the best you could.
For me, it was easier to feel guilt about not protecting my younger siblings than it was to accept how little power I had, growing up, to change anything about our situation. I needed a hell of a lot of therapy to deal with how scary that knowledge was. I hope you will be able to find a good therapist too.
I don’t recommend it as a standalone strategy, but one thing that helped supplement therapy was looking at old photos of myself and my little bro. So many photos of 4-year-old me with my arm around my little bro, or standing between him and a potentially dangerous thing like a peacock or a steam train or a parent.
It helped me intellectually accept how small I was then and how powerless to do much other than eventually just freeze up and survive, despite my core impulse being to protect him. I could then deal with the feelings that brought up in therapy.
I was also *massively* helped by Tara Brach’s talks and guided meditations on trauma, survival strategies, and self-forgiveness, which are available free here: https://www.tarabrach.com
I spent almost 9 months listening to her talks every day and that laid the groundwork for my therapy. I especially like how clear she is that some traumatic feelings should not be dealt with by listening to a free talk on the internet on your own – she always gives reminders to pull back from feelings that are too distressing and to deal with them in therapy instead.
If you don’t have time to listen to a whole talk, this very beautiful article gives an idea of the kind of concepts and ideas she uses.
But content warning for childhood sexual abuse and disordered eating: https://www.tarabrach.com/articles-interviews/tra…
I don’t have any contact with my siblings, nor they with each other. I don’t ever expect to and that is what it is. But my friendships are a lot healthier now that I no longer spend all my time looking for surrogate siblings to ‘rescue’. And my life is a lot more peaceful and pleasant now that I look for ways to be kind to myself instead of ways to punish myself.
I hope that you will also find that kind of peace.
I am doing a lot of cathartic weeping about sad children. Thank you all so much <3
Someone messaged me today to say “happy military spouse day! Today it falls on May 6th!” And I have so many questions. 1. That’s not a thing. 2. Even if it was I wouldn’t acknowledge it. 3. What? 4. Who administers this that it “falls” on different days? Is it like, a floating holiday? 5. If I ignore it will I stop being forced to see horrible graphics with borderline offensive messages couched in “solidarity?” I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS, PEOPLE.
Wait, “today” it falls on May 6? Not “this year”? That makes no sense.
That’s my error! I did mean this year. I was too caught up in befuddled confusion.
Apparently it is both a Thing and a movable feast. Per google, it happens on the Friday before Mother’s Day and is recognised by the White House and, as such, means there will be no respite from the borderline-offensive memes.
I vote you have some non-military-spouse-day cake, a la the bartender.
I texted my husband to see if we would be having a big party for My Special Day, and his response was literally “……..I don’t understand what’s happening.”
Me either. The remedy is cake.
Luckily any day can be Cake Day.
Nothing makes me feel more like an old man yelling at a cloud than the social-media-fueled proliferation of faux holidays for damn near everything. Did you know that today is also National Crepe Suzette Day? Why. Why is this a thing.
The new office manager at my work is a huge fan of these. So far she just seems to use it as an excuse to buy us all cupcakes/donuts/candy on the office budget so I’m tentatively behind it.
It’s also quench your thirst day! https://twitter.com/dakimel/status/72862048403260…
(I use these weird things as an excuse to post mostly-shirtless men daily. You know, for my job.)
But days that celebrate certain people are the worst, because “Do you have a youngest brother who’s the glue that holds your family together? Then tag him here to show you appreciate him, otherwise we will all assume you hate your youngest brother / uncle / great-niece / step-grandfather.)” And all over social media we will be subjected to seeing pictures of those people, with messages of “Happy youngest brother’s day, dude! I wouldn’t be a middle child without you. Love, me.” Ughh, couldn’t you have just told him in person? (And if you saw him in person, would you even bother?) It’s not like all your other friends will now want to ALSO wish him happy youngest brother’s day. (I can’t stand siblings’ day especially, but fortunately all my siblings feel the same. There are so many of us. Just our family alone would generate… 25 messages, I’m guessing, by weird magic math. Does anyone really want to trawl through 25 messages about my family alone?)
Edit: But funny holidays like Crepes Suzettes Day have been around for a long time. I remember an old email forward (remember those?) where you could go to a site and look up what funny holiday was on your birthday, like National Waffle Day in Belgium. I don’t know if that’s a real one.)
Edit 2 – I am sick and tired of “May the fourth be with you.” Someone posted that the other day and said “Never gets old!” and I soooo wanted to reply “Yes it does. Please stop.”
Exhausting week! More in the reply.
It’s day 37 of no-contact with Bex. I haven’t broken yet, BUT–
Thesis statement: I’m not sure how much of what I’m experiencing is grief and how much is depression coming back out to play? Are there Toast hugs on offer? Soothing noises?
More detail:
I’m in a choir. Actually I’m in three choirs, but this is about one of them. I auditioned for this group because I wanted to feel competent, useful, proud, worthwhile. Breaking up with Bex made it hard to feel those things. (So did the couple of years prior to the breakup, when I spent trying not to want the things that I wanted in a relationship– more together time, reassurance, the monogamous commitment we’d started out with.) And now I’m not feeling competent, useful, proud, worthwhile.
Choir is starting to feel like an obligation. Getting there and back via public transit takes an amount of time and money that, for me, is kind of a big deal. I’ll have a four-hour rehearsal tomorrow, a dress rehearsal Wednesday, and three concerts next week. That’s … almost $40 spent getting to and from choir-related events in the space of a week. At least now that I’m up to 15 hours a week at work, that’s 40% of my available funds for the week, rather than ALL my available funds. (I’m not counting the food I’ll need to contribute the receptions, but I probably should be.) If I get selected for jury duty (please God no), I’m already going to have a very lean next few weeks.
I don’t want choir to feel like an obligation. They waived my semester dues. They are kind folks, and the repertoire is awesome. And weekly, purposeful human contact is important for me, especially post-breakup. Especially the singing kind. But I’m starting to have an impulse to hide under the blankets and not come out, and I can’t tell yet if that’s in response to an actual uptick in life stressors or if that’s an indication that my depression is kicking up again.
Also, and probably related: my voice has been frustratingly undependable for the last month. There’s noticeably less flexibility and agility to it, and it cuts out disconcertingly often (or, worse, splits) when I sing softly (or in my low range, where the repertoire for this concert hangs out). I’ve been playing it off as allergies, but I think it might be crying-related or caffeine-related. Or both.
I don’t want one of my self-care methods– singing with other people– to be less feasible because of my other self-care methods (crying, tea)!
I also don’t want to feel like I’m making the ensemble worse by my presence. That would be entirely counterproductive. It is a familiar narrative, and it precedes me withdrawing and Everything Getting Suckier.
Also, looking back, I have a history of getting really worked up about my responsibility to Someone Else (choir, Bex, students, orchestra, friends, teachers, parents) in order to avoid thinking about Yet Scarier Personal Things, so I suspect that somewhere under all the logistical frittering I’m doing, there is a large actual tiger with a taste for whollyword.
Help?
🙁
*toast hugs*
Keep looking for the tiger.
Keep singing.
Thank you.
Are you seeing a counselor currently? That’s definitely something to look into once finances loosen up I think. You’ve been through a ton lately! You deserve someone on your side with the background to help you pick through it.
Secondly, these are things I think:
1. It’s ok to spend money on stuff that is about self-care (for me this is going out to a place with friends — having friends over or going to their house doesn’t make me feel as good as getting together at like, a nice coffeeshop or a pub). It’s even ok to sometimes spend slightly unwisely because the mental health benefits you’re getting are more important in the moment. I’m not saying be reckless, but if it’ll even out over the next month or two, I think it’s ok.
2. It’s also ok to decide that you don’t have the resources right now to continue to devote to one of the three choirs you are in. Only you can decide if that would take your self-care benefits down below an acceptable level, but it seems to me like if you had two other outlets AND you weren’t causing yourself quite so much stress about money, you might be able to actually get MORE out of the other two.
3. It’s even ok to decide to quit this choir EVEN IF the people have been super nice and accommodating. You don’t actually owe them your mental health just because they waived a fee, you know?
4. If the voice thing continues maybe see a doc?
Also, here is this:
Thank you.
Also, now I want to pet an owl. It is nice to have an aspiration to focus on. 🙂
I got a call excusing me from jury duty, on the basis that losing 3.5 weeks of pay was going to be a financial hardship.
So, that is one thing sorted. I feel significant relief about this.
TToasties – I have to focus on work instead of the OT because maybe maybe maybe I’ll be able to leave a bit early. (I’m planning an amazing staycation for the galpal for this weekend. EEEEEEeeeee! I’ll tell y’all about it next week) But first! I have to say thank you to everyone who donated to my NNAF bowl-a-thon. Our city’s abortion fund set a goal of 5,000. At the start of the bowl-a-thon, we had actually raised 10,000! And then, of course, there were raffles and t-shirt sales and all kinds of donations coming in the day of the bowling.
This was heartwarming on its own, but the fact that some amazing toasties—people I have never met, who don’t even know my real name—donated because I put one little link in an Open Thread really has made me tear up. I have always called the-toast the best place on the internet, but I didn’t even know, y’all. This amazing community blows me away.
Congratulations on the successful fund drive, but to be honest I’m mostly commenting because god damn your eyebrows are perfect.
commenting because your shirt and I am currently reading Hunger Makes Me A Modern Girl.
Running thread!
Thanks to everyone who so kindly encouraged me and gave last minute tips for my May 1st half marathon. I am happy to report that I made it through, in rain and wind, in a time that I am proud of. I am marveling at how amzing the human body can be. It feels so good to train for something and see it through, and doing it in a completely kind and reasonable way. I am registered for a full marathon in October (Atlantic City woot woot).
Where are my Toastie Runners at?
WELL FUCKING DONE YOU. Congratulations, that is so exciting!!
I semi-impulsively registered for a 10K that’s tomorrow morning. I have to tack on two miles at the end to get in my miles for the day, but that’s fine. Next weekend is my 12-miler and then TAPER until May 28’s half-marathon, and then I have like a week before training for October’s full marathon starts in earnest. (Hello, fellow fall-marathoner!) Based on my training run last week, I should beat my current half-marathon PR by twelve minutes or so, which is great, and leaves me in spitting distance of being really confident about my goal time for October.
Thank you!
The 10K sounds fun. I just registered for one with a friend in Central Park on Jun 11th.
May 28th halfer woo hoo! That is awesome on your PR. I personally have not set them, things for me get a little slippery when I put “goals” on exercise (always working on my recovery with food and exercise issues). I admire people that can do that in a healthy non-compulsive way!
My “official” training date for the Fall marathon, according to the plan I am using, begins June 21st.
Do you (or anyone else in the running thread) have a rain jacket that works in the rain? There seem to be so many to choose from.
YEAAAAAAH RUNNERS.
My 1/2 is this weekend. I don’t think I’ll do a full ever though. I can’t imagine doing something like that for 4 + hours. My next race after that is a 10 miler.
I’m finally getting used to running without headphones and I think it’s made me more consistent with pace because I don’t rely on music for rhythm anymore.
Best of luck with the half this weekend!! I hope the weather is pleasant and the run is easy!
I LOVE running with my ear buds, I just don’t think I could do it without a podcast or fun music to listen to. How long did it take you to break the ear bud habit? Do you use an app or Fitbit to track your pace?
It’s supposed to maybe rain during and super windy after I plan on finishing. As long as it’s not as bad the run I did last year (15k, cold, heavy wind, rain on a great lake, a hill the first 4.5 miles, not hills. A SINGLE HILL) and it’s local so I know the course fairly well. The hills aren’t too bad going out and not too bad coming back in.
I’d say about a year off and on? I ran with them most of last year and tailed off this year, because I was supposed to run a half last month (snowstorm, so I bailed) and there was a no headphone rule so I tried cutting it out for most of my runs.
I use a Garmin discontinued GPS watch right now. I used to just bring my phone with runkeeper and Zombies, Run but it’s heavy and I hate bringing my big pack on runs when all I need is my ID, keys, and inhaler.
You are a weather rockstar! I thought i was tough running through the rain/wind last weekend, but no hills to deal with.
I still don’t know about no earphones though! I have heard of some races banning them, but it seems like the ones I am interested allow them. It never ocurred to me that it wouldn’t be allowed!
Woah, coincidence: My half is also this weekend, and my next one is also a 10 miler! Best of luck with yours!
I am definitely a headphone user, though… er, one ear bud user, as I run outside, and like to hear what’s going on. Podcasts keep me going, and also laughing while running.
Best of luck to everyone with training!
Wait, do you live near Southeast Wisconsin and did we just become best friends?
That would be amazing, but I am in Baltimore. BUT also a librarian (how did I not catch that before??).
It’s been raining for a week straight, and I’m hoping it tapers off by Sunday morning (race day).
Best of luck with your half on Sunday!!
I have been off and on again working through a C25K programme, but I’ve been off schedule and hit a wall* and my left calf keeps cramping, and UGH discouraged.
So… will be running again tomorrow, either starting back at Week 1, Day 1; or just with tunes and my own run/walk/as needed framework.
* metaphorical wall, not an actual wall
Metaphorical walls are the only ones I know!
Best of luck with the C25K program, I have heard such good things about it. Be gentle and good to yourself, I hate to sound airy on this but we get one body! Might as well be nice to it. I know for myself when I have those moments where I am hating my run, I acknowledge it and allow myself to hate it, if that makes sense. I’ll change the song on my ear buds, or maybe speed up a bit or slow down? It seems to shake the feeling for me.
Acknowledgment works wonders for me too. 💕
What I found works for me and my dumb left calf is massaging it and stretching. Like, just beat the crap out of that calf until it stops cramping (in a massage like manner). Whatever stretches that feel good to your calf is probably good.
Depending on how long you’ve been off, you may be able to start at a later date like Week 3 or something. Whatever happens, you’re doing the thing and that’s awesome.
You can do it! Get back up on that metaphorical horse and keep on keeping on!
Thank you!!
That’s so awesome.
I signed up for my first 20k trail run at the end of June, but last Saturday I got a stress fracture on my foot. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to do it. They say it’s 6-weeks until you can run again, but I’m worried I’ll be out of shape by then.
Thank you!
A 20K trail run sounds AMAZING. That sucks about your stress fracture, always best to be cautious with these things! Personally I wouldn’t worry too much about fitness, I don’t think our bodies forget/lose ability as quickly as we think they do? What does the doctor say?
The doctor said it will be about 6 weeks until I’m good to go, and I can maybe start slowly at 4ish weeks.
Swimming or stationary bike?
Good idea. I’ve been meaning to take swimming lessons anyway, as my current swimming technique is a sort of froggy style with sporadic leg kicks.
That’s wonderful! Congratulations on seeing it through!
I’m not as ambitious, but I’ve recently discovered I like races, so I did the James Joyce Ramble 10K. You run the race and actors stand along the sidelines and read out loud from Joyce. It was exactly as ridiculous as it sounds and it made the whole thing very cheery and festive.
Wow that sounds incredible! And right up Toastie Runner Alley!
I really love the energy at the races, I find it very touching that all of these yahoos all trained for the same thing and now, look here we all arrreeee!
I finally have a reason to keep with my running schedule! That is AMAZING!
All the yays for running!
Good job! I’m so glad that you triumphed over weather!
I managed to make it through my 12K last weekend with the help of at least 3 free otterpops that were being given away along the road. I’m doing my best to keep up with running and I really need to get around to making an appointment to get my knee looked at.
I love the idea of otterpops cheering you on! has your knee been bothering you? So far so good, I have not had too many aches.
The sugar boost from the otterpops was super helpful.
My knee has been kind of bothering me for a couple months and I just keep putting off dealing with it…like an adult…
I’m running a half marathon at the end of May! I’m really excited to run it with my aunt. I may be a little bit slower than normal, but it means a lot to me because she was the person who first inspired me to take up running! Training has been a little all over the place thanks to exams/moving, but I’m hoping to pick it up next week!
Amazing! Best of luck, it is such a fun experience.
YAY TOASTIE RUNNERS! GREAT JOB WITH YOUR HALF AND I’M SO GLAD YOU HAD A GOOD TIME!!!
And thanks for the encouragement for my first full! It rained the whole time, which was actually something of a blessing since I was not looking forward to running for hours in any type of heat. My spouse and aunt came out to cheer for me, and they did a great job of popping up at significant miles (3, 11, 18, 23). I cruised through the first half at just the pace I wanted, second half was slower but I made it without hitting the wall. That last 10k was definitely a slog, but getting to the last mile and knowing I was going to finish was incredible.
I made my B and C finish goals and came close enough to my A goal that I think I could make it next time. When there will be a next time is still in question – this one was really difficult and half marathons are SO MUCH more fun. I think I’ll spend the summer getting more into speed training and trying out weight lifting so I can try to beat my PR in some halfs (halves?) this fall.
Another Toastie Runner! Planning my first full marathon in late August in Reykjavik! Curious to see how many toenails I’ll have by that point!
Many congrats on running a strong half especially in crappy conditions. I’ll have to do better at commentsing to stay posted on how everyone’s running is going!
Cycling thread!
Today was a great day for biking to work! Sunny and in the mid-50s this morning, with highs in the 70s. Perfect. I just put on a new rear tire and tube because the previous ones exploded for some reason. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I currently ride an old Schwinn Breeze 3-speed, which works well enough, but I do wonder if I should “upgrade” to a more modern commuter bike at any point. Toasties, what bike do you use to commute, and how did you decide upon that particular make/model?
My bike is a Linus Mixte 8-speed. http://www.linusbike.com/products/mixte-8#detaile…
Things I wanted in a bike: cute and vintage-looking, rack for pannier bags, step-through because i have the shortest legs, multiple speeds to deal with hills, internal gear-shifter, and fenders.
No regrets, I am completely and madly in love with this bike after using it as my only means of transport in a VERY HILLY town for a summer. It rides like a dream.
If you don’t need 8 speeds they also have the 3-speed version for about half the price!
Brilliant! I live in Chicago, aka Flatlandia, so I don’t need more than three. That is a very nice bike, and I’ll keep it in mind for possible future upgrades! It meets all the requirements I had when looking for a commuter.
I have the three-speed! It’s lovely. I’ve had it for four years now (I did not realize it had been that long) and all it’s needed was annual tune-ups. I got it in cream and tbh the paint job looks kind of terrible now because it picks up the colour of every lockup I’ve locked it to, but since I need to store it outside (locked up, of course) I feel like that might actually work to my advantage, in that no one wants to steal a crap-looking bike.
Step-through? There’s a term for the part of the bike that dips down on lady bikes that I’ve literally just been calling the vagina gap?
Ha! Yep a “step-through” frame is the term these days – takes the gendered aspect out of it.
I tend to read words backwards and I was really excited for a “crying thread”.
Sometimes biking makes me cry. I have a single speed that I ride in aptly named Chapel Hill. it was a 16th birthday gift, many years ago.
I just bought this (in the robin’s egg blue), and I love it: http://www.feltbicycles.com/USA/2016/Bikes/fitnes…
I haven’t had a bike in years but decided it was time to get back into it and enlisted a friend who cycles to help me shop – basically I told him “I’m looking for kind of a Dutch-lady bike but lightweight?” and he found it for me. The bike shop put a big rear basket on it and now I’m sorted for work commute, trips to the farmer’s market, and bags of cat food.
Also out of the way: the season’s inaugural spill (I am not the world’s most graceful lady, and trying not to ride off the path when meeting a cyclist coming the other way under a bridge is…challenging).
Yikes! I’ve been commuting for two years and haven’t had a fall yet. I’m attributing it to the protection charm I have lashed to the handlebars.
brb getting me a protection charm
I’m a big cyclist, like racing and stuff, so take this advice with the idea that this is something I spend way too much time, money, and thought on. When it’s actually halfway decent weather and not in the 40s (F) in May, I commute on an old cyclocross bike (redline conquest) with fenders, a rack for bags/panniers, and really wide road tires. I’ve had a full kennel of Redlines by now (3 currently, 2 older ones in the past), so I know their sizing inside out, and I bought this recent one of either ebay or craigslist, can’t remember.
If you’re interested in something with road style dropbars (the really curvy kind), I’d suggest looking at cyclocross or gravel bikes, which are both pretty popular now, as they’re versatile and generally have the necessary bolt holes for things like fenders or racks. Otherwise, I’d go to a non-condescending bike shop and try out what they have to figure out what you’d like. It can be a big investment, so you should feel free to bounce on any bike shop that tries to get you to purchase immediately.
I agree with this comment! I have a Brodie (Canadian) cyclocross bike and I love love love it. Light enough for carrying up stairs and in and out of people’s cars, lots of positions for my hands, rugged enough for some trail riding, lots of mounts for fenders and racks, and super zippy when I need it to be.
I was considering upgrading earlier in the year, and spent a lot of time in and out of bike shops. Like RLoves said, just drop any shop that doesn’t treat you well and don’t be afraid to ask lots and lots of questions.
Definitely do not like the dropbars one bit, no sir. I tried riding a bike with dropbars once and I felt like I was going to die. I’m a pleb who prefers an upright cycling position.
Jealous! I’m in the northeast and it’s been raining here all week.
My bike is a 70’s 12-speed road bike I got used for $40. Before that I rode a schwinn hybrid, which annoyed me because between the wider tires and upright position it felt like there was way too much drag and getting to and from work every day was a battle against physics. The road bike gets around that nicely and has speeds for almost every hill I could probably ever encounter, but I do wish it had more storage. And fenders. One day!
Fenders were a prerequisite for any bike I got. I see people commuting in their work clothes without fenders, and I scream internally.
I have a Marin Larkspur (similar to this http://www.marinbikes.com/ca/bikes/description/20… but with a step-through upper bar) that’s about six years old. I have been really happy with it. I use it for light commuting (I live in an urban area, neither work nor anything else is all that far).
I went to a local, family-run bike store and they were super helpful. I chose the Marin for a few reasons: I live in an apartment and bike storage is in the basement, so I wanted something not too heavy; I wanted a good bike and was willing to pay for that (I spent around ~$650 Canadian), but I didn’t want something flashy that would be a target for theft (which is a serious problem here); and it had to come in a small frame, because I am short and, even for my height, have short legs.
I’m so excited about summer and being back out on my biiiiike
But today my chain went off the gear and got stuck TWICE, which is easy to fix but really obnoxious, since then I show up at work with grease all over my hands. I should start carrying latex gloves in my bag for this purpose.
That’s a really good idea.
Hey, I’m late but if you want to prevent your chain from falling off in the future, it’s a pretty easy fix you can do with just a screwdriver! Figure out whether the chain is falling off the front gears or the rear, then google/youtube “limit screw adjustment [front/rear] derailleur.” I’m also happy to type out an explanation if the internets fail you, just let me know!
Thanks! I got it tuned up a couple weeks ago and I’m kind of annoyed that this has started happening since then, but doing some DIY is definitely better than just stopping and pulling over to put the chain back all the time.
I commute on a Cannondale synapse from about ten years ago (relatively new to me, bought used off craigslist). It’s a road bike, drop bars, I commute with a backpack.
I LOVE it – I live in a relatively hilly city and I have a commute that’s a little over 6 miles long. I had a hybrid (some mid 80s Trek) for the first year or so I lived here and I didn’t enjoy riding it and it was a huge pain so I only commuted some of the time. Since getting a road bike I commute a vast majority of the time – it’s SO much nicer and easier and I enjoy it orders of magnitude more. I see a lot of things online that are really aggressive about commuter bikes being a certain type (beater hybrid with panniers, ideally) but the biggest thing getting me from occasional reluctant bike commuter to pretty much full time was getting a bike that I loved riding.
On the one hand, I sometimes would like to go faster, and I know getting a road bike would allow that.
On the other hand, I like being comfortable, and the hybrid bikes are definitely more comfortable.
Conflict!
Mmsees! Please email me at ToastiePost@gmail, you didn’t include your email address in your toast post form so I can’t send you your matches!!
Ah oh no! Sorry for the confusion! I sent you an email earlier (margaret . mylastname @ gmail), let me know if you don’t see it and will send again.
I ride a Pashley Princess Classic, which is unexpectedly twee for me.
The new East-West and North-South Cycle Super Highways just opened in London this week! Which means that I can now cycle virtually all the way to/from work without having to mingle with motor traffic! I take the E-W route and it follows the Embankment along the Thames and up past Big Ben, which is really nice. Plus it’s really warm and sunny this week. So, suddenly, the most stressful part of my day has finally become the nicest!
Nice! An old elevated train bed south of my house was converted to a mixed-use trail last summer, and it’s really nice. It takes a bit longer to get to work if I use it, but the upshot is I’m considerably less likely to get hit by a car.
hello rudyred, it’s sunday at 745 so yep I’m late to the party – but! I currently don’t bike to work but did for many years, and until it was ruthlessly and cruelly stolen from my locked garden (while still locked to the house! I’m not bitter.), I rode a bianchi milano parco 3-speed and it was the most marvelous bicycle I have ever own.
bah it was perfect. so comfortable, such smooth and luscious shifting. the asshole who stole it had better fucking not just stripped for glorious italian parts.
Reading thread! I’ve been looking for new (preferably nerdy, gay, or literary) websites to follow, now that summer is icumen in and I have more time to waste. Which are the websites you check every day? Mine are here, Autostraddle, and VSB.
The Billfold and Ask a Manager are my other main websites, though I also have Deadspin, Jezebel, and io9 in my Feedly (among, you know, many many others).
I’m currently reading Gavin de Becker’s The Gift of Fear, and other than side-eyeing some bits of his domestic violence chapter (I’d been forewarned about that, and I’m glad I was) it is really good. Lots of food for thought, highly recommend it.
Update on my solicitation of your reading recs for short stories! I loved Karen Russell SO MUCH from Vampires in the Lemon Grove that I went to B&N specifically to get a second of hers but they had none. SO I went back to your list and picked up Kelly Link’s Get in Trouble. Brava, each and every Toastie who chimed in! How lucky I am to have found you <3
Karen Russell is so great. I LOVE St. Lucy’s Home for Girls Raised by Wolves, one of my favourites. A writer friend of mine met her at a conference and sent me a signed copy of her short stories, so cool!
Book rec request: Good histories, preferably ones that don’t totally focus on Europe/ The US? Also any interesting books of letters, from literally anyone?
what periods/countries/areas are you interested in?
Here are some random recommendations from my shelf:
-Bell/London was Ours — not letters, but diaries — interesting look at London during the Blitz: http://www.amazon.com/London-Was-Ours-Internation…
-it’s been out for awhile, but Greg Grandin’s Fordlandia is SO interesting: http://www.amazon.com/Fordlandia-Henry-Fords-Forg…
-I loved Sadiya Hartman’s Lose Your Mother: http://www.amazon.com/Lose-Your-Mother-Journey-At…
I always check Book Riot and have been reading Lenny, since it now has a fully fledged website.
My partner might be moving here in July, after more than a year of living 500 miles apart. [cue emojis of horns blowing, firecrackers, Flamenco dancers, etc.]
That is so wonderful! The end of long distance is such a great feeling.
God damn it, CleverManka. How is your celebratory gif game always so gloriously on point?
😀
OH, THIS MAKES MY DAY.
You are all so lovely.
Just this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UPtJxbj0OPs
Korean cat cafe livestream (unfortunately, the livestream is only available within Korea, so it’s youtube for now), pretty much irl neko atsume. Purrrfect end to a long drizzly week.
More IRL NekoAtsume: https://youtu.be/Zi9cK-lI190
aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! *squeeeeeeeeeeeee*
oh my goooooooooodddddd I kept noticing more and more cats, were they appearing? always there? ahhhhhhhhh
Food question for the brain trust: What’s the absolute simplest (as in low number of ingredients, ease of preparation, relatively clean/nutritious) thing you can imagine eating, possibly twice a day, for a week solid? I shop Sunday morning, fill my backpack! (I’m not going hiking, I just shop on foot and need a backpack for the food or duh, Clif bars)
oatmeal. oatmeal with peanut butter! oatmeal with honey and salt and nuts! oatmeal with all the things!
Seconding this. Get steel cut oats and you can add literally anything to it. Peanut butter, honey, salt, dates? Yes. Chocolate syrup, nutella, crushed-up cookies? Yes. Bacon, parmesan cheese, olive oil, salt, pepper, chili pepper flakes? Also yes. (Put a poached/over easy egg on it, too. Omg.) Make it in a crock pot so it’s just THERE and graze on it throughout the day. It can be as simple or as fancy as you want it to be and pretty much any ingredient can be dumped on top of it to fancy it up.
(I worked at a restaurant that served literally just oatmeal with fancy toppings and lived off oatmeal for breakfast and lunch the entire time I was there. It is actually delightful.)
If it’s available, I’d vote kasha for the same reason. Kasha with milk and jam. Kasha with veggies and meat. It’s so versatile!
My other vote would probably go to peanut butter.
Rice and beans are great! I like black beans with some minced garlic and chopped canned adobo peppers/sauce. Just throw it all in a pot and simmer. If I’m feeling fancy, I’ll fake a pilaf, sauteeing some onion before adding the rice to toast a minute.
yes! black beans with garlic/onions/spices. when you warm them up at each mealtime you can make tacos, cover them in cheese, put em over rice…whatever, to fool your brain into thinking these are different meals.
an apple. or celery & peanut/almond butter.
I think the most minimal meal prep I would plan for a week would be: eggs, chicken breasts (gardein veggie ones for me), multigrain bread, sharp cheddar cheese, romaine lettuce, spinach, cherry tomatoes, lemons and herbs. I would do a lot of crunchy side salads, various styles of eggs (omelettes, frittatas, etc.), chicken breasts on top or in sandwiches, do a starbucks “protein box” style thing for lunch with sliced chicken breast, hardboiled egg, slices of cheese. Maybe some almonds and apples to round it out.
All of these are making me happy and hungry, but I want to come to your house for lunch right now, damn.
Yay! Glad to hear I’m not the only one who loves eating like this! 🙂
Porridge. I eat it for at least breakfast everyday September-March. And when I was a broke student I often ate it for dinner too.
I so feel you on the shopping on foot thing. It is so hard and I always end up carrying more stuff than I expected.
I used to have a push-cart, but now, whooee–I just count it all as strength training.
I really really want a granny cart but I’m not brave enough. There’s a few really cook young people with them near me, but I am not cool enough too pull off the ironically cool look.
I am not cool enough, but I can do the “Eff off, I’m buying for my co-op” face.
Haha I had a sort of granny cart in grad school, and all my flatmates made fun of me for it (and there were NO non-grannies or cool people using them) but it sure made things convenient, and I think my flatmates did actually envy the convenience. But yeah, it was embarrassing.
My mom (who is a granny) bought it for me – “Look at this convenient thing I found!” It was a bag with large pop-out wheels, but it could fold up to look almost like a purse.
It’s probably no consolation but I’m not the least bit cool! A friend gave me mine when its owner passed away and my dad was no longer driving but we still needed to hit the food bank. Very little room for an ironic handlebar mustache in that scenario. I was so excited to have it I would yell hello to anyone else I saw with one and frightened several shy older ladies. Also not cool.
I never ever get a cart, basket(s) only… that way I know when I need to be done.
Also good for doing biceps curls in line. #feeltheburn
Scrambled eggs on toast. With a fruit I guess eventually. But eggs are a pain in a backpack…
I can actually get fancy ones at the farmers market which is practically outside my door, so no problems there. I got into an arugula omelet groove as a result of regular attendance there.
Summer sausage + cheese + pita bread.
Plain grilled hamburger patties? I could eat those for breakfast every morning. Just pop one in the microwave, dollop with a condiment, and eat with a fork. If you’re a vegetarian, obviously ground beef won’t work, but maybe some frozen Gardenburgers?
I do the same with bean burgers that I make myself. Take a weekend afternoon to make bunch from scratch with beans, bread crumbs, assorted veggies, a couple eggs. Grill and then store in fridge or freezer. Pop out and reheat as needed.
They’re so good with so many things! Chop and put on a salad. Add a fried egg on top. Eat with literally any condiment or (better yet) salsa and avocado. And don’t forget cheese. Always be cheese.
Yes! Weekend food prep is so helpful. Mmm. Burgers. God, I haven’t had a bean burger in ages. That sounds so tasty right now.
I basically eat them breakfast, lunch, and dinner for a couple weeks until I have both eaten all of them and also can’t stand to look at another bean burger for a while. Then I binge cook something else (pasta casserole! baked oatmeal squares!), and the cycle continues.
this is basically my favorite black bean veggie burger recipe. The yogurt sauce is equally as delicious.
Yum. I have not tried quinoa or tomato paste, so maybe I will give those a whirl next time!
It’s been ages since I had Boca Burgers, and I really do love the simplicity of just eating a Food Unit sometimes. This may be the week for it!
Couscous is super fast and easy to make (add to boiling water and let sit 5 min), and it’s good for mixing in a protein and a vegetable to get something moderately nutritionally-rounded-ish. I often add frozen peas and scrambled egg, plus some garlic/basil/whatever to taste.
Couscous + chickpeas + feta cheese basically kept me alive in college.
Boneless, skinless chicken thighs (they are easy and quick to bake a bunch at once, and they freeze easily). Plus some salad mix. Boom, you have my lunch every day that I don’t forget it.
Lentil/veggie soup from a can, or toast with sardines (and kale sautéed really fast on the side if you have time). I eat both of these meals multiple times per week. But I acknowledge that lotsa people hate sardines.
Those people are wrong! This strikes me as the lunch/dinner a Dick Francis character would prepare and makes me happy to contemplate.
Remember the Dick Francis book where the family had two freezers, one entirely filled with pizzas, the other entirely filled with beef sandwiches, and that’s all they ate? And the main character blew their minds by chopping up the beef from the beef sandwiches and making a shepherd’s pie?
My go-to simple meal is a kale-based taco. Whole wheat tortilla, sharp cheddar, sauteed kale, and then scrambled eggs or meat or fish. (I’m in Alaska, so I end up eating a lot of moosemeat and salmon.) With lime and salsa and sriracha of course, and avocado if I have it.
Oh my god, I need to find that book–it must be one of the tiny handful that escaped me. I hope it’s called PIZWICH, which could sort of be a racehorse’s name. (And I didn’t realize people really eat moose! I’ll pass on that as a Bullwinkle fan in low-moose California, but you do you out there in the frozen tundra).
Yes, well, as a Bullwinkle fan myself, I often look at the contents of my freezer and think, “Congratulations, Squirrel! You are the proud father of a dead moose.”
I looked up the Dick Francis – it’s called Longshot. Not one of his best, I think, but it has its moments.
OK, that’s hilarious. Longshot is one of my favorite among his novels not on general Dick Francis principles (bc you’re right; by that metric it’s just okay) but because I am painfully obsessive about survival kits. God, no wonder I missed the shepherd’s pie–the whole time I was reading I was trying to find things that fit in an Altoids tin but could defend me against a bear/mugger/Trump voter. Now I want to reread it for the food!
I just had a baguette with sardines for dinner, before reading your post, and it was delicious. Also a piece of Red Dragon cheese and red wine.
two recipes, both from orangette, both based on a can of beans & like 3 other ingredients (one w/o any need to cook):
parmesan lemon chickpea salad
cumin & oregano black beans
i make both of these at least once a week when i’m not feeling like cooking.
That lemon chickpea salad is also great if you double the dressing and throw it all on top of a bunch of spinach.
This week it has been what I will call the Shame Pile (TM), Mexican Edition.
Layer in a bowl: shredded grocery store rotisserie chicken, onions and green peppers (I saute up a huge batch on Sunday night), a glop of refried beans from a can, a glop of either or both sour cream and guac.
The other thing I eat all the time is a low-carb tortilla smeared with crunchy peanut butter and rolled up around a couple slices of bacon.
Stuff I make on Sunday and then eat all week: baked oatmeal (~6 servings per batch, see budgetbytes.com for many varieties); kale + sausage soup; quesadilla filling (1 bag of shredded cheese + 1 can of drained black beans + small chopped onion + handful frozen corn + 1-2 chipotles + spices will make enough for 10 quesadillas!); quinoa (cooked, 1 cup dry) + kale (Tuscan, 1 bunch, cut into thin strips) with nuts & dried fruit & either green goddess or honey mustard dressing added before eating.
No idea why it never occurred to me to prepare a batch of quesadilla filling/s, that is seriously a great idea.
Cheese and crackers and an apple. Or cheese and apple slices between bread.
I love a good goat cheese, apple, and cracker combo!
I was going to say bread, cheese, apple. Repeat with variations of a, b, and c.
I actually can’t manage that little variety for every meal, but I did this for lunch the whole couple of months I was working in the British Library because all the restaurants were too expensive.
Maybe that for lunches, pasta with variations for dinner, jam toast for breakfast. Carby but sustaining.
It is killing me that you didn’t put that in “apple, bread, cheese” order… 🙂
I’ve been eating eggplant caponata sandwiches for a week and I’m not sick of them yet.
Avocado toast! With a nice sprinkle of balsamic or lemon, bit of salt, radishes, maybe?
Bowl of salsa and black beans with plain yogurt and maybe more chopped up avocado, leftover from the toast situation.
Ramen noodles, with the broth replaced with miso, and an egg cracked in.
Things on toast- tomatoes and ricotta, mushrooms and cheese with the mushrooms cooked ahead of time.
Tacos! I ate them 4 times for dinner this past week. I made a big batch of carnitas in the slow cooker last weekend and used that as filling until it ran out. After that I used baked and shredded chicken breast. I bought a big package of white corn tortillas (if you have a gas stove, you can heat them up right over the flame, just flipping every few seconds). Toppings varied, but included: quick pickled red onions (Rick Bayless has a good recipe), pinto beans and corn with a bit of green onion and cilantro tossed in, shredded cabbage (I used the pre-shredded stuff meant for cole slaw), sliced avocado, lots of lime juice. The possibilities are endless!
This made me realize that I have almost all the ingredients for tacos in my fridge already, waiting to be used up, so I’m going to buy some ground beef and shells after work, and that’s my dinners all weekend (which is great because I won’t have time to cook tomorrow or sunday). Thank you!
This suggestion plus your username counts as TWO suggestions. Extra credit!
This is doubly great because my email showed no replies, but BOOM! Genius suggestions overload! Bookmarked for future no-idea days, thank you.
Peanut butter toast & Eggs With Stuff are my two biggest lazy meals. If I know I’m going to be too busy/lazy to actually cook more than once a week, I’ll make a big batch of pasta with some kind of vegetable & whatever kind of sauce, and then just take a bowlful out here and there.
I am also an on-foot shopper and getting all of my canned/boxed goods from Amazon prime is a life-saver: black beans, Amy’s soups, tomato sauce, vegan mac & cheese. Then all you need from the grocery store are your fresh and frozens.
I know people who love AP but I limit my patronage as much as possible, and am also a food stamp user, so I’ve gotta show up to get fed. (Which is fine, really, I need the fresh air). I do like the idea of getting soup in the mail though, for some weird reason.
Chickpea flour, mixed with water and salt until there are no lumps, then cooked for 5 to 10 minutes until it is thick and porridgey / soft polenta-like in texture. (I use 1.5 c. flour to 7 c. water and 2 tsp. salt.) I can vouch for it being good with any of the following things:
– noodles
– chopped greens
– tangy vegetables like tomato or bell pepper
– fried onion
– a fried egg
– a little bit of an assertive cheese sprinkled on top
– mushrooms
– nuts
It is versatile in the way that polenta is, but it takes less time to cook and tides me over longer. Also, it will set up like soft tofu when it is chilled.
In summer when I can’t bear to eat food served hot or heat the house with cooking, I will throw open all the windows and make a giant vat of pasta salad. I boil a big box of short twisty pasta, and then add any combination of the following to it once it’s cooled and drained: sliced black olives, matchstick carrots, diced cucumber, diced tomato, diced red onion, little bits of broccoli, diced bell peppers. Store in the fridge; scoop out a cup whenever you’re hungry and dress with crumbled cheese (I like feta or goat) and Italian dressing or olive oil and vinegar.
Not only does this sound good, it SMELLS good to read about. This year I read that if you put pasta into boiling water, cover and turn off the heat, it cooks in the same time it would anyway. I tried it with some 33 cent macaroni and it came out *perfect*. My mind is still blown.
Mujaddara! (lentils and rice and caramelized onions)
Usually I’ll make a huge batch of this on Sunday night and have it for lunch through the week. It’s great on its own and you can also dress it up with other proteins, roasted veggies, etc.
Lemon juice and spinach are pretty dang good in mujaddara, maybe with a raitha spiked with ginger and lemon zest.
In summer I can live off of bread/rolls, cheese, tomatoes, and cucumbers! Maybe throw in some avocados and eggs and olives. You can do sandwiches, salads, make gazpacho or an omelette, or just have it tapas style with some red wine and a bar of dark chocolate.
Unfortunately you really need good tomatoes for this, so that does limit it.
Beans and rice are a classic here. Add or subtract anything you can afford. Onion, garlic, a small piece of meat. What you want to do here is get the biggest protein bang for your buck. After that you really want to buy vegetables – red, green, purple, orange. These things do keep the shine in your eyes and the gums in your mouth.
Basic fake Thai curry –
tin of Thai curry paste
can of coconut milk
bag of frozen veggies you enjoy
optional: meat, steamed rice
throw the curry paste in a hot skillet and sautee it for a minute or so. mix in the coconut milk and stir until it is mixed in. once it is hot, add the veggies and cook until they are at your desired level of softness.
i get 2-3 meals out of this “recipe” so scale up to make an amount that will last a week?
You reminded me that I used to do a tofu/sweet potato/spinach Thai curry like this regularly & have completely drifted from it. A double-recipe and a pot of rice would be sustaining and it’s one of those things that on the fourth day I’m still thinking “Oh! I can’t believe I have this delicious food to eat!” (Unlike the beans I made last week which kind of missed the mark)
yum!!! I am at a low money low groceries point in the month and curry like this is definitely an excellent sustaining food for e right now.
I really like avocados, so I’m pretty happy to mash up some ripe avocados with a little salt and lime, and then apply to other foods for variation. Tortilla chips? Add tomato and onions, plus whatever spices: instaguac. Crusty bread? Mash up a can of chickpeas and mix in with the avocado 50/50, more protein than avocado alone. Tortillas, a protein, and some veggies and cilantro: tacos. Use as a condiment on sandwiches. A week could be avocado toast for breakfasts, and then prepared chicken or pork for sandwiches or tacos for lunches. If your protein is kind of generic salt/pepper/garlic, you can drastically change the flavour profile of the dish with whatever else you add so it feels like variety.
Has anyone else recently made a purchase that they’ve been saving up for/putting off for a while? The one I’m happiest with from this spring is a giant granite mortar and pestle. I also ordered a cheapo set of tiny dumbbells (1lb, 3lb and 5lb pairs), which arrived yesterday – I’ve been meaning to do this for a while now.
Yes! I got a kiln and it FINALLY is ready for pickup so I am trying to organize someone to pick it up next week. Then I need an electrician.
That’s so cool! Do you have any particular projects in mind to start off with?
So many ideas! Not sure where to start, probably bowls/snack dishes/spoon rests and jewelry.
After shelling out three grand for my Nord I was feeling so broke that I initially wanted to just buy the cheapest travel case I could find for it, but then I caved and bought a fancy expensive one with wheels which makes life SO much easier!
I can’t think of a single piece of luggage/travel gear that isn’t improved by the addition of wheels.
I finally bought a piece of art I’ve been wanting to buy for at least a year and may have designed my bedroom around. It’s the first time I’ve actually bought art and even though it wasn’t $$$ it was still a big step for me to spend money on something that isn’t mostly functional. Now I just have to wait for it to get to the US from Australia…
Congratulations! If you find it aesthetically pleasing and it makes you happy to have it, that’s also a function of sorts, IMO.
Yes! I am finally the possessor of an actual smartphone that does all the smartphone things without freezing up or power-cycling or dropping my calls or otherwise demonstrating that it was very cheap, because my new smartphone was *not* very cheap. But so far it is *really worth it*.
I love New Device Feeling! It’s a bit like the real-world version of picking up useful loot in a game, now that I think about it.
I hadn’t thought of that before but you’re totally right! And I do feel like I have upgraded my life and am levelling up. 🙂
Upon getting my new job and an influx of cash, I decided to do an Unnecessary Expensive Purchase and bought a rare Hannibal-themed print by Kevin Tong that I’ve been coveting for a while:
Nightmare Stag now hanging gloriously over our fireplace!
That DOES look perfect for over-the-fireplace, bonus if there’s an ominous thunderstorm going on outside your house while the fire crackles with quiet menace.
I have been in love with these cups: http://ab.weimgs.com/weimgs/ab/images/wcm/product… for 2 years. They’re “seasonal” which means they come available between november and may of every year. I essentially have been waiting my chance to buy them four 2 years plus there was a whole thing around someone gifting them to me at my birthday and shipping issues. Now I just am too scared to even use them, but delighted to have them.
I have a couple other big stuff on the future list so mostly I’m in the mulling over the big purchase phase- we have a kitchen cart picked out, and i know what kind of flat file I need for my studio and so on, but we’re not ready yet to pay for them.
Those glasses are really pretty!
Thank you! I love them.
So pretty ! Use them use them all the time! By the time they all break (if they ever do), you will have lived happily with them and will be ready to buy some new lovely ones.
I will, I’m just NOT QUITE READY. SOON I PROMISE. Maybe after we vaccum? I don’t want them to see the state of the floors.
birth control tales! tell me yours. IUD, specifically, but all are welcome.
so i had an iud (skyla, the little sister of mirena, essentially) put in on monday. not gonna lie, it was unpleasant. not like horrible and i would definitely get it done again, but anyway, that’s not my question.
i get that they told me that i could spot for 3 months, but i want to hear from you folks. did your really spot for 3 months? is it going to be 3 months of pantyliners and cramping and feeling weirdly bloated and horrible? i am such a freakin’ baby, it’s been 4 days and i’m tired of this.
When I had my Skyla put in, it was like a week of spotting and bloating and cramping. Then I’d have a very light period once a month for the next couple months. Now (a year later, ish) I don’t get periods, and I get like a day of unpleasant bloating once in a while, but that just might be from eating too much ice cream or whatever. Cramps happen for about a day once a month or two.
please let this be meeee
i have one of those unfortunate brains that, when unpleasant stuff is happening, it feels like It Will Always Be This Way. i feel like i’ve been on my period foreverrrrr and technically it hasn’t even been 7 days yet, cripes.
It’ll take a while for your body to adjust, but I think the timelines they give are worst-case scenario. Most people I know who had an IUD bounced back much more quickly than what the docs estimated.
I was exactly the same!
I didn’t spot for 3 months on my Mirena. After a couple days of cramping I basically went back to normal. I went back to monthly ( but light) periods. Until this past couple of months, where it appears to have finally given way and I stopped having periods as they promised me might happen on the Mirena. Probably because I had finally given in and bought enough Thinx to last for a full cycle, and my body loves making me waste money.
haha i already stockpiled pantyliners because my body also love making me waste money. i really really hope i’m wasting money.
With Mirena, I spotted for six months, but then hardly bled at all for the next several years, so it was totally worth it for me.
oh god, spotting for six months sounds like a hellscape though
eh, it was mostly pretty light. I just wore my lunapanties everyday. Worst of it was the long lack of oral sex…
ugh god i didn’t even think about that yet. noooo
I have the mirena (I’m on my second one). Both insertions were horrible. The cramping with the first one was basically contractions — I’d have to grab on to something and force myself to breathe until they passed. That lasted for maybe 2 weeks, on and off. The second insertion only resulted in 48 hours of agony. Hooray?
I had no spotting after insertion and haven’t had a period since. It was like flipping a switch. Worth the pain, for sure.
I do still have a monthly hormonal cycle (when I start crying at commercials, I know where I am), but I rarely spot, and never enough to need a pantyliner.
I didn’t spot at all after having the Mirena installed, but then, I’d been period-less on pills for a couple years beforehand.
Occasionally I cramp, still (I’m on year ?two of my second Mirena), but never for more than a few minutes and it’s not bad. I also don’t feel bloaty or premenstrual any more–that stopped within weeks of getting my first IUD.
Crampwise, things took a couple of weeks to calm down with the first one. It’s been smooth sailing ever since, though. Also, fyi, the removal & second installation was a cakewalk. If you decide you want another, it’s like “What? Is that all?” compared to the deep-breathing and jaw-clenching of the first go-round.
^–Yep, all of that.
I just got a Paragard a few months ago and I love it? I mean I don’t love the eight-day-long periods, but I also have had NO CRAMPS since getting the Paragard inserted and that is a tradeoff I will gladly take.
Oh that’s actually reassuring! I’m leaning towards Paragard since hormonal birth control gave me cystic acne but I’ve only ever read that it makes cramps worse! I’ve been trying to get one since January and my appointment is in LATE NOVEMBER >:(
Honestly, I read that too, and maybe the cramps of doom are just slow in coming along. But so far it’s been glorious.
What is this witchcraft.
It IS witchcraft. I mean, science, blah blah, copper ions and biochemical alteration and environmental toxicity to spermatozoa, but basically you are just putting a naturally occurring pure metal inside your body and it keeps you from getting pregnant. You are putting a protection charm drawn up from the earth itself in your womb and it acts as a magical shield against unwanted invaders. WITCH. CRAFT.
too too witches.
PARAGARD FOREVER.
I feel like this is so on-trend, to be an evangelist about your IUD, but seriously, I freaking love my Paragard. I got it when I was a senior in high school in 2008; I’d tried all sorts of other things and hormonal birth control was really affecting my already-less-than-stable mental health, so my amazing GYN was like, “Well, no point messing around anymore, you want something without hormones that you won’t have to worry about for the next ten years?” And obviously my answer was a resounding YES.
Eight years later and it has given me basically no problems at all. My periods used to be super irregular; after some time with the IUD, they’ve evened out and are pretty predictable now, which is still a revelation to me. I also don’t experience much cramping; maybe I get like, a day where I have some bad ones every other period or so.
I thrill when I hear stories about young women getting them or about doctors working to erase their stigma or states implementing LARC programs (thank you, Colorado). Not having to do anything to prevent myself from becoming pregnant for a whole decade is true freedom.
I’ve had my Paragard for 9 years now. My periods before were very normal and not light nor heavy. They got heavier in the year after insertion, but settled back down. They are still heavier than they were before the IUD, but not as heavy as they were that first year.
I don’t regret getting it for one single second. (For me insertion just felt like bad menstrual cramps, which I should say I don’t usually get – so my baseline is that my period never really bothered me TOO much, and it just is a little fussier with the IUD.)
I was very annoyed to find that my period started today because I was supposed to have another week, which reminded me I need to get back on birth control. Last time I went on it I got the 90-day cycle one and basically spotted every day for three months and it was a nightmare from which I thought I’d never wake up, so I have to get the good old fashioned one-month wheel this time.
Trying out Seasonale was what drove me finally to getting my IUD. I spotted the whole time too.
I’m on my second Mirena. Haven’t had a period since 2010 which is exactly as amazing as it sounds, I have completely forgotten what it’s like.
Non-bleeding sisters, unite! Between Ortho-Novum 1/35 and Mirena, I haven’t had a real period since. . . (counts on fingers). . .1998.
I think I would panic if I had one now.
I got skyla recently. My doctor put it on on the first day of my period. Insertion was Not Fun. I should’ve taken naproxen instead of ibuprofen before. By the time I got home, I was a little nauseous and have worse-than-my-normal period cramping. The rest of my period was normal except the “last few days” part took longer. Periods since have more painful than before but mine have never been all that bad so I just take a stronger painkiller.
Definitely worth it. It is like the crock pot of birth control. Set it and forget it.
IUD, Mirena, just about to get #2.
The thing I wish someone had told me a long time ago: you can ask for IV sedation for insertion. Caveats: I have excellent insurance and access to a large University hospital. My uterus is retroverted (tipped) and I lack previous pregnancies that might loosen my cervix. Couldn’t tolerate the sounding (the bit when they measure your uterine depth prior to insertion.) My ARNP was like “it doesn’t need to hurt this much, let’s make an appointment for sedation.” I did use vaginal misoprostol prior to the insertion attempt, which helped. But ultimately, I felt absolutely no pain on insertion. And paid $90 (again, privileged with insurance and financial situation that affords this.)
this is helpful!
i took misoprostol but i’m not sure it did anything. the clamping on the cervix is what did me in. i definitely made noises through gritted teeth and did some deep breathing.
Misoprostol vagina suppository > misoprostol orally. IME.
yeah, i definitely shoved two of em up in there. but my doctor actually took one out during insertion—apparently it hadn’t dissolved entirely. and well, who knows, maybe they DID help, and without them, it would have been lots worse?
EEP. I hope they did help!
I did one the night before, and one the morning of. (For my first insertion attempt.)
Or! If IV sedation isn’t an option, you can also ask for them to apply lidocaine to the sound before they measure your uterus. They’d already applied lidocaine to my cervix, but I’m pretty sure lidocaine on the sound was the game-changer for me. The sounding sucked, but after it was over, they waited for about 5 minutes to make sure the lidocaine had fully kicked in before doing the insertion.
You guys: I DIDN’T FEEL A SINGLE THING. IT WAS GLORIOUS.
And apparently they had to do some serious shoving to get the IUD placed, which in retrospect is terrifying. I did have some moderate just-had-a-surgical-procedure cramping for about 36 hours afterward though, but that was easily taken care of with half a vicodin and copious amounts of FroYo.
I have the Mirena, and actually didn’t find the insertion that bad. My doctor did give me misoprostol (although apparently the research is mixed about whether it is effective), and purposefully scheduled the insertion during my period (apparently your cervix softens and dilates slightly). Cramps and a little spotting for about forty-eight hours, and then I was fine. I do still get a period, but it’s very, very light. Overall: best decision ever.
I’m another voice in the “getting an iud is awful but I’d do it again” choir.
I had Mirena. The insertion was the absolute worst medical experience I’ve had yet, mainly for the pain (and cramping for a couple days) but also because where I got it done was undergoing renovations so it was an awful, awful room. I had it for 5 years, didn’t even spot until the last couple months. In theory getting it out shouldn’t be bad; my LPN told me she took hers out herself but apparently my cervix has quite a grip, so it wasn’t pleasant either. All that said, I plan on getting another one as soon as possible once I’m done being pregnant in 6 months (giving birth might also change my ranking order of “worst medical experience ever”).
WORTH IT. Had mine for a year and a half. I had a mini horror story in that the first try expelled itself. I still went back in for a second try because my periods were ruining my life. Honestly, even if it hurt worse than it did the first time around, I’d do it again, it’s so great once it steadies out. If I could go back and get little 16 year old me on an IUD I would.
what was the expulsion like, if you don’t mind telling me?
I don’t mind, but be aware that it’s statistically unlikely and I’m one of those people who has these kinds of things happen to her all the time (i’m in good health but whatever silly kind of medical issue could come up, does.).
Basically it was in for a month/month and a half? and it always felt a little stabby, and I was crampy. When I called my doctor I got her really dumb assistant who was like “that’s normal” then (when I saw my doctor after it expelled she was like, OH GOD NEVER TALK TO HER SHE’S NOT A DOCTOR I WILL GO TALK TO HER AGAIN, EESH).
So basically the deal was it wasn’t in far enough or I cramped it down or something, and it worked its way out slowly. If you get an IUD in, and it’s still stabby cramping after say a week or so, go back to your doctor. I don’t want to scare you off though, I have at least 8 friends who have had literally NO problems at all in insertion. Just know that it’s not normal for it to hurt a lot, or really to hurt much at all after the first day which will be like period cramps.
thanks for sharing!
i’m wondering because sometimes i definitely feel like i can FEEL it.
it’s not necessarily painful, just uncomfortable, and it might just be my body being like “hey there’s a foreign object in you!” and i can still feel the strings and i can’t feel the end of the iud when i check the strings, so it must still be in place? but i’m a little wary.
Ok for me, there was stabby pain, when I stood or walked a lot and it got worse until it expelled and then it felt WAY better.
Now, on insertion 2, I get the occasional mittelschmerz from time to time- say less than once a week?
If you are worried, see a doctor, make them give you an ultrasound, but to me, that doesn’t sound like the same thing.
yeah, i figure there would be more stabby pain if something was going wrong. mittelschmerz, though…what a great word, haha. it really is more like that ovulation pain.
That was me when I first got it. My doc is really good about saying “really, if you think something is up just come in and we’ll check.” I could feel the strings and was worried so I went in. She checked and was like “nope. all good.” I think a lot of women thing the same thing!
this is reassuring. my doctor played off the 4-6 week check-in and was like “if you can feel the strings, don’t bother!” but i might go in anyways just for peace of mind.
When I had a Mirena, I could absolutely feel it when I had menstrual cramps, but it stayed firmly in place until its time on earth was up. I won’t lie – being able to feel it, and how much more painful it made my cramps, definitely contributed to why I replaced it with a Nexplanon.
Ahh,this happened to me, too! I had a copper one (flexi-t). The insertion was fine – painful obviously – but normal and successful. All was well at the one month mark, but then at two months it expelled for no clear reason. I felt a wave of stabby pain that I’m sure was the expulsion. When my doctor took a look, the IUD was sitting halfway out of my cervix and she had to yank it out. It was super disappointing because I had been really excited about it. I might try again – it’s encouraging to hear stories of success on the second try. I am definitely still very pro-IUD.
IUD (mirena for me) is the greatest invention in the history of reproductive care. Got mine after having a kid. It was a bit uncomfortable-yeah, that “pinch” feels a bit more awful than that! And I was all worried that it would shift around and not stay put (cuz, a tiny human had just come our of there!). I even went in for a check up about 2 weeks after the insertion because I was afraid that I shouldn’t be able to feel the “strings” after it was put in. Nope, you totally can find and feel the strings and it’s normal. I had some cramping the first few days but only light spotting for like a week which was a huge improvement over the constant bleeding post-labor. I have really light periods now and bad cramps only happened a few times a year which was a life changer. I actually just got mine out last week since the hubs and I are hoping for another kid and it was quick and much less painful than the insertion. Spotting for less than a week. I would recommend it to every woman who is a candidate because it is non-hormonal and I’ve never had a birth control be THIS easy and effective. 110% A++++
Good luck!!!
I got Mirena last July and loooove it. Insertion was not my favorite thing ever. It hurt, but it was quick. I went to work after (!!!) and was just…very AWARE of my uterus all day. Not so much actual cramping as being like “oh, hello uterus, are we ok?” I spotted for maybe 2 weeks and then I’ve had a few days of spotting here and there over the last whatever months. A+ would recommend.
I love my Paraguard, I’ve had it for almost 3 years and it actually made my periods a little shorter and less painful. I have like 3 days of actual bleeding and then 3 days of spotting, and I get cramps the day before instead of during my heaviest flow. Insertion hurt a little bit (take a big dose of ibuprofen) and I would get weird very painful cramps the first month, but after that it settled down.
For more stories and if you ever need advice, check out the (still-active) livejournal community iud_divas.
I had the Mirena inserted after constant bleeding for about three months, and a polyp removal. Spotted and also my hip joints were killing me (?) for about three weeks, and then, blissfully, NOTHING since then. I love it.
Also chiming in to say “worth it”! I had decent insurance when I got my first one (Mirena) ~4.5 years ago so I didn’t have to pay anything OOP. Insertion was terrible and I had spotting and cramps for the first month solid. I worried about having problems, so I did call and the nurse I got said she had the same problems so it was normal…but a lot of these stories sound like it wasn’t, actually! But, every body is different.
I’m due to have it out at the end of the year and I think I’m going to try the Paraguard since it doesn’t have hormones and lasts even longer. The other amazing side effect of going off oral contraceptives for me was it cleared up my chronic acid reflux problems. I was able to go off my heartburn prescription so that was a $$ saving win too!
I’ve had an… experience… with my Mirena. Got it inserted in September, insertion was painful but not too bad. My period continued happening, though slightly less regularly, and I was spotting pretty frequently.
In February I went in for my very belated follow-up and surprise! It’s actually partially expelled. They put in a new one and this one had a lot more cramping. Ow. I’ve continued to have cramps and spotting (though less and less frequently). My periods are getting much lighter, but I do still have them and now they’re preceded by a lot of light spotting beforehand.
The one potential dealbreaker is that I was talking to my primary care doc this week about some mood swings I’ve had for the past few months and she said “You know, I just had someone a couple of months ago who had that happen because of her Mirena.” So it’s possible that it’s the reason I started crying in a Panera last weekend because I couldn’t decide what kind of soup I wanted. The Mirena might not be the actual cause, and it’s not a common side effect AFAIK, but it’s a possibility.
So overall: Great for preventing pregnancy, insertion is painful but manageable, side effects are generally fine but if you start feeling weird don’t discount the IUD as a possible cause. I’d still recommend it though, because if I *didn’t* have these random crying jags I’d definitely keep it (and I might keep it anyway).
I have also had mood side effects (anxiety and crying) but it’s fine so long as I keep myself well generally. For some reason my diet had a really big impact in a way that hadn’t happened before the mirena.
This is not an IUD story, but IIIIIII haaaave a dermal implaaaant and I proselytize to eveeeeeveryone. Getting it put in took 5 minutes, was completely painless and non-invasive, and I have not menstruated for one second since (it’s been 6 months)! Obviously all bodies are different, but for me it’s been absolutely amazing and I don’t understand why they don’t seem to be more widely favored relative to other choices.
I have a Mirena, going on… four years now? I love it. I was definitely crampy for a few days after. I don’t get a true period anymore, just a couple days light bleeding, and I spot irregularly a lot but that appears to just be a personal quirk of my uterus and happened before the IUD as well.
Hilariously, when I went in for my annual this past time, the doctor couldn’t find the strings. I never check for them because I have very short fingers. So I had to get an ultrasound to make sure it was still in place. It is, I’m fine, maybe check yours more regularly.
This is not an IUD story but I got my tubes tied in February of last year and while it has made my menstrual cycle a bit less regular, I don’t regret it a bit. No more “are you suuuure you’re not pregnant?” pee tests at the hospital or doctor’s before other things! No more frantic counting back to the last time I had sex or worst-case-scenario imagining miracle fae births if my period is mysteriously late!
I hate to be a total wimp but when some of you are saying insertion hurts I want to know exactly how much it hurts. I am on the Nuvaring currently. My cramps are still awful, and I still bleed heavily so my gyno suggested I try an IUD. I agreed because I was feeling all progressive and shit but now I am worried because some of the ladies i have asked about IUDs all seem to think they are terrifying and painful. HELP!
my own personal experience, which is obviously very subjective:
i’m not going to lie, the insertion hurt. i took 4 ibuprofen before i went in which i think helped a LOT with the cramping afterward, but the actual insertion was not fun.
what hurt for me the most is when my obgyn dilated my cervix and clamped it open so she could fit in the tube with the iud. she talked me through the whole thing and i honestly could barely tell she was putting the actual iud in even as she told me she was doing it–it was the clamping part that hurt. it hurt like a really intense period cramp, or like…if you’ve ever had a partner bump hard into your cervix during sex, like that times a BUNCH. i consider myself to have a pretty high pain tolerance (no problem with shots or tattoos, at least) but i did do some kind of intense breathing and made a little gritting-my-teeth-in-pain noise.
the good news: the pain was gone almost right away. she took the clamp off, removed the tools, and let me stay lying down for as long as i wanted. i felt a little shaky, but only needed about a minute or two. afterward, it felt like bad period cramps. but like, heating-pad-and-tv cramps, not crying-in-the-fetal-position cramps. by the next morning, it was back to my usual level of period cramping, which is normal because i still had a day of my period left.
I was anxious about the pain–in retrospect it doesn’t seem that bad, but I definitely oozed tears and gripped my partner’s hand while he, overcome, tried to conjure up a happy memory to talk me through!
I think the pain was bothersome not because of the sheer amount of pain, but because it felt really upsetting to me to have this sharp poking going on in the internals (I think the sounding was the worst). Sort of like how it seems way worse to me to get a shot of novocaine in your gum than getting a regular needle stick. But I don’t consider myself terribly pain-tolerant and I would totally do it again (and will have to, in about a year and a half… -.- ) I got to laze around recuperating for the rest of the evening, and it really wasn’t bad.
I have had the Skyla for a year and a half and it’s been pretty great. Some spotting for the first week or two (light enough that I didn’t really need to wear pads; scuzzy underwear sufficed). Now my period is significantly lighter, occasionally missed, and I never get cramping so badly as I used to. I suspect it has contributed to my increased yeast infections, sadly, although it’s hard to tell because that was also the time when my partner and I stopped using condoms.
There was one joyful event when, pre-intercourse, I had the bright idea that I’d better feel around for the strings because it had been a while since I’d checked. Well of course I couldn’t find them…tried laying on my back..tried on my stomach, and standing up…partner tried….and all the while I am trying not to become convinced that it has MIGRATED. Of course I found them in the end, which was a sobering lesson on my unfamiliarity with my own anatomy!
Toasties, last night I called the police because a woman in the huge apartment complex adjacent to mine was yelling at someone to “Get the fuck out of my house.” Seemed like there were two dudes she was yelling at and the yelling went on for a while. Now in the clear light of day I’m second-guessing myself because I don’t want to be that obnoxious neighbor who calls the cops at the drop of a hat. What do you think?
Also in housing-related news: I am so frustrated with my inability to set much of anything aside for a downpayment and feel like I am just aging quietly in my apartment unable to move or build equity or w/e. I make a good salary but I’m by myself and DC is so expensive! There’s a loan program with downpayment assistance that I qualify for, but even then I have no idea what my goal amount should be.
I think it’s better to protect women than stand by and maybe find out later that she got hurt.
Right – which scenario would fill you with more regret – for me it would be that I did nothing and something bad happened.
It’s really tough, especially if you are living by yourself. All of my savings went towards my down payment, and still the vast majority came from my parents. I’m very lucky that my parents wanted to do that, because otherwise I don’t think I could ever afford it. There are a couple of DC gems that are in great neighborhoods and not too expensive, but you really have to look.
I really do not like cops, too often they escalate situations instead of diffusing them. The police are not the best way to help victims of domestic violence/intimate partner violence. Also, if there are people with something like failure to appear warrants and the police run their IDs, they can get arrested for merely having an argument in their own home.
THAT BEING SAID: we don’t have many alternatives. You heard a woman who may have been in danger in her house, and you did what you could to help her. That is 100% better than the attitude of “not my house, not my problem.”
Maybe you could use this as an opportunity to build a neighborly relationship with this woman? Bring over some cookies or something, introduce yourself, explain that you called the police and you apologize if you misunderstood the situation. You were cautious about her safety, but you know some people argue differently/have different baseline for what is “loud.” And mention that, by meeting her, you can get to know her better and know what the best way to help might be.
Worst case scenario: your neighbors think you’re annoying for calling the police on them while they were having a screaming argument for several minutes. This seems unlikely, and even if it’s true, don’t let it bother you. It’s not normal for people to expect complete privacy while having screaming arguments in an apartment building.
Best case scenario: you helped an extremely fraught and potentially danergous situation be resolved. You made the right call.
DC housing market solidarity. It sucks and it’s wacky. The one thing I would recommend is to sign up for some saved Redfin searches of neighborhoods you might be interested in to get an idea of how much it costs to get what you want in terms of size, metro access, etc. They also give you an estimated monthly payment (which includes HOA fees for condos, although I don’t think it includes taxes).
Better safe than sorry when you hear a woman yelling at two men, IMO.
I definitely think better safe than sorry.
I’ve had similar struggles but I think hearing someone yelling “get the fuck out of my house” is an A+ reason to call the cops. I may waffle on the appropriateness of calling over a random argument but as soon as you hear “get out/don’t touch me/stop that” you have plenty of reason to call.
You did exactly the right thing. It’s like taking somebody to the ER when they have stroke symptoms, then finding out it was a migraine: should you have bothered? Was it worth it? Did you overreact?
The answer is no, you did not, every time. Believe me: cops would rather be called out on something that’s nothing than have people brush off things that are actually problems.
okay I hate calling the cops and it’s terrifying to think of the “what ifs,” but I’ve lived in my complex a year and I’ve called the cops twice so far on neighbors, even though I’m not 100% on which unit(s?) had the disturbances. Each one was after several different, escalating incidents that I’d heard and pretended I didn’t, and I just couldn’t pretend in good conscious anymore.
The first time someone was viciously beating their dog and had been for weeks and the second time a woman and man were fighting (they fight a lot but it’s mostly yelling and hitting walls/furniture) and I heard him smack/hit her. I waited each time because a) cops, b) my neighbors are black, and c) calling cops on DV can make things worse. But I want the people to know that there is someone on their side, and also so there’s documentation in case they need that.
Idk, I still feel icky about it sometimes but there’s not a lot you can do otherwise, which sucks.
I struggle with the “to call cops or not to call cops” q in questionable scenarios. I think you likely did the right thing and it just sucks we can’t trust cops more to handle situations competently 🙁
I think you did the right thing.
One of the things that always — perhaps idealistically — makes me feel better is the thought that if I were attacked in my home and I screamed, someone would call the cops.
You heard a woman say “Get the fuck out of my house” to two men. I think most peoples’ read on that situation would be “Yup. Clear and present danger”.
I think you did the right thing.
I recently had to call the cops because there was a man standing behind my building, right outside my window, wearing no pants, grunting continuously, and appearing to masturbate for over 20 minutes. I live in St. Louis city. Annoying as it was I wouldn’t have called if he hadn’t been white, or if he had just been making noise and not appearing to masturbate. (Per the police, he was apparently NOT masturbating but having some kind of unspecified distress that caused him to wear no pants). This happened three or four more times over the next week, each time resulting in a different neighbor calling the police. Finally he was taken away in an ambulance and has not returned since. I was so, so, so afraid that I would have been a part of one of the horror stories you hear all too often with headlines like “Police Shoot and Kill Mentally Ill Man” and am so grateful that was not the end result. I empathize so hard with the internal conflict on whether to call or not. It is difficult and scary.
Just popping in to remind everyone that tomorrow is Free Comic Book Day! You can find a store near you here: http://www.freecomicbookday.com/Home/1/1/27/992
I have a really random request for any Slash or Guns n Roses fans!
Apparently at some point in the 80s Slash bought a massive iron sculpture of a King Cobra made in Dublin, and has been photographed with it a few times. Has anyone ever seen this photo, have a copy, or know where it is online?
Its a strange one and google is giving me nothing except articles about his actual snake collection. I’m looking for it because my Grandfather and uncles made the sculpture and according to family legend its is one of Slash’s favorites (the making and selling of the sculpture is definitely true, dunno about the favorite part) and I’d really love a picture of it! There is apparently a picture of my granddad and Slash together somewhere, but its probably been lost in the various family turf wars that have happened since.
Anyway, yeah if this rings a bell for anyone I would greatly appreciate it.
I wish I could have found this for you, but all I found is that you should not image search ‘slash with metal snake’ at work.
i dunno is this counts as “massive” but…
if it is… i found one NOT on amazon by googling “slash and his cobra poster”.
I think that’s it!!! Thank you! I’ll show it too my mum and she’ll know for sure, but seriously Thank you!!!
Eta: I knew the toast would come through! This place is beautiful and amazing and I’m so happy it exists!
Omg yessssss. I had a hysteroscopy and a couple endometrial polyps removed two weeks ago, so I’d been on pelvic rest to let my cervix close up again. My surgeon yesterday said a) I don’t have to see her again, b) I can begin PT for my pelvic floor spasms, and c) sexytimes are GO.
I have to study for my second A+ certification test tonight, but tomorrow after test and pie, SEXYTIMES. Without a uterus that hurts from bleeding all the time! I am so exciiiiite.
Congrats! That is super exciting news!
If you’re okay talking about it, I would be really interested in hearing about how you went about getting diagnosed/what other kind of stuff was going on. (I have a Thing that has so far resisted diagnosis but sounds sort of like this, is my interest.)
…this got long and I’m sorry if it’s TMI, but I’m not sure what details are superfluous.
Basically, I was having really hideously heavy, painful and frequent periods plus a bunch of stabby ow pain around my left hip/colon/uterus that never stopped. I’m trans and have dysphoria about my period, so this was Not Good. My primary care doc sent me to see a really excellent gyn who, miraculously, groks being trans and nonbinary. She did an indepth interview and some poking around my vagina, and said the pain was pelvic floor related so she referred me to a nurse prac who specializes in treating that.
The bleeding she diagnosed as polyps after doing a saline infusion sonohysterogram and endometrial biopsy a few weeks after my first visit, which were crampy and ow but had answers quick for me! A few weeks later, she did a hysteroscopy, removed the polyps, and performed a d&c. Which ngl left me more sore than I expected, although I stopped having ouchy uterus like a week ago.
For the PT… I had a somewhat awkward intake exam, mostly because the nurse prac kept forgetting I was nb… But I would highly recommend getting checked out for pelvic floor stuff if you’re having pain honestly? It does potentially involve having someone check your vagina for trigger points, which is pretty intimate, but the providers all know it’s freaking awkward. She had me do a TENS treatment with an insertable electrode and ngl, I had no pelvic pain for the first time in months after. I’m excited about doing more treatments at home and hopefully having a not-busted innards.
Thank you SO much! That was super helpful and informative and gives me good things to mention to my doctor.
I’m so glad you had a good team of folks working with you on this. Happy healing, and I hope you have an excellent weekend! 😀
Yo, I’m reluctant to out myself on aam, but wanted to say I’m labmonkey over there and I’m who was like ARE THERE TWO OF YOU? So. Not stalking, but definitely aware our the other nb autistic people in my corner of the internet and terrible at deciding if that’s weird or not.
I’m delighted your uterus is doing better. The cramping sounds TERRIBLE.
Hey Toasties! I’m writing a paper on design issues in women’s athletic equipment/clothing. I couldn’t find any research on the subject (just a bunch of separate case studies), so I set up a quick google survey to see if I could get better info.
If you guys have a minute to fill it out or share it I would super appreciate it! I’d really like to get responses from the widest range of sports & sizes possible.
Link here!!
Submitted!
Thank you so much!!!
Would you mind if we posted to our own Facebooks? It doesn’t look like your real name is associated with the form at all but if you’d prefer not to that’s fine too. I just have some sporting friends who aren’t regular Toast readers is all 🙂
Yeah, please do send it around if you have sporty friends!
Serious question: Are you counting dance as a sport? I wear most of my athletic gear primarily for dancing, even if it’s meant to be for running or yoga or something else.
Dance totally counts!
Great! Thanks!
Submitted! Thanks for doing this; as a really short person who lifts weights and crosstrains, I’ve run into a ton of issues where gym equipment assumes you’re at least 5’4. I have a deep-seated annoyance about assisted pullup machines that stop assisting me for the last 2 inches.
Thank you!!
Oh god I didn’t even think about that as i was filling it out. Yes the lat pulldown machine where I need to stand up to reach the bar. The entire multi-purpose weight machine at my apartment building’s gym where to bench press setting requires my arms to be mostly extended just to reach the bar.
I am only 5’0” and I really struggle with weight machines at the gym – they’re definitely designed for people much taller than me. (I cannot reach the bar on the pull down machine at all, for example, unless I stand on tiptoe and stretch.) I really need to get a staff member at the gym to show me how to use them properly – at the moment I just feel like I’m more likely to do myself some damage.
P.S. Just wanted to note that I also appreciate responses from athletes who don’t have any trouble finding gear that works for them. Part of my question is what percentage of users feel that they are able to find proper gear. I realize I may have phrased the intro poorly since I started out talking about design issues. Sorry about that!
I hadn’t really realized how much I hadn’t really struggled with fit in judo until I took your survey- or at least, I’m not struggling any more than the guys are. It’s nice to workout in pajamas 😛 Really, really heavy, scratchy, cotton pajamas.
done!
Oh I HAVE ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD FOR THIS TOPIC
Hi – there was a great Toast article about a similar issue not too long ago: http://the-toast.net/2016/04/05/womens-outdoor-ge…
I filled it in and went on a long rant about a shitty experience I had at a sports store the other day (dudebros galore) but I forgot to add another thing: one of my friends was doing deadlifts the other day (I have badass friends) and a gym dudebro came up to her and said “the women’s bar is over there”, which is a bar that’s 10kgs less than what apparently the “men’s bar” was that my friend was using (and totally rocking, by the way). So yeah, apparently weight lifting bars are gendered.
That dude is a jerk, but there’s actually helpful reasons for “women’s” bars. Women’s bars are lighter, yes, but they also have a narrower bar, which is actually super helpful when you have tiny fingers that can’t do a proper thumb grip on the standard bar. And the lighter weight is helpful for beginners, but you can always add up the deficit. (Sorry, I was super excited when i discovered women’s bars at crossfit. I seriously like doubled my deadlift weight immediately, because my grip wasn’t the limiting factor any more. So I defend the existence of women’s bars.)
It does sound like your friend was totally cool on the standard bar though, and it really wasn’t that dude’s place to step in. She, and you, should totally be angry about that.
TOAST POST UPDATE!! Nearly everyone should have their matches by now, yes? If you didn’t get matches or you got the same person twice or you got yourself, please let me know and I’ll fix you up!
I do have a favor to ask of toasties though – if there’s anyone who’d like 1-3 more American matches, please email me at ToastiePost at gmail and let me know! I had a few late additions to Toast Post who need matches!
Thank you so much for setting this up!! You absolutely rule. I’ve almost finished writing my cards.
Yes!!! I’ll email you. Here’s what I sent out this week: bad watercolors inspired by the toast.
omg LOVE
love these!!
They’re fantastic!
Those are wonderful!!!
I sent mine out yesterday! I hope you all like tacky touristy postcards. And, I’ve never sent an international postcard before so I hope I got my postage correct.
i had a whole convo with my postal clerk about this, there are global forever stamps that are for both standard letters and postcards now. they are pics of the moon and circular die-cut!
I just bought some yesterday and I was thrilled to get the moon stamps! I’ve been sending a lot of international postcards the last few months and they only had Christmas themed ones, which aren’t so cool when it’s not December anymore.
Those are scrumptious! I’m so impressed.
I got my matches while I was in Ireland visiting family! And I spent a lot of time coming up with grand plans of things to put in envelopes that would be cool (Are stick of rock a thing in the US? I seriously considered buying some for you guys.), but in the end I failed miserably and just grabbed some postcards on my way through Dublin airport. If I can get my shit together enough to get some London ones too then at least I won’t feel as useless (there are some seriously cool pics on the Toast Post twitter!)
What are people writing on cards? I feel strange and awkward just writing postcards to family, so wtf do I write to a stranger?
Hm well you can write about whatever cool stuff you saw/ate/did in Dublin/London for sure, your favorite thing about the toast, your favorite type of toast (the food, not the website), what you’re currently reading and/or watching, your favorite thing to read/watch growing up, any fun summer plans….worse case, the weather!
I put some little saying or something, vaguely related to a piece of ephemera I glued on or a weird rubber stamp theme. I don’t get personal or anything.
The ones I received last year were often just ‘Enjoy this picture of whatever!’ or some people sent poems (not their own, copied out, but I LOVE THEM) or song lyrics. All of it was lovely.
I wrote a limerick for my cards this round
I wrote two poems! and then the others I wrote silly little notes. Oh and a recipe!
I’ve been trying to introduce myself a little (who I am, things I like to do, stuff like that) and then ask the other person a question (under the assumption that we’re going to be corresponding and it’ll be easier to start if we have SOMETHING to talk about.)
OK, but now I need to know about stick of rock. Definitely not a thing in my corner of the US, though we do have both rocks and sticks.
It’s candy, sort of like a candy cane in flavour (pepperminty ish), it’s called ‘rock candy’ and it comes in sticks, hence ‘stick of rock’.
For some reason it is exclusively made in seaside towns in Ireland and the UK and usually has the place name embedded in it. It’s considered a traditional ‘I went on a seaside holiday and got you a present’ present.
I was on a seaside ajecent holiday when I thought of it. I’m pretty sure no one actually likes it and it’s usually received and put in a drawer until it becomes sticky and gross. I thought some of you us-ians might get a kick out of it (and even if you’re like me and do like rock, the sticks are usually too large to suck/eat in one sitting so you eat half of it and then it’s too gross and sticky to finish.)
TL; Dr gross sticky candy we all insist on giving as presents.
I (an American) watched Brighton Rock recently and realized those things looked familiar, with the letters embedded in it. But I can’t remember where I’ve ever seen them, because they’re definitely not common here. I think they’re quite clever! Like millefiori glass canes.
PS – I think Christmas candy canes are gross sticky candy we all insist on giving as presents too, but some people like them. I can never manage more than just an inch or so.
PPS – We have a lot of salt water taffy as seaside candy gifts here. I forget if you have that in the UK and Ireland? I don’t know anyone who really likes it, but it’s kind of a standard “thought I should bring back something for you but didn’t know what” kind of beach gift.
Candy canes are excellent stirred into large, milky, very hot cups of cocoa. I don’t even bother trying to consume them any other way.
Etiquette-wise, is it encouraged/OK to send to matches more than once?
Yes!!
THE BEST ANSWER
Yes yes I got mine, thank you! I’m making the cards this weekend! I don’t mind making a few more, so I’ll drop you an email.
I got my matches, hooray! The washi is about to be deployed!
Ooooh! Thank you for reminding me of the washi tape I have at home!
I haven’t gotten a match, but can’t *swear* I actually signed up…where is my mind…hate imagining a Toast waiting something I failed to mail.
email me!! toastiepost@gmail
I have sent and received mine! I am excited to write back but waiting til I go on vacation so I can send a fun postcard! (From… beautiful Myrtle beach…)
I got my matches a few weeks ago, but so far have only sent one of three Toast Posts, though I’ve sent replies to the two Toast Posts I’ve received, so… I dunno what I’m even doing. I’m not good at prioritizing.
I dipped into my postcard hoard and mailed them all yesterday. Thanks so much!
I sent some but not all, honestly some of the awesome stuff I see people are sending made me a little insecure about just sending a whatever postcard so it’s nice to see comments here that others are not necessarily making Insta-worthy creations either!
When we first did this awhile ago I sent out old postcards from family trips to the aquarium so you are definitely not alone in the “whatever” department!
Obviously I can’t speak for anyone but me, but just a postcard from someone with “isn’t the Toast great? greetings from wherever!” would make me happy.
Random whatever postcards are so much fun to receive, though! I love every single one I got last year. Just finding toast love in the mailbox is such a thrill, it could be a postcard of an old sock and it would be amazing.
I am shit with visual art stuff, so I’m taking this as an opportunity to give some local arty card makers some of my cash.
The elusive win-triptych!
I got my matches, sent postcards out (weird local art) and have emailed. I like sending postcards!
Got mine! I’m hoping to send out this weekend (been swamped by both my jobs, but law firm madness ends Saturday and grading madness hopefully ends next week).
I have so many nerdy cards and stickers saved up I could definitely take at least one or two more, if you still need it.
OH MY GOD I am a dummy, I did not realize this was like a one-off, send-a-single-postcard kind of thing. I thought this was MY PENPAL FOREVER (I mean not forever, but). Sorry if I weirded you out, person who got a card from me that was very HELLO HERE’S ALL ABOUT ME WHAT ABOUT YOU DO YOU LIKE STAR TREK TOO??
i did too, after a childhood full of matched pen-pals. i wrote to mine and said if they want to correspond, great & if not, no worries.
I also assumed it was ongoing pen palship, and I think the one I got back seemed to think so too? so I’ve written her again and I’m totally going to send it.
No that is totally okay!!! Some of my toast post matches turned into long term pen pals, others fell by the side, some just exchanged one card, either way is okay!
Thank you for setting this up! I haven’t gotten around to mailing cards yet because Dead Week, but I will the second I get a chance to plan properly. (You can legally send sonebody a single flip-flop if you have enough stamps, and I’mma try it out.)
So fun! The people who got me as a match — thank you so much for your mail! I’d love to send stuff back to you if you include your address!
I have gotten my Toast Post Toasties! Now I’m trying to come up with something clever to write which is HARD.
Meanwhile, I’m stalking their Intense Debate Profiles for inspiration.
Drag Race thread! I am #teambob and #teamkimchi both. Bob has been consistently excellent in all things, and Kim is on another level at Design, but maybe isn’t as strong on others. Though she’s definitely improved. Naomi reminds me too much of Violet Chachki
I am in LOVE with Kim. I wish in their whole summary of each one, they would acknowledge that she slayed in the music video even though they’d picked on her for not being able to dance a bunch of times this season. Her costumes and makeup blow my mind every time.
I am also in love with Kim and want her to win, but she…didn’t dance. She did some pretty arm movements, but port de bras alone do not a ballet make. It was great that she was able to do the music video in such a way that minimized the amount of dancing she needed to do, and it shows that she’s grown into a canny performer, but she still can’t really dance. (But I love her, think she’s funny and beautiful and original, and very much want her to win!)
For me, a drag race winner should either show superior performance through out the competition OR be someone who is very exciting aka future of drag (next generation drag). Bob and Kimchi separately represent those two sides for me, so I would be happy with either one of them winning.
This season has been so refreshing after the underwhelmingness (that’s not a word) of season 7.
I would be happy with Bob or Kimchi. Honestly, I’d be happiest with them sharing the title this year. I want to see them take over the world together.
Just found out last night that I’m going to be an aunt! It’s not public yet, so allow me to SQUEEE into the semi-anonymous space that is The-Toast!
SQUEEEEEEEE
Yay! First time, I assume? I remember when my sister told me she was pregnant and I couldn’t talk about it for three months and it was so hard.
yes, first time! i live far away so i can tell a bunch of people who don’t know my family, i guess? but it’s so exciting.
Aunting is the best! I’m an only child, but I’ve got 4 nieces from my husband’s siblings (and a nephew coming LITERALLY ANY DAY NOW), plus 2 more honorary nieces from my cousin.
THEY ARE ALL TERRIFIC ANGELS. Even the one that was born 2 months ago and I haven’t met yet, and the one that isn’t quite born yet.
CONGRATULATIONS!
#auntsrule
#biased
CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!
Aunting is the best, IMO.
Yayyyyyyy, congrats! I am about to be a first time aunt in the next two or so weeks and I CANNOT FREAKING WAIT. Gonna shower that baby with so much love and adoration.
No cake for me. I’m trying to lose 10 pounds. Lost five already. Two parties this weekend. Tried out for a play. Lots of yoga and hiking. Alone. Thank you very much. Then I’m flying many time zones away to Kansas City for work. Looking forward to some BBQ. In small diet quantities.
Recommendations for airplane reading?
The Cormoran Strike mysteries by Robert Galbraith (aka JK Rowling) were compulsively good and made time fly by!
I have no suggestions for airplane reading, but have fun in KC! What BBQ places do you plan to hit?
Think I’ll try Q39.
Ooo! I haven’t tried them (I didn’t hear about them until after I developed my inability to easily eat at restaurants), but I’ve heard such great things. I hope it’s delicious!
Magazines. I love books but something about airplanes kills my attention span.
My usual airplane thing is crossword puzzles. But other delightful plane reading has included Dear Sugar’s book Tiny Beautiful Things (but only if you are okay with crying in public); pretty much all of Oliver Sacks; Elaine Scarry’s On Beauty and Being Just; D.A. Powell’s poems; and P.G. Wodehouse’s Blandings Castle books.
Wow. You have nailed my reading interests, but things I’ve never read. I read Wild by Cheryl Strayed(loved it) and Jeeves and Wooster related Wodehouse, and I have had The Man who Mistook his Wife for a Hat on hold at the library for MONTHS!
YAY!!
Safe travels to you.
Also, I will protect you from the cake, if you are okay with that. My body has apparently decided that it is going through Second Adolescence and currently has the metabolism of a greased weasel. I cannot throw enough food at it right now.
solidarity: no cake for me neither.
Hi Philly area Toasties! I posted about this in the LR yesterday, but in case you missed it – we’re trying to arrange a meetup picnic for sometime next week! If you’re interested, could you fill out this doodle poll that the lovely cyanjellyfish put together? http://doodle.com/poll/bkwb39pa7qr7etd8
And if any Philly toasties can manipulate the weather with their super-overlord machines or what have you, please give us some GODDAMN SUN.
fucking SERIOUSLY, I am so done with this fucking rain.
And cold! Why is it so cold? Hi, it’s May.
This weather is giving me the glooms. But I did find a place with amazing popsicles in the Italian market last night.
From an informal survey of my friend and acquaintances, the entire metro area is about to be formally diagnosed with SAD.
Yes! I want to work in the garden, dammit.
Toasties, do any of you work in remote jobs — telecommuting full time? I’m interested in breaking into that type of work for various reasons, but it’s hard to find things that are legit and fit what I’ve got experience in (writing would be the dream, and I’ve got years of freelance experience for it, but I’d also do data entry, admin, stuff like that).
Any advice or experiences to share? Thanks!
(P.S. Never have I ever been so on time for an OT!)
I do! I’m in bed spooning with my cat right now!
Allegedly I’m a copywriter but I kind of do random-ass jobs as necessary whenever anyone in the office remembers I exist. It’s kind of a weird situation that I fell into by accident (I know a guy, basically) so I can’t really give advice on finding a job (beyond “know a guy”) but I can tell you that it is simultaneously dreamy (easy work, good money, wear sweatpants all day) and kind of a nightmare (communication issues, lack of oversight, crippling procrastination).
Good luck, basically! If you can keep yourself motivated and maintain clear lines of communication with the office then yeah, pretty much living the dream.
Yes, I’m a subeditor. I was in the office full time to start with, then moved away and was doing three at home and two in the office, then my back injury meant I couldn’t do public transport or the office chair so now I am full time at home.
I think most of the jobs like mine you need to be at least partly in the office, especially for training purposes and at the beginning. My boss is trying to train someone in another office for upcoming maternity leave cover and it’s difficult. Freelancing is probably easier as it’s a bit more ‘we trust you to be competent’!
*lurking in this thread because I want to try doing this too*
Reddit is full of danger, but https://www.reddit.com/r/workathomejobs/ and https://www.reddit.com/r/WorkingRemotely/ are helpful, as is /r/beermoney and /r/digitalnomad!
I’m freelance which = work from home. I am a big proponent of telecommuting based on my experience, but I recognize that it can be hard to find those opportunities unless you’re really diving into freelance full time. I know Flex Jobs is a resource out there for finding jobs that allow for working from home and/or flexible schedules.
Also, if you’re wanting to freelance full time and make that your thing, I highly recommend talking to other freelancers in your area. See if there’s a professional organization for freelancers or marketers. In my experience, there’s tons of work for writers in this climate because content marketing is really blowing up, so while starting may be hard, there’s very much an opportunity for building a stable freelance business in writing.
I work for a software company that has no office — all of us work from home, from all over the world. It works out because most of us came originally from organizations that used the software, so we get to work and live wherever we want, and the company gets people with all this experience who wouldn’t want to move to, say, Dallas for the job.
I had interview 4 of 4 for an full time rather than freelance position in my company. Boss emailed me to schedule a lunch meeting for Monday. I assume she would not be offering to drive me to midtown for $15 salads if she were delivering bad news?
4 of 4 interviews—damn! That is a lot.
I second your assumption–preemptive congratulations!
Sounds like you got it. Why can’t they just tell you you got the job though? Gawd.
I’ve been thinking all week about Jenny Diski. I’m so sad about her death. I wanted to read so much more of her prose in this lifetime. Here’s just a little sample: http://www.berfrois.com/2016/05/remembering-jenny…
Her memoir-in-installments in the LRB was devastating & heartbreaking to me. There are not many people whose words about childhood resonate with me in the particular way that hers did. This Sunday, I think, I’ll raise a toast to her for that.
I am glad you posted this — I had been following her LRB writing, but sproadically, and I had not heard that she had died. I will raise a glass to her as well, she was an amazing writer and I loved how she would not take the easy course, even in writing about her own illness.
I’ll miss her writing in the LRB as well.
Successfully finished and defended my undergrad thesis! Things were so dire at the end that I calculated that I could get a D and still get into grad school… then got an A-!!! Shocking and miraculous haha. So a good week overall despite numerous breakdowns.
Exciting! Congrats! What was your thesis on? Was it about something that you want to gush about?
If so I am sitting here with open ears!
Congratulations!
I have a cake recipe, but I forgot the important stuff like “how much of the ingredients” and “how long we cook this.” It is a cake that is made with maraschino cherries, walnuts, and chocolate chips. It is glorious.
Also, final grades are 100-100-97.3, so I’m very proud of myself.
I’m coming home for intersession break, which is going to suck because dear old narcissistic emotionally abusive Dad is getting worse as my mom and sister prepare to move out. (He ruined the family finances and Mom’s retirement single-handedly. He has no room to complain about anything ever.) I am the golden child, so this should be less sucky for me than it has been for my sister, but he sends my mood and spoons into the toilet. If I’m lucky, my sister and I can take the car and I can hide at the library or the Starbucks while researching scholarships and for an abstract for a paper I want to submit to the 2017 ALISE conference. (My advisor has yet to tell me what she thinks of this plan, so I shall go ahead anyways.)
Home time sounds… rough… good luck weathering through it and hopefully have some happy library times!
Also great about final grades!
calling all LOS ANGELES toasts, we have a google group for connecting & planning fantastic hangouts.
if you’re in southern california or maybe coming here, request and invite and join!
[currently the content is private to members since i don’t want anyone feeling too exposed, so we’re going invite-only right now]
as an aside though, i’d welcome a discussion on best ways to manage google groups. it looks like you can post a question to use to screen new members and i can’t think of anything that seems appropriate.
Oh, excellent! I meant to email you and then forgot. Thanks for setting this up!
Yay – I just requested an invite. I’m in San Diego, but grew up in LA so still head up there from time to time.
Sounds fun! Just requested an invite.
Yay!!! Count me in!
In terms of a question to screen new members, do you want that to ensure that said members are for really-real from the Toast commentariat?
mainly i want to be respectful of the group and keep unwanted elements out [like say some not-so-nice & not-toast person joined and made rude comments, or showed up at an event? i think that’s highly unlikely, actually, but who knows. i have no idea how to truly screen that anyway. and so far it’s been clear the requesters are toasts.
maybe i should just ask them to describe a perfect piece of toast?
I’m turning 30 next month and I’m having an honest-to-god birthday party for the first time in many years for which I sent out FB invites this morning. I have been so preoccupied worrying about people not wanting to come (since I spent a lot of the last five years being very hermity and not being a very present friend) that it didn’t even occur to me that I’d have to go through the awful process of deciding who to send obligation invites to. At first I was like “Fuck everybody, I’m only inviting people I actually like” but then there was one particular couple who I originally left off the list because I can’t stand one of them but they’re a pretty core part of the group of people I invited and it would seem too pointed to leave them out. So I caved and invited them and now I’m mad at myself for giving in. Friendship is terrible and I should just spend my birthday at home eating pizza rolls and watching Star Wars!
In that scenario, I just invite the one I like. The other knows what he’s done. Hope it’s good anyway 🙂 maybe you can all get drunk and trash him. (Am I assuming the annoying one is a man? Yes.)
Shockingly, it’s the woman. I feel bad because I think she may be on the spectrum and I know she’s had some mental health issues, but she’s also made a lot of racist comments in my presence so I don’t feel THAT bad.
Omg, she knows what she’s done. Nope to that.
What I’ve found is that if you have enough people, you actually won’t interact with the vast majority of them for very long. I had 30-something people at my 40th party last year, and there were a couple of them that I hugged and said hello and that was pretty much it (they were people I liked and wasn’t trying to avoid, but that’s how it worked out). Even this past winter I had a party with about 15 people and never really had any long conversations with any of them because I was mingling. So the chances are very good you won’t actually have to interact with the person you dislike.
Kudos to you for doing the party thing. I am terrified of having people celebrate my existence and haven’t had a birthday anything since I was about 21.
Who wants to talk anxiety today?
I am going on a humongous family vacation next week for two weeks and I am losing. my. shit. I have come to the realization that exotic travel, or any travel really, is in that category of “things I think I was supposed to like but actually do not like at all whatsoever and want to stop doing” (also: movies/films, New York City, nightclubs even queer-friendly ones, drag shows/RuPaul’s Drag Race). There’s connecting flights, checked baggage, a second flight in the middle of the trip to a NEW destination, currency exchange, and a series of guided tours that attempt to make everyone happy which means some that are boring to me, and an overall schedule that feels too full. I don’t sleep well at the best of times let alone in strange beds, and I will have to miss almost two weeks of workouts.
I’m trying SO HARD to get excited. I love my family, I love hanging out with my sisters, I will get to see additional family once there, the house we rented is gorgeous, and at least some of the outings look awesome (Gaudi!). But my anxiety is just not leaving me alone on this and I just don’t know what else to do. I did my CBT exercises, been doing them every day actually. I’ve looked at pretty pictures to get excited. I’ve talked this over at length with my spouse. I just don’t know how to get into a frame of mind to try to enjoy this trip. Not going simply isn’t an option — this is paid for by my parents as a “happy retirement” party for my dad and the family aspect is very important to them. I just don’t know what else to try. Ugh.
I totally get this. I have figured out that traveling internationally with my family is majorly stressful for me, too. I need more downtime and they often expect me to navigate the language and currency issues.
Is there any way to do even mini-workouts while you are away? (I don’t know how you prefer to exercise.) Perhaps having just a bit of that normalcy could make a difference.
Another thing to remember is that you have to advocate for yourself. It’s not going to be the end of the world if you need to not go on one of the outings. Take a nap! Wander by yourself or solely with your spouse one afternoon. You can tell your family that you are so happy to be on this trip with them, but you just need a little time to decompress. (If this doesn’t work, I just say I have a migraine and wait for them to leave, under the covers.)
And keep doing your CBT exercises! 🙂 hugs
Are you going to Barcelona? Barcelona is amazing! That said, I think one of the ways I cope as an anxious person who hates disruptions to my routine is to let myself let go of the pressure to get excited. When I don’t FORCE myself to get amped, and just accept that this supposedly fun experience is one I’m actively dreading and that I won’t have to do anything like it again for years unless I want to, it lets me set the bar to “just try to get by.” This actually gives me the space to have an ok time! Sometimes even a good time! Like, I am more able to take things as they come and am able to be gentler to myself when the time eventually comes where I need some time alone in a quiet place or I will lose my fucking shit. Your mileage may vary of course but I’ve found the PRESSURE to be So! Excited! About! Vacation! is one of the most detrimental things to my actual experience of said vacation.
Yes, for part of it. I’ve been before and it really has so much cool stuff. I know once I’m there I’ll probably have plenty of fun, just like on all the work trips I stressed out about so much I felt fine and able to get to work once I arrived.
I think maybe that just ignoring the trip until I’m actually on the plane may help in the short term, but my anxiety is convinced that everything will fall apart if I don’t worry about it incessantly, of course. I think it also doesn’t help that sisters are both So! Excited! and both do not understand that the travel agent has already fucked up several things and that there needs to be someone looking over these documents (I literally do not understand how either of them function at their jobs, since their entire approach to everything seems to be “eh, it’ll be fine,” when I know for a fact their jobs both involve a lot of attention to detail and planning????).
Even if everything gets fucked up, it’ll be ok. A few weeks ago I did a week of international travel and basically everything was fucked up at the end of the trip. I almost missed the train to Aix because of traffic, but since there was nothing I could do other than make my train or buy another ticket, I didn’t freak out. I didn’t get along well with my travel companion. Oh well. Then my luggage got stolen on the train up to Paris, on my way to the airport. You know what I did? Bought a toothbrush and deodorant in the airport, and replaced some of my stolen items when I got home. When my friend tried to pick me up at the wrong airport? I took a cab. Like, it SUCKED, and there was a fair amount of sobbing at the end, but I got through it.
Even if everything falls to shit, you’ll still get through it. Even with anxiety. (I do CBT and am on meds.) I had a mantra by the end of the trip–Even if everything fails, money can fix it, and it’s just money. I’m not sure if you find that particular mantra reassuring, but maybe there’s something else for you. Also! It really helped to remind myself that regardless of how shitty everything was, I would be home in __ days.
If its any help, I just got back from a family holiday; the first one, probably ever. Ours was only 3 days and not international, and its sounds like you have a lot on your plate with all of it, but I did survive mine and there were no relationship destroying fights or alcohol fulled rants (which for my family of dysfunctional alcoholics is a resounding success.)
Your family sounds different (lots of organisation, mine has none.), but I found myself falling into the facilitator/producer role (as I do with most things in life), and getting really stressed that things weren’t happening or being planned in enough time (there are young children in the family, so if we want a big dinner together, we need to be sitting down at 5, which means cooking needs to start at 3, which means we need to be back from whatever we were doing after lunch. My family do not understand thing, apart from my SIL, mother of young children, so dinner didn’t start until 7.30 at which point SIL and children had to leave for bed and SIL missed the whole dinner.)
There was a bit of a disaster around bookings/checking out on the Sunday caused by my mother, at which point I fixed it and then washed my hands of the whole deal and refused to make another decision for anyone. (I may have thrown a tantrum in there somewhere, stolen my mothers car, and driven off for some alone time.) After that I left everything to the ‘adults’ and played with the kids most of the time.
Important things I took away from it: Don’t try to organised/fix things, you’ll just get stressed out and not get the credit for the 8 person meal you managed to pull out of thin air. Make sure you have your own space to retreat too (we all rented holiday homes in a holiday village, so each ‘family’ had their own house and hosted at different points), and don’t be afraid to go away and be alone if you need to (I’m so introverted, and 3 days without a second to myself is too much.)
Good luck and I hope you manage to have fun!
Having a space to retreat to is *super important* for me and a lot of my anxious, introverted family. Or identifying the family members that you can be with and still feel alone (in a good way!), if that makes sense. We had a big traumatic funeral in my family recently, and my cousin’s kids are overwhelmingly loud and energetic and… just… abundant, and we had a very precious hour or so of me, my brother, and my mom hiding in a locked bedroom so we could chill and refill our introvert buffers.
Can you make a plan for what you will do if you feel overwhelmed? Like, maybe you could plan to stay behind from a few of the tours if you feel like it’s too much? If your family wouldn’t understand that, then I think it would be perfectly reasonable to just say that you’re skipping the tour because you’re feeling a bit under the weather.
For away-from-home workout ideas, I’ve been using FitStar lately and I really like it. The free plan is just two workouts a week, but it seems to do a good job of adjusting the workout difficulty to my (lousy) fitness level. If you’d prefer something you can pick yourself, Darebee has lots of equipment-free workouts.
I also find travel SO STRESSFUL. I went to China recently for work and while I wound up having a not bad time, I could not get excited beforehand. Everyone around me was excited for me, and I just couldn’t be. I did do plenty of planning and worrying beforehand, and while it doesn’t feel good, it was helpful (the planning at least) because I had everything I needed. So just acknowledging that you’re not excited and setting your expectations low seems like a good step for now. Then if you do have a good time, it’ll be a nice surprise, and if you don’t, it won’t be a disappointment.
And plan something nice for yourself for when you get back! I told myself that when I got back I was going to eat an American cheeseburger and spend as much time in bed recovering as I wanted, jet lag theories be damned. The American cheeseburger happened at midnight because O’Hare sucks, and the bed thing didn’t happen because of work fuckery, but just having that to look forward to was helpful.
i can’t really enjoy holiday stuff with family most of the time. I love them, but group dynamics are so frustrating, and when they’re bouncing off each other, it’s overwhelming. It’s always easy when its just me and my folks or my siblings or whatever, but once it’s everyone? AIIIEEE.
My thought process is figure out what you want to do. Don’t agree to go on the same vacation with everyone else. Skip at least half the tours. At least. My favorite international trips I hardly saw anything because I plonked down in one place and basically did the same thing each day- went to the same restaurant, walked on the same beach, and I loved it. I like routines.
When I would go on trips with my ex boyfriend’s family I started to do things like tell everyone I’d meet them at the restaurant and walk over early while they drove, or get up early and go get coffee for everyone. It helped SO much. Its kind of impossible to explain how much it helped me listen to them endlessly bicker for the rest of the trip.
At least for me, I’d work on cultivating a mindset of your own vacation goals inside the larger goals and then giving up any other expectations of how it will go. Pick one thing you are excited to see that you plan to see just you and your spouse and figure out when you can sneak off and do that. Plan out your currency exchange plans or paperwork separate from your family, and look forward to maybe having that all sorted when they don’t.
You are an adult now. A huge part of the tension in a group vacation is when people try and do everything together or when someone controls it. Your parents are used to telling you what you are doing with your family time. You can stop this cycle right now, so you have a good time. And don’t ask, tell. Be like, “this sounds cool dad, but I’m only going on three tours, which three do you prefer I attend?” “Oh I’m sorry, on Tuesday spouse and I are going to see the something something museum alone, we need a date. Oh great, you guys go on this tour and I’ll get dinner sorted out”.
And I’m in agreement with everyone else, the trying to force your mind to enjoy it is only set to backfire. I recently moved, and I just had a mantra of “I know this will suck. Moving sucks I certainly wont like it for the first months, its just too stressful” and it let me off the hook, and made it easier when it was hard.
And the last part is just…I know that the whole point is that you can’t roll with the punches right now, but if you can go, “not my job” and make it not your job, you can just let go of some things. If someone else needs to get something sorted out, don’t let it be your job to be the backup worrier for them. Just come up with your plan. If stuff gets messed up, what will you do? Change hotels? Stay in location one? Buy new clothing if your luggage gets messed up? Think through literally the worst case scenarios and then roll back from there. Like, this trip is probably not going to kill you. Right? But if you came up with several ways you might die based on all of your anxieties working together, you might start to laugh about it. That works for my friend and I. Like, “oh man I am dreading this, my dad is going to complain and we’ll get stuck on an island and I’ll have to eat all my sisters.”
I literally just got a clonazepam prescription to deal with an upcoming family trip. I am much happier feeling now. Who knows if this is right/possible for you, but wanted to put it out there.
Ok, so I got my ADHD diagnosis. Which is fine. I can deal with it.
I’m really disappointed that my social anxiety is still classified severe. Granted, it may be aggravated by the 4th cup of coffee I just had and the fact that I’m tapering for my first 1/2 marathon tomorrow(!!!!) but I feel like I’ve made more progress.
Like, I’m not agoraphobic as much anymore, I go to events and socialize at least 1-3 times a week. I no longer throw up before meeting new people. I guess I just thought I had been doing much better than I apparently am.
Darling, I don’t know anything, but I think you ARE doing much better than you think you are, just from this post! God speed.
Maybe it used to be extra-super severe, and now it’s just regular severe? Regardless of your official classification, it sounds like you’re doing better than you were, which is great!
I think how you feel is the most accurate determination. Yes, you took a test that says “severe anxiety” but if you feel like you’ve made more progress, you probably have. Tests aren’t perfect, and only you know with 100% accuracy what’s going on inside your noggin.
Progress, not perfection (to quote FlyLady and prolly other people). 1-3 times a week is…seems like a lot to me, and no barfing = AWESOME, measurable progress. Regardless of the label.
Treating the ADHD may also level you up with the anxiety.
TBH, the events are with people I know and mostly involve running or hitting people with swords. Running is 2-3 times a week depending on if I get out of work in time for group runs. Hitting people with swords is once a week but the local group wants me to join them on Sundays for more hitting.
It still counts. You are socializing, and not barfing, and building your community. Sounds like a lot of progress to me.
Also the swords thing sounds awesome.
I like my sword hobby. It comes along with a “Dress like a pretty princess” hobby and combined they make all my childhood dreams come true.
Honestly it sounds like you are doing amazing. Tests are snapshots, and I think it is perfectly reasonable to go with your gut feeling that you are doing better. From this post it looks like you are better than ok!
Classification schmassification – that sounds like seriously amazing anxiety progress.
I have a question concerning a work thing, but it’s also about feminism.
I do freelance work for a churchy radio programme, meaning I write three small pieces each month that have to have a general christian/theological base. I usually write about the general values in my life, but every once in a while, I try to write something that explicitly mentions Christianity.
For my next recording, I want to write something about how, if Jesus were alive today, he’d be a feminist. I don’t have a problem with argumenting in favour of this, I just don’t know how to talk about a man being a feminist. Is this even something I can say? If so, how do I explain that?
Note: My pieces are only allowed to be 1:15 min long, and they are targeted to tweens, so there is not much room for in-depth explanations.
I’m going off memory here, but maybe talk about how when Jesus talks to women he talks to them as people, i.e., the exact same way he talks to any of his other followers? He doesn’t shame the woman at the well (and defends her against the people who want to stone her). He comes to Mary of Bethany’s defense when Judas criticizes her for washing his feet with expensive oil. Sure, he kinda tells off Martha for making the kitchen a priority/criticizing her sister for not helping, but before the miracle of the loaves and the fishes he also speaks to Phillip in a very similar way (chiding Phillip for wanting to go ask around for food/go shopping instead of trusting in him).
There’s probably more examples out there, but these are what came to mind. Hope this helps! 🙂
Thank you! Those were the examples that came to my mind as well, but you put them together very nicely 🙂
But my question was more, how do I start talking about a man being a feminist? Can I just say that in this exact words?
Yep, men can be feminists. It’s not a gender-exclusive thing. I would treat that as a given.
Yeah, I theoretically know this, but I wasn’t sure how to talk about this, and I figured I had to explain how it is possible, because not everyone sees it like that.
Is there ever space/room/time for follow up questions? I might think through the “given” stuff (how men can be feminists) and have an explanatory statement available for anyone who questions the “given.” But the limitations of the medium might rule that out.
Regardless, this sounds like a cool project.
Actually I think tiny_bookbot said it better below!
Well, I basically never get feedback from actual listeners, which sucks. (My stuff is pre-recorded, not live.) And the problem is that the people from the station like to think the listeners are not very intelligent, so everything has to be as simple as possible.
Using what tiny_bookbot said, I think I might just start out with a very general sentence, something like “feminism is about treating women as people”, and then, “and that’s what Jesus did” etc.
I was a bit lost yesterday because I felt like I *needed* some explanation as to why men can be feminists, but I don’t really remember why. But you all helped a lot!
Sure! Maybe do a brief definition of feminism first – dictionary-wise or with a Christian slant, that men and female are both created in God’s image and are equal in His sight, etc.
Yes, of course! I somehow completely forgot about men and women being created equal actually being in the bible, thank you very much for reminding me!
Honestly I’d forgotten myself until a few weeks ago! (Also idk how I ended up writing “men and female” above; A+ proofreading, self!)
Re: Jesus and Martha, when Lazarus dies, Martha DOES get her shining moment of beautifully professing her faith (AND speaking her mind!), and it’s a lovely counterpart to the other Mary/Martha story.
Yes! I love that moment.
I think you definitely can. Point to how he treated the women around him — his mother was the catalyst for him starting his ministry, women were the first to find him alive again, his interactions with “throw the first stone” and teachings on treating fellow humans as you’d treat yourself.
“Point to how he treated the women around him” – yes, that’s a great sentence to get into this, thank you!
I think you can even say–because this is an issue for teens/tweens in the church sometimes–“If you think religion and feminism don’t go together, Jesus shows us otherwise.” and then launch into the excellent stuff other Toasties have brought up. It gets you around having to unpack the potentially tricky “Jesus/a man can be a feminist” thing while indirectly stating it.
That’s great, thank you! The programme actually runs on a secular station (I don’t think we actually have radio stations that are entirely religious in my country?), so it’s also about showing what the church/christianity is about, and I think what you said fits in with this very nicely.
I was gonna say you could start with something like “Jesus taught the equal humanity of all people–men and women”, but I think I like this better.
I like your suggestion as well! I’d have to simplify it, though, because a sentence like this wouldn’t get through.
Sister Joan Chittister & she has *a lot* about this in her work. She has a whole book about it called, “Heart of Flesh: Feminist Spirituality for Women and Men.” It’s probably a good resource.
Last year, she was on Oprah & said the words, “Jesus was a feminist.” I can’t find the full clip now (they seem to have taken a lot of if off line), but here’s part of that conversation. http://www.supersoul.tv/supersoul-sunday/what-sis…
Oh, thank you, am going to watch/read this tomorrow!
Joan is one of my Favorite Humans (TM). One of the wisest, fiercest-in-the-face-of-injustice people on the planet. In addition to her bad ass feminism, she’s just one of the most effective social justice warriors of our time, one of the deepest souls, & is a damn fine writer to boot. I can’t recommend reading her enough, even if it’s for your own pleasure, esp. if this is a subject you’re interested in after work. Actually, working with her started out as a job-only thing, but it seeped into my personal life & I’m a better human for it.
Look at the Gospel of Luke! One of Luke’s major deals is the participation of women (he addresses it a lot in Acts, too, but that’s not about Jesus, per se), and also economic justice.
I’m just… having some cat feels… cat feels thread here please…
I started volunteering with Feral Feline Friends at the local Petsmart and there was this cat that I started petting because she looked like my cat and she was just… looking far away, and daydreaming, and I could tell she was thinking about the one she loved, and being outside with the grass.
And then I painted it, while listening to When She Loved Me on repeat, crying all night.
And then I started my period!
http://shartbreaker.tumblr.com/post/143912379743/…
I’m volunteering again tomorrow so hopefully I will pet her all day OR see her gone to a happy home.
fantastic that you are volunteering! connecting with animals is a wonderful thing.
That painting brought tears to my eyes. A few years ago I said goodbye to a wonderful cat. Now every time I see a cat that looks like him I feel a tug at my heart strings. And this painting with those words…. Gah! I’m going to go chop some onions to hide my feels.
Oh my gosh, glad I’m not the only one tearing up over this!
Ahhhh, I need to get home and pet my cat this instant! Totally tearing up over that painting.
Damn you. I am legit crying at work now and I have a meeting in like two minutes.
Allergies. Seasonal allergies. Yeah. That’s all.
I’M NOT CRYING YOU’RE CRYING
That painting is so beautiful. I love animals an unreasonable amount, and am at least 10 times more likely to cry about animals than humans at any given time. I think this was my sign that it’s time to leave work and hang out with my best kitty friend!
Thank you for crying with me everyone!! And I’m glad the picture turned out well, I kept you know… crying… so the quality I felt was lacking… but then I liked how it looked in the end. Thanks 🙂 watercolors are fairly new to me!
Our cats are not gonna know what to do with this sudden burst of affection though!
I’ll report back tomorrow and post how she is.
You really captured her wistful, dreamy feeling!
I’m so glad 😀
Aww, so sweet! I volunteer at a cat shelter too, and there’s one who looks SO much like my dearly departed cat that I nearly started crying when I first met her. I love her, even though I know she doesn’t have his same personality and all. I wish I could bring her home, but I already have four. But I give her extra love every time I’m there.
I love your painting!
(Also, I assume she’s not feral since she was enjoying all the love. Are some of them feral, or former ferals? I love feral cats too. It’s SO rewarding when you can finally persuade one to trust you, even a little bit.)
This is my shelter love cat, Zoe. (I actually have about seven shelter love cats there, but she’s the one who just tugs at my heartstrings in that sentimental way for love of my boycat.) http://www.goathouserefuge.org/adopt-a-cat/?actio…
So some of them are feral, and the cat rescue has them fixed and releases them, and some of them are like… softies. Like this kitty was found in an abandoned apartment complex but she wants to be a friend of humans.
My mom at one point found what she thought was a muddy cat corpse in the ditch and it was actually just a tiny feral cat who had totally given up so she brought her home and she lived in the shed and mom named her Essie–“S.C”, Shed Cat–and after like a year it went from her completely hiding in the shed and never allowing herself to be seen to getting all up on everyone with her nasty snaggletooth face and her stubby little body. It was amazing… patience seemed to bring her back to life and made her into a friend of humans.
ZOE your cute little grumpy face! She does need someone to love, I can see it!! I hope you get cat bonks from her all the time and she has her own special person to give bonks to…
Poor Essie! I’m glad she turned out so well. I grew up with a whole succession of shed cats. Somehow a shed cat would just come to us when it was time for a new cat, and we learned to patiently gain their trust.
I definitely give Zoe lots of special love, and whisper sweet nothings like “Nobody loves you like I do, Zoe!” and try to persuade people that they need her. I’ll hook her up with someone good, I just know it.
GUESS WHAT EVERYONE I WENT INTO VOLUNTEER TODAY AND GUESS WHO HAS A NOTE THAT SAYS “I’M GOING HOME TOMORROW!” SHE DID!!!! I HELD HER AND TOLD HER ABOUT IT AND SHE SAT IN MY LAP AND SEEMED SO HAPPY. I THINK SHE KNEW.
I’M SO HAPPY.
Yay! You must have been each other’s good luck charms!
I wish her so much happiness in her new home. And thank you for the work that you do.
So last night I had my first meeting for a theater production I’m going to be a part of and I’m suuuuuper excited. It’s space-specific, interactive, involves dance and theater and is going to involve actor and audience interaction with the space. Basically, I’m freaking out because it’s going to be SO COOL and I get to help write it.
AAAAAAND it turns out I’m gonna get paid, which is more than I expected when I signed on. I’m turning into the weird little writerartist I always wanted to be and it feels great.
Any new exciting projects, Toasties?
I’m getting back into the theater scene after a long absence from it, and I’ve just been cast in a series of scenes to be performed at my city’s historic cemetery, chronicling the lives of the famous people buried there! I’m really excited about it!
Dunno if it counts as a project, but I’m doing my Toast Post cards this weekend, yay!!!!
I’m a reviewer and last night I saw a play and all I wanted to write was “it was two hours long with no intermission in a close, hot room filled with paint fumes.”
Yours doesn’t sound like that, so you’re good. 🙂
Hello everyone, I want to hear all your theories on Star Trek’s Universal Translator technology. All facets welcome, but I’m especially interested in hearing your thoughts on how children (like Molly O’Brien) who spend their entire lives in UT environments acquire language.
I am on season 3 of DS9; no major spoilers please.
I am also hella curious! I’m not even sure how it physically works–is everyone wearing earbuds? Do little hyperfocused streams of sound get squirted into peoples’ ears? Do they have a secret TARDIS?
I thought the communicator badge did it. BUT there’s also a pill you can take that makes you fluent in another language for a set period of time, like 48 hrs or whatever. So maybe the Universal Translator doesn’t actually do everything all the time? Or maybe whoever took that pill (I think it was Bones) in that book I read when I was in middle school was going undercover or something.
Does there need to be a connection to the ship or a station though? Am thinking of various “stuck on planet with strange aliens” eps but I guess the problem could just be Interference.
DS9 at one point had Ferengi with some kind of ear implant.
Yeah, people are always losing their combadges (or talking amongst themselves without having them in the first place) and they seem to get by, so it must be something harder to physically remove.
And generally the civilians don’t have them.
Quantum. It works by quantum.
And reversing the polarity.
Sometimes they give it a boost by removing the saucer section.
Or something something graviton particles.
That’s the big mystery, isn’t it? What the UT physically is? Everything kinda falls into place if you know that.
If it’s an implant, the early language acquisition problem is easy – don’t give it to kids until they’re fluent in something. I don’t remember ever seeing Molly talking to anyone other than her parents, which is a point in that theory’s favor. And in fact, it could be really useful in raising bilingual children, because the parents could communicate freely while teaching the child two languages at once. But then that raises the issue of what to do with races who can’t be guaranteed to have UT implants. Probably with official first contact missions, like the one Riker went on, the person doing the survey learns the local language (with or without the help of technology). But what about unexpected first contact? I don’t remember ever seeing them have trouble communicating with a new race except the one from the Gamma Quadrant, and even then it was only briefly.
And in Voyager they very rarely have any lasting difficulty communicating with new species in the Delta Quadrant.
It’s a Babelfish, right?
You know, I wonder if they double up on formats. One main overhead translator for the ship/station/city, one for each individual. Maybe they can also be more localized, so, say, the O’Briens could turn off the one in their quarters so Molly can learn both of their languages, but keep their personal ones on so they can understand each other.
FURTHER TO THIS: what language is O’Brien speaking? Do we know that he’s speaking English? Maybe he’s speaking Irish. What kind of impact has the UT had on Ireland’s efforts to preserve the Irish language? What kind of impact has the UT had on efforts to preserve other languages? What kind of impact has the UT had on the evolution of all languages? Going back to the topic of early language acquisition, does the UT allow parents to understand their children’s speech sooner than they otherwise would? If so, does that deincentivize the children from continuing to refine their speech patterns? If so, has there been a language shift as a result?
I imagine that whether a language in declining use could be saved by the UT depends on whether children are still learning it as their first at the point at which the UT becomes widespread in that area. Also, whether children continue to learn it, which would require a fairly sizable community of adults invested in teaching it to them. So it might also require a concerted effort. But I could totally see both a moribund language being revived by the UT and a more widely-spoken one dying out because of it.
If he spoke Irish, I imagine he’d spell his name Ó Briain*, and Molly would, I think, be Máire Ni Bhriain. But one does wonder about the fate of linguistic minorities! Does instant effortless translation make things easier or harder for them?
* I don’t know if you’ve gotten here yet, but (smallest spoiler of all time) Miles actually is a descendant of Brian Boru, or at least he claims to be.
Also, he knows at least enough English to drunkenly sing “Jerusalem”.
There’s an early TNG episode where Picard gets all in a huff about French being called an “archaic language” or something. If French is barely extant by then, there’s not a lot of hope for languages with smaller pools of speakers surviving.
I studied Celtic languages and sociolinguistics in college, and (sadly) I very much doubt that Irish (or Scottish Gaelic, or Breton) would survive long enough to still have any native speakers by the 24th century. It’s possible that it might die out and be revived later in a different fashion, though– rather like Modern Hebrew.
Also, they had a World War Three, so who knows what countries and Earth languages might have been wiped out there…
I vaguely remembered that French was said to be an almost-dead language, but then I was like, “no, that was just a joke on Futurama.” But it turns out it can be both!
I read one fan theory somewhere that suggested that the Augment Wars and World War III disproportionately affected Asia and Africa, and that’s the real reason why such a disproportionate number of Starfleet personnel are of North American or European stock. :: sad trombone noise ::
Uh… yes, that must be it!!
Sure, in the sense that contemporary conflicts often disproportionately affect people living in disadvantaged countries, which by a TOTAL COINCIDENCE tend to be in Africa and Asia, and of course Starfleet couldn’t do anything about that, they’re neutral, don’t you know.
It is clear to me that the Toast Collective should write the next Star Trek series and/or retcon the whole universe to deal with shit like this.
Although, hang on… is Keiko a monolingual Japanese speaker? What does she call Molly? Does she call herself Keiko O’Brien or Oburaien Keiko? This rabbit hole is so flipping deep!
I could easily believe that every single person on Earth speaks Federation standard (i.e., English) as their primary language by then, and that maybe only a few people still speak the “ancient” language of whatever region they grew up in. (The die-hard traditionalists like Picard’s father, who refused to use a replicator and so on).
I’d find it very believable if Keiko didn’t speak Japanese, or wasn’t raising her daughter to speak it. Also, I can’t remember if they said she actually grew up in Japan or somewhere else on Earth. Maybe she’s from Wichita!
That rather depressing scenario would actually fit in with the idea that all Klingons speak “Klingonese”; all humans just speak Humanian, I guess.
For that matter, it’s entirely possible that planets that have been Federation members for centuries have also lost their language; maybe Vulcans mostly speak English too, except for a few religious and specialized terms like katra and pon farr. Though they do have a different alphabet, so maybe not. Which raises the other obvious question of how the hell the UT sometimes but not always allows people to read other languages (they can always figure out the controls of a completely alien spaceship within twenty seconds, but it takes a lot of work to translate important ancient prophecies written on crumbling ruins; funny how that works).
(Side note: Ever since I realized that Mass Effect capitalizes the names of alien species the same way they capitalize “human” – i.e. “asari”, “turian”, etc., without caps – it really bothers me that “Klingon” is capitalized and “human” isn’t.)
“how the hell the UT sometimes but not always allows people to read other languages”
Eyeball implants? Maybe it’s like Google Glass, but embedded in your face 🙂
Okay, related: I know Darmok and Jalad at Tanagra is a beloved episode of TNG, but…I don’t actually think it’s plausible? Because if “Darmok and Jalad at Tanagra” means “we strangers should work together to defeat a common enemy” then wouldn’t the UT translate it as that? That’s the whole point of translation, right, that you take the meaning of what someone said and put it into words the other person can understand.
Anyway. I feel like if there’s anywhere with the perfect overlap of sci-fi and language nerdery to discuss this, it is here.
There was a tumblr post I saw a while back that likened the “Darmok and Jalad” communication style to memes. It was awesome.
(found it! Here: http://allthingslinguistic.com/post/142202729443/… )
OF COURSE it’s The Toast’s Own Gretchen McCulloch.
But the translator doesn’t have the cultural background to make that translation.
Of course, a lot of translation isn’t just knowing the literal meaning of the words but the context and connotations for the original usage and how to express that in the target language, and that may change based on the expected audience of the target language.
But that can’t possibly be the only time the translator’s encountered metaphors, idioms, etc. Why can it handle them other times, but not this time? (I’m aware that I’m really just getting distracted from an interesting exploration of language and metaphor by thinking about the limitations of imaginary technology, because neeeeeeeeeerd :p )
Probably for the same reason that Data constantly needs basic English expressions explained to him, even though he is literally a walking encyclopedia
Aww, Data. I’ll forgive a lot of plot inconsistencies for that guy.
What I really want is for someone involved in making that episode to give a long, thoughtful, thorough explanation of how that language and it communication problems with other languages are possible, but given that the official answer to “where is the UT located” is apparently “it’s in the combadge lol” I won’t hold my breath. In related news, my transformation into the Comic Book Guy seems to be complete.
It’s simple, a wizard did it!
My fanwank is that the UT can only do so much when it encounters a completely new language, and that it relies on people to program and update its language files.
If you have access to cultural information about a particular group, then scholars/ linguists/ IT folks can program the cultural nuances of that language into the UT for better results. But, if you encounter a language for the first time, you can only get the literal meaning of words, and that cultural context has to be programmed in later.
Good point. I guess the only thing to do now is embark on a thorough, scientific re-watch of every Star Trek series, to analyze how they deal with this issue. Oh, the sacrifices I make in the name of science!
You must!! We’re all counting on you!
This will also allow me to explore my theory that it’s actually more dangerous, in terms of likelihood of dying before the end of the episode in which you’re introduced, to be one of Captain Kirk’s love interests than it is to be a redshirt. Because those ladies die A LOT.
Also, accents! What is the in-universe explanation for them? Are they just for flavor, to tell the audience what language the character is supposed to be speaking in? I’m thinking of Worf’s parents here. Why do they have accents? And why do some non-English speakers who don’t have foreign accents sound British, while others sound American? Can you choose the variation of the target language that people hear you in?
I’d like to think that Worf’s Russian Jewish parents raised him to speak Yiddish, and that he could reel off a string of Isaac Bashevis Singer stories if he really wanted to.
HEADCANON
I love this question so much, and even though the answer is “it works as the plot says it needs to”, I am totally down for exploring this in more detail.
So for starters, I think that you have to assume that the way it’s filmed is a conceit. They show us everyone speaking English, but that’s because they can’t realistically show us Miles speaking English, Keiko speaking Japanese, Kira speaking Bajoran*, etc. But in “reality”, that’s exactly what’s happening – everyone is speaking their own language all the time, and can understand each other. (That’s why the UT conveniently fails to translate it when Picard gets called an honorless petaQ – it’s not that the UT didn’t translate it, it’s that the translation conceit used in filming it is temporarily ignored. Also, apparently it’s spelled “petaQ”, who knew?)
So presumably, Molly grows up hearing English and Japanese at home, and a dozen other languages whenever she leaves her quarters! Perhaps she’s fitted from infancy with a UT that translates into one of her household languages, in which case she might herself not speak both of her parents’ languages. Or maybe she gets her UT after she’s already linguistic, in which case she’d be at least bilingual. That would probably slow down language acquisition somewhat, but plenty of kids are brought up in multi-lingual settings.
As for what the UT is, I think the TNG Technical Manual I had in middle school like a big ol’ dork said it was in the combadge, but that doesn’t make a lot of sense. If the conceit I described is true, then everyone on the bridge would be talking and their combadges would all be repeating what everyone else was saying in different languages, and it would be a disaster. (Then again, it also doesn’t make a lot of sense that sometimes they can’t find someone on the ship when they take their combadge off, but then they can also scan an entire planet to instantly find someone, but we’ll leave that for another time.) The Ferengi, as someone mentioned, are explicitly shown to have UTs embedded in their ears. But that’s really the only clue we’re given. It’s possible, of course, that the circuitry for the UT is in the combadge, and that the badge transmits the translation data to an earpiece. Still seems like it would be awful hard to concentrate on what anyone was saying.
On a side note: we know a little bit about what life before the UT from (ugh) Enterprise. Hoshi Sato could fluently speak dozens if not hundreds of languages, and although she clearly was a genius and she clearly worked very hard at it, that’s not something that even the most devoted prodigy can learn to do by their early 20s in our world. So even before the UT, there must have been some form of assistive technology in place – or at least dramatically different methods of pedagogy. But we know that the world of Star Trek is solidly against both genetic and cybernetic augmentation, so it’s hard to imagine exactly what form that technology might have taken.
(We also know, incidentally, that even after the development of the UT, learning new languages is something that Starfleet officers routinely do. I’m pretty sure there are classes in at least Klingon at the Academy, and many Starfleet officers learn additional languages for fun or personal development. It’s unclear if they do so the old-fashioned way or if they use assistive technology to do so, but presumably the point is to be able to understand the language even when all the technology fails, so my guess is that it is done the old-fashioned way.)
I am here for any and all conversations about arcane Trek trivia.
* The ridiculous fact that Earth is a planet with 6000 languages and all the other planets just have one will be ignored.
You know what’s funny? Until you said it, the possibility that they might be raising Molly to be monolingual on purpose hadn’t even occurred to me. I still think it’s only really likely if there’s a technical reason that raising her to be bilingual isn’t possible, but given the Federation’s entire philosophy of multiculturalism I’d be surprised if individual UTs weren’t available with the option to toggle between preferred languages.
I can’t speak to the ethos of Enterprise since I haven’t seen it yet, but I wonder if the attitude toward cybernetic and genetic implants that we see in TNG and its contemporaries could be imagined retroactively as having shifted over time to be more conservative as technology increases what’s possible. As a Trek-related example of real-world attitude shift, there’s the DS9 episode about the Cardassian teenager who was raised by Bajorans – they want to find out if he has living Cardassian family, so Gul Dukat says Sisko should send a sample of his DNA to run through their databanks and Sisko says sure, and that’s that. Apparently the idea of Sisko agreeing to share someone else’s DNA information without asking permission wasn’t a big deal to the people who made the episode in the 90s, but to someone (specifically me) watching now it looks like a huge breach of privacy, precisely because of the culture of data protection concern that’s emerged in the last ~10 years as a result of improving technology. So maybe you could make the case that, even if in TNG the idea of sighted humans being fitted with VISORs is anathema despite being possible, it wouldn’t bother someone 200 years in the past at all to be experimenting with language implants.
It’s certainly true that Enterprise is set before first contact with the Borg (well, okay, it is after first contact, because first contact happened in First Contact, and then there’s another first contact in Enterprise, and then the Hansens have the third first contact, but it’s before the first contact with the Borg that really took, anyway) so yeah, there could totally be less cyborgophobia back then. Fear of genetic engineering was still a Thing, though, because that comes from Khan Noonien Singh and the Augment Wars, which – as we all remember – happened in the 1990s.
I don’t recall ever seeing anything in Enterprise that implied that cybernetic enhancement was any more common than in later shows, but then again it was often hard to see the screen, since I kept on throwing popcorn at it and yelling “BOO, THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A PREQUEL, WHY ARE YOU SPENDING AN ENTIRE SEASON FUCKING AROUND WITH A BUNCH OF BORING ALIENS WE HAVEN’T EVEN HEARD OF BEFORE INSTEAD OF COOL VULCAN/ANDORIAN INTRIGUE, ALSO YOUR THEME SONG IS SOFT ROCK WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU SMOKING OVER THERE”
OH RIGHT, I forgot about the 1990s!
That was a grim time in so many ways…. the cloning, the scrunchies… (shudders)
I don’t think there’s any way to make sense of the concept of the Universal Translator without invoking strong AI doing the translation, and coordinating across various devices in the background to solve all these issues.
But that’s a really terrible solution, because Star Trek mostly avoids the whole idea of AI and so invoking it raises 10 times as many issues as the Universal Translator does to begin with. Like dealing with the Enterprise being sentient. And at that point, you might as well just be in The Culture instead of Star Trek. So, you know, dangerous questions lead us down dangerous paths.
Well, that’s another thing I’m wondering about. A lot of the things that make the universal translator as presented seem unrealistic could be explained by it being sentient and having the ability to essentially read everyone’s mind. So, great! Except, wait, that’s terrifying!
Of course, they do talk about AI as it relates to Data, and they sort of hint at some of those same questions with regard to the Enterprise, but it’s true, they really, really do not go nearly as deep as they could.
I am a lifelong Trek fan and have an undergrad linguistics degree. Personal opinion: the UT is absolute nonsense. There’s no possible way to translate a completely new language (e.g., new species arriving from the Gamma Quadrant), unless you already have access to a related language with similar root words and so on. It’s basically trying to break a completely random code.
(Also, it apparently makes your lips move in English, too!)
The language acquisition thing is interesting. I would guess that, if you were a kid growing up with access to that kind of instant translation technology, there would be little-to-no benefit in taking the time to actually learn another language other than the primary one(s) you use to communicate with your family and friends. Though, I suppose, it might be something that parents would sign their kids up for (like music lessons) because it’s good for your brain, not necessarily because it’s useful.
If someone asked me, “hey M—, in what online community with no direct relationship to either Star Trek or linguistics are you most likely to encounter someone else with a healthy obsession with Trek and a linguistics B.A. (and a love for Diana Rigg)” I would absolutely have said the Toast.
I don’t know about the “healthy” part, but otherwise <3 <3 <3. 🙂
*raises hand to be counted*
And there’s more than one of us. Trekkie linguistics BAs, at least, if not the Diana Rigg thing.
I had a great week because my parents came to visit me in Chicago for the first time! We did amazing things we would never have gotten around to on our own (we only moved here in June). Our activities included going to Second City for a comedy show and Frontera Grill where we actually saw Rick Bayless! It was the weekend of the James Beard Awards so there was a great deal of hobnobbing going on. We also did the Field Museum of Natural History and an incredible architecture boat tour on the Chicago river. A blast was had by all.
Anyone else have visitors? What do you like/hate about hosting? Family-specific especially encouraged.
I hate when guests insist on cooking even though (1) I love cooking, and everyone knows it and (2) when they are Very Bad Cooks. I have a brother-in-law who thinks he is a brilliant chef (he is not) and he always, ALWAYS, insists on cooking several meals when he comes to visit. One year he made steaks that he coated in powdered thyme. There was so much on there it made my tongue actually tingle. Another time he used all my butter–a half pound–sauteing vegetables for omelets. He is very nice, so we try not to rain on his cooking parade, but a few times I have had to utterly deny him access to my kitchen because I could not eat another crappy meal. (And once he baked apple pies in my oven, didn’t put a pan under the pie, and it leaked sugary pie goo all over my oven and he didn’t clean it up.) Oof.
I just came to say that the architecture boat tour in Chicago is THE BEST. The Best. I highly recommend it to everyone. You learn so much cool Chicago history! They serve beer on the boat! Truly, a wonderful outing for the whole family.
I love when my parents/family/friends visit me in Chicago because there’s so much great stuff to do, and so many of those damn east coasters are like “yeah, but it’s, like, cold, and not new york?” Then I show off our beautiful architecture and museums and food and green space and affordable rent and they’re like “Oh. I see why you live here.”
Oh man, toasties, my dissertation defense is on Monday and I am 100% ready to just be DONE. Here is my dog depicting how I feel about today’s work agenda.
This is a repeat, but my dog also helpfully illustrates how I feel about work today!
Will be sending you prayer and hugs from here! You are smart, you have worked very hard, and you will be amazing tomorrow.
Sooooo my week has been…uum interesting. Earlier this week I ended my relationship of three years. It was so heartbreaking but probably the right thing to do. Tonight, I’m going on my first date in three years with a guy I met a few weeks ago. I’m like a melting pot of emotions right now: sad over things not working out with my ex, missing him, still totally in love, yet excited about this date and this guy, and still totally a nervous wreck. I haven’t been able to focus on anything today, I am so nervous. It’s probably a little soon to be dating again, but I’m 30 and this guy might not be in my city for very long, so why wait?
Give us the deets girl!!
Which deets do you want? We’re going to the HUMP film festival as a first date (my perhaps dumb idea), so who the hell knows what’s going to happen!!!
I am in a surprisingly similar situation! Different details, but: ending a long relationship; having feelings for someone new. I have talked a lot about it with my therapist, and I’ve felt a lot of guilt, which she has tried to help me with. I hope you are not feeling guilt! It actually doesn’t sound like you are, so two thumbs up. But I empathize with the nervous wreck feeling and the melting pot of emotions thing. And I say WHY WAIT indeed! We will both be okay in the end, I think. I hope you can enjoy the date tonight once you get there! Good luck!
Yeah I don’t feel guilty at all. I’ve always found crushes to be a totally normal part of being in a relationship, so I never really gave myself a hard time over finding someone attractive. My relationship with my ex ended for totally different reasons and it had nothing to do with this guy. I waited three years for him to commit in the way I wanted, and I just realized he couldn’t. He would make promises and then go back on them a week later, over and over, and I felt he lacked a lot of self-reflection. I’m actually not ruling getting back together at some point, but I just have trust issues with him at this that I’m not sure I can move past. I think he’s one of those guys who will say anything, and truly believe it, when he feels he might lose the person he loves, but then freak out over his promises and try to go back to the status quo. I love him and he’s a wonderful person, but it just became clear that he wasn’t ready for what I wanted (cohabitation, marriage, etc). The guy I’m seeing tonight knows a lot of this, I shared a little with him before asking him out, but I don’t want the night to become about that. Just want to enjoy myself and him and getting to know him. I hope I can do that and not read too much into all of it.
Raise a glass!
The weather is supposed to be ‘Mediterranean’ this weekend, and I’m more than ready for the great British summer (likely just this weekend, a weekend in July, and solid rain the rest of the time). If I wasn’t working this weekend I’d head over to the Norfolk Broads.
Toasties, where are your favourite places to go when the sun is shining?
A leisurely promenade along the paseo/boulevard/whatever and window shopping/people watching.
I am the bizarro land version of you. I live on the sea in a place that is a perpetually sunny and breezy 24C forever and ever amen. It only rains a few times a year here which means whenever I miss an opportunity to stand outside before and sometimes during a rainstorm, as I did this morning, I am crushed beyond reason. At least I got to stand outside after the rain and smell my garden.
Governors Island. It’s a short, cheap ferry ride from the southern tip of Manhattan, and it contains an old fort, a fake beach, huge parks, rolling hills, a HAMMOCK GARDEN, and a bunch of food trucks and outdoor restaurants. It opens at the end of this month and I cannot wait!
I am constitutionally averse to sun/ heat/ light (etc.), so I’d say on my sofa watching Netflix.
After an extremely rough start to the week, I’m feeling better than I have in quite a while!
Since January, someone had been sneaking into my cubicle while I was out at lunch or on a day off and leaving garbage on my desk. They weren’t targeting anyone else, and the timing was so precise that it was clear they were watching my movements. The security team at my office is incompetent, and it took forever for me to convince them that I needed a motion-activated camera on my desk so that we could find out who this person was. Then, when they finally put it up, they made me promise not to try to look at the pictures, and they positioned the camera in such a way that it couldn’t actually see the person. This led to several wasted weeks of more incidents with no data and me feeling increasingly unsafe. Yesterday, we finally got an image. It’s a man (because of course it is) that I’ve probably spoken five words to in my life, and he didn’t give a good reason for targeting me. I’m really, really glad it’s not a person I know and like at work. As a very pleasant surprise, HR made him leave the office immediately and are going to fire him.
It’s been a rough couple of months, and I’m so glad that this is finally resolved. I’m really proud of how well I advocated for myself, documented everything, and stayed professional. Does anyone else have experience successfully dealing with such bizarre harassment? I’m in the mood to celebrate with other people!
Woah, that is NUTSO. I’m glad it’s resolved and you are amazing for sticking up for yourself! But how….very very WEIRD.
That is weird and terrible, but I’m so happy your workplace is taking it seriously!
That’s so bizarre! Good for you for forcing them to take action.
that is categorically CRAZY and I’m so sorry you had to deal with it! Honestly I am so relieved HR is going to fire him, because that’s so damn scary.
What the Fuck?? What kind of garbage?? Is this how an episode of ‘Unusual Suspects’ plays out??
You handled it amazingly, by the way.
Thank you! It was food garbage: used coffee cups, dirty plates, etc. Once it was a half-eaten piece of cake and an open container of ranch dressing. It was super weird!
What the eff. This is the weirdest form of harassment I have ever heard of. Thank God he’s going and good for you!
I have no stories but am incredibly curious to know why he was doing that. What are men.
Ugh, men! So irrational. Glad his ass is getting fired.
damn you are amazing. This had such a good ending! So happy they fired him.
WHAT. THE. F#@K.
So glad HR has your back.
I’m pissed on your behalf that you had to browbeat them into taking the right action, but so glad the man is apprehended and canned.
Way to go on standing up for yourself and seeing it through! That’s bullshit that you had so much resistance from the security people, but I’m glad to hear it’s been taken care of. What a creepy weirdo.
I have had to deal with weird and/or usually-plausibly-deniable harassment before, although it was never as extensive as yours, and the lesson I learned was document, document, document. Even if you’re tempted to brush off just one little incident, make a quick note of when it happened and what exactly went down, and then save it in a text file in a folder you normally never look at. That way, the odds are you won’t ever have to worry about needing it, but IF you do, it’s there as a record, with dates and times and circumstances.
In fact, I was just giving this advice to a friend who was describing a coworker who has made a whole bunch of gross comments about breasts, but he manages to only do it around her when they’re off company property and/or away from managers. Apparently everyone agrees that he’s gross, but none of the dudes are bothered enough by his sexist (and racist!) comments to do much more than admit “yeah, he says dumb things, oh well!” Even if nothing can be done about someone like that, I think there’s value in the peace of mind keeping a record gives you–like that crap didn’t just vanish into the ether without consequence.
10000% this. Record and document everything. That’s how I was able to prove the pattern when I went to my office manager the first time. It also helped my peace of mind to be able to look back over the record and reassure myself that I wasn’t overreacting or imagining things: this was really happening, it was weird, and I was allowed to be upset.
Also, over the course of my wrangling with security, I started emailing meeting summaries to people with what people said and what we’d all agreed next steps would be. I copied everyone who knew about the incidents. This way I had a clear record of what everyone agreed to and was able to point to that when things went south. (This was useful when the local HR rep, thinking I wasn’t coming in on Monday due to a miscommunication between her and my supervisor, took down the camera without telling me about it because of pressure from legal. I was able to say that I had absolutely consented to having the camera in my cubicle and to give evidence that legal had approved it before, and I got it back by the end of the day.)
GOOD FOR YOU!
What a bizarre story! I’m so glad he got caught and fired! Way to go HR for doing the right thing! And good for you for making them do the right thing too!
That is some high school bull shit. I am very impressed with the way you handled it, though. There was a woman at work who would point out if i was having a bad hair day or if I had a bad break out (yay for adult acne!). She thought was my friend and that she was being funny. She came over to my desk one day and told me that my shirt made me look fat and as much as I wanted to tell that bitch something about her appearance, I instead told her to stay away from my desk unless it’s work-related. I told her that she isn’t funny and that I have no interest in hearing her speak unless it involves a project that I am working on. She was so upset and started apologizing and explained that she was only joking and she didn’t mean to hurt my feelings. I told her that she never hurt my feelings, it’s just that her voice annoys the fuck out of me.
Guys, it’s my turn to be the weekly ‘I listened to Hamilton for the first time this week’ person. I was so afraid I wouldn’t like it that I was putting it off forever, but it snuck up on me and now I’m in love.
We finally listened to it a few weeks back and were almost crying about how long it took us, because Stephen Sondheim finally has a worthy successor.
Sadly I live in London so I don’t know how long it’s going to take to get over here. It’s got so many awards they can’t ignore it, but the first act at least isn’t the UK’s favorite subject matter. (Strangely they seem to just… Ignore that bit of history)
Even if it did, I don’t know if it would mean as much to them? Does that matter?
I don’t think it matters, I don’t really like it for the ‘this is my country’ thing because I don’t feel connected to the US as my country much at all, I like it because it is just *brilliant* the way it takes a lot of existing musical theatre tropes and plays with them.
That actually gives me a lot of hope. I’m not into either rap/hip hop or musicals enough to catch more than just a few of the tropes and references that are in there, but maybe they’ll look at it like that.
I just know that this part of history isn’t taught in UK schools really, so the whole thing where POC are finally getting to see themselves as people vitally important to the founding of our nation and being celebrated on stage isn’t going to happen here.
Hamilton is headed to London in 2017!
That was me last week, and I’m completely in love too! One of the really delightful things has been seeing just how many other people think it is THE BEST also, so really it’s the gift that keeps on giving. 😀
Welcome.
(I bought our plane tickets yesterday – we see it NEXT MONTH! So weird I can say that now, even though it’s the end of June and that’s still sooo far away.)
I am seeing it on Monday! I bought my tickets in October! It’s been a loooong wait.
Have the BEST time (as if anything else is possible.)
November for us, and even then I had to get 1 seat a few rows from the other 3.
(The single seat is excellent – so do I want to sit with my Hamilton loving family to experience their joy as well as my own? Or do I want to be close enough to catch actor sweat? And if we split the good seat, do I want to have it for Lafayette or Jefferson? #Hamiltonproblems!)
Yeah, my sister and I are two rows apart (though otherwise near each other), but since we’re in the 3rd and 5th rows, I think I’m going to be fine either way. So excited!!!
Welcome to Hamiltoast. We have been waiting.
This week I met figwiggin! We went to a letterpress festival at the local used cat-having bookstore, which may have been one of the toastiest things we could possibly do. I got postcards for my toastpost pals, so those should be coming soon.
Also I ordered this dress with vegetables on it and I can’t wait.
We had new piglets born last week, and there are new baby chicks, and there was a new lamb on Wednesday morning.
AND I played D&D for the first time. I was trying to decide who I’d play my character as, because I have a severely limited imagination so I was going to pick some other fictional character to guide my decisions. I was trying to choose between Burr (because I always want to be a ranged weapon and I feel confident A.Ham would be a melee fighter), Angelica, or Leela from Futurama.
Then I got my character sheet (which I did not really realize would be so descriptive).
So, I’m Hamilton after all.
Tell me your stories of overcoming shyness as a D&D noob!
Hooray for getting into DnD!!!! 5th edition is a lot of fun, you get to be very creative and use your imagination a lot more than some of the other versions, plus you get rewarded for interesting problem solving and being true to what your character would do! Don’t be afraid to take a risk, remember you can always roll up another character!
I play Numenera rather than DnD, which our GM describes as “Being like DnD except all the magic is science and there’s less math.” I was nervous playing with a bunch of guys, only one I knew, but they are all lovely humans and none of us take it too seriously so usually we laugh a lot during the game. So basically: Have fun!
My suggestions: Ask questions about your surroundings and do take chances. Also, I started listing to The Adventure Zone podcast (A trio of funny brothers and their dad play DnD and record it and it’s hilarious) and listening to others play DnD actually made me better at my RPG. I ask more questions, do more checks, and I’m more thoughtful about character development. (Plus the podcast is pretty funny once it gets started. I got my GM addicted and now he’s borrowing elements from the show like Fantasy CostCo to bring into our game.)
I just finished the most recent episode of The Adventure Zone on the bus this morning! I love Griffin’s ongoing vendetta against people who tried to tell him there can’t be elevators in DnD.
OK, this sounds awesome.
It’s my first real intro to DnD – they’re pretty casual about rules etc., which I appreciate because it’s a comedy podcast, but there’s still enough structure that they’re not just doing whatever they want whenever they want. (Also as a family they’re fucking adorable – they’ll rag on each other all the time, but also make sure to take time to tell the DM that he’s doing a good job). And there’s lots of swearing and the characters are jerks a lot of the time but in a funny way.
It is! The story telling is great, it’s really funny, and it’s made me a better RPG player. I highly recommend it. (And there are elevators and when the DM was told he couldn’t have elevators in D&D he went out of his way to have more elevators and it’s pretty great.)
I listened to it last yesterday afternoon while on a walk and got strange looks from drivers as I laughed like a maniac. I also love the way Griffin just doubles down when people tell him he can’t do something–like the elevator museum a few episodes back.
Also what’s-his-name the terrifying living clown elevator – possibly the most legit unsettling thing in the entire podcast?
I believe you mean Upsy Your Elevator Friend, who is absolutely unsettling–especially when he says, “Get in my tum-tum” with that happy, yet disturbing voice of his.
That’s him! Nightmares forever.
Drunks and Dragons is also a fun one. It starts off a little rough because everyone’s a noob, even the DM, but once they get more used to the mechanics and to roleplaying in general, it’s really funny and entertaining.
Ooh, I’ll have to check that out. I need more podcasts!
YES, I love this one. I have cry-laughed on a crowded subway many a time while listening to this.
I would say: don’t be afraid to do something that makes sense for your character’s personality/motivation even if it makes things more “difficult” for the party. E.g., is your character an overconfident showboat? Then maybe they’ll try to pull off a flashy, unnecessarily difficult move in combat. They will probably fail, but it will be entertaining! And if they succeed, it’ll be AWESOME!
I have no advice, but I’m gonna be camping out in this thread, because I too recently started playing DnD and am flailing wildly. I am someone who never actually speaks out loud in the normal course of events. For some reason I built my character around charisma-based skills, and our DM is generously giving me plenty of opportunities to use them, and I may die.
Oh wow do I miss tabletop RPGs. Have fun! Also a teensy bit jealous at meeting figwiggin! And hurray baby animals! Eeee! Little baby bacons!
That dress is wonderful! (And that character sheet is very Hamilton.)
Yep, I came in here to fawn over that dress. My husband is the D&Der in my relationship so I’ve got nothin’ on that part.
I think your idea of using an existing character as your personality model is a really good one! The thing I struggle with most in D&D is making the decisions my character would make instead of the decisions I would make, especially toward the beginning of a game where I haven’t really nailed down my character’s personality yet. Those personality and background notes built into the D&D 5e sheet make this a lot easier, and so does having a real person or character in mind as a model.
As far as overcoming shyness… it took me a long time to really come into my own as a roleplayer (as opposed to just going along with whoever stepped into the “party leader” role). The things that helped me most in doing that were playing a character who had very different interests and ideas than the rest of the party, so it made sense to be more outspoken, and playing some storytelling games where the players take a more active role in setting scenes and creating the game world rather than deferring to the GM.
As kids, there was one specific type of cake from a specific bakery that our parents tended to get for us. We called it the Viking Cake. One year my brother tried eating the cake and decided he didn’t really like it, so the next year our parents weren’t going to buy it for him. He found out and begged. He would totally eat this cake!
They got it for him, and he once again realized he didn’t like it.
Our parents made a sign that said something like, “I don’t like Viking Cake because I’m too sweet already” and made my brother hold it while taking a picture of him. For future proof. (He was, like, five at the time.)
Omg, this is just… who cannot relate. Who has not eaten more than one meal at McDonald’s. This is real life. A good idea.
This is adorable
I want to thank everyone who sent good wishes and cute pics for my dog last week. Her tumor is benign, Lorelei is cancer-free! To celebrate, here is a picture of her looking like a Queen in a Takashi Murakami t-shirt, refusing to play by sitting inexplicably on a chair smack in the middle of the yard.
Fantastic news!! And SUCH a fantastic puppy! I love 100% of the things that are happening in that picture.
this picture is incredible, congrats
Hooray for a fantastic and healthy dog, and also for taking an INCREDIBLE photo.
I can’t in good conscience take credit for the pic, Husband took it 🙂 <3
HOORAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YESSSSS! WHO’S A HEALTHY GIRL?!
D’awwwww!
I’m so glad to hear she has a clean bill of health. She looks like a very dignified Elizabethan sitting on a throne. Scritches for her, if she would like them.
YAY LORELEI! I’m in love with her beautiful pittie face.
what good news! I’m so glad for you guys!!!
My heart! What a sweetie!
Oh ALSO tweet me your cards (sent or received) because I love seeing what awesome cards you find or create for each other – @ToastiePost! I also love all your thank you emails/tweets, I’m really glad to hear people are enjoying this!
Hi y’all, I’m sick and I’m at work anyway, even though I could’ve taken the day off. [shrugs] (Background: I have depression and lemme tell you, I would much rather come into the office while physically sick than use up those sick days I save for Bad Brain Days)
In other news, 2016 has been my year of learning to cook and it’s been going well so far. I’ve unofficially adopted a pescatarian diet which adds a certain spice to the experience. Last night I made damn good fried cod. It was so easy that I felt bad it isn’t Lent anymore. Give me alllll the fish to fry. I’ve had somewhat less success with slow-cooker dishes even though that’s my favorite way to cook.
Please hit me with your cooking stories, or, special call for any protein-heavy vegetarian recipes you liked.
Socca/farinata is super easy to make, though you will have to track down chickpea flour: http://cooking.nytimes.com/recipes/1014757-socca-… (best bet is an Indian grocery store, where it’ll be labeled “besan”)
Once you find that chickpea flour (my whole foods caries it) you can also make chickpea tofu and then this delicious Burmese tofu salad. It’s easier (and tastier) than it sounds! http://www.girlcooksworld.com/2013/03/burmese-chi…
I have been lusting for AGES after the cookbook 660 Curries and I’ve heard very good things about it recently from a new IRL friend. I am not sure but I assume that a good portion of the 660 curries are vegetarian.
Oof, Toasties. It’s been a very rough week. I could use hugs.
All the hugs for you!!!! *hugs*
Here are some Toast Hugs!
Hugs! So many hugs!
I am sending you as many internet hugs as I can!
sending all the hugs your way!
Internet cuddles being floated your way! I hope things get better.
*hugs*
*adding hugs to the queue*
I’m so sorry that things are rough right now.
Books post!
Yesterday I turned 22 and my challenge for the next year of my life is that I’m going to try and read 365 books by women in the next 365 days. I have 363 left to go. If you are interested, follow along here: http://readwomen365.tumblr.com/
Damn. Reading an entire book cover to cover every single day?
That sounds… awesome.
Happy Birthday!
Thank you! I’m a fast reader so it takes up less time than you would think. I’ve really dropped off reading for fun while I’ve been in college, and I’m sure grad school will be even harder, but I’m going to try and stick with it.
Whoa, that sounds like the marathon of book reading! Good luck!
That sounds like an AMAZING challenge and we will definitely follow along!
You guys, this right here has made my week:
http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/what-if-musical-th…
Also, I am super excited because we have an appointment next week with the lady who is making my engagement ringggggg!!!!!!!!! I am so excited. I hate wearing rings but I love her stuff so I know it’s going to be beautiful and I’m never going to want to take it off.
Who’s up for an antiperspirant/deodorant discussion? Are you pro-antiperspirant? Anti-antiperspirant? Does antiperspirant not work for you*? Are you happy with your current pit-care regimen?? DO YOU MAKE YOUR OWN DEODORANT? HAVE YOU ASCENDED TO A HIGHER, NO-SWEAT PLANE OF EXISTENCE? IS SMELLY SWEAT THE LEAST OF YOUR OLFACTORY WORRIES BECAUSE YOU ARE ACTUALLY THREE ALL-HANDS NO-FEET TRASH-CATS USING A KEYBOARD?
Let’s discuss.
*I heard about this from a comedy sketch recently, is it actually a thing?
Used to be pro-antiperspirant, until I realized all of my shirts had pitstains and so I’ve switched to mostly deodorant and resigned myself to swamp pits in the summer.
Yeah, that was my reasoning, too. I miss feeling dry, but I do not miss ruining shirts when my sweat and the antiperspirant interact with each other.
I’m using Tom’s of Maine (alternating between the woods one and the lemon grass). The “24-hour” label is a lie. If I want to be non-stinky, I need to reapply after about 6 hours.
I use the strongest shit I can find because as soon that body odor gets into your shirt you are piss out of luck!
I can’t use antiperspirant because it clogs up the sweat glands in my armpits and they get all infected and absolutely disgusting. I’m not talking like, ingrown hair type of small whiteheads, these are more like boils. And yes, they do eventually erupt. I’ve finally settled on the mineral salt deodorants, which keep me smelling just fine and don’t clog anything up.
Ooh! Me too! I switched to gels for awhile (which was great because unisex & unscented!), but then my skin got really dry which wasn’t great either. Now I’m using a roll-on which is going pretty well (Sure, in case anyone cares), but is still kind of residue-leaving. I’d consider a deodorant but I sweat buckets and I hate the feeling of underarm sweat running down my sides.
I am anti-antiperspirant, pro-deodorant. Antiperspirants stain my white clothes and leave white shit all over my dark clothes, and they don’t even stop my sweating noticeably more than deodorant, so they’re lose-lose-lose for me.
My favorite deodorant is Old Spice Swagger (come at me bro). It smells nice and it lasts all day. I’m currently working through a stick of Brut that my brother gave to me because he didn’t like it. Now I see why he didn’t like it. It doesn’t even last four hours! But I don’t want to throw it away because that’s wasteful.
Back in college (several years ago now) I read some website that suggested antiperspirant might contribute to developing Alzheimer’s, and that in any case it contributed to pit stains (that is, the chemical combo of sweat + antiperspirant caused worse stains than just sweat), and that if you stopped using it your bodily chemistry would regulate or something and everything would be better for you. So I did quit using it for a while, and, uh, it was fine on cooler days, but holy shit, that was a FOUL few weeks overall. I was astounded and disgusted by my own stank.
(I should note that I also wasn’t using any deodorant during that time, because again, the whole idea was that my body would eventually Cleanse Itself)
I am obsessed with the Malin + Goetz deodorant. It’s not technically an antiperspirant but does seem to do a little of that. It is $18, which, I know, but it lasts a really long time and I love it.
I… think I use a combo? I definitely need deodorant. I am one of those extremely smelly sweat people. I am having good luck lately with Degree Men’s 48-hour invisible solid (for black and white clothes, or so it says). I used Old Spice for a long time, but it stopped working, anti-smell-wise. (My theory is that the stinky bacteria eventually evolve around the deodorant, but I have never done any research to see if this could be true.)
Gosh, I need help with this because I can’t find a deodorant that both works for a significant amount of time and doesn’t cause horrible itchiness (I’m looking at you, Tom’s!). I’ve tried every single thing I can buy at my local pharmacy and nothing fulfills these two requirements. Any recs?
Maybe it’s the alcohols that are irritating your skin? I looked up “deodorant” on CosDNA, there were only a few deodorants listed but they all had things like Cetyl Alcohol or Alcohol Denat, which can be problematic.
BEEN THERE. Tom’s gives me the worst rash and it took me a while to realize it wasn’t the scent that was causing it, which is normally my problem.
I’ve been using Herban Cowboy for about a year now and I haven’t had a reaction (miracle of miracles). My husband has been using it too and neither of us has noticed the other being particularly smelly. It’s a little pricey (usually $9ish at Whole Foods), but it works, for us anyway.
I hadn’t thought to look for deodorant in Whole Foods! I’m definitely going to check that out, thank you!
You’re welcome! Whole Foods has become my go to for skincare products. I have suuuuper sensitive skin and for some reason natural/organic/vegan/etc stuff tend to not aggravate my allergies, unlike a lot of the hypoallergenic stuff from the drug store (I’m looking at you Aveeno). Might be the placebo effect, but I’ll take it!
Oh wow, I have sensitive skin too (though not in the armpits thankfully – bring on the industrial strength antiperspirant for me), and I love Whole Foods skincare products, but I just buy Aveeno lotion and it’s great. I wonder what’s in it that irritates you. But there are so many lovely things to try at Whole Foods, and nice makeup too, so enjoy it!
I actually do okay with Aveeno’s hand lotion, but their face stuff and their shampoo (oh geez, the shampoo) make me break out something awful.
The Aveeno calming facewash usually reduces the redness from rosacea for me, but sometimes, for fun, my body remembers chamomile is related to ragweed (allergic!) and freaks OUT. Anyway. Cetaphil from now on.
Tom’s gives me a rash too – I think it’s the pine extract maybe? I love my industrial-strength man deodorant.
Jump back! There’s pine extract in Tom’s? No wonder I react to it. XD
Pretty sure, though it’s been ages and ages since I’ve used it (only had to get that rash once, I tell you what!).
Tom’s failed me miserably also. I like Arm & Hammer Essentials deodorant. It works, it’s cheaper than the Whole Foods stuff, and I can get it at the grocery store. And it is UNscented.
That’s my fav! Though I have found that the unscented sticks smell like froot loops to me.
Have you tired the Trader Joes home brand?
I have found that Kiss My Face stick deodorant works for me, but I went through several other brands before settling on this one. If you haven’t tried it already you could give it a shot. You can usually find it at Whole Foods and similar places – it’s not too obscure.
*If you’re trying more natural deodorants and having a rash, it is most likely baking soda!
Meow Meow Tweet makes an AWESOME grapefruit scented deodorant, all natural and baking soda free. I truly love it, except I wish it came in a stick and not a pot, but it’s really not the end of the world. Also all their soaps come packaged in cute cat paper so I really like them as a company 😉
*Gah, I’m so so late to the OT, as usual… sigh.
I HATE EVERYTHING and need recommendations.
Not a huge fan of being able to smell my deoderant when it’s on me, so I love unscented.
Usually I don’t smell but occasionally my pits sink Real Bad and I can’t figure out why.
One time my pits smelled but I didn’t want to shower so I put some witch hazel and tea tree oil on a cotton pad and that worked like a charm.
I haaaate pit stains.
I like Tom’s unscented roll-on. It’s truly unscented and doesn’t leave marks on my clothes. I do get sweaty pits but not stains.
What is that?! I too am generally only mildly smelly until every once-in-awhile when I smell like I ate an onion the day before. There is a partial time-of-the-month correlation but it isn’t total. So weird.
Well, this is not unscented, but there are some spray deodorants which are pretty much just alcohol and a scent. Whole Foods would probably have them: Weleda is one of the more expensive ones with nicer scents, but I think any basic alcohol/essential oil one would work. Seems like it would be irritating but I haven’t had problems (but you can’t really use it too soon after shaving). I am surprised how well these work, actually. I used to reliably smell up shirts (and the smell LIVED in the shirts so you would immediately smell bad when the shirt got wet), but barely at all now. Though it’s hard to tell how much that is attributable to the fact that I no longer have a high-stress life involving schoolwork, talking to people in class, and talking to people on the phone as a reporter; amazing how little I sweat at my cozy desk job in a tech field!
I had previously tried a great many natural roll-ons with sad results, plus Degree, and Lavilin, which latter item seemed like a great idea but the rubbing of paste into my armpits proved too weird after a time.
I used deoderant without aluminium for a while, and then stopped using it I because I felt like it made me smell even more. I now use the regular deo with aluminium again, and I feel so ALIVE.
Kind of gross story about pits’n’sweating: A couple of years ago, my sister and I were shopping in a thrift shop. I wanted to buy a blazer and selected several to try on. I was about to try on the prettiest of them, and noticed that there was something sticking to the part where your armpits go, as if to prevent stains. This something was a panty liner on each side.
Haha eww, was it an old sweaty pantyliner? Or just something the store people had put in there? I guess it’s kind of a smart idea. I once bought a cotton blouse (at Walmart of all places) and when I wore it the first day and my body started warming up, it STANK of body odor (not mine)! When I washed it the first time, a line formed around the armpits where another person’s sweat had been, eww! I don’t know if that was from trying it on in the store (and sweating profusely) or if they had bought it, worn it and returned it. Oh well, you get what you pay for at Walmart. It was fine after I washed it.
It was definitely put there by the person who had once owned the blazer – I told the shop assistants about it, and they were properly shocked. And I was a bit shocked they hadn’t noticed it before, because the store was otherwise very well organized.
Yeah, it’s actually a good idea, especially since panty liners are cheaper than actual underarm liners, but how can you forget to pull them off before donating your clothes??
We have been using the exact same brand of anti-perspirant for 30 years now and they may have stopped making it so we got a big package of it from Amazon to delay the inevitable need to make a new decision.
Here for this thread! I did a round of DrySol last year, but am not very good at remembering daily things, so it kinda fell apart there. I’m thinking of investing in the Botox injections to stop sweat, but I don’t even know how much that costs…. Maybe I’ll go back to DrySol for another attempt.
In the meantime, I just use scent-free clear gel deodorants from the drugstore because I’m not good at choosing stuff, but now I’m going to go investigate a lot of the brands suggested.
Oh man, I did several courses of DrySol when I was younger, for hyperhidrosis in my hands. That stuff was ROUGH. I still have intense memories of putting it on at night, then putting rubber gloves on so it wouldn’t wipe off, then waking up the next morning with my hands on FIRE from heat rash. So, so painful. My pits weren’t as bad, sweat production-wise, but I had the stuff anyway so I figured I might as well use it for them, too; that wasn’t awful at all, but I also got bad at remembering the routine and tapered it off due to laziness.
I don’t know where I was going with that. My hands still sweat a lot, but I will concede that it’s better now, so maybe there was something to it in the end. For my pits, I use the same Arm & Hammer combo antiperspirant/deodorant that I’ve used for a million years because it’s one of the cheaper options at Safeway, it’s unscented, my husband and I can both use it, and it works well.
I am pro-antiperspirant because I haven’t noticed a problem with pit stains on my clothing and also we Americans built our national capital on a damned swamp (and I am located there; I guess that is relevant) so I am not even about to play around with my sweat management.
I’ve been using Arm & Hammer Unscented Deodorant for years now and it works almost perfectly. I dread the day age or the ravages of daily life make my body chemistry change and I’ll have to go out on the deodorant hunt again.
This is serendipitous – I just got a tiny travel size of the Lavanila “Healthy Deodorant” yesterday, largely because it’s aluminum-free. I’m sick of losing my good work shirts to pit stains.
Have you tried oxyclean for pit stains? I haven’t used it on any fancy shirts, but it definitely helped my lighter-colored gym tees.
I have not, but I’ll try it on my gym clothes first and see how that goes! Thanks.
I use the powder stuff that comes in a big tub. When treating my gym shirts, I mixed some of the powder with water to make a paste, then caked it on the stains. I can’t remember how long I let it sit like that–maybe till it dried? Then I mixed up some water with more oxyclean in it and soaked the shirts some more. I’m not sure if you’ll have to do this a couple times to get rid of the stain, but you should definitely see a difference after the first treatment.
Oh, excellent, thank you for the step-by-step! You’ve saved me from what would undoubtedly have been several minutes of head-scratching in front of the laundry machines before giving up and consulting YouTube.
(I am not the greatest at household things.)
No problem! I’m am also filled with household ineptitude. For the longest time I was convinced that pit stains were just going to have a place in my life because stain-removal products were made of lies and empty promises. (Part of this certainty is due to my own mother’s ineptness–if she can’t get pit stains out, I reasoned, it obviously can’t be done!) I can’t remember what convinced me to try oxyclean, but I was terribly surprised when it worked.
I’ve used OxyClean on my work shirts to get rid of pit stains and it fucking WORKS IT IS A MIRACLE.
Basically, mix a bit of water into some OxyClean to make a paste of sorts, then scrub that on the pit stains for a minute or so. I usually fill up a bucket with some OxyClean + water and soak the shirts for a while, as well. Then I toss them in with a regular load of laundry and run them through. POOF NO MORE STAINS.
i am generally anti-antiperspirant since, last century, there were all kinds of rumors about some active ingredients causing cancer alzheimers. i sometimes use it on meeting days, but since my clients don’t need me to pretend to be business attire all the time, i have an anti in the cabinet and only use it rarely. and the thing is, it doesn’t fully prevent sweating for me, so it’s more of a good luck totem than anything else.
however, i don’t like stick deodorant. it doesn’t really work and i don’t get the idea of smearing a scented gel substance on a sweat area. i’ve bought many with hopes, and given up on them.
what’s worked for me is crystal rock paired with scented body spray. people say the rock doesn’t work, but i find you have to put it on for a good 30 seconds to get enough of the salt dissolved on you. then, scented body spray adds a scent but also adds an alcohol-based liquid that helps prevent bacteria that creates odor. this works for me, and other than that, i have accepted that i sweat and try to look on the bright side: my pores are excellent at expelling toxins!
My boyfriend does what you do and it seems to work for him. I mean, I’VE never thought he smelled, but it could just be all of those ~love pheromones~ talking.
Crystal rock, what? Like just a big chunk of quartz?
i really wish i could come back and say that, yes, holding a quartz to my underarm for 30 seconds imparts a magic deodorant spell, but it’s actually a product that’s been around so long i don’t even know if they still call it the crystal rock. i guess it’s just the crystal now?
http://www.thecrystal.com
anyway, it’s a mineral salt formed into a clear solid salt crystal that you wet with water and rub on your underarms to impart a dissolved patina. it will take forever for you to even notice the thing is melting [and by that i mean years], which is why i do it for awhile as opposed to a few swipes, and which is why i think some people aren’t getting the full effects.
Well you did say that people say the rock doesn’t work, so I can kind of believe people might say that if it was a chunk of quartz and they weren’t as witches as you are.
Did you ever lick it? I would totally want to lick it. Is it like those salt lamps? Oh wait, now I’m looking at it and it just looks like a regular deodorant. I wouldn’t lick that. I would lick a salt lamp though, and/or a chunk of quartz if it was salty. But maybe not after it had been in my armpit.
when i went to the site i saw they now make roll-on, but what i have is actually a salt crystal that was rounded, and inserted in a clear plastic holder like a giant lipstick tube. and you know … i’ve never licked it!
Oh look, you can get a Sport Rock! Which really does look like a chunk of crystal. That is so witches. http://store.thecrystal.com/sport-rock-deodorant-…
But it’s potassium alum, not sodium chloride like table salt (or like those Himalayan salt lamps that I want to lick). Still, if it was me I would still lick it, because I’m weird like that. I may have find me one of these rocks. And I’m always keen on a good antiperspirant.
Oh, but ouch, does it hurt like thunder after you’ve shaved, if you shave your armpits? That could literally be rubbing salt in the wound if you happened to nick yourself.
Related: just because it’s salt doesn’t mean it’s Salt Salt and you will be sad if you lick it.
Also a Crystal Rock user! But I infinitely prefer their rollerball deodorant, and I have found that you have to let it dry completely, or it will simply rub off onto your shirt or bra or whatever. I do get a little bit stinky if I’m doing a crazy hard workout, but *everyone* is gross at that point, so *meh*. It’s worth it.
Pro-antiperspirant because one of Wellbutrin’s side effects for me is that it makes me sweat buckets out of the armpits and I got sick of not wearing pastel shirts and/or using itchy “garment shields.” As of this week I’ve actually switched to using men’s antiperspirant, because it’s as good or better than women’s plus it’s cheaper.
IS THAT REALLY A WELLBUTRIN SIDE EFFECT.
I’ve been on it for a while now, so I hope I’d notice if that was a side effect for me, but I’m a heavy sweater anyway, so who knows.
Yeah, I don’t think it’s one of the more common ones? But at some point in the last 3-4 years since I started taking Wellbutrin, I started sweating way more for certain. Then a couple weeks ago I was looking at the Wellbutrin side effects list, and I was like, THAT EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
(Oh, hey. Um… would you like some wellbutrin? my dr. filled out a new prescription for 90 days worth and sent it to my mail order place and then decided to switch me to a different medicine, and it was too late to cancel the order, and they won’t take it back. Ditto zoloft, anyone?)
I stopped wearing anti-perspirant a few years ago and simultaneously stopped having terrible yellow stains ruining the armpits on every shirt I owned.
Now I use unscented Tom’s of Maine deodorant or baby powered or nothing, and everything is fine. But I make sure to smell my shirts at night, and put them in the wash if they smell like me. And to wash my pits.
I’m very pit-sweaty due to nervousness in social situations and am pro antiperspirant as a result. I started using Certain Dri years ago and it’s been great. First usages are extremely itchy – you put in on at night – but my body adjusted and now I use it twice a week for maintenance. As summer heat and humidity start ramping up, I’ll apply every other night.
Yeah, I have hyperhidrosis. I admire women who can ditch the antiperspirant, but I am not one of them. I like that Certain Dri has a solid version now, because it itches much less than the liquid. I use their “daytime” version when traveling, too, and it is nicely unscented but effective.
I just started using it and it is basically a godsend. I tend to sweat easily, ESPECIALLY if I am at all nervous or stressed, which is 90% of the time. At first I was hesitant to use an antiperspirant because I had heard many Bad Things, but also I was ruining a lot of shirts by sweating through them. Since I’ve been using this, no crazy pit stains.
I’ve been making my own deodorant for a few years now, and I am very very happy with it.
You will still sweat, but there will be no pit stains and you will not stink at all.
I use Wellness Mama’s coconut oil recipe:
3 tbs coconut oil
2 tbs baking soda
2 tbs arrowroot powder (Got this on amazon)
I mush it all up in a small jar until everything is blended well. Coconut oil melts at ~77F, which is not usually a problem where I live, but if you live in a hot area you might want to keep it in a fridge or explore shea butter based recipes.
How do you put it on? Just dab a bit on your fingers and rub it in like lotion?
Yep! I would estimate I use about a pea size tab for each underarm. Each 7tbs batch ends up lasting 4-5 months.
I’ve recently found out that any gel-based type just Does Not Stick With Me. Maybe these are all deodorants and not anti-antiperspirants? I never pay enough attention. I should be ride-or-die Degree for Men, but I’m a cheapskate soooo that doesn’t always happen
In the morning, I use either Soapwalla or Schmidt’s: http://www.amazon.com/Schmidts-Deodorant-Bergamot…
Both of those work well. In a pinch I use Tom’s, but then I have to make sure to spray myself throughout the day–I make my own spray-on deodorant by mixing grain alcohol with a few drops of essential oil (I like eucalyptus and lavender).
Thank you for this thread! Dove discontinued my favorite deodorant/antiperspirant fragrance (Wild Rose). And I had stronger feelings about this than I realized. I don’t smell like me anymore! I had been using that particular one for so long that it got to just be what *I* smell like. And now I feel like a stranger to myself. Also, the new formula is just not as effective (nourishing, not just for armpit smells) as the old one. I still look for it, even though I know it wont’ be there 🙁
The arm and hammer deodorant (w/o anti antiperspirant) is the most effective I’ve tried. I get sweaty either way, so I’d prefer not to have stains on my clothes.
I feel for people who can’t use anti-perspirant due to medical issues, but the people I’ve known who just “don’t think they need it” are living in a fantasy world. A smelly, sweaty fantasy world.
(I’m partial to the Dove “invisible solid” anti-perspirant for sensitive skin, and I’ve never had any issues with clothing stains, rashes, etc.)
Aaaah… but I *really* don’t need it! 🙂
The only time my sweat gets stinky is if I am sick or eat nothing but junk food or garlic soup for several days running. When that happens, I rub a lemon slice on my pits and start eating more greens.
If I don’t get rid of the dead bacteria or bacterial secretions or whatever it is that lurks on clothes and reactivates its stink when the fabric gets damp, then sweating absolutely leads to stinkiness. But it’s not the sweat that’s stinky then – straight water would have the same effect. And that’s easily avoided by showering daily with antibacterial soap and using a pre-wash enzymatic sweat stain remover on clothes that need it. I save money not buying deodorant and antiperspirant, but get through a few bottles of this stuff a year: http://www.amazon.com/Carbona-Stain-Devils-Rust-P…
That said, my body is rubbish at thermoregulation so I don’t sweat enough when it’s warm, which can be super annoying and may also explain my no deodorant, no antiperspirant stance.
I feel like antiperspirant doesn’t work for me – I put in on every day but still sweat loads. It is infuriating.
Tomorrow is my birthday, and my partner baked a cheesecake!
Also, as of today I’ve been in my current job for a year and I still like it. Until recently, this is not something I would have considered possible.
I’m extra excited for O.T. today because I’ve been thinking about a discussion topic all week that I wanted to see if anyone wanted to share their opinion on. (Will try and keep it short in the original post…)
I’ve been thinking a lot this week about Public Guilt and (Crime) News Stories. What makes us believe certain people’s innocence and not others?
I ask because — in the last year or two, there’s been a lot of big stories to go viral where there is debate about the accused’s innocence or guilt. I think Making a Murderer is probably the biggest, recent example. The reason this came up to me this week is because I’m (FINALLY, sorry) listening to season one of Serial the Podcast, and getting involved in Adnan Syed’s story. I also loved watching the Jinx about Robert Durst last year. Each of these stories has been a really big discussion topic for my friends and I — and we tend to have different views of each story, whose innnoence we believe, whose we doubt, whose we waffle on.
For me, this topic goes back a few years to around the time of Amanda Knox and also Casey Anthony — I was younger and more naive then, and would maybe reconsider my opinions today if I were asked my serious opinion — but at the time, I remember thinking Amanda Knox seemed (key word) innocent and Casey Anthony seemed guilty. And yet — I didn’t sit on either jury, so I really can’t say. They both had pretty damning evidence in at least some respects.
So it’s a topic I’ve thought about for years. I know media basis/spin has a huge part to do with it — Steve Avery alone is a huge example of this — both the initial negative media spin in his local news channels, and then the big momentum of MaM reversing some of those opinions. I also think the medium through which these stories are presented has something to do with it — documentary versus podcast versus newscast versus book — however you learn about it, however you get to actually SEE people’s expressions as they speak versus just hearing/
Anyway — this may not be interesting to anyone but me, but I love discussing crime stories and I like to have a fairly unbiased opinion as I consider what and whom to believe — so if anyone else feels like diving in, let’s go for it!!
I love this topic, and will follow it!
Ooooh! Also interested! I don’t have anything of import to add though. I just wonder the same things. What makes us think one is innocent and another is not? For me, the basic difference between Anthony and Knox were the crimes themselves. Anthony: involved a child, Knox: no children. That was probably a big factor in my head. Steven Avery…. damn. I still don’t know. I cannot say he was innocent but my god were things stacked against him. All I know for sure is that poor Brendan didn’t do anything- he was obviously coerced and now gets to live his entire adult life in prison.
I’m thinking, now, that maybe a big component of it is how much subterfuge there is, and is later uncovered?
Thinking about Casey Anthony (and again, it’s been a while since I’ve read anything on this story, pardon me if I’m off in my facts) — there was a good deal of uncovering her lies about what happened, when her girl disappeared, where she was, etc. Whereas with semi-concurrent Amanda Knox — she was pretty upfront from the get-go — admitted to some societally disapproved things like smoking pot with her BF, etc. So in these cases, you have someone who is covering things up from the get-go, versus someone who admits less tasteful (to some) things from the get go in order to prove she has nothing to hide.
Moving into the more current stores/documentaries, I think Steve Avery (at least according to MaM) was pretty up front with people all along, in both his original conviction and this latest one. He may have downplayed the severity of things like accosting the sheriff’s wife (his cousin?) on the road, or the cat thing — not grade A, awesome person behavior — but he didn’t try and convince people they didn’t happen. Whereas with the Manitowoc police force — there were a lot of things they hide or tried to cover up. That makes us, as the viewers, more like to trust Steve Avery, even if he can be kind of a crass person, and mistrust the police force/law — because we know they were trying to alter time lines and discovery.
Same with Robert Durst — he was caught in a ton of lies about his first wife’s disappearance, from where he was to when he spoke to her last, to having a drink with his neighbor. That sets you up to mistrust him as well.
As for Serial/Adnan Syed — I’ve still got a couple episodes before I finish Season One, and I’m trying to reserve judgment until I finish the series and get all information available. I WILL say — I’m having a much harder time with this one than the other examples above. I don’t know, maybe it’s because there’s just a lack of concrete evidence one way or the other? You have minimal physical evidence, and are largely relying on the testimony of one person — who, to many, was very believable and sympathetic, so I’m not immediately discounting him. BUT he (Jay) WAS caught in a few lies/untruths — so that makes it hard to accept his story completely — and yet Adnan has few concrete excuses himself — so I’m having a hard time trying to decide which way I believe, at all.
I heard an interesting thing where someone said they felt like the OJ simpson case created the first really public legal case of people picking their own facts to support their sides. The person said it sort of traces all the way forward to how there are a lot of people who believe there’s science to deny climate change.
I think whats interesting to me in all these cases is how many blank spaces there are, and how much we want to fill them in. We don’t really know anything really. We know a short list of things that seem to correlate, but correlation is not causation, right?
Durst is weird, but unless we find his wife’s body, there’s not good proof. I’m mean I’m pretty sure he killed her and Susan, but its not like there will ever be video. Avery, there’s something that happened in or around his property, but again, there’s nothing really that gives a conclusion, we know someone went missing and we think we know that her bones are found, but…really what else do we know?
I think it’s interesting to me how quickly people want to jump around from how people ACT. Like, he seems wierd/guilty, she seems nice/innocent. As if that’s how it works. In serial they talk about how innocent people are the worst witnesses, they can’t explain why they look guilty at all or remember much about crimes. I think the best way to really understand a case would be to have transcript summaries of just the factual case and the claims each person made, with no graduation in tone, no accents, nothing. Like if robots stood in for all people in a case. I think then people would focus on content over delivery.
Yeah, OJ is another great example — especially with recent The People Versus OJ Simpson.
The blank spaces drives me crazy too. On so many of these stories, we just will never know.
I’m listening to Serial this afternoon, and yes, she’s touching on some topics you mentioned — how people are perceived. The rumors episode, how some people saw one anecdote as positive for Adnan, and others saw it negatively — that made me think, you know — just whether or not you like someone as a person colors your interpretation of their actions. No two people see the same scenario/fight/interaction the same way.
I guess it really drives home how unreliable eye witnesses are. This came up in the first Avery conviction in MaM — I forget her name right now, forgive me, but his accuser was CERTAIN it was him, and yet DNA cleared him. It reminds me of another book I’m working on, Picking Cotton, where a black man was ID’d by a white woman as her rapist, and she was CERTAIN it was him — and years later, DNA cleared him.
Eyewitness testimony is a huge mess.
It was interesting to me that the DNA guy in the OJ trial went on to found the Innocence Project. Given that DNA should have been what convicted OJ.
Blank spaces though, you know? We know only that someone goes missing and their body turns up. We know that there are people related to that person, or people passing through the area that the person was found in, and then the police just try to narrow in on a narrative of what they think happened and try and get it solved expediently. It’s not acceptable to say, “this person is dead and we don’t really know who did it and how and why and when.”
Like with Serial, it’s just so sad. Its so sad what happened, and its so unclear who did what, and it certainly seems to me like at very least Jay knew something, because he knew where the car was, but beyond that I’d say the rest of it is completely unknowable unless someone talks, and to me that makes it crazy that adnan has been in jail. If jay isn’t in jail I don’t see how adnan can be. Regardless of if he did it.
I wouldn’t say the partisanship is a recent thing. Going to trials used to be a main form of entertainment in the days before TV and radio (etc.), and there was a ton of coverage of trials in the popular press. (For instance, the Dr. Crippen case, ca. 1910). Public opinion was often pretty strongly divided.
Maybe what the person meant was that now we think of “evidence” as more unimpeachable, even though we know it’s flawed? People couldn’t necessarily believe that they knew everything, and now everyone in the audience feels like they’re smart enough to pick which expert to side with?
I dunno, I’m speaking for someone on a podcast and what she had to say, but it stuck in my brain, the idea that this current trend towards your guess of guilt or not guilt is a thing that can be absolutely determined by the armchair slueths, which I don’t really believe.
Re: Amanda Knox, one huge factor is that the total incompetence of the Italian justice system is pretty well-known internationally. I mean, we have plenty of problems here in the US, but it’s REALLY staggering there.
Also, some of the initial allegations made against her by the Italian prosecutors (that the murder was part of some kind of Satanic ritual sex play, etc.) were just completely outlandish on their face.
The only case I know anything about is Amanda Knox. I got obsessed with it a couple of years ago, when she was re-convicted after having been exonerated and released. In her case, I think she was really demonstrably innocent, based on the physical evidence. There was a LOT of evidence in the room where the murder was committed – DNA, blood spatter, handprints, etc. – and it all pointed to a burglar named Rudy Guede. There was no evidence that Knox or Sollecito were in the room at all, and with a crime scene that messy, there’s no way they could have participated without leaving some trace of themselves.
And even leaving aside the physical evidence, any scenario where Knox and Sollecito teamed up with Guede to commit a murder seems absurdly complicated and farfetched. The simple explanation is that Guede broke into the apartment, Meredith Kercher came home unexpectedly, and he killed her. The complicated explanation is that Knox and Sollecito, two students with clean records and no history of violence, met, started dating, and a week later teamed up with a burglar Knox had met once in order to murder Knox’s roommate in her apartment.
If the police had had Guede to start with, I don’t think they ever would have gone after Knox. But Guede had fled town, and the DNA evidence hadn’t come in yet, so the police went after the two people who were on the scene. By the time they caught Guede, they’d already announced publicly that Knox was the murderer, so they had to work her into their scenario somehow.
Hi Toasties. Delurking for the first time in a while to get something off my chest.
I’m in a relatively intense grad/professional school program.Yesterday I found out that one of my friends, a student in the cohort a year ahead of me, had committed suicide, and I’m completely stunned. I last saw him less than a week ago. We talked about an awful exam that I have coming up, and he gave me advice, and we went on our separate ways, and that was it. Now I can’t stop thinking about how much torment he must have been in, and how none of us could tell, and it breaks my heart.
This is the second student death in our program in less than a year, and the fourth death in about 10 years. We’ve been trying to make changes to prevent this from happening and promote openness and discussion of mental health issues, but it’s been a slow process. There’s a very pervasive mindset in our field that you should always maintain a facade of near-perfection, that you shouldn’t let others know that you are feeling vulnerable and struggling, and people lose their lives because of this. 🙁 My friend and the student who died last year were both young for their level (as in, they were several years younger than the other students in their cohort) as well as minorities (but belonging to minority groups, that, in my experience as a WOC at this program, don’t really get as much support because we belong to minorities not considered to be “unrepresented” in our field), and I’m wondering if these factors contributed to whatever struggles they had.
On a more lighthearted note, I discovered that a very good way to get your rowmates to leave you alone on a flight is to read a pathology textbook, preferably one with color pictures.
Hi tahi, all my sympathies are with you right now. I had a similar experience my first year and it was extremely painful for the students and faculty. I don’t have any advice, just wanted to say that from someone who has gone through something similar, I sincerely hope you find strength and support within your program and outside of it. Be kind to yourself.
I’m sorry.
At my undergrad school, we have a suicide epidemic, and last year I lost a friend to it. I don’t think a semester has gone by that no one has died, and it is really devastating. With my friend, likewise, no one had any idea he was suicidal until we found out that he was gone.
It’s awful and so sad and I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Let me know if you need any support.
While I was preparing for my English test two weeks ago, I listened to BBC2 and heard this song and I certainly wouldn’t want to deprive my dear Toasties of it.
Edit: Here is the link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0WGVgfjnLqc
Thank you all so much for your good wishes for my breast reduction last week! I’m one week out and doing pretty darn well. Looking forward to this time next month, when I’m feeling even better. One of my IBTC besties is taking me on a shopping spree for new underthings and swimsuits at the end of June, and I’m SO EXCITED. All the cheap and beautiful things for my new tiny chest!
Woot! I’m so beyond thrilled for you! The healing really speeds up from this point on- three months in and you won’t even remember that you had surgery some times.
One thing about buying fancy new underthings and swimsuits: Scars. For me, they were slightly bigger than average and took a lot longer to fade than average. I personally didn’t like seeing them, especially since they are the only scars on my body, so that made me cautious about what kind of fancy and pretty new things I was buying. Obviously you have different scars and will react to them and think about them in a completely different way than I did. But I remember not thinking about it and then feeling unprepared and sad when I went bikini shopping, so I just wanted to put this on the table in case you think it would be something helpful for you to think about beforehand. If not, ignore me!
Oh interesting, thanks for the heads up. Did you do any scar mitigation stuff? I think I’ve come to terms with the idea that there will be some scars – I mean, I hated my breasts before and did everything I could to hide them, and even with scars, I’m hoping the loathing isn’t that strong?
I had it but I was lazy and didnt use it regularly.
I’m sure you will be fine. I definitely didn’t loathe it and having scars is 200000% better than having too big boobs. I just had not thought about the fact that I would have scars, so I was shocked and caught off guard when I was trying things on. But I got over it pretty quickly. Totally on me.
Glad to hear it’s going well!
I hope you continue to feel better and better and that it gives you the results you were hoping for!
I feel like I was emailed a different version of this than is showing here. If you want to chat at all, I am full of things to say, and have literally nothing to do for the next week. I don’t have a great email address to leave, but if you have one, I’ll drop you a note <3
Whoops, yeah, I posted a comment but then didn’t want to, like, take over the thread, especially when the focus should be on you. 🙂
Suffice it to say I’ve been reading all the back discussions on this topic this week as this is something that I’m starting to look into. Sorry for the comment confusion. 🙂
Of course, not a problem. If you ever want to chat about it, the offer stands, I have thoughts, haha.
Congratulations! I’ve been thinking about you, and I’m glad you’re recovering well.
Thank you so much! I think there are a lot of good vibes in the world that are helping me along 🙂
So I’d appreciate some advice about whether I should raise an issue with a friend of mine. Friend has started referring to her parenting on certain days as “single parenting,” as in “I’m a single parent today,” or “Yeah, I’m single parenting today.” The thing is she isn’t a single parent. Her husband works a weird schedule (Tuesday to Saturday with late evenings and late starts), so she definitely has their kid a lot on her own, but…that’s not single parenting. For whatever reason, this has really irked me – she’s appropriating a term for a specific situation that just literally does not apply to her and kind of eliding the ways her situation is a lot easier than a single parent’s (if nothing else, access to her husband’s income as well as her own). I’m trying to decide if I should push back the next time she uses the term, but I’m hesitant because I can’t figure out why it bugs me so much. (Although I know some of my irritation is about money: they both make about twice what I do).
Do it! There’s no use letting it fester and making you think more and more unkind thoughts. Just be like… you know bitch… you might not have that man right now but you do have his salary… so you’re not a single mom. It doesn’t have to be a big thing. That is super annoying btw, I totally agree with you.
Thanks – though I might not phrase it quite like that.
Meh. I’d be annoyed too, if I were you, because yes, single parenting is WAY FUCKING HARDER than being by yourself PART of the day, a few days a week….but at the same time, this may be one of those annoying friend quirks you have to deal with? I mean, I would say speak up if you don’t mind her getting annoyed and possibly arguing/fighting with you, but I also know I have friends who sometimes do some silly/annoying things and it’s just part of their personality. (For the record, I’m certain I have those silly/annoying things about myself too.) If you spend a lot of time with her and generally enjoy her aside from this, it may not be worth the friction.
Thanks. I think I’m to go with the approach suggested above of suggesting an actual single parent might be offended.
That would bug the shit out of me, too. Ho ho ho, just taking care of my kid by myself, I think I will refer to it as though I am a tough and brave and maligned person with no spousal support, haha, psych!
Thank you. I’ll admit that I think I’m largely looking for validation that my reaction isn’t totally weird.
Nope, my sister in law did this for the brief period (like a week or two?) of time that her husband was working nights. Made me nuts.
‘Solo parenting’ is the phrase she is looking for; it is descriptive of the experience and not appropriative. We were once your friend and then realised the error of our ways; I hope she embraces the (IMO) proper term.
I’ve never heard that term! Thanks.
You’re very welcome.
If you are used to dual-parenting, lengthy solo parenting is definitely hard and frustrating, especially because the kids themselves often want things that their other caregiver usually provides. So I definitely have sympathy with your friend needing to vent, or even just explain that she has less free time or less flexibility or whatever because she is flying solo.
But of course that is NOT the same thing as being a full-time single parent, so it is good to have precise language!
I don’t have kids either but I am married to a person who was raised by a single parent and it shaped many things about who he is, good and bad, especially watching his mom struggle so hard to provide a decent life for him without much of an education or safety net. Your friend’s remarks are pretty gross, IMO, and I might personally say something to her if it was me in that situation.
Yeah, my visceral reaction was so strong that I kind of froze to avoid overreacting. But I think I’ll push back if she says it again.
I bet she has a single parent friend who is also reading these facebook posts or hearing her say it, and you can point out that it probably bothers that person to have their experience compared to hers without having to articulate why it bothers YOU. (As in, “hey, I know what you mean, but that must sound pretty awful to your friends who single-parent full time,” not, “hey, I bet this sounds awful to Jane,” of course.)
That’s a really good point and approach to the situation. I don’t think she has any bad intentions, but she clearly doesn’t realize how it would sound to someone else. Thanks.
(Not a single parent) Reading this made me think of when guys with spouses refer to watching their own kids as ‘babysitting’. Not exactly the same situation, but it smacks of a similar type of privilege?
This drives me insane. You’re not babysitting, you’re PARENTING.
Good riddance to this week. Spouse out of town plus epic PMS equals me having no patience with the kids. 🙁
I am not hitting my B+ parenting goal this week.
Hello! I’ve been taking low doses of trazadone and setraline (Zoloft) for just over two weeks now, and it is amazing! I really had no idea just how anxious I was until I wasn’t anymore. I wish I’d started like 20 years ago. I’m sleeping well, enjoying things, and not stuffing my face full of candy for 9 hours a day at work. Suddenly I understand how it is that people cope with life.
Thanks again to all of you who helped me keep my nerve to talk to my doctor about depression, and also I would like to encourage anyone who has been thinking of doing that to go ahead and do it! It was not difficult at all once I got myself to an appointment – all I had to say was “I’d like to talk about depression,” and the Dr. took over from there, asking questions and getting me tissues when I started blubbering all over the office.
I’m going to a psychiatrist for the first time next week (with the encouragement of my therapist), and I’m a little nervous about it, so it helps to hear about it going well!
Good luck! I hope you find something that works for you.
So glad to hear this! And also so glad that your doctor was responsive and attentive and helped you figure out what you needed. 🙂
So glad to hear this.
You did it! Go you!
This makes me want to make an appointment with a psychiatrist even though I’m kind of scared at the idea of medication.
Do it! Of course everyone reacts differently, but I would pretty much classify trazadone as a miracle. I don’t feel foggy or like I’m not myself or anything like that.
I was TERRIFIED of meds, and now couldn’t be happier I’m on them. Let me know if you want to chat more!
Oh, goodness, Toast hugs to you (or awkward shoulder pats if you find even virtual hugs uncomfortable). I remember when I went on antidepressants and they kicked in a suddenly life was manageable, and I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU.
Thanks! I am happy too! What a wonder.
I remember a month or so after I first went on anti-depressants, there was a moment where I was just kind of singing to myself and dancing around for fun – and then I burst into tears, because I realized it was the first time that I’d done that in months. And it was this glorious moment of remembering what it felt like not to be mired in depression. Which is to say: I’m so happy that this is working for you. <3
Hurrah, that is excellent news! I am on sertraline as well, and I am glad to hear it’s working for you.
TATTOO THREAD as I am getting my first one this month and I am excited as fuck!
(It’s going to be of a leopard slug.)
SO AWESOME! They’re addictive!
I think what I want next is a maple leaf tattoo to celebrate my decade in Canada and my new permanent residency. But I have a botanical illustration of a poppy on the top of my foot, so I want an illustration style maple leaf to go along with it, and it’s hard to find something perfect. Either way it will have to wait til after I move, but I really want it!
I literally have wanted a tattoo for years but could never decide on a design that I would want “forever”. Then a friend said “I like looking at my tattoos and remembering what my life was like when I got them” so I gave up trying to figure out what Future Erica might like and booked it the same day. 😛
That is a great philosophy!
Ahh I love that! I wanted one for years and was waiting until I decided what to get it of. One morning I woke up and out of nowhere, realized I wanted a traditional sparrow below my collarbone, so I booked it for my next day off. I still love it 😀
Yep, this is totally correct. I have a related philosophy as well: I got three tattoos in the past year, and when my friend asked why I was getting so many in a short time span, I told her that if I decide on one I want, the sooner I get means the longer I’ll have it, so better value for the money!
Tattoo amortization!
“the sooner I get means the longer I’ll have it, so better value for the money” — Also an excellent philosophy!
NICE!
Awesome!!
I actually had a dream last night that I was attempting to get tattooed (by Kat Von D, we were buds, apparently) but it was a free event right next to the campus center blood drive and every time I attempted to get mine shenanigans abounded and I had to run off somewhere. I do not know what that dream was trying to tell me.
I will be getting a memorial tattoo for my grandparents hopefully sometime this year. I am researching local places and scared of making a commitment because what if I make the wrong choice and it is horrible?
I’ve been wanting to get a tattoo for a while now but I’m still waffling because while it would be meaningful to me, it might seem tacky/cliche to others because the most surface-level explanation of it would be that it’s related to my zodiac sign (I don’t believe in astrology but the gemini symbol has some layers of meaning for me). Granted, I want to get it on the side of my rib cage area so probably very few people would ever see it, but still…
I don’t believe in astrology either, but I do enjoy it for how poetic some horoscope writers can be and how they combine all the planets and whatnot into “here’s how you might approach your current problem” and it doesn’t have to be literally true to be useful.
You could always get an image that means “gemini” to you but isn’t the literal symbol. I mean… just two of something could do it, right?
Well the gemini symbol is essentially just two lines, so it’s more of a “the tattoo I want also happens to be my zodiac symbol, which is also thematically related to the other reasons I want the tattoo” thing than a “I want a gemini tattoo” thing.
I am also thinking of getting a zodiac-related tat after this one, so *fistbump*.
(I am honestly Not Here for ppl who think certain tattoo designs shouldn’t happen because “tacky”. I love tacky cliche flash tattoos and would probably have a huge tiger on my arm if I thought I could pull it off. :P)
After allowing my grief to process for a while, I’m starting to lean against getting a Prince glyph tattoo.
However, a local tattoo parlor is doing a Friday the 13th special – a small flash tattoo (I think 2×2 or something similar) for $30. I was thinking of doing the glyph, and I’m still debating, but maybe I could do something else?? I have a week to decide, lol.
Also if anyone has a picture of their tat and wants to brag/tell the story behind it DO ITTTT I WANT TO SEE EVERYONE’S ART!!!
Squee!
I am thinking of getting one, if the urge is still there when I have the money to afford it. I would like two stacked vertebrae, with a pen that has just been dipped into the “inkwell” that the vertebrae form, with a comma-shaped red drop hanging off the end of the pen. Probably on my left shoulder.
That sounds like an excellent tattoo.
So I am waiting until after my brother’s wedding to get one because it’ll be very visible, but I’m also just super worried about having a visible tattoo? Has anybody else gone through this? I’m working through a lot of shit re: realising that I’ve been maintaining a specific appearance to be approved of/attractive to the widest variety of people and finally understanding that maybe I’ll actually attract My People if I look on the outside like I feel on the inside, but I’m also irrationally nervous about leaving my safety zone behind.
But, oh, I’ve wanted this tattoo for over a year at this point and I wants it I wants it I wants it.
Hi, it me. My parents are VEHEMENTLY anti-tattoo, such that my mother tried to make me promise when I was young that I would never get any. I refused to promise, even though I had no plans to get any at the time. I got two that are hidden by regular clothing, six and five years ago respectively. It took about two years before my parents noticed them (island vacation, bathing suit, etc).
Then I got another one on my wrist, sort of on a whim, and LOVED IT. It was so exciting to be able to see, all the time, something that I had chosen to be a part of me. My mom instantly gave me shit about it the next time she saw me (and the time after that), but too bad for her, because now I have two more visible ones she hasn’t seen yet! And I want another, much bigger, one.
tl;dr I was scared of visible tattoos and now I love them. Also I dyed my hair blue so apparently I’m embracing this wild appearance thing.
This is so good to know! My dad (of all people) was the one who said, “Look, you can’t let your mom or anybody else dictate what you do with your body. Not everybody is always going to be happy with it.” Total lightbulb moment. No, not everybody will be. But I can be.
I just remember what it was like to have purple hair. It took me a while to recognise myself, but I was so excited with it. I felt so much closer to being the person I am in my head than I do now.
Toasties–I have a simple plea: Please tell me your favorite brand of cocoa powder for baking! I have not bought cocoa powder in a couple years and I cannot remember what I used to buy and I am baking brownies tomorrow. What do you use/love?
My most favorite is from Penzeys, but you can only get it from their stores/website. But I’ve used plenty of different brands with good results.
Penzey’s!
DUTCH PROCESSED HERSHEY’S COCOA, MOSTLY ONLINE, WORTH. IT.
What does the recipe call for — regular or Dutch processed? They are mostly the same, but they have different flavors and characteristics so if the recipe calls for one or the other, definitely go with what it says. Hershey’s makes decent cocoa powder (Dutch and regular), and I’ve also been able to find Droste at my local Wegmans, which I believe Cooks Illustrated recommended (it’s a Dutch process one). If you can find something fancier, like Ghirardelli or Valhrona or something, that could be fun but spendy. I think for brownies you just want something straightforward and chocolaty, and you won’t much notice the nuance that something more expensive would bring to the table.
The recipe can use either, which is pretty great. (It’s this one, http://smittenkitchen.com/blog/2010/01/best-cocoa… I’ve made it many times before and it is my favorite brownie recipe, but it’s been a full two years since the last time, hence not remembering what I used to buy.)
I know I used to buy something wonderful and fancy at Whole Foods, but I have no idea what it was. Given all the suggestions, I might need to seek out the Hershey’s–who knew!
I usually buy ghiradelli’s and mix it with dagoba and have zerooooo regrets. I will never buy hershey’s again. <3 <3
NB if you use Valrhona, the cocoa butter content is higher than most. It’s *probably* not enough to cause problems, but maybe check some baking sites?
Green & Blacks for me.
I usually buy Cocoa Camino, but that’s mostly just because it’s fair trade and widely available where I live.
Hershey’s special dark is my favorite regularly available option. I think I’ve found Valhrona in the whole foods bulk section? Something fancy. That’s nice too.
Saco Premium!
Echoing the Penzey’s, but if I’m out and don’t have time to order, Dagoba brand isn’t bad.
Rodelle brand dutched cocoa is my favorite!
So while searching for a can of tuna in my pantry I found my cocoa that I thought had been trashed before I moved and it is Rodelle dutched cocoa! I think I shall take it as a sign right after finding it somebody suggested that brand. The cocoa gods have looked upon me and smiled.
If you can get it, Fazer! It’s the most chocolatey cocoa powder I’ve ever used. It might be tricky to find outside N Europe, because it’s Finnish, but you can use it to make kladdkaka (Swedish brownies aka the best ever) http://scandi.please-build.me/skns/recipe-kladdka…
Thank you, fashionable friends who advised me last Open Thread when I was wondering whether to wear tights or have bare legs at the wedding. It all went amazingly well and it turns out I need not have worried: they held the wedding indoors because it was raining hard, and my short dress, bare legs, and little flats all looked appropriate. And cute.
There was a lot of dancing, much to my delight. You know who owned the dance floor? Older women. I think it would have done all your hearts good to see them. There were dozens of moms and aunts and college mentors and aged ministers and family friends, all aged between fifty-five and ninety or so, wearing glamorous dresses and dancing away like goddesses. Their husbands and boyfriends could not keep up with them. Neither could any of the young people. I had a dance-off with a sixtyish woman named Benita who teaches improv and looks like a greyhound and I have never seen anyone move so weightlessly in my life.
“A sixtyish woman named Benita who teaches improv and looks like a greyhound”.
WELL MY DAY HAS BEEN MADE!
Everything about that sounds wonderful. Glad you had a good time (and that you weren’t freezing)!
So I saw Captain America: Civil War last night and I rather liked it! Anyone wanna talk about it?
I saw it on Wednesday and also rather liked it. Especially the helicopter-pulling bit. The gentleman caller whispered ‘why are you laughing’ during that part and I just had to say ‘the arms! the muscles!’ and then I was bit distracted.
I can’t believe they made it all the way through the movie with that much sexual tension and never kissed once.
Yes, those arms! I think I might have heard a couple people in the theater moan.
And I’ll admit I might have watched the whole movie half looking out for moments that’ll inspire future fan works. There were a lot of those moments.
Remember the tiny scruffy foster kittens?
These guys are 8 weeks old now and adoptable! They’re healthy and bouncy and halfway vaccinated and FIV negative. Lincoln (orange) is the snuggliest, Anya (mostly black) is the bravest, and Lexa (calico) is the most talkative.
In other life news, I have made it through two weeks at the new job and I think it’s going pretty well! The hours are super flexible and way less than my old job, and the long commute isn’t really bothering me. I’m also enjoying the view out my office window of the Staten Island ferry chugging back and forth, and there’s a small colony of cats that lives on the roof below! The office is full of musical instruments and a beer fridge, and the people are super nice.
Now if only it would stop being so cold and rainy here! I’m ready for spring, dammit.
AH SO CUTE. I am so, so tempted to foster kittens, but I feel like my adult, super-needy and super-jealous kitty would just not allow it. I had adopted her when she was already an adult so I never got to experience having kittens, and I reallyyyyyy wannnt tooooo.
For whatever it’s worth, I also have a super-jealous codependent adult cat. She tolerates the kittens because they have their own room, but she has come up with a number of tricks to get me to stay with her instead of going into their room, and she is NOT thrilled when they sneak out the door and bounce up to her.
So cute! Thanks for the cat update, they’re seriously tempting.
Hooray for the new job working out! That view sounds awesome between the ferry and the cats.
I feel such a kinship to Anya because we even have the same name! They are all beautiful! I want a kitten!
Toasties, I think I’m giving up dating men entirely. They may be easier to meet but it’s not worth it.
I discovered two days ago that the man I’ve been casually seeing for the last few weeks is ten years older than he led me to believe.
I haven’t called him on it yet, but I intend to, because he is a dumpster fire full of lies, and should be told so to his face.
I am so sorry this happened. Ugh. Toast Hugs if you would like them.
Ugh ugh ugh. That’s such a weird lie! Why would you even bother to lie that dramatically about your age? I very much hope that your planned conclusion to “You are a dumpster fire full of lies” is “and that’s why I’m dumping you now.”
It is, it is! Especially because I had my Tinder discovery settings set to show me people up to age 35. So discovering that he’s in his forties is jarring and unpleasant and I feel like the fact that he deliberately set his age ten years younger is an attempt to prey on younger and more naive women.
That makes it even more upsetting. :/ That was almost certainly his motive, which is gross.
(Also, women are often socialized to date older men! Why is he bothering with this lie?!? I don’t understand.)
ooh ooh I know, how about you sit him down, you need to tell him something important, “I’m 10 (15? 20?) years older than I led you to believe, and hope you don’t mind / can forgive me.”
That’s a good one! I would like to see him react to being played the same way. (That is what is rankling me most about this! Dude thought he could play me.)
I would be tempted to tell him I’m actually 10 years younger just to make the age difference that much more uncomfortable but I’m afraid he might be totally into that…
Oh man, I could’ve saved myself SO much trouble and a round of antibiotics if I’d dumped this one dude the minute I discovered he lied significantly about his age. Turned out he lied about everything else, too.
SAME
Ouch. Glad it was only an antibiotics kind of issue and not worse.
What’s hilarious is that I found this out while trying to make sure he wasn’t lying about something else! I was like, ok, I’ve been seeing him a few weeks, I plan to keep seeing him, I guess it’s about time to friend him on Facebook.
And then I couldn’t find him on Facebook.
But you need Facebook to use Tinder, which means he’s on Tinder with a burner Facebook.
Oh my god, Lemonack said to herself, staring at the computer. Is he married? I bet that jerk is married. To Google!
I did not find if he is married, but I found his LinkedIn, which said he’d finished grad school twenty years ago.
Huh, Lemonack said to herself. But he has led me to believe he’s 34! I was seven twenty years ago! I doubt he is the Doogie Houser of film school!
And then I remembered that he said he’d gone to the same school as me for undergrad, and that you could check that on the school website’s degree validation.
Pola and other dear Toasties, the website returned that he had first attended school there in August 1989. I was not even a full year old in August 1989!
I am baffled by this. Like, I understand several unflattering reasons he might have done it! But I do not understand how he thought he’d get away with it.
That’s a bad thing for him to have done and I’m sorry it’s happened to you, but perhaps you can take some comfort in your skills as an internet detective?
A+ sleuthing! Even if the results suck!
ooohhh, you should start dropping suspiciously precise cultural references into conversations!
“Now, what was Nirvana’s first album? You should know that, right?”
“Seeing the first Star Wars trilogy in theaters must have been something, hmm?”
“The Moon landing, what a cultural milestone it was!”
I’m glad I’m not the only person who thought this. Now I’m just remembering this scene from 30 Rock.
I love this strategy.
Does he have a birthday coming up? It would be evil to use that as part of it, yes, but oh so entertaining. For the rest of us to imagine, it might be painfully awkward in person. It’s so much easier to do these things theoretically.
I don’t know when his birthday is, actually! My plan right now is to (because I am whimsical and fae and believe in giving a jerk enough rope to hang himself with) let him take me out to dinner again and offer three openings in the conversation where I will say something predicated on the assumption that he is 34 and see if he corrects me. If he corrects me, I can point out that I found out on my own and don’t appreciate his bullshit. If he chooses to double down on his deceptions, then I get to bring it up directly myself.
The “three chances to tell the truth” thing has a fairy-tale quality that I really enjoy.
This is the good and mature option — but I would be so delighted it if you took the “Actually, I need to tell you I’m 15 years older than I said I was” route.
You are so clearly too witches for this fuckboy.
The universe gave you a fantastic set up for whimsy and faeness so you play that to the hilt if that’s what you want. I too have that weakness/strength. I admit that my response to reading your first posted comment was an evil laugh at his foolishness at attempting to cut an entire decade off his age.
Oooh, ask him about his first internet memories! Like we did here on the Toast recently (and I proudly outed myself as an old. But you know, I recently realized I have never been the young kid trying to hang out with the grownups online, because the internet and I grew up together. I was never one of the dingus tween Youtube commenters saying “Who the heck is Billy Joel?”) Anyway yeah, ask him that.
(Also I’m really really relieved I didn’t have the internet as a young tween or early teen as a wider platform on which to embarrass myself forever.)
(I’m 38. So he should have at least 4 years less internet experience than me.)
Also TV shows! Ask what shows he grew up with.
I dated a guy for a year once before he told me had two kids raised entirely by their moms (who both live in a different state than we did/do).
So…yeah. Big ‘ol disgusting lies. Good luck on the forgoing men front.
I am watching the clock like a clock-watching thing. Why? Tonight I start a brand new LARP and I cannot wait. I’m not out as a LARPer to my co-workers, so I really, really hope I don’t have anyone ask about the feather hair extensions I am rocking today. (My character goes to fake Narnia and is turning into a bird-creature.)
Anyway, please join me in praying for a reasonably warm, dry weekend in southern New Hampshire? (There is a chance of rain in the forecast, which is giving me angst.)
And the big boss of the department is sending us all home early! Wooo!
I just played the most simultaneously frustrating yet awesome round of Rocket League matches that started off with only one person who outclassed me and ended with me being so thoroughly useless that I would have been more useful just driving around in circles.
I am now going to collapse into sleep, but are there any toasties who play Rocket League who can empathize with completely losing one’s mojo and driving around like they’re using the controller solely with their eyeballs?
I AM IN THE MIDDLE OF TWO HOURS OF OFFICE HOURS SO PLEASE SEND ME YOUR CHANNING TATUM GIFS BECAUSE I LOVE THAT GOLDEN RETRIEVER SO MUCH
Did you see the post from CleverManka on the LR? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wFxj8HsHE6k
Here are three that I don’t get to use much:
Bless you, I knew you’d come through for me on this.
well that third one’s giving me some Thoughts
I am going to be talking about druids on Irish radio on Sunday, 7 pm GMT: http://www.newstalk.com/TalkingHistory. It should also go up as a podcast after the live show.
Now going back to re-reading everything I’ve ever written about druids because it’s been kind of a while …. yeah, you think, after you’ve done your qualifying exams for your doctorate, “well, at least I’ll never have to do this kind of thing again.” In short: No.
welllllp I’ll be downloading that podcast now that it’s aired!
The sun came out for a couple of days at the beginning of the week, just long enough for my sinus congestion to break up (well, first choir pushed it all to behind my cheekbones just next to my right ear, but then the sun came out and everything was great). I’d had a headache for a week and a half at that point, and my teeth hurt, so it’s turned into an awesome week.
I also made delicious strawberry-banana-coconut chia pudding, to make this week even better. It’s not cake, but I’ll have that when I get home.
It has rained here this entire week and all of you talking about how sunny it is are lying liars who lie! I will never see the sun again.
Iknowrite?
It was sunny for about an hour today and everyone was desperation sunbathing despite the fact that it was maybe 50 degrees.
Please send your rain Alberta’s way, and then through BC? In exchange I will offer you this dry spell.
/lies down/ I’m 9 days into my new job as an EA at a private college, coming from a similar job at a public one. But there was a big meeting last week and TOMORROW IS COMMENCEMENT and NOTHING is really going right and everyone is rushing around and WHY IS THIS LIKE THIS. I DON’T KNOW THE ANSWERS TO YOUR QUESTIONS.
I hope that I can inject some organization and prep into this office. BUT I HAVE TO SURVIVE FIRST. AND THEN GO TO CIVIL WAR RIGHT AFTER. AHH.
GOOD LUCK WITH COMMENCEMENT. I worked that at my old job, and now I merely work the party my program throws. Still. I salute you.
Watching superheroes punch each other and have feelings sounds like a great way to decompress after commencement! (I did, however, briefly think you were referring to the commencement as a civil war and get very concerned for the students at your college.)
Hi, Toasties, can you post something funny below? It can be a knock-knock joke, story, anything. I just need to laugh at something.
This is turning out to be an absolutely terrible week. I’m running a large fundraiser for the school where I work – it’s tomorrow – and fundraising is not my gift so I’ve been stressed for weeks. Also, my last grandparent passed away last week and I didn’t go to the funeral because of Fundraiser planning and family issues. I had an hour long panic attack on Sunday and have cried every day. Lastly, one of the main donors for the fundraiser wrote me the worst email when I asked for details about the donation. It was a misunderstanding, but I really hate being yelled at.
In better news: The Roommate and I started watching The Night Manager last night and oooohhh myyy Tom Hiddleston. Also, I got to meet one of my favorite authors last Saturday!
Where does a military captain keep his armies?
In his sleevies!
(Sending you good vibes xx)
I dunno if this is funny to you, but I lol’d
I am so, so sorry.
I only know kid jokes these days, so:
A: Knock-knock.
B: Who’s there?
A. Interrupting cow.
B. Interrupting cow wh–
A. MOO!
Here is a cute video to go with your joke!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3TUHb0VQkJU
Hah, yes. Presumably the alien (?) goes on to run through every iteration of thing-that-makes-sound possible, which is the next step.
I’m really sorry to hear about your grandparent. Also, I work in development, so I know the pain of dealing with terrible/rude donors all too well.
Do you listen to podcasts? “Another Round” has been making me laugh in public spaces recently.
Have my favorite funny gif!
Ohmygod that is delightful.
Q. What can think the unthinkable?
A. An ithe-berg!
Q. What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
A. Aye matey
Q. What’s ET short for?
A. Cuz he’s got little legs!
One of my fave gifs that I never get to use as a reaction:
Damn I love that horse so much.
I love that whole cartoon sequence.
You can literally use that as a reaction to anything I write anywhere on this site and it will be correct.
My time has come!
Q: What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
A: One’s really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
Did you hear that they are going to stop making those round hay bales?
Because the cows aren’t getting a square meal.
Two wrongs don’t make a right but two wrights make a heck of an airplane.
When you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Mountains tell the best jokes because they’re hill-areas.
(if you would like more terrible puns curated from tumblr, here’s the link to my pun tag: http://somethingwittythiswaycomes.tumblr.com/tagg… )
I just came back from the eye doctor, so I shall share this joke:
How many optometrists does it take to change a lightbulb?
One…or two? One….? Two….?
“Why do these things always happen to me?” cried the man as he fell into a stupor.
Someone was always leaving the lid off the stupor.
Also, if you need to take your mind off things, you can help scientists count penguins: http://www.sciencealert.com/scientists-really-nee…
Toasties,I am hating my job very very much at the moment. I would absolutely love to hear stories from those of you who found yourself in a career you hated,and decided to reinvent your work life. Please inspire me!
Oh, I am here for this conversation. I’m trying to reinvent my work life. Earlier this week indeed.com recommended the position “Cheese Specialist 1” at a grocery store in the PNW, and it sounds like a really amazing opportunity.
That sounds like a most excellent career option. Presumably, becoming a specialist involves lots of firsthand research?
Hiii, it me.
I was PhD track academia, but my undergrad grades weren’t good enough to send me straight to grad school, so I ended up lab managing for (what was supposed to be) 2 years. If you asked me at the time, it was a tragedy, but I am SO GLAD I didn’t go.
Spending time in the actual field made me realize it wasn’t right for me (for so many reasons, I’d go in to them if someone’s interested but they aren’t really relevant to the discussion). When I finally told myself “I’m not going to graduate school” it was such a weight off my shoulders; I was instantly happier, and couldn’t imagine going back.
Then I applied to A LOT of jobs (at work, but my boss was a jerks so). I didn’t know what I wanted to do so I applied to anything that seemed interesting that I was qualified for, and ended up getting a call back from a job that I wasn’t expecting, but I’m quite fond of. I got really lucky. It was a really, really good thing for me.
Hey DC toasts. how do you plan to survive the upcoming transit nightmare? Looks like my stops aren’t going to be directly affected, so I’m not sure if I need to make any preparations.
I’m going to take my bus riding to the next level, most likely. Mostly I only use buses on weekends already. They take longer, but I like looking out the windows and it’s really helped me understand how different neighborhoods connect to each other.
This bit is a damn tragedy though: “Starting the evening of June 3, Metro will close at midnight seven days a week.”
I’ve lived in this area long enough to remember what it was like before they extended service hours: it sucked. I wish they’d consider a night bus system at least.
See, I’m wondering if it will just increase traffic on the roads, in which case the buses might be a nightmare too? I dunno, at least it sounds like they have a plan to keep the disruptions temporary. And yikes, I missed the part about late-night service.
Oh, I completely glossed over the closures starting at midnight. That’s really annoying…
I think I will only be affected for maybe one or two of those “surges,” as I ride only a few stops away from DC into Maryland to get to work, and the impact could probably be mitigated by leaving the house like 15 minutes earlier. But I feel for Virginia folks, they seem pretty fucked for the next year.
And I imagine for most other things, I’ll just take the bus more. Or walk. If it takes me less than 45 minutes to get to, I almost always walk. I’m upset that after this year they might not bring back the late night hours, though.
I’m also not in the area that will be directly affected, but I’m definitely going to make sure to read up on the bus changes they’re (hopefully!) going to be introducing to compensate for this.
I drive usually, and I am expecting traffic to be even more terrible as a result of this. I’m trying to resign myself to it.
I am *hoping* that I will have moved into a different place by the time the October work on the Red Line happens, because I commute from Wheaton to Georgetown and that *already* sucks. Doing the whole thing via bus is technically possible but it will certainly take longer. If I’ve moved I will hopefully be somewhere that has a decent desk space so I can just work from home those weeks.
The August Red Line work is only for a week and I was planning to visit my parents around then anyway, so I may just take the week off, or work from their house.
But I didn’t always have those options in my life and it is going to suck SO HARD for people who don’t have those options. Also that midnight closing is going to cause some serious disruption and drama of its own.
The August Red Line work is only for a week and I was planning to visit my parents around then anyway
You seem to be assuming that this project is going to stay on-schedule
The midnight closures are so stupid. What if this results in more people driving drunk??
It’s going to be such a shitshow … I think it’s necessary because Metro has proven they can’t get maintenance done in a normal, less disruptive way. But there are a lot of people who’s routes will be messed up, and they have no other ways to get around.
I’m mostly getting hit by single-tracking, but it’s around the time I should be going on maternity leave. Maybe it’ll line up with the month I wasn’t really planning to leave the house
In personal news — say a prayer or send some good vibes my way. This weekend into next is going to be a doozy.
We just had our second family dog pass away in less than a month — it’s been heartbreaking, we’ve had them since my younger sister and I were in high school and they were both our babies. Mama Dog went first, she just couldn’t walk or eat anymore, and we had her put down…then her baby (OK, fine, she was ELEVEN but still) has been sick with cancer but doing generally well for a while…we feel like after losing her mama, her heart just broke and she got really sick, had to have spleen surgery, did OK, rallied — and then got really sick and passed in the night. Oh God, I’m gonna cry now thinking of it.
In other news, I’m seven months pregnant, working this weekend, and the early shift all next weekend, have two appointments to negotiate work around, am teaching my normal dance class in prep for recital week, am taking on substituting three more upper level dance classes I don’t normal teach while a friend is out of town, and then next weekend, will have a dress rehearsal and recital all in one day.
It’s all very manageable and, aside from work, stuff I really enjoy. But the pregnancy fatigue is really getting to me, I’m not sleeping well at all (making adjustments and doing better, but still) and am really trying to take good care of myself as best I can. I know I can handle it — but on this side of things, it feels rather daunting to imagine succeeding at all of it!!
Thank you!
Sending gentle thoughts and good vibes to you. I’m so sorry– this sounds overwhelming.
I actually just posted about my dog a bit downthread.
She’s 11 and going downhill fast, so I may be in your position sooner than I may have liked.
People think 11 sounds old, but when they’re your dog you just want all of the years!
Sorry for your pups, it’s really hard I know it.
So sorry about your pup. Yes, in my mind, and I think in my mom/sisters’ — both were perennially 3 and 5 years old. Even if I got older, they didn’t.
Toasties, I always feel like I am whining when I am not happy and upbeat but I feel broken in a thousand ways right now.
I almost canceled my best friend trip this weekend, it is a terrible weekend timing wise and I am so tired and have so much to do that 6 solid hours of being in a car unable to work is really ramping up my anxiety but I didn’t. I think that is ultimately the good and right answer, she is wonderful, we are wonderful together, I am helping her volunteer at a Fancy Event and she is just the best. So maybe a (too short, whirlwind) weekend with her will set my head straight. I just can’t seem to kill the very bad headspace I’ve been in for over a month.
Maybe it’ll help set your head straight and maybe it won’t, but I know that for me, changing my scenery and being with a best friend are usually good things, even if it feels really stressful beforehand. In the meantime, sending some good vibes your way! It feels like this has been a rough week for all of us in various ways.
Aww. I think a change is absolutely going to do you good, and I’m glad you didn’t cancel! If you go, I hope you get to play your favorite music in the car and roll down the window and have a blast taking yourself on an adventure. Anxiety is a bitch, and I’m sorry you’re dealing with an unshakeable bad place lately.
Whatever you decide, good vibes and support being sent your way!!
Rough week, strapping in for a rough weekend. I need to leave someone, and I’ve never had to do that before! The conversation has been started, but this weekend will be more final and, I’m imagining, harder. (The logistics! The sorting out of belongings! Oof.) But! I cannot believe how relieved I feel even having starting the conversation yesterday. I was carrying around a lot of pent up feelings for a while, it turns out, and letting them out and admitting this was not working felt good. And it was surprisingly well received, meaning I can rest assured that I’m doing the right thing for both of us, sad as it may be. So, a good sad weekend ahead. I’m lucky–my parents live nearby and we are close, so on Sunday I’ll get in some serious mom time and we’ll cook together and read the paper and she’ll let me cry it out some more, and my dad will pat me on the back and help me fix my car. (Aah, gender roles.)
Anyway, very grateful for this anonymous and supportive space today. Words of support welcome. Also super welcome are any suggestions about fun, self-esteem-boosting things I can do for myself when I stop crying!
Congratulations on doing one of the most difficult and important parts of being an adult in a relationship: admitting when it’s over and ending it gracefully. I’m really glad you’re giving yourself space to feel sad about it, even while you remember that it’s the right thing to do. All of the Toast hugs your way!
THANK YOU!
The best of luck to you, and Toast Hugs if you would like them.
I believe in you. It will not always be as hard as it is now. I’m glad you have Team You nearby.
I *heart* my job dearly. I work with a wonderful team of smart people who do interesting things, and we have very low interdepartmental drama. (Not that it’s anything notable, but I feel compelled to point out that the team is also entirely women with a token male who gets treated like everyone’s kid brother.)
But there’s one dude in another department whom I cannot stand and if there’s anything making me contemplate moving up my last date, it’s seeing his name in my in box. It’s to the point where I’m immediately reactive whenever he opens his mouth, which is not a great look.
Also, I finally watched the HBO film Confirmation last night, about Anita Hill’s testimony during Clarence Thomas’s confirmation hearings, and it’s appalling. I was in high school when it happened, and overseas, so I knew it was happening without paying too much attention. Watching it is a car crash. Every single one of those grown ass men on the Senate Judiciary Committee should be ashamed of how they conducted themselves. Joe Biden, I’m giving you the hard side eye. Ugh.
(It’s not as good as People vs OJ Simpson, but still infuriating.)
Biden needs to publically apologize. I can kind of understand if he waits until the election is over, but at the same time if he tries to campaign for anyone it’ll just keep coming up.
Edit to ad: they all need to apologize, I just only think Biden might actually do it.
Yes! I found Confirmation amazing and viscerally, horrifying upsetting. I don’t know why more online places aren’t talking about it.
I know Anita Hill was at least able to keep her job, but I keep wondering what happened to the other woman at the Washington Post, the one they didn’t let testify, but just shit on her on the Senate floor? Did she get to keep her job?
The whole thing is horrifying.
I’ve honestly been scared to watch it, as I was a wee thing at the time and know only the bare outline and that it was Horrible. Is it worth putting myself through to learn more? Is it entertaining as well as enraging? My duty as a feminist? Please advise.
GAME THREAD?!?!?!
God help me I am playing Mass Effect again. It’s been a while, and I’ve already blown through the first game and am a few missions into the second game. Items:
– The first game is still my least favorite, since the writing and characters feel the flattest, but I find myself enjoying it more each time I play it. Sniping a geth colossus from 1km away and getting a bazillion XP points is extremely satisfying, as is trying to drive the Mako in the most fucked up way possible. Also, I let Ashley survive for the first time ever, and that’s pretty cool?
– I just picked up Garrus in ME2. I like Garrus in ME1, but hoooly shit I’d forgotten how goddamn charming he is in ME2 and I’ve remembered why he’s my #1 videogame crush.
– I will be romancing Garrus again in ME2.
– ME2 is still my favorite game of all time.
– Where is Andromeda.
– There is a rumor that a famous feminist Fantasy writer is writing a prequel novel for Andromeda, and I want to talk about it, but I don’t want to spread false rumors and/or get my hopes up.
Anywho, what are you all playing?
EDIT: Best comic re Shepard and the Mako….
I am sitting patiently in wait for Dishonored 2, which just got a November release date.
(I always let Ash survive because she is an integral part of my Dream Team for ME1 along with Wrex. I should try letting Kaidan survive sometime, but I’ve never been able to make him useful in combat :/.)
Holy shit Dishonored 2 Dishonored 2 Dishonored 2 Dishonored 2 Dishonored 2.
I am soooo excited about playing Emily Kaldwin, but now it turns out that Corvo is being voiced this time, and by the guy from the (original) Thief games? And oh well I guess I have to play it TWICE.
Between that and Deus Ex: Mankind Divided (Adam Jensen: #2 BourneApprox videogame crush!), I am totally set for the upcoming year.
Oh I’m definitely playing it twice – got to be Emily first though. Hope my PC can run it!
I tried Dishonored a few years ago and wanted to like it, but the stealth stuff seemed stupidly hard even on easy, and I’m wondering if it might have been that my computer was too old–that computer couldn’t play the Witcher 2, either.
It’s entirely possible that I’m dumb or the game isn’t for me, but it seemed interesting.
Tip 1: Just kill everyone! It’s much easier!
Tip 2: Kill everyone in the first dungeon because who can stealth without outsider powers? NOT ME. Then, well, invest in lots of stun darts and reload a lot. It took me ages to figure out some missions, but I am definitely dumb.
I usually leaned on Kaidan rather than Ash, because I use companions for powers rather than raw firepower, but I used her more this time, and man, the two of them pack a punch.
I actually really love Kaidan’s evolution in ME3. They finally found a personality for him, which is “Dorky but sweet Canadian guy.”
I have never let Kaidan survive because I always thought he was boring and I had no idea he developed an actual personality over time! I don’t know that I have it in me to let Ashley die though.
Yeah I always let Ashley survive because of feminism and also they really push the whole “Kaidan is a Sentinal and having headaches” in the first one and I am very much paranoid and skeptical of motivations/unknowns (I was very anti-Miranda for like, all of ME2 because I was sure there was scheming going on)
I have fallen into a hole with FFXIV and I’m not sure I want to get out. I made fun of someone for being an MRA talking sheet in the Novice chat and other people jumped in to make fun of him too! There’s so much stuff to do! I can do all the roles and professions on a single character if I decide I want to! If I don’t log in for a day, there’s still no horrific fear of Getting Behind because there’s so much non-endgame content that no one cares if you take your time.
It is delightful. I named my cocoabo Ponytart.
I have been playing The Witcher 3. It is the most white-dude game ever to exist, but I’m finding those bits (plentiful sex scenes especially) mostly hilarious. And I’m trying to use Geralt’s powers for good, by defending women whenever possible and kicking the shit out of the (unfortunately many) creeps who abuse them. It helps that there are a lot of female characters and the dialogue is very well written. The lack of POC is glaring, though.
I really like the game mechanics, though. It’s complicated but in an organized way, and the level of detail is very appealing to me. It’s also HUGE and I have no idea how many hours the whole thing will take. I’ve been playing for weeks and I think I’m still in Act 1!
I think I have replayed Mass Effect at least 3 times all the way through. ME2 is my favourite, but I have a soft spot for ME1. It was the game that really got me into gaming. Before that I enjoyed video games but I fell in LOVE with them after ME1. My husband and I love to watch each other play mass effect and see how the different choices play out. I’m always so Paragon and he always tries to be a Rebel but ends up pretty Paragon too.
This was time #3 with ME1 for me! Hah, and ME2 is actually the game that made me fall in love with games (I started with ME2 and went back to ME1). Same exact thing: turned me from a casual game player into goddamn fangirl.
GARRUS! He’s the best! I also adore Legion. And Tali. YAY ME2
I’m taking a bit of a break from Bioware after playing slightly too many of their games in a very short time. I may be recovering from a mid-sized obsession…
These days, I’m utterly enamored with Stardew Valley. It’s so gorgeous and soooo much fun. Love.
I’ve been playing the hell out of the Overwatch beta. I’m *awful* at most first person shooters, but there’s a ton of variety in characters and the objective-based combat means it matters a lot less if you keep getting killed (or walking backwards off cliffs because you’re trying to avoid getting killed…). It’s been super fun.
And there’s a lot of fun cosmetic stuff to unlock, so I really enjoy spamming Zarya’s “I want to hug you like big, fuzzy, Siberian bear!” voice line whenever I play as her.
I could really use some advice. My husband and I have been living with my brother and his girlfriend for almost a year (it was all mutually agreed upon that it was a temporary money-saving solution), and things up to Christmas were going really well. My brother’s girlfriend is really sweet, but she was out of a job for a year and suffers from really bad anxiety. We managed to split things (chores, groceries, cooking) evenly.
Her behaviour started changing in the late fall. I definitely don’t want to diagnose her, but she was completely holed up in her room when my brother wasn’t home; we wouldn’t see her often and she stopped contributing to household chores like she normally had (since the rest of us had FT jobs, and she was home all the time, she would do the dishes or prep dinner, etc). We talked with them in the early spring to confirm that we were going to continue splitting things, but that never really seemed to help things. Maybe we weren’t clear enough?
My husband and I decided in March that we would start planning weekly menus, and do the groceries and cook meals for the house alone. I talked with my brother, he agreed, and we decided he’d pay me their half for the food every week, and she would do the odd Costco run for pantry stuff. Great. Except…it took a WEEK for the Costco stuff to be bought (after I had to ask her), and dishes are completely left for us to do. We’ve noticed that she’s only doing her own, but still eating small amounts of what we cook. She finally got a job two months ago. She works FT hours, which is GREAT. We’re very happy and supportive that she’s finally working again, but I think it’s starting to feel like that’s her new excuse?
We’ve spoken to my brother already about pitching in. He seems to get it in the moment, but I don’t think it’s getting through. I have thought about Dear Prudie and am trying to figure out if we’re the assholes here. My husband and I go back and forth constantly on how to deal with this. I’m totally 100% willing to do the cooking/groceries, but how do I manage her feelings but still ask her to contribute? She’s incredibly sensitive to criticism or confrontation, so I don’t know how to broach the subject and speak my mind honestly.
The reality is, they will likely only be here for a few months longer, but it’s incredibly tense and uncomfortable right now. I’m completely at a loss, so any advice would be much appreciated.
Oh this sounds like a struggle. I’ve been on both sides. When I was the non-contributing (clinically depressed, etc.) slug, there wasn’t anything that would have helped. That was stuff I had to wade through alone. But the way it affects living situations…
Have you talked about hard deadlines for them leaving? I might be willing to just accept the status quo if I KNEW my roommates were departing soon.
My brother mentioned the fall, but I suspect they’ll want to leave earlier if they’re getting the sense that we’re frustrated with them. They are definitely not the types to overstay a welcome, so there’s that.
There are days where I want to just pop the balloon and confront them about what’s going on, and other days I just fester in resentment and tell myself to let it go. I have anxiety as well, so I’m sensitive to what’s been going on with her, but then I think, well…she’s still a person living in a house with other people. And then I feel shitty even saying that, because I sound like a bootstraps dick.
Oh hey – it’s a fallacy that anxiety is an excuse for bad behaviour. It may be a reason, and a forgiveable one, but someone having anxiety does not mean you don’t get to have feelings about how your living space is working.
It’s tricky to navigate, for sure, and compassion I feel like should always guide us, but question is not “are my feelings invalid because of her anxiety” but “how can I get my needs met in a way that is compassionate to her and takes into account her anxiety”.
At first i read this like you were staying with them and I thought “well, if it’s only a few more months just ride it out” but then I realized this was in your house and I don’t know why this makes such a difference to me but it does.
I would just do the traditional not-compatible-roommates thing at this point (because it sounds like that’s what’s actually happening here) and say This Is Our Food Shelf and This Is Your Food Shelf and These Are Our Dishes, etc. It’s been my experience that people who are “incredibly sensitive to criticism or confrontation” regardless of how compassionately or gently those issues are broached are actually just selfish and immature children who don’t want to be called out on their shit. Someone who is genuinely interested in not making your life more difficult will not get their fee-fees hurt if you say something like “hey, we really need you to start helping out around here.”
Good luck. This sounds like a nightmare.
I support this answer as well. My husband and I are in a similar situation, although without the definitive end in sight — and sometimes I get really riled up about the injustice of the situation. But I’ve found the best practice is to generally just try and practice seperate lives, as much as possible, so there aren’t as many opportunities to feel friction. It doesn’t jive with how I strive to live my life — engaging with everyone and trying to help everyone as I encounter them — but whether it’s the anxiety or a selfish immaturity or a combination of both — if it brings negativity into my life, it’s not worth me trying to fix or help, or even just be the bigger person and ignore things that are making my life unhealthy and negative. Minimal interaction seems to work the best, and I save my fortitude and strength for the times we have to interact and I don’t have a choice.
Oh my goodness, I hope that end comes into sight sooner rather than later for you.
Agreed on the “can’t take criticism” train. People who have anxiety can also at the same time be manipulative, selfish, jerks.
Not giving advice, just insight. Right now, we’re staying with BF parents for weird geographical reasons, it’s been a few months and we’re finally planning on moving out next month. I have issues with depression and anxiety and while things are seemingly going well with us, I feel myself slipping due to the lack of personal space. We have our own bathroom and bedroom so there’s a place for me to be alone but it just isn’t the same. I never feel like doing stuff around the house, even stuff I love like cooking, because there’s always someone in the way or someone with an opinion. I really, really miss doing things uninterrupted.
My knee jerk reaction is that it’s kind of on her to manage her feelings, and you just need to be upfront without being accusatory about what’s going on. “We had agreed to x situation, but y and z happened, and we’ve realised that the best situation for us now is a. If that isn’t going to work, either of you can let us know by the end of the week. Otherwise, please plan accordingly.”
And, actually, now that I think about it, maybe approach it like people always suggest they do with in-laws – why don’t you and your brother just talk this out? Rather than make it a big house meeting where she might feel ganged up on, have the convo with your brother and have him relay the new plan to her. That way even if you do slip and get frustrated, there is a buffer and it (hopefully) won’t be repeated to her.
I live alone and have a home business, and I just had a male client who kind of scared me! I seriously am 98% sure he wouldn’t have been physically threatening or even make verbal threats, but he was verbally a bully and it left me shaken up. (However, I won the confrontation. He wanted to take away his stuff and only pay 2/3 now and mail a check later, and I said no, not negotiable, I will keep one of your things until you pay the rest.)
What does one do to protect oneself and feel safe? I have a trail cam I could set up maybe. I have never ever felt unsafe in this house before. My great landlord lives in the house right across the driveway (though he was away at work just now), and otherwise it’s all farmland.
Mostly I just had visions of the guy being vindictive and coming back to steal his stuff back, or to destroy my garden or something.
Maybe I should play a youtube in the background with talking men and barking dogs so it seems like I’m less alone?
(However, I’m pretty proud of how I stood up for myself and cut him off his ranty complaints with “It’s not negotiable.” He also said he wanted me to drive the thing out to him next time and I said “I’d have to charge extra for that. I charge $50 an hour for travel. You can come back here or you can pay for shipping, including whatever insurance you want for it.” (I sure hope he chooses the latter.)
GOOD FOR YOU.
Thank you so much! Really. Thank you.
WAY TO GO!
Thank you!
That’s very scary for you! I would do whatever it takes to ensure that your safety is priority number one. I don’t know how realistic this is for your situation, but I would recommend sending the info about your client appointments to your landlord or a friend, like you would if you were meeting a stranger on a date e.g. “Meeting Johnboy Adamsapple at 1 pm!”
That’s a good idea. Usually I actually do meet clients on Saturdays and my landlord is home then and sees their cars. Hmm, maybe I should make a new rule that I only let male or jerky clients come on Saturdays. (I would have done that this time too, except I’m busy tomorrow and just wanted to get rid of him asap when he said it was a dealbreaker and he wanted to take his stuff. He didn’t get the repairwork done because of my “price-gouging” and decided to send it out of state because everyone in this state has the same price-gouging.)
Get a largeish or large-sounding dog, if that’s at all an option for you. (Plus, then you’d have a dog!)
Not really an option, I’m already at my personal capacity with cats. My landlord has a regular weekend visitor who used to have a sweet big dog who was barky but loved cats, but the dog passed over the rainbow bridge. I hope the friend will get a new dog and bring it for long visits. It was fun having a good dog around the place (and not having to be responsible for it).
It would be neat if a neighbor had a dog I could borrow for when clients come, but I only know one neighbor with dogs and she doesn’t seem very nice. My nice cat neighbor dislikes her and her dogs. (I’m sure it’s not the dogs’ fault if they run amok, because that’s what dogs are born to do.)
But now I have this. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wgOlwI5jKos
I think your camera idea is a good one. I’d do that, and I’d ask the landlord if he can be around when/if this guy returns. That’s something you can decide on a case-by-case basis, and if someone gives you scary vibes, you can insist on scheduling a time when someone else is around (and the customer doesn’t have to know that). And congrats on standing your ground! That must have been scary and intense.
Good idea about the return visit, if that happens. Hopefully he’ll opt for getting me to ship it instead so I won’t have to see him here again, ick.
Hello Toasties! It was not the best kind of week, between trauma anniversary (ugh why are we not already over this it was 30 years ago, yes I know bodies have their own clocks but still I am *offended* by this) and serious continuing difficulties with our marital partner… but then, also, many good things!
1: We closed on the house! It is ours! Okay, technically it is our housemate’s because it is his money, but we will contributing to the mortgage, and the house eventually goes to our family, which is just… mind-blowing. ‘Housemate’ is really not a sufficient word for the place this man has in our lives. Why is English so impoverished in relationship words? Anyway, our house is on top of a small hill so has an amazing view, and is just gorgeous, and we are going to redo the kitchen with modern appliances (the existing ones are 30 years old) and maybe paint the cabinets and stuff, and there are roses in the front and back yard and yes, house.
2: We met someone from okcupid last night and she was very nice! I am not certain if it will go anywhere romantic but it might be too soon to tell (how do people date anyway???) and if it does not I think our system will end up friends with her which is lovely.
3: There are books, and cinnamon challah with vegan butter and cinnamon sugar on top, and I have Toast Post matches and like 30 rolls of washi tape. 🙂
What are some good things in your weeks, fellow Toasties? Big or small, houses or cinnamon sugar.
I found kaya jam for sale in a totally unexpected place (Jewish deli) while getting my lunch bagel just now. I think I’ll have some on a toasted English muffin for breakfast tomorrow.
Oh yum, I had never heard of that before but it looks *delicious*!
It’s the best, I’m trying really hard not to open the jar and sneak a spoonful of it right now.
Kaya is the best! Regular or with pandan?
Pandan! They only had pandan and salted caramel (which I find kind of hilariously hipster).
Salted caramel kaya?
I’m so bewildered by this concept but at the same time I kind of want to go find it.
I don’t have fridge space for any more condiments right now, but if the pandan kaya is good I might go back and try that one too. You know… for research.
HOUSE! Congratulations. I am nowhere near a home-buying point but the hill, the view, and the roses, all make me go ooooh, I want one. How lovely.
My happy thing is that I went to the NPR Tiny Desk Tour show this week, which was full of good music and good beer. Gaelynn is a friend from college and it was awesome to catch up and just exciting to see her doing so well as a musician! It’s been a bleh week so that was a jolt of good energy.
I am sorry about your trauma anniversary and marital difficulty. But so happy about your house. With roses, even! What color are they?
NGL, that Magic Mike Live announcement was by far the highlight of my week. It genuinely moved me to happy tears.
I want to join you in solidarity over being offended by our own body clocks not being over trauma. The other day, we caught a mouse when I was home alone. I tried to take care of it myself and just Flashed. Back. to a moment I’d mostly forgotten and couldn’t handle the mouse myself. At all. I kept trying and just couldn’t do it. And in addition to all of the Feelings, I’m super annoyed that it’s still with me. I also had a rough week at work with someone being super passive aggressive. And Mr. Editor Hurt My Feelings in a different work-related scenario, which we resolved quickly, but it’s always a bummer when it happens.
Good things that happened: I bought my mother’s dress for mine & Mr. Editor’s wedding AND we put a deposit down on a very cool band http://www.leschaudslapins.com/audio.html
Congrats on your house! Two steps forward, 5 steps still.
Your house sounds like the loveliest of all houses! Congratulations!
Congratulations on the house! Please be gentle with yourself and your body; you sound like you’re busy and about to be more so.
Ooooh congratulations! The house sounds lovely. So does the date! Happy remodeling (of the house, not the date… o.O).
My week hasn’t been good overall, but good things have included nice conversations with my office-mate, working on coloring book pages, and excessive amounts of fanfic (both reading and shamelessly, filterlessly writing). Oh and delicious coconut ice cream.
My favorite thing this week is my OB. I was discussing boxing with her re: pregnancy, telling her the place I was working out at didn’t have beginners spar, and she said “oh, it’s fine if you hit people, I just don’t want you getting hit”
Which is still cracking me up, because I’ve never had a healthcare provider be so comfortable with combat sports- and I’ve done judo for a decade! Love my OB- she’s really helping me feel like myself during this whole pregnancy thing.
Also looking for input from my fellow ADHD-havers– how do you keep moving forward when it seems like you’re just constantly screwing up and failing to manage the problems that have plagued you since childhood? It seems like about once a month I totally drop the ball on something due to mixed-up scheduling/ misplaced notes and documents/ just plain forgetting important information. My boss is really understanding but this week we had a meeting about another dumb mistake and she just seemed so exasperated, like “let’s pleaase not have this meeting again a month from now.” Right now I’m looking at different calendar and organizational apps, but let’s be honest, I’ve tried all this shit before. I’m on medication that’s been fine-tuned over many years. I’ve had my workload and my desk setup and my supervisory structure adjusted so many times. I have no idea what’s left to do, because I am still making the exact same mistakes that got my parents called in for meetings with the teacher in elementary school. I’m starting to think that maybe I’m going to live the rest of my life surviving from fuck-up to fuck-up, always knowing that there’s another one coming. Someone tell me otherwise?
This is coming from a background of “got fired from two jobs in a row because ADD combined with understaffed offices; has only told one employer about diagnosis as a Hail Mary pass, and that employer almost certainly had it himself”, so I’m not sure how valuable my advice is.
1. How do you think your boss would react to you telling her you have ADHD? On the one hand, it does explain the whys of the monthly “fuckups”; OTOH, it indicates they’re going to continue unless, like, they’re also due to another factor that can be changed. Like, are there other common elements to the these incidents? Their timing?
2. Are you in a position where you have enough value/clout/whatever to get assistance from another employee? Like, if it turns out that a lot of folks at your company struggle with organization, it might be more cost-effective to hire a secretary/assistant to be shared by these folks, rather than hunt for replacements.
Best of luck.
My boss knows that I need time off on a regular basis to see my therapist, but I haven’t been more specific than that. My personal preference is generally to not disclose the diagnosis, because in the past I’ve run into people who have really negative attitudes towards ADHD in general. My boss is a nice person but who knows how she would react.
She said she wants to see if HR or any of our admins offer training on any software that might help me organize, which may or may not be helpful? Who knows. I would say the common factor is “having more than 3-4 things on my plate at any given time,” which unfortunately is just sort of the nature of my job title.
I wonder if there’s maybe other job options out there that don’t have such an emphasis on the things you know you have trouble with. I realize that isn’t a very easy solution, and it would take probably yet more rounds of specialists (career counselors, therapists, blahblahfishcakes), but it may be that there’s a better option out there for you than feeling so bad so much of the time. This sounds really incredibly hard and I wish I had some advice that was easier 🙁
Yeah, I’ve been thinking about that. I like my current job most of the time, even if I’m not always great at it, but I think a place with a steadier/ more defined work flow would be my ideal. Also, I have a nagging fear that if I start applying, employers are going to call up my current workplace and find out that I’m the really disorganized one who keeps missing deadlines.
This is so me; I could have written this comment 4 months ago. I got on meds, and started a bullet journal where I consistently list all my duties that I might have to do, every single day. I hate lists, but hand writing some tasks and deadlines over and over helps me remember them? My daily list gets crazy long, but I add anything I think of, even if it’s not due immediately, and it seems to help me forget less. If you want I can send you a picture of what my lists look like, it’s a little ridiculous but it’s the only thing that’s worked for me so far.
Isn’t it crazy how some people can remember everything? For me it just feels IMPOSSIBLE. My goal was to just to cut down on my screwups (since I know I’ll mess up again), and that has made a difference with my boss. You are definitely not alone in this- Hang in there!
I’ve heard of this and it sounds intriguing but historically I’m pretty bad at keeping track of physical objects, especially if it’s something I would need to carry around a lot. Do you find it easy to remember it every day? Do you end up doodling on half the pages instead of using them for their intended purpose?
I immediately started carrying mine with me everywhere, like a wallet, so I haven’t lost it ever. It’s not exactly small (5″ x 8.25″), and it’s bright red so it’s easy to spot. I’m also always marking things off in it when I finish them (satisfying!), so that makes me keep it at hand.
You can doodle in it as much as you want! I just try to make sure I have enough space to add more writing if I need it. I like to add stickers to my daily logs to motivate me.
It is a good week. Person of Interest is back, and Dishonoured 2 has a release date in November. SO EXCITED.
I am here if anyone wants to talk about Person of Interest! Those flashbacks were heartbreaking 🙁
I’m just….so convinced everyone is gonna die. I’m basically watching it with my eyes closed.
I am hoping very, very hard that there will be a few people left. There are a few characters that I’m sure are doomed, but just maybe the others will make it out okay.
Meanwhile, Bear could probably solve all the problems if someone would just ask.
I thought the premiere was going to end with Fusco getting killed. Yay that everybody lives another episode, I guess.
I HAVE SO MANY FEELINGS!!!!
(also my brain is whizzing, because it’s sooooooooo relevant for my thesis!)
PERSON OF INTEREST. Root was amazing in the new episode. I can’t wait until Shaw is back, and I’m interested to see if they managed to get any of the major guest stars to appear in the final season.
I also love that the writers went on twitter to provide sources for the unconventional method in which they save the Machine in this episode.
Awwww yeeeahhhhhhhh Dishonored 2!
Bought a house this week!? And guys, I feel so, so guilty and awful. It’s a wonderful house in a great area. Too wonderful. It’s not really something that feels like a teeny tiny starter house that a first-time, 28 year old, only had a “real” job for a year, husband still under employed ought to get. I know the math adds up (barely), but I feel so greedy and show-offy.
We got so, so much help too. Which I’m grateful for, but also know that it was a hug chunk of money from family. My in-laws even co-signed. I’m worried how much of her savings my mother drained. Their all so happy and proud off us, and I’m terrified of letting them down.
It’s also just so overwhelming. I don’t know how to house. I’m not entirely sure I didn’t screw up the utility transfers somehow. Let alone how to find the time/cash/actually figure out how to do the million and one projects.
When we first walked in, it felt like a sweet little dream cottage, full of sweetness and magic. i was so happy to just dream about it as a “someday.” We only put a bid in because my husband is more into reaching for dreams than I am, and in this crazy market I knew there was no chance of getting a yes. And then we did.
I am happy, I swear. It’s just so much, and so different from what I thought a first house ought to be. We’re moving today and tomorrow. Please tell me that worry and fear and anxiety are all perfectly normal feelings when something is big, even if it’s good?
Worry and fear and anxiety are all perfectly normal feelings when something is big, even if it’s good. And if you are not very used to good, then *especially* when it is good, it is like breathing when you have not been breathing for a while, it hurts. But that does not make it less good!
Congratulations! Everything you feel is normal!
I’m in the process of selling my beloved first home. Homeowner secrets: There are no secrets. I Google everything. There are some good books and great blogs out there for EVERYTHING from home renovation to decor to maintenance schedules, you name it. There are no rules. Go wild.
TOTALLY FINE. I freaked out more than a few times after I bought my (not nearly so nice-sounding) condo, because it was mine and what if something was wrong and I’d screwed up and did I really deserve this? And honestly, I still have moments like that, but they got less frequent.
You are having very normal feelings!
After I bought my house, load one on moving day took me three hours to unpack because two hours of it was spent having a manic panic attack in the still empty foyer.
You are doing great and you will be fine!
Yes! Totally normal! And how happy and exciting! Congratulations!
Hey wow you sound so very much like me! I’m 27, in a new job, boyfriend is very part-time employed and not bringing in much money, and we’re in the excruciating end stages of buying a house together (with some family assistance). I, too, feel like a total fraud of a sham of an adult. But like, in a good way, mostly? It’ll be so great, we are both definitely going to be fine.
I’m also having knee surgery four days before our closing date, ooooooops
Anyway, congratulations! Your house sounds lovely.
Seconding aravisthequeen on the “there are no secrets, google everything” part. I am somehow slightly more “handy” than my husband, but neither one of us knows what we’re doing, and we’re doing fine in our first year. Just please budget/contribute for a fairly large “house emergency” fund… things you never thought about definitely cost money, even the small ones. Fence part broke. We need new shelves. Window leaks. We had no snow shovel or rake or lawn mower. We now need somewhere to store said new shovel and rake and mower. Water heater’s broken and you have to call someone? They might have to come multiple times ($$ each house visit) plus parts ($$), plus labor hours ($$)… it’s great fun though, to come home to your very own place. Congrats!
Any German speaking/writing Toasties who could help me with some Rilke? I want to pull a phrase out for tattooing purposes, but I want to be sure I’ve got it right since it’ll be permanent!
Ask away! I once wrote a paper on his “Duineser Elegien” and visited his grave, so I feel like I’m extra qualified, besides being German.
I want the last “idea” of You Who Never Arrived. If I were using Mitchell’s English translation, I’d want “Perhaps the same bird echoed through both of us” or even just “the same bird echoed through both of us.”
But I know translation is a tricky business. I’d really like to use Rilke’s own words to the degree that it’s possible, without altering the meaning.
OK, so the original goes like this (italic is interlinear/direct translation):
Wer weiß, ob derselbe
Who knows if the same
Vogel nicht hinklang durch uns
bird didn’t echo/sound/ring through us
gestern, einzeln, im Abend?
yesterday, separate*, in the evening
I’m not so happy with Mitchells translation of Wer weiß, ob derselbe because of the added question mark. He also takes away the negation (“nicht”). Probably a question of metrics, but I don’t know anything about this.
“Hinklang” is not an actual German word, probably one of his “inventions”, so it’s difficult to translate. But I think “echo” is a good choice.
I like Mitchell’s overall choices because it sounds better, but if you really want to stay true to the original, I think you should include the negation. But what I wrote here, “Who knows if the same bird didn’t echo through us” doesn’t sound so great (at least in my ears). It also would be a bigger quote than you originally selected.
Maybe grapefruitlife has a better suggestion?
(*side note: I think this should be treated as an adverb, so “separately” for a final translation would be better.)
In terms of German grammar, would ‘Wer weiß, ob derselbe Vogel nicht hinklang durch uns’ stand on its own, or would it be better with an added question mark? (As much as I’d like to just add the whole last line, space would be an issue!)
You mean after “Wer weiß”/”Who knows”? I don’t like the question mark because I think that it slightly changes the meaning – it’s really only one question, and with the added question mark, you either have two questions or a question and a statement. Does this answer your question? I’m not sure I quite grasped what you meant 🙂
But I’ve just been thinking – I guess you could leave out “Wer weiß” in the German version, it doesn’t really change the meaning, especially if it’s only a quote. But I don’t know if it’s the same in English?
What I meant was, for someone who read German (granted, probably few people I will meet in person), which of the following would read better?
Wer weiß, ob derselbe Vogel nicht hinklang durch uns (as Rilke wrote it)
Wer weiß, ob derselbe Vogel nicht hinklang durch uns…? (added ellipses and question mark to indicate this phrase is the beginning of a question)
Ah, now I get it. I thought you were getting the tattoo in English.
But if you’re going for German, you can totally erase the question mark. The “wer” makes it clear that it’s a question, and if anyone asks about the “missing” question mark, you just tell them that you didn’t include everything.
Also, perhaps should have said first: You are wonderful for helping me. Thank you so much!
No problem 🙂 And if you ever find yourself in Switzerland, the canton of Valais, where Rilke last lived and died, is very beautiful and definitely worth a visit.
German, but no particular attachment to Rilke here (well, besides liking poetry in general…). I’d be happy to help as well! 🙂
Thank you! See my replay to Marripat above. Multiple opinions are very welcome!
Sounds like you’ve got the German covered, but I am another German-speaker who also has a Rilke tattoo!
Picture? Or just… what do you have? (I adore Rilke, and I adore text-based tattoos. There are no wrong answers here!)
I have a quote from Letters to a Young Poet – the English is usually translated as “What if all the dragons of our lives were princesses waiting to see us once beautiful and brave?” Mine is in German, and just part of it – “alle Drachen unseres Lebens,” or “all the dragons of our lives.” It’s on my inner bicep and I don’t seem to have any photos of it at the moment!
Are you getting yours in English or German? I read the other comments, and if you’re going for German, I’d suggest “ob derselbe Vogel nicht hinklang durch uns.” Weirdly, it sounds better to my ear with the verb (“hinklang”) at the end, but that’s not the original text, SO.
That is gorgeous. Even without seeing it.
I’m inclined to tattoo the German. It feels more true/authentic. I want Rilke’s own words to stand on their own, as opposed to letting Mitchell speak for him.
Yay! I finally have a question for OpenThread that I think Toasties can really help me on!!!
Okay, so I am the maid of honor for my best childhood friend’s wedding this summer. And next weekend is our bachelorette party. I am always all for the most obnoxious, cliche bachelorette activities (i.e. all about the penises!).
Anyway, this friend that is getting married, the two of us used to do 4-H together, and in particular, cake decorating. She became really good at it. So… one of the activities I am planning for the bachelorette party is a Penis-cake-decorating contest for all of the attendees! 😀
I am purchasing these pans: http://www.amazon.com/Bachelorette-Disposable-Pet…
I am planning on making like 5 of them and then having all of the attendees split in to teams to decorate them.
My question for you toasties is do you have any recommendations for how to bake these? Like the amount of time? And what about any cake recipes that might be tasty and appropriate for this sort of party.
Thanks for any input!!!
Since it’s more for fun decoration of dicks and less to make an elegant and delicious dessert, why not just grab a couple boxes of cake mix?
Baker here. Pans, even penis pans, are designed to contain certain standardized amounts of batter. A typical batch of cake batter, either from a box or homemade is going to contain ~6 cups of batter. You’ll use an entire batch for each cake.
Obviously the most (in)appropriate type of recipe to use would be a *pound* cake, which is handy (as it were) as you can vary each cake by adding flavorants. Powdered espresso, lemon extract, coconut extract, almond extract, various spices. And of course for added vulgarity you can use a pastry bag stuck in underneath the cake to make various complimentary cream fillings.
This makes a light poundcake:
270g (2.25c) all-purpose flour
350g (1.75c) white sugar
15g (scant tablespoon) baking powder
10g (1.5tsp) table salt
250mL (1c) milk
80mL (1/3c) vegetable or liquid coconut oil
113g (1/2c or 1 stick) butter, softened
20mL (4tsp) extract of your choice
3 large eggs
In medium bowl, combine milk, oil & extract then set aside. In large mixing bowl, stir together dry ingredients. Add butter to the dry ingredients and mix until well combined. Beat in milk mixture, then add eggs one at a time, beating until smooth. Pour into a well greased and floured penis pan and bake at 180c/350f until tester comes out clean. I’d start checking around 22 minutes.
This is absolutely wonderful!!!! Quick question, can I reuse the penis pans? They are going to be quite cheap, I am sure. But do you think they are reusable?
Also, I LOVE THE CREAM FILLING IDEA!!!! How would you recommend I go about doing this? I have never done a cream filling inside a cake.
Thank you so much! This is going to be so wonderful!
If they’re a thick sort of tin foil I personally probably wouldn’t reuse them because they’re likely to warp, but there’s nothing saying you couldn’t try. Just be sure to clean them well and make sure they’re very well greased and floured.
As for the cream fillings you could go about it a few ways. First option is the Twinkie route. Flip your cooled penis cake upside down and using a pastry bag with a large tip (metal is ideal but plastic is fine) shove the tip into the cake in several places and squeeze out your cream until it starts to come out the hole you made.
Second option is torting and filling. That just means you cut the entire cake in half to make two layers and spread the cream liberally inside, keeping about 1″ away from the edges so you don’t have overflow
Third and potentially most delightfully vulgar is to discreetly hollow out a section of the shaft (sort of like hollowing out a pumpkin) and fill that with great gobs of cream before replacing the “lid”.
This recipe makes about 5 cups of filling. After it has cooked but while it’s still hot, separate it out into 5 bowls and flavor each bowl the way you’d like. I’ve put some ideas below.
Thick Cream Filling
60g (1/2c) flour
100g (1/2c) white sugar
5g (1 tsp) salt
1.2L (5c) milk
15mL (1 tablespoon) vanilla
generous knob of butter (optional but recommended)
various flavorants (optional)
In a large saucepan over medium heat, whisk together dry ingredients. Gradually add milk, whisking until smooth before adding more. Bring to the boil and let bubble two minutes, stirring frequently, then remove from heat. Stir in vanilla and butter if using. Separate into bowl and mix in your flavorants.
Options:
1/3c chocolate or butterscotch chips
1/3c smooth peanut butter
2 tbs maple syrup
handful of chopped soft caramels for dulce de leche
generous spoonful of fruit preserves
1 tsp powdered espresso
1 tsp extract (almond, lemon, peppermint, coconut)
add a few drops of food coloring if you’d like and let cool completely before using.
You are doing the lord’s work, dude :):)
This is more wonderful than I ever could have imagined! 😀
If you want to provide some relevant cake decorating inspiration, you could use some of the pictures from here: http://www.cakewrecks.com/home/2012/11/5/pan-demo…
I like the idea of pound cake, but most pound cakes I’ve had were a bit dense (in a delicious way), so five large pound cakes might be a bit much. One option might be to slice the cakes horizontally with a bread knife after you bake them, so you get two flatter penis cakes out of every regular-sized penis cake.
I have a non-disposable pan in that style and will warn you: underfill the pans a little, and check them very frequently! I cannot get a cake in that kind of irregular shape and depth to cook evenly, and there’s frequently overflow/spillage issues.
I am reading a speech Philip K. Dick gave in Vancouver in 1972, “The Android and the Human”, I found it on my archive trip in March. This sentence made me laugh: “None of us science fiction writers foresaw phone freaks.” You ain’t seen nothing yet, Mr. Dick!
I get to present the current state of my dissertation in my colloquium on monday. I am both excited and a bit scared. As for thesis-related matters, Person of Interest has started up again. This show is continuously brilliant and considerate in its discussion of artificial intelligence and its ethics. I love that show! I hardly even get distracted by MelGibson!Jesus’ face anymore!
My first time co-teaching is going well (I need to be slightly more assertive though). My professor is mostly enjoying himself by trolling the students with obscure bible trivia. I had not known there was an ancient mistranslation of the Song of Songs in which a confused person translated the word for “love” with “breasts”.
My week was kinda okay all in all.
I had not known there was an ancient mistranslation of the Song of Songs in which a confused person translated the word for “love” with “breasts”.
Haha! That’s fantastic. Did it still make sense in context?
I am with you on Reese’s face. And his voice. I had a difficult time getting past them, but I’m so glad I did. I want to give The Machine a hug.
The Machine NEEDS a hug!
Lots of hugs for the Machine (I also want to cook her tea).
Well, kinda. It apparently was a specific word for female* breasts, which led to some even more confused interpretations when it came to passages where a woman* declares her love for a man*.
*no biologistic essentialism intended, Catholicism tho
His voice is hilarious if I think on it too hard. Once I decided he was playing Batman, it all clicked into place, but there were some giggles right when I first started watching for sure.
AMAZING WEEK. So I just started my dream job working as a nurse in a top reproductive health center. I will be doing abortion work primarily and right now I’m training in the recovery room. The staff is so amazing and welcoming and already I feel right at home. I’m starting to pick up the feel for the job and I have had so many positive experiences in such little time. I can’t wait to grow and learn there and am so happy to get to be there for people during a really vulnerable time and help them through it.
I love nursing and happy nurse week!!!
Thank you thank you thank you for doing the work that you do!! Please pass on the collective Toastie love to everyone in your health center. Y’all are heroes!!
Seconding what GreenGrasses said! Your work is brave and important and I’m inspired by you! Thank you nurses!!
I am grateful for the work you are planning to do and, also, so glad that you’ve found a health center that feels like a good fit for you.
Yesterday was my birthday and I made a chocoflan using Marcella. Valladolid’s recipe, because my birthday means I want chocolate cake and flan.
http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/marcela-vallad…
Yesterday was my birthday too! Happy birthday 🙂
Happy birthday! Did you have cake? If so, what kind?
I just went to make myself a pot of tea and ended up making a banana peanut butter milkshake instead. At 10:00 AM. It has been a very tough week.
I’m sorry you’re week has been tough, but also forever grateful for the mental image of tea kettle – time lapse – whoops! mikshake.
Protein, fruit, tasty– what’s not to love? Also, I hope it helps you feel better.
Banana + peanut butter + almond milk + cocoa is my breakfast on swim days. It’s very healthy!
Hello, fellow job-hunting Toasts! Please share your successes and/or your current strategies for surviving this soul-numbing, self-worth-and-also-actual-monetary-worth-destroying season of life. As for me, I’m making Ina’s lemon squares this weekend and giving myself one full day off from frantic LinkedIn searches, my depressing spreadsheet of applications, and cover letters.
Hello! I have chocolate and will share with job-hunting Toasts.
My current system is this: I’ve written basic job letters and have an updated resume. Every few days, when I’m bored of my current work, I read through the job listings in my field. If there’s a job I can apply for without making many changes in my base letter, I take half an hour and send out the application. If the job requires other materials, I note it down on a list and put it away. This means that I end up sending out 2-3 applications a week, and the ones that require extra work… don’t exactly get done, but at least I’m sending applications out!
Any Toasties do Triathlon?!
I’m currently training (or “training”, because I haven’t really been following a plan) for my first sprint triathlon, which is in about 5 weeks! It’s an all-women event which is AWESOME and is supposed to be great for first-timers. I don’t really have doubts about being able to finish, but I’m nervous about some of the logistics – packet pickup, prepping my transition area, actually doing the transitions, how to deal with an open-water swim, do i need a wetsuit, what if my bike gets a flat tire, how to do nutrition, etc.
Any advice for a first-time triathlete?
Have you practiced open water swimming? My friend who did her first triathlon joined a practice group for that because it’s very different-feeling from pools. I also hear the wet suits are nice because they add buoyancy and also water is colder than expected. That probably depends on where you are, though.
My bike shop runs neutral race support for many local races. This means if someone has a flat or other mechanical issue, they are there to help. Can you check with the organizers or your local bike shop to see what kind of support is offered?
A of all, you are going to be fine. If it’s a sprint (Esprit de She? Iron Girl?), nutrition isn’t likely to be a big deal. You’re not going to be out there long enough for it to matter much. Stay hydrated, and you should be okay.
You don’t *need* a wet suit, but PLEASE practice open water swimming. Not only for your safety and comfort and survival, but also that of the swimmers around you. If you’re doing EdS, they do have “swim angels” who will stay with you the whole way and support you throughout the swim. People do not respect the swim in triathlon because it’s the shortest part of the whole event, but it’s also the only part you are most likely to die doing.
2ndly, you don’t need a wetsuit. I rented one for my first tri and bought one off eBay for my second. I love it, but I do most of my practicing in a pool where you don’t want to wear a wetsuit. So it’s always an adjustment to remember how to swim in a wetsuit.
And on the other hand, if there’s a tri in your area, there is almost certainly some sort of network of triathletes who would wet themselves with glee to offer advice and thoughts. A bike shop is a good place to find the tribe. (If you want something a little more low-risk, beginnertriathlete.com can be a good wading pool.)
You’re going to be fine. It feels like it’s this enormously complicated thing, but it will all make sense when you get to it. Just have fun.
Movie thread? Anyone seen anything good lately? I feel like there’s been almost nothing good in theaters, but I saw Elvis and Nixon last night, and it was wonderful. Michael Shannon is a goddamn national treasure.
Husband and I saw Keanu last weekend! It was VERY funny (I am a huge Key and Peele fan). Not as political as their TV show, but still a lot of fun. Also holy crap that’s one cute kitten.
I’ve been seeing the ads and thinking that it would probably be stupid as hell but I would 100% watch it anyway. Glad to hear it’s actually funny!
Ooh, I’ve been meaning to see that! That may be my Sunday movie.
I saw April and the Extraordinary World and adored it. Animated French movie that recalls the very best of Tintin plus alternate history (it’s still set on Earth in the past, but all scientists have been mysteriously abducted so everything runs on coal and steam due to no scientific progress or innovation happening for decades). The world-building was a blast and the story is perfect and it’s amazing to look at.
That sounds fantastic! Did you see it in theaters, or is it available to rent/stream?
Theaters. Might hit streaming soon.
I saw The Huntsman 2: Electric Boogaloo this week and it was pretty great. And by “great” I mean “very silly and entertaining.” Definitely not “great” as in “good.”
Seconded!
That’s definitely going to be one I rent when it comes out, because it looks very fun and like it would be even more fun with wine.
I recently saw the Emma Watson movie ‘Colonia,’ about political prisoners who try to escape from a bizarre secret compound during the Pinochet regime. Movie was okay, a little confusing, but it led me down a deep rabbit hole reading about the actual history afterwards.
Ooh, that sounds fascinating! I’ll have to add it to my list. I did a project my last semester of law school working with some victims of the Pinochet regime, so that’s always really interesting to learn more about.
Not sure how wide the release will be, but Jane Austen’s novella Lady Susan has been made into a movie and will be coming out next week (confusingly, the movie is called Love and Friendship, which was the title of another Austen short story). https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KhvyupqNhL8
I am DYING to see this. I check if it’s out where I live yet probably every other day.
High-Rise is great, but not for the faint of heart. Plenty of Hiddles nudity though.
Hiddles nudity? Definitely in. (Like Only Lovers Left Alive? Yes please.)
Worst week ever. Major relationship problems. Totally at sea and freaking out. I do not know what to do and suddenly my best friend is off limits to talk to. Just wanted to get that out somewhere. Thanks.
So sorry!
Thank you, I appreciate it.
Gaaaah, that sounds horrific. 🙁 Have some baby bunnies sleeping in cups? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2hh9lWK-iwc
Oh my god they are so wee and sleepy. I want to be them. Thank you.
They rest their chinsies on the edge of the cups!
You’ll be OK. We’ve got your back.
Thank you.
I’m sorry. Major relationship difficulties are hard even if you’re *not* struggling with your support system feeling suddenly less supportive.
Jedi hugs, if you would like them.
Thank you. It’s very appreciated.
Is that a fox or a squashed-down smallbear petting that ridiculously-chill cat? I can no longer tell adorable animals apart! It’s the end of all things!
Sigh. Thank you for the adorable gif.
It is indeed a trash-feet river-dabbler. I was conflicted as to whether to use it so soon after that post but it’s just so sweet.
Sometimes a good way to deal with seemingly overwhelming problems is to place them on a side and focus on something else. For instance http://www.ifunny.com/pictures/we-heard-you-have-…
These relationship questions can make us all feel as though the floor is waving underneath our feet.
My cake contribution: I co-hosted a baby shower this Sunday and through a miscommunication a friend and I both brought cupcakes. We each brought 4 dozen, for a total of 8 dozen, which was 5 dozen too many.
Reader, I am sick of cupcakes.
I would eat those 5 dozen extra for you if I could!
Hello, Toasties! I’m in Seattle next weekend and looking for recommendations; I’ve got the touristy stuff planned, but where should I eat? Any must not miss things to try? Or any Seattle Toasties who would like to meet up?
if your weekend includes Friday or Monday, PLEASE go to Il Corvo. Best pasta I have ever had, 100% worth the lines. And Vivace makes a mean caramel latte, although you’ll have no shortage of coffee options. I’m also a fan of Le Pichet near Pike Place, I had a cheese and butter sandwich there that haunts my dreams. (I’m not from Seattle, but my partner’s family is, so I’ve spent a decent amount of time eating there.)
Seconding Le Pichet — it is probably not, like, The Best Restaurant In The City, but it’s probably my favorite. I loooove it there.
What kinds of things do you like to eat?
I’d be up for meeting up if schedules work out!
I’m pretty open to trying any food, and if cheese or pasta is involved I will most likely love it.
I fly in the morning of the 13th and leave Sunday evening!
I was in Seattle in March and I ate a Cinnamon Roll somewhere in Pike Place Market and it was sooooo great. Also the EMP Museum is kinda pricey, but very worth it. Go there via Monorail (MONORAIL! I realise that it’s stupid from a transportation kind of perspective, but MONORAIL!).
MONORAIL!!
There’s a rather excellent restaurant called Nu that I went to a couple weeks ago while visiting my sister. All the food’s influenced by the local food of various places all around the world and it’s all very shareable and delicious. I still fantasize about the Trinidadian goat curry…
My parents went to Seattle a year or two ago and went to a Thai place called Thai Tom’s. They told me about it while they were still on the trip, and after they came back they would not shut up about it; they loved it so much. They raved about this restaurant to anyone who asked them about their trip.
They went back a few months ago, and I think at least 50% of that was based on wanting to go back to Thai Tom’s.
Thai Tom is TINY and often very busy, so plan accordingly. Also it’s near my office …
Von’s on 1st Ave is one of my regular haunts (the house gin is lovely!) and the beignets are just divine.
Ooh hi! I am also going to be in Seattle next weekend, for the very first time! Let me know if you want to meet up somewhere. 😀
Hi!! Perhaps we can check out one of these recommendations! I see your email below, so I’ll shoot you a message! 😀
Wah, awesome! Should we convene a proper meet-up?
Yes, let’s!!! You can email me at writenaked AT gmail.
MELINDA IN SEATTLE! I got your postcard AND I LOVE IT! DRAGONS ARE MY ABSOLUTE FAVORITE! Pleeeeeeease include your return address next time, so I can reply to you!!!
I will do it! I was writing too damn much on the first round of cards. I will include return address info on this one! I’m glad the dragon made you happy.
YAY YOU SAW MY MESSAGE! I’m so psyched I’ll get to write back to you now and express more of my love for dragons. 😀 They’re the only fantasy being I’ve ever cared about. What vampires and zombies and werewolves are to others, dragons are to me.
OH! I forgot a really obvious thing!!! I AM GOING TO BE IN SEATTLE FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME THIS NEXT WEEKEND, May 13-16! Let me know if you want to meet up at a bookshop, coffee shop, anywhere. I would also love recommendations for where I should eat/what I should see, even if we can’t meet up! You can email me at writenaked AT gmail.
Can someone convince me to take ballroom dancing lessons? I think I will love it but I am afraid 🙁
You’ve been afraid about things before, and they probably worked out fine! Everything is scary when it’s new!
(Once I was terrified before a big job interview, so I wrote down all the major things that had made me that nervous/afraid in the past that had all worked out fine. It helped a little, but mostly I reassure myself by saying, “Even if it sucks and I hate it, I can always quit. Or have a great story to tell later on.”)
Go for iiiiit!!!!! You’ll get to float gracefully and hold your hand as if it was a very stiff leaf.
I’m scared too. But do it!
Worms will eat your eyeballs in the end, dance and stumble and dance now?
Um, bleak advice is my superpower.
Seriously, go sign up. If you will, I will.
DO IT!! My partner and I took some lessons at the local senior center and it was a great choice. We kinda fell out of practice with the more complicated stuff, but a flawless waltz comes in handy in many situations!!
Do it!!! Can I ask what about it is making you afraid? (As my username suggests, I spend a lot of time social dancing and have experience as a teacher, an organizer, and a dancer, so I might be able to offer some concrete advice for how to mitigate your negative feelings enough that you feel confident going to your first class.)
it’s actually a bit odd, just reading your question about what makes me afraid makes me almost burst into tears. A friend took me swing dancing once because I used to do it with a friend in high school, and I just stood there in the middle of a crowded dance floor crying and I wasn’t sure why?
Ahhh there is something my eye aaahhhhhh I need a therapist + dance teacher lol
Oh gosh! Well, in that case, I’d definitely recommend finding a small beginner lesson to go to before going to a dance. Ease yourself back into the dance world in a small group of people and without a lot of the things that might be triggering you at a dance. I admire your wanting to get back into dancing even with that experience!
(But also, maybe yes to a therapist? That’s a really intense reaction to have to something you used to enjoy / want to enjoy now, especially if you can’t figure out why it’s happening. If you have access to a counselor, finding root causes for emotions and helping you develop coping strategies is kind of their thing.)
Why do we not have dance therapy?! It would totally work.
That happened to me in yoga once. More than once when I think about it. The most directly relevant experience involved a surprise substitute instructor who was much more rush-y than the usual teacher, who I loved. I think she was just less experienced, but being in a public space needing to perform when I didn’t feel sufficiently prepared.. I lost it and I had to leave.
I know for me it relates to how I use yoga as a stress release and I just was not expecting it to create a stress response in me. The internal pressure that [This is supposed to be fun!] can sometimes make me feel terrible about myself if I am not having fun.
I hope you do enjoy it if you go for it!
I think I know what you mean– I’ve taken a lot of dance classes in community college, mainly jazz and hip hop, and then ballet was so tough I could only make it through the barre portion before I had to run out and cry. It wasn’t a bad feeling, though, just that I’d gone right up to my limit.
This is different because it’s overpoweringly an emotional feeling, not a physical one. I think I know what it’s linked to, but it still sneaks up on me: SURPRISE LET’S CRY NOW AND NEVER STOP
Here, take Michelle Obama with you. I think she would make me feel better.
My best friend is a ballroom teacher! She loves newbie students. I’m sure many teachers feel the same way, so if that is the source of your fear, maybe this is helpful?
DO IT FOR MEEEEEEE
I’ve been wanting to take ballroom dance classes again for ages but never had the time and now that i have the time I don’t have the energy. Ahhh! I miss my ballroom dance classes so much! DO IT DOOOOOOO IIIIIIIIIITTTTT
This might accidentally double post (I tried before when IntenseDebate wasn’t letting me log in), if it does I’m sorry.
Firstly, NYC Toasties, go see Puffs at the People’s Improv Theatre! Delightful, ridiculous show about Hufflepuffs that you will love, I guarantee it.
Also I am a Ravenclaw in a sea of Gryffindor friends, and it SUCKS. Toasties, what houses are you in?
Going by the Sorting Hat Chats method, I am a Slytherclaw who uses a Ravenclaw model for most of her day-to-day life. I am currently dating a Gryffinclaw, a pure Ravenclaw, and a fellow Slytherclaw with a Ravenclaw model. Most of my friends are some sort of Ravenclaw. There seems to be a theme here…
Slytherin married to a Hufflepuff. It can be weird. And wonderful.
Same but he insists he’s a Gryffindor and it’s the cutest thing.
Hufflepuffs are the best and my Slytherin self would be so thrilled if the Burgomaster wasn’t such a freaking textbook Griffindor but oh well.
Aww that sounds like it would balance wonderfully!
Everyone I know wants me to admit that I’m a Ravenclaw, but I will persist in insisting that I’m a Hufflepuff. I have realized that while I’m smart and into books and learning and recreational research, I’m way more invested in things like kindness and honesty than I am just raw intellect.
One of my best friends since middle school strongly believes she’d be a Slytherin, so we figured we would have just been the kids who broke the system because there’d always be this Hufflepuff hanging out in the Slytherin Common Room and vice versa.
Have you read any of the Sorting Hat Chats stuff? I find it really useful for exactly the sort of situation you describe here. Basically, you can have at least two houses: your primary house, which describes why you do things, and your secondary house, which describes how you do things. You can also model (use the motivations/behaviors of) another house, or have your house be damaged by some sort of negative stress. From your description, it sounds like you might be a Huffleclaw. You value kindness and honesty, but the way you tend to do things is through research and learning.
(For example, I’m a Slytherclaw. I’m a pretty massive nerd, a researcher for both love and money, so everyone always said I was obviously a Ravenclaw. But at the very bottom of my heart, I care for my people above everything. I use my Ravenclaw skills to care for them, but I didn’t reason myself into caring for them the way my Ravenclaw partner does; it’s just the way I’ve always structured my universe.)
Whoa whoa whoa. This Sorting Hat Chats model changes everything! This is so interesting.
I’m a Ravenclaw primary with a Slytherin secondary, I think! Who often performs Hufflepuff-ness.
Thanks for sharing this! I will now rabbit-hole into this tumblr for the next few hours. Also hell yeah for Slytherclaw!
I really like this. It makes me happier about being sorted into Gryffindor by the last couple sorting hat quizzes I took. I’m definitely Gryffindor primary and Ravenclaw secondary.
I relate to this so much. Huffleclaw Ravenpuff 4eva!
Same. I may have an Ivy League philosophy degree, but I spent way more time this week trying to befriend the squirrel who visits my balcony than on anything vaguely academic. Secret Hufflepuff 4Lyfe.
Ravenclaw. Being brave, ambitious, or kind are things I have to consciously remind myself to do…being clever and analyzing everything comes VERY naturally.
I feel you on this! Sometimes I wish I could turn off the analytical, clever brain, but it’s how I automatically operate, so Ravenclaw no doubt.
Also going by the Sorting Hat Chats method, I’m coming to the conclusion that I’m a Slytherpuff with a Hufflepuff model. Pretty sure my husband is a Gryffinclaw, and I think my best friends are both Huffleclaws of some variety.
Ravenclaw, through and through. My closest friend is definitely a Hufflepuff; my family is mostly full of those two houses, and if I had a secondary house it would be Hufflepuff. (According to Sorting Hat Chats, I am R/R, though.)
Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw friendships are, in my experience at least, wonderful! My family is also mostly a mixture of those two as well.
I used to think I was a Ravenclaw, but I have come to realize after breaking up with a Ravenclaw that I am a straight-up Hufflepuff and would probably be happier if I stop feeling ashamed about it.
Puffs are RAD! No shame in being one. Love em love em love em
By the Sorting Hat Chats method, I’m definitely a Ravenclaw secondary. Primary, still not sure if I’m Hufflepuff or Ravenclaw–I haven’t had the chance to read the in-depth stuff yet, just the overall summary. I’ve always tested Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff. Except for the second time I took the Pottermore test, when I got Slytherin, which doesn’t make *any* sense.
Huffleclaws unite! (I was horrified when Pottermore sorted me as a Huffle, but… yeah. If you care about relationships and overthink everything, then welcome to the club.)
HUFFLEPUFF 4 LYFE
Last night I was dealing with a very dramatic situation with someone I once dated and I said I was helping because I was a Hufflepuff and he said “I would have thought Ravenclaw” and it was just one more piece of evidence that he never really knew me.
I think I’m a Slytherpuff who tries to focus on the ‘puff in order to keep a handle on their natural tendency to cut threats to their people off at the knees. Pottermore claimed I was Gryffindor and I have never been more baffled because brave is really not my scene. Being seen is not my scene, for that matter. I’ll just be in this burrow plotting the downfall of the GOP.
Also working from the Sorting Hat Chats, I am a pure Slytherin who tries to model Hufflepuff behavior as much as possible. I also have a pretty solid group of friends that lean Slytherpuff.
Modeling Puff behavior and kindness is a wonderful thing to do, for anyone in any house. I had Slytherpuff friends in college who I adoooored, they’re wonderful peeps!
oohhhh according to pottermore, I am a gryffindor; however, I think more like a ravendor….married to a 100% ravenclaw, which sometimes can be baffling to all parties. 😉
my best girls are hufflepuff, ravenclaw, and slytherin. we will take over the houses!
I don’t remember if I ever did the Pottermore test. But yay Gryffindor – I love that house (which I feel like my first comment about being in a sea of them does not reflect. Sorry, my Gryffs)! Also ravendor is a SUPER entrancing word, and in my head now it is the name of Aragorn and Arwen’s third granddaughter or something.
Hot damn that is a mighty quartet with your gals! GET IT LADIES
Hey, Toasties, I made a thing for your enjoyment:
http://bit.ly/24C009U
(Lin-Manuel Miranda reading Aristotle & Dante – which I learned about in OT this week – Ari is beleaguered by his history homework.)
Music thread!
I made a collaborative Spotify playlist so we can share songs we’re obsessed with this week. Anyone can – and should – add tracks: Cocktail Hour Open Soundtrack
I seeded it with a few things I can’t stop listening to this week including a MS MR cover of “Dance Yrself Clean,” some Beach Slang, The Japanese House, Wolf Alice, War Paint, and World/Inferno Friendship Society.
*weeps* but I can’t add Lemonade …
Okay, can we talk about how weird it is to make a gorgeous album that might be a “fuck you” to your husband but release it only on a platform where he makes money from it? It’s so strange.
It did go up on iTunes the next day, and it’s also now on Amazon. But yes. Weird.
OMG I love MS MR! <3
Man I feel like I should really like Beach Slang, but I haven’t been able to get into them!
oh wow i just got so chicken about having a real name connected to my internet name. And it isn’t even my name since I share a spotify account with my partner… maybe I will add something later when there are more users.
But to share I have listened to Car Seat Headrest – Drunk Drivers / Killer Whales sooo many times in the past two weeks.
If it helps, I was at a Beach Slang show once where someone got a little hurt in the mosh pit and the lead singer kissed her boo-boo. They’re literally the sweetest people ever.
I’ll add that Car Seat Headrest track.
oh my god, the only way to improve on my metal image of Toasties all crowded around open thread is that they are also listening to the same kickin’ tunes, AWESOME IDEA
“metal image” yess
And now I’ve ensured that you cannot change the typo
any time “metal” happens accidentally, it is not a typo. it’s metal.
oh help I can’t figure out how to add something, do you have to be a paying member?
I don’t think so? Does it work if you follow the playlist and then drag things into it?
okay I got it, also I added a cover of Paint It Black because this version was so nice I sat through the entire credits of a mediocre movie just to listen to it.
I’m listening to it now, and it rules!
oh I’m glad you like it! I always wince a little at the idea of covering classic rock, but Ciara gave me chills like every ten seconds.
Can you post the Spotify URI, too, please??
Here you go! spotify:user:123500971:playlist:4saq2zp1Qti3q8wQ5MeO4p
Thanks! Threw on a couple of songs 🙂
Brought homemade vegan tiramisu as dessert for dinner at a friends’ place. The booze (just a little brandy) in it made their five-year-old not like it, which meant there was more for us.
I apologize in advance for this extremely mopey post, but I just need to like, tally up all the shit and get it off my chest by dumping it into OT.
My boss just announced her husband has terminal cancer and has less than six months to live and it took me half an hour yesterday to pull myself together enough to sign the “thinking of you” card.
I’m driving four hours each way tomorrow to visit my grandmother’s sister, aka the best and most loving person on this planet, because she has been fighting liver cancer for nine years but the cancer has metastasized and it’s starting to look like the end.
My younger sister has been calling me at least once a week in the throes of either an existential crisis or a full-blown panic attack. I love her dearly and don’t want her to suffer so I talk her through it for an hour or more each time, but I’m spent. I feel completely and utterly used up, and I’ve cried at my desk at work like every day this week.
And I’m one week into Whole30, so I can’t even soothe myself with cake or donuts. This is The Worst. /endmope
Oh no, poor thing!!!!!!
Also can you get your sister to talk to a professional? They know how to deal with it far better than we mere mortals do. They can actually help, where the rest of us usually just muddle through with listening. I’ve been talking to a therapist lately and it’s so great. Plus I love having someone who is sort of emotionally detached to listen and give unbiased advice.
Once her semester is over (about a week) and she recuperates from the stress of that, I’m going to go Tough Big Sister and insist that she gets set up with a therapist. I will always be there, but our current system is only temporarily extinguishing the biggest fires of her anxiety/PTSD, and she needs professional help.
We’ve talked about going into therapy many times, but instead she drags me through this insane never-ending cycle of hysterical venting and then pretending it never happened. She completely brushes me off every time I try to bring up therapy. I know that sounds harsh and resentful and I realize that from my position on the outside it looks so much simpler than it does for her. I just want to get her to a better place, and it’s frustrating as hell when it seems like she doesn’t want that.
HhHHhhhhh. Anyway, sorry for that long response and thank you for your comment. I completely agree.
Don’t apologize for long responses or being mopey! It’s fine, and it’s human. And I’ve been in your shoes, though with a friend rather than a sibling. I wonder if you could make the appointment for her and go with her to the doctor’s / therapist’s office. You would wait in the waiting room, but at least you’d know she was going, and maybe the first time would be great and they would set up follow-up appointments and she would be hooked. Therapy really is great, like getting a massage for sore muscles, it’s a mental and emotional massage for sore minds so they can get back to normal. It’s good. It’s not like “Let’s take you to get holes drilled in your head and a round of painful injections, because you’re messed up.”
At least, hopefully it would be good. I’m sure some people find it as painful as drilling holes in their heads.
Or maybe you COULD even go together the first time. It sounds like you would have valuable input, since she likes to pretend stuff never happened.
Yes, when I first got going in earnest I always said it felt like cleaning my brain with a toothbrush.
That’s a good idea, I will take care of the health insurance arranging/initial appointment setting. I know that part is a roadblock for her because it’s scary/unknown, and I want to make it as easy as possible for her to get started.
I should add that she’s on a couple anti-anxiety medications right now, so there will have to be a conversation about how therapy and the meds ought to go hand-in-hand. I will definitely talk about therapy as you described it too, a massage for a sore mind.
I just wanted to add that my friend did this for me–she made an appointment for me when I wouldn’t make one for myself. And the amount of gratitude I felt 10 years ago was tremendous & it only gets bigger with time, even though we live too many hours apart with no easy transit between us now. Same friend also gave me some serious bibliotherapy at the time and we read a lot of amazing books by women together, which was very helpful.
i am so sorry you are having such a tough week. *hugs*
*fully ragdolls into the hug*
Thank you. You wouldn’t think that support from internet strangers would make such a difference, but it’s surprisingly encouraging and sustaining. I’m very thankful to have found The-Toast 🙂
Oh, that’s so many things to be dealing with!! What *do* you have for self-care/-soothing? I hope there’s something.
My boyfriend has been great about letting me cry and mope, validating my feelings that Everything Sucks Right Now and then handing over the apples and almond butter.
Other than that, knitting and hand-mending clothes in silence is really meditative and gives me space to recharge. So it’s not all bad!
OH HONEY
make yourself some fruit salad. or a banana with almond butter. i just did a whole30 and sometimes having that fruit really helps!
After Nicole posted something about American Horror Story: Hotel this week, I decided to look into this season. As I was watching some clips, I had this weird reaction of, like, HAHA, SO WEIRD, THAT HOTEL TOTALLY REMINDS ME OF THE BUILDING MY THERAPIST WORKS OUT OF, SO WEIRD HAHA. WOW, DOWN TO THE DECO ELEVATORS AND WEIRD GLASS ENTRY AND ALL! SO STRANGE, MUCH COINCIDENCE, WOW! ALWAYS FELT THAT BUILDING WAS A LITTLE THE-SHINING-ISH!
And then I remembered that I had seen film crews outside the building one or twice before. 30 seconds of googling later, and it DOES, in fact, turn out that AHS: Hotel building IS BASED OFF THE BUILDING WHERE I GO TO THERAPY. http://laist.com/2015/10/22/american_horror_hotel…
AM I A PLOT LINE IN THIS SHOW GUYS, THIS IS IMPORTANT. BECAUSE THIS LITERALLY SOUNDS LIKE A PLOT LINE WHERE I END UP GLAMOROUSLY DEAD OR INSANE.
Haha uh oh! My college dorm was very The Shining-ish, and had ghost stories, and it turned out it was one of the choices (maybe second choice) for filming location for that movie. (Or so they say.) I didn’t end up insane or glamorously dead though, so you’ll probably be ok too.
SERIOUSLY, THOUGH, THE ELEVATOR LITERALLY LOOKS LIKE THE TOWER OF TERROR. http://oviatt.com/index2.php#/rgallery1/2/
And they have an actual elevator man! Who lets you on and pushes the buttons! It’s the coolest old building but also SO INTENSELY CREEPY. Clearly an excellent choice of venue to treat my anxiety.
ETA: nbd, just imagining that THIS THING is probably living inside my therapist’s couch! https://www.google.com/search?q=american+horror+s…
Being rude, can’t afford much time here.
So thanks to all of you for the last minute paper support, but I tanked, literally, ended with me going 2 days on 2 hours sleep, losing my work 4 times (actual word doc) and 5+ times (data, analysis results, fucking lab computers pretend to save and then I’d get back to my office with my USB drive and it would just…not exist. I know it’s not the drive because it happened saving to folders on the computers, too. It has to do with the IT guys limiting what can be auto-saved and where you are allowed to put things, even temporarily, because the IT guys are stupid.) it’s a gorgeous 70 degree day and I’m inside freaking out because I was at school until 3 am, turned in shit, am trying to recover and re-do so that the shit is salvagable, prof knows i didn’t start until late, I screwed up my sleep cycle, I slept through work, I didnt’ take my antidepressants on time, and woke up to a panicked text from my straight-A daughter that she’s getting an F in math and don’t freak out (she might a. be sleeping a lot after practice and b. hiding in her room watching anime and c. avoiding the standardized-testing based online homework (which makes me want to scream when I try her homework, I can totally relate.)
So, anyway, i must be more calm, because mom guilt (i missed hs kids’ end of year concert last night, now I”m crying again, damn), less self loathing (my brain is telling me this entire school thing is a mistake, I know I can’t hack it, etc, etc, which hasn’t been helped by having THREE full time job positions come up in my field in my area in the past 3 weeks which I totally would have been great at but I made a commitment here, either hindsight is 20/20 or the universe has a sick sense of humor. I haven’t cried this much over messed up schoolwork in 20 years. plus, you know, this means I spend mother’s day working on my OTHER paper….
🙁 *hugs to you*
I was thinking of you this morning! Just sending all the hugs you would like to receive.
Sending you what calm I can spare.
*pours you a soothing cup of tea, rubs your back gently*
Toast hugs for you. You sound like an amazing mom.
Big hugs to you. Hope you manage somehow.
So this will probably be buried, but the oxycontin article brought up something I’ve been mulling over and I was wondering what other people think.
My grandmother is addicted to painkillers, it’s just a fact. It’s also a fact that she is 87 years old, she is in the process of dying, and is probably not long for this earth. My father is her primary care giver, and he has been repeatedly over the past year spoken to me personally and posted long bemoaning facebook statuses about it, which frankly come across as sanctimonious. And I just don’t know how to respond. She isn’t hurting anyone, (she doesn’t get mean when she takes the painkillers, she is just sort of out of it) and she is in a lot of pain without them. Am I wrong thinking that it’s not really that big of an issue? Sometimes it seems like he wants to get her to quit, and I just don’t see how making an old woman go through withdrawal helps anyone.
I think that in many cases, being addicted to painkillers is far better than being in constant pain. While possibly well-meaning, a lot of the concern over the “opioid epidemic” has very cruel results to people who are suffering.
I’m not an expert or anything but I’m with you. It seems the humane thing to do to just let it be.
I think at 87 your grandmother ought to be making her own choices, and — going out on a huge limb here — maybe your dad is focusing all of his Feelings about her being old and near the end of her life (not to mention his responsibility for her etc etc etc) about this thing which he feels like is clear and rational and has a Right Answer.
Good point, and maybe he hates seeing her druggy and out of it rather than lucid and having nice conversations he can remember later – though those aren’t actually the two realistic opposites. It would probably be more like lucid and complaining about pain and asking for medicine, which actually would not make for pleasant memories.
I’m sorry you’re having to go through that. It sounds sad and painful for all.
Weirdly I hope so? I think some of it is that I can’t really talk to him about it because I can’t separate his feelings about addiction from his other judgments about everything else he doesn’t approve of, which include a whole list of my own traits.
I’m 1000 miles away and I get really scared that he is not being kind to her.
I think it probably isn’t an issue for your grandmother, and that your father — as a primary caregiver — is exhausted by caregiving and doesn’t want to admit it because there’s a lot of shame in admitting that, so he turned his attention to her addiction because it’s safe to complain about that.
Also as primary caregiver it is very, very hard to publically admit that something in her care has long-term negative consequences and you’re okay with that, because it means you’ve accepted that she doesn’t have that much of a long-term to be concerned about. Either for personal reasons of accepting one’s mother’s mortality (which is hard enough) but also out of concern that any other family members might accuse you of “giving up” or worse wanting her to go sooner. Just a terrible position to be in- You know the details of your relationship with your dad and what kind of a person he really is, but if you have a good relationship and know he’s a good person, this mother’s day might be a good time to just tell him you know how hard it is for him to be losing his mommy.
We… do not. I’m trying to recognize that just because he is a Darth Dad to me doesn’t mean that he isn’t hurting about this.
That is an exceptionally kind and generous thing for you to be doing. I’m so sorry you’re going through this and I hope things get as better as they can.
My grandpa’s been on morphine for gosh, probably close to a decade now. He has terrible arthritis and he’s in his 90s- it’s not something that’s going to get better, and it helps with his pain. I just wish he had easy access to medical marijuana to help with the appetite suppressant side effects of the morphine, honestly.
I also would not be surprised if the painkiller thing is tied up for your dad with some denial about her decline and health- because in some ways getting off painkillers implies “getting better.” It’s a tough one, for sure.
My dad is struggling with this in a way with his mom- she definitely has a questionable relationship with alcohol, but also has a recent Alzheimer’s diagnosis- so the alcohol makes her apparent mental acuity worse, but it’s not actually accelerating her decline- just making her harder to communicate with during the consumption. Which is still terrible to deal with if you’re the caretaker – doesn’t matter much what the source of the mental fogginess is, it still makes things harder. But they’re not fighting her consumption because it’s frankly one of the few pleasures she has at this point, and the doctor sees no point in her stopping. But it’s hard.
Yeah, agreeing with most others here — at this stage of her life and at her pain level, it doesn’t sound like much of an actual problem. Plus, I gather (please correct me if I’m wrong) that they are prescribed to her FOR said pain? I do think there’s such a thing as abusing your own prescription, for sure — but there are painkiller abusers we need to be more worried about than an 87 year old woman who is prescribed them and needs them. People who aren’t prescribed them and get them through illegal means, and aren’t in actual chronic pain — that’s more of a problem, to me.
my gran was the same (she, uh, used to chase them with whiskey, which was the bigger bone between her and my mum who didn’t want to supply her with it and it was a horrible situation) – I don’t think it’s helpful to force withdrawal on her if that’s not what she wants.
I took care of my grandmother while she was dying, and she was addicted to codeine painkillers. Like she’d been on them for years. The hospice people tried to get her on something else a few times, because there are more appropriate meds for end of life pain management, but every time they tried something she got so much dementia (is it a thing you can get? well, she got it.) They finally gave up and left her on the codeine (and later percoset) because otherwise she was seeing things, hearing things, very not cool. We’d be sitting in the living room alone watching TV and she’d say “would you get those kids out of here? they are too loud.” uhh… kids? “Right there! They are playing in the hall and they keep peeking around the corner.”
*creepy back feelings*
Oh and the time she thought we’d moved her to a different, identical, apartment. She wanted to go home.
tl;dr, getting her off painkillers is not like switching to low-fat peanut butter or something. It’s a big fucking deal.
I was recently in a psych ward that housed both psychiatric patients (me) and dual diagnosis, ie psych diagnosis + addiction, patients (most others there) together. Many of my psych ward friends were addicted to painkillers. Not one of them started for fun. All of them had severe, debilitating, chronic pain but had lost control of the way they took their pills, the frequency with which they did so, etc. Most of them were unsure they could ever get fully “clean” because they weren’t addicted to something they used to get high, they were addicted to something that they were using to treat a medical need, just using too much too often. They were having to choose between all the effects of being on painkillers 24/7 or using a wheelchair and being in so much pain that they were uncontrollably sobbing in the hallways. I left the unit while many of the people I had met who were in this situation were still there. It was very clearly a fucked if you do, fucked if you don’t situation for them all, and they were all at least 25 years younger than your grandma. There is not much advice or insight here, just… it doesn’t sound to me, from what you have said and what I saw my peers go through in the hospital, like it makes any sense at all to take your grandmother’s painkillers away. She would be likely suffering in one way or another with or without them.
Toasts! I’m late and I can’t sign into my normal account, but I have a question that I’m having trouble answering for myself about being in spaces that ‘aren’t for me.’
This weekend, as part of DragCon, Big Freedia is giving a concert. I really like her music and would like to go and dance my face off. But, as a cis, white, heterosexual woman, I kinda feel like I might be invading someone’s safe space?
My feeling of unease is probably exacerbated by the fact that I would be going alone and I wonder if that would make my presence weirder.
Big Freedia is New Orleans bounce. As in, she’s from here. Over here we just want you to enjoy the music Girl, go.
Shiiiiit, I am just now learning that her pronouns are she/her. Derp. Well, thank you for unintentionally educating me.
Omg Toasticles! I was waiting for the open thread to post about exciting life updates, but then I was very late. I want to talk about housing and who we live with and why.
My husband and I are moving. I haven’t moved in 5 years. We are leaving our big rented house for a smaller rented apartment, and won’t have roommates. This will be the first time I have not had roommates in more than 7 years. And I’m sad! I have loved loved loved many of my roommates (some others not as much).
My house has been a co-housing experiment for the last 5 years, and overall it has been an unqualified success. I have lived there with about 13 different people over the years, and it has been great. Our current roommates are my best friend and her partner, and it’s amazing. We throw dinner parties with such ease, working together so gracefully. Last night we had margaritas and tacos and my husband and I were on the balcony just getting ready to go downstairs to join the party and we saw our friend biking by and called to her and she stopped and called her partner and our party grew by 2 and it was just so lovely.
So, tell me your successful co-housing/roommate stories. Feed my pre-emptive nostalgia. Let’s discuss when living together is beautiful.
(New apartment story and musing on privilege in the comments.)
When we were very pregnant with our 2nd child (who will be 4 in fall) we enacted a plan to move in with a long-term friend, since he missed his college days of community living and some sort of co-housing has long been a dream of ours, and our marital partner was willing to give it a go.
Four years later we have just bought a HOUSE so this is looking like a very permanent situation, and our kids refer to him as another parent, which he seems pretty pleased by in his quiet super-laid-back way. It is lovely, lovely, lovely and I feel super lucky.
That is truly amazing! So lovely.
New apartment! It’s in a fabulous location, exactly where we wanted, and it’s a good size and newly reno-ed and a decent price and has both a dishwasher and ensuite laundry and is PET FRIENDLY and has ORIGINAL BUT REFINISHED PARQUET FLOORS – so basically it is a unicorn. It’s close to the beach and the big park and shopping and restaurants and I can walk to work in 25 minutes! OMG.
And the whole process made me acutely, painfully aware of our privilege. The real estate and rental market in our city (Vancouver) is actually bananas. It’s crazy. Prices are incredibly high, and landlords hold all the cards. If you have pets, your options are so limited.
My husband and I have good income, both work in real estate adjacent industries, have good credit scores, speak English, are charming, etc etc etc, can do things like peruse Craigslist at work and leave work for viewings at the drop of a hat. I can write a cheque for a deposit without any worry.
I was the first person to see our new apartment, and took it on the spot. My husband did his own Equifax report and emailed it to the manager right there and then. The manager literally told the next viewing appointment that the apartment was gone.
While obviously I’m happy about our place, I’m sick thinking about what this kind of market means for people who don’t have the massive stack of good fortune and privilege we have. So, yeah. I dunno. I want to live in this city forever, but I don’t want to live in this city when it’s like this – when it’s becoming less and less possible for people to be in. And I don’t know what that means for us, and what we can do to change these things.
Thanks for writing this out. My husband and I left Van about four years ago, because of stuff like this (and everything else about Vancouver, you know) and I feel so conflicted about it. Glad to see I’m not alone.
I feel similarly about recently having bought a home in the Austin market. I recognize that I’m extremely lucky to be well enough into a career at this point in time to be able to buy now, where for people who get there in a couple of years, they’ll need to be making just outrageous amounts of money to afford it. It bothers me that investors can casually make huge cash offers on homes they plan to flip when people who want an actual home to build their lives in are left struggling with a difficult market and rising rent prices. And all that’s true of people at comfortable income levels, for those making much less the options are obviously far worse.
This sounds so lovely! I would love to have a co-housing situation like this.
Also, ideas for a fun (but short) post-dissertation defense party? We were just going to have a big drunken burning of drafts but every person who has a firepit can’t host for various reasons and so now I am sullenly kicking rocks and trying to figure out something fun and kicky that we can just do at my apartment instead (keeping in mind that I will be tired and not in a mood to do a ton of work to prep for it).
Turn the drafts into origami and paper snowflakes? Or are they inconveniently bound?
They are NOT bound. That is maybe a thing that could happen.
The burning might still happen at a later date, because a LOT of us have shit we want to set on fire, but I still want to do something celebratory on Monday night so it doesn’t feel like total anti-climax.
Get people to pitch in on a small paper shredder?
Does anyone follow When You Work At A Museum? I love it, and I love their Museum Dance Off competition, and I am especially in love with Museum Victoria’s entry. Vote for them today! I hope they win.
http://www.whenyouworkatamuseum.com/post/14393871…
Every year, I try to get my museum to participate. We never quite get it together.
I’m hoping I can make mine do it next year! It will be my first time, and I’m already working on whipping up support. I think I have a few people interested.
This is my first mother’s day as a mother, and although I have organized a nice lunch for both sets of grandparents and an uncle to attend, what I ACTUALLY wish I could do is send everyone to have lunch with the baby without me so that I could nap unmolested for a few hours. That would be glorious.
Welcome to motherhood 🙂
You could ask for that! It’s your day! You already organized your own bash!
I’ve had five interviews in my field in the past ten days, last of which was this morning. I thought I’d be waaaaay into breathing a big sigh of relief at this point, but now I’m even more anxious than I was at the beginning of the process. Aughhhhh.
Hi all, I’d like to put out another advertisement for our Toast Dissertation support group. Anyone who is working on a dissertation is invited to join us for encouragement, support, and accountability (and off topic discussions of course!). We use Slack, and it’s free to make an account. If you’re interested, email me at my toast name at gmail to be added. Other academics and grad students are also invited!
I forgot to add that you can stay as anonymous as you want in the group, in case you are worried about that!
I did not get a grant I applied for and I think the reasons they rejected me are kind of bullshit so now I’m angry and shaking my fists at reviewers. I was going to say at least it’s Friday, but I’m doing experiments all weekend. GRAD SCHOOL.
(to be clear, I think there are plenty of reasons to question my project, but this was things like bringing up papers that I think are bullshit, harping on really specific controls that I am doing right now but did not make it into a very short research proposal, getting the institution I work for wrong. If you’re going to reject me, at least know where I work.)
I applied for an NRSA and they rejected me for probably good reasons, but what really stuck in my craw was when one of them went on and on about how I was a great candidate and the only negative they mentioned is that I made some Bs and a C in undergrad (my grad school GPA is a 3.95!!!) and then rated me as a 4. Dude reviewer it was organic chemistry, I can’t fix it okay?????!!!! How did one stupid thing knock me down so much???
Hello Toasts!
Looking for some commiserating / advice regarding DOGS-
On Monday my family pup suddenly took ill, we rushed her to the vet and it turns out she has 3 unidentified masses on her liver, a blocked gallbladder, and already was dealing with an enlarged heart.
For reference, she’s a small white dog who is almost 12.
Since then it’s been up and down, one day it looks like she’s in too much pain to go on, the next she’s wagging her tail and acting normal(ish)
We are finally able to get her to eat…but she’ll only eat fast food hamburgers which is better than nothing, but certainly not ideal.
Has anyone else had a pet in a similar predicament? It’s heartbreaking especially since the vet has not really offered much in the way of options or opinions. I mean, the receptionist at the vet office started crying when we came in to get her medicine the other day, so it’s not great. But it seems like she could have a few days or a few months left. It’s all so variable so I’m curious to hear other peoples experiences.
oh no your poor little friend 🙁
have you considered trying a new vet? I don’t have a lot of experience with vets, but if it was a doctor who was just like “yep you’re dying hope it doesn’t hurt much” then I would get a new doctor.
I was a bit too brusque describing my vet, I just got frustrated when he didn’t pull a rabbit out of his hat so to speak. As in “oh she’s really sick but here’s the magic cure!”
C’mon vets, don’t you have some sort of magical ability I don’t know about?
They’re doing what they can, and we’ve been doing a few last ditch things (like full day hospitalization). But due to her age and pre-existing conditions we don’t want to be too invasive. We considered going to a specialty doctor for biopsies and such but honestly they seem like they could do more harm than good!
No advice, but I want to offer commiseration to you and cuddles for your sweet doggie. That is so hard. I’m sorry.
Thanks <3
That is heartbreaking. My sympathy.
The family dog before the current one was diagnosed with kidney failure at the end of her life. Our vet’s very sensible advice was that it was our call when to end things, but the dog was not in pain and if we could get her to eat, she could have anywhere from two days to two months left. (They also discussed other treatment options, but the dog was a 17 year old medium sized mutt, and my parents were not keen on making her suffer to prolong what had until then been a long, healthy, idyllic dog life.) My mom kept at it with feeding her, and then one day, she said, the switch just clearly flipped: the dog was in pain, she wet the floor and didn’t try to get away from it, nothing tempted her appetite, she couldn’t seem to find a comfortable position to lay in. And for my mom, that was the signal that it was time to take her in and have her put to sleep. Sometimes there are not many options or a hard and fast opinion; it’s so personal. You know your dog, though. It sucks because you are on the hook for making the call, but you love her and you know her, and your sense of the situation will help you.
Much love to you and your pup.
Yes, that sounds very similar to our lil lady.
She’s not eating and at certain times definitely looks like she’s too uncomfortable to move, although today she’s fine. It seems to change from hour to hour.
EXACTLY being on the hook is such a strange situation because no one can really tell you what to do.
Thanks so much for your words of wisdom!
Much sympathy. It is hard to be a good pet parent.
My favorite strategy when I’m considering whether to run tests on my pets (who are both getting old and frail) is to ask the vet if the outcome of the tests is likely to change the way I’m treating the animal. If we test for cancer and find out it’s cancer, what are the treatment options? Am I willing to pursue them? It’s clarifying. For example, I’m not going to put my 18 year-old cat on dialysis, so there’s a limit to what I need to know about his kidneys.
I know it’s really hard. I’m staring down some tough decisions in the next couple of months.
After having a very polite but minimal relationship with my mother for my time in college, she has started doing things like mailing me cookies and calling me, and it makes me surprisingly angry. Like, I should want a better relationship with her, right? Why do these cookies make me so /mad/?
Happy almost mothers day, everybody.
Resentment for why she didn’t do these things before? Like you’re mad because it’s a “too little, too late” scenario? Or you feel weird about it because you don’t know why she’s being more involved NOW than she has before?
Does she (or anyone else in your family) have any history of strings-attached gifts?
Does it feel like this is about her opinion of herself, rather than about anything you especially want?
And, oof, those holidays earmarked for parents can be hell on those of use whose relationships with at least one parent is difficult or painful. Sending gentle thoughts and commiseration in your direction.
You don’t have to want a better relationship with her. It’s okay if you don’t. Or it’s okay if you do, but this is not what you want it to look like or how you thought it would start.
I do not have a good relationship with my father due to him being abusive (I’ve cut off contact with him but every once in awhile he tries to reestablish it), and whenever he would make a gesture of affection or concern I would feel really angry, like, no, you don’t get to feel like you’re the good parent who has a right to this role in my life.
Yeah. Just. That’s exactly it. (For me, at least)
Man I have no good answers but I am right there with you; just reading about this made my hackles go up.
Toasties, I am going on vacation next Friday, as my mother’s birthday gift to herself, and it is far away and for a long time and I am excited but also nervous and I am half-convinced my cats will die while I am away and I haven’t even made my packing list yet and I hurt myself last week so I haven’t cleaned up in a week and I’m still in some pain and a friend is coming home for a funeral so I am going to be so busy and because I don’t know what to do I am procrastinating it all and I feel crazy.
I have packing lists I use for international trips on google docs and ready for sharing if that’s the sort of thing that sounds handy. Sounds like you’re in the thick of the part of travel that turns me into a frantic mess- the “things are going to be happening soon and what if they’re different and I don’t even” bits. I love all the other parts of traveling- but the packing and getting there hit all my anxiety buttons. You’ll be on vacation soon!
Toasties I am filled with Shame. I don’t know if I can stay here any longer.
I misread the return date and my library book is overdue and I owe $1.25 in fines. <hangs head> And today is the late-opening day so I couldn’t rush down there to return my book and pay the fine as soon as I say the notice. I have to wait until after lunch!
I just paid like $10 in late fees this week. I am a jerk. I know this. But I WANTED TO FINISH THE BOOK.
It’s gonna be ok.
The library needs the money anyway. You’ll be okay.
This is always my excuse to myself when I have fines (usually less than $2, but still). I like to support the library in addition to my city taxes.
I actually have an annual $20 library fund- if I don’t pay it in fines by the end of the year I donate it. It’s just that I think I made it to 5 years running without having any fines at all!
I love this and may start doing it!
If it makes you feel any better, I racked up more than $100 in fines one semester in college. They told me I couldn’t check out books any more so I just spent all my time in the library hoping that no one would check out the ones I needed for my papers. Also, by the time that happened I had spent a year or two just paying down my fines below the cutoff so I could keep checking out books/ remain in good academic standing, so there were like a hundred different titles contributing to the amount. When I finally paid it all off the receipt was 6 feet long.
My hometown library tried to ban my poor Dad from taking out books because I had four books I had never returned, that had gotten lost in my cross-continental moves. And I had once been their golden child. Join me in Shame!
Oh that is HARD. I feel for you. I had to replace a book once and I’m pretty sure I wasn’t the person who ruined it but rather it was in the return slot and got rain dripped on it, but that’s fine, I’m happy to give them money.
I will take this opportunity to tell you my harrowing library fine story:
When I was in university, the library never ever charged fines, unless a book you had in your possession was recalled and you didn’t return it promptly. It was a pretty sweet system. (I don’t know if they still do this, I would assume so.) One year, my housemate and I wrote a column about our school’s history for our campus magazine. To do so, I checked out all 5 of the books about our university from the library in September and just kept them because return dates are rendered meaningless without fines. Also, we needed them every month anyway. (In hindsight, this is actually terrible. In my defense, they were also never recalled, so I don’t think anyone wanted them that badly).
Anyway, in December of that year I got a letter in the mail. It was written on neon orange paper and from the library saying I owed them $545 in fines. I returned them post-haste. I called the library the next day asking about paying my fine and the super-condescending librarian was like, “but you returned them.” It turned out it would only apply if I didn’t return them, which was not clear at all/not the way fines usually work. We needed them for January’s issue, but I made my housemate take them out. The End.
Except in this case, I always view library like a mandatory donation, if that makes you feel better.
I had this happen except I was at $6400 in fines…
oh god.
I currently have $2.40 in library fines and it’s been gently gnawing at me…
when I was in college, any lost book had the same lost-book-fee whether it was a $800 rare book or $8 “to kill a mockingbird” – like $80 or something per book, I forget now – and when I worked in circulation there were soooo many panicky students with their bills at the end of every term.
Were you at my local library, they’d probably dismiss that fine as pathetically small whenever you tried to pay it, dooming you to forever have a notice of your late fee on your account. So no worries!
(I currently owe 30 cents. It bothers me that my account status online says delinquent, but they really do get kinda eyerolly whenever I want to pay my small fines and I avoid contact with the circulation desk people as much as possible, so probably it’ll just stay delinquent until I get sufficiently bothered.)
They once forgot to take the hold off my account after I paid the fine and I had to call in a panic! I’m so lucky my library people are nice. I’m sorry yours aren’t. They should be nicer.
They aren’t mean, really, but it’s pretty clear that the library doesn’t necessarily screen for customer service skills when hiring. There have been some lovely, wonderful people but also many people who have made me feel like I was interrupting them in some vital task (that looks a lot like leaning on the desk and chatting with other employees) by presenting them with my books and library card.
Nice people definitely makes it all go better, though!
Once I loaned a library book to a friend right before she left on a trip to Australia, and it was six months before I got it back – by which time the library had declared it lost, and so I coughed up the $20 or whatever to replace it. And that is how I came to own a copy of Wishful Drinking.
Which is to say: You’ll be fine. <3
I tried this with Blockbuster when they thought I’d kept a movie once. They didn’t let you buy them a replacement! I was like- a) I didn’t lose your movie people and b) the library lets me buy them things to get out of trouble so why don’t you do that? They closed like a year later so it ended up being okay, but I worry about it turning up in my credit score or something.
Listen, the only reason I don’t owe this library thousands of dollars in late fees is because I work here and staff don’t accrue fines. It’s okay. Projected fees paid is a line in our operating budget, so we need some people to keep their books late!
That fine is so very small! We who check material out of public libraries do mostly return them on time. When we don’t we consider it fair and a donation to the public library system.
In a barely related fashion, New Orleans did this recently http://www.nola.com/politics/index.ssf/2015/05/ne….
Use your public library, it’s there for you.
I will admit to being That Library Patron who racks up fines until they suspend my card access, then pays it all off at once. I think you and your $1.25 are probably fine.
Thanks! I’m feeling much better today. Apparently it’s just an anxiety thing and once it’s fixed the relief is complete. Brains are weird.
I posted a question about losing my religion (kind of) in last week’s open thread, and then I wasn’t around to reply, and now I’m late to this one! So hopefully some of the generous and wise commenters who responded will see this. The process of writing that out publicly showed me that it’s been bothering me more than I really admit (I’ve never talked to anyone irl about it), and all the comments were incredibly helpful and thoughtful. I felt so lucky (blessed? jk, definitely not there yet) that so many people took the time to write such personal and kind responses, and I loved reading every one, and I’m sure I’ll read them many more times.
All of the recommended books are on my wishlist at the library, and this Sunday I’m going to a different kind of church. I’ve decided that this is important enough to me to at least explore it in a more intentional way, and if nothing ever comes of it, the comments also made me feel better about living with that. So much thanks to everyone who commented!!
BOATY MCBOATFACE IS DEAD
Long live Boaty McBoatface!
“Boaty McBoatface will live on as the name of one of the high-tech remotely operated sub-sea vehicles” on the main vessel.
Sub-sea is hardly a boat, though, now it just feels misnamed.
As I learned today, it is in fact more appropriately named! The original is a ship, not a boat, and according to wikipedia, “For reasons of naval tradition, submarines are usually referred to as ‘boats’ rather than ‘ships’, regardless of their size and shape.”
… ok fine I grudgingly accept that this is good, and I’m happy they kept the name, and it’s also nice they honored David Attenborough with the proper ship’s name
Take note it’s a very grudging happy, though
(thanks for that explanation though! learned something new about naval stuff today!)
I know it’s prooooobably too late in the open thread for many people to see this, but here goes anyway. I remember a discussion some time ago about dentists who are nice and do not shame/yell/scold, etc. I know my teeth are bad! I know what I should do, I just clearly am NOT WILLING to do it! Scoldings will not help! Ugh. I need to see somebody, but I am a-scared of the judgement.
Anyone have any recommendations for dentists in the NY area, or some kind of yelp for dentists where I could look for nice ones? Thanks!
I have no NY recommendations but regular yelp can work for this. Also, call them up, say, “I’d like to make an appointment but it’s been a while since I’ve seen a dentist. I cannot see a dentist who will judge or shame me for not seeing a dentist for a while. Do you have any dentists taking new patients who can work with that?” and if the receptionist is nice to you and then says yes, then book with them. If not, try another office.
Also some dentists now let you book appointments by email, if that is less stressful for you. (I love it when I don’t have to call to make an appointment.)
Where in NY are you? My dentist and his hygienists are not at all shame-y (I started going to them after 5 years without a dental visit and it was a revelation), but they are on Long Island, ~1 hr train from nyc.
I have no dentist suggestions to offer, but I’m sending all the ‘finding a good dentist’ vibes to you. I’m paying for my fear of being dentist-judged and my decade of avoidance now with $700 in dental work with a dentist I still don’t like very much. May your search work out!
i was in the same boat and had to find a new dentist. i decided on the areas that would be best for me to go to, and then read yelp reviews. my criteria was that they had to be 4.5 stars minimum, and if they cross-ref’d to my insurance, i’d read further if comments talk about bedside manner or say they’re good with dental-phobic people. i ended up finding this really great office and called to set stuff up and told them my partner and i are kinda dental-phobic and have had some weird experiences and are really looking for a friendly, upfront dentist, so they got all ready for us. they totally got it, we’ve each been there twice for cleanings and fillings, and we love them. it can be done!
http://www.yelp.com/biz/pasha-dental-brooklyn I went to this dentist in Brooklyn until I moved away, and everyone was super nice. I hadn’t been to the dentist for *years* when I first went there, and there was no scolding.
This is kind of late, but I was in a similar boat – I was scolded by the dentist years ago, which turned into severe dental anxiety, which meant that my teeth slowly rotted because I was too scared to go to the dentist. I am now going to the NYU Dental School clinic (getting cavity 8 out of 8 filled on Monday!) and I really like my student dentist there (they have faculty dentists observing everything so you’re still getting very good care) but obviously I can’t speak for everyone there. It’s a good choice if finances are an issue, though.
I will say that the thing that helped me the most was just being upfront with the dentist about my issues, like phlox mentioned. It turns out dentists are aware that dental anxiety is a major problem for people and good ones will work to make you feel comfortable, especially if you tell them this is something that’s keeping you from going to the dentist regularly. One of the first things I said to her was “I’m feeling really anxious about being here” and she’s been completely gentle and understanding throughout the process (though tbh she probably would have known even if I didn’t say anything, since I was also crying). Good luck!
I looked up how to embed gifs just in order to share this beauty, which I discovered today via Translators Anonymous and which makes me happier than it probably should. Who’s Jeff??
It has been an exhausting week and finally, finally it’s the weekend woop woop!
THIS IS AMAZING.
THIS IS THE BEST THING I SAW ALL DAY AND I SAW EIGHT DOGS ON MY LUNCH BREAK.
LITERALLY laughed out loud at “I don’t live in the kingdom of JONDOR”
Gackass!
You are doing the Lord’s work. One of my best friends says “jiff,” and she KNOWS it’s wrong but still does it, and we gently rib her about it occasionally, and I am sending this to her posthaste. Thank you.
I’ve been watching this over and over again throughout the day. Genius. (Ghenius, jenius.)
Coloring book is coming along, though very slowly these days because this has been the mother of Rough Weeks (family anxiety, relationship fight, terrible looming Sword of Damocles regarding both of these things, wheee). I did another page though (top image here https://www.behance.net/gallery/35871761/Coloring… and have another one in progress. Art is healing!
Also, weird sexual frustration stuffs, not helped by the fact that one of my panic-attack coping mechanisms is reading fanfic. Lots of fanfic. Lots of Carry On fanfic shamelessly shipping two pretty boys together, in which one of the principal characters reminds me a great deal of someone I know IRL but who is Off Limits.
Also… Dear Prudence this week zoooooomg
This is lovely, are you planning on selling it when it’s done?
Thank you! Yes, I am- I haven’t quite figured out how to do it (easiest is self-publish on Amazon but I might try to publish the other way). Right now I’m focusing on producing pages but I’ll figure it out eventually.
I don’t know much about Amazon publishing, but I know Etsy has infrastructure in place for selling downloadable/printable content if you don’t want to deal with the hassle of keeping stock. Good luck! Please let us know when it goes on sale!
Thank you! I actually didn’t know that about Etsy: I’ll check it out. And I will keep everyone posted! 😀
I could use some serious life advice, and I have a lot of respect for this community and I feel fairly safe here (I’ve gotten good advice in the past), so I would appreciate some feedback if anyone has time and maybe some experience in this area:
I just got out of a long, disastrous relationship and I feel like I am at a crossroads. I have been dating men for the past eleven years, and I am frankly sick of them. It always seems like I get to this point where I get to the end of what that person has to offer me and it doesn’t seem like enough: not enough passion, not enough compatibility, not enough intellectual connection, not enough something.
Ever since my break up, I have been having erotic dreams about women. I have never dated a woman; I kissed a female friend in college once while we were both drunk and had dreams about it for a while, and I have always found women attractive, but I enjoy sex with men (at least, sometimes I do–I tend to have sex-related anxiety leading to some physical discomfort, and men aren’t always that careful) and I have for all intents and purposes always considered myself straight. I am not so sure anymore. It doesn’t help that I have a very conservative background and sex has always been fraught with anxiety and guilt for me.
My question is, how do I explore this side of myself without essentially experimenting with another person’s feelings? I feel like I can picture myself falling in love with a woman, but how do I know if I am actually bisexual, or just fetishizing how the other half lives because I am so dissatisfied with the men I have met? I would like to try dating women, but I don’t know how, or if it would be responsible of me to bring anyone else into this period of self-discovery. Any advice?
(Side note: I don’t currently have insurance that would cover therapy, although I am sure I could use counseling after the break-up I just went through, but I will definitely look into it when it becomes an option.)
Perhaps some data points will help? I spent several years wondering if I was really bisexual and it turned out that I most definitely was (or most definitely did really like women–I am now re-considering men, but that’s a whole nother story).
If you have always found women attractive, you… pretty dang clearly find women attractive! Which puts you miles ahead of where I was at during my bi struggle. If you can imagine falling in love with a woman, signs also point to bisexuality. The fact that you’re thinking about it so much is also a pretty good indicator that it’s a thing that is happening for you.
Of course, comprehending and being comfortable in one’s identity happens at its own pace, so it may take you some time to feel sure of where you stand. Please try not to rush it, as un-fun as the uncertainty is.
The best / fairest way to begin dating women is to be upfront about the fact that you don’t have experience with it, and that it is new for you. That gives potential partners the information that they need about embarking on a relationship with you.
Another useful tool for self-discovery without involving another person is to consume media (novels, fanfiction, comics, movies, etc.) containing f/f relationships. You might see yourself, or a potential future for yourself, in them.
Thank you for the reply! I definitely gravitate toward media depicting f/f relationships (especially love it when femslash shows up here on the Toast!), I guess I didn’t realize how simple it is: be attracted to women+be attracted to men=bisexual. Now I just need to learn the secret handshake…
I love your advice about consuming media with f/f relationships. When I was younger I could picture myself in a relationship with a man, but it was hard to picture myself with a woman, even though I knew I was attracted to them. I have come to realize that this must have been because I had very little representation to show me what that might look like, and thank goodness I dated women anyway and figured it out, because I have had some great relationships with women and am glad I am not missing out on that.
I don’t necessarily have good advice, but merely wish to acknowledge you and share that I have felt something like what you seem to be feeling. I tried the online dating thing with women last year, which was ok but nothing really came of it. Especially if you go the online dating route, it’s easy to be relatively upfront about these things and let people filter themselves out.
I know there’s a *thing* about straight girls leading on queer girls, and I don’t deny that it’s frustrating and really terrible for anyone to intentionally lead someone on. However, isn’t dating essentially experimenting with another person’s feeling, straight or otherwise? I don’t mean to sound flippant, but it doesn’t necessarily hurt to go on a few low-pressure dates. If you decide it’s not for you, no harm, it was just a couple dates.
I hope someone with better advice than me is still around for OT, cause I’d like to hear someone else’s take, too! (also, I FEEL YOU about being raised conservatively and having a lot of mixed-up feelings about sex & sexuality. uhg.).
Thank you for the reply, I’m glad this isn’t as unusual a situation as I had feared. And you’re totally right, technically I was kind of experimenting with all of my exes. I’m a very honest (possibly to a fault) person, so no woman who gets involved with me will do so under false impressions, I can promise that. And as for the the conservative background+sexuality combination, again, thanks for the solidarity–it is insane how deep that shit goes, like, sometimes I think my body needs a therapist…
Bisexual here! The Ask A Queer Chick column that used to be on the Hairpin had some great advice for this situation (it was a really common question), I recommend looking through them, or reading the book the author put out by the same name.
It is super common to not have your orientation figured out, so even though there are some individuals in the queer community who have appointed themselves as police officers of who gets to identify as what, there are a lot of women who have been where you are and will be able to relate. I think all you can do is be up-front with whoever you’re dating about what you are looking for and what you can offer (online dating is great for this because you can say a bit about your situation in your profile and jerks or people who know they can’t handle dating someone who isn’t sure of their orientation can self-select out).
The only way to find out if you want to date women is to try it. And there’s nothing wrong with not knowing. There’s a lot of cultural messages that can fuck with our ability to sort this shit out. Good luck!
Thank you! I am now deeeeep in the archives of Ask A Queer Chick…
I feel like Lindsay King-Miller (or maybe Mallory/Prudie?) answered a questions just like this really recently, but: as long as you are upfront about what you want from a potential kissing/sexing/dating partner, and don’t pretend you want to buy a house and a dog and start a family with someone you just want to make out with, you’re firmly on ethical ground.
If you hook up with someone and decide you’re not feeling it, I think it’s okay to say that without necessarily explaining your place in your sexuality journey if you don’t want to. It’s no one else’s business who you have or have not dated or sexed or whatever, unless you choose to make it their business.
There’s a whole lot of stigma out there about bi / queer / non-monosexual women (especially coming from other women who date women!) that we will seduce you and make you fall in love with us and then leave you FOR A MAN!! or whatever which is bullshit. Make your desired level of involvement as clear as you can / makes sense, and have at it, imo.
Thank you for the reply! Being honest is definitely my style, hopefully that won’t completely empty my dating pool. I don’t think I realized I had absorbed so much anti-bi stigma until I started feeling like I might identify that way myself, and it immediately turned into self-stigmatizing, if that is a thing. Thank you for the reassurance!
Okay, so, here is my two cents. I have seen SO MUCH of this worry about bringing a potential same-sex romantic partner into one’s own emotional journey, but how is that any different if it’s a woman instead of a man? Isn’t all dating an experiment to see if you could fall in love with the person? When you go on a first date with a guy, you’re seeing if you click, if you find him attractive, if you want to interact with him more. It can be the exact same with a woman.
I think “experimenting” gets such a bad rap among the queer community (especially the women), and I totally don’t agree with that. All dating is an experiment. That said, if you do decide to try and meet women, I would recommend being up front that you’ve mostly dated men and are new to dating women. It’s possible that will put some women off, but biphobia is crap and you are definitely not hurting anyone if you’re honest from the beginning.
Yeah this to me is kind of nuts, its like saying no one should ever sleep with a virgin or something. How on earth would people ever move over to figuring out their sexual attractions without trying them out? For any sexual desire you have to have a first time….
For what it’s worth as a point of evidence, I’m a woman who considers herself very straight and I have had some similar experiences to you- some real bad dating with men, a time I kissed a girl in college, one or two dreams where I was having sex with a woman, but unlike you, in each instance it just…didn’t go anywhere in my mind towards wanting to be with women or wondering if that’s what it meant. I think those of us who are all the way over on one side or the other of the Kinsey scale…you just don’t have a lot of doubts?
I think if you were completely straight you wouldn’t feel much desire to pursue women as some kind of experiment. Just the thought process you are having seems to me like enough of a reason to go check it out. I think be ethical when you date as people have suggested, and maybe it’s good to find out how women you date feel about dating someone new to it, not because it’s some deep secret to reveal, but just that you’d want to be with someone who hasn’t got an issue with that, just like…if you were a virgin, you might want to tell someone if it matters to you that they are nice to you.
My advice is to not overthink it. You think women are attractive, you’re only sometimes into banging dudes, you can imagine falling in love with a woman. You should date women. If it turns out you’re not into it, well, now you know.
Like, if you start dating rich older women and let them buy you expensive things and tell them you’re totally in love with them when you’re not, then you’re leading them on. But if you go on a date with a lady and you say “I’ve only dated dudes before, this is new for me” then I feel very strongly that you’re in the clear.
I had my first counseling appointment ever on Wednesday (I was very scared), and it was WONDERFUL! In the past few months I’ve made Really Significant progress after a couple dark and difficult years. I’m really, really proud of myself and wanted to share it with someone removed from the situation. So I did, and it was a great experience!
Yay! Counseling is so great, and I love being able to talk to someone who is emotionally detached from the things I’m talking about.
People in poly relationships: how do you manage posting on social media (e.g. posting pictures of you and your partners, or tagging partners in posts)? My girlfriend and I are negotiating this right now and I never knew I had so many feelings about Facebook, but wow, I have several journal pages full of feelings about it.
I don’t post pictures of my partners and I doing anything that reads as undeniably “couple-y” on social media. (Standing with each other at events? Dancing together? Yes! Kissing each other? Declaring our love for each other via status? Absolutely not!) I tag them in posts just as I would a platonic friend. All of my partners are listed as “it’s complicated” or “single” on Facebook, and I don’t have a relationship status listed at all. This would possibly change if I had a single primary partner, whom I might then loosen this restriction for. As a currently solo poly person, this system works for me.
It’s probably worth noting, though, I haven’t been one to post overtly couple-y pictures on Facebook since I had my first breakup in the social media age and had to do the awkward, “So, do I delete all the pictures of us together? Just untag us? Leave them as a monument to our former relationship?” dance.
Can I ask what you’re currently wrestling with here?
My policy:
1) No listed relationship status at all.
2) Appearing together in photos is fine.
3) Posting stuff like, “This made me think of you! *heart*” is fine, but none of that overly sappy, “OMG BEST BOYFRIEND EVAR” stuff. (I’m temperamentally disinclined to that stuff anyway.)
Basically, I don’t try to pretend my other partners don’t exist on FB. I’m just low-key about it. My partners are similarly low-key.
Thank you! I like your description of low-key but not pretending partners don’t exist, that is about what I’m seeking.
I consider myself solo poly, but I never post on Facebook, so I don’t give it the same weight other people might (not in a snobby way – I just haven’t done it much historically and now I worry that if I suddenly start people will notice and pay attention to me and that would be terrible). Anyway. The dude I’m dating will post pictures of us (or things we did where I’m tagged) but without saying other than “had a great time with Fringehead this Saturday!” He’s super-sappy in texts, but keeps the Facebook presence much more neutral, which I appreciate. If I ever felt like he was hiding me, though, or uncomfortable “admitting” we were out together, it would be a different thing.
Longtime reader here, only recently started commenting, and I have a couple of questions:
1. Is there a group somewhere for connecting with Twin Cities (MN) toasties?
2. Is there a group of Toast mothers somewhere online? I have decided that I need to stop reading articles about parenting etc on the internet, in order to not go insane, but I still kind of want to read/talk about parenting things? Except with people who are not excessive internet parenting message board people.
How do you feel about podcasts? I’m really enjoying One Bad Mother lately (although I started listening to it for the pregnancy bits in the early episodes)- if the podcast seems like your jam I think they have (moderated) facebook groups. They also did a very thoughtful podcast on online communities at some point that makes me hopeful that the facebook groups might not be full of toxic sludge.
Longest Shortest Time is another lovely parenthood podcast- it’s more storytelling focused since the creator comes out of the NPR/ This American Life family. They also have facebook groups, apparently.
Disclaimer- not yet a parent, although I can certainly vouch for the pregnancy episodes from both podcasts- they’re great!
Hi! I’m in the twin cities, too. I don’t know if any Toasty meet ups. Could we make one somehow?
Does anyone want to meet?
hey i’m another toastperson in the twin cities area!
‘Can You Not PAC is a political action project that aims to dis/empower and dis/incline people in positions of privilege, specifically straight white men, from ambitions of running for office in progressive urban districts. We challenge brogressives and others to reject any notion that they are uniquely qualified or positioned to seek political office in districts that don’t need them. As well-represented white dudes, we feel it is our obligation to know when to shut up and Not.
‘The Can You Not PAC was started by white men, for white men, asking white men that one important question: “Bruh, can you not?” We are happy to host interventions for the misguided bros in your life who looked in the mirror this morning and thought “yeah, it’s gotta be me.”’
http://www.canyounot.org/
This is my favorite PAC ever. Possibly the only one I’ve ever liked.
There is also a PAC that was originally called the “Trump Has Tiny Hands PAC” until Trump sued them. It is now called the “Americans Against Insecure Billionaires with Tiny Hands PAC.”
I like that one too.
I’m moving into my own place this weekend, which is great, but I am having a mini-panic event at my desk at the present. This is partly due to moving stress, and partly due to a person who is very dear to me struggling with intense self-loathing, self-harm urges, and self-sabotage.
There’s not a lot I can do for Dear Person. They need more mental health care than they are getting. And I don’t do well with hearing anyone, but especially loved ones, talk about how much they hate themselves; it sets off bad brain for me in turn.
I have moving stuff to do after work. I need to get it together ._.
Seeking recommendations…
I’ve been reading about Harriet Tubman and the Underground Railroad recently, and wondered if anyone knows of any books (or documentaries, etc.) that address former slaves’ experiences once they crossed the border and settled in Canada.
I know that Tubman had links to St. Catharines, Ontario and guided a number of people there, but I haven’t been able to find too much about their lives in Canada.
Thanks for any help!!
I read one a few years ago, it may have been:
The Refugee, Or, The Narratives of Fugitive Slaves in Canada
Drew, Benjamin
Potentially also called:
A North-side View of Slavery
The Refugee; Or, The Narratives of Fugitive Slaves in Canada Related by Themselves. With An Account of the History and Condition of the Colored Population of Upper Canada
I’m not sure about St. Catharine’s but these sources may be of use:
Hepburn, Sharon. “Crossing the Border from Slavery to Freedom: The Building of a Community at Buxton, Upper Canada.” American Nineteenth Century History 3 (Summer 2002): 25-68.
Drew, Benjamin. A North-Side View of Slavery. The Refugee: Or The Narrative of Fugitive Slaves in Canada. Related by Themselves, with an Account of the History and Condition of the Colored Population of Upper Canada. Boston: J.P. Jewett, 1856.
Henson, Josiah. The Life of Josiah Henson, Formerly a Slave, Now an Inhabitant of Canada, as Narrated by Himself. Boston: Arthur D. Phelps, 1849.
Silverman, Jason. “’We Shall Be Heard!’: The Development of the Fugitive Slave Press in Canada.” Canadian Historical Review 65 (March 1984): 54-69.
It’s fiction, but loosely based on real experiences of the Black Loyalists during the Revolutionary War, The Book of Negroes by Lawrence Hill (also called Someone Knows My Name). It was also made into a miniseries, which was quite good.
More on what the Book of Negroes was: http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/aia/part2/2h58.html
Grey Roots Museum Northern Terminus project has a lot of archival material and links to books and film resources about former slaves settling in Grey and Bruce counties in Ontario. Farming was brutally hard but the stories are fabulous. The website shows up if you Google it.
Thank you all so much!! I’m going to look all these up.
I’m late to the Open Thread because my boyfriend and I spent the afternoon hiking 20 km around a lake (it seemed like a good idea when we started)! We made it and are now spending the afternoon lying on the couch guilt-free and wistfully staring at that cake, hoping it will appear in our kitchen. Is anyone still here? What adventures did you get up to this week?
I don’t know if it really counts as an adventure, but I hooked up a washer and dryer in my basement this week! Without looking up any tutorials! AND I am currently wearing clothing I washed in my own house. (Okay, so maybe this shouldn’t feel like an accomplishment, but. Well. The bar is a bit low, for me, these days.)
I did not walk that much. I love that feeling of lying around completely guilt-free, though!
Blah, I have two books on hold at the library and today’s the last day to pick one of them up. But (as some of you may remember) my foot is broken, and so picking them up seems like an impossible endeavor. I mean, I can probably do it, but it’s just going to take so much energy compared to how much it would usually take. Ughhh.
Oh, call them and explain that you broke your foot and can’t get there! They might be willing to extend the pickup period for you.
Yeah, definitely call! They may have a strict policy, but on the other hand, they might not! I think at my library we’re technically not supposed to do that, but since I don’t work in the circulation department, if you called me I’d probably just do it for you and play dumb later 😉
It’s my biiiiirrrrrtttthhhdddaaaaaayyyy! Taking the day off and enjoying myself. That is all.
Happy biiiiiirttttthdddddaaaaaaaaayyyyyyy!
I am drunk. I am on an assignment in Vienna with my boyfriend. We are sharing a hotel room. He was supposed to be here 30 minutes ago. He is not here. We have two full days of work ahead and I want to go the fuck to sleep. He’s not answering my tests. Where the fuck is he? I hate him. I should just go to sleep. I hate how he makes me feel: a controlling killjoy with no spontaneity.
On the plus side, Vienna is gorgeous.
Not to get all Dear Prudence on ya, but is this a reoccuring theme in your relationship or a one-off? Because if this dynamic repeats, and you feel like a “controlling killjoy” when you just want to know where he is, when you’re both working on assignment away from home at night (which is reasonable), there’s something up.
If it’s just a rage of the moment, I hope a solid Viennese breakfast and some aspirin help out this morning and you kill your assignment.
Guys I just wrote my last qualifying exam. And it was the worst and the professor asked me questions that we had NOT talked about and so I didn’t study for but I’m AWESOME and I know my shit so I think I did pretty well but I might still have to write a revision this summer we’ll see.
The things we put ourselves through for the sake of low-paying jobs and unreasonable student loan payments, is what I’m saying. Hashtag PhDLyfe.
Hi. I know that this comment will be on page eleventy but I just wanted to shout that my federal agency just put out a training video on Discrimination.
It covers: non gender-based dress codes, appropriate terminology for Trans folks, and how not to be a dickbag to gender no conforming folks.
So yay. It will probably not fix the douchebros in fire camp but it’s a start.
Is it internal, or can we watch it?
I have a Learned League referral as a prize for a lucky open-thread latecomer.
Also, my beloved might have a work trip to Sendai that I could tag along on. Anyone have any tips for visiting that part of Japan? So far, the biggest draw I’ve seen is the nearby cat island.
I was the lucky latecomer who snagged your last referral and I just wanted to say thanks! It has totally taken over my life and my friends are sick of hearing about trivia, but I’m having a blast.
Yay! I’m glad you’re enjoying it.
How much of your life does it take up? I’m very interested but also very busy.
It doesn’t have to take up much of your life. You do have to commit to submitting answers to 6 questions every weekday for 5-6 weeks. But, that can mean you just answer what you know when you first read the questions and it’s done in 2 minutes, or it can mean reading the questions, then pondering them most of the day, then submitting them later, so it might take over your thoughts.
Not sure what god I angered but IntenseDebate replies are no longer showing up in my email…so if you need anything from me you’ll have to come flick me in the ear.
Same thing happened to me recently, and then I found them in my spam folder. I never check it so I didn’t realize it was happening.
I know I am very late to this but I really need some suitable feminist/misandrist rage. I had to bite my tongue during a conversation in which an adult family member (a woman! that we live with!) told my younger sister (18) that if she were drinking with a guy/at his house and got raped, it would be her fault. I’m avoiding details and for Reasons can’t properly yell at this person, but I am SO. MAD. Oh, and apparently even though she said that and repeatedly said that victims were as responsible as perpetrators, it’s unacceptable for me and my sister to refer to her as not being a feminist. Sorry I missed the part where “is rape your fault” was filed under “minor disagreement” and not “fundamentally unacceptable.”
Ugh ugh ugh.
Morning cocktails are in order – Sadiq’s the new Mayor of London, Boris is finally friggin’ out (probably to wreck destruction somewhere else, but give us this), Zac Goldsmith is crying somewhere, and the Tories might even slightly regret running a nasty, racist campaign.
This just about makes up for UKIP winning seats. Unlike seemingly everyone else, I’m not worried about the Labour losses in Scotland, they make total sense in context. I am worried about Labour continuing on with the in-fighting and ignoring the anti-Semitism issues they badly need to wrangle with, but none of that is news. #YesWeKhan.
Yay, I’m so glad the Tories’ gross smear campaign didn’t work. Marvin Rees (Labour) just won in Bristol too – our old mayor is an out-of-touch rude posh boy.
So last night I got too drunk and totally humiliated myself around people I wanted to be friends with, and now I feel shitty mentally and physically. Not what I needed to finish off a week that’s pretty much been devoted to feeling bad about myself.
The thing is, I find social situations hard, and alcohol really helps with that. But once I start drinking, I don’t want to stop, because it feels great… until it doesn’t.
It’s not like I’m an alcoholic, because I can go for weeks or months without drinking sometimes. I just have this problem with self-control.
🙁
Sounds like it might help to set a nightly limit, so you never have to think about it again, you just know, even if already tipsy: Invisible Kiwi always stops at 4 beers, or 3 cocktails, or whatever the case may be — it’s like a law of physics — there are no more than 4 beers per night, it is not possible, period. If you give this rule total finality in your mind — absolute, reigning power — then you don’t have to think or make a decision or even exert much willpower — you just know you Cannot Drink More.
Generally my life is JUST FINE but I have a frustrating First World Problem. I’ve been seeking assessment for my young child’s behaviour/social issues for over a year, and met the psychologist who will do the assessment. I really think that ASD is part of the picture for my kid (I work in a related field and work with lots of kids with ASD). I have also begun to believe that I have ASD, and that it was missed when I was a child. I’m a woman, I have a good job, I “pass” socially (except for when people are looking more closely or know what ASD can look like in women). I disclosed my own history to the psychologist who (having talked with me for 5 minutes) said, “You don’t seem like you have ASD. You can modulate your tone in conversation.” WHAT THE WHAT. NO. THAT IS NOT HOW TO PSYCHOLOGIST. It felt dismissive and disappointing.
SO I am stressed because I don’t want to pursue diagnosis for my child with a professional who seems somewhat unaware of the subtlety of ASD in females. Should I be the parent who seeks additional opinions and seems like they are shopping for a diagnosis? Should I pull the plug on assessment and wait until the symptoms in my kid are either more obvious or resolve somewhat in time? ARGH. There is a very limited number of professionals in my small city so it’s not easy to get another opinion. HELP.
As an adult woman who was recently diagnosed on the high-functioning side of ASD, I’d say go with your gut when it comes to picking out a psychologist. You’re not comfortable with that psychologist for a good reason – if that’s what they told you after speaking with you for such a short time then they most definitely do not have the most up-to-date knowledge about how ASD can present in women.
I’d definitely look for a psychologist who specialized in adults AND children with ASD. It’s really rare to find ones who are literate in how high-functioning women with ASD present, unfortunately, and it may take a lot of effort to find one. I was really fortunate and happened on my psychiatrist by a happy mixture of intuition and luck.
I think that, for your own peace of mind, you should pursue a possible diagnosis for yourself first. If you do have ASD it is super important that you put your own oxygen mask on first. Knowing exactly how ASD manifests in you and how to effectively navigate any sensory or social issues you have will be paramount to helping your child with theirs.
Regardless, you are being an awesome mom to be so proactive about you and your child’s mental health and wellness. I hope this helps and if you have any questions, please feel free to email me at: bookishbroadtoastie at gmail dot com. Best of luck!
This does help a lot. I waffle a lot over the value of diagnosis for my family so it is good to hear from someone who has been down this path. Thank you for taking the time to reply!
As an adult woman who was recently diagnosed on the high-functioning side of ASD, I'd say go with your gut when it comes to picking out a psychologist. You're not comfortable with that psychologist for a good reason – if that's what they told you after speaking with you for such a short time then they most definitely do not have the most up-to-date knowledge about how ASD can present in women.
I'd definitely look for a psychologist who specialized in adults AND children with ASD. It's really rare to find ones who are literate in how high-functioning women with ASD present, unfortunately, and it may take a lot of effort to find one. I was really fortunate and happened on my psychiatrist by a happy mixture of intuition and luck.
I think that, for your own peace of mind, you should pursue a possible diagnosis for yourself first. If you do have ASD it is super important that you put your own oxygen mask on first. Knowing exactly how ASD manifests in you and how to effectively navigate any sensory or social issues you have will be paramount to helping your child with theirs.
Regardless, you are being an awesome mom to be so proactive about you and your child's mental health and wellness. I hope this helps and if you have any questions, please feel free to email me at: bookishbroadtoastie at gmail dot com. Best of luck!