Bunny babby.
This Game of Thrones recap is killing me:
Down in Dothrakiville, everyone is playing drums and having sex in public, because this is the extremely nuanced way in which Game of Thrones deals with race. “I wish I’d been born a Dothraki!” announces Daario, which is the Game of Thrones version of “Oh my god, I love your hair, can I touch it?”
This is impossibly sad and infuriating and HORRIBLY UPSETTING and about the experience of being a person whose spouse is being very publicly brutalized and then having to tell your kids about it before some asshole on the playground does:
“Raif,” I said, “the whole world is talking about your fate.” I took a deep breath. “The children know about it, too.” Again the tears came. “There was nothing I could do about it. Believe me, I would rather have spared them all that too.”
This time Raif’s reaction was very understanding. He didn’t level any accusations at me. “You’re doing what you can. It’s all my fault,” he said. “How are they?” “They’re strong,” I lied, “and full of fight.” “Did you expect anything else? They’re your children after all.”
Okay, I’m going to put the other gut wrench piece today right next to the first one so you can figure out how to proceed:
The term syndemics was coined by Merrill Singer, a medical anthropologist at the University of Connecticut. Singer was working with injecting drug users in Hartford in the 1990s in an effort to find a public health model for preventing HIV among these individuals. As he chronicled the presence of not only HIV but also tuberculosis and hepatitis C among the hundreds of drug users he interviewed, Singer began wondering how those diseases interacted to the detriment of the person. He called this clustering of conditions a ‘syndemic’, a word intended to encapsulate the synergistic intertwining of certain problems. Describing HIV and hepatitis C as concurrent implies they are separable and independent. But Singer’s work with the Hartford drug users suggested that such separation was impossible. The diseases couldn’t be properly understood in isolation. They were not individual problems, but connected.
Singer quickly realised that syndemics was not just about the clustering of physical illnesses; it also encompassed nonbiological conditions like poverty, drug abuse, and other social, economic and political factors known to accompany poor health. “Syndemics is embedded in a larger understanding about what’s going on in societies,” he said when I spoke to him. Singer dubbed the syndemic he’d observed in Hartford ‘SAVA’, short for substance abuse, violence and HIV/AIDS. In the past ten years, several medical anthropologists have pursued syndemics theory in other contexts. Emily Mendenhall, who studies global health at Georgetown University’s School of Foreign Service, has described a syndemic of type 2 diabetes and depression among first- and second-generation Mexican immigrant women in Chicago. She named that syndemic ‘VIDDA’, short for violence, immigration, depression, diabetes and abuse, the constellation of epidemics the women were experiencing. “The people who get affected by any given disease, it’s not random,” said Bobby Milstein, a public health scientist, today at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, who founded the now-defunct Syndemics Prevention Network at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. “It happens systematically with certain people who are placed in conditions of vulnerability that are not entirely under their own control.” As Andrea Gielen, who directs the Center for Injury Research and Policy at Johns Hopkins University, explained to me: “Everything works together. To be in silos delivering one thing for one problem, another thing for another problem, is not as effective as stepping back, looking at the whole person, and addressing the complexity of needs in an integrated way.”
We’re in West Oakland driving past the old Wonder Bread factory where Marcus Peters, who is riding shotgun, recalls hearing stories of how badly black employees were treated. Peters, who’s been mentored by Lynch and calls him a cousin, is a cornerback for the Kansas City Chiefs and was the NFL defensive rookie of the year last season.
We pass DeFremery Park where guys play basketball. Everywhere we go, heads turn because the music is bumping. And because we’re in Johnson’s black Tesla Model P85D. Little Josh is asleep in the back.
Johnson stops to talk to a group of women sitting on lawn chairs near 24th and Chestnut. Rilisha Jones offers to do my hair for me and gives me her card. She had a feeling Lynch was going to make it big in high school, she says, and wanted to snuggle up to him, “but we turned out to be family,” she said, laughing.
open this marriage over mount. fuckin. doom. and shake it until he falls out:
My husband is active duty, deployed military, and we have not lived together for some time. We’ve had issues in our marriage that we committed to working on together when he returns this fall. While apart, we have stayed in constant daily contact until recently. I sensed my husband was forming an attachment to someone else, which he admitted when I asked him about it. I told him that as long as this new thing did not interfere with our relationship, I was OK opening our marriage. He responded that I didn’t have anything to worry about. Only one week later, he blew me off during our regular time to talk. I asked—he did not offer—and he confirmed that he was not there because he had started a physical relationship with this other person. Not only that, but they had made plans for the remainder of her time there and travel plans to meet for a week in June.
I was devastated, and it felt like he cheated on me. When I brought up my feelings of discomfort, he insisted he had nothing to apologize for and accused me of trying to renegotiate our open relationship—trying to put him back in a cage. He assured me that I am still the primary relationship and that he will be coming home to work on “us,” but he’s also indicated that he wants to keep this other person in his life. He’s assured me she is not a threat, but all of his actions are telling me otherwise. While I’m not opposed to an open marriage in principle, I don’t feel like I can trust him when it comes to her because he has not been honest with me. He hasn’t lied when I asked, but I feel like he has lied by omission, and in some ways this is worse because of the trust I showed him. Is it possible to cheat in an open relationship? Am I lying to myself that we still have a marriage to salvage?
This is a fragment of one of the many, many comments left by a particularly enraged Sebastian Stan Stan on Mallory’s Bucky piece, using several different emails and burner accounts, addressing the fact that Bucky was not wearing a wig:
daily re-post to get the word out:
Toast Post Summer Care Package Exchange!
If you would like to participate, please email the following info to toastsummerexchange(at)gmail(dot)com:
-Your name and address
-Your username here, if you’d like to share it
-Care package preferences/interests
-Any allergies that might be applicable
-Oh, please note if you’re okay mailing internationally (I am going to try to mostly match people to others in their same country, but I’ll see how it goes.)
I’m thinking a small box of care package items such as snacks, books, fun bath products, stickers… If you send me your info, I will match you with another person.
I will probably start emailing people their matches next week.
I am so excited for this!
Thanks for organizing this! Have you mentioned anywhere what kind of cost range we’re looking at? I think that would be helpful. I don’t want to go too big or too small! People can spend whatever they want, obviously, but having some “official” cost ceiling would help us keep these packages on the same level 🙂
Seconding this!
I haven’t seen it mentioned anywhere, but I was myself thinking of spending about $20, plus making some things and seeing what I could scrounge up around the house (you know, expired coupons, half-eaten chocolates – all the best things!).
Good question! I’ve been thinking about this, but forgot to ever like… put it in a post. This is my first time running something like this, so it’s a learning experience.
About $20 or so? I’ll note that in the emails I send out with your matches.
Thank you for organizing this!
Thanks so much for organizing this! Looking forward to it!
Just emailed you! Thanks for setting up!
Thanks so much for doing this! I am very excited!
All the care packages from UK Toasties are automatically going to be amazing because just look at the stamps that Royal Mail released yesterday:
(Hat tip to my mother’s partner for that information because he is the best and most wonderful Dad Magazine target reader who stockpiles stamp editions relevant to our shared interests (dogs and trains) for when he has to post things to me, but who also emails me photos of stamp combinations that he’s particularly proud of before he posts them).
SO CUTE!!!
My grandfather has been gone for a few years now, but the shrink-wrapped John Wayne stamps he bought me for no apparent reason shall life forever.
‘This article is full of false information and portrays it as reality’ oooh boy is this person going to be furious when they find out about the concept of fiction.
Do you think this was their first time visiting the internet?
screw you Captain America is real and my friend
We’re going camping this summer
I wish I had the passion of a Deleted Commenter. As it happens if I read something I disagree with I just close the tab and get on with my life. Imagine if we were all that passionate. The Internet would fall apart.
I can’t imagine the kind of energy it takes to be an internet troll. I can barely summon up the enthusiasm to get out of bed, be a productive member of society and try to be an adult all at the same time. We should see if there is any way to use trolls as a renewable source of energy- they seem to have extra to spare.
They’re all white guys. They have the energy to spare because they’re not spending it on all the shit that the rest of us deal with.
We should see if there is any way to use trolls as a renewable source of energy
Renewable? Eh. I’m fine with just burning them like coal.
Good point, well made!
The only things in the world with such a high level of energy are small children and internet trolls. Probably because they are pretty much one and the same.
Which is particularly funny, because when my 2 year old finds a video on youtube she doesn’t like, she just picks a different one, instead of having a rage fit and spewing invective all over the place.
As someone who loves children, I have to object. Sure, kids are obnoxious, but their brains are literally still developing. They are capable of learning and growing. Trolls, on the other hand, are just jerks who should know better but refuse. Or possibly sentient raccoons.
just think of the trolling you could do if you stayed in bed and weren’t productive and adult-like!
every so often i’ll get really worked up about something (usually on tumblr) and start typing out some kinda rant but 9.99 times out of 10 i get burned out part way through and just think “no one cares!” and close it out and block the post.
Back in the days when I was young and had the energy for Tumblr I kept coming across this stupid post every couple of weeks or so that had something to do with how Steven Spielberg predicted the discovery of a 20-foot-velociraptor subspecies which just upset me a whole bunch because That’s! Not! Even! A! Little! Bit! Correct! and every time I saw it I just wanted to tear the whole thing to shreds and would write these angry rants in response and then one day I realized that I could just not read the post or go on Tumblr at all and it was bliss.
But did you read the intro in Raptor Red? Because maybe by hoping there was a big raptor…he made it so.
it meee, my ratio of started posts/comments to actual posted ones is pretty darn high, especially on contentious or emotional topics. Mid-rant burnout is real and is probably a very healthy thing overall.
(I almost hit “cancel” on this one right now, because I didn’t feel it added much to the conversation, but now with this parenthetical it becomes An Example of the Phenomenon so I’ma just go with it. Thank you for your time, you’ve been a lovely audience.)
*tiny applause*
Did anyone else who wasn’t paying particularly close attention think that “Bucky” was Bucky from “Nashville”?
Yes! And I was confused because I thought Glen was the one with the terrible wig. (which I had to look up jut now, to be sure – it’s Glen)
CAN WE NOW WEEP AND WAIL OVER THE CANCELLATION
I am sad! I’ll miss Juliette. Ooh, and Gunnar and Scarlett! Those little wingnuts belong together.
But Deacon! He is straight terrible.
And I love all the music, mostly 🙁 RIP, Nashville
I want Juliette and Avery to get back together, but I don’t think there are enough episodes left! And just a little bit of real happiness for Will, is that really asking too much?
EDIT: Oops, today is only Wednesday. I guess I will soon have today’s episode on the DVR. Man, I was so happy thinking it was already Thursday.
Today in (Feminist) History [Archive]
On this day in 1954, Jackie Cochran became the first woman pilot to break the sound barrier. Jackie is known for breaking numerous records as a pilot. She was the only woman to compete in both the MacRobertson Air Race in 1934, and the Bendix race in 1937– which she won, and later worked with Amelia Earhart to open officially to women. After setting a national speed record for women pilots, a transcontinental speed record, and several altitude records, Jackie was considered the United States’ best female pilot. On top of all that Jackie– often called the “Speed Queen”– won five Harmon trophies, was the first woman to fly a bomber plane across the Atlantic, was the first woman to take off and land from an aircraft carrier, the first pilot to make a blind landing, the first pilot to fly without an oxygen mask above 20,000 ft., and more.
Jackie Cochran was also involved in attempts to start flying divisions for women in the Army Air Forces, writing to several people to attempt to get women pilots employed to fly non-combat missions. Finally, in 1941, Lt. Col. Robert Olds responded to her, asking her to compile a list of women pilots and their skills, flying times, etc. She compiled a list and, at the request of General Henry Arnold, brought a group of 76 qualified female pilots (later whittled down to 25 after training) with her to England, to work with the British Air Transport Auxiliary (ATA).
Jackie’s efforts, in part, eventually lead to the creation of the Women’s Auxiliary Ferrying Squadron (WAFS). Convinced from her time with the ATA that women could do more than just ferry military craft, she convinced General Arnold to create the Women’s Flying Training Detachment (WFTD), which later merged with WAFS to form the Women Airforce Pilots Service (WASPS), with Jackie Cochran as the Director. Jackie trained hundreds of women pilots in her time as Director, won three Distinguished Flying Cross awards, and was awarded the Distinguished Service Medal in 1945, for her service in the war.
To this day, she still holds more speed and distance records than any pilot alive or deceased, female or male.
AHHHHH that is so amazing! Especially that last line! Thank you so much for putting this together.
Obviously, Sebastian Stan’s hair has become sentient. Probably got together with the possums and raccoons.
His hair in that movie was possibly made of possums and raccoons.
Watch out, the possums and raccoons are going to start coming after you if you keep insulting them like that.
i think it’s just their first step in infiltrating Hollywood
Not their first step.
Sebastian Stan’s hair is an important part of the ecosystem, it’s the only thing preventing every last one of us from having Lyme Disease.
And rabies!
honestly, would watch that movie
This is how the world ends. . .
(OTOH, gee, if it came to a battle between Donald Trump’s hair and SebastianStanHair/raccoons/possums, I know what set limp locks and creepy tiny fingers I have to root for.)
This picture of James + the video on Nicole’s twitter of him in the little bath on the deck is making me WILD. What a cutie!!! *cat with heart eyes*
I do not give two shits about Game of Thrones in any capacity, but this recap has me rolling. This is why television recaps are still valuable and important!
Between this and Slate’s “The Worst Person in Westeros”, I’m a happy lady. Plus there is somebody who does hilarious Outlander recaps that included this gem which is basically just my life in a nutshell:
I stopped watching halfway through last season (because I just could not even) but the reviews and recaps at FandomFollowing.com are similarly hilarious and incisive.
I particularly enjoyed the photos of the toddler. They were effectively deployed.
I want to know who this child is, they seem like a gem of a kid.
I went back to the first recap, and found this explanation : “Occasionally, as a way to convey emotion that cannot be put into words, I will interject photos of my little sister from a years-old professional photo shoot gone very wrong.” A+++ well done
Oh. My. God. This is magical.
Oh wow I can’t believe this is what finally prompted me to comment but could you point me in the direction of the first recap? I really want to read them all but I can’t seem to find anything before her recaps for this season.
Agreed. The words were funny, but the photos were priceless.
This, recaps are How I Watch Television (and know what to hate the most).
I have so much trouble explaining this to people. “No, I don’t watch/read GOT, but I faithfully read recaps every week”?
Recaps are a big part of the fun of watching a series!
The io9 recaps were at least 80 % of the reason I kept watching True Blood until the end, that writer was a genius!
Had to google her name, it’s Meredith Woerner.
<3 you are so right!
I miss Cleolinda’s Hannibal recaps.
Oh, man, there were these FANTASTIC recaps of the first season of The Newsroom and by the time season 2 came the whole site was gone. 🙁 I should have saved them, so I can go relive the pleasures of Sorkin-splained induced rage at any time.
There are so many shows I’ve “watched” solely via recaps.
“Jenga Tower of Shade”
A+++
But seriously, who is going to tell me daily what to read on the internet when the Toast is gone?
…working on it.
This is the first time I’ve seen this gif and it makes me so happy.
Did you join us over on the subreddit?
Not yet! This is my first week back at work full-time and I’ve been swamped! I could go over there today, though. I have to admit I’ve never spent even ten seconds on reddit. How do I find the subreddit, please?
ETA: Ah! Never mind! Someone posted a link, below!
Yayyy, now we have the best doge pictures and the best gifs. We have plundered the Toast of its best and now we will flee into the night.
And clevermanka was still available as a username! WOW!
Toowitches got taken in the hour between when I checked it and then actually went “oh you forgot to actually sign up!” Which one of you vixens was that?
It also took the Toast shuttering fr me to get an Intense Debate account.
It me. Sorry about that!
Ok vixen toowitches, go forth and be worthy of your name.
So was Unreadaethel! One of these days, I should relive my LJ days, though.
What subreddit?
r/ToastCrumbs!
Thank you!
Can we just ask Nicole how she makes the Link Roundup? I know she might use longform.org and longreads.com, but her LR is so diverse that it often has me scratching my head. It’s like she is all-knowing and omnipotent, and I am in awe of her.
Twitter, FB, various RSS feeds, things people email me!
Uh huh. (writes down “Omnipotent, can’t admit it to mortals”)
second this question!
i’m torn between adding a link roundup to my blog and also knowing it will never be as good as the toast
None of us are as strong as all of us.
Subheading: the people, united, will never be divided.
I got to sign up as Slut_Road! I cannot believe it wasn’t taken!
I was never going to sign up for Reddit… UNTIL NOW.
Hahaha. You have no idea how many of our compatriots have expressed similar feelings. The Toast closing is single-handedly pushing a new demographic onto Reddit.
Reddit is not ready for the Toast Army.
*tightens boot laces*
*lights torch*
*fixes lipstick*
*holsters knitting needles*
And *my* username is already taken. I hate it when that happens. MINE MINE MINE. [pout]
I feel for you! My username was taken on Twitter so I had to settle for a variant, but I have a sinking suspicion I blocked myself while trying to sign up via a crappy mobile connection and having the first request fail to load.
Mine was already taken, too?! Like who the fuck else is hanging out on Reddit with a bastardized version of a fictional name of a fictional composer from Polish film?
And Reddit keeps telling you, “be more original.” COME ON.
I have signed up, but as elinorgesundheit (which is, in fact, my cat’s name. Now we just have to hope she doesn’t find out and start posting in my name….)
So, you’re saying we shouldn’t tell you about that instagram account your cat has where she posts pictures of you?
Just signed up!!! YAY, I got to keep my username!
Just signed up as laserchaser (also my Untappd username, also the name of a homebrew I named after my cat). The reddit learning curve is gonna be steep but hopefully short! I will share soooo mannny linkssss.
Of course, I also assume Nicole will keep posting/RTing great links on twitter too.
it is weekly, but i have a tinyletter that is growing in audience slowly but surely! similar tone– tinyletter.com/sfbillimoria. would love to have more toasties on board!
OK I watched that movie trailer and now I have all the feels.
BRB, sobbing at desk.
Even better, it’s a TV show! There’s gonna be an hour of that every week. 😀
I missed that! AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
I am just silently screaming to myself at my desk. WHEN DO WE GET TO WATCH THIS
It’s the Padres, which is my husband’s team! We watched the trailer together, and when they got to the line, “We weren’t exactly winning with YOU, either!” he went, “Yep, that’s the Padres.” I teased him for being a fan of a team so bad that it’s now the go-to “loser team” for baseball fiction. He took it in stride.
(I wish the trailer hadn’t given away so much. I hope there’s more going on.)
I am SO EXCITED FOR THIS TV SHOW.
So many feels.
I don’t even let the Burgomaster tell me about the latest GoT episode he watched, but that recap is HILARIOUS. And then Pitch made me start to tear up. I am such a sucker for sports movies anyway, especially baseball, but a sports show with a black woman as a major league pitcher?
It’s set in San Diego! It’s about the Padres! That’s my hometeam! If you imagine that they got a real deal hiring the main character and then as soon as she became a huge star she moved to another team for three times the money, it’s extra believable!
For those who didn’t start lurking at r/Relationships the first time Nicole linked to a thread there, this lady from yesterday is something else.
Oh man. This is so weird and her replies make it even weirder.
Woooowwww where is her empathy!?
omg MOVE OUT ALREADY MEAN LADY!
I really feel like they should just title it “Ayn Rand writes a break up” and it would tell you basically everything you need to know about that thread. Wow.
Also, this situation https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/4…
(MIL sabotaging birth control)
ALSO THIS ONE
My [24F] BF [28M] proposed to me with a finance spreadsheet
Oh noooo oh buddy I can 100% see how that seemed like a good idea at the time AND YET
(I like this one best because it seems like no one is actually being an asshole on purpose in it, and it is being overlooked in this thread because the other ones are so egregious.)
But everyone on r/financialindependence thought it was Such A Good Idea! Now he is over there, trying to understand how it went wrong…
(Not actually true but I’ve seen this sort of thing before)
Geeeeeeeeeeez. I don’t even have adequate words for this. I mean, the fact that they’re gaslighting her to the point where she had to ASK if the MIL’s behavior is crazy is ridiculous by itself.
Edit: Just read the finance one too, and I love how people in the comments are like “well maybe he’s just not comfortable expressing his feelings” like that’s an excuse for treating marriage like a business transaction.
It reminds me why I am STRONGLY SUSPICIOUS of that whole “love languages” thing where somehow magically a lot of husbands who sound like they’re not picking up any of the emotional labor in the relationship are just showing their love in that way where they…don’t do that.
IDK, it strikes me as a fiction that people perpetuate because reality is exhausting and depressing.
I mean, I don’t know much about the love languages business, but I can get behind the idea that some people express themselves differently and it can be valuable to figure out how you and your loved ones express love. But then you and your SO or whoever should be working it out together and then learning to communicate in each other’s love languages sometimes. If it’s a mutual thing,I can see it being a useful tool for communication in a relationship. But not if it’s just “learn his love language so he never has to do any emotional work!”
Yuuuuuuuuuup.
I am totally for the notion that people express themselves differently, and we shouldn’t be blinded to that.
However.
I have been unable to take the Love Languages thing seriously, ever since my first year in college, where the girl who lived next door to me in the dorms used it to explain why it wasn’t weird at all that she kept trying to coax older males into letting her sit on their laps for comfort “like her daddy always does.”
Also my mom tried a round of “gift giving” being her special love language as a reason why I was rude for ever rejecting any spontaneous unwanted gift, ever.
It was removed! What happened?
Man, I hate when they get removed. I feel like I’m always reading comments to a letter I can’t see anymore.
Good. LORD.
Unpopular opinion: I lost most of my sympathy for the bf at “Kyle started getting upset, saying that at 30 I should want those things and soon.” He just…sounds like a guy who has been acting for 7 years like a fundamental incompatibility–that she was upfront about–isn’t a big deal to him in the firm belief that she’ll somehow grow out of her plans. It blew up in his face.
Disclaimer: I am all for clean breaks in situations like these, and I think one of them should move out. I genuinely don’t understand why he won’t move either though.
Yeah, I wasn’t overly fond of either of the people in that story. They should definitely stop living together though.
Yeah I don’t really see what the big problem is; yeah it would probably be best if one of them moved out, but since she’s moving in a few months anyway, and its a two bedroom apartment, I can see why she thinks its logical to stay.
She was upfront about not wanting kids or marriage, and that she was focused on her career, and he got upset when the rubber hit the road on that; she wants to move because its a good opportunity, he thinks she should be thinking about marriage and kids because of society and that’s what he wants. He got upset, she realized that this was a real issue for him (as I imagine he’s spent 7 years saying it was fine that she didn’t want kids, but expected her to ‘grow out of it’) and ended the relationship.
Seems fair to me. Its not her responsibility how he feels or acts once the relationship is over.
It’s not her responsibility how he feels or acts, but to blithely go ‘Well I don’t feel sad about breaking up with him after seven years, so I don’t get why he’s moping around about it and also I absolutely won’t consider moving he just has to deal with my presence’ is a little unfeeling.
She’s made it pretty clear that she considers it her apartment and has made efforts to set boundaries (its not like she’s still sleeping with him or expecting anything from him beyond standard roommate), he’s the one who can’t let go and keeps trying to get her back.
I know I’m an asshole, but I’d probably do the same thing; this is the best/most convenient situation for me, here’s an opportunity to get with my program if it works for you (living as roommates) or you can leave. The benefit of being single is be able to be completely selfish and only do what works for you, and not exert yourself for the comfort of the men around you.
I guess it would appear selfish that I am not just going to sleep on a couch to make him feel better. We rented the apartment together knowing romance can go south at any point. It’s 10 months left, but I am going to be heading out to stay with a family member the last month.
I just don’t think he is my responsibility anymore and I don’t have to move out just because he isn’t handling it well.
I’m still thinking about this, of course, and I 100% agree with her here.
I understand how people could see that she’s being heartless and cold (and I’ve been told I’m pretty heartless and cold so there’s that.), and how her friends will take his side because he’s the sad one; but she’s doing what is best for her, its not like she’s kicking him out; they’re no longer in a relationship, so she has no obligation to him or his feelings beyond normal friend/roommate considerations. If he can respect her boundaries then he can stay, if he feels its too hard or he can’t respect her decisions, then its on him to make a decision and move out, its not her responsibility to make him feel better or put herself out for his sake.
I also have a strong feeling that there’s a serious gendered side to this, but can’t articulate it, this conversation would be completely different, both on the OP and here, if it was a guy and no one would be telling him to be ‘nicer’ to his ex.
It appears he’s been playing a long game bait’n’switch around marriage and kids, which has blown up in his face. That was neither nice nor considerate of her feelings.
I mean, he is pressuring her to sleep in the same bedroom as him. Their mutual friends are pressuring her to sleep in the same relationship as him. Yet somehow she is the one who is weird and lacking in empathy? Eesh.
Team Robot all the way, especially if the rental market in her city is anything like it is in my city.
+1 Team Robot
(i am 100% in support of her decisions and was quite stunned to come back here to read the comments only to find the Toastariat is generally at odds with my position.)
I’m in complete agreement, right down to the gendered aspect of people’s reactions to her worldview. It’s a shitshow in general, but I’d probably do the same thing were I in her position. TEAM ROBOT.
I’ve never heard a man described as heartless or cold. TEAM ROBOT ALL THE WAY. I love you guys so much.
I’m with you: this dude changed tracks on her, pressured her to change her life and ambitions to make babies for him, and is now trying to emotionally blackmail her into getting back together with him. She doesn’t need to accommodate his feelings any further.
Yessssss. He was being manipulative and dishonest about his feelings for 7 years and now suddenly he wants sympathy when she realizes he’s been a douchebag all this time. Nope, not having it.
Agreed that they should break up, and that I don’t have much sympathy for the dude there, but if two people are living together and one decides to end things, I think they’re the one with the responsibility to move out, even if that’s inconveniencing them.
” and one decides to end things”
Sometimes, the person who decides to end things does so in response to abuse or manipulation or other mistreatment. I don’t think that should mean they bear the responsibility for the breakup of the relationship. Just because you’re the one to finally say “that’s it, it’s over”, doesn’t put it all on you. In many cases, the breakup should be viewed as a long series of events, only the last one of which was verbalizing the decision to end it.
He was a total dickbag, and it wasn’t until I started reading her comments in the responses that I started to feel more pissed at her.
I agree that he behaved badly and she was justified in breaking up with him. I also sympathize that it would be massively inconvenient for her to move out. But her replies throughout that thread are so amazingly tone-deaf that I kind of wonder what she wanted advice for in the first place.
how are her replies tone deaf? I haven’t read the whole thing, but from what I can see, she asked a specific question and gave background info (how do I get my friends off my back about this) and all of the replies are focused on a completely different question (who should move out), and she is quite rightly holding her position on moving out against a sea of people being kinda rude.
She wants to get on with her life, not do the ‘nice’ thing for his feelings, I think that’s fair.
My read on it:
Her question as written is “how can I convince our mutual friends I’m not being a jerk?” Commenters explain why people who are friends with the ex (and don’t know why they broke up) might be inclined to think she’s a jerk, so the not-a-jerk narrative might be a hard sell. She says “I’m not a jerk and I’m not changing anything about my approach.” Well… cool? But if you’re totally decided on everything, what are you even doing here?
But she’s not being a jerk, and her approach is not particularly jerk-ish, just selfish and definite. and their mutual friends are taking his side (which is the ‘shes just scared marriage, she’ll change her mind if you try hard enough’ side), I don’t think she wants to be seen as nicer, at least that’s not how I read it, she just want them to get off her back about taking him back and stop giving her shit about her, reasonable, behaviour.
Like if this was worded differently, We’d all be on her side. ‘our friends are harassing me about getting back with my manipulative ex, whos trying to guilt me out of my apartment’
To be clear, in her position I’d be mad as hell. He’s the one who misrepresented what he wanted out of the relationship, he’s the one who tried to pressure her not to follow her own goals, and he’s the one acting like a wounded puppy now she won’t put up with it anymore. Absolutely, she had to dump his ass and there’s no need for her to perform remorse over it for an audience.
But fairly or unfairly, she’s getting blowback for that. At some point it doesn’t matter how right you are or how exhaustively you can explain why you’re right. Saying “everyone else sucks, so why should I be the one to change” doesn’t get you out of the situation where people are sucking at you. She can put up with the continued suckage until the lease is up, or she can get out of there. Those seem like the only two options. “I am correct and will not compromise on anything, ever,” isn’t a helpful approach to problem solving.
Right: I mean, part of the solution here is kind of “get new friends, your friends suck.”
Well, she wants that AND wants to frame what she wants as the ‘nice’ thing. Can’t have it both ways.
i don’t think she wants to be seen as nice. she clearly gives no fucks. what she wants is for their mutual friends to quit trying to pressure her back into a relationship with this dude.
Yeah I mean her friends need to definitely back the fuck off. But she also wants to know how she can frame her decision to not want to move out without seeming like a “heartless bitch” which…I mean, no matter how misguided her ex is, refusing to move out because she’s fine it with the arrangement and stating that her ex’s inability to let go is his problem is…pretty heartless. I think part of the Universal Code of Being Decent To The Ex You Broke Up With is being the one who is willing to move out.
Is the update going to be that she is a robot and her software crashed and made her terrible and unfeeling? Then, she rebooted and realized what she had done? I feel like that’s the only valid update.
This one HORRIFIED me: My husband [27M] secretly recorded me [31F] and him having sex and doesn’t see anything wrong with that.
GIRL, RUN.
OMG, that was a sea of “GET OUT NOW” flags 🙁
YES! I didn’t read the first because the title seemed too boring, but that was so awful. I almost posted to beg her to read some Lundy Bancroft before making a decision about marriage counseling, but I am not brave enough to venture past toastcrumbs yet. 🙁
And the woman whose wife demands 100% control of their forthcoming baby’s education, AND expects her pregnant partner, the only wage-earner, to wait on her hand and foot in exchange for “emotional support”? It just got sadder and sadder. 🙁
link of sad
In case anyone was wondering what the worst case r/relationships scenario is, I once found the post written by the guy who got me pregnant, immediately after he found out he got me pregnant (about him wanting me to not be pregnant).
Was he the one who was concerned about what would happen to his ~reputation~ if people found out he had gotten a freshman pregnant because he wanted to go into politics? Because that guy was SUCH A TOOL.
UGH THAT GUY.
Wasn’t he like “I can’t take her to get the abortion because she’ll get the wrong idea that I like her, and NOW, after IMPREGNATING HER, I think it’s time I stop leading her on”?
Mine was so kind in comparison! He was always “your body, your choice, I support you” to me, but “omg internet strangers, I feel so helpless and Not Ready” (which, understandable!)
Noooooo.
Oooh, I am so conflicted, because I have been robotted-at, but I also think there’s a gender thing happening here and I don’t like it at all.
Whenever a woman decides to be coolly self-focused, it’s almost universally shat upon. I mean, we as Toasts may collectively poop on selfish unfeeling men, which is why we are so Great, but society-in-general labels those men as practical and efficient and totes logical, and we’re just oversensitive harpies who get in the waaaay. When a woman decides she needs to make a selfish choice, though…I don’t see much support.
I mean, in an ideal world, we would all, regardless of gender, be as empathetic and conscientious and kind as possible, but…I wouldn’t want to exert any emotional labor to support a guy who told me I SHOULD WANT BABIES AND FAMILY BECAUSE SOCIETY SAYS AND MY INDEPENDENCE IS RUINING HIS PLAN. Like, zero effort would be made for that dude, because EW, and I’ve got a really excellent life to lead without him. He’s revealed some ugly true colors and I wouldn’t want to readjust an iota of my life for his comfort after that.
I’m crotchety about my robot-ex because his roboticness only kicked in when it was time to take advantage of sweet patriarchal benefits like “make my long-distance girlfriend feel insane when I break the rules of our open arrangement” and “I have a new long-distance girlfriend and I want my old long-distance girlfriend to listen to me complain about her now and she won’t be able to argue because friiieeeends and loooogic.” But if I ignored him? FEELINGS. FEELINGS EVERYWHERE. SO MANY NEGLECTED FEEEEEELS.
Reddit Lady seems to have been upfront and honest and while it doesn’t fit the narrative of the Nice Woman Who Is Just So Thoughtful, I think it’s her right. Team Reddit Lady and her cool pragmatism, I suppose.
You are right, she is acting in a way that is traditionally seen as masculine, even to the staying in the apartment until she transfers with her job because it’s convenient for her and she paid for it. The only advice I’d give her is to quit caring what people think or feeling like she has to explain anything. She is moving and she doesn’t seem like the type to keep in touch after she goes anyway. I’d find a subletter for the apartment, though, and move into temp housing, just to end the drama.
You know, I’d have broken up with him too. But my frustration with this woman stems from the fact that she’s been given a solution to her problem and she just won’t do it. She has been informed by everyone and their grandma that the friend group situation may not be salvageable and that living with her ex is just dragging an untenable situation on and on. Therefore the smartest thing would be to move out of their shared apartment, and start over when she reaches her new destination – she is going to be leaving that city within a year anyway.
And she keeps saying, over and over again, “I’m not moving. He should move.” But she cannot control his behaviour, only her own. If she wants this problem to go away she has the means to do so. She has a solution in her hands. It may not be super convenient, but it’s there. But she will not even consider it. I don’t know why she asked for advice in the first place if she had no interest in hearing any perspectives but her own.
Also, I have to say she does come across as unpleasant in her replies – one of those delightful people who pride themselves on ‘honesty’ when they are just being rude. And if that’s what her personality is like in RL then I have to wonder if it’s less that people are taking the ex-bf’s side and more that they don’t want to hang out with her anymore for their own reasons.
YIKES. I kinda see where she’s coming from but maaaan. Mostly I feel like these two needed a Come to Jesus about their life wants/goals and she should have ended things a LONG ASS TIME AGO.
open this marriage over mount. fuckin. doom. and shake it until he falls out: new saying for poorly done poly.
I will watch the ever-loving fuck out of the grown-up Mon’e Davis tv show, that is everything I never knew I wanted out of life.
Oh my god it IS grown-up Mo’ne Davis, my interest in this show (which was pretty high to begin with, tbh) just soared.
I know I’m way behind on this, but…
I leave for a long weekend to see HAMILTON and suddenly The Toast is closing down? What a rollercoaster of emotions!
I am sincerely upset to hear the site is shutting down, but understand the reasons for stepping away. My most sincere thanks to Nicole and Mallory for creating this welcoming, thought-provoking, funny, beautiful place that has opened my eyes to so many perspectives and subjects, and to all of the writers, contributors, and commenters who helped fill it with some of the best content and community on these here internets.
I’m glad to hear the site will live on until the heat death of the universe, because I am NOT done referencing all of the absurd and obscure jokes contained within its pages.
I never thought this would be an afterthought in a comment, but now that my gratitude/mourning is out of the way, OH MY VARIOUS GODS Hamilton was just as incredible as (maybe more than?!) I thought it would be. Leslie Odom made me cry big cartoon tears during “Wait for It.” I’m still having chills about Chris Jackson’s voice during the ending notes of “One Last Time.” Phillipa Soo’s delivery and emotion during “Burn” was heartbreaking (and so needed, since the song is suddenly missing from Amazon Prime!), and her gasp at the audience at the end of WLWDWTYS was like a surprise punch in the gut in the best way.
We also got autographs from several of the cast members at the stage door, and even got a picture with Daveed (“swoon” would be an understatement).
Additionally, we snagged second row tickets for Fun Home for 50% off the next day, so between them, my first two Broadway shows received 28 Tony nominations. That’s a hell of a way to start, I’d say.
YAY! That sounds beyond amazing, super jealous. I was listening to the Fun Home cast album on the bus this morning and Raincoat of Love is my everything. You’ll have to update us on how the show is.
Oh man. Fun Home was fantastic. 4 of the 9 actors (Alison’s parents, Alison herself, and Alison’s girlfriend) were played by the original actors, and the kids were adorable and total show-stealers. “Come to the Fun Home” was the most fun song I have ever seen performed live. All of the cast members except for Judy Kuhn (Alison’s mother) came out to sign autographs at the stage door, and Michael Cerveris (the Best Actor in a Musical Tony Winner from last year) spent a fair amount of time with each person who was left in line by the time he came out, which was very nice.
It’s the first performance I’ve seen done in the round (at Circle in the Square Theatre), which was a fascinating experience on its own, and really worked well with the story centering around adult Alison navigating through her memories (sometimes several simultaneously) throughout the course of the show.
Thanks to the discounted tickets we got from the TKTS line, it was very affordable, too. Less than $100 per ticket, which was great for us.
Oh, my goodness, the brutalization piece by Ensaf Haidar.
Oh, my goodness.
I hope that another Toastie can put this into better words. I am so sad and angry.
This morning I dreamed that the Toast site closed in order to open a huge museum, and a friend of mine and I were going to work in the museum when this guy in sunglasses and a stupid haircut tried to follow us in. It was before the museum opened, though, and we had to close the door *around* him, like with him trying to stick his arm through the open space as we pressed on the door with all our weight.
“But… But I read science fiction, guys,” he said. Science fiction, guys, come on.
“So do we,” said Mallory, then she turned and sauntered off into the rest of the museum.
And then we all laughed and laughed and high-fived each other.
So I think what my brain is saying is that we’re gonna be fine, my bros.
JUST IN CASE IT COMES UP, I have no beef with open marriage, but this man has no interest in an open marriage, he is just a lying dog who is like ohhhh right right an open marriage that is the ticket.
She doesn’t have an open marriage problem. She has a husband problem.
Re Dothrakiville: I’m insanely tired of Daenerys’s entire white savior plot in every way EXCEPT every now and then she goes and burns the patriarchy in a womb yurt and then emerges from its fire-labia doors like a boss. The image appeals to my misandry in a deep way for a literal hot second, and then immediately she’s getting worshiped by the natives like its straight out of some British colonialist fantasy and all my misandrist joy turns to ashes. JUST STOP IT, HBO/GRRM.
Thank you for summing up my feelings about Dany’s plot to date.
i am hoping she forms a council of the Dosh Khaleen to rule the Dothraki, allowing them a sort of quasi independence, but cutting back a lot on the raping…
But then how will we know a character is bad? HOW, I ask?!?!?
Yes. I also have very mixed feelings on this. First impulse is “yes, small woman, destroy the big, bad misogynistic men that think they’re so powerful,” but then remember the part where her story is perpetuating an old an lazy trope that’s super racist and have to check my gleeful response.
For a long time I’ve thought that my feelings toward Daenerys in general are “I like her sometimes I guess? She sometimes does kind of badass things.” But it really turns out that I like DROGON a lot, because, you know. Awesome huge dragon. And now this “burning down the womb yurt” episode is the first time I’ve actually liked HER. But the showrunners really love this ‘the natives bow down to the white ruler’ thing and that has never sat well with me, so Dany hasn’t ever been a real favorite for me.
you know, as someone who has been rabid and incomprehensible on topics which matter very little (the way an actor’s eyes moved slightly during an interview, the intonation of certain words spoken in a movie, wigs,) I find it’s worn off as I’ve aged. Whereas now I could probably make a more-informed and cohesive argument about fandom minutiae, I have……. absolutely no desire to.
So, I guess what I’m saying is, props to deleted commenter for their passion, but I also look forward to when they are older and are like “damn it is hilarious how much time I wasted being angry about things on the internet.”
This is like how I got mad at the trumpeter in the jazz band I saw Saturday using a mute when playing “If I Were a Bell” from Guys and Dolls. I ranted, “Mutes are so buzzy and restrained, but the song is about a woman’s first brush with drunken disinhibition and pantsfeelings! UR DOIN IT RONG” and my husband just looks at me and basically deletes my comment.
Good morning Toasties! Can we talk about this, which is upsetting me this morning? http://www.npr.org/2016/05/17/478417091/sanders-d…
I honestly can’t believe that we’ve reached a point where the chairwoman of the Nevada Democratic Party is receiving these incredibly threatening, sick voice messages. Bernie promised to address his supporters’ behavior, which he then walked back to breezing over in the 3rd paragraph of his remarks.
Even after all that’s happened this primary cycle, somehow I’m still shocked by the internalized misogyny and levels of anger (which, lbh, are actually levels of FEAR) from BernieBros. It makes me want to go back to bed until November.
The worst is that it’s all over literally only FOUR votes. 4.
The whole thing where they’re like THE ENTIRE INTERNET IS LYING ABOUT THIS EXCEPT REDDIT is also very upsetting.
It is driving me up a wall. There are multiple people posting the “everything is rigged, our anger is totally justified!” narrative on Facebook and I am literally sitting on my hands to keep from engaging with them, because I know that they will not even attempt to consider any other viewpoint (or things like, y’know, facts).
And I was honestly floored that Bernie’s statement was anything other than an unequivocal condemnation of the threats and harassment. Saying “yeah, harassment is obviously bad, but they started it by being big meanies” is not the same thing.
So much unfollowing just to prevent my own rage-strokes.
I woke up to that story this morning and just…what the actual fuck. Honestly, I’ve become increasingly suspicious that Sanders isn’t operating in good faith and this does nothing to allay that. Not surprised, although disappointed, to see that he has exactly the same problems with sexism as basically every other white male socialist I’ve ever met.
It’s also horrifying that basically all of those messages they played had to be CONTINUOUSLY bleeped.
I heard a clip of him saying, “Before we defeat Donald Trump in November, first we must beat Hillary Clinton,” and nope, I am done with giving him the benefit of the doubt. He never should have gotten the DNC’s support for his presidential run, he is not acting in good faith.
This makes me EXTREMELY nervous that he’s not going to get behind Hillary after his basically mathematically inevitable defeat and encourage his followers to support her.
I will no doubt be frantically refreshing fivethirtyeight in a few months.
Same, same. Except I’m also closely following fivethirtyeight now. They have a delightful weekly podcast, full of banter and nerd politics.
The whole thing makes me so mad that sometimes I think I will just collapse, apoplectic. And that’s a NON-APOLOGY, Senator. Get your goddamn followers in line.
His response seemed to be on the order of “hey, we’re the victims here.”
If only Bernie and his male followers could be a woman for a day or a week. Here are folks with a perspective from both sides: http://time.com/transgender-men-sexism/
It’s nothing we don’t know, but it was affirming to read it in a mainstream media outlet.
Oh wow. That article.
DITTO!! Okay, so I’ve been very suspicious for a long time of the Sanders/Trump cross over. And the worst part is, I **liked** Sanders when this all started.
From the beginning, women reporters especially have made note of Sanders supporters harassing them. Women called out the misogyny & Sanders surrogates responded with gaslighting (Bernie Bros are just a myth!). Sanders himself was super disrespectful to Andrea Mitchell last week, and in you traded “Hillary Clinton” and “DNC” with “Paul Ryan” and “GOP” he sounds like Donald Trump. The internalize misogyny does a lot to undermine his supposedly Purist Leftist Credentials in my book.
His supporters published home addresses of superdelegates, with the stated purpose of harassment. His supporters harass Clinton supporters outside of her rallies (and then mock her for “low turnout”). His supporters sent threats to Roberta Lange & her family. Sanders passively condones it.
Every time there’s a poll that says Sanders beats Trump in the match up, it’s like *that’s because Sanders supporters like Trump & I find that horrifying.*
The utter silence about the 20K-caucus-turnout in Nebraska vs. the 70K primary that didn’t count (but did decide down-ballot candidates), proves that they give zero fucks about the revolution. The inconsistent outrage over primary rules is deeply upsetting ethically–their only ethic is the Ideologue Winning. I’m also highly suspect of a democratic socialist who does not support his comrades, who scoffs at consensus building, whose staunchest supporters don’t show up for the revolution.
I, too, am anxious about posting this on the rest of the internet because I want to avoid harassment. Thank you for letting me be cranky.
Oh, and I cannot wrap my head around the fact that Sander/his staff/his supporters lambaste, “take on,” harass, and publicly disparage the DNC/Schultz every chance they get, WHILST ALSO whining about how they aren’t warmly embraced by the organization. WHILST ALSO asking democrats to vote for him. Do unto other, Bernie.
Is it me, or does Sanders relationship with the DNC remind you of this lady from AAM? http://www.askamanager.org/2016/04/i-was-fired-fo…
Any time he/his campaign has shown up on the news over the past month or two to talk about superdelegates I’ve had to rage-mute. The stuff about how many of them endorsed her before he ever got in the race? Does he really feel slighted because she was convincing fellow party reps she’d make a good president before he even decided to join the race or the party?
But yeah, the Nevada thing is scary. It shouldn’t be difficult to condemn political violence without launching into “but there are totally good reasons for it”.
ETA: Jezebel called some of the threateners. http://theslot.jezebel.com/we-called-up-bernie-fa…
Wonkette nailed it and made my day: http://wonkette.com/601971/nice-grandpa-bernie-sa…
This is SO good. Thanks for sharing it!
I feel very bait-and-switched about my Bernie vote a couple months ago. Like, did he do a great job of hiding that he was going to turn against the party and excuse his worst supporters’ nastiness? Or should I have seen it coming?
He has frequently railed against the democrat party establishment and insinuated that it was corrupt and rigged, and has really made no secret that he literally only joined the party last year to get access to their funding and voters. So his turning against the party to me isn’t a surprise. Plus there was the Clinton event in Los Angeles a few weeks ago, where he afterwards only tepidly condemned interrupting Clinton’s speech, but not the protesters’ actions outside, where things had gotten the nastiest. http://thedailybanter.com/2016/05/sanders-shout-o…
Yeah…some of that earlier stuff resonated with me, as a very reluctant Democrat…but the nastiness just seems to have spiralled after our primary. Like, it’s becoming clearer that a lot of his good-faith statements about how he would run as a Dem were really not.
Today’s Dear Prudence taught me that Pornhub has “achievements” and now I really want to know what they are, even though I really don’t want to know what they are.
SAME.
“Most Videos Watched?” “Most Videos Uploaded?” “Most Acrobatic Couplings?”
I too need to know because I’m not sure if my imagination is better or worse than reality.
Oh, I’m sure they’re all totally corporate and business-y, like “Most Revenue Streams Generated” or something.
Hee, “revenue streams.”
Widest Range of Tastes.
My friend said she didn’t realize how much she like hoppy beers until Untapped was like “hey so you’re level 20 in hops and level four in everything else have an award.”
Maybe Pornhub awards helps pinpoint kinks?
One morning I was logging some beers I had sampled the previous night in Untappd and it popped up something like “Congratulations of your day drinking!” and i was mortified.
“You watched the whole video! Congratulations!”
Oh, we totally googled that as soon as we read the question! The achievements are things like “The Cinephile: You’ve watched 5,000 videos — Be careful, carpal tunnel is a thing” or “The Connoisseur: You’ve watched 50,000 videos — you are a veritable porn expert now”
Maybe there are more amusing achievements, but I can’t think of a way to say that I’m not going to look into the matter further without it sounding like a sex joke.
My immediate guess is that it’s about logging how many times you masturbated.
Is anyone else imagining masturbating to a video when suddenly an “Achievement Unlocked!” popup startles you out of your groove? Anyone? Just me?
ALSO re: fandom and passion — I hate how certain actors threaten to reignite this latent teenaged fury inside of me. Like i am THIS CLOSE to being a Sebastian Stan person like the commenter. I worry that I’m already there for Oscar Isaac. I like to think I am Mature and Above It but there’s still this screeching teenager inside of me who’s demanding I go to bat for Men I Don’t Know Who Get Paid to Lie on Large Screens.
There but for the grace of whomever, etc.
I find myself almost becoming that Stan in public. At the Civil War premiere I was at, I heard someone a few people back in line talking trash about Natasha and I almost Hulked out.
I mean Natasha is worth it, though?
Between this and Slate's "The Worst Person in Westeros", I'm a happy lady. Plus there is somebody who does hilarious Outlander recaps that included this gem which is basically just my life in a nutshell:
<img src="http://i2.scotlandnow.dailyrecord.co.uk/incoming/article7828701.ece/ALTERNATES/s615/Screen-Shot-2016-04-25-at-110037.png">
OT, but I slipped and fell in the shower last night after ballet class and took the shower curtain down with (on top of) me. I landed weird on my right shoulder but had full range of motion, so I iced it and took some naproxen and hoped it would be better this morning.
…it is not better this morning. Hurts like hell if I move it wrong, and definitely don’t have full range of motion. Gonna try and get to the doctor today. Prayers and/or good thoughts would be appreciated – I’m really hoping I just jammed it or something and that no permanent damage has been done. :/
Oh no! I don’t know anything about bones and bodies, but have injured myself lots of times and it almost always turned out to be nothing even though it hurt a lot. I really hope it is the same for you! I’m thinking of you and yes, go see a doctor.
if it is any consolation, I wiped out on some ice last winter, and landed all my weight on my straight out arm. My shoulder hurt awful for a few days, and then was completely fine.
D: Hope it turns out to be something a short amount of time will heal, and good for you for seeing a doctor!
oh no! if it is a consolation, it sounds awfully like a dislocation, perhaps a partial one (which i have done to myself a dozen times, being prone to them). If it is, fear not — the muscles around the shoulder joint might be a little damaged for a while, but it will heal itself and you can do things to help it (like gentle stretches and sports injury massage). Glad you’re showing it to a doctor!
I hope you get good care, that it is easily fixable, and that you feel better soon.
*sending virtual ice packs*
So sorry to hear that! Sending you good vibes for a quick recovery.
Guys I crashed the database at work and we can’t figure out how to fix it. Clearly, this internship is bringing out the best in me.
Correction: you’ve completed a full survey of the vulnerabilities of the system and can report that you clearly identified them.
so brilliant
Oh, honey, that so reminds me of an internship I had when I was wee and young, sympathy for you.
I’m officially an aunt, ya’ll! Mom had a tough, long delivery but baby is healthy and beautiful and perfect in every way. I can’t believe how much the baby looks like my brother and I also can’t believe how strongly I feel for a being i’ve never met.
being an aunt is THE BEST
I am SO EXCITED. I feel so full of love today I can’t even handle it. I look at his picture and start tearing up. He’s so perfect and little.
I visited my brother at Easter – one morning I woke up because my nephew was crying, so I went over to investigate, and he lifted his tiny pudgy arms toward me when he saw me come in, and then when I lifted him out of the crib he wrapped his arms tightly around my neck and I was just OVERCOME BY EMOTION.
He is the snuggliest little elf:
Omg he is so cute. I can’t wait for the snuggles and the newborn smell!
Yay for aunting!
Clearly the deleted commenter is no true Bucky stan. Real Bucky lovers accepted how trashy the hair was, and how little they cared how trashy it was, around a month after seeing Winter Soldier. (The hair is partly extensions according to cast interviews, but at least some of it just grew out of Sebastian Stan’s head like that.)
Really if these people loved Sebastian Stan they would be outraged on his behalf because girlfriend has a lovely head of hair and those movies did not very nice things to it.
Just spitballing here,but does GoT end with the Brienne and Dany seizing power,enslaving all of the men, maybe setting Littlefinger on fire? IDK, but this is what should happen, right?
No, it ends with Gendry FINALLY getting his boat to shore, stepping out onto smoldering ruins and becoming Ruler By Default (while Grandma Tyrell and totally Not Dead Shireen ride overhead on a dragon).
Littlefinger totes gets set on fire though.
I will accept no scenario that is not Sansa becoming Queen in the North.
Sansa Queen of the North is fine by me, as long as she enslaves the men and has Littlefinger set on fire.
“Murder more men” is what I took away from all this. Preferably with fire.
Ragnar the Majestic escaped my leash-clutches this morning in a fruitless mad squirrel chase, of course in full view of two other more leash-capable dog walking folks and a neighbor in his car sitting in the driveway. It was embarrassing for me. Ragnar was pleased with himself.
Also, that GoT roundup slayed me. Hysterical.
12/10 would chase down small mammals with
That there is the epitome of a highly self-satisfied doge.
Oh, valiant chaser of squirrels, amuser of neighbors, and embarrasser of Your Person, you truly have earned the cuddle you are so clearly enjoying.
“Brienne stacks multiple power moves on top of each other, building a very complex Jenga Tower of Shade.” CACKLING JENGA TOWER OF SHADE I CANNOT
This piece on a transgender woman who was in prison and was supposed to have sex reassignment surgery as ordered by the courts is really great: https://story.californiasunday.com/michelle-lael-…
Hi Toasties, I need some love today. I need to break up with my boyfriend of almost two years 🙁
I discovered that he is still chatting with girls via instagram, facebook, etc. and telling them he is single just for attention. I have caught him in the past using Tinder then asking him to stop. (We met via a dating website, so I was somewhat forgiving concerning his actions). And while I don’t think he would actually physically cheat on me, I just can’t take him disrespecting me any longer.
He is currently traveling in Europe alone for leisure, so I don’t know if I should wait until he returns, or just do it now so he can enjoy the rest of his time actually as a single man.
Any thoughts, advice, or words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated.
Ugh, I’m so sorry, that sucks. <33
For a relationship of that length, my inclination would be to do it in person, but I think you should do whatever would feel most comfortable for you. When does he get back?
Not for another week and a half. I know that I feel like I should do it in person, but I might do all of the legwork before he returns (e.g. get my stuff out of his place). I have had a habit of forgiving him in the past because he always gives me sob stories, and I think I just have to make the situation such that I don’t fall for that again. Also, I feel so pathetic, but I used Swipebuster to check that he has also been using Tinder – not since April, but still :'(
I just feel so embarrassed and pathetic about all of this. *Going to listen to Beyonce’s first four songs on Lemonade on repeat*
That sounds like a plan. And besides the legwork, maybe set aside a bunch of time for self-care and doing nice things for yourself? (I think Beyonce is a good start.)
You got this. You deserve better than someone who repeatedly crosses boundaries, knowing that it upsets you.
Not at all pathetic — you have good instincts. *hugs* Yes, keep up the Lemonade.
Oh dear. Sending warm hugs your way. It’s totally up to you how you want to break up with him. He hasn’t shown you the respect you deserve, so you are not obligated to spare his feelings or let him down gently IMO. Please take care of yourself however you need, whatever that looks like for you.
Please know this is not a reflection of you. You are beautiful, lovable, and infinitely worthy. He is a toad.
Thank you so much for your support
Do it now. Send him a text, then mute him within an hour of his receiving it. Don’t spend the rest of his vacation wondering how faithful he is being, how flirty-but-maybe-not-technically-crossing-lines. He doesn’t deserve that level of regard from you.
And then enjoy the rest of his vacation as a single woman. You don’t have to go pounce on the next available man, just revel in the power of advocating for yourself and killing off the wart before it spreads.
Also, ((toastiehugs)), because that sucks, and he sucks, and you deserve better.
I think the whole “no long distance breakups” rule only applies when it’s a no-fault (or your-fault) breakup– in this case, it’s his fault, and if he’s going to act like a single guy online then he can be a single guy in real life. I’d call him and break it off, if you have phone access, or write a nice email.
Lots of internet hugs to you, breakups are never fun even if your partner is disrespectful and scummy. You have my good vibes and support!
“f he’s going to act like a single guy online then he can be a single guy in real life.”
I feel like you should work this line into the language of the break-up and then just mic drop (or hang up the phone).
Here’s what I said:
“please enjoy the rest of your time in europe as a single man so you can take full advantage of tinder etc. (although it is not like you were not taking advantage of it anyway while being with me)”
Holy shit, this is an EXCELLENT line.
YOU GO GIRL.
And not like you needed an internet strangers permission, but go treat yourself. Get a large ice cream, a kitten, a sack of sugar snap peas, anything you want because you are a champion and you deserve it.
Oh, this gif just gave me some smiles – something about Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert cheering me on is something I needed
They speak for us all
Thank you all
HIGH FUCKING FIVE, and also my hugs & condolences & angry glares aimed transatlantically
That is the best text message break up in the history of life.
OMG, good for you. Also your username is very apropos, all of the internet hugs and fignersnaps to you.
From one Real Life Misandrist Hero to another, sick burn. I tip my imaginary hat to you.
*flings hypoallergenic flowers*
Thank you for knowing what you need and taking such good care of your well-being. I wish you the very best post-him life!
As for him, I hope he steps on a lego first thing every morning for *years*.
You are beautiful and terrible as the dawn, and I would like to humbly offer you a congratulatory fist-bump and a respectful head-jerk.
My ex did the same thing for a long time, and after I broke up with him (that was just one of the many reasons ultimately), I found out that he had actually taken it a step further and cheated on me. I think it’s much better to just cut the ties now, do the legwork before he returns, and make it as easy as possible for yourself. He doesn’t deserve your regard. Take care of yourself! Know that we’re here for you!
Yeah, because he left his cell phone at his place, I decided to sign in to his facebook and download tinder just to see what he has been doing – I am now no longer convinced that he hasn’t done anything physical
Ugh. I know it sucks, but a nudge from the practical side of my love (as opposed to the “burn him to the ground” side, which is mostly where my head is at right now) says part of scheduling self-care might also need to be scheduling an STD screen. I’m so sorry. 🙁
It completely sucks to have to second this, but the way that I found out (after I had already broken up with my ex) that he had moved passed the “flirting online for attention” stage to actual cheating, was when my gyno did a STD screening as part of standard practice at my yearly exam and found out that he had given me an STD 🙁 thank goodness it was treatable with antibiotics but, yeah, I second packedsuitcase. 🙁
Yep. We used condoms every time, still found out I got a lovely parting gift the next time I went to the ladydoc.
I’m so sorry.
If you are afraid you’ll cave, then long-distance sounds perfectly fine. And definitely get your stuff back so you have no other reason to see him after.
The great news is that you have over a week to find a new living situation and move the fuck out without having to deal with him in the process. (I’m assuming you live together because you mentioned moving your stuff out in another thread.) I second the motion that you don’t have to wait until he gets back, and you can make this as clean and easy FOR YOURSELF as possible without having to worry about his feelings or whatever protocols you might feel you have to abide by. He broke protocol, so now you get to focus on what’s best for you.
Thank you!! Yeah, fortunately, I have my own place that I just moved in to (I was living in a co-op until recently). But he has a lot of my things. I am definitely getting them out
I’m sorry to hear this happened to you! And while I’m not a great go-to for relationship questions I feel comfortable suggesting you fold him neatly, stuff him into a T-shirt cannon and fire him toward, but not directly into, the sun.
I would also recommend setting up a filter in your email so his emails are marked as “read” and put in your archives (OR DELETED ENTIRELY). That way, you can check when you feel up to it if you want, but in the meantime, you don’t know if he’s emailing you, you don’t have to deal with cajoling, etc. It’s really helpful to get that distance.
So I’m coming in late to all this since it looks like you’ve already sent The Text, but I would to add my voice to the chorus of encouragement and cheerleading. You’re doing the right thing! I’m rooting for you and your hopefully swiftly-to-improve life!
Also here to say your user name is the absolute best and warms my Janelle Monae loving heart.
You poor thing. I am so sorry. My suggestion is that we all jet to Europe and set him on fire so he can enjoy the rest of his trip scattered to the four winds and then do a The Toast in Europe vacay to mend hearts and fences and establish liberty and equality and honesty and appropriate use of punctuation.
Edited to include: I just read your actual text and cackled with glee. HIGH FIVE!
I am sorry he was unworthy of you. I hope you find what you need.
The bed is SLIGHTLY RUMPLED!!!! This is of course a sad time for us all, but I did not realise Nicole was *this* devastated.
Oh, I will miss this baby so…
totally OT but i’ve been dying to share this since it happened…
kid (srsyl. a teenaged boy child) behind the register looks at my items and asks, “so what are you doing tonight?”.
“drinking wine, eating pizza, and making cupcakes.”
to which the child replies, “wow. you’re living the best life.”
FROM THE MOUTHS OF BABES, DEAR TOASTIES.
I feel there is hope for the younger generation now.
Damn straight.
There is a young man (6th grade) who frequents my library who constantly tells us what we need to be doing this weekend is eating some nachos, and probably some ice cream afterward. The kids are all right.
I like the cut of his jib.
I made nachos in the microwave at work and the interns thought I was a genius. So I showed them how to make a grilled cheese in the toaster oven. They know all they need to to launch a career now.
I met a high school junior this weekend (there were no assigned tables at a wedding reception, so we just mingled together and met new people) who at one point said “hashtag what is my life.” She also told me that I absolutely should have two pieces of wedding cake, because it was free cake.
Marshawn and The Toast, worlds are colliding here! I’m so sad he won’t be coming back to this season, he’s my favorite player and the Seahawks just won’t be the same without him.
Right? I love that he was such a great player and really knows how to rock an off-field persona. Though I will never be okay with GO BEAST MODE as a slogan for a plumbing company.
Ha! Get that money, son.
Are you in Seattle? We should have a game day Toast meet-up.
Same here. If Richard Sherman ever leaves I will have to give up completely.
My heart broke when Golden left. Ugh, and then Lockette announcing his retirement a few days ago. I can’t take this much abandonment.
Yay, Pitch! And not just because they are using my team and ballpark as the setting.
Looking forward to this and hoping it’s done well. Not pleased that writers thought a person of that caliber — basically a Williams sister or a Mo’ne Davis or similar athlete–would actually walk off the mound in her debut. It’s grit that got her there in the first place. Overcoming failure (loading the bases but still getting out of the inning) would have made more narrative sense and would also have made more baseball sense. Anyway, it’s just a quibble for the sake of quibbling. I’m hoping for the best in potential television role models!
you’re right it’s implausible that she’d walk off, ever, but I think the implications of that action could be really interesting! like even the trailer gets into some of that “overwhelming pressure when you’re The First/The Only because if you fuck it up for yourself, you fuck it up for Everyone After You” && asking to be taken off is the most extreme fuckup she could have had. So I have hope that they’ll go some cool places with that redemption story.
I was saying somewhere else that it makes the story more likely, because you know she’d play a couple of seasons for the Padres and then as soon as she started breaking records, move on to a different team where she made wayyy more money while we just footle around at the bottom of the NLW forever.
:: fistbump of solidarity ::
Like in a totally made up scenario where she gets traded to an AL east team like the Red Sox, stumbles into mediocrity for a season or so, then returns to All Star form for the Dodgers? That could never happen. Except to a character I will name Badrian Bonzalez.
Just came down here quickly to say:
PITCH!! Holy crap, that looks amazing. I really hope it’s good.
It occurred to me the other day that it’s hardly been six months since the much-anticipated site redesign, and I could have sworn there were still some features that were on the way, like a series page. Gah, this is all so sad.
If you don’t mind talking about it, Nicole, how did that factor in your decision to close the Toast less than a year after what I understand to be a major investment? You said in your post that ad revenue took a big hit (also related to the redesign, I know), and I know Mallory’s burned out, and all the other sufficient reasons you listed for this decision — but I hate to think you didn’t get your money’s worth out of what was also a huge time and labor commitment.
Anyway. Looking forward to buying up those totes, if I can get in before they sell out.
My Dad got his copy of the Dad Magazine book in the mail yesterday and he calls me last night and says, “I’ve been trying to use the phone numbers and websites of these cool ads in the book… but I just realized they were all fake ads.”
Achievement unlocked: Peak Dad
what a beautiful world we live in
In other news, I keep fantasizing about delivering a lecture to an awkward coworker on emotional labor and why it’s a good thing we’re so repressed in American work culture, because the alternative means stressing out your coworkers. Last week there was a moment when I had to deliver him a teensy bit of bad news (Training dept wanted to draft new content and images for a manual that’s due this week; it’s doable, if last-minute), and he responded by crushing a coffee cup between his hands. It was a little bit alarming. And then today I told him that that bad news had been retracted, Training said never mind and what we have is fine, and he responded by banging his head (lightly) against his cubicle wall.
I can’t even look at him, half the time we’re interacting, he makes me so uncomfortable by his lack of restraint. Even though I feel I understand his neurosis (he does on the outside what I do on the inside). But he is almost a decade older than me. I did advise him toward the end of today to “learn some zen.”
EESH. I’m shuddering just hearing about it. That kind of behavior makes me so, so uncomfortable too. I don’t really have any advice other than going to HR if it escalates, but I just wanted to commiserate and say I’m sorry you have to deal with that.
I’d talk to him seriously before I go to HR, because I feel we have something of a rapport (he’s organized a few social events, like beer tours around Portland, because a handful of us were all new here; and then of course my good friends got laid off, and I’m left with the super-awkward fellow, but at LEAST he hasn’t tried to invite me out for lunch or anything where it’s just the two of us — I would have to decline; and I’m careful not to mention the fact that I still meet up with my laid-off friends, because we’ve never tried to invite him).
I really do feel bad for him, because I know exactly how terrible it feels to make repeated efforts to organize people for social events and never have it be reciprocated, or to be deliberately left out of future meet-ups. On the other hand, he drunkenly made a scene once in a Portland downtown bar by going on an unprompted rant defending the Confederate flag and criticizing the NAACP, so that’s all on him.
Oh, sure, I only advocate for HR if it’s called for, which it isn’t in this case, which is why I’m so at a loss for advice — because yeah, jeez, what do you do? It sucks all around.
That being said, he lost any sympathy from me at “an umprompted rant defending the Confederate flag,” so.
Also, hi, I’m in Portland too! Maybe…maybe we already knew this about each other? I can’t remember at this point who I know is here, and I’m not on Facebook so I can’t be part of the PDX Toasties group. Anyway, *waves*
Yessss, this is why I will continue to fantasize/rehearse a lecture on emotional labor until the moment seems right.
I know! He’s a white dude from a small Texas town, but come on dude, you’re bar-hopping in Portland now. Get a filter for your shitty opinions.
PORTLANDER! Aw, sorry you can’t join the PDX Toasties group. PLEASE come hang out with us (possibly just me, omg) at the Thorns game this Saturday evening!!! Here’s a link to buy a ticket (use the Purchase by Price tab for a GA ticket, it’s about $20.50 once all the fees are calculated). We can exchange contact info then!
1. Sorry about uncomfortable coworker 🙁
2. I now dearly wish I was near Portland so that I could go to that game, I’m so jealous. Have fun!
How is HR not called for here? Last time this dude was given bad news, he broke something. That’s not acceptable office behavior, period.
He’s a volatile dude who acts out physically in the office, and has gone on drunken racist rants elsewhere. You are not obligated to handle that yourself, and no one else is either.
But it was a paper coffee cup! A ceramic mug that left sharp pieces on the carpet or even a spill (I don’t think anything spilled from the paper cup, I was watching) would have been another level, yes.
He’s just had his one-year anniversary, and I think he has some ability to modulate his behavior when presenting to the executive team, including the CEO (as he does regularly in his role as program manager), because SOMEHOW he survived the goddamn layoffs that took about 40% of the company, including a lot of hella qualified and awesome people who knew quite well how to behave in an office.
Really, his behavior falls into that gray area that makes people uncomfortable or tense, but isn’t actually threatening, and we’ve all kinda gotten used to it over the last year of working with him. :/ Which is not to say I wouldn’t pass up the opportunity to critique him in an organized peer review, or if I find the right opportunity with him personally, as I mentioned before.
I have Lundy Bancroft’s “Why Does He Do That” practically running on a tape through my head right now.
He doesn’t have “some ability to modulate his behavior when presenting to the executive team.” He always has the ability to choose how he behaves. He is choosing to express himself via physical overreactions only with people who he believes are powerless to express or act on their discomfort.
The thing where he makes people tense and you’ve all gotten used to it is not benign.
Can you request the opportunity to critique him in an organized peer review?
I totally understand where you’re coming from, and I’d be probably be saying something similar to someone else talking about a coworker here, but I’ve been interacting with him for a year and I recognize his nervous/stress behavior. I am not defending him, I just want to explain that what he’s doing does not make himself look good or intimidate anyone to be on his side or do what he wants. He gets nothing out of it in the short or long term.
I probably ought to respect someone in his role more than I do, but I really don’t respect him, because of how he behaves! I could and would request an organized peer review if I felt it necessary. I mean, I would just go directly to my boss and explain how this dude was making me uncomfortable, if it gets to that point. But the discomfort I’m talking about is more about being around someone who is painfully socially inept. Like secondhand embarrassment. And I had no problem shutting him down when he went on that racist rant at the bar.
I have been around assholes all my life, and I recognize the manipulative sort, don’t worry.
I have a coworker like that, it is the worst. Fortunately, I got assigned to do a peer review of him and was able to parlay that into a frank convo with our mutual boss about the issue, which led to me not having to deal with him anymore! Best possible outcome.
Ask A Manager has some timely advice on emotionally inappropriate bosses today: http://www.askamanager.org/2016/05/how-to-work-fo…
it’s not exactly the same as a coworker, but maybe helpful?
Sending you good vibes and hopes that the environment improves soon.
I would love that opportunity! We’ll see if it ever comes up — and at least I’m not intimidated by my awkward coworker, so I really could have a serious convo with him if it’s the right occasion.
Thanks for the link — I follow Alison Green religiously. But yeah, it’s not quite the same scenario. When my coworker was in the middle of crushing his coffee cup, I raised my eyebrows and repeated levelly, “This is not a big deal, this is actually good news, no work was wasted, we’re still on time.” And he goes, “GAH, I know, but it shouldn’t have even happened –” And I repeated again that it was all fine. Textbook example of emotional labor, man.
I get that his job is trying to align all these moving pieces (some of which behave very independently) in order to deliver projects on time, and there’s a lot of pressure from above to do this (and it’s not helped by how many of the moving pieces REALLY DON’T LIKE HIM, I wonder WHY), but he keeps reacting to things that are only causing disruption in parallel universes, even though they’re not causing an impact in this one. As I told him, he needs to learn some zen.
OH, but this dude is nothing compared to the tyrannical supervisor with whom I shared an office for nine months in 2013, when I had much less work experience and was vulnerable to a lot of his bullshit (basically everything I learned about workplace bullshit is thanks to him). HIS response to the teensiest mistake was “I’m going to quit my job, change my name, and move to another town.” He repeated this like a mantra. And he accused ME of being overly emotional.
OT but in anticipation of this bar succumbing to gentrification I watched normal-sized Magic Mike last night so I’ll better understand why he’s so much extra larger in the sequel. I’m assuming a radioactive pants spider, but prepared for whatever.
I didn’t know how much I needed a Magic Mike Superhero Movie until right now.
The first one was so cute: Old catcher’s mitt-face McConadoodle and Tatum Tots, who is somehow a human not-fully-cooked chocolate chip cookie (the only kind I ever like, salmonella risk be damned). By the time The Toast is no more I hope I’ll have stopped conflating all the sized Mikes with Mad Max and also Bruce Springsteen bc I read the map wrong and ended up on Thunder Road. Old people/young website can be rough.
I didn’t know how much I needed the phrase radioactive pants spider.
Ciao, y’all. I’m off to be the radioactive pants spider I need to see in the world.
Yet another (almost certainly fake) bomb threat called into my university during finals. I find it tiresome that this keeps happening, semester after semester.
People are awful. That happened a couple times even at my very small university. I’m sorry you have to deal with it.
Toasties, I don’t know if I’m a bad boss or if the woman I hired is just not the best employee.
I don’t know if I’m good at my job, but I know I never wanted the responsibility I have now.
I don’t know how much of this is because life outside of work has been incredibly busy and stressful and my partner is in a bit of a depression downswing and we just have so much to do and less time for each other because of it.
I’m just so tired.
**Toast-Hugs**
Thank you.
You probably hired someone who isn’t working out. It’s good that you are trying to make her better, but be prepared for some people not being able to step up. And don’t blame yourself, provided you have been clear with her about expectations and given her a chance and the resources to meet them.
This is life-normal for people who are bosses.
Thank you, I posted a novel of a clarification below.
Could you downscale your job to make things less stressful? I personally learned I’m not cut out for intensely high powered jobs, I just can’t handle the workload that some people can, and I’ve been much more serene since I accepted that. You sound burned out and I’m very sorry. Maybe you could take a leave of absence to sort out what might help?
I clarified a bit below. Thank you!
Some clarification:
I hired a woman in December. Her 2016 has literally been the worst 2016 it’s possible for a single human to have. There has been a lot of family tragedy is what I’m saying. It’s all really legitimate stuff that has had her missing much more time than a person would normally want to miss in their first six months at work. We’re not a terrible company, though, so we can work with her around a lot of this stuff. Because she’s been so in and out I feel like maybe she hasn’t had enough routine to settle into some of the things she’s supposed to do. but also there are things I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have had to explicitly explain?
Like “Don’t come to work when your eyes have been dilated and you literally can’t see, I don’t care that you had to be out last Friday.”
Like “Please let me know every day when you go to lunch so I can cover the front desk because the whole point of having two of us is that the front desk has more coverage.”
Like “Take your lunches when your co-workers are taking lunches and actually talk to them.” (The front desk is a really isolated location and I cannot be her friend and also her boss, you know?)
Additionally I feel like her family (who are legitimately going through some shit) is taking our general flexibility for granted and dropping shit on her with short notice that means she has to leave early, but like, how can I say no to “I need to pick my stepmom up from surgery, I just found out at lunch.”? Even when that’s starting to be an issue? We share responsibilities covering the front desk. The desk needs to be covered. When someone has to leave early that means the front desk is not covered.
How much of this stuff is me not being clear in my expectations/explanations and how much is because 2016 is crapping all over this poor woman leaving her exhausted and distracted and how much is it just potentially her?
My Job:
I took over as Office Manager when the previous one left back in October. I had been hired as a part-time receptionist and I basically got promoted without my permission? But I got a hella raise and I only work four days a week and now I have health benefits so that’s great.
I know I’m good at some parts of my job (I am boss at ordering snacks and planning events) but there’s other shit I know I’m just letting the ball drop on and then there’s stuff I was never even fully trained on because I had like three weeks to be taught how to do this job. I would say at least once a month I learn a new thing the previous office manager used to do and then I need to try to incorporate that into my task lists. All the things I was doing prior to taking over this job are still things I do solidly and consistently, but I barely remember to do filing tasks every other month and in spite of using a to-do app to keep track of people’s requests there’s stuff that slips through the cracks.
Today I came in and one of my co-workers (one who semi-regularly emails me to ask me to do a part of my job that I should already be doing) had cleaned out the fridge, which is part of my job description, and I’m so pissed with myself that it came to that and I just feel like a shitty employee.
I was just happier as a part-time receptionist. It was low-key, mostly mindless, and I could work on my own stuff in my downtime and it wasn’t a big deal.
Outside Work:
Never again am I producing a burlesque show in the same month that I’m performing in my circus school’s spring showcase.
Also I’m producing a burlesque play for end of June and we start rehearsals tomorrow.
Tonight is our anniversary but he has a haircut and I have a rehearsal for the circus show and we need to squeeze in a trip to the store so we can have a real dinner at the table. (We’re actually celebrating on Saturday but I wanted to do SOMETHING tonight. Also, we consistently forget our anniversary so him scheduling a haircut isn’t inconsiderate–i forgot when I scheduled my circus rehearsal.) It’s just so much and when he’s in a depressive downswing he gets really touch-averse and I NEED physical affection and I haven’t been getting enough of it in the last month and a lot of things are just hard right now. (We just had a talk about it on Monday and we laid out some plans for Life Shit and the Re-Weighting of Responsibilities and Tasks and I’m confident it’s going to get better but it hasn’t been long enough to make a big difference yet.)
And I just never seem to get enough sleep.
You definitely sound overscheduled. School, play rehearsals, a depressed husband, a promotion you weren’t prepared adequately for and a difficult employee. After the play ends in June, I would not sign up for anything else like that for at least six months. And I’d go to HR for advice for dealing with the employee. She deserves some slack, but you are right, the last minute and taking for granted stuff needs to end. I would work with them to gently convey that to her. As for your own job, if you have something like an Outlook calendar, I would use the hell out of it to put daily and weekly pop-up reminders for yourself for everything you have to do. I do that and it helps me, I can’t keep everything in my head.
Producing is my business and my passion. Work is really just a way to fund that. The good news is that after June the next big project isn’t until October, and also I can almost entirely reuse existing sets for that one. I also won’t be doubling-up production timelines–I did a big show on May 13th and I was just locked into this timeline because of when I could get into theaters.
I do use a combination of an Outlook calendar and my to-do list but I think I gotta get more stuff into my Outlook with reminders.
Thank you!
Lots and lots of sympathy to you.
I don’t know who you report to, but I think you need to talk to them about the situation, and make sure they know exactly what you are communicating to the person. If she is doing a job that requires front desk coverage, then there needs to be a limit to how often she is unable to do that, and it’s probably not your job to decide exactly what that limit is. Once it is decided, you need to communicate that to your report, so she can be aware that she is on thin ice.
In general, though, all your “should I have to explain” things are, to me, yesses. Especially in lower-end jobs, you will have people who don’t share your assumptions of what reasonable job performance is, or what a good excuse is, and if you don’t set those expectations up front, you’ll end up arguing each instance as a separate case. It’s better to have a policy that says “If you can’t perform your job duties, you have to take it as sick time” and “If you are missing x amount of days per quarter, you are not meeting performance standards and will end up on a plan.” It is fine to say “I appreciate you have serious family circumstances, and you need to decide if you should leave and take care of them, but we can’t support more than x family emergencies per quarter.”
I had a report with similar flex issues and I’m sympethetic to how squishy it can get. She didn’t have to cover a desk, though. That is not a squishy productivity judgement thing. It is binary.
She does have a good work ethic and does really want to succeed. I mostly just need her family to stop calling her at noon and dropping tasks in her lap. Like she needs to do some serious reading of Captain Awkward and build a Team Her, but I can’t be part of that team.
She’s great on the phones and solid at making supply orders and keeping up with filing tasks. I just want to be able to *rely* on her, you know? And it’s hard when I don’t know when some random stuff is going to come up.
Thank you.
Oh man, I agree with fleurdamour that you are legit overwhelmed right now. I’m especially sorry for the relationship trouble, that must be the hardest part.
I can only address a few things about the employee issues:
I have learned that someone can be going through a real crisis and suffering, but you still have to draw some boundaries with them. Ask a Manager has TERRIFIC advice on this, though unfortunately I don’t have time at the moment to find the right posts. I can summarize what I’ve read, though: as her manager, sit down and have a gentle talk, showing your real sympathy and compassion for what she and her family are going through, but then explaining how her responsibilities still have to get done regardless, and you can’t keep covering for her, because you have your own responsibilities to manage. Tell her that you and the company want to keep being flexible, but that she needs to meet a minimum of lunches/hours covered.
OH, I just thought of and found one very relevant advice post about how to handle a lot of last-minute schedule change requests.
As for the list of things you feel like you shouldn’t have to tell her — I’m with you all the way to the last one. You’re right that you can’t be both her friend and her boss, but I don’t think you should worry about whether she makes friends with other coworkers during lunch. Unless this is her very first job, she knows how to do that (unless she has a misconception of having a set lunch hour at a different time). And speaking personally, I hate making small talk with coworkers during lunch, unless I’m really friends with them and want to talk. Lunch hour is my one time of the day I’m not required to interact pleasantly with everyone who walks up to me. I would love to retreat into a hole to eat my lunch and read my advice blogs (like Ask a Manager) for the duration. So yeah, especially since she’s a receptionist, she may also want her lunch hour alone to decompress (although there is an issue of how people often treat you as if you’re still working, when you eat at your desk — I guess that could also be an issue, so I’d just make sure she knows that — that’s the end of your responsibility).
Thank you!
For the last one–you’re right. This isn’t her first job, but it is the first job for a company that isn’t a dehumanizing mess that penalizes people for taking too many bathroom breaks. I know what it’s like to have a shitty previous job really mess up your expectations of what jobs are like.
I had a bunch of shit here about my thought process but really it’s not relevant. She needs friends here that aren’t me but it’s not my job to make them for her.
It sounds like you’re a new boss with a new employee and I think these things will settle down with time and with you setting clear expectations.
The first question will settle down as you set expectations around use of personal leave.
The second question, I would set expectations around desk coverage (always 50/50? She covers it more since you have other tasks too? Is there a regular schedule and how do you negotiate changing it? In terms of changing it, how much notice does she need to give you? I would probably start not allowing last-minute changes for things that could have been worked out in the past e.g. her stepmom most likely would have known about the surgery further in advance than “lunchtime”. This is a reasonable boundary to draw provided you give her enough advance notice about it, so, the time to tell her about this rule to tell her when you decide on it, rather than next time she asks.
The last one I think is something you can suggest once but it’s her free time and her choice what to do with her break. I’d look for other ways she can build relationships within a work context. Even small interactions will help there, so perhaps she could take deliveries to the staff members, or help someone collate their bulk printing, or something along those lines. Staff morning teas are useful for building relationships too.
I think that as you set your expectations and establish a system going forward, things will settle down more, and you can address further issues as they develop.
I know i’m super late today ut just in case anyone happens to see this is there a general Toastie-Slack
I do not know what a Slack is but I remember seeing a lot of people talking about it. I think there is some info on the toast is closing post from Friday.
It is basically a nicely organized group chat thing, with different channels for different topics. I hadn’t used it before the Toastie one was created but it’s pretty great!
JOIN US
Yes, there is, email ppyajunebug at gmail for an invite.
GUYS my coworker who got peer pressured by cyclists into shaving his legs decided to tell me how guys dope up on Viagra to race better. I was like, wouldn’t that just divert blood to less useful appendages? And he responded
haha one would think
i’ve never tried it, but i hear that the brain is able to differentiate
between intimacy and abject human suffering
I’m dying.
Have you considered the possibility that your coworker is the modern-day incarnation of Monk #1?
!!!! I just… this is first equal for best thing I’ve seen today.
He’s heard wrong.
Right? Whole relationships can be built on that inability to differentiate.
hahah. That little text-poem is beautiful, but I think you are more correct than he is.
(Also, is this the place to note how *irritating* the whole ‘cycling = suffering’ thing is?? Having done some distance cycling, yes, there were moments I was like ‘hunh, is this what dying is going to feel like?’ BUUUUT I also know that a FANCY HOBBY you have CHOSEN TO DO and can STOP AT ANY TIME is not reaaaaalllly “suffering” in any sane sense of the word.
/eor, thank you for listening.
Yeah, I dunno why he keeps cycling when he describes it as “abject human suffering.” I figure it has something to do with how his only other hobbies seem to be hanging out at the bar his high school buddies go to, and endlessly rewatching movies alone at home.
So, “abject human suffering” seems to be his bag.
“i hear that the brain is able to differentiate
between intimacy and abject human suffering”
I need to read the rest of this poem, which is probably by Auden.
Can we talk about the Jane the Virgin finale?
:sob:
(I mean, I wasn’t totally shocked about the one, but I have so many feels about Petra.)
This article came through my FB feed this morning, http://qz.com/685852/hookup-culture/?utm_source=a… and I scrolled through the comments and fingers were poised to reply, but then, as if time itself stopped to give me a chance to consider my ways, my hands froze mid-poise, mouth mid-gape, and no. Just no. Because I wisely read The Toast first thing in the morning and I was aware of the pitfalls.
Speaking of Dear Prudence, the letter from “Worried About Damage” about halfway down the page here:
http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/…
… made me full body flinch. Who has unresolved class issues from being being raised by an addict, haha, not me.
Uhhh I was raised by two functional alcoholics and I scowled at that letter too. I mean: “The trouble is he has no clue about life. He’s never had a sit-down family dinner, and he doesn’t know about cleaning or chores. He has a room in a boarding house and eats every meal out.”
I’m sorry, when was Life solely defined as “that which you experience growing up in a stable, upper-middle-class home where both parents are home for a well-rounded meal, the cost of which is not an issue, and well-meaning adults gently guide you through the motions of Caring For Oneself, so that you always graduate school on time and find independent solo living arrangements and a job that pays well enough with set hours so that you can always home-cook high-quality ingredients” ?!
I hope she breaks it off with him. For his sake. Because he deserves better than a partner who clutches her imaginary pearls at the thought of a BOARDINGHOUSE and EATING FOOD FROM OUTSIDE YOUR KITCHEN.
It seems that he’s taking a lot of good steps to try and NOT repeat his parent’s mistakes, too, such as going to community college, wanting to learn how to cook and clean, etc. It makes me sad that for her it isn’t enough. And it’s also weird that she views him as being inexperienced at ‘life’ when he certainly would have had to grow up much quicker than she has.
Yeah, I’d be pissed if he was assuming she’d teach him to cook, but it sounds like he’d just like to and is hoping she’ll help? And also that he’s fully capable of feeding himself – he’s not expecting her to cook for him all the time, just help him learn (which she is fully within her rights not to want to do! But she is not within her rights to equate “not having learned skills” or “not having a family-sitcom childhood” with “being too emotionally damaged to be capable of a healthy relationship ever”)
Very late to this, but some sad personal news below. Looking for thoughts, prayers, or general advice.
Came home at the end of the semester to learn that my parents have separated. There’s been a tremendous amount of death/sickness and changing roles in my family for the last year, and some unspoken fissures that have always been there in the marriage rose to the surface and were acknowledged. And that led to the realization that separation was needed.
Anyway, things are very cordial and peaceful, even downright pleasant, but it’s also super weird and hard to go back to a home that doesn’t quite exist as it did before. Being an adult child of divorce (er, “separation”) is… it’s a weird feeling.
I’m very sorry. My wife’s parents are separating after 35 years of marriage and it’s been very hard on everyone, especially when they packed up her childhood home. It’s sort of like unraveling a very long tapestry–you hope that it’s done gently and that the threads can be woven back together in a new way.
For the foreseeable future my mom is keeping the house, and my dad is living in a house a block away with the exact same layout, but it’s still so weeeeird.
I’m so sorry to hear that. My husband’s parents separated not once but twice over 6-ish years, until they finally divorced four years ago. It was very painful and strange for him, and yes, he’s never quite been comfortable in his childhood home since then. I think being an adult child of divorce can be very, very hard. It might be worth seeking out low-cost counseling services in your town, or when you go back to school, just to have a place to talk about the weirdness. Don’t feel like just because you are an adult, you shouldn’t have a hard time with it!
What’s helped him is something that may not apply to you (since you’re still in school and may not have an SO): he leaned on my parents. Even when we weren’t married, my parents welcomed him in and gave him a calm, relaxed and whole family to be a part of when things got uncomfortable with his parents. So…if you have a best friend with a family you love, or an SO with a great family, or maybe just awesome family friends, now’s the time to take advantage of that (assuming it’s offered).
Apologies for not having better advice. Toastie hugs if you want them!
No, I really do appreciate the advice! I’m a grad student in my late 20’s, no SO currently, but I’ve been hanging out with my extended family. I’m close with my grandparents, aunts and uncles, etc., and due to the low-key nature of the conflict and separation there isn’t a sense of having to ~choose~ parents.
Honestly, the whole thing is just strange in the sense that hardly anything has changed, except for the fact that my dad is renting a home a block away. My parents lived parallel lives for a _long_ time, and tbh they’re getting along better than they have in, well, forever. It’s just sad, I guess, to see some things I always knew and feared confirmed.
Anywho: my extended family and friends have been great, even as life is weird.
I’m so glad your extended family and friends are there for you during this time of sadness and weirdness.
To the person who wonders if you can cheat in an open relationship, yes, you can. Like any relationship it’s about trust, communication, and respecting boundaries. It sounds like your partner is violating all of those. I was especially struck by the comment he made about you trying to “put him back in a cage” after you had willingly offered to open the relationship until you could work things out. That’s not very respectful or mature of him, in my opinion. If he thinks of his relationship with you as a “cage” which suggests he feels trapped even though you are in separate countries, it’s probably over.
Lawnmower Man from Dear Prudence.
OK, the LW weeding the flowerbeds was on her, but I notice that even within the male-coded job of outside work, mowing the lawn is a blue job and weeding and otherwise taking care of the beds is a pink job. And sitting on a ride-on is much more pleasant than bending or kneeling down in the dirt. Not equivalent.
But, more importantly, and I probably picked it up because I have a female friend who is the sole breadwinner, and also considered solely responsible for the housework and cooking, etc., and also does much of the home repair because her partner is too impatient to work his way through what needs to be done, and her partner spends an inordinate amount of time mowing the lawn….
I thought of Joey’s Problem”:
“For Evan, also, the dog came to symbolize the entire second shift: it became a fetish. Other men, I
found, had second-shift fetishes too. When I asked one man what he did to share the work of the home, he
answered, “I make all the pies we eat.” He didn’t have to share much responsibility for the home, “pies” did it
for him. Another man grilled fish. Another baked bread. In their pies, their fish, and their bread, such men
converted a single act into a substitute for a multitude of chores in the second shift, a token. Evan took care
of the dog.”
Maybe I’m reading too much into it, but I got the sense that the LW barely scratched the surface of what was going on.
Yeah, it really depends on whether she’s mad because she wanted to spend more time with him, or because he did things a way that she thinks is wrong, or because he’ll point to this later and be like, “I shouldn’t have to do the dishes, I spent half of my Saturday mowing the lawn!” For what it’s worth, I think Mallory was right in this case, but you make an excellent point.
I hadn’t seen Joey’s Problem before. Thanks for linking–it’s super interesting (while also being horrifying and depressing D: ).
Oof, yeah. It’s been addressed before in AskaManager how working in a toxic environment can really screw you up for subsequent good ones. So I think it’s okay to gently remind her of your policies and expectations.
I’ve never been a manager, but I can imagine how tough it must be when you feel for someone and want to help them out more, but know you must maintain boundaries. Good for you, though, I’m glad you know it.
It also feels a little hypocritical because I spent maybe her first month going, “Um, you just told me your infant son is being taken to the ER. PLEASE LEAVE THE OFFICE AND GO BE WITH YOUR CHILD IN THE ER.” “You will not be fired if you need to run across the street to the drugstore for cough medicine during work hours.” “Please, I swear, pee as many times a day as you want.”
I (and to be fair, she) just didn’t know how the next four months of Life Shit were going to shake out, and now the emergency absences are starting to be a problem.
HELLO Toast! I don’t know if this’ll catch wind several hours after all the comments… but I am a looooong time reader, and this is my first comment. I’m inspired by past discussions of doing writing workshops together as Toasties and I just signed up for this Coursera online poetry workshop. it’s free if you don’t opt for a course certificate. Wondering if any other lil toastlers are interested in taking it, too, and if you’d like to reignite a corresponding slack/ghangout/corner of the Google Group?
Anyhow, it’s called Sharpened Visions and it’s through CalArts (https://www.coursera.org/learn/poetry-workshop)
Pleasure to meet you all. I’ve been needing some prodding to write more (or at all) so I’m going to push through the awkwardness of a MOOC. Also, plug for any Los Angeles Toasties- I love sitting in coffee shops or bars to write and doodle!
HELLO Toast! I don’t know if this’ll catch wind several hours after all the comments… but I am a looooong time reader, and this is my first comment. I’m inspired by past discussions of doing writing workshops together as Toasties and I just signed up for this Coursera online poetry workshop. it’s free if you don’t opt for a course certificate. Wondering if any other lil toastlers are interested in taking it, too, and if you’d like to reignite a corresponding slack/ghangout/corner of the Google Group?
The course is here: https://www.coursera.org/learn/poetry-workshop
It’s taught by a poet named Doug Kearns. I did the first lecture and it’s rather entertaining so far– starts off with some basics.
I’ve been feeling a little isolated lately so here I come barreling into the great online! So nice to meet all of you. I’m game to talk poems, Los Angeles, kitties, and being forever single. Cheers!
I'm in an open relationship with two people, and if anyone pulled Selfish Lying-by-Omission Dude's routine on me, they'd be shit-canned.
Co-signed. An open relationship means you need to maintain the relationship, which entails treating your partner(s) with actual respect.
Yeah, I dunno why he keeps cycling when he describes it as "abject human suffering." I figure it has something to do with how his only other hobbies seem to be hanging out at the bar his high school buddies go to, and endlessly rewatching movies alone at home.
Good news, I have signed up and am in the UK.