If Ted Cruz Were Your Husband

by Kathleen Cooper · May 24, 2016

If Ted Cruz were your husband, he’d stock the pantry with 100 cans of soup because he doesn’t expect you to cook. He understands that your career is just as important as his career, and he is just a thoughtful guy. You protested that you liked to cook and 100 cans of soup were extreme, but your mother said, “Let Ted have his soup. A marriage is about give and take and understanding your partner’s needs. Maybe soup makes Ted feel safe.” You’d begin to understand that each of the 100 cans was Ted saying “I love you.”

If Ted Cruz were your husband, he’d wake you each morning by singing a Broadway show tune. Not just the chorus either, but the entire song from the original cast album. Ted likes to call you from wherever he is and sing “There is Nothing like a Dame” to tell you he misses you. You know exactly how Ted is feeling by what song he’s singing: songs from Carousel when he’s feeling amorous, Sweeney Todd if he’s feeling murderous. You knew he was running for president when he’d call and sing the songs from 1776.

If Ted Cruz were your husband, you’d start to see cans of soup turn up in unlikely places, like those ubiquitous garden gnomes. You’d spy a stranger in the crowd holding up a can of Chipotle Chicken and Corn Chowder, and you’d startle, and then think, “Those are NOT traditional chowder flavors!”  When you’d get in an elevator, there would be a can of soup in the corner. When you’d get into an Uber there would be a can of Chunky Goulash on the seat. 

If Ted Cruz were your husband, you would plot to get rid of that baggy old trench coat he has. Every time you donated it though, it would reappear in the coat closet as if you’d never thrown it out. After a few tries you’d notice that favorite things of yours started to disappear, every time you donated that coat. When you would buy him a new coat, the old one would take its place. Soon you’d start to see the old coat out of the corner of your eye hanging in odd places, but when you’d turn your head to look, the coat wouldn’t be there anymore.

If Ted Cruz were your husband, you’d learn that Chunky Soup was one of Ted’s love languages; like the language of flowers, only more rich and nuanced. Classic Chicken and Noodle means Ted wants to take care of you, Sirloin Burger with Country Vegetables means “I’m in the mood for love,” Wicked Thai Style Chicken means “Let’s get kinky,” Cheesy Stuffed Baked Potato means “I want to simplify the tax code.”

If Ted Cruz were your husband, you would slowly purge color from your wardrobe. You would dress in sleek neutrals, and suddenly get your hair cut in a sleek bob, “for summer,” and wear only a simple gold watch as jewelry. No one would notice the change but your mother but she would approve.

If Ted Cruz were your husband, you would laugh softly whenever the topic of the Zodiac Killer came up, and you’d explain that not only was it chronologically impossible for Ted to have committed those murders, “Ted was just a baby, and besides, even then he was a much better writer,” making a joke out of it.

If Ted Cruz were your husband, you might find a mysterious amulet on his dresser one night, but when he saw you looking at it, he’d whisk it out of sight. Later you realized you’d seen those symbols before on the back of the dollar bill.

If Ted Cruz were your husband, you’d notice that crows seemed to follow him around, making loud squawks to each other and sometimes sitting and listening, their heads nodding. “It’s just a weird coincidence,” you’d think, until you recognized that it was always the same crows. Once you thought you saw Ted and a crow exchange glances and a nod, but you told yourself it was a trick of the light.

If Ted Cruz were your husband he would say “When I clerked for Justice Rehnquist at the Supreme Court…” so often you’d have mugs and t-shirts printed with that phrase for him and his staff to use, as a Father’s Day gift.

If Ted Cruz were your husband, you would know his secret passion was flamenco, and his fondest dream was to go to Spain and take lessons from a master. In his spare time he dances flamenco for exercise, and his most treasured possession is his hand-embroidered flamenco jacket.

If Ted Cruz were your husband, you would call his hotel and order room service avocado toast as a joke, because he hates avocados. Then he’d notice the soup and cheese bouquet you sent and he’d smile at your thoughtfulness.

*

(image via)

Kathleen Cooper is a writer from Virginia. Her work has appeared in The Toast, The Airship, The Washington Post, and Medium. When she isn’t rooting for the California Golden Bears, she designs textile art, reads cookbooks in bed, and wrangles two cats, a golden retriever, and her husband.

184 Comments

    1. tabbylavalamp +75

      I think I understand.

      To prepare us for July 1st by numbing the pain with horror.

    1. emmysuhweeks +25

      Yeah, I would maybe actually like one of these? Unrelated to Cruz, of course.

    2. ronitb +21

      Is there any bread in that bouquet? Because then it’s basically the perfect gift

  4. paintingthegreyarea +113

    I need a brain scrub just after reading that headline why why whyyyyyyy

  6. StoatCat +363

    There is no part of my own body I would not personally chew through to escape from being underneath Ted Cruz.

      1. Cordelia +29

        No sane woman would want to have any part of Ted Cruz inside of her. Chewing through your own body is merely unpleasant, but chewing through his…

    3. CruzInNeutral +15

      Personally chew? Hold on. Ted is a caring guy. He will chew through that body part for you. 🙂

      1. whollyword +46

        I feel so bad for her. Not only does she get elbowed in the face, repeatedly, on TV, she is also married to Ted Cruz.

        1. aintnothingtoit +4

          For real. Though, I comfort myself with the hope that she is equally as terrible as him…?

      2. sporkening +13

        Eh, this gif is amateur hour. He doesn’t even use both his elbows. The resigned expression on her face = “oh my god this shit again i linked you that youtube tutorial IF YOU CAN’T UTILIZE THE COUNTERFORCE AT LEAST ENGAGE YOUR CORE”

    6. Bent_fork +18

      This is the first time I realized that there’s two recent politician + elbow stories.

  10. awfulvelocipedestrienne +79

    This started off terrifying from the headline and just kept getting worse.

  11. StoatCat +197

    So, Cruz is a soup vampire.

    He doesn’t use an opener of any kind; not even a jacknife. His own curiously strong eyeteeth suffice for even the most difficult of cans, and then he suckles and laps away at the puncture wounds in broken tin.

    1. jifueko +95

      “suckles and laps”

      Oh…oh gawd I don’t want to imagine Cruz suckling or lapping anything

  12. Smug_the_Dragon +94

    If you are the monster, are we all your creator?

    Because, you are a monster.

  14. Social +87

    Thanks to the photo accompanying this piece, I realized that Ted Cruz has freckles. This was not a revelation I ever wanted, or cared to know.

    1. champagneghost +142

      like the spider with the violin on its body, if you can see ted cruz’s freckles YOU ARE TOO CLOSE TO TED CRUZ

      1. literarysara +144

        spider with the violin on its body = brown recluse
        brown recluse rhymes with clown ted cruz
        this cannot be a coincidence

  17. builtahouse +337

    I love how “If X Were Your Y” started out as wistful wish-fulfillment and slowly morphed into an existential horror-genre that Rules Us.

    ahahahahahaha aaauuuggghhhhh

    1. projectbeks +133

      I think you’ve summed up this website rather succinctly. “Wistful wish-fulfillment slowly morphing into existential horror. And books.”

      1. builtahouse +71

        this lovely comment has given me passage to peacefully board the boat & sail with the Toast to the Undying Lands.

        Or diminsh, go into the West, and remain myself.

        whichever LoTR metaphor works better.

  18. bird_internet +348

    If Ted Cruz was your husband, he’d wait a good six months into the marriage to show you how he takes off his almost-realistic human suit before ingesting the soup that powers his centrifuges. Sometimes you find it in the wash when you go to do laundry, and you sigh quietly, knowing it needs to be rubbed down with furniture oil to maintain its glossy sheen.

    3. pretty_monster +110

      is it machine safe? can it go in the dryer? or do we have a “hand wash in cold, lay flat to dry” situation???

      perhaps you have to press it between two towels to remove excess moisture before gently draping it onto a human-form, so as to prevent shirking and creasing? skin suits are prone to both, you know. THEN you lovingly rub it with oil while quietly humming the Campbell’s Soup jingle to yourself.

      1. champagneghost +89

        STAAAAHHHHHPPPPPP this was like the reading version of having someone repeatedly whispering moist into your ear

      3. alahmnat +65

        Clearly someone forgot it in the washing machine for too long at least once, because, well, just look at him.

      4. Fair_Amoret +28

        And you know… you never get all the lint out of the, um. The crevices.

      6. lavaloving +8

        Literally just got chills and imagines of the “it rubs the lotion on its skin….” scene…

  20. deleted1892326 +181

    This is extraordinary, like a glistening shining slug. So pure and yet so disgusting.

    1. tinypaperme +4

      That seems like the opening sequence of an 80s TV show to me. “Ted Cruz to the White House!” airs at 8:30 (7:30 central) following “Charles in Charge.”

  22. AbigMess +70

    🍜 🍜 🍜 🍜 🍜 🍜 🍜 🍜 🍜 🍜 🍜 🍜 🍜 🍜 🍜 🍜 🍜 🍜 🍜 🍜
    🍜 🍜 🍜 🍜 🍜 🍜 🍜 🍜 🍜 🍜 🍜 🍜 🍜 🍜 🍜 🍜 🍜 🍜 🍜 🍜
    🍜 🍜 🍜 🍜 🍜 🍜 🍜 🍜 🍜 🍜 🍜 🍜 🍜 🍜 🍜 🍜 🍜 🍜 🍜 🍜
    🍜 🍜 🍜 🍜 🍜 🍜 🍜 🍜 🍜 🍜 🍜 🍜 🍜 🍜 🍜 🍜 🍜 🍜 🍜 🍜
    🍜 🍜 🍜 🍜 🍜 🍜 🍜 🍜 🍜 🍜 🍜 🍜 🍜 🍜 🍜 🍜 🍜 🍜 🍜 🍜

  23. thebeagee +162

    I half expected “The FIRST Ms. de Winter” to be mentioned in here somewhere.

    1. cgrimann +24

      Or like, the strange scratching sounds coming from the attic that are later revealed to be the first Mrs. Rochester?
      (was she ever really insane?)

  24. Hoolia +65

    Never have I had such a violent visceral reaction to a Toast headline before. WHY. WHY WOULD YOU.

    2. redheadedwolf +10

      I made such an appalled, revolted noise. ET TU, TOAST?

      I can just imagine our witch queens cackling as they scheduled this post. “And in our FINAL month of running the site…”

  25. TheasyPeasy +101

    I LOVE this, and that is because today I am filled with malice and misery and this is perfect.

    However, I take contention with the crows. Crows are wonderful creatures who are clever and evil and while they would follow Randall Flagg forever, they would surely pick a better (former) presidential candidate to communicate their dark deeds with. They have to respect the evil human puppet/master/puppetmaster and nobody respects Ted Cruz.

    Hmm. Randall Flagg 2024? Running mate: Maleficent? Jean-Baptiste Emmanuel Zorg?

    WAIT. Ursula from the Little Mermaid should be president. So obvious.

      1. paintingthegreyarea +41

        Ted Cruz doesn’t get a bird!

        Birds > Ted Cruz
        Crows >>>> Ted Cruz

        He can commune with freshwater leeches or something.

        1. tinypaperme +32

          Those fish that swim up men’s urethras when they pee in rivers in South America.

          yes I know they don’t really do that but play along with me here

      1. TheasyPeasy +13

        Oh, absolutely, but I still think they’re too smart to have picked Ted Cruz. And Donald Trump just isn’t their style. They are malice writ in bird form, but they are classy malice.

  26. Antonius_Block +176

    If Ted Cruz were your husband, you only married him to steal his time machine (he obviously has a time machine because he needed one to be the zodiac killer) and you would go back in time and right all manner of wrongs, including whatever made Ted Cruz become the person he is.

    Then you would return to the much-improved present, married to a man who is still weird and obsessed with soup, but much more progressive and working as an accountant or something instead of being in politics. You are still FAR too witches for him, but hey – you have a time machine now.

  28. bird_internet +245

    If Ted Cruz were your husband, the two of you would rehearse in your hotel room before his every stage appearance. “You take both of your arms up from your sides in a loose, inviting gesture as you approach the person you intend to hug,” you coach him. “And then you put your arms all the way around the rib cage and bring them together, putting your palms against the shoulders.” He comes towards you with zombie arms and gets one hand around your back, but the other one gets tangled in your hair. “Okay, you’re getting closer. Let’s try again.”

    1. builtahouse +34

      ugggggghhhhhh, but also now you have given it a sweet Warm Bodies vibe that makes me entirely too sympathetic.

    2. whollyword +24

      “Let’s try again.”

      Let’s not and say we did. Good grief!

      *shudder*

  30. Amanda the Ungodly +154

    If Ted Cruz were your husband, you would wake up every night at 2:31 am with an inhaled scream, having died in your nightmare by drowning in a lake of Progresso Reduced Sodium Hearty Minestrone while the gigantic wax-like face of Ted Cruz filled the entire sky above you, and Carly Fiorina sat singing to your children on the shore, clutching desperately with claw-like fingers at their youth and beauty.

  33. fridog +88

    Even if I shower for a thousand years, I will never be clean again. We are the soiled ones, now.

    1. tabbylavalamp +29

      That’s how it starts. Your skin crawls until it finds itself vaguely resembling a Ted Cruz. The next thing you know, you’re howling at the moon and bringing government to a halt.

  35. Nashirakins +35

    This made me realize that I babysat for someone who might have had the misfortune to clerk for Rehnquist at the same time as Cruz. I sincerely hope that was not the case, since she in no way deserved that. Even if I was utterly terrified of her.

  37. Kittygoesroar +219

    This feels like one of those wishes gone horribly wrong. When I said I wanted the toast to live forever in my mind THIS IS NOT WHAT I MEANT.

  39. Mike +44

    I like this as a tone for political criticism. All the stuff about how he’s a monster and he looks like a blobfish feels too cruel too me. I like how this is empathetic and maybe even moderately affectionate, like when Dahlia Lithwick writes about him.

    That said (and any nice things about Ted Cruz seem to get appended with a similar disclaimer) I think his career has been monstrous and everything he wants to do will hurt people and make the world a worse place.

    2. Mrs_Peel +40

      But have you considered that perhaps he IS a literal monster and blobfish

      How do we know for sure

  43. NotBob +184

    I know your name is Kathleen but I feel you’ve deserved a “Jesus Christ, Mallory” anyway.

    I may never look at canned soup the same, eeeuuuurggghhh

  44. Goomaly +75

    I want to see a collage of everyone’s face when they saw this headline.

    Also a chorus of everyone saying THE FUCK??

    1. sabinabemani +12

      I think I might ruin this collage… my reaction was uncontrollable LOL (though my expression might have been really uncomfortable and scared)

  46. aqwaplop +151

    If Ted Cruz were your husband, you would be unable to simply call him “Ted,” or even say “my husband.” You would always, always refer to him as “Ted Cruz.”

    1. tabbylavalamp +43

      Except for sexy time, that’s when you let your hair down and call him “Senator Cruz”.

      If sexy time is particularly amorous you might even have gone with a “Mr. President”, but now you have to wait until 2020 before you can do that without his tear-holes leaking.

      1. NotThatAmy +32

        Best to avoid that tear-hole leakage whenever possible. It leaves itchy, persistent welts on human skin and stains natural fiber fabrics an eerie iridescent blue-green.

  48. Perdita McLeod +93

    I feel like Kathleen is walking around all *sunglasses emoji* today.

  49. tasteoftheusual +27

    My whole body went still in terror for a full 30 seconds when I first saw this headline. This is incredible and hilarious.

  50. Perdita McLeod +66

    I enjoyed this in a horrifying way but also dearly hope this is not the final “If X Were Your Y” of all time.

      1. Ivans_Sister +48

        NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

    2. arc315 +3

      It’s way too late now, I assume, but I had been kicking around the idea of pitching an “If Dr Paolo Macchiarini Were Your Fiance” piece. (Y’know, the guy of this Toast piece.)

  51. snowqueene +137

    The mamma birds are obviously making the nest inhospitable for us so we leave of our own accord.

  52. cosetthetable +63

    AND I THOUGHT THAT THE GWENETH PALTROW ONE WAS CREEPY.

    NOPE.

    NOPENOPENOPE.

    IN RETROSPECT, THAT WAS NICE AND SOOTHING.

    1. wild fruits +7

      I think that one still terrifies me more. There’s nothing Cruz could do that would shock me, so that helps.

  53. dashitall +35

    I must respectfully reject this If X Were Your Y. No thank you. Not today. Not ever.

  54. pretty_monster +53

    shit has officially gone sideways in these, the last days of the toast.

    1. NotThatAmy +60

      I assume some portion of Toasties, those with true, pure, sea-taking hearts, were whisked away to a Mallorian Paradise the instant they clicked on the link. The rest of us have been Left Behind, to endure the raging apocalypse that is the of the End Of Toast.

  55. bird_internet +132

    If Ted Cruz were your husband, you would stand frozen behind him on stage, trying to smile while he explains his views on abortion. “I am strongly in favor of childbirth,” he says. “Not any other form of asexual reproduction that you may have heard rumors about.” You strain to make sure your face doesn’t falter. “I am in favor of motherhood. I myself have a human mother. She lives in Canada, and I was born from her body, NOT by hatching out of an egg like a bird.”

    1. Unreadaethel +40

      You wonder if any viewers will be able to decipher the look of dead-eyed terror on your face and come to your rescue. You know that nobody will.

  56. Vera +23

    Could it be that The Toast wants to go out in flames (life’s unfair and the universe is a cold and cruel place!), taking everything and everyone with it? I have this vague and terrifying vision of a piece about a Byron-Trump love-child which will cause the internet to implode on itself and plunge us all into darkness and despair.

  57. bluewindgirl +34

    We need a palate cleanser! Why hasn’t anyone done if Bill Hader were your boyfriend??

  58. Kwyjor +13

    “You are liking my handiwork?
    Oh yes, I can smell your confidence.
    Smells like soup.”
    -Saharah the interior-decorating camel, Animal Crossing: New Leaf

  59. Rillquiet +67

    Congratulations on completing this list without once alluding to his retractable ovipositor.

      1. Hannah Richards +22

        I actually literally threw up in my mouth, mere seconds ago
        I am laugh-crying so hard I threw up
        horrified laugh tears streaming down my face
        compulsively scream-whispering OH GOD ohgodohgodohgod oH GOD OH GODDDD
        this is it
        i am dead
        bury me and bid my loved ones farewell for i shall ne’er return to these shores

  61. oldmotherhibbard +77

    I gotta respect the kind of mind that says, “What if Ted Cruz were your husband?” and then willingly pursues that thought all the way to some kind of conclusion.

    However, the fact that I clicked on this headline and read the whole piece is what’s making me question my sanity.

  62. backupandround +17

    I feel dirty now. Like I need to scrub my skin with a wire brush and bleach.

  63. gcf +14

    FYI – He is the Zodiac Killer. I have proof that he is immortal:
    Dead center in a Tudor era painting.

  65. Zelenka +13

    I read the headline and–after a full-body shudder and uncontrollable gasp of horror–I then reloaded the website because, what is this? This can’t be real. This is some kind of bizarro-Toast.
    In conclusion, soup.

  67. Ra_seacow +20

    I once dreamed that I was having sex and that was fine until I realised who I was having sex with,yep ol Ted,I woke with a start and it took quite a while for me to get back to sleep. Never read about politics before bedtime…..

    1. terb +25

      That is possibly the worst ‘why brain why’ sex dream scenario I have ever encountered.

  68. Lis +25

    HOW CAN YOU PUT OUT CONTENT LIKE THIS AND THEN BREAK MY HEART, TOAST?!

    If The Toast was my girlfriend, that’s exactly the kind of beautiful, whimsical, heartbreaking stunt she’d pull.

  69. annabel +6

    What is the soup reference? I tried to pay as little attention to Ted Cruz as possible, so there’s likely a lot about him that I do not know.

    1. Mrs_Peel +36

      Basically everything in the first paragraph actually happened IRL, as reported by Cruz’s wife. He bought 100 cans of soup from the store when they were first married, she returned them because she thought he was insane, then *he made her buy them back again*.

  70. tinypaperbirds +11

    Oh, I get it. It’s a terrible Toast mash-up: If X Were Your Y … Made Evil.

  72. Räven +11

    Honestly I didn’t read this for many hours but now that I’ve clicked through, you haven’t even begun to convey the horror of this headline.

    I mean I appreciate your glossing over the actual carnal relations, yet it seems like a squandered opportunity.

  73. chai_party +7

    I recognized Ted’s unmistakeable brows from ‘above the fold’ as it were, and began an involuntary whispered chorus of “oh god oh god” as I scrolled to the headline.

    In other news, perhaps my favorite moment of the Cruz concession speech (to which I listened breathlessly as it aired live on NPR) was that in which Carly said something along the lines of:
    “Over the past several months I have gotten to know Ted as a friend, and as a husband and father.” It was a beauteous moment.

  74. cs_key +7

    I don’t think I’ve ever quite experienced this particular combination of horrified shock/cringing/baffled respect for the author before. I applaud you.

    Also I read ‘crows’ as ‘crowds’ (of people) and it made for a weird mental image.

  75. peanut +10

    When my friends and I play “would you rather”, being married to Ted Cruz or Dick Cheney is always the the deal breaker for everyone. No one can ever decide.

    1. Mrs_Peel +7

      At least it’s possible for Ted Cruz to die someday. Cheney is mostly immortal robot parts at this point.

    2. AmazingSandwich +3

      Oh, Cruz, no question. He’s evil, but your chances of getting shot in the face are way lower.

  76. v_d_budenmayer +10

    So what I’m getting from this is that Ted Cruz and Gwyneth Paltrow should become a Thing.

  77. readalongcassidy +12

    I SERIOUSLY DOUBT THAT TED CRUZ IS A CROW FRIEND WHEN I CAN’T EVEN GET CROWS TO NOTICE THAT I EXIST.

  80. sporkening +7

    The showtunes tho.

    Your dad would somehow get wind of this habit, and every time Ted expressed the slightest bit of uncertainty about ANYTHING he’d respond with “uh, do whatever you want, I’m Souper Ted” in his best Lin-Manuel Miranda voice. This wouldn’t happen all that often, because uncertainty is the very last resort of politicians, but your dad would still manage to run the joke into the ground. You’d secretly look forward to it every time you went to visit your parents, and a few years down the line, when you realized you had to choose between Ted and your soul, you’d recognize this as your dad’s way of preserving your non-Ted-ness. Maybe you’d thank him, maybe you wouldn’t. But he would know. #headcanon #whytoastwhy

    1. mydonkeyfeet +1

      His references to garden gnomes and freckles have taken on new meaning after reading this post and the comments. Plus his singing, even though it’s not show tunes.