WHY YOU KEEP HAVING THE SAME FIGHT EVERY TIME: A TEXT GAME

by Mallory Ortberg · May 24, 2016
  • BECAUSE YOU REFUSE TO CONCEDE THAT ANY FIGHT MIGHT BE ABOUT A SPECIFIC SET OF CIRCUMSTANCES AND REPEATEDLY INSIST IT’S ABOUT “THE PRINCIPLE OF THE THING,” BUT IF EVERYTHING IS A PRINCIPLE THEN NOTHING IS
  • BECAUSE YOU CONTINUE TO REACT TO THE LAST FIGHT YOU HAD WITH SOMEONE ELSE RATHER THAN THE FIGHT YOU ARE CURRENTLY IN; LIKE MILITARY ADVISORS IN VIETNAM, YOU ARE ALWAYS FIGHTING THE PREVIOUS WAR
  • BECAUSE YOU INSIST ON TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR THINGS YOU HAVEN’T DONE SINCE ENDING CONFLICT IS MORE IMPORTANT TO YOU THAN EMOTIONAL INTIMACY
  • BECAUSE YOU ARE INCAPABLE OF ACKNOWLEDGING THAT YOU, LIKE EVERYONE ELSE, OCCASIONALLY DO THINGS FOR SELFISH AND UNKIND REASONS, AND HAVE BECOME DESPERATE TO FIND A PURE MOTIVATION TO JUSTIFY SOMETHING YOU DID OUT OF SELF-INTEREST
  • BECAUSE YOU REFUSE TO ALLOW YOURSELF TO FEEL ANGER AND INSTEAD SEARCH FOR A NEARBY REPLACEMENT EMOTION YOU DO NOT ACTUALLY FEEL BUT WOULD PREFER TO EXPERIENCE INSTEAD
  • BECAUSE BOTH OF YOU ARE CONVINCED THAT YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO FEEL OR WANT SOMETHING UNREASONABLE AND REPEATEDLY DENY YOUR ACTUAL DESIRES
  • BECAUSE THE TRAJECTORY OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP REPRESENTS A SINUSOIDAL GRAPH AND YOU ARE UNABLE TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN A CONSISTENT UPWARD DIRECTION AND A MERE REGRESSION TOWARD THE MEAN
  • BECAUSE YOU CONSTANTLY PRETEND NOT TO WANT ANYTHING, EXCEPT IN MOMENTS OF EXTREME DISTRESS OR AGITATION, WHEN YOU CAN NO LONGER DENY THE FACT THAT YOU POSSESS PREFERENCES
  • BECAUSE YOU BELIEVE YOU DESERVE LITERALLY ANY TYPE OF TREATMENT AS LONG AS IT COMES FROM THEM
  • BECAUSE YOU BELIEVE THEY DESERVE LITERALLY ANY TYPE OF TREATMENT AS LONG AS IT COMES FROM YOU AND YOU HAVE GOOD INTENTIONS
  • BECAUSE YOU ASSUME YOU ARE TELEGRAPHING WHAT YOU WANT EXTREMELY BROADLY WHEN IN FACT YOU ASSUME OTHER PEOPLE CAN INTERPRET YOUR MINUTEST REACTIONS IN EXACTLY THE WAY YOU INTEND THEM TO
  • BECAUSE YOU’RE TERRIFIED OF ONCE AND FOR ALL DEMANDING WHAT IT IS THAT YOU WANT AND FINALLY HEARING A DIRECT “NO”
  • BECAUSE THEY’RE ONLY WILLING TO PULL THEIR OWN WEIGHT WHEN YOU REMIND THEM OF WHAT THEY’VE PREVIOUSLY AGREED TO DO AND YOU FEEL LIKE HAVING TO REMIND THEM MEANS YOU’RE ESSENTIALLY DOING IT FOR THEM IN THE FIRST PLACE
  • BECAUSE NEITHER OF YOU CONSIDER “CONTEMPT” AND “LOVE” TO BE MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE
  • BECAUSE AS LONG AS YOU MAINTAIN A CONSTANT STATE OF TENSION AND EXHAUSTION YOU’LL BOTH BE TOO TIRED TO ACTUALLY SEVER TIES WITH ONE ANOTHER

Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.


188 Comments

  2. theswiftmind +95

    ‘INSTEAD SEARCH FOR A NEARBY REPLACEMENT EMOTION YOU DO NOT ACTUALLY FEEL BUT WOULD PREFER TO EXPERIENCE INSTEAD’
    Well, that hit me like a boot in the stomach.

    2. LanaofTrebond +6

      Quickly followed by casting about for another way to feel about it, or was that just me?

  3. djm527 +99

    BECAUSE YOU BELIEVE YOU DESERVE LITERALLY ANY TYPE OF TREATMENT AS LONG AS IT COMES FROM THEM – ooooof

  4. ppyajunebug +204

    BECAUSE YOU CONSTANTLY PRETEND NOT TO WANT ANYTHING, EXCEPT IN MOMENTS OF EXTREME DISTRESS OR AGITATION, WHEN YOU CAN NO LONGER DENY THE FACT THAT YOU POSSESS PREFERENCES

    …so Mallory is definitely a witch right? That’s how she can read my intentions behind every text I have ever sent, right?

    1. houblonchouffe +36

      are we also the same person because this is like the mumblemumbleth time in the last few weeks that you have said precisely the thing I was going to say, just a couple of minutes before I got to it

      1. ppyajunebug +69

        look, i try to use my power for good, but sometimes i just want all the comment karma that you would have gotten if you commented first

  7. betterpast +157

    is this–would a JESUS MALLORY be appropriate here–because i’m willing to defer to you but it kind of–no no, go ahead, it’s fine–well sure i didn’t mean to imply

  8. dancingbees99 +138

    No, this is good. All of this makes me feel perfectly fine. No extreme feelings in any direction can be attributed to my person at this time.

      2. irishup +13

        It is possible that I am laughing uncontrollably in recognition.
        Sobbing uncontrollably in recognition also totes possible.
        100% fact I am beyond being able to tell the difference, and am no longer sure there ever WAS a difference.
        Now wondering why we have two words, where one will do…

  9. slowseptember +92

    Where’s that image of the dog sitting in the fire saying “this is fine” when you need it?

  10. par_parenthese +126

    “YOU ASSUME YOU ARE TELEGRAPHING WHAT YOU WANT EXTREMELY BROADLY WHEN IN FACT YOU ASSUME OTHER PEOPLE CAN INTERPRET YOUR MINUTEST REACTIONS IN EXACTLY THE WAY YOU INTEND THEM TO”

    My partner is opposite of this — he assumes I must have telegraphed what I wanted, and he just missed it, forcing me to do the unthinkable and ASK FOR SOMETHING which means he has failed utterly to pick up on my signals.

    Me (Needs help opening the door, hands full): Hey honey, will you grab the keys out of my left pocket, I can’t get to them!
    Him (Looks stricken, rushes to grab keys and open door): Sorry! Sorry. (Shakes head, is exasperated with self.)
    Me (Bewildered):

    1. emmysuhweeks +32

      We may have the same husband or at least clones?

      I mean, he’ll miss some telegraphing sometimes, but sometimes I’m just asking a simple favor, that only became necessary to ask in the moment I asked it — like, can you move slightly to the left so I can get into this particular drawer for the scissors? — and he’s similarly stricken and apologizes for half an hour.

      This is the man who was mad at himself this weekend because Iiii dropped my phone and broke it again, and blamed himself for it? Even though I wasn’t looking and Iiii dropped it?

      Precious lamb. <3

      1. par_parenthese +30

        “a simple favor, that only became necessary to ask in the moment I asked it”

        WE ARE 100% MARRIED TO THE SAME PERSON, COOL

      2. par_parenthese +23

        Further thoughts: as a conservative estimate, 85% of the stuff I ask him to do is stuff he literally would have NO WAY OF KNOWING ABOUT if I had not expressed it using English words. Can you move slightly so I can open the oven to check the thing under the broiler? Would you refill my water glass? Can you try to be here right at 3? HE COULD NOT HAVE ANTICIPATED THAT REQUEST IN ANY WAY. He’s gotten to the place where he no longer apologizes if I ask him to wash my back in the shower, but heaven forbid he actually DOES minorly screw up (thought I said 3:15; actually said 2:15)!

        Anyway I obviously feel some kind of way about this, I love him and want to punch whoever(s) made him like this.

        1. emmysuhweeks +10

          Yes — like you said, sometimes, he messes up, or misses the hint (or sometimes the very direct instruction) and those are different situations — but these little tiny things break my heart, because it’s SO FINE and it’s SO SWEET that he cares that much about me to be upset about inconveniencing me, even mildly but I also I just want to be like YOU ARE DEAR AND PRECIOUS.

        2. sorrycassandra +12

          OMG. Thank you for telling me what this looks like from my husband’s perspective.

          I am trying to learn not to apologize for taking up space and wanting things, but it is so hard.

        1. Unreadaethel +89

          My parents are, in fact, clear but very subtle in their communication of intent (I mean, they use their words, too, but body language and tone of voice are huge with us), and I get SO CONFUSED when people don’t speak my language of “no, but I paused for 5 seconds longer than I needed to before agreeing to this plan, I obviously hate this plan, why would you think I like this plan.”

          1. par_parenthese +59

            lolsob

            Yes, this is the opposite of our dynamic too! “Oh, you paused for 5 seconds longer than you needed to, you must hate this plan, sorry, so sorry, I retract my request and hate myself for asking because asking is always an inconvenience to people sorry sorry sorry.”

          2. Unreadaethel +58

            Major self-improvement over the last few years: willingness to say “I disagree” without being shocked at my own audacity and poor manners.

          4. MothsAndStars +8

            Yeah. Except I don’t really have relatives, but … yeah.

            I have only recently realized that I do this, and I have no idea how to course-correct.

    3. irenarowley +22

      My partner does the same thing. I think several of his previous partners did the original thing and blamed him for not reading their minds so he’s conditioned to it. Sometimes we have to scold him for apologizing too much.

      1. par_parenthese +70

        I have said SO MANY TIMES, “Honey, it was a request, not an indictment of your character.”

    4. Alluvial_Fan +26

      Oh Guess Culture. And merging styles. Oy it makes me tired sometimes. (He’s Guess, I’m Ask.)

    5. ZevNV +19

      I am guilty of thinking “just pay a LITTLE attention to my nonverbal cues and don’t expect me to spell every little thing out for you!”, but I am not great at determining the difference between “clear nonverbal cues that he is either missing or ignoring” and “expecting him to read my mind”.

      In case you were wondering if I was the only one with suboptimal behaviors, he’s a fan of “but you know that I didn’t *want* to hurt/bother you, so therefore my good intentions mean that you’re not allowed to be hurt/bothered by that thing I did!”

      And believe it or not, we’re really good at communicating. We’ve gotten to the point where once we realize we’ve fallen into these patterns, we can deal with them, and get out of the fight. We just haven’t learned to head fights off at the pass yet.

    6. brittaunfiltrd +34

      ….are we married? Am I married to everyone in this thread? Because I do this & I don’t know why & am thus far unable to stop, to the point of apologizing for having apologized for something that is demonstrably not my fault. It is deeply frustrating for all parties.

      (Sorry)

  11. longlostlullaby +94

    I cannot say how much I hate “it’s the principle of the thing”. That and “it’s about respect”. Some things aren’t about respect and principles. Some things just involve you thinking that old carpet is ugly and the floor looks better without it.

    1. par_parenthese +31

      Agreed 1000%. Any person who keeps arguing in spite of having hurt the person, or in spite of the pettiness of the subject, because of the “the principle of the thing” automatically gets filed into And This Is Why We Are Not Friends. And I say this as a person who firmly believes that most fights are about underlying personality/communication stuff rather than the *topic* that is fought over (c.f. my parents’ neverending bickering over the level of cleanliness in the house which boils down to my dad’s unwillingness to ASK FOR THINGS and my mother’s unwillingness to implement an external system of any kind in any part of her life). There’s a HUUUUUGE difference there, IMO.

      1. emmysuhweeks +46

        I feel like hurting feelings is also a huge part of why arguing is the worst? I mean, I have arguments but I try to have them fairly and think before I speak, because people think arguements = free reign to say ANYTHING, because MAD, and then expect you to not feel hurt by the terrible things they sad AFTER, because they were mad THEN, but AREN’T NOW, so that horrible things you had to receive THEN don’t matter anymore?

        BUT THEY DO TO ME BECAUSE IT HURT ME AND I’M STILL ME WITH MY HURT FEELINGS, after.

        1. walrathem +14

          No! It’s not okay! You don’t get to say just anything and then pretend it’s nothing later! They shouldn’t do that to your feelings!

    2. longlostlullaby +14

      Addendum: I feel that this argument is usually made when the person just feels that they’re right and has no better response to a more practical solution/doesn’t want to compromise. And not in a “my feelings are legitimate even if they aren’t as logical as yours” but in a “compromise means no winner and I won’t give up what I want!” way.

    3. ZevNV +23

      Ooooh, how about how whatever behavior is bothering you in the moment is clearly part of a pattern of how they ALWAYS treat you, and if they actually cared they’d have stopped? That one’s fun.

  12. TheAntiHumorEquation +72

    This series may have convinced me that I will never overcome my dysfunctions and will die alone. “May have.”

    1. AnnieKate +56

      This series may have convinced me that almost everyone has the same dysfunctions and that perhaps we’re not so dysfunctional after all…

  13. champagneghost +55

    i read the first one and then just noped my way down here to wallow for the rest of the day

  15. sagerenee +181

    •BECAUSE THEY’RE ONLY WILLING TO PULL THEIR OWN WEIGHT WHEN YOU REMIND THEM OF WHAT THEY’VE PREVIOUSLY AGREED TO DO AND YOU FEEL LIKE HAVING TO REMIND THEM MEANS YOU’RE ESSENTIALLY DOING IT FOR THEM IN THE FIRST PLACE.

    ARGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

    2. steelyglints +33

      Right! I think my bf and I generally have a good relationship and productive arguments but this is the one is an issue. On top of it is when I do remind him it takes him like 36 thousand years to complete it and I end up helping or taking over in an openly exasperated way because for example, I need the sink emptied before I start can cooking. Then he’s annoyed that I’m annoyed cuz he’s doing it isn’t he? Oy vey.

      1. par_parenthese +51

        “hey boyf, read this MetaFilter thread about Emotional Labor and then get at me”

        1. sagerenee +20

          I keep looking at that and weighing cost/return on forcing the S.O. to read it….

          1. par_parenthese +17

            There’s a pdf summary! Only (“only” [ONLY]) 40-some pages long! I’ve also considered asking my partner to ctrl + f to a few key words and read those comments in context.

            BUT ALSO, the whole thread is just such a beautiful unfolding group therapy session that it’s worth taking the week to read it in bits.

          2. Calliope +21

            I almost cried when I read that thread because it articulated all the problems in my relationship that I haven’t been able to put into words. Now I’m having this mental struggle where I want to ask my partner to read it, but I’m worried it will upset him and then I’ll have to comfort and reassure him that it isn’t an attack, there’s just some things I want him to think about and oh god I’m stuck in a recursive loop of emotional labor…

          3. sagerenee +8

            Sympathies! And total understanding, because I have much the same issue. I like his parents in general but they have a LOT to answer for. :/

    3. grumblyqueer +15

      And then they won’t do the thing and you have to either incessantly remind them or do it your own damn self and ugh, too real.

    4. bookwormV +10

      *screams*
      (My partner and I are getting better at this! But it has taken nearly three years of cohabitation, and I still often feel like either a nagging shrew or a put-upon doormat.)

    5. Canard +17

      It is wrong of me to rephrase this as “BECAUSE THEY ARE A DUDE.” Isn’t it?

  17. Frumiosa +217

    Because your parents never fought openly so you learned to argue with your spouse by watching well-written sitcoms and a part of you just likes to keep the fight going to see what new devastating repartee you can come up with, despite the fact that this is happening in actual reality with someone you love and what is wrong with you.

    1. par_parenthese +49

      Ohhhhhhhh mannnnnnnnn (I do not do this with my partner because he is a precious angel and cutting repartee aimed at him is like cutting repartee aimed at a golden retriever but SHOOT I sure did this mentally with so many former friends)

    3. middlemarch +34

      Replace “sitcoms” with “Masterpiece Theater” and are we the same person?

    6. RLT +52

      … and then you catch yourself saying things in the tone of a tv show instead of in your actual voice, and realize that you are trying to STAY ON SCRIPT instead of actually communicating your own thoughts and feelings.

      Yes yes yes

      1. julezyme +11

        I think there’s an element of dissociation involved with this, at least for me. It’s too scary-bad for ME to be having this fight, but I can totally do Playing A Dramatic Witty Fight Improv Scene.

  18. hystericaldora +161

    BECAUSE YOU REFUSE TO ALLOW YOURSELF TO FEEL ANGER AND INSTEAD SEARCH FOR A NEARBY REPLACEMENT EMOTION YOU DO NOT ACTUALLY FEEL BUT WOULD PREFER TO EXPERIENCE INSTEAD

    My therapist and I have been hashing this out of late, and did you guys know that you can feel anger without taking it out on someone? All of this time, I have been afraid to feel angry in case I acted like a jerk, and it turns out they aren’t the same thing at all.

      1. hystericaldora +91

        She also claims that it’s possible to express your anger about someone’s actions without it becoming an all-consuming fire that sucks the oxygen out of your loved one’s lungs, but I haven’t tried it because, like, whoa professional feelings coach, what if you’re wrong??

        1. irenarowley +39

          These emotion and relationship experts sure have some wacky notions.

          Mine tried for quite a while to get me to stop obsessively worrying about whether I’m a good person, especially when I express a feeling or a need. I finally compromised with “okay fine I’ll try it for a few months but I’m going to tell my closest friends what I’m doing and ask them to let me know if I become a raging asshole in consequence.”

          In fairness to the wacky-idea’d professional, it seems to be going okay so far?

        2. julezyme +6

          Wait, but if you open a chunk in the wall of emotions, how do you not let the Rage Monster escape?

    2. RLT +29

      But obviously I am a bad person for feeling anger in the first place, and if I express that anger out loud then I am making it even worse by burdening my husband (or whoever) with my bad vibes. So I’m not sure your therapist is right.

      1. sorrycassandra +17

        I mean, don’t they realize that when someone is angry at me, the oxygen disappears from the room and the sun is extinguished? I can’t inflict that on somebody I care about!

    3. Cricket +25

      The biggest breakthrough I’ve ever had with a therapist was on this exact point. She said “you know anger isn’t an inherently bad emotion, right?” and I was a) floored and b) embarrassed by the realization that such a simple concept could floor me that much.

  20. vlad +72

    Me, reading: Oh, okay… this one’s fine… these ones aren’t hitting close, this isn’t so –

    “BECAUSE THEY’RE ONLY WILLING TO PULL THEIR OWN WEIGHT WHEN YOU REMIND THEM OF WHAT THEY’VE PREVIOUSLY AGREED TO DO AND YOU FEEL LIKE HAVING TO REMIND THEM MEANS YOU’RE ESSENTIALLY DOING IT FOR THEM IN THE FIRST PLACE”

    Ohhh, there we go.

  21. Laura +75

    I’m glad I’m not the only one who immediately interpreted this piece as a Twitter-style “Tag yourselves.”

    I’m BECAUSE YOU CONSTANTLY PRETEND NOT TO WANT ANYTHING, EXCEPT IN MOMENTS OF EXTREME DISTRESS OR AGITATION, WHEN YOU CAN NO LONGER DENY THE FACT THAT YOU POSSESS PREFERENCES.

    Sigh.

    1. lemonadefish +6

      overcoming this is the best thing i have ever done for myself. it’s still a work in progress, but overall it is amazing!

    2. Mallory SK +10

      I’m a combo of BECAUSE YOU CONTINUE TO REACT TO THE LAST FIGHT YOU HAD WITH SOMEONE ELSE RATHER THAN THE FIGHT YOU ARE CURRENTLY IN; LIKE MILITARY ADVISORS IN VIETNAM, YOU ARE ALWAYS FIGHTING THE PREVIOUS WAR

      and

      BECAUSE YOU ASSUME YOU ARE TELEGRAPHING WHAT YOU WANT EXTREMELY BROADLY WHEN IN FACT YOU ASSUME OTHER PEOPLE CAN INTERPRET YOUR MINUTEST REACTIONS IN EXACTLY THE WAY YOU INTEND THEM TO

      and

      BECAUSE YOU’RE TERRIFIED OF ONCE AND FOR ALL DEMANDING WHAT IT IS THAT YOU WANT AND FINALLY HEARING A DIRECT “NO”

      This article has both harmed and helped me.

      1. She-Ra +6

        Frig me too. Those exact ones. Also these:

        BECAUSE YOU ARE INCAPABLE OF ACKNOWLEDGING THAT YOU, LIKE EVERYONE ELSE, OCCASIONALLY DO THINGS FOR SELFISH AND UNKIND REASONS, AND HAVE BECOME DESPERATE TO FIND A PURE MOTIVATION TO JUSTIFY SOMETHING YOU DID OUT OF SELF-INTEREST

        and

        BECAUSE BOTH OF YOU ARE CONVINCED THAT YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO FEEL OR WANT SOMETHING UNREASONABLE AND REPEATEDLY DENY YOUR ACTUAL DESIRES

        though I’d take out the “both of you” and just make it about me. OH MAYBE ALSO BECAUSE I MAKE IT ABOUT ME?

        jeez. you guys.

    3. occhiolic +14

      it me:
      BECAUSE YOU INSIST ON TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR THINGS YOU HAVEN’T DONE SINCE ENDING CONFLICT IS MORE IMPORTANT TO YOU THAN EMOTIONAL INTIMACY

      (to be fair, growing up, the best way not to get hit was just to say sorry then hide until whatever you were supposed to have done was forgotten)

  23. acorwin +35

    jesus christ, Mallory. This hit me like a ton of bricks.

    “BECAUSE THE TRAJECTORY OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP REPRESENTS A SINUSOIDAL GRAPH AND YOU ARE UNABLE TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN A CONSISTENT UPWARD DIRECTION AND A MERE REGRESSION TOWARD THE MEAN”

    or, as Park Ave put it, “it gets confused with progress – it’s only motion”

    1. prost +26

      I was once broken up with via sinusoidal metaphor: “I just feel like our relationship is a sine curve and we’ve already passed pi over 2.” (I was also ready to call things off so I didn’t try to argue that we should stick it out until periodicity returned us inexorably to our erstwhile bliss.)

    2. PettyVengeanceFetish +14

      “It gets confused with progress – it’s only motion” I’ll just be down here on the floor for a minute or 20

  24. spoboebot3000 +15

    brb

    Wanders off to sit on a rock and contemplate existential crises…

  27. fleurdelivre87 +63

    BECAUSE YOU BELIEVE THEY DESERVE LITERALLY ANY TYPE OF TREATMENT AS LONG AS IT COMES FROM YOU AND YOU HAVE GOOD INTENTIONS

    ooooooof. And yes, I have done this. And no, I didn’t realize it at the time.

    1. Pandatime +5

      Solidarity. This is my mother’s M.O. and it isnt’ until, oh, hey, right this very minute that I realized I’ve uncomfortably been acting it out. Yiiiiiikes.

  28. srijanisays +64

    I am comfortable with bottling it all inside me for years and years, till one day triggered by her eating the last piece of candy, it breaks out in a confused whirlwind of emotions and I yell at her for breaking my pencil box 20 years ago.

    1. Stilladyj +18

      Because now it’s a PATTERN OF BEHAVIOR. A DISTURBING PATTERN OF BEHAVIOR.

      1. playeverything +23

        But but but sometimes it IS and how do we knoooowwwwwwwwww
        *howling into the abyss*

      2. Lethologica +13

        oh fuck
        that one got me
        IF A PATTERN COVERS EVERY KIND OF MISTAKE THEN IT ISN’T MUCH OF A PATTERN

    2. nopants_mcgee +40

      I spent 3 years of my current, 10 year relationship learning that specific incidents or slights are not currency to be saved off and trotted out months later in fights.

      Who am I kidding, I’m still working on it.

  29. cosetthetable +27

    I’ll just be sitting over here listening to Matt Nathanson on repeat—

    “I’d kill anyone who’d treat you as bad as I do”

    1. Chance_Hale +15

      The soundtrack to this post is definitely the piano from “No Children”.

  31. backupandround +24

    BECAUSE YOU CONSTANTLY PRETEND NOT TO WANT ANYTHING, EXCEPT IN MOMENTS OF EXTREME DISTRESS OR AGITATION, WHEN YOU CAN NO LONGER DENY THE FACT THAT YOU POSSESS PREFERENCES

    Mallory when did you take up residence in my brain?

    1. par_parenthese +21

      Mallory is always with us. Blessed art thou, O Mallory our Editrix, Queen of the Toast, who has given us fodder for self-flagellation. Mallory is great.

  32. builtahouse +95

    but i’m always nice to everyone and never really figh–

    BECAUSE YOU ARE INCAPABLE OF ACKNOWLEDGING THAT YOU, LIKE EVERYONE ELSE, OCCASIONALLY DO THINGS FOR SELFISH AND UNKIND REASONS, AND HAVE BECOME DESPERATE TO FIND A PURE MOTIVATION TO JUSTIFY SOMETHING YOU DID OUT OF SELF-INTEREST

    –dammit.

    1. CleverManka +38

      Life is so much easier now that I own prioritizing my personal preferences and don’t try to justify selfish actions.

    2. middlemarch +18

      DAMMIT THAT IS NOT TRUE, I ONLY EVER DO THINGS OUT OF THE PUREST INTENTIONS.

      1. builtahouse +19

        THIS IS WHERE YOU’VE GOT IT TWISTED, I’M THE ONE WHO GIVES HELPFUL ADVICE TO EVERYONE ELSE. BECAUSE I’M SO WISE AND GENTLE.

        1. middlemarch +22

          WELL, EITHER WAY, I DEFINITELY DIDN’T SEND THAT EMAIL ABOUT MY GRANDFATHER DYING TO AN EX TO MAKE HIM FEEL BAD FOR ENDING THE RELATIONSHIP IN AN ABRUPT AND CALLOUS WAY.

          … Wait, I may be going off script here.

          1. builtahouse +13

            oh pffftt I totally support that action in a completely selfless and pure way.

          2. middlemarch +17

            “I’m sending this email because I’m sad because of a death in the family BUT ALSO YOU ACTED LIKE A JERK LAST SPRING HOW DARE YOU DO THAT TO ME whoops how did that get in there! totally sending this because, you know, death and sadness and all. -Middlemarch.”

  33. Tessa +77

    BECAUSE YOU’RE TERRIFIED OF ONCE AND FOR ALL DEMANDING WHAT IT IS THAT YOU WANT AND FINALLY HEARING A DIRECT “NO”

    Ah… Ah, right. Ah.

    Okay. Then. Fine. I’m just. Good.

    1. julezyme +4

      Hang on … are we saying that “just go do your thing without telling anyone because you’ll just get shit for saying what you want and no one will take you seriously” is *not* the lesson we were supposed to learn as kids??

  34. Unreadaethel +28

    BECAUSE YOU ASSUME YOU ARE TELEGRAPHING WHAT YOU WANT EXTREMELY BROADLY WHEN IN FACT YOU ASSUME OTHER PEOPLE CAN INTERPRET YOUR MINUTEST REACTIONS IN EXACTLY THE WAY YOU INTEND THEM TO

    BECAUSE YOU’RE TERRIFIED OF ONCE AND FOR ALL DEMANDING WHAT IT IS THAT YOU WANT AND FINALLY HEARING A DIRECT “NO”

    waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

      1. Unreadaethel +15

        Mallory’s tearing down all of our emotional walls before the Toast closes, and I just can’t deal with that.

  35. Sel +19

    This makes me feel so good about so many relationships I have ended with people exactly like this.

  36. middlemarch +45

    “BECAUSE AS LONG AS YOU MAINTAIN A CONSTANT STATE OF TENSION AND EXHAUSTION YOU’LL BOTH BE TOO TIRED TO ACTUALLY SEVER TIES WITH ONE ANOTHER”

    Passive-aggressively sending this to my recently separated parents would… that would be wrong. (She said, in an extremely gallows humor voice.)

    1. hystericaldora +24

      Speaking for my own parents, who hop from crisis to crisis because it means they never have to contemplate the meaning of any of it – it’s fine to send it to them, they won’t understand it anyway.

      Haha. Ha.

    3. larsgarvey +6

      This one stung, as it is something I’ve come to acknowledge about my previous two long-term relationships, and is one of the many whispers rattling around in the echo chamber of my mind as I try to sleep at night. Neither were particularly contentious, and the tensions were explained away as both of us “finding a way to let the other person in” or “helping the other find and navigate around the walls we’d put up because of X, Y, and/or Z,” and then… well, let’s just say the Holy Grail wasn’t waiting on the other side of those quests, or even a murderous rabbit, just… a quiet space, where we both ended up realizing neither of us wanted to be.

  37. PaleoGould +27

    BECAUSE YOU CONSTANTLY PRETEND NOT TO WANT ANYTHING, EXCEPT IN MOMENTS OF EXTREME DISTRESS OR AGITATION, WHEN YOU CAN NO LONGER DENY THE FACT THAT YOU POSSESS PREFERENCES

    BECAUSE YOU ASSUME YOU ARE TELEGRAPHING WHAT YOU WANT EXTREMELY BROADLY WHEN IN FACT YOU ASSUME OTHER PEOPLE CAN INTERPRET YOUR MINUTEST REACTIONS IN EXACTLY THE WAY YOU INTEND THEM TO

    These two are actually the basis of… 90% of the husband and I’s fights.
    The other 10% are about laundry

    1. eegghh +8

      In our house we have 3 laundry baskets. My basket, his basket and house laundry. It’s really cut down on the fights, when you know the only person to blame for your overfull basket is you yourself. Meanwhile if you go to the laundromat, you better take some house laundry too.

  38. readalongcassidy +19

    God DAMN it Mallory. How do you?

    Are you a ghost inside me? A psychic? Are you actually all of us? Are we all equally fucked up?

  39. Deborah +15

    I just got out of a relationship that, for its 2-3 year, was pretty much exactly like this. This makes me feel both a) relieved that I am FREE and b) ouch. Why did that have to happen in the first place (j/k, I know why)/

  40. snowqueene +29

    BECAUSE IF YOU DON’T FIGHT HOW WILL YOU KNOW YOU STILL EXIST AS AN INDIVIDUAL?

  41. shelfrias +9

    Mallory, these are my all time favorite and they rip my heart out. I will miss them.

  42. avocadofrenzy +39

    When you get to the third one and yell “MALLORY!” but there’s no one in your office named Mallory.

  43. par_parenthese +39

    BECAUSE YOU’RE TERRIFIED OF ONCE AND FOR ALL DEMANDING WHAT IT IS THAT YOU WANT AND FINALLY HEARING A DIRECT “NO”

    Holy knife-toothed possums, MALLORY, this was TEN YEARS O F M Y L I F E I M E A N

  45. bluewindgirl +69

    So many people socialized not to express anger! Wait, should I call my dad and thank him for teaching his children that anger is the first and most appropriate response to every minor inconvenience?

      1. bluewindgirl +48

        Oh no, that makes it sound worse than I mean! My dad is just kind of a rage-hobbyist; he collects feuds.

        1. liveintrees +19

          Lol omg that is my boyfrand, he even has feuds with strangers in his mind!!

    2. ZevNV +23

      The single most important long-term project of me and my husband is “leading with anger [me] is not helpful, and neither is bottling up all negative feelings [him], but a healthy mean totally exists”.

      It’s in progress.

  46. praemunire +25

    BECAUSE AS LONG AS YOU MAINTAIN A CONSTANT STATE OF TENSION AND EXHAUSTION YOU’LL BOTH BE TOO TIRED TO ACTUALLY SEVER TIES WITH ONE ANOTHER

    FYI, this is an entire volume of Proust and it is as tiring to read as it must be to experience.

  47. brownmaureen +14

    Ugh, this so much: BECAUSE YOU’RE TERRIFIED OF ONCE AND FOR ALL DEMANDING WHAT IT IS THAT YOU WANT AND FINALLY HEARING A DIRECT “NO”

  48. SingArielSing +30

    So all of these are Too Much For Me, and I honestly don’t think any one entry can top “THINK YOU’RE BEING PLAYFUL BUT ACTUALLY YOU JUST GET MEAN WHEN YOU DRINK” (no shit, that one actually surfaces in my brain now every time I have too much), but this one comes REAL CLOSE to being the Most Too Much For Me.

    BECAUSE YOU BELIEVE YOU DESERVE LITERALLY ANY TYPE OF TREATMENT AS LONG AS IT COMES FROM THEM

    BECAUSE YOU’RE TERRIFIED OF ONCE AND FOR ALL DEMANDING WHAT IT IS THAT YOU WANT AND FINALLY HEARING A DIRECT “NO”

    BECAUSE NEITHER OF YOU CONSIDER “CONTEMPT” AND “LOVE” TO BE MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE

    BECAUSE AS LONG AS YOU MAINTAIN A CONSTANT STATE OF TENSION AND EXHAUSTION YOU’LL BOTH BE TOO TIRED TO ACTUALLY SEVER TIES WITH ONE ANOTHER

    *drags hands down face*

    1. lrljhnsn +6

      hello! we appear to be roughly the same person. i’ll join you if that’s okay.

  49. myysharona +20

    Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck me this hurts. Did you secretly record my fight with my wife 2 weeks ago? I mean, you could have recorded any big fight because you’re right, it’s the same one.

    Dammit. Dammit dammit dammit. I feel like I should print this out. And then ball it up and throw it at my wife’s head until she reads it.

  51. swordsnspindles +8

    Oh god, you’ve just precisely described my parents’ marriage, but instead of fighting, they just silently judge each other. Oh god, why have I deserved this.

  52. Goomaly +22

    it is weird that my first reaction to this series is wanting to be single and live alone forever?

    1. Amberlyza +8

      Yeah, about that. SEE ALSO: friends, teachers, anyone you care about or want to impress. So you might want to update your plan to “never feel anything about anybody again.” Good luck!

  53. Opal_Whitely +25

    The Toast is going to take me with it on its way out.

    I hereby dedicate my mortal coil to the loving arms of Mallory and the Toast forever and ever, amen.

  54. RLT +25

    I’ve only just started to experiment with asserting myself and being grounded in my feelings and then sharing those feelings. I have had talks with my husband about things that have been unsaid for a decade or so. It’s a total drag, and super hard! But! But but BUT! My eczema has cleared up. Seriously, the same week I really got real about doing this work my longstanding, godawful eczema cleared right up. I’m cautiously optimistic, about everything.

    1. walrathem +10

      Really?! That’s fantastic and a really great sign. Good luck with the rest of this!

    2. julezyme +6

      Yes to this! Years of “mysterious” neck pain have coincidentally gone away after the Long Difficult Conversations in which we actually honestly confront the fact that I’m queer. Go figure!

  55. whitmanssampler +24

    Is it fair to also add:
    BECAUSE YOU BELIEVE THAT PARTICIPATING IN A CONTINUAL CONFLICT-HURT FEELINGS-RESOLUTION/FORGIVENESS CYCLE IS A SIGN OF GROWTH AND MATURITY AND BECOME NERVOUS WHEN CONFLICT DOES NOT ARISE?

  57. MothsAndStars +21

    BECAUSE ONE OF YOU IS PROBABLY A SOCIOPATH AND DEFINITELY IN LAW SCHOOL AND THE OTHER IS EXACTLY MENTALLY HEALTHY ENOUGH TO KNOW THAT SOME FUCKED-UP SHIT IS BEING PERPETRATED BUT CAN’T FIGURE OUT HOW TO DODGE THE TRAPS

    #6 is my current thing, and at least now I finally have words to explain it?

  58. rainharbor +15

    ‘BECAUSE YOU’RE TERRIFIED OF ONCE AND FOR ALL DEMANDING WHAT IT IS THAT YOU WANT AND FINALLY HEARING A DIRECT “NO”’

    THIS IS TOO MUCH REALNESS FOR A TUESDAY

  59. katmarie13 +12

    BECAUSE YOU REFUSE TO ALLOW YOURSELF TO FEEL ANGER AND INSTEAD SEARCH FOR A NEARBY REPLACEMENT EMOTION YOU DO NOT ACTUALLY FEEL BUT WOULD PREFER TO EXPERIENCE INSTEAD

    Ouch my heart

    BECAUSE BOTH OF YOU ARE CONVINCED THAT YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO FEEL OR WANT SOMETHING UNREASONABLE AND REPEATEDLY DENY YOUR ACTUAL DESIRES

    o u c h

    BECAUSE YOU’RE TERRIFIED OF ONCE AND FOR ALL DEMANDING WHAT IT IS THAT YOU WANT AND FINALLY HEARING A DIRECT “NO”

    my heart owww…

  60. brittaunfiltrd +12

    BECAUSE YOU’RE TERRIFIED OF ONCE AND FOR ALL DEMANDING WHAT IT IS THAT YOU WANT AND FINALLY HEARING A DIRECT “NO”

    Just gonna, um, go cry quietly and throw up in the corner for a little bit, bye

  61. Ethylbenzene +22

    I am still trying so hard to undo the damage that “you must never have needs, cool girls don’t need things, don’t be needy you needy uncool girl” has done to me so this was, you know, like a whayddyacallit, a knife in the heart.

      1. Ethylbenzene +3

        Even better than a high five — I promise to keep my read receipts off and to always text back?

        Ok but seriously why is it so hard for some people to just text back OMG.

        1. julezyme +2

          is that me? I sometimes forget to do things in real life that I’ve imagined doing eg responding to messages. telepathy – not real. 🙂

          1. par_parenthese +3

            ME! I’ve probably said, “Oh gosh, sorry, I replied to this in my head” dozens of times in my life.

  63. PettyVengeanceFetish +17

    YOU HAVE EXPERIENCED PAIN AND TRAUMA IN THIS CONTEXT AND HAVE ADOPTED A SCORCHED EARTH POLICY AND SALTED THE EARTH BEHIND YOU TO RETAIN SOME FEELING OF POWER.

    YOU KNOW HOW TO TELL PEOPLE WHEN SOMETHING BAD HAPPENS BUT NOT HOW TO TELL THEM HOW IT MAKES YOU FEEL SO YOU PICK FIGHTS UNTIL YOU BREAK DOWN CRYING

  64. LanaofTrebond +8

    BECAUSE YOU WERE SO BUSY FEELING PROUD OF YOURSELF FOR FINALLY ASKING FOR THE THING THAT YOU FORGOT YOU HAD TO BREAK UP WHEN THEY SAID “NO” and spend the next two years trying #5 instead?

  65. ScriptioPlena +5

    “BECAUSE YOU CONSTANTLY PRETEND NOT TO WANT ANYTHING, EXCEPT IN MOMENTS OF EXTREME DISTRESS OR AGITATION, WHEN YOU CAN NO LONGER DENY THE FACT THAT YOU POSSESS PREFERENCES”

    *sad little “IT MEEEEE” snuffle*

  66. Tim12s +1

    HAHA LAUGHING AT ALL THE PEOPLE ACTUALLY BEING CAPABLE OF RELATING TO THIS.

    And crying at being unable to.

  67. julezyme

    oh god, the day I realized I was my grandmother, starting a fight so as to "pass the ball of negative energy" to someone else and discharge my own bad feelings about unrelated thing …