I love Nicole so much, and I’m getting hit with the yearbook feelings, where I want to grab all of you in the hallways and make you promise that we are really going to keep in touch, and I have been going through her archives this week and I wanted to remind you of some of her greatest hits. WE NEVER APPRECIATED HER ENOUGH.
Glossary for Annotated Email Correspondence
1. “omigod”: Used to signify either great love for something, shock at its existence, or as a polite way to respond to something for which one’s legitimate response might be impolitic.
2. “perffff”: Used to acknowledge that the arrangement proposed by the recipient is acceptable and they should proceed forward with said plan.
3. “kkkkkk”: Used to express that the sender now understands what the recipient has been attempting to explain.
4. “lol”: Used when forwarding things from people who are being dicks, but the sender thinks the point should nonetheless be examined.
The Comment Section For Every Article Ever Written About Tipping
1. Why don’t restaurants just tack on a service charge and distribute it to the staff, and then they can all live equitably together in a cooperative housing development with a chore wheel, as they do in Europe? Wouldn’t that work better?
2. Yes, because European waiters are renowned the world over for their tact and lack of condescension. SMDH.
3. If we get rid of tipping, by what mechanism will I be able to goad an attractive younger woman into letting me vaguely sexually harass her for forty minutes twice a week?
How Tolkien Characters Would Introduce Themselves in a Matriarchal Society
“Hi, I’m Aragon, son of Gilraen, son of Ivorwen. Would you or your mother like to rest your feet on me?”
“Hi, I’m Celeborn, but you can call me Ofgaladriel.”
CRTC-Approved Canadian Pornography Scenarios
Everything Ever Written About Pubes Online
4. Stop trying to make “vulva” happen. “Vulva” is never going to happen.
5. As a man, I can tell you: it’s a hygiene issue. I just prefer to be with women who take care of themselves.
6. When is this going to end? In three years, are we going to have to wax off our eyebrows or be told we’re dirty hippies now? “First they came for my pits, but I said nothing.”
7. Way to devalue the Holocaust with your bullshit rich white feminist non-issue. You want to know about real suffering? Each one of my fingers and toes was pulled out by the roots and used to create a crown for an evil prince, which he wears while executing women who have spoken in public.
Things I Regret Not Saying to the Hostess at the Mandarin Oriental Hotel Bar…when she said my male friend had to leave because “gentlemen are required to wear long pants after eight pm,” and it was 97 degrees out and the bar was totally empty. Which she had every right to do, because it’s a private establishment and she did not set the policy.
The World If Caber-Tossing Had Been the Scottish Sport That Made It Big
“He really came in at 12:00 on that pitch meeting.”
“Craig, you let the bottom end fall towards you on this one.”
“Oh, he’ll toss it if someone else carries it.”
“Jane has a 87% mindset and a 63% track record.”
Things That Are Universally Liked Within a Very Particular Demographic
1. Allison Janney’s performance as C.J. Cregg on The West Wing.
2. Using the Boer War as a metaphor for things that are really, really old.
3. Informing someone that “flaccid” used to be pronounced “flak-sid,” but “flass-id” DOES sound more appropriate given the image it creates.
4. When you are six minutes away from bailing on someone so you can stay home and watch TV, and they cancel on you first.
Blind Items of Rural South Ontario
The Order In Which I Would Have Murdered the “And Then There Were None” Guests
How did it come to this?
There’s nothing wrong with dark chocolate, let’s just get that out of the way. I have frequently eaten and enjoyed dark chocolate. What I object to, in part, is the moving of goalposts on what constitutes dark chocolate. Ten years ago, if you purchased chocolate containing 60% cocoa mass, it came with warning labels and was invariably and offensively named after an African nation or river. ABANDON ALL HOPE, YE WHO CONSUME OUR AWASH VALLEY BAR, etc. 60% was out there.
And, at 60%, chocolate is pretty good. It’s, whatever, sort of red wine-y and interesting and it’s not sickeningly sweet. I like stuff dipped in it. Swirl it with some peanut butter, everyone’s happy.
But, somewhere along the line, they broke out the 85%, and it’s bullshit.
If You Knew Anne of Green Gables IRL
The Best Parts of Kate McKinnon’s Angela Merkel Impression
BENEDICT: During the second week of Hamlet, my publicist asked me if I could meet briefly with a fan. It’s a common enough request, and, of course, I dread it. But he said, “look, she’s written a bunch of odd, intrusive, sexual stories about you, and this brilliant, as-yet-unpublished scholarly monograph on two leading pieces of Mystrade fanfic–”
REPORTER: Mystrade?
BENEDICT (waves dismissively): It’s the imagined pairing of Lestrade and Mycroft, it’s the only slash worth reading, it’s brilliant, it makes so much sense.
REPORTER: Do they share screentime?
BENEDICT: They do not.
REPORTER: …you were saying.
BENEDICT: Yes! I quickly read her work, and the rare purity of her wit and the warmth of her soul leapt off the printouts from Tumblr and into my heart and my mind and made a home there. “Let her in,” I said, hoarsely. “Please, leave us alone.” We only had twenty minutes. I fell deeply and hopelessly in love with her, I begged her to stay longer.
REPORTER: Why didn’t she? Did she not return your affections?
BENEDICT: She’s married. She’s married, and she has a child. I told her I would marry her at once, the instant she obtained a divorce. I told her that if she had objections to divorce, I would simply move in next door to her and respond instantly to her texts about her favourite television shows, her favourite 1970s singer-songwriters, whatever portmanteaus of doughnuts and pies and cakes are being created in the bakeries of Manhattan. That I would wait forever, just to help her trim her vicious cat’s claws, and ask nothing in return, except to sample the delights of her muscular body whenever her husband was briefly away from home.
This is how the entire series began, by the way: If Channing Tatum Were Your Boyfriend
Books That Literally All White Men Own
“I start with the Lord’s Prayer, because it’s like a little incantation that places a barrier between me watching Brooklyn Nine Nine and me engaging in a searching moral inventory of my life, which, personally, I find is a big help.”
Ways In Which Spock Has Tried To Disguise His Ears
She was too good for this world. Let us go out and endeavor to be worthy of her.
I cherish that time when she sold us the tote bags.
LOL J/K
We heart you, Nicole, and all your works.
GONNA DO IT. GONNA SELL THEM.
I mean, it’s either that or you’re going to have to start your own PBS station.
WOULD WATCH.
Even during pledge drives.
Hell, I would work the pledge drive. And I had a really rough experience working a PBS pledge drive one time.
OR perhaps build a small addition on to your home made entirely of tote bags?
This listicle suggests planting tomatoes in tote bags. Not sure why it’s tomatoes in particular, rather than any other sort of plant, but hey.
Hmmm…the pun factor?
Totematoes?
Tomatotes?
But then I suppose it would be best to grow oats in them.
Toats.
Tomatotes made me giggle.
Except for the planting tomatoes, this is a stupid list. Hey, why not use a bag as a bag, what a novel idea!
For real though, 85% dark chocolate is bullshit.
90% or bust 🙂
Amen
it tastes like headaches.
We come not to bury Nicole, but to praise her.
I will always remember her Benedict fanfic, and her every comment section evers.
Godspeed, dear child.
The fact that this is in the “history” category is kind of wigging me out, ngl
It makes me sad and wistful.
These are great! And it’s kind of adorable to me that Mallory put this together, I aspire to someday tagging someone on a website as ‘best friends forever’. Thank you for enriching my day/life and giving me goals I never would have thought to have
Guys it’s National Best Friends Day, this post just got 100% more adorable
Someone cue that Vitamin C song!
“Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life)” is now stuck in my head for the balance of June
I won a few karaoke contests back in the day singing that song. 😀
Ahh, Books That Literally All White Men Own. That was some good commenting.
Now off to be morose– high school and college weren’t like this, I knew I had 4 years and I was ready. This, I am not ready for.
That and My Favourite Deleted Comments From The White Dude Book List are basically the perfect misandry bookends, and perfectly Nicole.
Just read through that one. That is some A+ commenting. I also sent the book list and movie list (from the comments) to my boyfriend. “There’s no need to be ashamed, but… this is you.”
I will never not laugh at just the list itself. The comments are hilarious, but for whatever reason, the list amuses me so so so so much.
Ahhhh, I missed some of these the first time around, BRB, not getting ANYTHING done today.
How did I miss the Canadian Porn post?! I am crying-laughing here. (Also realizing I kind of have a bit of a thing for RCMP uniforms. I blame Due South.)
The chocolate piece is one of the first Toast articles I ever read! I remember reading it and going “Yeah…yeah!” and then my mind was a little more free.
Rereading every one of these things today. Sorry, other plans.
🙂 but also 🙁
The times she Burninated us! Nowhere else on the internets have I seen such a gracious balance between acknowledging that not everyone can or wants to hoist heavy weights, that there are people who want to but are struggling to overcome a variety of obstacles, and that everyone trying to get fit(ter) can use supportive information about form and nutrition.
(Also I hope that her conversation with Sisquiet makes it up before the Good Ship Toast sails west to the Undying Lands, though I know that there are other plans that may take precedence.)
Oh yeah! I loved the Double Kimmy workout– I don’t do it anymore, but it got me to try HIIT and I’ve really incorporated that kind of thing into my workout now. The Toast in general has made me more creative and positive about exercise, rather than the “punish yourself for 45 boring minutes” thing I used to do.
ME TOO!
If you look at my comment history, back in 2013 I was super super negative about exercise and depression, and then all the positive/supportive exercise stuff here, and commenters saying You Can Do it made me re-evaluate and Just Try because maybe I could? and I hated how negative I was and everyone here seemed to be having fun with their exercise of choice. So I bought a cheap wal-mart bike and went from .2mi endurance to 5mi endurance during 2014/2015, and now I’m up to 16mi just because it’s fun, and it took biking short distances regularly to get over the endorphin hurdle, where every yard was difficult, and now my limitations are related to physical ability. (Bad back and hips).
I 100% attribute my change of attitude and willingness to just try to Nicole’s Feel the Burn and the comment sections.
THIS IS ABOUT ME!
I don’t think I’m alone in saying
<3 – <3 – <3 – <3
You bet it is! We all ADORE you and I’m saddened that “The Horse, Explained” didn’t make the cut (Yeah, it was a Pinner essay, but still!).
IT YOU
This is where I mention how much I miss her book recommendations from the Hairpin.
And her Lazy Book Review tumblr, from the distant days of old!
Same! I still have books on my Amazon wishlist which were recommended there. (I’m saving them for a special occasion.)
For the record, I have yet to be convinced that Nicole Cliffe is not a time traveling Anastasia Romanov.
Nicostasia Romanliffe.
Anastacole Cliffanov?
I am having to pretend to sneeze so that my office mates don’t notice me cry silently with laughter at the Benedict Cumberbatch thing. A++++ Will Read Again.
I now strive to live life with this manner of vision and self confidence:
“My name is Éowyn. I do not bandy words about with men. Get out of my way, or find yourself on the point of my sword. If later I decide I want to amuse myself with your body, I will send word. You may sleep in the stables.”
Nicole! Please write us more Benedict Cumberbatch fan fiction before the Toast closes – we need this! We
deserve it.
Books That Literally All White Men Own brought me to the Toast and also started an epic still-legendary fight on my Facebook page, so thank you.
“they slew all those mammoths for us but they cannot take some gentle ribbing”
I’VE NEVER READ ANY DAVID FOSTER WALLACE AND I DON’T THINK THIS WOMAN KNOWS WHAT LITERALLY MEANS — every random dude from high school I was still facebook friends with.
“Misuse of literally” was a square on the drinking game leading up to the deleted comments post! Truly, a glorious age. (My FB feed was guys defensively listing how few of the books they owned/had read, but none of them was at zero. A hit! A very palpable hit!)
I want to start a FB war based on this link. Not sure how to proceed.
Post link. Wait approximately five minutes for the aggrieved #notallmen comments to start. Sit back and cackle with glee.
FB hates my Toast links. I don’t think anyone ever sees them. Pretty much every link has gone completely unnoticed. Either that or every friend I have has taken a vow to avoid controversy. Whereas the picture I posted of a sunset received a lot of attention.
I’ve always thought of Nicole as that friend that seemingly has all her shit together but is still willing to hang out and listen to my drunken rants against eggplant. Nicole is a GIFT.
Oh, and that piece about dog Hamilton lyrics should be framed by Lin Manuel.
Also every single link round up. Nicole should get so much credit for sifting through the internet to bring us excellent links every single day.
THIS!
She’s the best at interneting. I don’t know how she finds the best of everything. Maybe they find her? Nicole is clearly too witches at the internet.
Never change, Nicole. KIT!
Y’all tryna kill me with feelings!
How did I miss the Canadian porn one???
[A Mountie in full dress uniform goes down on a member of the Edmonton Oilers. While the Oiler is distracted by his climax, the Mountie slaps a pair of handcuffs on him. “I always get my man,” he says, “and now we’re gonna watch Murdoch Mysteries together.”]
BRB, writing the fanfic version of this.
On my goodness, I made a comment very nearly just like this up above!
Oh, man! NICOLE. I feel like this is the place to say that I originally found the Hairpin thanks to Nicole, by following her there from Lazy Self-Indulgent Book Reviews! And then to the Toast! So many of my favorite places on the internet. Thank you.
Me tooooooo! Every word of this is me! Especially the last two.
(also I want to make clear that although it may look my “Every Comments Section About The Best of Nicole Cliffe” comment below is poking fun at this comment, it isn’t, because I hadn’t noticed your comment when I wrote it. I was instead poking fun at myself making a quite similar comment elsewhere in the thread, and maybe this is needlessly complex but I just want us all to get along!)
This is peak Toast and I love you all.
This is a great list. Reading and re-reading just a couple of these convinced me that work is not the place for it, since I cannot contain my giggles. I didn’t even attempt Books That Literally All White Men Own.
And How I Pray was actually very helpful to me, if only for getting me to think for more than 30 seconds about how I (don’t) pray.
Nicole, I will always be grateful for your post about having sex after childbirth.
Could you possibly link please? My searches of “Nicole Cliffe sex” and “Nicole Cliffe childbirth” are coming up empty.
I searched “Toast postpartum sex” and #1 result: http://the-toast.net/2015/06/22/the-secret-to-hav…
Looks like http://the-toast.net/2015/06/22/the-secret-to-hav…
Me rn, as the kids say: That scene in American Beauty where Kevin Spacey is dead and Annette Bening is just hugging the clothes in his closet and sobbing.
As sad as I am about the end of The Toast, I am kind of excited about the prospect of Nicole’s having more time to write. She is such a fantastic writer!
Oh thank you for this!
Okay but didn’t she write something AMAZING about The Jinx being the best thing on television also? I must find it.
Appropriately categorized under “Beauty”: http://the-toast.net/2015/03/18/the-jinx-is-bette…
Nicole we shall always cherish you!
Only NOW am I learning that Nicole also has a weird crush on Kate MacKinnnon? This is such a cruel world.
Everything Ever Written About Pubes Online is one of my favorite Toast pieces.
Nicole, you da real MVP. Truly, I’m so grateful for all the work you’ve done both creatively and just in running the place. YOU HAVE GIVEN ME AN INTERNET HOME, YOU BEAUTIFUL FLOWER FACED WORDSMITH.
Another excellent article to start a FB war.
Please to enjoy this representation of me in denial about July 1:
(caption: The caterpillar of the woolly bear tiger moth remove their long, spiny hairs before they turn into a moth, and use them to construct a protective cage-like cocoon while they pupate.)
a of all) hiding
2nd of b) making defensively hostile cage
Threewise) waiting for a new world to emerge into, to be ready to emerge
d but not least) praying for wings
Oh my god, it rips out its own hair to make a protective cage. That’s fucking hardcore, man.
A Caterpillar Which Is Also Yourself
I love you.
Is it a coincidence that the Channing Tatum piece is from 69 weeks ago? Nice.
90 percent dark chocolate, all day every day, because nobody else will fucking touch it.
I live in hope that not doing the admin side of the Toast will at least have the silver lining that we see more Nicole Cliffe writing online. Surely publications everywhere are courting her for regular freelance work??
Having a good laugh just re-reading the title of “The Order In Which I Would Have Murdered the ‘And Then There Were None’ Guests.” These are all so great. <3
How did I not know about the Tolkien one before now?! That is sheer perfection.
The fact that most of these are from 2013/14 just makes it clearer what Nicole had said about site business taking up too much of her time. And the goodness of these just makes it clearer that we want Nicole to be able write more again!
THIS. It actually makes me feel weirdly better about the site closing.
EXACTLY!!
Every Comments Section About The Best of Nicole Cliffe:
1. This feels so ending-y it’s heartbreaking! Where will we go? What will we do? HOW CAN WE GO ON?
2. Those Every Comments Section pieces were perfection.
3. She was so great here, and also on the Hairpin!
4. And also on that tumblr she had even before the Hairpin, because this is now a contest THAT I AM WINNING.
5. UUGH, shut UP, number 4.
6. Who will lead us? WILL THE SUN STILL RISE TOMORROW?
7. I won’t be able to re-read Middlemarch without tearing up now.
8. Wait, people re-read Middlemarch? Is that a thing people actually do?
9. Wait, people actually ever read Middlemarch? Is that a thing we really did?
10. Yes, we did in 2013-ish! Um, didn’t we? We didn’t *all* just read the sparknotes and then comment like we’d actually read the book, did we?
11. Will we have the strength to march to the middle, come July? Will march have lost its middleness?
12. I always thought of Nicole as a personal friend. Of the type I never talked to directly, and who put no demands on me. Um…. Hm. That didn’t come out quite as poignant as I thought.
13. The Toast is closing, but it’s not like she’s going to Mars. She’ll still publish stuff, somewhere right? RIGHT??
14. I CAN’T BELIEVE THE TOAST IS CLOSING!
15. I’ll miss you all so much! Um, except #4.
16. Seriously, though, everyone’s talking about her humor stuff, but can we spare a moment for her serious pieces?
17. Yes, but not too long a moment because I’m having a hard enough time holding it together as it is, what with the Toast closing and all.
18. ;_;
I just got an error message because I tried to upvote this twice, so. *standing ovation*
19. Whoa, hold up… the Toast is closing?
#12. Internet friends who don’t know I exist, but whose stuff I still get to enjoy are the best.
I was shouting into the @Nicole_Cliffe Twittervoid yesterday about little house on the prairie and my many opinions re Almanzo and his terrible ways knowing it was futile but still wanting the illusion of sharing something with her.
So there’s that.
This is gold. Permanently bookmarking this page for my next holiday.
Re books”literally” owned by white men, I must have had some of the titles in my brain so I (a non-male) purchased a hard copy, all 20 lbs, of Infinite Jest at the airport a month ago. Not knowing why.
Thinking really hard about how to turn my Twitter feed into an alert system for any time Nicole writes something in the future. I don’t want to miss *ANYTHING*!
Maybe create a toastfan account and ONLY follow Nicole and Mallory?
Awesomeness! I can’t believe I never stumbled upon the L.M. Montgomery characters IRL pieces before – SO GREAT!
Re: The beginning, and understanding the ending
Sisters in Toast, have you watched this one? https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=LR1N2xQyODE
AS A MAN I HAVE A NUMBER OF IMPORTANT COMMENTS AND OPINIONS ON THE ARTICLE “BOOKS THAT LITERALLY ALL WHITE MEN OWN”
1. not LITERALLY all white men own them I am a white man and [complaint drowned out by the sound of man being devoured by wild boars]
I am even more terrified of driving a car than I am of talking on the phone, but if I ever DO buy a car, I will be following Nicole’s words 100% to the letter:
the-toast.net/2014/07/11/how-to-buy-a-car/
And, honestly, the opportunity to do so is almost reason enough to buy a car.
are you me
Thank you for reminding me of that, specifically! It’s always in the back of my mind when I see car dealerships or hear car ads on the radio, but sort of thematically? But I want to buy a car soon, so it’s a good reminder to give it a reread.
I am writing to express my outrage that “‘Dick in a Box’ is the Most Romantic Christmas Song” was not included on this list. Thank you for your time.
I will also love the Canadian anthropological studies, such as Facts About Thanksgiving and How to Tell if a Canadian is Mad at You.
BTW, I’d been planning to finish House of Cards tonight so I could read the Nicollective’s response. But now I’m going to have to re-read Nicole’s Greatest Hits instead. My life is hard.
This really just makes me want to draw a little picture that says “Nicole” with little hearts all over it, but in a loving way, not a creepy stalker way.
I…..genuinely did not know about the Sherlock and Benedict articles. Huh.
/goes to Sherlock conventions twice a year, one of which is across the country, though I’ve mostly moved to another fandom
Let me join the Nicole Cliffe appreciation chorus! Thank you for the CanCon, your excellent opinions on books and tv, the white man book list obvi, your a+ internet curating, your whole archive really (here and elsewhere – i loved the classic trash column), you are a treasure.
It makes me extra sad that I wasn't here for so much of that history. At least I was here when Emily of New Moon IRL came out. It made my entire week.
You can get a particular day's content via the url: the-toast.net/YYYY/MM/DD.
Or just YYYY/MM to get a particular month.
So you could work your way through day by day or month by month.
I just chew on sustainably sourced raw cacao beans. Milk products and refined sugar are nothing but addictive toxins.
Ha.
Pubes was my first Toast article, and I was an instant and passionate convert to all things Cliffe / Ortberg (I wasn’t familiar with either beforehand.) (Alas.)
sniff