For attractive lips, say “no” at every opportunity. Build yourself a fortress and a stronghold of No to shield you from the elements. Drift into crowded train stations at noon and whisper into the ears of hurried passersby, “Remember, you don’t have to date anybody.”
For lovely eyes, see through everyone.
For a good figure, run away from roommates and from lovers and from coworkers and live gloriously and perfectly alone in a forest.
For beautiful hair, let no one else touch it. Your hair is yours, and yours only.
For poise, walk alone. Turn down the companion to your left and dismiss the companion to your right. Wish them well and let them vaguely blur and fade into the horizon.
People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; let them do so if they wish. You will become immortal and unchanging and untouched and unknown. Live in a cave, if your fortress does not serve you; live in a cave behind a waterfall behind a forest of poisoned brambles and let those who seek you out die at their own hands.
Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you can conjure one yourself, then wish it senseless and inert when you have done with it.
As you grow older, you will discover that there is no sound more beautiful than walking into the threshold of your own home and hearing nothing: no one calling out from the kitchen inquiring after your day, no one pointedly not-unloading the dishwasher to prove a point, no one ready to talk or complain or carry on a conversation; the house is yours and everything in it and you are the only heartbeat that moves inside its walls.
The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman is in her eternal and perfect solitude. A woman who lives on the edge of a cliff is a happy woman; a woman who lives at the bottom of the cliff is a wise woman; a woman who lives at the depths of the sea wakes herself up every morning with glorious and terrifying laughter, lost in her own pleasure at being alone. The greatest knowledge a woman can possess is the knowledge that no one can find you.
The beauty of a woman is not in her face, but true beauty in a woman is her ability to repel intruders and well-wishers alike.
Tags: beauty, beauty advice, building a castle for only your heart, glorious solitude, or however many feet you have not to be feetist, saying no, stand on your own two feet are you a woman or a mouse, stolen quotes that were misattributed to audrey hepburn in the first place
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hahahahahaha! Fuck yes. (but I hope this doesn’t reflect on your ability to fix your friendship with Nicole)
Dine only on the legs of frogs who were once spoiled princes. It gives a radiant glow to the skin that can’t be approximated by any cream.
And in case the castle and cave don’t work out:
Now, I’m not afraid of heights, but just looking at that picture makes the bottom of my feet itch.
That won’t do at all. There’s a goddam man in there.
Are all witches introverts? Are all introverts witches? Points to ponder…
A coven is just a bunch of witches who know & respect each other enough to leave each other the fuck alone.
This is MY kind of coven (Are there man parts doing a slow boil in the cauldron? Cause that would be great).
God yes, my favorite part of the Discworld witch coven is that they don’t meet. Or they do (just once in a blue moon so Pratchett can write a book, I mean) but the first half of any meeting is “why are we meeting, so-and-so didn’t bother coming anyway, this is stupid.”
And that only go visiting other witches to make sure that they haven’t started cackling and luring children into ovens yet.
Other favorite thing about that coven: every witch has completely contrary ideas about witch magic and a proper witch lifestyle, (the solitary Esmerelda Weatherwax vs the matriarchal Gytha Ogg), and none of them make any particular effort to change the other or tell them they’re doing witchcraft wrong.
A friend and I were trying to remember what a house of nuns is called. One of the guesses was “coven?”
No. No, the word we were looking for is “convent.”
This … wow. Whoa. I have A LOT to think about during cauldron time tonight.
I will recite this every morning before I leave home. And then I will not leave home, but rather cast out the infection of roommates and rest in glorious solitude.
Turns out I’m totally nailing this “beauty” lark!
Right? And here I thought i was failing miserably!
you are the only heartbeat that moves inside its walls
I read this and took a big, satisfying yoga breath and then
I remembered that two other rapidly beating hearts move within the walls of my domicile and I have to pick up canned food for them on my way home or they will call and call and wonder why the wet food does not come.
#damnitfeelsgoodtobeaspinster
Hahaha, I also seriously connected with that one and then whispered “plus two cats.”
So glad I’m not the only one!
“plus two familiars”
I love living alone, and only rarely venture out for brief human contact. I actually don’t know if I can ever live with another human again. Thinking of getting some more plants and growing them into vines that cascade up my front door and make it very difficult to enter my apartment.
*quietly and firmly pays for plane tickets*
*takes to the metaphorical sea*
I bloody love being a solitary witch. (Although I also have cat-heartbeats in my house.)
After a year of having a housemate a a wonderful, saintly friend not only found him a job in her city but offered to take him in. Since then every time I feel the tiniest bit frustrated or sad I hear a little voice saying “You live alone now” and am instantly filled with joy.
<3
After a year of having a housemate a a wonderful, saintly friend not only found him a job in her city but offered to take him in. Since then every time I feel the tiniest bit frustrated or sad I hear a little voice saying “You live alone now” and am instantly filled with joy.
“As you grow older, you will discover that there is no sound more beautiful than walking into the threshold of your own home and hearing nothing: no one calling out from the kitchen inquiring after your day, no one pointedly not-unloading the dishwasher to prove a point, no one ready to talk or complain or carry on a conversation; the house is yours and everything in it and you are the only heartbeat that moves inside its walls.”
Yessssssss. I have never actually lived alone, but I do love this feeling when I am the first one home of the day/on my days off when I’m home alone.
That last tag makes me really want to photoshop these over pictures of Audrey Hepburn and post them on Pinterest…. “OMG, so wise!”
do it
Yes dooo iiit! And post the link here if you do!
I just found my first apartment sans roommates. I think I’m going to write this manifesto all over the walls.
Instead of spending money on clothes, insulate yourself with a lustrous, form-fitting coat of leg hair.
If your own leg hair does not initially grow in thick enough, go down into the town and charm the leg hair away from all the young women and men of the area, so that it leaves them and cleaves to your own, now gloriously hairy, legs. Then return to your forest, secure in the knowledge that they will simply forget they ever had hair there. You are safe. You are alone.
I’m really enjoying the mental image of people’s leg hair scampering away from them.
Yes yes yes, best beauty secret ever! *flaunts satyr-level hairy legs, frolics about*
True beauty in a woman is her ability to join her mind to that of an entire swarm of bees.
Lawks!
Does anyone know of a good spell for banishing awful roommates (and their even awful-er boyfriends)? All of mine have been ineffective.
I was recently researching banishing spells because I really need to use the banishing candle I’ve had set aside for this one person who really needs a good banishing but I cannot for the life of me bring myself to actually do it? In part because I’m worried that I’m so angry with her that I’ll inadvertently cause her hair to fall out, or her mustache to grow in, which isn’t what I want. I mean, mostly it’s not what I want. Maybe a little bit it’s what I want. I dunno. I think it’s better to just continue to seethe for a while, that seems healthy.
Anyway! This is one of the spells I found in my travels, maybe it will work for you? http://witchesofthecraft.com/2014/02/27/the-witch…
Walk around naked a lot. “Oh, I didn’t know you guys would be home.” Worked for me in the past.
What I’m saying is, live your life as if you had no roommates, and it shall come to pass.
Brb, tattooing this on my face.
true beauty in a woman is her ability to repel intruders and well-wishers alike
::love::
How much more pleasant my public transit commute will be when I have attained the ability to repel intruders and well-wishers. *closes eyes in meditation, attempts to exude solitude*
I just want to hug all of this. Especially the part about the glories of a silent house, but also everything else.
I just started crying at the end. Is that supposed to happen?
Will it improve my beauty?
This is the best and most welcome beauty advice I have ever received.
A fortress on a cliff behind a forest of poisoned brambles on the land side, with a secret stair behind down to a boat just the right size for taking to the sea.
I just printed this and tacked it next to my desk. I shall probably print another and sleep with it under my pillow.
I have housemates because grad student in expensive city, and they’re nice and feed the cat when I’m away at conferences/fieldwork, and I get to live in a nice house with a good garden and a real oven and a dishwasher and I get the big attic room with a separate TV-watching area…but I miss living alone. I want to be a mess and order Thai food without justifying things to people.
Oh, oh the same (well, minus the grad student part). Averages rents here are astronomically high and my flat is huge and gorgeous and well-situated and we have a dishwasher AND in-unit laundry but the only reason I have that is because I have roommates. We’ve lived together for ages and I love them like family but I would also like to throttle them sometimes because they are loud and messy and I am not. I would so love to have a quiet and clean place of my own, with no other humans, but I’ve grown accustomed to a certain standard of living.
Also, I spend too much money on yarn and wine.
My helping hand’s name is Mona.
I just had the strongest urge to push my husband out the door
Living the dream, truly.
I love this very much.
I strive to have a lifestyle like that of a medieval anchoress. Silence and solitude and the occasional strange & powerful vision.
Oh nooo this is my last month living alone for the foreseeable future as I am getting roommates soon. I have lived alone for 2 years, and it has been wonderful, but I am a poor student and the money saved from sharing a place will go directly towards schooling so that in future I can always afford to live alone.
Life goals: be able to afford living alone.
MARRY ME MALLORY we will live in separate caves in different countries and communicate only by carrier pigeon.
omg this is a long-overdue answer to that Sam Levinson piece in that book I found at my grandparents’ place, isn’t it. Mallory Ortberg you are a wonder. I thought no one under 60 except me had read that book.
I have been lurking for months and this has finally driven me to comment. I love every single thing about this.
I am 35 and married and have a kid and I have never lived alone EVER (went from my parents’ house to a dorm to an apartment with housemates to living with my boyfriend to marrying him) and I frequently regret that.
I never posted on this but I’m doing it now because it’s my favorite post and today is my last chance. I love you, Mallory! I love you, The Toast! Thank you for teaching me to be beautiful and alone!
I never posted on this but I'm doing it now because it's my favorite post and today is my last chance. I love you, Mallory! I love you, The Toast! Thank you for teaching me to be beautiful and alone!