Toasties! Do you love wine flights? I think wine flights, especially of dessert beverages that aren’t port (though I do love port) are the best. Even better with various sorts of cheese and bread. Do you prefer endless amounts of one thing? Or lots of little tastes of many things? I, for one, like endless amounts of many delicious things. And comments.
Tags: cocktail hour, meta, open thread
Question: how do you deal with someone who has treated you badly and said hurtful things to you, never apologized for it, and yet continues to put on a “nice” facade? I’m dealing with this with a soon-to-be-ex-flatmate (she kicked me out of the apartment, realized that she felt like moving anyway and “took it back”, and has said a whole boatload of fucked-up ableist things about my depression, plus she seems to expect me to just act like everything is normal). It sucks so bad, because I would like to have a nice end to my time in this apartment, and I am REALLY BAD at holding a grudge – like, I constantly have to remind myself of all her fuckery in order to not be friendly with her. It’s one of those things where I would really like to tell her why I am still mad and give her some constructive criticism on stuff, but there would likely be no point to that. Yet, awkwardly, one of the people who’s going to be staying in the apartment with her, is also dealing with depression. So I kind of feel I have to try and say something about how to handle that as a bystander, because her words and actions are honestly just wrong and destructive on that front.
So: give up on “closure” and just leave her life the second I move out? Or try to take some kind of meaningful parting shot? Help me out, Toasties.
I like to preserve a smallish list of people who are to be gotten back at, should the occasion arise and be absolutely blame-free, but mostly?
Just bail. Leave. Leave for your own delightful sake. They’re people, and they’re bad at being good people. You, literally a bee, do not need to be bad at that at all. Also maybe never talk to this people again, they don’t seem to be worth the effort.
Sometimes holding a grudge takes a lot of emotional energy… emotional energy that could be used to for something more important, like yourself! More than that, you’ve said that you think there might not be any point in giving her the constructive criticism. f you know you’re going to move soon, I would just keep it cordial until you have to leave and then never ever ever speak to her again.
It’s so true, that’s exactly why I don’t hold grudges. I don’t have the level of obsession with other people’s behavior that that would require.
Hmm I just went through a similar internal debate about calling out a former friend and I ultimately decided to part quietly into the mist. I spent a lot of time thinking about, what would happen if I confronted her that would make things better? I knew she would most likely respond negatively, I would waste mental space on arguing with her and drawing things out, and I would probably feel worse after speaking with her. Sounds like your roommate is just a Bad Person. Would there be any excuse she could give you to make you feel differently? Nah she just sucks.
But, it’s so hard to believe she is straight up a bad person? Gah, maybe I am just confusing charming/nice-seeming/slightly-naive with actual goodness.
There’s no such thing as closure, except deciding you don’t care anymore.
I would think very carefully about what a parting shot would do for you – will it provide you with the level of fulfillment that transitioning into a healthier, happier living situation will hopefully get you? If not, don’t worry about it and instead focus your mental/physical energy on moving out and getting set up in your next place. Don’t trick yourself into thinking that you owe this person anything re: teaching them how to be a better person – as I can only assume that they’re technically an adult human being, that’s their own responsibility & they’ve got to come to that on their own.
yes hello i like endless amounts of a small variety of related things. 3 or 4 delicious cheeses, a mixed tray of chocolates, or enough shrimp and/or crab to make me sick when I get up from the table, leaving a pile of body parts behind me and the sea-smell on my fingers.
Crab! Let’s have a crab feast together, and delight in the cracking sounds as we break them apart.
ALL THE CARCASSES.
I’m a fool for an array of foods I get to put together and taste and try in whatever combination. Flight of wine or beer? Yes! Tapas? Yes! Cheese tray? Yes! Buffet? Yes! Chocolate tasting? Yes! A sandwich platter of bread and cheese and spreads? Yes! That thing where parents put six different foods in a six-cup muffin tin to persuade their finicky toddler to eat anything? I would fall for that every time.
There’s a passage in the Frances books that my eldest sister and I allude to all the time:
The next day when the bell rang for lunch, Albert said, “What do you have today?”
“Well,” said Frances, laying a paper doily on her desk and setting a tiny vase of violets in the middle of it, “let me see.” She arranged her lunch on the doily.
“I have a thermos bottle with cream of tomato soup,” she said.
“And a lobster-salad sandwich on thin slices of white bread.
I have celery, carrot sticks, and black olives,
and a little cardboard shaker of salt for the celery.
And two plums and a tiny basket of cherries.
And vanilla pudding with chocolate sprinkles
and a spoon to eat it with.”
“That’s a good lunch,” said Albert. “I think it’s nice that there are all different kinds of lunches and breakfasts and dinners and snacks. I think eating is nice.”
“So do I,” said Frances, and she made the lobster-salad sandwich, the celery, the carrot sticks, and the olives come out even.
The array of little things is my ideal meal.
Thank you for reminding me of that passage!
This is also why I love going out for Korean food, because I can get all those little plates of kimchi and pickley vegetables and other goodies (banchan?) as well as a large portion of something else delicious (like bibimbap in a stone pot so the rice gets all toasty on the edges).
Aaand now I’m hungry again right after lunch.
That is my very favorite thing and I haven’t had it in so long and now I am sad but with happy memories of Cho Sun Ok. Even better is when someone else is having bulgogi so you can steal some of it.
Aaah! My sister and I ALSO love this! Albert’s lunch, with the little cardboard salt shaker and hardboiled egg was an object of obsession for us as children. Sometimes we just text “I like a good lunch, said Albert!” back and forth to each other, apropo of nothing at all.
All Frances books are equally perfect, but Bread and Jam for Frances” is the one my sister and I randomly quote the most! See also: “But Gloria gets to have spaghetti, and she’s nothing but a BABY!” and “What is there nicer on the plate and tastier to eat than breaded veal cutlet!” (We are both vegetarians …)
I take great joy in making various sea creature carcasses dance across the table when I get them for dinner. I…am not often allowed to order seafood at fancy places. But I do it anyway
I like wine flights, but beer flights more than wine flights. And appetizers. All of the appetizers. I have started ordering two apps instead of an entree for dinner because it satiates my need to try multiple delicious things and sometimes it ends up cheaper!
Multiple appetizers is the best way to eat! Or an appetizer and a soup and a side! It’s amazing how much fun you can have with many small piles of food.
I love doing this! Every so often I tell myself it’s just like tapas, so it’s not weird at all.
I just tried to break up with my emotionally abusive mother and I’m not sure how it went.
I wrote this long letter, and I tried to put everything in it that might possibly be helpful to her, because I knew I wouldn’t be speaking to her for at least a year. I told her I needed her to get help for her anger issues, that I didn’t feel safe in her house. I sent it off and she asked my dad to read it first, and he doesn’t think she’s ready for it, so she hasn’t read it.
On the one hand, I got what I wanted out of it. I don’t have to go to my parents’ house. I don’t have to speak to my mother on the phone. I’m free of constant criticism and the fear of being screamed at for the first time in my life, and I’m so relieved I can hardly stand it.
But. I’m also really angry at my father for protecting her and not protecting me. I spent years in that house getting screamed at for the smallest things. Forgetting to brush my teeth. Disagreeing with her on a point of history I’d been taught in class that day. Not answering her as cheerfully as she thought I should. On and on. Even as an adult, I’ve had screaming matches with her about where and with whom I’ll spend my birthday. The last of these fights took place when I was 27 years old.
He never stepped in. Apparently he thought I was “ready” for that. But she’s not ready to hear me tell her, calmly, without anger, with every intention of love, that the way she treated me was not okay.
I’m so sick of a hundred times more being asked of me than she’s able to handle herself.
Even if I did get what I wanted. Even if this is less volatile. Even if. It’s not fair.
Internet hugs to you. I hope that the act of writing and sending the letter, even if she hasn’t read it yet, helps YOU. That’s what really matters.
Thanks. It did. Although I wound myself up expecting a shitstorm and I feel vaguely cheated now that everyone is being calm and rational about it. But yes, act of writing letter = very helpful to me.
That’s what’s important: taking care of yourself. I’m so sorry that your parents weren’t capable of taking that care, and it makes it doubly impressive that you figured out how to do it.
I know that feeling. But you did what you needed to do, and their inaction is no responsibility of yours.
Oh darling. I’m so sorry you weren’t protected. But you are so brave and so strong to write that letter to her and it is an act of love for you to have given her the opportunity to make things right, whether she or your dad realize it or not. I hope she does read it, and I mean really read it and take it on.
And you’re right, it isn’t fucking fair. Many hugs to you.
Thanks, Bergy. Me too. Maybe after she’s been in therapy for a year or so. We’ll see. That is one of the pluses – my dad’s told me he’s going to insist she go to therapy, which she has been resisting for about 20 years now. So I hope it all works out in the end.
Good for you for protecting yourself, even when the people who should have been protecting you failed. It sounds like you might want to write a separate letter to your father, when you’re ready, whether you send it or not.
He’s actually apparently had his mind blown by the first letter. He’s self-aware enough to realize his own responsibility in that situation, and he seems to be covering his own guilt without any help from me. Part of the problem is that both of them had a lot of physical abuse in their childhoods, so I imagine he had no idea that screaming could fuck a kid up just as much. I doubt it would have occurred to him. Not that he liked it or anything. He didn’t approve of screaming. He is not a screamer himself. But I also don’t think he had any idea how damaging it was, and now he does, and he’s feeling pretty terrible about letting it happen.
That sounds positive. It might actually be good that he read it first, if he can grow as a result of it.
True story – my bf actually got me a tiara for my birthday.
Happy birthday!!!!
(I am also Lily on my birthday.)
Happy birthday! It’s mine on Sunday and I can state with confidence that the BF will not have gotten me a tiara.
It’s my birthday on Sunday too!
Happy Birthday to all you wonderful scorpios.
Happy birthday! Mine is tomorrow and I’m so excited!
It is my birthday as well! Birthday twins!
Birthday update, my coworkers got me three bottles of wine (to share between all 7 of us), a card, a ice cream cake, and a dolphin balloon. I love my coworkers.
My bf got me a tiara for my birthday one year. I married him. Those two things are (mostly) unrelated.
I am considering relating those things to each other.
Buy tiaras for the people you want to marry you. Can’t hurt.
It was actually yesterday, the 7th but I’m still celebrating. And thank you all!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! Mine is Monday and I’m so excited too!
Happy birthday! Your kerning looks great for its age.
I have never had a wine flight, and now I want one. I want all the cheeses and cured meat and fruit, please.
Also, I am debating going on a pub crawl tomorrow. It is far away, and I would be leaving it before it was over (bonus?). This guy I sort of like is going, but I am not anywhere near 21, so the thought of a pub crawl is exhausting. Ughhh. I will probably just end up playing board games all weekend, honestly.
“but I am not anywhere near 21, so the thought of a pub crawl is exhausting”
It took me SO LONG (yaaay brain) to understand what you meant but now oh yeah, that’s pretty much all bar crawls are good for. Also too much moneys.
Yeah, basically, I AM OLD. You’re right about the money, too. Board games it is!
Ooh, I haven’t been wine-tasting in far too long. This weekend I’m going to a bridal shower and I am bracing myself. The bride registered for all of this crystal and expensive kitchen stuff even though she doesn’t cook and really just wants cash. I don’t know, wedding stuff has been bugging me lately. A lot of the traditions are so sexist and don’t make any sense and people just follow them blindly. It freaks me out because I might want to get married in a few years and this is the expectation? Advice on getting through it?
I’m not married myself, but a lot of my friends have recently gone through it. Just do what you want, it’s your life! Unless you have a large old-fashioned family, feel free to pick and choose and invent traditions however you like.
Also, never have or attend old-fashioned-type bridal showers because they are the worst. If you can’t make an excuse, go find the other reasonable person in attendance and stand in the corner whispering the whole time.
Just grin and bear it for your friend’s shower. For you own future wedding, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do! Every single bit except signing the license is optional, and you can do that where ever you want. STAY AWAY FROM THE KNOT.
I’ve been surrounded by wedding planning a lot lately, as both my sister and my best friend are having their weddings this year and my brother just got engaged. And a lot of the wedding stuff bugs me too, to the point where I’m actively irritated by practically everything about them despite being mostly indifferent before. But I feel like, unless you have a super traditional family, just being aware of how much certain traditions bug you makes it easier to change them up when you have your own wedding. Because then you’re making conscious decisions about things, even if those decisions are ‘eh, I don’t care enough about this aspect to change it from what people expect’. Y’know?
Godspeed with the bridal shower, though. I’ve cleverly avoided all but my sister’s and I spent a good chunk of that one grousing at my mother, who is 100% for the ‘no bridal showers ever’ approach.
Thank you for this. I’m surprised by how much I give a shit about this stuff lately, because really, it has no bearing on me, but I find myself getting mad in the way that I do when I disagree with someone politically. I have to go to this one, but at least I’m pretty sure there will be booze.
yes, do whatever you want!
personally i had a secret courthouse wedding, just the two of us, and we loved it! obviously it’s happy to include all your families and friends if you can (we couldn’t — 3 out of our 4 parents are dead, and it just isn’t the same without them) — but it did feel absolutely wonderful remaking the traditions the way we wanted to do them, and feeling totally free and united as a couple!
I can’t handle wine flights, I get sloppy. The perfect amount of wine flight for me is having my companion get the wine flights while I request a glass that suits the main course, and then waiters feel bad for me and give me tastes of all the flights anyway.
you are the best of all dinner and drinking companions. you do not judge “flights” that are in reality many full glasses of wine all brought at the same time. the best.
Hi guys! I got a new kitten last night! His name is Ollivander. Or Olli. How do I make him and my other cat (Patrick Swayze) be BEST FRIENDS!?
Also I like all flights, especially beer flights, and I wish I could order food flights (platters?). I want to try All The Things Always.
If you find out – let me know. After 3 years of living together, my cat and my boyfriend’s cat remain MORTAL ENEMIES.
I’m really into this show My Cat From Hell which is like the Dog Whisperer for cats. He always suggests doing positive activities with both cats in the room, like play and feeding. That way they start to associate good things happening with being around each other.
I watched that once! But I couldn’t get over that guy’s facial hair.
It is ridiculous.
that show is one of the most ridiculous things i’ve ever seen on television. and yet, it’s enthralling.
Dress him up like Keanu Reeves.
I would also like to know. We are thinking about getting another cat because ours is lonely, but what if they don’t like each other?
it is recommended to keep New Cat in a separate room for a while, and let Original Cat have the run of the place, minus New Cat’s space – they will become aware of each other eventually, as paws get poked under the door, but neither of them will feel threatened, and Original Cat won’t feel like their space is being taken over. Then after a day or two, let them have some mingling time, but if it seems stressful for either of them, put NC back in the room for a bit. The mingling time can get longer, until they are happy to be in the same space.
i think it’s easier to introduce a kitten to an older cat, since the kitten will naturally be Not In Charge, but your older cat may require occasional time outs from a curious and playful kitten.
Excellent cat naming skills, you have.
Ha! I originally read that as “I got a new kitchen last night! His name is Ollivander.” It was bemusing! A kitchen w a name and personality! But I see it now. And a new kitty is fantastic as well 🙂
Yes! Flights are the best. Wine, whiskey, cheese, pretty much anything that is delicious and comes in many varieties. It makes drinking into a fun activity/ discussion topic, and helps you learn what you like, which makes it much easier when you need to look at a menu or the wall of bottles behind a bar and order something like you know what you’re doing.
We have a scotch-tasting flight thing that happens here and it is pretty well perfect, at least in part because our liquor stores only stock so many, which means the delicious possibility of universal know-it-all-ness is well in reach of even the lightest of weights.
I need that. Also: whiskey.
It usually includes bourbon and rye and … basically whatever whisky-flavoured beverages you like. NO GIN.
I need this in my life. Like, right now. A whisky/whiskey flight here, on my desk. Now, at 8:45 AM. Yes.
Ohhhhhhhh, I really need that. But I would like to state, for the record, that I do like gin, provided it is drowning in lime or olives and olive juice.
I was once peer pressured into a whisky tasting at 10am in Dublin and made it through 1/2 of the 1st shot bc I am bad at hard liquor. But I remember being disproportionately amused by the rest of the morning so I consider it a net win overall.
The last wine flight I had was basically three full glasses of wine, so that was pretty awesome. I am a fan of flights and samplers in general. The best one ever was a mead flight, with 5 tiny mead-glasses full of deliciousness.
Oh my god. I love mead. I want a mead flight. I want it delivered in golden goblets.
I want HORNS. HORNS OF MEAD.
Brought to me by Eric Northman.
This week I saved a favorite old dress that was covered in pills by shaving it with a safety razor. And then I furiously shaved other items in need (another dress, a pair of tights, some gloves). Feeling pretty damn pleased with myself, but also feeling like this new-found technique will unleash the OCD beast of MUST SHAVE ALL THE CLOTHES and in a couple of weeks someone will find me dead in a pile of shaved-off fuzz.
haha, I was imagining your dress looked like this:
COVERED IN PILLS GET IT
I kind of want a dress like that.
How did the safety razor do in comparison to any other tools you’ve tried? I have two cardigans that are probably too pilled to wear to work at this point, but they are soooo soft and I love them and want to keep wearing them. TIps on techniques?
Well, the only other method I’ve tried was tiny cuticle scissors (in an emergency), which resulted in accidentally cutting a hole in the item. So by comparison, this was a resounding success.
I used one of my partner’s old razors (I don’t shave), which I think was actually helpful in terms of being already sort of dulled blades. I have read that using a single-blade design makes it less likely that you will razor a hole into your clothes. In terms of technique, I just spread it out on my bed and tried to pull it taut on whatever section I was working on. In hindsight, I think a desk or a table would be a better surface (or even wearing the item, if it is tight-fitting).
I have mostly stopped talking to this guy who has been my best friend slash… lover? (That’s a weird word. But we weren’t dating.) Anyway, figured I should cut things off if he didn’t want to get into a long-distance committed relationship. But it has been really, really hard, because when you talk to someone every day for a year, when you were each other’s support system when working overseas together… I don’t know. I think he misses me a bit, too. But he is doing his PhD in Boston and I’m just getting ready for a new job in DC, so. I keep telling myself this new job will make me too busy to be sad.
work will leave time for sadness, so you’ve gotta take the downtime and do something new. Meet new people, write, learn an instrument, cook things, etc. I’ve found that I only pine for people outside my life when there’s little in my life to recommend it.
Good advice, both of you! Thank you for the encouragement. It’s the motivation I needed to keep plowing forward.
THANK GOD! There’s so much, I don’t know where to start!
-Tomorrow is my 25th birthday! I’m having a party with cupcakes!
-My ex has been text-flirting with me and it’s making me feel confused! Why do they disappear for many months and then you run in to them somewhere and that flips a switch and they start wishy-washily putting the feelers out again? WHAT IS THAT.
-I started running (jogging?) for exercise when I quit smoking two months ago but I can’t seem to push past the two mile mark without having to stop to catch my breath. I know I should be more patient with my healing lungs but I keep thinking I’ve ruined them forever and it’s too late to be a runner. But that isn’t true, right?
Also, I just want to say how much I love it here at the Toast. You all are super awesome and I am hugging all of you (if you like to be hugged!) through the Interwebz.
Happy birthday for tomorrow for you too! All of us were Valentine’s day conceptions then…
My ex started sexting me as soon as he found out I was seeing someone else – got hugely dog in the manger about it. Two years on he is still trying!
Wait a second… no no no no no. *hands over ears* la la la. can’t hear you. Valentine’s day.
Happy birthday and congrats on quitting smoking! That is awesome. Maybe try running in intervals? You might be able to go longer if you take more frequent breaks.
Intervals are the worst thing, but they do really help build stamina.
yay scorpios! y’all are the stingy best. Also as to ex’s: blame that shit on Mercury. Comes back into your life, will then vanish until the next time that dopey planet looks like it is going backwards.
i love blaming the planets and their moons.
Keep jogging! There’s no shame in taking breaks when you feel like you need one.
(Whoops, I replied to the wrong person!) Maybe try running a lot slower than you normally do? I way prefer sprinting short distances, and I’ve found that the distance pace I want to start with is a LOT faster than what is actually feasible for my weakling legs.
there is (or at least was about 7 years ago) a restaurant in chicago that serves PANCAKE FLIGHTS for brunch, with a different theme every week, such as “common muffin flavors” or “movies starring tom hanks.” it was the best, although actually physically impossible for a single person to eat alone. I am solidly in the “lots of tastes of many things” camp regarding pretty much all food and beverage.
This is a revelation. What a brilliant idea!
This is still a thing! The restaurant is called Orange. I have never actually gotten their pancake flight because their chai french toast is so good. And because last time I was there it was Avengers themed, and they were kind of weird flavor combinations to get the colors right.
I’ve been to a restaurant in Chicago that serves bacon flights! I’d forgotten all about it until just now. I wonder if it’s the same place.
I am going to a knitting retreat in the mountains this weekend with a bunch of friends! We are going to bring our knitting and crocheting projects and go for long brisk walks above the lake and then come back and snuggle down by the fire and drink hot chocolate together, it is going to be GREAT. And I went to the dentist to have my stitches taken out and he said everything’s healing great, and I am almost able to eat crunchy foods again. Go teeth.
Yay yay yay tasting flights!! I don’t really like most wine, but I am in hog heaven with tasting plates of cheese or meats or other deliciousness. Are there tasting plates of fruits? Is that a thing? I’d love to sit down with like a variety of fancy heirloom apples or peaches or cherries, with a little bit of bread and cheese and chocolate alongside. Mmmm.
I need to go on a knitting retreat — it might be the only way to finish my husband’s scarf, which was supposed to be an October birthday present but will now probably be a Christmas present instead. Fail.
i am envious of your getaway, it sounds wonderful! is it an organised thing, or just something your group decided to put together?
i may steal this idea, actually.
DO IT DO IT. It’s not at all organized! One person’s family has a cabin a few hours away, and she invites everyone up to stay there once or twice a year- we settle on a date, and people choose which meals they want to cook or bring food for (I purchased all of the sandwich fixin’s yesterday), and then we all carpool up together and bring our projects. I’m going to try to finish my hat so I have something warm and fashionable-ish to wear for winter.
I want to do a knitting retreat, but I cannot knit. I wonder if I could have a reading retreat instead, where we do the walks and the fire and the chocolate but everybody reads?
I would attend a reading retreat! I mean, that’s the way I spend my weekends anyway, but it would be nice to have some company!
Oh, lovely! I’ve been trying to do something like that with my knitting friends but each time the planning starts it’s like herding cats and so we give up for a few months.
Guyyyys tonight I am going to see THOR 2: ASGARD BOOGALOO, and tomorrow I’m going to a concert in a CEMETARY, and then my friends are having an Anne of Green Gables viewing party, AND it’s a three-day weekend.
WHY ISN’T IT TIME TO LEAVE WORK AND START MY AWESOME WEEKEND YET
ahhh MADDEST OF JELLIES. I won’t get to see Thor until next weekend, alas, so please shriek extra-hard at the Winter Soldier preview for me
I am going to Thor tomorrrrrowwww. So excited for ridiculous Space Vikings.
I am very jealous of your weekend. I get to spend tomorrow morning paying lots of money to have dudes kick squirrels out of my walls.
I saw Thor last night (the local theatre had an 8 pm show, which feels like so much cheating to me) and it was the best! And your weekend sounds like the best too. Have fun!
I’m getting really into juice these days in a way that makes me feel like Buster knew what he was talking about.
Like, juicing/cleansing or just enjoying a nice glass of apple juice?
HOW CAN YOU EVEN ASK THAT
I had this super good pear juice that was SPARKLY AS BALLS and crisp as shit and it ruled
Tell us of this juice!
pears rule
Mallory what are you juicing
(is it men)
I, too, would like more information.
like the garbage sugar water full of beautiful jewel colors that gives you diabetes
Question: what is the Toast’s official stance on vegetable juices?
ok wait because they can be really good. Like, some beet and carrot and ginger? That shit is sweet and delicious.
hmm. good question. the bartender is allergic to many vegetables, but is not morally opposed to vegetable juice. so go forth and squeeze the essence out of that broccoli!
Can I just say that I got one of those carrot-orange juice things from Starbucks because I thought it would taste more-or-less like orange juice, AND IT TRICKED ME. IT WAS LIKE A VEGETABLE ATTACK. It’s been two weeks and I’m still so angry.
Tricked by roots. ROOTS.
I just assumed she was abusing PEDs and was gearing up to reveal her new Terminator bod
My husband frequently tells people that my problem with wine is that it doesn’t taste more like juice. And he’s correct. Juice is the best!
If I buy a wine that ends up tasting crappy, I will often add orange juice to it until it tastes good.
I usually add sprite to crappy wine, because spritzers!
That is also my problem with wine & my solution is just to skip the wine & head straight for a lambic beer.
Honestly, I love me some beer, but I’d still probably prefer a nice sparkling apple cider. Or apple cider. Hard cider is good too, but regular cider is the best.
Hard cider IS regular cider >:|
The other day I gave myself this long internal lecture after buying a ridic expensive bottle of upscale honeycrisp apple juice and then I was like, “Why are you punishing yourself? This is delicious!” Life is too short to not buy stupid expensive yuppie apple juice.
It’s the dark cherry juice that gets me. Although I swear it tasted better before people started trying to claim that it had magical health powers. It’s just juice, people.
(Also, if you have a Sprouts anywhere near you, you can get fancy yuppie juice for awesome prices sometimes)
this party’s going to be off the hooook!
Oh my God, I just realized that line was foreshadowing for Buster’s hand. Do the layers of genius in AD never end?
Do you drink Looza? Looza is superior to all other juices ever. Especially peach Looza. and apricot. SO GOOD. drink it now!
Okay, I think I now understand what a wine flight is from context. At first I was imagining a really fancy airline that gives you nice wines and breads and cheeses on your way to DC or whatever, and was boggling a little at the cost. (In case you can’t tell, I don’t drink much. Or ever.)
Unrelatedly, I have been feeling very emotionally tender since yesterday, in the way that everything seems very beautiful and sad and I’m lonely but it feels like a profound sort of loneliness, which is probably kind of insufferable. I’d chalk it up to my period, but I’ve been ON my period for over a month now, so maybe it’s just due to an iron deficiency.
I would go on that airline.
I do not like wine flights because wine makes me poop.
it is a good thing to poop, though! (i mean, not immediately or uncontrollably, of course.) this is 1/3 of my reasons for coffee in the morning, if i can be crude. (1/3 caffeine and 1/3 sweet milky deliciousness)
I’ve resolved to stop lurking because The Toast is too good and I can’t lurk anymore.
Good things that happened this week: I introduced a new pal to the awesomeness of the “Texts from” series and she loved it, therefore confirming that we should be BFFs. Also, I packed my lunch and intend to go on a long walk over my break today for the second time this week. And I am eating carrots and hummus right now. I feel so healthy! But I’m worried that all my coworkers can hear me eat my annoyingly crunchy carrot sticks.
Oh man, carrots and hummus is the best snack ever.
I am literally making hummus for the first time right now. Why is hummus SO delicious? HOW?
Chickpeas. Chickpeas are good in everything.
I always wonder just how loud munching on carrots is for my cubiclemates.
Do any ladies who have had babies know of good ways to make the weird thing where you get a side stitch from your uterus getting bigger hurt/happen less?
Be really really still. That might help a little, sometimes.
That was definitely my strategy this morning when I refused to attend the pep rally where I would have walk to a mile across campus and then climb three flights of bleacher stairs .
Water. More water. Always with the water. Until you are a sloshy mess sloshing across campus. To get more water.
THANK GOD FOR EARLY OPEN THREADS. I have had a cold all week and I am stuck at work all day and I am just ticking down the minutes until I can go home. (15 minutes down … 480 to go!)
I am sitting here waiting for my final interview for a job in NYC to call and trying to make my mouth move in ways that form words.
ee good luck to you too owlie!
yeah that went well I guess? The hiring manager asked if he could call me later this afternoon????
Wine flights are awesome. I also had a tea flight at a hugely pretentious tea store that was very good. Tea flights are excellent.
I had some NEPALESE tea yesterday, courtesy of my lovely friend, and it was AMAZING. All delicate.
I am 13 weeks pregnant today and about to start telling people! It’s so exciting but also I don’t want them all up in my business about it. Also I am terrified of telling my boss, who is rumored to be quite hostile to such things (the last time a lady employee had a baby was 14 years ago, five years before I started here…) Any advice, beyond pretending to be eating way too much pie for the next 6 months?
(Also I love the idea of wine flights, but they always have several wines I do not enjoy, and then I feel sad but obliged to get through them. I wonder if anyone offers ginger ale flights?)
congratulations! Ehh, you have to tell your boss sometime, and they can just get over themselves.
Loose clothes and “maybe she’s getting fat” only work for so long.
I’d say, put off telling it at work for a few more weeks. Everyone loooooves babies! But that in itself can be annoying. I kind of intended to announce at work earlier than I did and ended up putting it off because a coworker had some tragic stuff going on that put a damper on things. But I’m glad I delayed, because since then, I have not had a day that does not include a conversation about the “size of [my] tummy.” There is a coven of secretaries that cackles benevolently every time I walk by.
I am not complaining, really. Everyone is very sweet and very excited for me, and really, it’s fine so far. But I still have 4 months to go! I imagine it’s going to get a little repetitive.
But how many people have tried to touch your bump so far? I’m at 18 weeks and have been groped by 5 people so far. I have not yet perfected an anti-grope strategy beyond entering a room and telling everyone they’re not allowed to touch me.
Hah! I am holding down with only ONE belly-toucher so far. But I also live in Pennsylvania, and a few weeks ago, pregnant-belly-touching was ruled illegal. Not sure if that is actually influencing anyone, but I’m about to go visit my in-laws in Wisconsin. I will report back on my findings.
Yeah, I’m sure that is just one of many disadvantages of living in Texas.
No one has groped me yet, because my bump is only 1/2″ tall, but my plan is to grope back. I am looking forward to upsetting old ladies in the grocery store with this strategy.
Also, congratulations! Welcome to the club! (Can we have a club?)
I love clubs!
I would join that club. I bet it would be more fun than any websites dedicated to baby stuff.
Seems like there could be a club name with some kind of pun relating toast and a bun in the oven.
Ugh I should really start looking for a new job, but the thought fills me with a profound horror. Toasties, how do you motivate yourself to write resumes (shudder) and cover letters (full body shudder) and fill out online employment histories (quiet vomiting in the corner) and send them off into the abyss?
Second question: how the fuck to I figure out what the fuck I want to do with my life?
my best job hunting rule was to limit the amount of time i spent revising things, send them off within an hour of opening the file, and then do my best to forget about it and not stress.
i also highly recommend askamanager.com for her resume/cover letter tips.
I can relate. One thing that was hard for me to come to terms with was just how time-consuming the process can be. It’s helped me to break it up into chunks and put time limits on it– like, okay, today I’m going to spend an hour just looking at jobs and save ones I’m interested in. Okay, today I’m going to work on my resume. Today I will write a kick-ass cover letter and actually apply to this job. Also, some days you’ll look at jobs for an hour and not see anything that appeals to you and you can start to feel like you’ll never find another job. But you just have to remember that there will be more jobs posted tomorrow and one of them could be really cool.
Idk if this applies to you, but I have a bunch of different skill sets/experience so I have a template resume and an unformatted document with ALL my various jobs on it, so I can quickly cut and paste and tailor my resume for each position. That’s saved a lot of time. Good luck!
Seconding Ask a Manager. Also, once I had one cover letter set up, I found that it gave me a good starting point for the next one.
I am physically incapable of sitting down to write an entire cover letter- it makes me anxious enough that I find 10 minutes of writing, 5 minutes of pacing, etc. is a more effective writing strategy. And then reading Ask A Manager when I got too worked up about something- she’s very sensible and it helped when I wasn’t feeling sensible myself.
Brainstorming material before you start writing helped me a lot too- my work is project based, so I just listed each project I’d worked on, what its basic characteristics were, and what I accomplished on the project (particularly anything above and beyond). Then I could just pull the most relevant examples into my cover letter and resume- I had things down to nearly a Mad-Libs level by the time I had about a dozen applications out (and I got more interviews/ responses out of the later ones that the earlier ones, so it was definitely working). The first one is the hardest!
I only write cover letters after a drink. Seriously.
I try to think of applying to jobs as the end of the activity, not a potential start, because that way lies “what if they call me back and I’m not expecting it and I sound weird on the phone and I get an interview and yay interview but also oh god interview and do I even have shoes for this BUT IT WON’T HAPPEN BECAUSE NOBODY WILL EVER CALL ME BACK OR HIRE ME FOR ANYTHING” madness. So I say “I am applying for a job today!” and I do it, and I record it somewhere, and I reward myself for doing it, and I try to consider the matter closed.
y’all, why is November/October always so nuts? is it just all the shit from the rest of the year breaking the dam? full moon in Scorpio? Mercury retrograde? the past two to three weeks have just been sort of extreme, I guess is the word I’m looking for. Like I’m narrowly avoiding my doom or something. I’m an astrology flake (whatever works) so I want to listen when the Rumpus tells me to just STAY INDOORS but I can’t help myself. I need a moat. And vittles.
Two eclipses in the past month! That is what I am blaming this on!
WHOA, I totally know what you mean! I’ve been feeling “off” the past few weeks, I can’t describe it, but everything has been feeling extreme and intense! For the past three weeks I’ve been asking people if it’s a full moon because I’ve felt so crazy. Glad to know that astrology is affecting other people too (maybe? or hormones? or cold weather?)
Is there a way to pose for a maternity picture that doesn’t look dumb? We’re taking family photos this weekend. Mostly I’ve seen a lady, and possibly her husband, cradling her bump and staring serenely off in the distance, and that is not for me.
Can you just pose however you would normally pose if you weren’t pregnant?
Unhelpful suggestions: 1. Pose with you pointing at your bump, and your partner giving enthusiastic thumbs-up. Tears are optional. 2. Pose with a bottle of beer. Maybe more than a bottle. 3. Draw a face on your bump. 4. Draw a skeleton on your bump. 5. Definitely cut a hole in your shirt/dress to showcase the bump.
ETA: I should probably not procreate.
No no no no, no naked bump time. Not ever. Fully clothed bump only.
The first one might be kind of funny.
1. Card, writing on front: Who’s got two thumbs and is pregnant?
Inside: Mrs Teacherface pointing at bump with thumbs up
2. as SSVerity suggests below, bump cutout in your t-shirt ala Mean Girls boob cutouts
OK real suggestion: you 3/4 facing the camera with husband 3/4 mirroring you with his arm round your shoulders, both looking down tenderly at Bump.
Whatever you do, if your husband happens to have a bump of his own, do not let it be seen in profile. I recently viewed a set where his bump was more prominent than hers, and it was so so sad. He can just face forward! Or stand behind her!
I don’t have any ideas for pose, except that profiles look way more exciting – it can be hard to tell from the front even if you’re pretty big just what is going on.
Yeah, I have seen the mom bump vs. dad bump a lot – with “beer” or something written on it, and it is terrible. It was a little funny the first time I saw it, but not the 15th. My husband does not have his own bump though, he is a pretty skinny dude, so no worries there!
Are you one of those people who plays music for/reads to the almost-baby? Because I mostly find maternity photos sort of weird, but I would smile at a picture of a woman listening to music with her soon-to-be child or something. It seems…friendly.
(I do not have children, and frequently fail to regard small children as actual people, and I REALLY don’t get babies. It shows, doesn’t it?)
I don’t, or I haven’t. I know the baby can hear at this point – I’m 18 weeks pregnant – but I haven’t done much about it. That does sound like a cute picture though – rocking out with an earbud on my belly. 😛
I saw one where the naked belly had been photoshopped to look like a baseball and the dude was standing behind the lady with his arms around her, holding a baseball glove below her belly. So, I think compared to that almost everything is a win.
I have seen lots that are not horrifying. You can go with something like what SSVerity said, where you’re doing a normal pose but just angled a bit so the bump is visible. Profile things can be cute too (holding both hands but bodies not touching, you lying with your head in his lap looking up at him, etc).
This is so late, but I know the lady in these and I kind of love them. I think the general approach of the photos just being recordings of some sweet domestic time makes it feel less cheesy. http://photosbycarrieg.com/2013/10/15/bloomington…
I saw a photo shoot on facebook recently that was really lovely – the mum looked like she was about 7 or 8 months pregnant and she was having a paint ball fight with her partner and son. Not like, with paintball guns, more like that scene in 10 things I hate about you where they have, like, balloons with paint in them so it doesn’t hurt and is fun.
They all wore white and the paint splatters were all different colours.
Yes, a million different little things! A selection of amuse bouche and wine flights would be my ideal meal.
ALSO!
My 5 year old niece is one of the princess-loving, pink-sparkle girls. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but she’s gotten into the habit of separating things and activities into “boy things” and “girl things”, and refuses to do what she says are “boy things”.
Anyone have advice on how to start instilling a love of feminism now, because “I can’t do that! Only boys can do that!” about sciencey stuff breaks my misandrist heart. (I have carte blanche from her parents to tell her all the things I want.)
I don’t have any advice but I am eagerly awaiting some from other people. I am newly an aunt (my niece is only 6 months old) but I am firmly committed to teaching her about feminism early and often.
maybe you can find some great kids books with lady scientists or similar, so she has examples of girls doing “boy things”? non-disney-princess role models? i’m sure the toast commentariat has recommendations.
also, with that age, kids are often looking to express their identities, and she may be trying to reinforce hers by trying to create the binary girl vs boy identity, which is easier to understand – as she develops, chances are (esp with with a cool auntie like you) she’ll ease up on it a bit.
It’s not so much just science. It’s also that she shows so little interest in any of the STEM things, even appropriate to her age level, and shows so little interest in learning to read. Learning in general. It’s all princesses and dolls all the time.
It’s just so strange to me. I was super precocious, figured out the whole reading thing at about 2 and a half, had a high school reading level by 2nd grade. I read encyclopedias for fun in kindergarten. Learning is the best thing ever, even now. This child confuses me so hard.
I get the expressing herself, definitely, and no way in hell am I looking to stomp on her toes there. She can be as frilly and glittery as she wants, and I’ll have tea parties with her. I just want her to know that she can do all the “boy stuff” too.
Maybe it’s too mean but what about a few opt-outs from you at playtime? “Oh, no thank you. I don’t really like to play princesses. I think that changing my doll’s clothes so much is not very fun.” Not to hurt her feelings but maybe to counter all of the “pretty princess” positive reinforcement she gets from others.
I get where you’re going with this but I think had someone done that to me as a kid, especially from an aunt (or someone older I looked up to) I would have been crushed and probably would have only seen it as a cool older person telling me that I’m boring for what I like. I think maybe it would be better to bring science and books and learning into the tea party, so she associates it with things she already likes rather than dismissing the stuff she enjoys. But maybe I was just a sensitive kid.
with my niece and nephew, I have just taken to laughing kindly but in a “you have to be kidding me” sort of way.
I also (gently) sometimes explain “that’s not true.” “Where did you get that idea?” in a totally unworried, calm, kind, “of course that’s not true” kind of a way. That, and providing counterexamples (like Marie Curie and David Bowie) that are cool. But it’s a phase — mine have mostly outgrown the phase. I think that making it clear you’ve never heard of such an outlandish idea and you don’t endorse it — oh, how silly! — can be the way to go — no reason to let a little kid start telling YOU how the world works! 🙂
Stuff that explores “boy things’ with a “girly” twist like:
Pink microscope? http://www.amazon.com/600x-Pink-Dual-Slide-Micros…
Goldie Blox and her engineering stuff: http://www.amazon.com/Goldie-Blox-The-Spinning-Ma…
…which might allow you to help her transition to science things.
Maybe this book: Not All Princesses Dress in Pink http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1416980180/
I love Jane Yolen. And also, I totally forgot about the Paperbag Princess too. And then Amazon was the death of me. Again.
I loved the Paperbag Princess so much as a kid! I’m going to have to nab a copy for my gestating kiddo, boy or girl.
I give a copy of it to everyone I know that has a baby. (I mean, obviously I love it….see username!)
My 5 year old nephew has started doing the same ‘boy things’ and ‘girl things’ division too. It’s so difficult! He isn’t refusing to do ‘girl things’ because I don’t think he actually cares all that much, but he does do things like tell me matter of factly that I can’t dress like a male character for Halloween because he’s a boy and I’m a girl. It’s not policing, exactly, but it’s like he can’t understand why I would want to.
I’m hoping very much that asking him why I can’t do things and just generally countering the ideas as they come up will help, and I’m thinking your niece will also benefit from you being a good role model for her. I’m also hoping that it’s just a phase that’ll pass once they grow old enough to be less black and white in their thinking.
I sure hope so, but it’s good to start setting foundations now. Thanks!
Depending on the mood of the situation and how she seems to feel about what she’s saying:
– “How do you know that?” or “What makes you say that?”
– “You’re mistaken about that.” (Then give some examples — Mae Jemison! or whoever’s appropriate to the situation)
– “X is really fun and anybody can do it.”
Try not to sound stressed or anxious, don’t get into a power struggle about it (you will lose), don’t even get into a dialogue about it unless that seems to be indicated by her response. I know it sounds super weird to say “you’re mistaken” to a five-year-old, but it’s neutral and it’s true, two things that are in your favor here.
This is great advice. Thank you!
Something that I think subconsciously got in my head to shake up the boy vs girl activities was what my own parents would do around the house or in their spare time. My dad loves to cook, my mom lights weights like a beast. If she says she won’t do something because it’s “for boys,” maybe you could steer toward toward the example of mommy/daddy doing something that lots of people think is just for boys/girls.
Hmm. That’s actually a really interesting thought. I was raised by a single mom, so clearly everything was being done by one woman, and sometimes other family members, mostly women, but my grandfather, bless, did not care one whit about gendered segregation of duties. Girl things and boy things were never really my bag. She’s in a more “traditional” space.
Based on my experiences, there seems to be a really common phase of gender rigidity around that age; kids are really into all kinds of categorization (which is good for them in the long run, just frustrating when it’s gender!). I hate to say “it’s just a phase,” but it might just be a phase.
More than telling her she’s wrong, I think it’s good to casually expose her to depictions and real-life examples of people of all genders doing all kinds of things. This makes later conversations more natural–rather than “science isn’t only for boys! Let me tell you about Marie Curie…” you’ve got “hey, remember when we met my friend Rebecca who’s fighting cancer and helping sick people? She gets to do that because she practices science. Does that make HER a boy?” (And then one day you could end up with a sparkly pink princess who travels to the stars with science!)
Not gonna lie, I want to be a sparkly pink princess who travels to the stars with science when I grow up now.
I realize I’m replying late but couldn’t refrain from adding to this conversation. I was an extraordinarily pink-loving Barbie-Disney-tutus-and-glitter kind of youngling for a few years. Once I got a little past the Kindergarten mark, though, I went the other way and became a still-unconsciously-super-girly tomboy for a few more years. I think I’ve finally started getting a handle on my own feelings about fashion and gender and identity and seeing the world in a less binary way, but that all came with time. I won’t promise that your niece will go through the same things I did as a smaller person (I’ve never been small tbh), but some things really do shift more fluidly than they seem within the present moment.
Another thing that helps with encouraging children to read is to read to them, repeatedly and often. Kids like repetition and feel safe with patterns and routines. Maybe you could read the same few books or stories with her every time you visit? I was a sucker for myths and legends (and still am…) so finding examples with strong women in them could excite her imagination. Hope this helped!
I know that we’re all above believing in horoscopes and psychics and such but I have to tell you all this story (not jinxing it, or anything). My October Susan Miller horoscope said that October 16 was my only plausible romantic day. And on that day, I was on a site visit. On that site visit, I met a man person with whom I had really great chemistry. I gave him my card but he never called. That seemed to be about right for my romantic prospects these days. BUT THEN! A few days ago, we were matched on OKC. And I sent him an email like “didn’t we meet a few weeks ago?” And we have a date tomorrow night. As foretold by the stars.
Yay! That’s so exciting! I just started reading Susan Miller last month and I love how crazy detailed her horoscopes are.
SUSAN MILLER KNOWS EVERYTHING
Come sit next to me and bring like 3-4 people with adventurous palates or open minds. Let’s all order different wine flights. And share. And ask the cute bartender questions about the terroir and then nerd out and compare and contrast. Then we descend upon cheese plates – a few different ones that will make us wrinkle our noses initially but then moan in delight. Let’s keep them rotating around the table a bit. After we finish maybe we need dessert? Or a whiskey flight?
I am another who has resolved to stop lurking less. So, hello.
I’m finishing up my first semester of library school, and one of our required classes is reference services, and our professor likes to give us ridiculous made up reference questions as assignments. So today I get to spend my day figuring out “what evidence is there for the continued existence of the Order of the Solar Temple?” Or, CULTS! I have no interest in reference services but this is the most interesting homework I’ve ever had, I think.
Cheers for library school! Aw, now I’m all nostalgic for fake reference questions. I’m a librarian at an a culinary/art school and I don’t get enough random ref questions for my liking. (Mostly I help people print stuff out. Boooo. My genius is wasted on you all).
Library school so far has been one huge realization that the sum total of my job in almost any setting is going to be “helps people print stuff out.” I can’t even make a photocopier work. *sobs internally* (this is a gross generalization, but you know!)
Sounds about right 🙁 But every once in a while someone will think I’m a hero because I got a book through ILL for them, and I’m a little too into citations/formatting for papers so I really get excited when students ask that.
I graduated with my MLIS last Decemeber and I’m finding that all that little stuff that I was like “ugh when am I ever going to use this?” I use constantly–stupid hand coding, weird lines in the catalog like 540, really specfic details about creating a survey…
…which is to say I should be paying better attention to the little bits? Good to know! I want to work with digital services in some capacity (not sure what yet! I like everything!) so I have honestly not been super into this first semester, which is super general and feels like kindergarten some days. :/ (…we were literally singing Old MacDonald yesterday, learning about teaching methods…)
Any lady programmers here? I’m hoping to switch to a career in web development and would love some advice from anyone who already does that, or who works in a job that requires knowledge of programming languages. Currently I’m an admin assistant so this isn’t something happening right away, but I’m making my 1 year plan and want to get everything sorted out. I’m starting with the tutorials on Code Academy to dip my toes in the water and I’m also hoping to start taking classes at a nearby community college. I’m not about to go and get a second bachelors degree for this so my goal was to build experience, create some things on my own and try and build my portfolio. I’ve also looked into programs like App Academy and whatnot but I’m hoping to do this without quitting my job to take a full time unpaid program. If anyone has any tips at all that would be most welcome.
Look for female coding groups in your area – a lot of larger cities have groups of women who want to learn Python or Ruby (Ruby on Rails is the language du jour). Also see if any CCs or public schools in your area have CS/IT certificates or second-degree/post-bac programs; they’re usually more manageable part time.
In general, if you teach yourself and find some cool projects to do as hobbies (maybe volunteer to build/improve a website for a group or nonprofit you like!), you can present these in interviews to get your foot in the door. I know a lot of programmers, especially web devs, who have liberal arts degrees.
THAT SAID, it is going to be harder for you as a woman. I’m serious.
Sorry – I don’t mean to sound like a jerk. But as a lady in tech who really wants more women in tech, I HATE it when people gloss over this fact. Working in IT as a woman can be very, very shitty. Be ready for it and don’t take any shit.
Not a jerk! Very useful advice!! I spent last weekend reading over the entire programmersbeingdicks.tumblr.com and crying into my wine so I’m aware that it’s going to be a problem. Part of the reason it’s a one year plan is so that I can have a full year to prepare myself for that. Do you have any tips for how to deal with it? Right now I work in a mostly female department of a women’s college (that is known for being feminist) as an admin assistant (which, is the only job I’ve ever done and which is very very female dominated). This is actually the first workplace where I experienced sexism, but because of the nature of the department it was a very mild sprinkling that I didn’t have to deal with directly. I’m unsure of what to do if really confronted with sexism. I mean, I’ve experienced it a ton in my personal life but because it’s my personal life (rather than my job) my response is usually to just stop spending time with that person. If you have any tips and tricks for things to say that would be great.
The main thing I’m worried about is the ‘logic’ issue. This is something I’ve noticed with guys who are misogynists but who are also into science or math or whatever. Basically what happens is they’ll say absurdly sexist things but then try to defend it with bullshit faux logic. I’m always unsure of how to respond to that because since it always seems so ridiculous and illogical to me I usually either stare blankly at them and walk away or get super upset. Neither of which are good reactions! Any advice would be appreciated.
Call it out. Askamanager.org has great tips on how to deal with people saying sexist/racist/generally offensive things at work, even if they aren’t targeted directly at you (also great tips on interviewing and job searching in general, especially if you are switching careers). Even a simple “Wow. <death stare, go on with day>” can work wonders. It is OK for a sexist asshole to think you are a bitch/feminazi, and if he calls you one behind your back, any coworker worth their salt will think worse of him for it.
When you go on interviews, make clear that diversity and employers that value diversity MATTER to you. It might mean you don’t get a job, but if a job doesn’t want to hire you because you said, “I’ve noticed [IT/startups/etc.] can have a very homogeneous culture; what steps does your organization take to promote diversity and ensure a variety of views are expressed in the office?” trust me, you don’t want to work there. If they get to check off the diversity box for hiring you (because they will, and they WILL brag about it), they need to earn it.
Every day, you will deal with the nagging feeling that your co-worker would have phrased that request differently if you were a man. Every day, you will get asked to do something an admin assistant would do (and you will do it, once, and email them and say, “This is how I did it, in case I’m not around next time! :)”). When you find a male programmer who is awesome and you become best work buds, ask him how much money he makes. Make sure you make as much. Kick ass at your job and be vocal about how kick ass you are and getting treated the way every woman in IT deserves to be treated–the more vocal you are, the less anyone will believe sexist dicks who say they can’t work with you because your code is shitty.
Also, FYI my background is very similar to yours (started out as an admin in higher ed, am now an instructional technologist, didn’t have my first male supervisor until I was 27). Email me at [email protected] if you ever want to chat.
The coding groups idea sounds great!! My current workplace offers tuition remission and I found some community colleges that have an evening CS associates program. It takes more time than a certificate but it’s covered under my tuition remission thing so it’s free. I’ll have to check with my union to see whether certificates count (I think some do but not all so it’s a little trickier).
It’s good to know about the projects thing! My goal was, once I get some more experience and build a few things for my self, to look on idealist.org and see if any nonprofits are looking for volunteer web design help. That way I can make a more well rounded portfolio. Thanks so much for the tips.
I have two lady friends who made similar transitions, and basically rather than getting a new degree they just studied their butts off and took a bunch of certification tests for programming languages etc., which is a lot more important in that field than degrees, and can get you in the door for an entry level position w/o previous experience.
It’s good to know that this is a thing, and not just something I convinced myself would work for me! Right now I’m focusing on learning the languages that I see pop up in a lot of job descriptions I’ve been looking at (Ruby is one that I’ve seen a lot that an owl in daylight mentioned above) and then I’ll try to work outward from there. Thanks!
I am not a lady programmer, but I am the daughter of two programmers and the partner of another, so here’s what I remember from the advice I wrangled out of my husband the last time someone had this question:
Code Academy is good. Stack Exchange and Stack Overflow are good resources if you have questions or are trying to figure things out. At my husband’s company, personal projects are a big deal- it says what you’re interested in in your free time, and that you’re interested enough in coding to do it in your free time. They do a google-style hiring process where they ask coding questions in interviews- I know you can find examples of these online, so when you get further down the road I’d strongly suggest finding the biggest asshole you know and having them ask those sorts of questions (because that’s probably who’s doing the interviews)
Web development- front end or back end? If you’re more interested in back-end, Java is probably a good bet as one of the languages you should pick up.
This is the end of my basic knowledge, but I am always happy to pester my husband (since he’s the web guy) or my mom (she does enterprise database stuff) for more answers to your questions. You can also email me at [email protected]. I may not be a programmer, but I strongly believe there should be more lady programmers and I am all about helping!
This link may also be of interest- someone with a similar question on Hacker News: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=6705517
I’m trying to do the same thing! And I also have a liberal arts background and an admin job. Right now I’m taking online/evening community college classes that will qualify me for a graduate certificate program in CS. There’s also a master’s program I could do while working full-time, but I’m not sure it’s worth the debt (and I’d have to do it in addition to the certificate, which serves as a prerequisite, so it would be extra debt). If anyone has advice on the long-term value of certificates vs. traditional degrees in computer science, I’m all ears.
As for the sexism, that’s something I worry about, too. I work in a very male dominated environment now…it’s not great.
Lady programmer here! Not as my current full-time job, but I do get paid to write code (and I mostly do web stuff). It’s very, very do-able to get into web development and other coding fields even when that’s not your main education background (I majored in English Lit). Others have already given great advice upthread, but I wanted to say a couple of specific things about classes I think would be useful for you and about dealing with sexism in the tech industry.
Classes to take: a general Intro to Computer Science course is going to be really useful for you. Just about every programming/scripting/markup language is built on the same fundamental principles, and you’ll get a good overview of those principles in a basic intro course. If you can get tuition remission to take an undergrad intro to CS class where you work, that would be a great place to start. You can start adding languages once you have that foundation–Python or Ruby will be useful, PHP or Javascript will be essential, HTML and CSS will be your bread and butter, SQL will be necessary if you’re interacting with databases. Python/Ruby will probably be the hardest to learn, so I’d start with one of those, and then everything else will seem like a snap, it’ll be great.
Sexism in tech: the nice thing about wanting to go into web development is that you have the option of working in a tech job at a non-tech company, if you want, which will get you away from the worst of the bro-heavy tech culture. Lots of kinds of organizations need people to run their web stuff, so there’s a pretty wide range of places you could work as a web developer, which makes it easier to find a supportive workplace.
I’m on twitter as hurdy_burdy, and I can send you a direct message with my email address if you want to talk more! I’m always happy to see more women wanting to get involved in tech, so please pester me with endless questions, it would bring me joy. That goes for any other ladies with similar questions. COME AT ME
Hey Toasties!
JUST IN CASE there is anyone here who did not come from the Hairpin and is in the greater Boston area, I wanted to officially invite you to our Facebook group! https://www.facebook.com/groups/491140164297275/ We’re planning something for the next couple of weeks, so, you know, Nicole and Mallory won’t be there, but it will be fun anyway?
YES. I am going to try REALLY HARD to make it to this one! Because I miss everybody’s faces!
YAY! Feel free to agitate for a location that is convenient for you.
Yay! I will try to make it too, although my calendar for the next several weeks is a veritable shitstorm. Literally. Poop raining down from the sky.
I hope someone reads this down here! Can anyone recommend a non-crazy internet community for pregnancy (or, in my current position, trying to get pregnant.) I don’t have anyone in real life I can talk to about it and I’m hoping there’s a toast-equivalent somewhere out there!
I haven’t found one, but I’ll be happy to talk to you about baby stuff if you want. None of my friends have kids or want to have kids, so I’ve been posting too many pregnancy related things on the-toast.
Oh man, as soon as I have anything concrete to report I will take you up on the offer 😉 We have only been ‘trying’ for a pretty short time so it’s mostly just vague anxiety at this point!
I can tell you that when we first started trying, I was very casually like, “Oh, I’ll just get off birth control and whatever happens happens, la la la,” which lasted for exactly one month. Then I bought an ovulation test, and for the next two months it told me I didn’t ovulate. I FREAKED OUT; I’m naturally a pretty anxious person.
Then the fourth month I bought a $50 ovulation test which didn’t work and just kept giving me question marks (error) instead of a yes or no, like the package said. I returned that bitch and then apparently did ovulate because that’s when I got knocked up.
I was on birth control for 10 years, so it makes sense that it took awhile for that to work it’s way out of my system, and sometimes it takes people a full year to get pregnant after they start trying even when nothing is wrong, so try to save the anxiety for later. Me telling you that won’t make you less anxious though probably.
Yeah, I am not even trying to pretend I’m not anxious about it. I actually had my IUD removed several months ago because t just didn’t work for me and have been half-heartedly charting my cycles since then because I have a friend who is REALLY into fertility awareness, and I’ve always been the kind of nerd who likes having a lot of data. I’m not generally a type-A person but when my husband suggested “just seeing what happens” I immediately started showing him my calendar of when I ovulate and… well… he just thinks I’m nuts. 😉
I know this is really TMI, but it’s the sort of thing that might have been soothing if I had been able to internalize it while I was trying to conceive. We tried for 7 months (7!). I was self-consciously not freaking out, and not temperature charting, because all the experts say to try for 12 before getting concerned, but, but, but . . . But in the end, we conceived the old fashioned way, with lots of sex, just like the experts said. So, yeah, even if you can’t ACTUALLY be chill about it, they are still probably right.
I should add that while I am perfectly healthy, we do actually have some health concerns about my husband so if we are going to need any kind of extra testing or help, I’d rather know about it SOON. I don’t want to wait a year!
Altdotlife is minimally crazy and I used it exclusively for calming my crazy and figuring out what’s worth being anxious about. You have to register to see any good stuff, so there’s at least a veil of privacy. And no sparkly countdown animated signatures.
Guy Fawkes has been and gone and still I have not built a fire this year. I did wave around sparklers and decry the vicious Catholics, though, so that’s something.
Really London is the greyest I’ve ever looked, and I miss my mum, and I feel guilty for hating Skype, and my therapist was quite horrible to me, and hello, thank God it’s Friday, there will be wine and hummus and cheese and toffee-apple crumble, and candles, which will have to do in place of a fire. How are you?
I like endless amounts of delicious things in general until I am too full to eat them. Then their presence taunts me so, so much.
This week we had city council elections in Detroit, and the race I was really invested in (time, money, energy) we won! I helped elect the first Hispanic councilperson EVER, who happens to be a woman, only 32 and a BAMF. I also got to vanquish my nemesis, a vile misogynist who’ve I’ve been beefing with for years, who was running against her. VENGEANCE IS MINE.
felicidades!
YAY! That’s so exciting!
Guuuys there are so many good things to read on the internet today (here, and elsewhere!) and now there’s the open thread and I want to read everything and comment comment comment but I actually have a crap ton of work to do today. 🙁
ALSO I just realized my self evaluation is due by the end of today and I haven’t started it yet. I guess I won’t give myself good marks for Planning Ahead. Oh man this is so unfair, I hate performance review time and I really hate having to do my own damn performance review.
Turns out that my peroneal nerve is completely dead and I need a tendon transfer to be able to walk normally again. A coworker thinks another surgery is good news, so I offered to break his knee to show him how it feels. This next one is surgery number 3 and guarantees that I’ll never play rugby again.
I’m planning on drinking all the wine this weekend and watching Thor.
Oh jeez, that is the worst. 🙁 I hope your wine is delicious.
D: to the never playing rugby again. How long have you been playing rugby?
I’ve been playing for 10 years. Well 8, not counting the past 2 years of injury. D:
Noooooo! I hope you find or are cultivating new passions in the interim! Is playing any sort of field sport an option for you post-surgery?
Toasties!
I’m looking for a new planner, and I’m thinking about getting an Erin Condren planner. What things do you do to organize your life?
I use a regular-sized moleskine (i know, i judge me, too). Someone far cleverer than I once posted on the internet that each page has 31 lines, so I put the month at the top and number the days down the left margin of the left page, and the opposite page i leave blank. that way i have a calendar wherever i need it (not all months are uniformly busy), and i can take notes/doodle in the places between and only cary one non-book book.
if i can figure out where the original article/a picture is, i’ll put up a link later.
Today has been surprisingly pleasant.
-I got to hold a coworker’s 2-month-old grandson who wouldn’t stop smiling at me.
-I ran into a good friend on the street who I haven’t seen in ages.
-I bought a pair of fleece-lined leggings on my lunch hour.
-It’s super sunny outside and I feel more energized than I have in weeks.
If there are any Toasties in the Nashville area, we are trying to schedule a meetup (via the Hairpin Pin-Up google group)! Come join us!
I need advice. I am currently staying home with the MiniCube rather than working (this will change, bit it hasn’t yet). Mr Cube works 10+ hours a day, so I am obviously a little burnt out on infants by the time he gets home. And yet, he still insists that he needs time where he “doesn’t have to worry about baby cries”. I have tried pointing out that he has over ten hours a day that he doesn’t have to worry about a crying baby, to which he always retorts that he’s still at work and therefore it doesn’t count. I really do understand the need for alone time, but how do I keep from having a rage stroke when he takes for granted that he lives in Adult Land all day and I do not? I cope with MiniCube just fine, but he’s really driving me to the edge.
I had a mini rage stroke just reading your comment, so clearly I have no advice for you…
So I’ve sort of been in MrCube’s position, except instead of staying home with a baby my boyfriend was at home applying for jobs and the baby was the dirty laundry on the floor. So my response may not be helpful! But anyway I was being kind of a bitch because I was tired of being at my crappy job for 10 hours and then would notice the one thing that was bugging me (and ignore all the hard work he’d done during the day). But MrCube is being kind of an ass (just like I was) because a baby is a full time job that, I would argue, is probably more difficult than a regular job.
Anyway, what worked for me, and what I would suggest is to sit down and have a talk with him (without the baby, maybe hand it off to a friend for an hour if you can) and give him like 5 minutes to vent about his feelings and his job. Then explain how taking care of the baby all day is extremely stressful for you and how it’s just as demanding (if not moreso) as his job. And let him know that his attitude is dismissive of your efforts at home, and it’s not fair for him to act like his job is more important just because he gets paid for it. And how you feel it will benefit both of you if he had some time with the baby and if you had some time to have a break from taking care of something that needs to be kept alive all day long.
Then what I would suggest is that every day when he comes home he goes straight to the bathroom and takes a 15-30 minute shower. He has those 15-30 minutes to have quiet time inside the shower. Once he comes out the baby gets dropped in his hands and the baby is his responsibility because you are going to take a shower and have an hour or so to yourself. Then you should find something relaxing to do together with the baby so you can unwind. For me and mr narwhal it was watching tv and snuggling on the couch. For you it might be playing games with the baby or eating dinner together or something. But find something loving and caring that has nothing to do with chores or work that you can do together to unwind and bond. I hope this helps a little!
Oh this is incredibly helpful. I really like this advice. The catch is getting Mr Cube to listen, but I’m game! I will try it!
I think this is really hard because you’re BOTH working harder than you ever have before and you probably both need more appreciation and breaks. Is there a way that you could build in time on the weekends where, say, he covers things for a couple hours so you can have some me time, and then you cover things for a couple hours?
I agree, we are both working super hard, and we try to take over for a couple hours so the other one can run errands or whatever as often as possible. It just doesn’t seem like it’s enough a lot of times.
Earlier this week I was in Portland visiting a special friend with benefits but also great conversations, and now my apartment (and particularly my bed) feels very empty. Can anyone recommend some fun music I should check out to perk myself up? I mostly listen to hip hop or indie pop.
In other news, I WALKED to work this morning with a friend! It is a 5 mi+ walk that she is going to try to do often. She is crazy.
Do you listen to the 1975?
No. Should I?
They are peppy Brit indie pop – you might like them!
I chipped my front tooth, because my gf tickled me while we were watching netflix in bed, and I threw my computer at my face in reaction.
that’s love
I really feel like making baked goods, and making a lot so I can share with my roommates. I think they’d like that. The only thing is, they’re all vegan or vegetarian, so I would have to do vegan baking? Which as a non-vegan I’ve never bothered with? What I’m getting at is do you have any vegan baked goods recipes that you’ve tried and know aren’t awful?
I’ve tried making the oreo/chocolate vegan cupcake from “Vegan Cupcakes Take Over the World” and it is quite fabulous.
Wow those look great!
They’re pretty delicious to boot. I made them once in grad school for classmates.. there were vegetarians and kosher-observant people at a party, and I started getting dizzy thinking about the latter so opted for vegan cupcakes instead.
http://www.yourveganmom.com/your_vegan_mom/2009/0…
I’ve made these a couple times and can couch for their tastiness!
These scones are amazing (and I generally speaking cannot bake for shit). Don’t think any commonly available chocolate peanut butter cups are dairy-free but you could just use dark chocolate instead or any number of other things. I also use vanilla almond milk instead of soy: http://thebillfold.com/2012/06/cheap-eats-chocola…
Does anyone have any amazing tips for job interviews? I desperately want this new job, and I desperately hate my current job. So…how do I rid myself of the stink of desperation, is what I’m asking. And how do you guys handle those horrible generic interview questions (name a time when you had a challenge to face, what are your weaknesses, etc.)? I always fumble those terribly.
Have you taken a look at askamanger.com? She has an amaaaazing interview guide (including a list of most commonly asked questions) that was incredibly helpful to me when I was applying for jobs. That way you can practice them and get your chosen answers set before they ask. Also, as for hating your job my #1 tip is to make a list of the positive things (if there are no positive things, twist stuff to make it a positive) and focus on that. And when they ask why you’re leaving your current job just talk all about the new positive things this new job will bring (which you can tie into why you’d be good for them) and don’t really mention the negatives that caused you to leave your current job.
This response is going to make me sound like a career counselor robot, but I don’t care because I think this works!
Know the company/organization you’re interviewing with, know the position that you’re interviewing for, and know your resume. Go through the job posting again. For every qualification/requirement/job duty they list, connect it a previous job you’ve held (or volunteer experience, or life experience). A lot of the generic interview questions will be rooted in actual job duties and qualifications they’ll want you to have, so think about times in your past life that you’ve had to multi-task, take charge of a project, problem-solve, etc.
Also, during the interview, it’s okay to pause before answering the question to think about your answer. You’ll appear thoughtful (because you are!) and you’ll be able to really consider the question and come up with the right answer.
Finally, always ALWAYS answer the question that they ask. Even if the answer is “I don’t know”. Don’t dance around the question or ramble on about something unrelated.
Also seriously prepare for the generic questions. Think about what story you want to tell about yourself with your challenge, or recent success, or whatever.
This! This! Prepare for the generic questions. During my job search, I had a word doc where I wrote down all of my answers to these types of questions. And then practice them out loud to yourself, if it helps. It’s what I did so the answers came more naturally! Good luck!!
Wrie up a couple of narratives about previous situations and memorize them, and then when you get a “tell us about a time when…” questions, choose whichever one is closest (because “challenge to face” probably works with “problem solving” and “adapting to new situations” and maybe “leadership” or “conflict”). I usually do about five of them or so. The best thing about phone interviews is that I can print them out and have them next to me and read off of it like a script (which only works if you can read off of them but sound like you’re just really well spoken).
Oy, when you’re spending 9 hours driving an important person in your life to a detox facility, The Basketball Diaries OST is a poor choice of soundtrack.
I once had a cider flight. It involved seven ciders and I ended up in an unreasonable state for midday.
Haha, my office did a beer tasting/lunch at the Harpoon brewery in Boston a few months back. We all went back to the office pickled, and then had to do work/talk to customers. Good times.
I’m so late, which is perhaps a good thing because the world doesn’t probably need to read this whine, but: Ya’ll. This week has sucked. I’ve got a sore throat. The dog is sick, but not sick enough to dampen his insane enthusiasm for intense exercise. But most of all, I feel like the poster child for the troglodytes in comments sections who respond to every article about working mothers with: “Moms should stay home with their babies! Mothers make terrible employees!”
I’ve made dumb mistakes on almost every piece of work I’ve done this week (luckily I don’t engineer bridges, prescribe medication or do anything else life-or-death). It’s sleep deprivation. There should be a law that you get maternity leave until your baby sleeps through the goddamn night.
And even though my work is pretty family-friendly, I get this weird sense that while I was gone on maternity leave I was pretty much forgotten and am not feeling as mission-critical as before…. I can’t even pinpoint it really, and I work remotely so I may be projecting based on very little evidence, but I just get the sense of being less valued? Ugh, I don’t know. I feel really guilty about the dumb mistakes and am definitely betraying womankind as a whole by sucking at being a working mom.
Hey! You’ve got a lot on your plate right now, and you’re being really hard on yourself! You’re getting back into the rhythm of working, with the added complication of dealing with a baby, I think it’s pretty normal that you’ve made a few mistakes. You’re not betraying anybody! I bet the people you work with understand. I hope you get a good night sleep soon!
Toasties! My week has been…kind of mind-boggling. Two people in my work group are leaving my company, both for very different reasons (one because she got her dream job at a non-profit, the other because he…was asked to leave after an unpleasant incident). The upshot of all this is that I’ve been promoted, with new fancy executive title and higher salary. Whoo hoo!
The downshot of this is that there are a number of very stressed out, fairly traumatized people in my work group and I’ll be doing a lot of hand-holding and troop-rallying. The other downshot is that I won’t be able to spend as much time web surfing, and thus will be doing less commenting here. But I’ll be around and trying to catch up on Nicole and Mallory’s wisdom when I can.
Ahhhh I love wine flights! I wasn’t actually aware of what the term meant until embarrassingly recently, as I’d only ever had them when someone else ordered for me. (Because I am a child, apparently.) Anyway, the last time I had a flight was a few weeks ago with MY WIFE* in the small town where we got married – have I mention that I’m married now? I am – and it was all amazing and went perfectly with our massive spread of cheese and charcuterie and interesting crackers. I seriously miss working at my friend’s artisan cheese store. I’m going to have to beg her for some Christmas shifts or something, because cheese.
*I’m still in this phase: http://xkcd.com/684/
I discovered you guys this week and all I have to say is HOLLA!!!!!!!! I feel like I’m finally home. Also, texts from is the best.ever.ever. Happy Friday!
Mallory, when are we talking about The Summer Prince? I just got it from the library today — how much time do I have to read it?
you have until Thursday! But it’s a quick read, I promise.
Today marks the end of the 4th week of student teaching. 5 more to go. It’s going well so far, the school is one of the many under performing high schools in the district and a lot of the kids just do not give.a.shit.at.all. So I am trying to make them give shits about things.
Were any of you lovely toasties out there a kid who didn’t give a shit? What made you change your mind? Did you change your mind?
I wasn’t, but my mother taught them all the time and was great at it. I think the key things are: 1) try to make things interesting and hands-on; 2) be respectful to them as fellow people. #2 is the most important. My mother had kids with conviction records for crimes and kids working multiple jobs to support their families and kids whose parents didn’t let them go outdoors alone because they were afghani and female, all planting trees on earth day and doing science experiments with beaver dams and generally just eating out of her hand. with the tough/too-cool-for-school ones, i think it really was mainly that she spoke to them with respect for as long as was humanly possible, and that was such a huuuuge change from how other school authority types spoke to them that they loved her for it and did what she asked and tried to learn things. she projected an assumption that they were capable of things and an assumption that they were reasonable people with whom one could talk — that was the magic.
good luck!
I agree — I think you can say something blunt, short, and polite, and maybe should. That way you'll feel true to yourself and like you stood up for yourself, your values, and so on. But the key is short and simple, deadpan, and then MOVING ON. No expectations that she'll respond the way you want in the moment, or even agree with you. Just let her know and then leave the situation.
For me, it's more honest than saying nothing, and it's more respectful of the other person because they might want to know and to reflect, even change, who knows. It's treating them as an equal instead of expecting them not to be able to handle stuff. So I do it — I am in favor of making "confrontation" much less of a big deal and part of the ordinary course of life. But you need to say it and then go — no arguments, no explanations, no emotions, no expectations about how they receive what you say, and no vilifying them for not knowing better about xyz — just a blunt candid but respectful statement and then over-and-out.
yes, do whatever you want!
personally i had a secret courthouse wedding, just the two of us, and we loved it! obviously it's happy to include all your families and friends if you can (we couldn't — 3 out of our 4 parents are dead, and it just isn't the same without them) — but it did feel absolutely wonderful remaking the traditions the way we wanted to do them, and feeling totally free and united as a couple!
with my niece and nephew, I have just taken to laughing kindly but in a "you have to be kidding me" sort of way.
I also (gently) sometimes explain "that's not true." "Where did you get that idea?" in a totally unworried, calm, kind, "of course that's not true" kind of a way. That, and providing counterexamples (like Marie Curie and David Bowie) that are cool. But it's a phase — mine have mostly outgrown the phase. I think that making it clear you've never heard of such an outlandish idea and you don't endorse it — oh, how silly! — can be the way to go — no reason to let a little kid start telling YOU how the world works! 🙂
I wasn't, but my mother taught them all the time and was great at it. I think the key things are: 1) try to make things interesting and hands-on; 2) be respectful to them as fellow people. #2 is the most important. My mother had kids with conviction records for crimes and kids working multiple jobs to support their families and kids whose parents didn't let them go outdoors alone because they were afghani and female, all planting trees on earth day and doing science experiments with beaver dams and generally just eating out of her hand. with the tough/too-cool-for-school ones, i think it really was mainly that she spoke to them with respect for as long as was humanly possible, and that was such a huuuuge change from how other school authority types spoke to them that they loved her for it and did what she asked and tried to learn things. she projected an assumption that they were capable of things and an assumption that they were reasonable people with whom one could talk — that was the magic.
good luck!
High fives to your dad!