Previously, Mikaella Clements terrified Toast readers with If Gwyneth Paltrow Were Your Girlfriend. Most of the time I don't even think about it. It comes out, surprising me as much as it doesn't surprise my audience. I'll be rattling along, cheerfully enjoying myself and talking too much about The Iliad or Taylor Swift or how much I hate the British Problems meme, and then the conversation turns and suddenly my girlfriend, the prettiest girl in…

Previously in this series: If Prince Harry Were Your Boyfriend

If Gwyneth Paltrow were your girlfriend, doors would open for you a little quicker, you'd always have enough room on public transport, and black cats would jump out of your way. Dogs would howl when they saw you, but you never really liked dogs that much anyway.

If Gwyneth Paltrow were your girlfriend, you'd ask her, giggly and a little

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The night before I moved overseas, my friends and I went to the pub. We were there for about six hours and I don't remember much beyond a blur of yelling over each other, a lot of hysterical declarations of love. At one point some boys came up to try and hit on us and one of my friends looked up and said, cold and furious, "Our beloved is leaving

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