8. Turning into a possum and hiding underneath a construction site until you die of dehydration.

7. Looking at a dog, getting too distracted by the dog’s eyes (they look so human!) to update your portfolio.

6. Buying stocks that do not actually exist in your dreams, then running onto the exchange floor just before the closing bell, screaming “I AM THE TITAN OF SLEEP AND I DEMAND WHAT IS RIGHTFULLY MINE.”

5. Buying low, then forgetting to sell until long after your death, when the earth has been overrun by Morlocks, none of whom understand the value of money but who would gladly drag you with their long, clammy fingers into the dirt.

4. Taking investment advice from a friend who has been enchanted into a small, angry raven.

3. Watching the movie Trading Places and shouting “Buy! Buy!” at the man who plays Mortimer instead of actually placing an order through your broker, then writing threatening letters to Dan Akroyd.

2. Wearing the wrong bra size.

1. Making “emotional” decisions–for example, buying 10,000 shares of JC Penney because the first girl you ever loved was named Penny and died of ovarian cancer last year. You hadn’t spoken in years, but you locked yourself in your office when you saw the news on Facebook and sobbed.