8. Turning into a possum and hiding underneath a construction site until you die of dehydration.
7. Looking at a dog, getting too distracted by the dog’s eyes (they look so human!) to update your portfolio.
6. Buying stocks that do not actually exist in your dreams, then running onto the exchange floor just before the closing bell, screaming “I AM THE TITAN OF SLEEP AND I DEMAND WHAT IS RIGHTFULLY MINE.”
5. Buying low, then forgetting to sell until long after your death, when the earth has been overrun by Morlocks, none of whom understand the value of money but who would gladly drag you with their long, clammy fingers into the dirt.
4. Taking investment advice from a friend who has been enchanted into a small, angry raven.
3. Watching the movie Trading Places and shouting “Buy! Buy!” at the man who plays Mortimer instead of actually placing an order through your broker, then writing threatening letters to Dan Akroyd.
2. Wearing the wrong bra size.
1. Making “emotional” decisions–for example, buying 10,000 shares of JC Penney because the first girl you ever loved was named Penny and died of ovarian cancer last year. You hadn’t spoken in years, but you locked yourself in your office when you saw the news on Facebook and sobbed.
Tags: common investment mistakes, dreams, financial advice, finding the right bra size, portfolios, stocks
These make as much sense to me as any stock tips I’ve ever seen. Possibly more sense, to be honest.
I’ll take 10,000 shares in The Toast – can I pay you in toast scraps?
*clicking all the ads, clicking the ads, leaving the ads pages open in another tab, click more ads*
9. Trying to buy stocks with Monopoly money.
9. Trying to buy stocks with Monopoly money.
10. Assuming you’re doing the stock market right simply by wearing a blue shirt with a white collar, and some snappy red suspenders.
…yeeeeahhhh did you get that memo? I’m pretty sure that’s the uniform for talking about TPS reports.
Ahahahaa, you’re right. I was thinking of this here gentleman. Does he even do stock things? THIS IS WHY I CAN’T DO STOCK THINGS.
11. Being Lizardjellybean.
Haha, that too! I can’t do stock things either. My dad’s doing stock things now that he’s retired (it’s basically his new job). I could give him money to invest for me if I had any.
11. Bitcoin.
I just realized that my most beloved personal finance book was written by THE Elizabeth Warren. If you’re interested, this book has been my money bible since it was first published: All Your Worth.
Are ladies even allowed to do the stock market? Are they even allowed to become possums? If I become a day trader (or whatever) can I work from home and never wear a bra or brush my teeth at an allotted time again?
I once dog sat a dog with the bluest eyes. Like, I wanted to write some poems that compared this dog’s eyes to bodies of water. If that dog were in my life regularly, I would not accomplish ANYTHING let alone whatever “updating my portfolio” is.
What I’m saying is that I am SUCH a #7
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