The Stages of Accepting That Go Ask Alice Wasn’t Real -The Toast

Oh my God. This was made up? This was MADE UP? I thought this was a real girl. I THOUGHT THIS COULD HAPPEN TO ME. I thought this was real?

Okay, but how made up was this? “Edited” made up or “fiction” made up?

HER NAME WASN’T EVEN ALICE?

I think I heard about this once, maybe. I think maybe I heard about this a while back, but it just got absorbed into my consciousness through some sort of awareness osmosis. I didn’t learn and understand what it meant.

Did everyone else know about this? Why wasn’t there a huge story, when this came out? Why wasn’t this a Shattered Glass-style scandal?

“It’s a good thing most people bleed on the inside or this would be a gory, blood-smeared earth.” I can’t believe that girl isn’t dead. I can’t believe she wasn’t even real. The ending was so scary. She died, but she isn’t even dead.

Oh my God, does this mean that LSD doesn’t stay in your spinal fluid for years, just waiting for the chance to seep out and suddenly send your staid, respectable 42-year-old self tripping into a poison Candyland? Was that a lie?

Oh my God, there’s a list of list of misconceptions about illegal drugs on Wikipedia. I mean, of course there is, but thank God.

Was The Face on the Milk Carton fiction?

WHY WOULD SHE LIE ABOUT THIS I THOUGHT IT WAS REAL, I WAS SO SCARED THE FIRST TIME I SMOKED WEED. I was cold to so many cool girls with bicep tattoos because I was afraid of being seduced into a life of topless heroin bartending. I could have had more cool friends with bicep tattoos.

They made Go Ask Alice into a movie?

I have to see this movie.

More like Go Ask Alice Why She’s Such A Liar, BEATRICE.

Has everyone done cocaine but me? Is anyone else lying about using cocaine because some people act like it’s super normal to have done it a bunch? It’s not that normal, right?

Regina Morrow tried cocaine and she died. That happens. That’s real. It doesn’t happen a lot, but it happens to some people.

[Reads entire list of misconceptions] Oh my God, I don’t know anything about drugs. Literally everyone is stuffing their faces full of drugs all the time and I’ve never noticed. Is someone near me on drugs right now? How would I even know? I don’t know anything about drugs.

Paul F. Tompkins did a whole standup routine about how fake this book is. Everyone in the whole world knew before I did. Everyone else in the world knew and they’re doing cocaine and I don’t even know it and they’re laughing at me.

It’s way too late to do more drugs now. That ship has sailed.

I’m so glad those kids weren’t real. They were horrible. They kept slipping not-Alice LSD when she wasn’t looking in her soda and her peanut butter sandwiches and I was so scared of them and now there’s nothing to be scared of anymore.

She wrote other fake journals? How could she get away with this? Why isn’t she…sued, or in jail, or something?

I have to read these other fake journals.