The ruins of the Tormented Necropolis were charred and smoking. The limp, motionless bodies of the Quicksilver Companions littered the landscape, bristling with arrows, many of which were being methodically and efficiently removed by the Night Dwarves. Each arrow gave up its place in their flesh reluctantly with a loud thunk.
The Night Dwarves never wasted anything.
Medrun sank gratefully to the ground and pulled off the Gauntlets of the Veil. It was over. They had won. “Thank the Legless Gods,” Medrun whispered into the dirt. “Thanks be to the Legless Gods, and to the Leg-Armed Gods who stole their Legs in the first place, for our deliverance from the Seething Hordes.”
Medrun’s companions gave a ragged, boisterous cheer. The grace of the land would come back. The people would return, slowly at first, but then trickling in from the Cloistered Wastes in greater numbers by the day, until the valleys and the canyons sang once again with the sound of bellsmithery and children playing. The people would return, and the land would flourish.
Medrun gave a brief twinge at the memory of the skinthieves at the Altar of Ennoblement. It would be a long time before Medrun would forget that day, or the skin they took.
Ror’foin came up from behind and clapped Medrun on the back. “Think no more on the skinthieves, lad,” he said. “You have that distant look in your eyes. Today is not a day for sorrow, or remembrance. Tomorrow we will bury the dead. Tomorrow we will mourn. But tonight we feast. Tonight we light a fire that will rival the fires of the triple Hells. Take off your helmet at last, and rest.”
Medrun swayed in relief. To remove the helmet…It had been so long. They had fought, and winnowed, and lied, and hatched, and swarmed, and burrowed, and hacked for so long now. What would be left underneath?
But Ror’foin was right. The time for the helmet had passed. Surely all could be revealed now.
Medrun gingerly lifted the helmet up and saw Ror’foin’s eyes go black with shock and amazement as her curls spilled free.
“A female gamer…” he stammered hoarsely. Medrun managed a smile.
“I could not tell you before,” she said, “for fear of being left behind, but know this: the Medrun who fought beside you at the Waterfalls of Blood — the Medrun who saved you from the lovers of the dead who crawled in the darkling wastes of the Forgotten Catacombs — is a woman.”
“And,” she added bravely, “a woman who loves you.” She dared not look up for a minute. There was silence.
“What have you done,” Ror’foin whispered in horror. Medrun looked up, and saw fear blazing across his countenance.
“I–” she stammered. “I thought you would not accept me if I traveled with you in my true form. I knew I could prove myself. I knew I would not be a burden–”
“You fool,” he whispered hoarsely. “You beautiful, brave, idiot fool. Thought you we forswore female gamers from our band because we think women cannot fight? That it was a choice we made for our own convenience?”
Medrun nodded dumbly. “I thought–I thought perhaps you simply did not know the strength of women. Or that you just wanted to…do guy stuff,” she finished lamely.
“I have seen the strength of women,” Ror’foin growled. “I have seen it and been succored by it many a time. This band is for male gamers only because for a woman to set foot in the Necropolis means certain death.”
“No,” Medrun whispered. “No.”
“Have you not heard the prophecy? ‘When woman foot of woman born/Makes tracks upon the Lands of Thorn/The Priestess of the Dead shall wake/And all the living slaves she’ll make.”
“That is but a children’s rhyme,” Medrun said. “A lullaby told by fathers to their children to keep them in their beds a’night.”
Ror’foin shook his head sorrowfully and pointed to the strange, unwavering light that had already appeared on the horizon. “Lass, lass. You have signed our everlasting fate. It was to save the world entire that we asked for male gamers only. It was to save you that we asked for only men. Now we cannot even hope for death.”
By now the surviving Night Dwarves and Companions had noticed the light too. The ground felt eerily cool. The pillars and the columns of the Necropolis took on a pearl-blue sheen and began to hum at a violent volume and frequency that put Medrun in mind of a thousand bees glommed onto a tree on a hot summer’s day. A scream went up from the Dwarves. “The prophecy! A woman! The prophecy! A female gamer is among us! We are lost”
Medrun felt her face grow hard. “And there is nothing to be done? What if I were to leave this land–or fall upon my own sword? Would it slake the bloodthirst of the Priestess?”
Ror’foin looked at her. There was no fear left in his face, only infinite sadness and compassion. “No,” he said. “No, there is no sacrifice that you can make now. No hero can save us, male or female gamer though it may be. Soon the Priestess will be here, and we will be her undying corpse-slaves. She will call upon the eldest bones, and the watchtowers of the deep will froth up from the murdered oceans, and the world will drown under her mad rule.”
Medrun sat down heavily. “Then we are lost, and the fault is mine. Had I but let the male gamers take on the quest of Wartune, we might all live in the hope of an honest death and rest thereafter.”
Ror’foin sat down beside her. The camp was now frantic with activity, as men and dwarves and Half-Wastlings either fled in a vain attempt to save themselves, or took up their swords to make a valiant, desperate, useless final stand. There was screaming in every direction; then total silence, although Medrun could still see their lips moving.
“Then we will be lost together,” Ror’foin said. “You and I, female gamer. Let us face our undeath together, while we still live.”
He took her hand, and his eyes were wet with tears.
“Would that we had had more time,” Medrun said. “Would that I had heeded the prophecy, and never joined this band of male gamers.”
“Do not speak now, Medrun,” Ror’foin said. “Let us hold each other, and wait.” She held him.
The light grew steadily brighter on the horizon, and he buried his face in her chest. Medrun breathed deeply.
Tags: fantasy, fiction, gaming, male gamers only, some of these things are made up but some of them are really in the game, wartune, we keep killing that ad but it keeps coming back
At the risk of outing myself as a gif mark http://youtu.be/xi_ieNt9cZA
Garrus romance is best. “Hey, we’re really good friends – we should have casual sex!” “Okay!” “Are you sure you’re comfortable with this?” “Yes. Also, I like you.” “Cool!” *HIGH FIVES!*
It is weird that I found that touching? Was I supposed to have Feelings?
and to the Leg-Armed Gods who stole their Legs in the first place
*hehehehehehehe*
that was my favourite part and my exact reaction
This just made my entire day, which really needed making.
I can’t even with the videogames anymore. I pretty much only stick to abstract games without people now – Osmos and Audiosurf and such. ME was the last thing with humans I could stand. Here’s hoping the new Torment is more ME and less Witcher (ugh).
Also, “woman foot of woman born”. Teehee!
When The Witcher first came out I made a joke about how it meant that he just went around fucking witches, AND THEN IT TURNED OUT TO BE TRUE.
The Witcher is a very serious and mature adult game! You know because there is lots of nudity! Only female nudity, mind you. It would be ridiculous for our male lead to take his pants off during sex!
The Witcher: gaming’s first serious exploration of the challenges facing Never-Nudes.
Could do without ME as well, IMO. The original Torment was quite clever in this regard, at least where Falls-From-Grace was concerned.
Now I want to go back and play some of the original Black Isle games. Fallout 2 was the only game I remember that actually simulated patriarchy, to a limited extent.
As far as I’m concerned you can play ME as Shepard, or if you want to be weird and have a worse story experience you can play manShep. Anyway, it usually went pretty well, but the worst part was in the first one – generic male-shaped blob Kaiden tried to hit on me, and I tried to politely decline, and he/the game was all “playing hard to get eh?” and I kept trying to pick the “no thanks” option and the game kept interpreting it as flirting and gaaaah! I never bothered with any romance in the rest of the series after that. So yeah, far from ideal.
It’s been a long while since I played Torment, but I do remember thinking that all the staff at the “Brothel of Intellectual Delights” looked like they could just as well be in a regular brothel, and I found that a bit odd. You’d think a bunch of people selected for their skill at badinage wouldn’t also ALL look like 80s pinups. But there’s a good mix of writers on the new one, and that makes me hopeful.
Garrus romance is best. “Hey, we’re really good friends – we should have casual sex!” “Okay!” “Are you sure you’re comfortable with this?” “Yes. Also, I like you.” “Cool!” *HIGH FIVES!*
And then Mordin totally fucks with you about how turian sex works.
This isn’t at all relevant to the conversation, but Mordin Solus is my absolute favorite video game character of all time, so I just feel the need to make some excited squeeing noises at the mention of his name.
(He should have been a romance option. No, I don’t care that he’s salarian, we’ll work something out. There. Now it’s relevant.)
!!! I thought I was the only one who called him manShep!
I’m gonna go ahead and recommend Saints Row 4. It’s like Grand Theft Auto. Except you can be a woman. Cis or trans. Of any race or skin color (literally – you can be bright blue). Who is skinny or fat or muscular or old and straight or gay or bi or pansexual. And you don’t need to steal cars, because you have superpowers and you can fly and throw things with your mind. And there are aliens. Also, you are the President of the United States of America.
It’s fucking hilarious, and joyful, and the most surprisingly inclusive game I’ve played in the past few years. (Also, it liberally parodies Mass Effect.)
I did play Saints Row 2! It was much anarchic fun but the bougie inside me kept feeling bad for committing crimes, even property crimes. So it’s good to know you can just be all “superpowers!” about things in 4. Soon as grant application season is over I’ll be picking it up (instead of GTA V, which, no). Thanks!
Yaaaay! The other thing about SR4 is that (mild spoilers from the first hour of the game?) most of it takes place inside a computer simulation. So all of the civilians you run over / explode / kill via dubstep are just code. It completely removed any lingering sense of guilt I had about UNRESTRAINED MAYHEM.
Oh man, this sounds absolutely incredible. Once I finish replaying Okami this is definitely the next on the list.
Oh thank Christ I didn’t have to do it. Gay sex with Kinsie for the winnnnn.
I’ve been an enormous (wickedness) fan of SR for years, since 3, when it started to be about video games and also amazing.
My Boss totally did it with every single member of her crew. Including the hover droid. Except for Keith David. 🙁
Is this true for the new Saints Row or just for 2?
It’s not quite as wonderfully free-wheeling as the SR2 character creator (which had a gender slider instead of a male/female binary choice, for heaven’s sake!). You alas have to choose a male or female starting body. You can still mix and match gendered voices, wear whatever facial hair and clothing you like, and choose a wide variety of body types, though.
Actually, technically, if you play Saints Row as a woman, you are trans since the original character was male only. They make a brief comment about it in SR2 if you play as a woman.
Laughing but also seething, because FUCK YOU AND YOUR “MALE GAMERS ONLY” MENTALITY YOU FUCKING FUCKS
Patch Notes: For every sexist comment a woman hears while playing a game, she gains a permanent +50 to her main stat and a free cast of Firebreathing that does damage equal to commenter’s hit points. Commenter takes 75% durability damage to all items in his possession, both equipped and non-equipped. After resurrecting, commenter shall lose 5% of his health every 3 seconds for 5 minutes to persisting flames from Firebreathing; this damage cannot be mitigated, avoided, or removed by any means, including immersion in water. If commenter makes three sexist comments, female target is permitted to possess commenter as her minion indefinitely or until she tires of him. These rules shall also apply to all nonwhite gamers who encounter racist commentary, and all LGBTQ gamers who hear homophobic, transphobic, or other fuckwitted commentary.
marry me
I think we need to know which things are really in the game. For science.
I was momentarily confused by seeing this title in my RSS reader, since the most excellent RockPaperShotgun had an article on this very topic JUST YESTERDAY.
Apparently it’s a shitty knockoff RPG/RTS game with, um, farming sim elements. Very few boobies. Unlike Scarlet Blade, which actually is as horrific as it looks.
Yeah, I think I remember reading something a while ago “debunking” these games as having nary a bosomy elf in sight. So, gross AND misleading – right on!
I didn’t realize this was a real game until I read the tags and then googled the game title. What? WHAT?
Oh that’s just disturbing (she said understated-ly).
The Necropolis and the Altar are both elements of the game!
Is the Necropolis truly Tormented?
I didn’t expect to start my “nominate this for Yuletide next year” list to start so soon.
Maybe we should just do The Toast as a whole. Characters can include Medrun and Ror’foin, the Weight Watchers…
The Bachelorette Party Email Ladies.
By Maybe you mean “The Toast is now entered as its own category into fanon, please expect panel on the intersection of fandom of human writer individuals as versus their creations at next year’s Wiscon.”
My ads are like 85% in Dutch. Right now I’ve got one trying to recruit me into the Dutch army or airforce or something.
I arranged it that way specifically for you. Your mom and I talked and we agree you need more pancakes and discipline in your life.
“You FOOL! This game! It is too hot for a male gamer to handle! Your friends shall never be seeing you again! AAaahahahahahhaha!”
*Pulls off helmet*
“I AM NO MALE GAMER.”
I had no idea how much I was missing, just by having an ad-blocker on my browser! And by that I mean I think this site is great, and I click on all the ads because what do you think I am, a freeloader?
You are dead to me.
I… actually do click on the links on purpose. I click on five links per day and then promptly close the windows down because I think only the initial click matters– is that right? Am I correctly channeling sponsor dollars to the Cause of The Toast, as I intend?
You can have tea with milk.
Wait wait wait – this is a REAL game??
OMFGBLARGBLARRGH
The answer is always yes.
Surely there’s some kind of conspiracy at the ad place to keep the ridiculous “boys only neener neener” game ads on the site where tags like “kill your male mentors” and “blame the penises” are a constant thing. Surely. *theorizes*
This is the sort of misunderstanding that could easily have been avoided with a little communication beforehand.
Truly was your name aptly given.
You realize that the contextual ad bots are going to scan this, right? There’s going to be an outbreak and I have to spend the day playing whack-a-mole?
Oh that was your plan all along?
Carry on then.
Right now I’m getting an ad with a cat in a space suit, which is RIDICULOUS because everyone knows my avatar is a DOG in a space suit. I demand this be fixed.
I demand you be fixed.
Nicotine and cell phone radiation are way ahead of you, buddy.
“hey, it didn’t hurt that time!”
I expected Ror’foin to take off his helmet and reveal he was also a woman, leading to some great femslash (on a Tuesday, even!).
I just saw the ad for this game Sunday on Oglaf. Luckily, nothing can ruin Oglaf for me, because it is perfect always and forever.
So it’s a game where dudes sit around with a bunch of other dudes and what? Dress up princesses?
Sounds super butch & macho to me.
I wish Mallory would write a fantasy novel. This and “The End of Men” are two of my favorite things on the internet.
I wake up at two am most nights terrified that Mallory will listen to people like you and quit to write a fantasy novel.
Sorry, I’ll shut up now.
There is a really cheesy sci-fi/fantasy writer trapped inside me, but this is all the outlet she needs.
And then Mordin totally fucks with you about how turian sex works.
Is this true for the new Saints Row or just for 2?
The answer is always yes.
XD
God dammit there’s a Wartune ad in the sidebar for this article 🙁 .
For the record, I’m a male. I find this ad completely baffling. It doesn’t appeal to me, it doesn’t make sense. It’s just weird and kinda offensive.
But it’s a good ad. Quick name another banner ad you even remember? Ha! See? But this one you remembered and you WROTE AN ARTICLE ABOUT WARTUNE.
Mission accomplished. Their PR department deserves a raise.
Hey there, our readers are getting a metric shitton of these male gamer only ads, and we can’t get rid of them either. (We blocked ALL video game ads on AdSense, even, they still show up.)
If you find a solution, please to let us know. If I get another angry email from a reader telling me that supporting this company makes me a bad feminist, my head is going to explode.
how do i play male gamers only i cant find the page
I'm sorry. I play Wartune, so my money has had a hand in distributing those ads across the internets. the ads and splash art are, without exception, aimed at the male gaze, but happily the game experience is more or less unobjectionable (you aren't _forced_ to dress your avatar in what amounts to lingerie or swimwear).
Anyways, I love what you folks do here at the Toast, and you Mallory, in particular, can write outrageous stories about any thing and I will feast on your words as if they were ambrosia and nectar.