Disclaimer: This post is sponsored by diet soda. Which one? Yes.

Are you drinking enough diet soda? A new study reveals the disturbing truth: No. you are not. Here, have a diet soda. Put some in your mouth, then swallow it when you’re done tasting it. Tastes good, right? Tastes like bubbles. It’s normal and good. Drink it however you want, fast or slow, as long as you drink it fast.

Studies show, diet soda? It’s real good for you. We gave some diet soda to a bunch of mice. Bunch of mice. Like fifteen. Want to know what happened to them? Great things. Normal things that were good too. See them all? Look how happy and normal they are. Normal eyes, normal face, normal mice. Normal from diet soda. Have another one! Another soda. Not a mouse. You can’t have the mice. We need them for more science.

Some people were real worried about the link between aspartame and cancer in lab rats. Well, don’t worry so much. We found out it was something else. Not aspartame. Different thing. Can’t remember the name offhand, but it was real different.

You want a diet soda? We’ve got some, if you want one. It’s real good for you. Full of soda diets. Mmmm.

What’s good? Diet soda. Drink it all the time. Are you drinking some right now? I am. This study shows you need a lot more if you want all your bones to stay in the same place. Your bones look so great. Have another diet soda. Are you worried about getting enough diet soda? Maybe you should be. If you don’t get enough, what will happen? Real bad is what.

“Public health officials are concerned about the consequences of consuming soft drinks, but these warnings definitely don’t matter for no-calorie sweeteners and diet soft drinks,” said the scientist. “Aspartame has been around a thousand years, maybe longer, and I’m still alive.” Thank you, scientist. Wave goodbye to the scientist. She’s going to go have her diet soda now, but she’ll be back later, still alive.

There’s a real opportunity here to bring people together to learn more about diet soda. Diet soda is a great way to not calories but still drink a lot of diet soda. You have questions about diet soda? Here, I wrote all your questions down. Get some facts. Take them home with you. Don’t take the mice, though. We still need them. What’s going to happen to you if you drink a lot of diet soda? Good, normal things. Have one right now. Normal eyes, normal face, diet soda.

[dont worry where this picture came from its none of your concern]