Previously in this series: How to tell if you’re in a Hemingway novel.
There’s a woman in the room that you trust about as far as you’d trust a snake. But like all snakes, she can be charmed.
Someone’s been shot with a gun. You’re not sure who did it, but you’re pretty sure that whoever it was had a gun with them.
You’re just drunk enough to tell the truth, and she’s just drunk enough to like it.
You don’t like what you see. But you’re going to look as far as you can; that’s why men have eyes instead of antennae.
Say, wait a minute, you.
You’re loudly criticizing a dangerous man, and he respects you for it.
You don’t believe her story or her money, but you believe those legs. All both of them, top to bottom, and any other direction they care to go in, too.
You’ve just been hit in the face. You wake up alone, in the dark. It was a lousy party anyhow; you were ready to leave. He just did you the favor of putting you to bed on the floor, fully dressed, in a stranger’s house.
You’re part of the darkness now, and the darkness is a part of you. Sunshine and a fresh shave can’t clean it off, and you know it. Razors are for other men’s throats, not for yours.
You were willing to love her, but she wanted you to love her more than you loved that first drink in the morning, and so she had to go.
Nobody’s going to knock you over, see? If someone’s getting knocked over, it sure as murder isn’t going to be you.
You live on the same street as Violence, just around the corner from Taking It Like A Man, and you’re not afraid to walk home alone.
You never kiss the women you trust, and vice versa.
Somewhere, a sap is playing the piano.
You wake up in Singapore. There’s a man in the bed next to you, but at least he’s dead, so you don’t have to worry about making small talk.
Tags: books, how to tell what novel you’re in, loving parodies, noir
I know nothing of the works of Dashiell Hammett, and now I must know everything.
Ditto to part 1; part 2, I think Mallory covered it with this distillation!
Well worth it. Enjoy! Also, if you haven’t seen the Thin Man movies (especially the original), please do! Classic, hilarious, and based on Hammett characters.
Two things:
1 – Murder by Death! I love this movie SO DAMN MUCH.
2- “You believe those legs. All both of them,” made me snort in my coffee.
3 – Please never stop being so perfect, The Toast. Okay, I know I promised two things, but I just get carried away sometimes.
Fellow Murder-By-Death-the-movie-NO-not-the-band fistbump!
I would also have accepted a screencap of Picard as Dixon Hill to accompany this story.
I would accept a screencap of Picard as Dixon Hill as currency in almost any situation.
For me is not so much. Maybe for her!
Dashiel Hammett and Lillian Hellman, forever, yes please, this is so great.
If I ever have to get a beard, I want his writing to be at least as fun as Hammett’s.
Do Orwell next!!!
“Everything is terrible. There is grace in it but it still sucks.”
“Your day is full of venial lies and grinding tasks that maintain your role in society but slowly wear away yourself. Your free time is devoted to tiny repetitive actions that disguise your growing poverty.”
“You can acknowledge the existence of a queer character in passing without taking time to get all weird about it.”
“If you’re getting weird about it you may be a Chandler novel.”
Oh man, is it just me or should the “loving parodies” tag bring up so many more Toast pieces than just this one?
They are so perfect, they must be inspired by a divine muse. I try not to be greedy when it comes to divine muses.
There are, like, SIX separate mysteries, but they don’t overlap at all. Just one after another, and you solve them all so quickly that it feels like kind of a letdown, deduction-wise.
BRILLIANT! All of it, not just one or two bitingly, on-point descriptors, all of it.
“You wake up in Singapore. There’s a man in the bed next to you, but at least he’s dead, so you don’t have to worry about making small talk.”
Thank God. Having to make small talk the morning after is THE WORST.
LOVE IT! How about: “You have stubby, sweaty little fingers, reek of a chrypre perfume, and lust for a bird.”
Also, Isabelle Allende treats you as a joke and casts aspersions on your character.
“You don’t believe her story or her money, but you believe those legs. All both of them, top to bottom, and any other direction they care to go in, too.” …and now I’m dead. What else is there?
What movie is that picture from, because they are eating off of my china?
Never kiss the woman you trust is excellent advice. I don’t mix business with pleasure, sweetheart.
What movie is that picture from and IS THAT OR IS THAT NOT MAGGIE SMITH
IT IS,I know it! Maggie Smith eating off of my china (swoon)
Murder By Death has not only young Maggie Smith but also young James Cromwell. Must be seen to be believed.
AND Truman Capote, if I’m thinking of the right movie.
Hardboiled detectives forever.
I would accept a screencap of Picard as Dixon Hill as currency in almost any situation.
Or…David Niven is sitting at your dinner table wearing a tux!
Do Orwell next!!!
if you haven’t seen the Thin Man movies (especially the original), please do! Classic, hilarious, and based on Hammett characters.
Dashiel Hammett and Lillian Hellman forever yes please this is so great.
Dashiel Hammett and Lillian Hellman forever yes please this is so great.
Read more at http://the-toast.net/2014/02/20/are-you-in-a-dash…
I would also have accepted a screencap of Picard as Dixon Hill to accompany this story.