“Two by two by two [cocks gun]…by .22.”
“Looks like somebody’s…all washed up.”
“A storm is coming that will drown the world.”
“What are we going to do?”
“We’re going to build a boat.”
“The Lord said we needed two of every type of animal on the ark, but we’ve already got a jackass.”
“Forget about it. It’s water under the bridge.”
“Not anymore. It’s water over the bridge now.”
“You act like he walks on water.”
“Not walks. Floats.”
“Listen, God might have promised never to destroy the world again [cocks gun]…but I didn’t.”
“Looks like you’re up Shit Creek, and I just sold my last paddle.”
“Whatever [pushes Tubal-Cain over the side into a raging torrent]…floats your boat.”
“I’m with you, come hell or high water.”
“There’s no or about it, friend. They’re [cocks gun]…both coming.”
“We’re going to have to throw out an awful lot of babies with this bathwater.”
“Rainbow? Not on my watch. [cocks gun]“
Tags: dialogue, movies, noah, russell crowe, things to say when putting on sunglasses
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“Drink this!” [cocks gun] [swings from deck on a rope; rides galloping giraffe into ark]
The only line it needs is “How long can you tread water?”
“What’s a cubit?”
So, the voiceover on one of the TV ads for this movie started out with “When tyrants ruled the earth…” which I misheard as “When pirates ruled the earth…” and I thought it was going to be like Noah & the animals fighting pirates from the ark? Which would’ve been great, IMO.
Waterworld 2: Biblical Boogaloo
2 Flood 2 Furious
We Bought a Zoo Too
Clearly this is the winning sequel name.
What are your feelings on “We’re gonna need a bigger boat”? I could go either way.
Two of every animal?
If this movie doesn’t have Russell Crowe saying “How long can you tread water?” then I can’t see the point of making it.
Hermione is in it: I assume there is magic
“Accio penguins because they have so far to come to get to the ark!”
WHITE NOAH
Ask a White Noah
Also:
[NOAH presents his ark to GOD. GOD surveys the ark with disdain, zaps it into a smoking pile of ash.]
GOD: You’re gonna need a bigger boat.
I just hope and pray this made it, or at least gets space in Deleted Scenes: “… “dark” scenes in which Russell Crowe’s Noah gets drunk and ponders taking extreme measures to wipe mankind from the face of the Earth.” http://www.theguardian.com/film/2014/mar/11/noah-…
“When it rains … it pours.” [cocks gun]
I got an email from the Humane Society telling me to see Noah because all the animals are CGI. No word on whether the animals have sassy voice actors too.
I would like to see the version where the animals are NOT all CGI.
There’s like one really well-trained spider monkey that knows how to act in front of a green screen.
Two guys in a horse suit.
Three guys and some stilts in a giraffe suit.
Just banging two empty ‘alves of a coconut together.
Uh, Sir, why don’t you just use real cows?
Cows don’t look like cows on film. You gotta use horses.
What do you do if you want something that looks like a horse?
Ehh, usually we just tape a bunch of cats together.
I am hearing the CSI: Miami YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH in my head after every single one of these and it’s perfect.
ahahahahhaa YES.
“Hope you haven’t eaten in the last half hour – ‘cuz you’re about to go swimming.”
So many guns on this ark.
*flexes*
I just want to know if the movie ends before or after the whole unfortunate vineyard situation.
If this doesn’t have the voice of God intoning majestically “There’s gonna be a floody-floody”, I have no interest in seeing this movie.
Seconded!
I also want one montage of the waters mounting over the earth set to the tune of Bobby Darin’s “Splish Splash.”
“I hope you brought an umbrella, because it’s time for a rain [cocks gun] of FURY.”
you have high standards, I just want a lot of Ham jokes. Ham! His name is Ham!
the bible, all right
can they also include that scene where the unicorns show up too late to get a seat on the boat and it is sad, so sad
There were green alligators and long-necked geese,
Some humpy backed camels and some chimpanzees.
Some cats and rats and elephants, but sure as you’re born.
Noah don’t forget My unicorns
Yaaaas like, Ham has promised the sexy blonde twins a spot on the ark and makes a joke about a Ham sandwich, leering & winking at camera.
Ham builds a still on the ark, makes whisky, gets friendly drunk. “EVERYONE LOVES HAM ON RYE.”
I’m about to go HAM on these sinful heathens!
*Animals loading themselves up the ark, two by two. An Enemy, in an effort to thwart Noah, grabs the nearest animal as a hostage*
NOAH: PUT THE BUNNY BACK IN THE BOAT
OH they should make a version of the story where it is all from the viewpoint of the two voles and two meadow mice and two rats and two moles who start out being super afraid of the two kitty cats but then gradually learn to do math and figure out that all the rodents put together outnumber the two kitty cats not just by number but also by mass and volume and so there is nothing to be afraid of and they do not have to hide belowdecks the whole time after all.
then at the turn of the second acts one of them, let’s say a dormouse, figures out that just as there are many kinds of mouse-like creature there is also more than one species of cat-like creature and they are fucked after all.
in the end God sorts it out.
and they can cast some of the animals as real animals and some as CGI or puppets and some as human actors, but not in costume or anything, just acting, you know. that’s the arty way to do it. Russell Crowe can play a vole.
“Guns don’t exist yet!”
“They do [cocks gun] now.”
MAKE IT RAIN
BEST. WON.
“Lifeguard of all animal species [cocks gun] ON DUTY.”
“Yippee-kai-yay, motherflooder!”
Would be funny if Noah accidentally got two male penguins and the conservatives found out about it and denounced him for supporting gay rights
“I’m here to drink sanctified wine and smite the sinful and I’m all out of sanctified wine.”
"I'm here to drink sanctified wine and smite the sinful and I'm all out of sanctified wine."
“Hope you’ve been saving your pennies, ’cause it’s gonna be a RAINY day.”
"Hope you've been saving your pennies, 'cause it's gonna be a RAINY day."
I imagine a Russell Crowe rendition of “A Hard Rain’s A-Gonna Fall” playing during the credits
I imagine a Russell Crowe rendition of "A Hard Rain's A-Gonna Fall" playing during the credits
And then we've got the WHITE EXODUS/MOSES movie coming up next to look forward to.