“They mutually thrashed their softest, most vulnerable parts about in a horrifying normal attempt to seek pleasure at the other’s expense.”
“Their mouths, which mere minutes before had been employed in the process of demolishing and ingesting various foodstuffs, were now jammed up damply against one another while still being used for breathing, which must have been more than a little uncomfortable.”
“Bits of one jammed into bits of the other, dangerously close to some of the weakest and most important internal organs.”
“With absolutely no regard for personal space, the two of them created an unnecessary amount of friction, generating sweat in the process.”
“Some sort of gel emerged.”
“One sat upon the other, like furniture that sneaks inside of your body.”
“Her genitals engulfed his for some arcane purpose.”
“One of them put their teeth-cave directly over the other’s fleshiest appendage, but did not bite it.”
“His genitals emerged from his body with no protection whatever, so that any passing bird could have easily swooped down and carried them off in its beak.”
“They licked one another as if they were food, but they were not food.”
“They took off their clothes, leaving their soft and hairless skin exposed to dust, wind, cold, and various other deadly elements.”
“Jostling occurred for an extended period of time, then silence.”
“Everything was just a mess.”
“Various parts inched forward, then retracted, rather as turtles do.”
“Together they put all of their clothes in a pile on the floor, where the dog lives.”
“Only hours before he had used the very same appurtenance to urinate. He had not washed it in any significant way before inserting it into the other human’s body.”
“They writhed together like a Chinese finger trap.”
Tags: aliens, disgust, erotica, sex, the human form, writing
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“Her genitals engulfed his for some arcane purpose.” – wyrd sex magicks.
Sounds like ’50 Shades of a Tall Grey’ !
We ARE pretty horrible.
You can’t really step back and look at the whole process objectively, or you just revert to being your squicked out 14-year-old self in Health class.
They made noises as if they were in peril for some time, and then as their noise crescendoed, they queried each other’s need for “a burger or something”.
TEETH-CAVE
New band name, I call it!
I tried to make most of these as gender- and orientation-agnostic as possible so we could all share in the cringing glory of disgust.
Glad to know you’re an equal-opportunity sex terrorist.
Their undeveloped mandibles clasp tight around protruding bits secured to their thoraxes with bits of animal skin.
Took me a second.
During THE ACT*, I have to will myself not to consider my body qua body because it gets so distracting that I might have to stop, the same way that if you think about walking for very long, you forget how to, or the way that if you say a word over and over, it loses all meaning.
*In a file on my desktop is a list of the phrases with which I have invited my husband to THE ACT[s], because it amazes me that he continues to be able to mate with me in response to these phrases (and sometimes gestures).
the way that if you say a word over and over, it loses all meaning.
SCIENCE FACT: That’s called “semantic satiation” (or “saturation”)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Semantic_satiation
I know, but I always say the phrase over and over and over and over again, and you see where this is going.
I had this thing a year or two ago where I thought too much about breathing, and about how goddamned laborious it is, what with all the lowering diaphragm and expanding rib cage, like a goddamned bellows, and how creepy it is that we do it all all time time completely unawares, and OHMYGOD WE CAN’T STOP MOVING. It started totally freaking me out to the point where at any random moment I would suddenly become hyperaware of and horrified by my own breathing, and unable to think about anything else. I mostly got over it except now I am remembering it and OHMYGOD WE CAN’T STOP MOVING AAARRRGH!
Some day a bird will actually attack my genitals, and the only thing I’ll be able to say is “Mallory warned me!”
Honestly, I don’t know what else they expected from creatures made out of meat.
“You know how when you slap or flap meat, it makes a noise? They talk by flapping their meat at each other. They can even sing by squirting air through their meat.”
+1 but not because this brings me joy
I hope you know that is a straight-up quote from the story, which is among my favorite stories ever.
I stand completely corrected. That was more joy than I’d hoped for today.
Right? It’s such a great story, and rereading it roughly one jillion times has not decreased its greatness.
I LOVE THIS and have bookmarked it to read again asap. It reminds me a bit of my favorite Vonnegut novel ever. “Oh happy Meat. Oh happy Soul. Oh happy Rabo Karabekian.”
Oh god I’ve never before seen anyone that shared my favorite! (Just had to squee, please continue on with your business.)
Have you seen the video, because IT’S AMAZING.
Glorious and horrible though that is, it reminds me of this deeply silly (and gross, in case existing under this article didn’t count as a warning) comic: http://mountainmoonvolcano.com/post/79860057312
I am pretty sure this could double as a transcript of my cats’ inner monologues during human sexytimes.
The number of times my cats have watched myself and others “have fun” or jumped on the bed, completely unaware that we are very, very busy, exceeds my comfort. They can open my bedroom door. It’s a problem.
Mine also think that anything that vibrates under a cover is some kind of exciting new mousey toy.
Oh, god. that’s horrific. I generally just go sans-cover, but then, I have given up on any semblance of privacy.
OH NO I had forgotten the partner whose cat thought we were playing and would try to join in. He also had a cat who would slip under the covers while I slept and just start gently sucking on a tender spot, say, the soft flesh of my upper arm. To sum up: ew.
With all the judgment they throw, you’d think they could just LEAVE.
Someone might be in danger. They need to supervise.
I’m also pretty sure my cats have no idea why I ever put my clothes back on. I always imagine that they just feel very bad for me that I don’t have protective fur all over
Mine always appear deeply disturbed by the idea that humans have detachable skin and seem to consider it a moral failing whenever we take it on or off.
Mine LOATHES bare skin and will stare at you anxiously until you put clothes on/cover yourself. If you are partly clothed, she’ll sit on the clothed part and avoid the unclothed part AT ALL COSTS.
Then, finished, each human turned over and fell asleep, seemingly unconcerned to be lying in the amalgamated filth created by expulsions from various body orifices.
Ok, this one I’m actually with the alien on…
I wasn’t halfway through when the “I must share this with The World” thought passed through my head. But then, of course, all my relatives are on facebook, which makes this somehow slightly different than the usual Toasted misandry I post there all the time? Hrmmm.
I’m already having Some Thoughts about having put my real name and face on this commenting account, given the inevitability of this article leaking into my Facebook world.
Reminds me so much of this video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KMkCPCWbmZk , which I found by searching “turtles doing it”.
And then I clicked. Charmed but confused.
About 20 seconds in, my wife called from the other room “ARE YOU WATCHING THOSE TURTLES BONE???”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CMNry4PE93Y
Which is why I wish to be reborn as Chenjesu.
This comment made my week. I LOVE seeing references to my favorite game of all time.
Oh look, Mallory Ortberg casually ruining another nice thing.
So says Jizzcliner, whose existence has ruined both sex and recliners.
YO! this alien doesn’t know about human sex but knows A LOT about earth-animal habits. SUSPICIOUS.
(calmed down enough to read, love, enjoy, spread)
“Everything was just a mess.”
Yep.
Really, who among us hasn’t thought this at one point or another?
Mallory you really need to play Mass Effect.
… okay, I have Mass Effect and have never been lured beyond the first little bit, but I think you’ve just decided what I play this weekend. I assume I’ll know when I reach whatever you’re referencing by how loudly I yell “EW!,” right?
Well, the thing I’m thinking of happens in like ME2 and beyond, and you’ll probably laugh. And you can’t romance a human, but like why would you?
“So… your hair looks good. And your waist is… very supportive.”
lolololol memories.
Speaking of Bioware, this also recalls “Mockery: Oh, Master, I love you, but I hate all you stand for! But I think we should go press our slimy, mucus-covered lips together in the cargo hold!”
Urrrrrgggghhhh the penis-urination thing is SOMETIMES A THOUGHT THAT I HAVE MID-BLOWJOB.
Ok, all the time. It’s all the time a thought that I have mid-blowjob. Everything is terrible.
“Some sort of gel emerged.”
BRB never sexing anyone ever again
Welp, now I’m afraid of birds.
That is, however, a sexy pen.
“One of them put their teeth-cave directly over the other’s fleshiest appendage, but did not bite it.”
This made me sort of hungry. Is that wrong?
Why do you do this why must you ruin even this thinggggg
This is the most effective form of birth control ever.
I’m assuming this was written to be read as Croach the Tracker from The Thrilling Adventure Hour, because that is the only way I can read it.
Bagropa! That’s how I read it too.
I would pay good money* to have Mark Gagliardi narrate this.
*NB: I live in Georgia, where good money is approximately $35.
This sounds a lot like Anais Nin’s “erotica” – my theory is she decided to punish readers for the fact she made more money writing porn than writing Real Litrachoor.
1) This is precisely what sex sounds like to this ace. There is too much intimate body fluid contact to consider it unless the other person was ridiculously darn special.
2) Which is also why when homophobes and co act like straight missionary hetero sex is inherently more sanitary and therefore not unclean both physically and morally – dudes, do you even understand what sex is? Sanitary really isn’t a factor.
I like that it isn’t specified which teeth cave it is.
“teeth cave” reminds me of https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yH8yuld4DUE
this made me laugh so hard i immediately went to facebook to post and share it.
So caught up in the genius, i put “mallory” as my username (which it is not), and got nowhere.
Mallory, you’re brilliant.
Argh, will you aliens please stop maligning my genre? Pick on Romance, it’s much harder to fathom.
This is pure genius. With the ring of truth.
Pretty accurate, but they missed out the part where the squishy bits go into brief periods of intense, uncontrollable spasm.
They’re made out of meat.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7tScAyNaRdQ
This reminds me a lot of Colin McGinn’s attitudes toward bodies. There’s a hilarious review of his book on disgust here: http://static.squarespace.com/static/520cf78be4b0…
Some people don't get up and drink a glass of water and go pee right after, either! This person sure has to, though.
Read Jonathan Swift asap please!
As Roxydrew points out, human sex is boring http://www.roxydrew.com/?p=155
Amazing. Reminds me of this erotica written by a virgin: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00E7K62EC/ref=cm_sw_r_t…
“This book is intended for super mature audiences.”
Sign me up!
I have been giggling about “some sort of gel emerged” for days now. Thanks for that (I guess).
Read those in Pat Robertson’s voice…
I wish I could say I stopped being that squicked out 14 year old…
Every sex ed teacher needs to post this in their classroom – it would be the best birth control ever.
Am I the first person to say Time Lords? I think I’m the first person to say Time Lords. Time Lords.
gender-agnostic, eh? and yet you still felt the need to use his-her pronouns instead of simply "they"
THIS!! One time I was fooling around with some cookies while making ice cream sandwiches for this dude and myself, and I dropped one of the cookies. I unceremoniously picked it up, and just ate it. Then I hear him go "That's unsanitary". So I said "Not an hour ago you were eating my ass, and I kissed you afterwards. You have no room to talk about unsanitary, pal." HAHA!
Weirdly, I heard it all in ZeFrank's "True facts about" voice. I think it was 'as turtles do' that set it off.
Oh god I've never before seen anyone that shared my favorite! (Just had to squee, please continue on with your business.)
“Only hours before he had used the very same appurtenance to urinate. He had not washed it in any significant way before inserting it into the other human’s body.”
I have to say, this honestly bothers me for real. Not as much as it bothered me when I first learned about sex (I could not get past “we pee with that!”) but still. Yuck. Everyone’s like “pee after sex to prevent infection” and I’m like “How about cleaning yourself before sex? How about that?”
I smell an idea for my next romance! How can I help it — the stench…oh, God, the stench!
I smell an idea for my next romance! How can I help it — the stench…oh, God, the stench!
This is why I’m ace tbh
Yeah, when you look at is logistically as an observer, it is pretty silly, the sex thing we do.
Wyrd be damned!
Damp mouth jamming is where it’s at.
Damp mouth jamming is where it's at.
The humans remove their clothing as they prepare to mate. This comes as a great surprise, considering how much effort they put into selecting those specific garments with the intension of impressing one another.
Still a better love story than Twilight.
Still a better love story than Twilight.
BBC’s Sherlock. “A kind of gel emerged.”
BBC's Sherlock. "A kind of gel emerged."
HOT!
The word ‘ genitals’ looks like it does not belong to an alien vocabulary.
One time a few years ago after reading something about the optimal way to breathe (specifically for yoga or meditation or climbing or something, but that little detail meant nothing to me at the time) I sat in bed thinking about my own breathing and how I was doing it wrong and how as a human if I couldn't even fucking breathe properly then what if the rest of my involuntary bodily functions were equally wrong and if i can't manage shit like that then how could I ever hope to anything ever and holy shit I had a major fucking mental breakdown and had to call a friend and she came over to try to talk me out of it but i couldn't fucking deal and i didn't leave my bed for like twenty hours and and and holy shit I snapped out of it but seriously bodies are weird and amazing and awful