Upsetting Vibrator Reviews

by Mallory Ortberg · December 16, 2014

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okay i for sure understand your concerns but there are only so many shapes that fit the human vagina

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wait

which one sits alone in the closet??Screen Shot 2014-12-15 at 10.25.27 PM

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“it’s going in my vagina for christ’s sake”Screen Shot 2014-12-15 at 10.00.10 PM

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129 Comments

  2. aravisthequeen +218

    “This is not sufficiently discreet. Please design a vibrator shaped like a plate at Thanksgiving dinner or a dictionary or a full-size coat rack for those of us who want to be discreet.”

    1. robot_dinosaur +132

      please design a vibrator that looks like the complete works of Dorothy Sayers thank you

      1. Es_Petal +54

        That would be potentially embarrassing when you just want to lend someone the Nine Tailors though.

      2. Rosemary +27

        Or if it just WAS the complete work of Dorothy Sayers. Who needs any more sex than found in Busman’s Honeymoon? Is it not the sexiest book ever? Dorothy Sayers Is My Vibrator.

    2. Elitist Semicolon +66

      The full-size coat rack would be “to big” for the woman who’s sitting alone in the closet, though.

    3. winterbymorning +119

      I used to have a small bullet one that recharged via USB! That was pretty discreet because I could always claim it was a novelty vibrating USB key.

      I say used to because I forgot it at my grandmother’s apartment after my last trip to the motherland and I don’t want to talk about this anymore, okay.

    4. blushingflower +31

      They make ones shaped like bath toys and lipstick, so clearly this woman has not shopped around.

      1. elsamac +35

        Yeeeah, I’ve seen vibrators that are intended to, like, sit around your bathroom looking like a rubber duckie or sit on your mantel as an objet d’art, and I DO NOT LIKE THAT IDEA. I’ve got rubber duckies in my bathroom, so I know that every kid who goes into that bathroom comes out clutching a duck.

        As for the objets d’arts, yes, fine, stick anything anywhere inside you that gives you pleasure, I hope you do! But if you also make that vibrator the stealthy centerpiece of your decor for guests to look at, you’re unwittingly involving them in your needs, and NOPE.

        [eta: I’m all for providing options for people who, for whatever reason, need to be discreet about their sex-toy use. But the duckies and the sculptures seem… inadvisable.]

        1. blushingflower +19

          My chief objection to them is that they are not powerful enough, but that is my problem.
          I mostly just keep my vibrator plugged in to whatever outlet is closest to the bed and lying close to hand for whenever I need it. I do have a stuffed frog from IKEA that has a zippered mouth that I have been known to use as sex toy/condom storage. I think discreet storage beats discreet shapes any day, unless you are traveling with it. (The ducks make a bit of sense if you primarily masturbate in the shower/tub and you just want to leave it there so it is conveniently to hand)

        2. Alli525 +32

          Remember the Dear Prudie where an aunt or someone got one and (instead of using it) thought it was a tchotchke for displaying in her living room? Classic.

  5. projectbeks +19

    I was casually reading the Toast, seeing what was posted so far, and so I read the first review (before the jump to the full article), and very nearly spewed my coffee and breakfast all over my work computer. Laughing. So. Hard.

      1. winterbymorning +25

        I’m more concerned about the “Vac U Lock 12.5″ attachment” like… is it actually a vacuum?

        1. sansdromeda +13

          I think it’s more of a suction cup thingy. So yes, technically, but it’s not as if it requires a vacuum pump.

          1. winterbymorning +38

            Now I’m wondering why a man would get his wife a toy that’s presumably much bigger than his fleshy equivalent in the first place… you’d think the delicate male ego would get in the way of that particular transaction. Or was he like, trying to reverse-psychology her into appreciating him more? “Shh, honey, it’s okay. I’ve put the Vac U Lock away. You can come out of the closet now. Mine is much more manageable.”

          2. sansdromeda +27

            Two things come to mind: 1) the guy doesn’t have an inferiority complex and doesn’t mind deep-dicking his wife over his own junk/doesn’t have a flesh penis of his own (transman). 2) It’s for double penetration play.

          3. Passing_Strange +43

            I am guessing he didn’t put too much thought into what might please a woman beyond “women like big dicks right? I’ll get her the biggest dick.”

      2. Holly_Kat +7

        I read a romance novel once in which the author referred to the clitoris as “her fleshy nub”. Ugh.

  9. Girl Named Jack +284

    Sorry, hon, I don’t remember using that toy at ALL. Better try again and see if it works.

    Sorry, hon, I don’t remember using that toy at ALL. Better try again and see if it works.

    Sorry, hon, I don’t remember using that toy at ALL. Better try again and see if it works.

    1. winterbymorning +70

      I love how that person kept it even though they’re not going to use it, because they want a colourful collection. Humanity is so beautiful.

      1. OncoMouse +59

        I just imagine someone showing their soon-to-be lover around their sex toy collection.

        This is my rabbit. It’s pink and the ears are the best part. This is my bullet. It’s a bullet, you know, so. This is my purple, sparkly 9″ dildo. It’s a bit too big but I like the color.

    2. Grace +77

      yeah this is my favourite too. “Not worth the price if you are going to use it”. IF, on the other hand, you are looking for a colourful mantlepiece ornament, well. LOOK NO FURTHER.

  12. parvumopus +21

    Omg this is too, too much this early in the morning. Also I’m about 100% sure that the Michael Hale of the dog review is twitter user @dogboner, but unfortunately I can’t check Amazon for Magic Wands at work to verify.

  13. redheadedwolf +190

    I cannot express enough love for those who have discovered that their dead husbands have been completely replaced by a vibrator. And are about to recommend it to their recently widowed friends.

    1. Amelia +27

      Though I am saddened that it took her SO LONG to come to this realization. What paths her life could have taken if she had only realized that masturbation was a thing 20 or so years earlier!

      1. Blanche de Shambles +35

        “Many of you feel bad for this vibrator. That is because you are crazy. It has no feelings, and the new one is so much better!”

      2. Abanthis +13

        I once had a breakup in which the breakupee demanded that I at least care for a plant that was a recent gift, because it made them so sad to think of the poor thing dying alone in the dark unappreciated and unloved and denied the chance to bring joy to anyone even though it had so much joy to give and how could I hurt something so innocent and and and. At least the toy was actively involved in that guy’s sex life, to be so heavily anthropomorphised.

  16. anninyn +37

    Am I a prude? I have never reviewed any kind of sex toy on a site like amazon, where my reviews of sex toys could be found alongside my reviews of books and random crap.

    1. Es_Petal +11

      I wouldn’t either! Same for the like/share competitions that Lovehoney etc do on facebook, or commenting on their blogs and so on.

      1. anninyn +33

        I just feel weird about
        ‘this sex toy made me come really hard’ next to ‘I wasn’t keen on the writing in this book’

        1. GoatseFanfic +18

          I feel like it’s a generational thing whether you have second thoughts about horrifying oversharing on the Internet.

    2. merrillworks +13

      this is what alternate amazon accounts are for

      >>

      <<

      But still not names like Beef ThudPunch or MizHotBunz. Those are for, respectively, MST3K/takedowns of 50 Shades of Grey and embarrassing local political races.

  17. winterbymorning +216

    When I put it in my “fun box” for storage

    9 out of 10 doctors recommend not using your “fun box” for long-term storage.

    1. mirandawmeyer +22

      The truly horrible thing is my eighth grade math teacher used this very phrase to teach us about functions. WHAT WAS SHE THINKING, we all wondered at the time. I continue to wonder; I don’t know about my erstwhile classmates.

  18. dorkmuffin +23

    This is some House of Leaves shit. Or like, Blake Butler.

    “DAYS ARE WEEKS AND WEEKS ARE DAYS INSIDE YOU”

  19. CleverManka +45

    I’ve never thought about making an Amazon account for Clever Manka so I can review stuff like this, but now I kinda want to. I just need the money to buy the expensive sex toys so I can write about them. KICKSTARTER HO.

    1. Goonwuff +75

      There should be a Crowdfunding site purely for getting people sex toys. It could be called “Forepay”.

        1. deleted7410012 +13

          a chris evans gif in this thread is highly inappropriate (aka very relevant to my interests).

          2. Es_Petal +11

            You know that misandrist prayer yesterday about riding the men I can like a pony….

            I’ll be in my bunk.

          6. apple_pi +7

            These two gifs may have single-handedly (pun intended) kickstarted my fanfic writing hobby out of a two-year slump. Holy MOLY.

      3. merrillworks +15

        Seriously buying sex toys is a BITCH because 98% of them suck and sex ed sucks and reviews MATTER.

  20. deleted5647547 +218

    I’M BUYING ONE FOR A FRIEND WHOSE HUSBAND DIED.

    I guess there’s always that one friend who’s not content to bring a casserole.

  22. Fl0ssieraptor +20

    These are great, but they will never match the reviews of the disembodied vaginas and blow up dolls on Lovehoney. My favourite one ever was pages and pages long and was written in the style of a low-circulation books blog.

    1. Abanthis +12

      I have so much rage for the sheer quantity of reviews on EVERYTHING that are one line long and go “my wifey got one n i thought she looked really naughty lol”. That is not remotely helpful!

      1. Fl0ssieraptor +11

        I can’t find them at work (for obvious reasons), but I’ll see if I can track down some screenshots later. Put it this way, I’ve got a lot of time for a chap who doesn’t mind describing in quite a lot of detail how he built a rubber woman (no head tho) out of various disembodied sex toys and wedged them together with a pillow but thinks the word ‘tits’ is far too salty and stars out the ‘i’.

  23. Frumiosa +55

    SERIOUS QUESTION THO: Rabbit or Hitachi Magic Wand?

    Almost typed “Rabbi” but I already have one of those. My husband.

    2. robotneedslove +16

      I have a very fancy rabbit-like vibe and I’m not into it. I like to be able to control my own experience more. It’s like buying a whole outfit already picked out, or…. I dunno, a TV dinner.

    4. dorianneemmerton +15

      The Magic Wand is a must-have but I don’t really use mine with other people. I use it for 5 seconds, roll over and go to sleep. For play with other people I need something that, um, lasts longer.

    5. Guest Vibrator User +12

      I say that if you’re going to spend a decent amount of money, actually, Lelo is worth paying for. Not necessarily the rabbit/dual stimulation design — I hear it’s a little too inflexible to fit everyone — but their others are incredible.

    6. blushingflower +17

      Magic Wand. I do not waste my time on anything that is battery-powered, it is no fun to have to interrupt yourself in order to scrounge up more batteries.

    7. AmazingSandwich +8

      Everything I have heard from real-life people about rabbits suggests they are severely underwhelming.

    9. Soyabean +5

      I may be transferring my superficial nature over to my sex times but I just can’t get behind the magic wand. They’re so….clinically 80s and odd looking. Lelo or we vibe all the way!

      1. delurking +3

        Seconding the Lelo recommendation! They’re pricy but after my husband bought me one my other four toys had to sit alone in the closet. In four separate closets, yes.

    10. mousebutt +10

      I bought a CalEx rabbit after reading reviews with sentences like “not for the faint of heart” and “clitoris of steel. It did not disappoint. It has a dolphin instead of a rabbit, I still don’t know why the hell they put an animal in there anyway. I was underwhelmed by Lelo’s overpriced (but sooo pretty) stuff.

      The wand style ones don’t do much for me personally. I like my sex toys to be mobile, water resistant and, much like the first reviewer, I like a “penis” (don’t tell men that, it will ruin the misandrist facade). I will also probably buy one for any friend whose husband dies.

    11. flouncypants +2

      Just for you I created an account to say this:
      http://www.amazon.com/Trinity-Vibes-AB935-Vibrato…

      Why choose?

    12. Hobbbes +8

      These reviews make it pretty clear that you really only need one or the other (husband vs vibrator, not rabbit vs magic wand).

    13. mckinleaf +12

      Magic Wands are presented as the Best Ever, but what they are is the Most Powerful (actually there’s a couple stronger, but close enough). For some people, most vibrators aren’t nearly strong enough, so the Magic Wand is a godsend. For me, they’re so strong that it doesn’t even register as a particularly sexual stimulus, it’s just unpleasant. So no one can predict whether this will work for you or not.

      The problem with rabbits is there is a set distance and angle between the clit-bunny and the and dildo part. As people have many different distances between their clits and vaginas, the chance of this aligning correctly on you is very small. If you need both kinds of stimulation simultaneously, you’re better off using a separate clit buzzer type thing and dildo type thing. Or one and your hand.

      If you like moderate-strongish but not crazy strong stimulation, maybe you will like the Tenga Iroha, which is made of a really nice non-lint-accumulating slightly squashy but still firm silicon substance, and is adorable and can do targeted clit stimulation or more broad general external stimulation. (but not internal). I have also heard very good things about Lelo.

    14. Floria

      If you don’t mind the dorky packaging/marketing and the steampunk electric toothbrush aesthetic, the Eroscillator’s pretty good.

    1. leider_hosen +24

      too big for the wife but not too big for him…? I dunno, man. I might have taken this too far.

    3. Unreadaethel +8

      Perhaps he doesn’t want to suggest that it’s an inferior product, only that he got the wrong size. I mean, I’m sure it’s still an excellent sex toy, and it would be unfair of him to insult its quality or whatever.

  26. eegghh +18

    Who borrows Nine Tailors? That’s got to be the number one least loaned Dorothy Sayers! I bet even her translation of the Divine Comedy sees more hot loaning action than Nine Tailors. Yous should always be suspicious of a friend who wants to borrow Nine Tailors but doesn’t have it together enough to own it.

    1. raqueue +17

      Five Red Herrings is probably loaned the least. Simple because people forget about its existence.

      Although, I would agree to be suspicious of any friend who doesn’t own a copy of Nine Tailors. I own two: one to read, and one as a vibrator in disguise to complement my change ringing obsession.

    2. gorebooth +7

      It’s quite a stand-alone hit in the bell-ringing community, despite its numerous campanological errors.

  27. SheWearsHerPseudonymLikeaFancyShawl +30

    All these sex articles are making me want to write one about suffering from lack of desire (and how sometimes it does go away in long-term relationships) and how it often goes away thanks to vestibulodynia, a condition which many people don’t realize exists. Under a pen name, of course. Would any of you read it if I did?

    “When Your Body Doesn’t Work the Way Everyone Around You Thinks It Does . . .”

    2. perianwen +5

      As someone who suffered for a few years from vestibulitis/vulvodynia (and definitely had no idea it was something that could happen), yes.

  28. Myrtle +4

    Articles this week on Amazon being a hub for counterfeit goods, sure wouldn’t want a vibrator made with unsafe materials. Go to a real store, you can look and ask questions. Also, spend the money and buy the good stuff #teamlelo

      1. ktkeith +1

        And they’re friendly and helpful if you drop by their actual storefront. But do order online as well, to support them!

  29. dyingofthatroar

    This is reply to Girl Detective:

    The clitoral vibrators from Iroha I would not recommend: I bought the (white) Yuki and 1) it's not waterproof 2) it broke within 3 months. Don't know about the mini or the dildo-shaped Iroha vibrators.

    I have the JimmyJane Form 2, which does have its glitches but I got on sale 50% off and is totally worth it. Also for Christmas I'm getting the L'Amourose Rosa, which I am just *so* excited about.

    Lelo: I haven't enjoyed the couple of vibrators I got from them, but I love the Ella. Like, less than my Vixskins, but Ella is much much cheaper than those beauties.

    Also the Picobong range is made by Lelo – battery powered and much cheaper. I have the Moka, which is supposed to be like the GiGi but better. I find it pretty decent for the price. Although the advertising is all based around 'oh, isn't this so wholesome and fun!' and is a bit my-first-vibrator. They probably use the word 'non-threatening' somewhere in the website.

  31. Elle_Dee +5

    People are giving me strange looks at the coffee shop because of unsuccessful efforts to stifle laughter. This is as good as Haribo sugarless gummy bear reviews