Clara Rotter-Laitman last wrote for The Toast about things sold under the name “Great Expectations.” This post was brought to you by Aparajita Misra.

Your friends would describe you as…

a. Practical but romantic

b. Adventurous

c. A rebel

d. A lover

e. A gold-digger

 

What minor role did you play in Fiddler on the Roof in middle school?

a. Fruma Sarah

b. The Constable

c. Bottle Dancer

d. Avram

e. Villager #4

 

What would be your favorite household chore?

a. Milking a cow

b. Folding sheets with your sisters

c. Pitching bails of hay

d. Cleaning the house before Sabbath

e. Fetching water from the well

 

What is your favorite song from Fiddler on the Roof?

a. “Miracle of Miracles”

b. “Matchmaker”

c. “Sunrise, Sunset”

d. “Sabbath Prayer”

e. “Tradition”

 

Who is your main crush?

a. The bookworm from Hebrew school. He loves his mom and is saving up to buy a new sewing machine! So cute!

b. Your sexy tutor/family friend who is working on “the revolution” in the city. You could listen to her talk about new ideas and the discourse of modern times for hours….

c. The person you know you shouldn’t like and who your family will most certainly hate. He’s Christian, but it’s not like he was part of the pogroms! (At least you think he wasn’t…)

d. The guy who seems like a total dream-boat but has a horrible family who ruins everything.

e.  The guy with money, clout and a completely soul-sucking job. He has a gorgeous house, but is obsessed with keeping up appearances.

 

When Yenta the town matchmaker and very annoying neighbor comes over, you…

a. Act polite but sneak away… Don’t want Yenta to get any ideas!

b. Listen in for the latest gossip and info. Drop hints about sexy, smart, learned guys, like the rabbi’s son.

c. Leave to take a walk. If you have to hear one more word about the dorks in your village you’ll freak out.

d. Make her some tea and get out of there, you’ll meet the right guy when you least expect it.

e. Sit at the table and pretend to fold napkins, while keeping an ear out for mention of wealthy older guys.

 

What are your pet peeves?

a. Your family always trying to set you up with weird, old men.

b. Your parents not being liberal enough.

c. Not getting to have a Christmas tree.

d. Flakey and/or snobby guys.

e. When all your older siblings leave and you’re all alone in the house with your parents. (Really, Hodel, you had to go to Siberia?!)

 ***

Mostly a: You are Tzeitl, the eldest daughter who gets engaged to Motl the tailor, behind her father’s back. This is a classic case of the oldest kid getting the strictest rules, because if Tevye could have seen what was coming with next couple daughters, he would have been pleased that Tzeitl was settling down with the town’s adorable nerdy Jewish tailor. Tzeitl is both a realist and a romantic. She never had her eye on the Rabbi’s son or anything crazy, but (perhaps like you) she wanted true love nonetheless.

Mostly b: You are Hodel, the second daughter. Hodel falls for Pertschik the starry-eyed tutor, who gets sentenced to prison in Siberia because of his political ties. She is not a drama queen about having to pack up everything and leave the life and family she loves. In the musical she sings one ballad, kisses her family goodbye and gets on the train. Hodel is a trooper, so you are likely a trooper as well.

Mostly c: You are Chava, the third daughter. She marries Khvedko, a Christian man and gets in serious trouble. Everyone has to pretend she is dead and can’t talk to her. In the end, she comes back to ask for forgiveness. Chava, like you, has strong convictions but knows when to fold her cards.

Mostly d: You are Schprintze, the fourth daughter. Actually nobody should be her because her story is really too sad. She falls for a guy with a rich snobby family who drop the bomb that they don’t want their poor milkman (Tevye) marrying into their family. Schprinze drowns herself in a nearby pond a few weeks later and everyone is devastated. Basically, she gets screwed over by a family of jerks, but her characteristics of hope and optimism for a better (richer, more comfortable) life are actually really admirable.

Mostly e: You are Beilke, the fifth daughter. She ends up with Padhatzur, a young bachelor who made a fortune in Japan. He worked his way to riches but has a serious image issue where he needs everyone to think he is amazing. So much so that he lies and tells everyone his father in law (Tevye) is very rich, when we all know he’s a milkman. One day he calls Tevye to his mansion and offers to send him out of town, to Palestine even, so Padhatzur can maintain this lie. Beilke is super sorry but says she’s not going to be like Hodel and live with no money, because they grew up in different times and have different values. Beilke chooses money over good character with her husband, but has rational, realistic reasons for her choice. Also, don’t you hate being compared with your older sister?!

***

 

If none of these answers sound like you then there’s a possibility that you are Teibel the sixth daughter. She is mentioned approximately one time, which shows the large impact she made on family life. She wasn’t part of the quiz because no one knows anything about her. If I could guess, I bet she ended up happiest out of all of them, because Tevye seems like the kind of person who only wrote home when there’s something to complain about. If I were you, I would go with being Teibl, except then you wouldn’t be in the movie.