Clara Rotter-Laitman’s previous work for The Toast can be found here.
When it comes to Jewish-American Bar and Bat Mitzvah parties there are some traditions that lay far outside the logic of a Jewish coming-of-age ceremony: the montage, the candle lighting ceremony and others. Nonetheless, these kitsch traditions have found their place next to the religious ones and will not budge. It’s hard to know exactly where they came from, but here is one Bar/Bat Mitzvah aficionado’s best guess.
The Montage
Definition:
The Montage is a five to twenty-five minute slide show of the Bar or Bat Mitzvah child set to clean and upbeat music. Traditionally the montage starts with indistinguishable-from-other-newborn photos and continues onto nearly nude bathtime photos. Then, stilted who-is-that-cousin-anyway pictures and finally on to glamour shots of the Bar or Bat Mitzvah child and their adolescent friend-crew, set, of course to “I’ll be there for you.”
Presumed origins:
Somewhere on Long Island a mother watched a Judy Garland tribute on E! and suddenly realized how her Power-Point skills could be used for her daughter’s special day.
The Candle Lighting Ceremony
Definition:
A portion of the glitzy Bar or Bat Mitzvah “Saturday night party” where an enormous cake is rolled out to the middle of the dance floor bearing six to thirteen unlit candles. The Bar or Bat Mitzvah child stands before the cake and reads a few facts about their relationship with each honoree from a plastic-covered folder before calling them up to light a candle. Clever overachiever Bar or Bat Mitzvah kids will write these in rhyme: “I always have so much fun at your house in the cape… Cousins Marnie and Jon please come up and light candle number eight.”
Presumed origins:
A Jewish Bar or Bat Mitzvah DJ was looking for a way to give himself a break from the Black Eyed Peas and take a much needed smoke break. While packing up the DJ booth one night, he had an idea and shared it with his next clients. “Wouldn’t you rather Bube and Zeyde plant a kiss on Zachary and light a candle instead of making a speech?” “Yes,” they said. “Yes we would.”
Coke and Pepsi
Definition:
A party game where adolescents dressed in their finest choose a partner and stampede them when the DJ says “Coke” or “Pepsi.” Prizes for the winner determine the wealth of the Bar or Bat Mitzvah kid’s family. In Westchester during 2005, a cheap prize was a $5 Blockbuster gift card and a fancy prize was an iPod Nano. Common injuries include: broken toes, nose bleeds, and minor concussions.
Presumed origins:
One Reform rabbi from the Main Line did not like the “grinding” he saw on the dance floor at recent Bar and Bat Mitzvahs. As his own son’s Bar Mitzvah approached, he sat at his desk thinking of ways to delay the DJ from playing the dance music. He took a sip of his Pepsi and had a brilliant idea.
Friend Speeches
Definition:
The part of the “kids party” when friends and frenemies of the Bat Mitzvah girl come up and give speeches about “all the good times they’ve had with her… More good times then you’ve had with her! Seriously, remember when our families when to Martha’s Vineyard and you lost your tooth? And that dog named Patsy?! HAHA!!! But really, we’ve been friends forever, and I love you and you look so beautiful tonight. And it’s so awesome you got your braces off for this weekend, (my mom would never let me do that.) But seriously, I love you more than anyone. (ANYONE! Hear me Eliza?)”
Presumed origins:
Friends have nachas too! Long before Facebook and Instagram, friends of Bat Mitzvah girl Marissa decided to take to the mic and show the world just how BFF they were. They even made her a cryptic/sentimental gift, i.e.: “memory glass” or a Mason jar with sparkles and inside-joke-related charms inside.
The Rehearsal
Definition:
The Thursday before a child’s Bar or Bat Mitzvah when the family goes to the synagogue dressed in “the” Bar or Bat Mitzvah outfits to pose with one another and the child in question holding a Torah. The photographer is usually paid for the amount of time, not the number of photos, so there can be up to one thousand pictures taken of Jeremy, skinny arms trembling under the weight of the sacred scroll.
Presumed origins:
Puberty is kind to none, but one kvelling parent decided it was crucial to have photos of her son’s special day. The rabbi refused paparazzi during the service, but could be persuaded to open the ark for the rehearsal.
Bathroom Gift Basket Raid
Definition:
A free and unmonitored basket of toiletries put in the synagogue bathroom for guests, and an absolute free-for-all for middle school girls. During the part of the service that is boring or the part of the kids party when the boys start playing keep-it-up with a yarmulke, the girls descend into the bathroom to open tampons, pads and pantiliners to fulfill dares and curiosity.
Presumed origins:
Bubbe thought it would be nice to offer the guests some toiletries.
Tags: clara rotter-laitman, folklore, humor, religion, the jewish people
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I agonized over my candle-lighting rhymes. AGONIZED.
Gordo!!
MY CHILDHOOD.
Or I guess, my official adulthood?
I went to a bat mitzvah party that had the following elements:
1)a seated dinner for 400 adults with a big band, followed by a dj and dancing
2) a separate ballroom for the under 18s that included:
A) a sundae bar
B) a “cocktail” bar, ie a guy mixing grenadine and cherries with various types of sodas and serving them in cocktail glasses
C) a Michael Jackson impersonator
D) a buffet of every sort of kid friendly food you could imagine.
Also the inevitable “pre teen girls crying in corners over slights real and imagined.”
My dad picked me up at the unheard of our of 11:30 and I was so overstimulated all I could say was “so…many…mozarella sticks” before passing out in a sugar coma.
i want to say “wow did we go to the same bat mitzvah?” but i actually think this might be every bar/bat mitzvah for families at or above a certain level of means
Yeah, add a perplexing amount of inflatable instruments even when the theme isn’t tied to music in some way, and t-shirts (I remember parents objecting to one that said ‘Eat. Sleep. And party with Jesse’ because they thought the shirt suggested that we do ALL those things with Jesse and we were like ‘Uh, those are periods, not commas. Separate thoughts!’) and I went to this bat mitzvah twelve times.
OMG !!! My bat mitzvah had inflatable instruments for some reason!! Glad I’m not the only one!!
Pre teen girls crying in corners over slights real and imagined! I think this happens at every gathering of more than 5 girls this age.
When I was that age, no other girls my age were necessary for me to cry in a corner over slights real and imagined.
At one particularly fancy bar mitzvah party in which all my Hebrew school classmates and I were relegated to a dark corner table and ignored, I sewed all the contents of the women’s bathroom basket together with the tiny sewing kit provided. Except for the eyeshadow palette, which provided the girls in my class with at least an hour of fun.
Also:
– The Motzi
Elderly patriarch of the family comes up and makes the blessing over a loaf of challah the size of a table.
– The DJ Helpers
A hot Gentile man and woman in sparkly vests and spandex pants who get Grandma and pre-teen boys to dance to YMCA, to hilarious effect.
– The Theme
Actual themes I have seen: Broadway, A Tribute to Dance, Pandas, Roll the Dice with Ari (party set on a casino boat in the Detroit River, true story)
Are 13-year-olds even allowed on casino boats? What a world!
DJ Helpers!! I didn’t grow up going to bar mitzvahs in rural Ohio, but I played in a klezmer band for one recently and was amazed at the presence of “dance leaders” (and how INTO IT the suburban DC moms were. Suburban DC moms are surprisingly good dancers if you give them a couple of hot, bouncy leaders to map off of).
(Just to be clear, the klezmer band and the dance leaders were for separate portions of the party.)
My sister is a B’nei Mitzvah helper! It’s her college breaks job.
Yo, this one Bar Mizvah I went to had these GORGEOUS ARYAN TWIN MALE DANCERS. Identical twins. They slow-danced with the girls. It was a transcendent experience.
Yes! They were called “Motivational Dancers” and they were the same two girls and one guy at every bar/bat mitzvah in the area.
At the same decadent/horrible party as I mentioned above, the dancer helpers kept trying to get my classmates and I to dance, but we were too pissed off/awkward. Finally, I very solemnly told them, “We’re Puritans. We’re not allowed to dance.” They believed me!
I had zero of these traditions. My mom also refused themes like Hollywood or Around the World, insisting that the theme of my bat mitzvah was “bat mitzvah.” I also had a klezmer band instead of the more popular DJ all my friends had, to my enduring shame. (“The Yiddishe Cup was at your baby naming!!” 13 year old me did not care.)
Yeah, same here. Hell, I’ve never even *heard* of most of them. Me personally, I did not have enough friends at 13 to have any themed anything. My brother had a special performance from the improv troupe that performed in the basement of the reception venue. My sister had a million people and trucker hats as favors and karaoke at a Chinese restaurant.
I opted out of having a bat mitzvah and it is, to date, the only time my father ever told me he was disappointed in me. Even though we are all atheists and they sent me to Communist Jew School and at no point did I learn a single word of Hebrew. I complained to my mother that he was guilt-tripping me over something they promised would be my decision and they never said another word about it, which, uh. Is how a lot of conversations went when I was 12 through 16, actually.
-Using the small and adorable candles on each table to carefully burn everything in sight (the fake plants on each table; the paper napkins; the bread; the salt.)
-Breaking apart the glowsticks in order to see what was inside, and spilling the glowing liquid all over the tablecloths, fake plants, and paper napkins. Convincing each other it was highly radioactive.
-At the ceremony, receiving several red-and-white flowers to fling at the B’nei Mitzvah once they had officially become an Adult; shredding the flowers and grinding the petals into the newly vacuumed carpet of the synagogue with the heel of your sandal.
-Carefully picking themed music for every person who comes up to light a candle! (Hearing Green Day’s “Extraordinary Girl” when my big brother asked me to come up and light the second-to-last candle at his Bar Mitzvah: highlight of sixth grade.)
-Shuffling up with the rest of the B’nei Mitzvah’s Hebrew School class to mumble the Morning Kiddush over the wine.
-Dutifully making a disgusted face when you drank your first sip of Manischevitz at the Friday night kiddush the night before.
-Dutifully chuckling with the adults at the B’nei Mitzvah’s exaggeratedly disgusted face at their first sip of Manischevitz at the Friday night kiddush the night before.
At the end of the ceremony, as the rest of the congregation does the Aleinu and someone reads out the temple’s upcoming community events for the next week, the rabbi takes you to the back by the Ark, puts her hands on your shoulders, and prays a special blessing over you. I was unprepared for this, and when Rabbi Mates-Muchin put her hands on my shoulders, I thought we were doing a football huddle and put my hands on her shoulders. She was very pregnant and I was very nervous.
Also, I wanted the DJs to bring those large inflatable shoes to my party so that I could take off my shoes and walk around in inflatable shoes for the rest of the night, but they said they’d discontinued the inflatable shoes. In favor of, what, the inflatable guitars? What is the world coming to.
I just ugly-laughed at that at work. So many memories! Why do they think it’s a good idea to give tablefuls of 13-year-olds fire?
“(Hearing Green Day’s “Extraordinary Girl” when my big brother asked me to come up and light the second-to-last candle at his Bar Mitzvah: highlight of sixth grade.)” THAT IS SO SWEET
Huh, I recognize very few of these from the dozen bar and bat mitzvahs I attended in the mid-to-late 90s in Los Angeles. Am I too old, or too West Coast, or both?
Oh, man, I went to a Jewish sleepaway camp in the DMV area in the early 2000s. All the cool girls gave out personalized hospital scrubs.
I was shaking my head, muttering “what the heck kind of bar and bat mitvahs did this person go to?”, until I got to Coke and Pepsi. I honestly do not remember if it happened at mine, but I know it happened at almost every single one I went to.
Apparently none of these had been invented in the early 80s.
My brother and I spent a great deal of time trying to explain the candle lighting ceremony to his religious wife. I'm pretty sure she still doesn't understand. How could she? IT MAKES NO SENSE.
Your party sounds amazing. Klezmer bands are now so hip it hurts
THE LAST ONE THO. WERE YOU THERE FOR MY CHILDHOOD?
I used to be a banquet server at a country club, and we would host one or two of these a month. Apparently, one of the other hallmarks is pre-teen boys hitting on the bored, college-aged servers.
Once, I was asked "Hey baby, can I put some meat in your taco?" by a small child.
Westchester in the mid-2000s. I identify with this SO MUCH. Every point.
I was startled (then pleased) to see my name appear in this piece. Which is hilarious.