Every English Novel Ever -The Toast

1. God, We Used To Have Money

2. The Corporal Displayed Unspecified Moral Laxity

3. An Unsuccessful Trip To The Sea-Side

4. A Cold Collation And A Game Of Cards

5. Yes But The Shock Would Kill Her

6. She’s Very Close To Being In Our Class But Isn’t Quite And That’s Terrible

7. The Bishop Frowned

8. The Garden Party Is Cancelled

9. Is Tibby Back Yet?

10. Let’s All Agree Never To Tell Him

11. Let’s Do Go To Italy, I So Long To See Italy

12. That Sort Of Thing Doesn’t Interest Me Much, I Assure You

13. Fraught Seating Arrangements

14. Oh, Honestly Charles

15. No One Goes Motoring After All

16. We Can’t Possibly Have Them Over For Dinner; The Last Time They Were Here We Had Money

17. “I Wish Her Every Happiness”

18. Then The War Came

Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.

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+78 Vote up Vote down

ArsenioB_Ham 125p · 565 weeks ago

We Thought S/He Was Dead, But It Turns Out S/He Wasn't

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+62 Vote up Vote down

canadienne · 565 weeks ago

EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS IS GRIEVOUSLY ACCURATE AND IT WARMS THE COCKLES OF MY FICKLE HEART.

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+185 Vote up Vote down

hurdyburdy 150p · 565 weeks ago

A Shipwreck Upends a Gentlemen's Prospects

A Charming Cad Beguiles an Innocent Lady

Stoicism

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+28 Vote up Vote down

angryporcupine 113p · 565 weeks ago

Between this and the Jane Austen post I am going to be bursting into random giggles for days. Fraught Seating Arrangements!!

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+49 Vote up Vote down

wrappedupinbooks 109p · 565 weeks ago

I noticed that one of the books advertised on the toast was available on kindle from my library, so I decided to borrow it AND IT READS JUST LIKE A MALLORY SATIRE I had to keep checking and reassuring myself that it was a serious effort and not just 300 pages of toast long con.

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4 replies · active 565 weeks ago

+163 Vote up Vote down

anninyn 124p · 565 weeks ago

'The Secret Is He Was Illegitimate'
'Someone Did A Lot Of Crime. Turns Out They Were Foreign.'
'Despair And Totalitarianism And Rain-Washed Streets'

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6 replies · active 565 weeks ago

+16 Vote up Vote down

contrarianbear 110p · 565 weeks ago

Someone forward this to Michael Gove stat!

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+9 Vote up Vote down

canadienne · 565 weeks ago

EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS IS GRIEVOUSLY ACCURATE AND WARMS THE COCKLES OF MY FICKLE HEART.

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1 reply · active 565 weeks ago

+196 Vote up Vote down

jenvega 135p · 565 weeks ago

"And Then She Was Wrongly Institutionalized"
"Marrying for Money Was Perhaps a Mistake"
"I Never Will Desert Mr. Micawber/Bill Sikes/My Otherwise Awful Spouse/My Worthless Son"
"Incredibly Subtle Homosexual Longing"
"Comically Obfuscating Situations Could Be Worked Out if Everyone Just Talked to Each Other But We Can't Because We're English"

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6 replies · active 565 weeks ago

+28 Vote up Vote down

Girl Named Jack 117p · 565 weeks ago

I would very much enjoy a version of this devoted entirely to British Mystery Novels, please.

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3 replies · active 565 weeks ago

+127 Vote up Vote down

Rosie 86p · 565 weeks ago

"They Had Lived on the Estate Their Whole Lives, But a Distant Male Relative Would Now Inherit It"

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+58 Vote up Vote down

jhsaxena 136p · 565 weeks ago

Unexpected News

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+144 Vote up Vote down

jenvega 135p · 565 weeks ago

Um, I can't stop.
"Probably Nothing Happened, but Her Honour is Now Compromised Forever"
"It Could Be A Ghost, Not Sure"
"Rich White Male Nostalgia For Times Past"*
"Making Bad Decisions Because: Honour!"

*Also works for many other genres.

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+171 Vote up Vote down

Sean_Sullivan 142p · 565 weeks ago

"The Vicar Who Is Never Actually Seen Doing His Job"
"Our School Days Were Rather Jolly, Despite All the Thrashings"
"Phonetic Dialect: The Novel"
"700 Years Ago A Norman Lord Entailed His Manor And Lands To A Single Male Heir To Prevent The Dissipation Of His House And Now It's All A Bit Of A Bother"

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1 reply · active 565 weeks ago

+55 Vote up Vote down

testingwithfire 98p · 565 weeks ago

"Oh, Honestly Charles"

I nearly had an aneurysm. Forwarded article to the whole world.

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1 reply · active 565 weeks ago

+80 Vote up Vote down

sneakergaze 132p · 565 weeks ago

I Liked the Colin Firth Version Best

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+4 Vote up Vote down

Intterrobanged · 565 weeks ago

Yes, perfect.

Dear Toasties, if one has never read Jeeves and Wooster, where should one start?

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7 replies · active 563 weeks ago

+58 Vote up Vote down

Rosie_M_Banks 124p · 565 weeks ago

"Don't Speak; I Know What You're Thinking*"

*Even Though I Am Unable To Look Directly At You For Fear Of Scandal

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+83 Vote up Vote down

osutein 136p · 565 weeks ago

"A subtle suggestion that sexual intercourse may have occurred, and now everything has come undone."

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2 replies · active 557 weeks ago

+74 Vote up Vote down

m98widow 112p · 565 weeks ago

"Oh, Honestly Charles," also works for the thousands and thousands of pages of X-Men pages of Professor X/Magneto slash being furiously typed as we speak.

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14 replies · active 565 weeks ago

+66 Vote up Vote down

gavinbyrnes 143p · 565 weeks ago

"Is That The New Servant? He Looks A Bit Dodgy"

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+71 Vote up Vote down

osutein 136p · 565 weeks ago

"It turns out we're all related to each other, and are due to inherit a modest fortune."

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+80 Vote up Vote down

egrain 114p · 565 weeks ago

"He picked up such un-Godly habits in India."

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1 reply · active 565 weeks ago

+48 Vote up Vote down

meetapossum 110p · 565 weeks ago

A Tragedy on the Moors

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+4 Vote up Vote down

twobluebikes 77p · 565 weeks ago

Giggling like a crazy woman. This made my morning. Don't ever stop.

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+19 Vote up Vote down

vmartinipie 113p · 565 weeks ago

A Proper Cuppa Fixes All, Or At Least Puts a Band-Aid Over It

(have found this to be true)

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1 reply · active 565 weeks ago

+14 Vote up Vote down

thezlot 120p · 565 weeks ago

IS TIBBY BACK YET?

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+39 Vote up Vote down

SarcasticFringehead 113p · 565 weeks ago

His Faithful Retainer Was His Illegitimate Cousin All Along

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+61 Vote up Vote down

Household_Opera 104p · 565 weeks ago

Gothic/supernatural fiction version:

She Brought Scandal to the House and Now Her Ghost Makes Things Awkward
Probably Better to Just Leave That Manuscript Alone
Beware Sketchy Italian Noblemen
A Spirit Wants You to be a Better Person

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+36 Vote up Vote down

logicbutton 128p · 565 weeks ago

Personally, I think Wilkie Collins would have enjoyed the Toast.

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1 reply · active 565 weeks ago

+77 Vote up Vote down

germanrocketcat 110p · 565 weeks ago

A Trip To The Seaside, Where It Is Still Rainy But Slightly Ocean-ier
An Old Army Friend Is In Trouble
I Hear Things Are Different In India
How Uncouth To Be Murdered On The Train

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+41 Vote up Vote down

Brunhildenburg 92p · 565 weeks ago

Are you sure this isn't just a list of Morrissey songs?

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1 reply · active 565 weeks ago

+81 Vote up Vote down

Mephyle · 565 weeks ago

At last we have talked to each other. Now we are engaged.

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+32 Vote up Vote down

literaltrousersnake · 565 weeks ago

do scottish ones next
Whisky and Scandal
James You Musn't
What Will The Neighbours Think
Fife

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+38 Vote up Vote down

theharpoon 112p · 565 weeks ago

I think we also need "Every English Crime Procedural Ever" which could start with: 1. At Least Four People Will Die Before the Murderer is Caught, 2. The Protagonist Will Be Constantly Plagued With Meddling and Incompetent Superiors and Subordinates, 3. It Is Very Sunny in England, Didn't You Know, 4. Everyone in This Village is Having at Least One Affair

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1 reply · active 544 weeks ago

+31 Vote up Vote down

Nausikaa · 565 weeks ago

You want to marry your deceased wife's sister. Depending on the time period, this may be a problem.

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+18 Vote up Vote down

deliciousrecoil 86p · 565 weeks ago

We must never speak of this again!

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+63 Vote up Vote down

Ruby · 565 weeks ago

The Young Lady Lost Her Temper and Will Never Be Married Now
A Description of the Countryside
Poor People Are Charming but Horrible
The City is Filthy
Someone Has Laughed and Must Be Ostracized
A Rich Person Lacks Good Taste
Knitting

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1 reply · active 562 weeks ago

+14 Vote up Vote down

catfoodhairnets · 565 weeks ago

"Comically Obfuscating Situations Could Be Worked Out if Everyone Just Talked to Each Other But We Can't Because We're English" = Hugh Grant

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1 reply · active 562 weeks ago

+29 Vote up Vote down

Dennis · 565 weeks ago

"It's all rather confusing. Everyone appears to have talked to the victim in the ten minutes around when we think the murder took place"
"You mean I'm on holiday with a famous private detective? Time to do that murder I always planned"
"Wait, the murderer is was look-alike son / brother / bastard all along. If you'd shown me a picture I wouldn't have had to read the last 250 pages"

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+77 Vote up Vote down

ginthirty 129p · 565 weeks ago

Moor Money, Moor Problems
...And That's Why I Shan't Go to the River Again
Wales Is Rather Odd
Whist

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+39 Vote up Vote down

NP-Complete · 565 weeks ago

I Can't Bear For Them To See Us In Such Reduced Circumstances
The Most Glittering Season Since the War
It Was His Sad Duty to Marry a Rich American

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+32 Vote up Vote down

headfullofhoney 121p · 565 weeks ago

Not Since The Accident
Cousin Incest
Slightly Soiled Gloves: The Deepest Shame

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1 reply · active 564 weeks ago

+18 Vote up Vote down

Liesa Gonzalez · 564 weeks ago

Things Like That Are Not Done in the North

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1 reply · active 561 weeks ago

+8 Vote up Vote down

akabrinley · 564 weeks ago

And we all marry into money even if we marry for love.

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+9 Vote up Vote down

Maryaed 109p · 564 weeks ago

Needs more Trollope.

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0 Vote up Vote down

Mary · 564 weeks ago

TIBBY!

"Is Tibby ill?"
"What's the matter? Is Tibby ill?"

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+16 Vote up Vote down

HariboLector 95p · 562 weeks ago

She Is Adamantly Opposed To Ever Marrying; Until She Changes Her Mind

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+9 Vote up Vote down

Middlebrow · 562 weeks ago

We keep our crazy relatives in the attic.
Behind the false bookshelf is a passageway into the priest's hiding place.
Beware of rural England -- it is dripping with highly-sexed men named Seth and Rubin.

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