Previously in The Toast’s EU Coverage: The Expanded Universe, A Eulogy.
This is the type of post that will either appeal to you completely, to the deepest depths of your person, or not at all. In either case, I make no apologies for it. Let us begin with Timothy Zahn.
Everything begins with Timothy Zahn.
Leaving aside the fact that we’re going to see a lot of Han/Leia/Luke poses that are clearly lifted from memorable scenes in Return of the Jedi, it is RIDICULOUS that Joruus C’Baoth — a Tier-III Villain and a half-assed Khan cipher if ever I saw one — gets big, shirtless top billing, while Admiral Thrawn (ADMIRAL THRAWN) is barely drawn larger than a Stormtrooper.
“Hey, what are you reading there?”
“Oh, it’s the Joruus C’Baoth trilogy.”
“The what?”
“The Thrawn trilogy.”
“Why on earth didn’t you say that to begin with?”
NO ONE REMEMBERS JORUUS C’BAOTH, IS WHAT I’M TRYING TO SAY.
At least Thrawn is holding a gun this time, so we have a vague idea that he’s connected to the military, somehow. I don’t know who Luke is menacing with that lightsaber. I — look, I understand that the fundamental tension on all EU covers (and probably within the texts, too) is between giving space to the newer storylines while reminding readers who might not be super-familiar with the EU canon that their favorite characters from the movie still exist, so I get that there was probably a meeting where someone said “Han has to be pointing a blaster on every single cover, regardless of what role, if any, he plays during the plot” but I really think it’s bullshit that Pellaeon doesn’t make it onto a single Thrawn trilogy cover.
NOW THRAWN ISN’T EVEN ON THE COVER. THIS IS THE THRAWN TRILOGY. NOT THE JORUUS C’BAOTH TRILOGY. COVER YOUR TORSO, OLD MAN. WRAP YOUR SHITTY JEDI BATHROBE ABOUT YOUR WIZENED OLD CHEST IN A MANNER BECOMING AN INSANE CLONE.
Also, Luke looks twelve here. Garbage.
THIS IS HOW YOU PUT THRAWN ON THE COVER OF AN EU NOVEL: HIS GLOWING RED ALL-SEEING EYES DOMINATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING. Also, Mara Jade’s hair looks so much better here than it did in The Last Command. It only took about ten years, but they finally got it right.
I might as well come out right now and say that I am an UNABASHED I, Jedi fan. Stackpole was right to retcon the Jedi Academy trilogy, and who better to do it with than a blonde Han Solo analogue? It is only fitting that Luke looks puffy and aged in this close-up. You should have let the New Republic try Kyp Durron for war crimes, Luke.
Okay, can we acknowledge that fucking of course every few hundred years there are massive purges of the Jedi by whatever galactic government happens to be in place at the time? It’s an elite, shadowy religious caste with absolutely no oversight that happens to run its own clerical courts. Jedi are completely exempt from civil and criminal proceedings. Kyp Durron BLEW UP THE CARIDA SYSTEM — Moff Tarkin couldn’t even manage to blow up a system! MOFF TARKIN! — and the New Republic just handed him off to his mentor and said “We’re sure you’ll think of an appropriate punishment.”
For a real-world version, imagine that some young Ba’hai adherent blew up Mars for personal reasons (which, for the sake of argument, is full of human people) and whatever New World Order is running Earth handed him over to Rainn Wilson (did you know Rainn Wilson is Ba’hai? He is!) and asked him to handle it.
PURGE THE JEDI. Or at the very least, make them serve on juries and beholden to intergalactic criminal law.
Daala! Oh, Daala. How could anyone with such a sensible braid be such a poor tactician?
I do not understand what is happening with Luke’s face here.
Nor here! But there’s Han again, pointing his trusty blaster, reminding us that he’s a cool space pirate who likes to shoot at things.
WERE YOU TRYING TO LOSE A “DRAWING LUKE SKYWALKER’S FACE” CONTEST
Shut up, I loved this cover. Those stupid flare-y stars, the luminous, rainbow-haired Hot Chick face, Luke’s eyeliner, Leia’s battle gear, the…are those Tusken Raiders? I don’t remember them in this book, but whatever. A+ cover.
Things It Would Have Been More Thematically Compelling To Feature On The Cover Than Two Imperial Guardsmen:
- Admiral Daala
- Durga the Hutt
- The actual Darksaber
- Bevel Lemelisk just getting murdered over and over again
- Literally any character with a speaking role in this book
Also perfect. Just crowded enough.
NOW THAT IS HOW YOU DESIGN A SHADOWS OF THE EMPIRE COVER. Prince Xizor was a terrible character — maybe the most terrible of EU characters — and he looks completely accurate on the front cover. You look at that guy and you think, oh yeah, that’s a sleek-skinned green sexual predator, and you’re right.
You either think that giant background skulls on book covers are a good idea or a bad idea, and nothing I can say will change your mind. (I like them, but I still think Kueller should have made the cover instead.)
Man, I don’t know. Out of all the New Republic characters to include on the cover with the Big Three, you went with Borsk Fey’lya, Leia’s scheming political rival who is also a cat-goat? No Thrawn? No Mara Jade? WHAT DOES GILAD PELLAEON HAVE TO DO TO APPEAR ON A SINGLE COVER? Is being MASTER OF THE IMPERIAL REMNANT NOT GOOD ENOUGH?
WHERE ARE THE SSI-RUUK WHERE IS DEV SIBWARRA WHERE ARE GAERIEL CAPTISON’S TWO DIFFERENTLY-COLORED EYES I GET THAT THIS WAS 1993 BUT ZAHN MANAGED TO GET C’BAOTH A COVER BACK IN ’91, FUCKING ADVOCATE FOR YOUR ORIGINAL CHARACTERS, TYERS
This is just lazy. It’s the four main characters from the films (that pose/coloration of Leia is clearly from the scene in The Empire Strikes Back when she tells Han she loves him just before he’s frozen in Cloud City), plus the outline of a Stormtrooper and some stars in the background. It’s a fitting cover for The Crystal Star, I guess, because that book sucked, but it’s hardly conduct befitting an Expanded Universe novel.
FUCKING BULLSHIT. I mean, I love a blown-up version of Carrie Fisher with sex hair and a huge, poufy eighties-style wedding gown as much as the next girl, but this lacks camp, and if there was one thing The Courtship of Princess Leia had in spades, it was CAMP.Where is Teneniel Djo? Where is Ta’a Chume (who I always imagine being played by Joan Collins in her prime)?
The Hapes Consortium is a 63-world cluster run by the misandrist descendants of space pirates; Prince Isolder is a Fabio stand-in who’s too beefcake-y to realize all of his older brothers have been murdered by the Queen Mother, Han wins a planet in a sabaac game, then kidnaps Leia and is captured by a bunch of sexy, all-female Force witches who ride rancors and are engaged in a deadly battle with the NIGHTSISTERS. That’s campier than a My Little Pony-themed drag show.
Tags: book covers, books, civil liberties, retcons, star wars expanded universe, thrawn, timothy zahn
this is the best thing to happen to me all year
Mallory, if you wrote about the Star Wars EU every day I would read and comment on all of it because I love Star Wars that much.
Joan Collins as Ta’a Chume HOLY SHIT.
ok that means Isolder is played by Dolph Lundgren in HIS prime. with an awesome mullet, natch. Fabio doesn’t have enough charm.
(yeah I scrolled down immediately for Courtship because Courtship is flawless)
I can’t believe I still haven’t read The Courtship of Princess Leia*. That description makes it NECESSARY.
* Or, to be fair, most of these books. Oops.
It’s as epic as it sounds. You should totally read it.
The worst thing about this article is that it ended too soon. So many more EU covers to skewer!
The best thing about this post is “Cat-Goat”.
Bounty Hunters / Rogue Squadron or is that a whole other post?
Rogue/Wraith Squadron covers are generally just a cool X-wing battle scene, right? Hard to argue with that.
The only sad thing about it is we never get pics of Wedge or Jansen or any of the other pilots.
Hypothesis: All Luke Skywalker appearances on EU covers are actually repurposed Jensen Ackles fan art.
And now it’s all completely moot. I saved a lot of time by not reading these. Or watching the prequels. Or going outside for most of the 90s.
Why is it that not one of the covers can get Carrie Fisher’s face right? At least Ford and Hamill are mostly recognizable.
In the 80’s bridal one she looks more like Liz Taylor…
I dunno, like half of these have Hamill’s face looking like freshly post-car accident
At least the faces on the Truce at Bakura cover are recognizable. Years of exposure to EU cover art have worn my standards down to the point where “Luke Skywalker actually kinda resembles Luke Skywalker” is all I really ask.
Oh Mallory, would that we could have been friends as teens (or even IRL)!! This was a lightning-quick acid trip through my early adolescence and I am strangely emotional about it. Also, the CAMP of ‘Courtship’ is legendary. I don’t know a cover could ever do it justice.
That last one looks like Leia stole Sarah’s dress from the fever-dream in Labyrinth.
I agree completely with everything in this post.
You, madam, are livin’ the dream.
PRINCE XIZOR… the only Star Wars character who needs a trigger warning.
PRINCE XIZOR… has sex with a robot.
PRINCE XIZOR… lived in a space station, even though all Star Wars space stations get blown up.
PRINCE XIZOR… is the god damn worst.
I said it in a reply on the last EU post, but — Prince Xizor played a not-insignificant role in my sexual awakening. I had a thing for rapey lizard men that has, thank goodness, not carried over into my grown-up tastes.
I read all of these about 15 years ago, and he is literally the only thing I have more than a vague memory of. There’s a bit where he eats a fruit that’s clearly based on fugu (that Japanese blowfish) because it needs to be prepared precisely right or it’s deadly poisonous, and that’s why he likes it. Little Maybelle thought that was hot.
He traumatized me to the point where I mostly can’t *stand* lizard-man sex in sci-fi. The only book that contains lizard-man sex that didn’t make want to hurl from the memory of Shadows of the Empire is The Stars Change, and only because it is [spoilers] tender companion gay sex[/spoilers].
I had to skip down here after the Thrawn trilogy to say that I thought Thrawn was the shirtless guy. I’ve read these books a few (COUGH lots more) times, and literally never noticed the guy with the gun.
Also, now I must read these again, because they were actually the first sci-fi books I ever read.
I agree as well. Also, where the frell are the Noghri? They’re kind of an important plot point. Couldn’t Khabarakh fit on the DFR cover?
I hope when I let my mom donate my collection of these to the local library book sale, some tiny nerd’s heart exploded with joy. Also, was there one where Leia is like in this castle and there’s these bugs everywhere and she’s sick and being treated by a doctor that turns out to be a giant bug himself? Because I maybe blame that story for a number of related phobias.
I sold my collection to a friend whose then-fiance now-husband and stepson love Star Wars. It wasn’t just books: I had toys, magazines, newspaper clippings, everything.
There’s a whole EU trilogy about bugs!! It’s called the Dark Nest trilogy and it’s all about how the main character’s children’s YV war PTSD has manifested in a weird mind meld that these bugs take advantage of for orgies??? I read them when I was 13 it’s all fuzzy
I’ve lurked here for weeks and am delurking to say, YES, it was Planet of Twilight, and I know EXACTLY what you mean. People that turn into bugs. And then drink your bodily fluids. *shudder*
I’ve read zero of these EU books but I will read every single thing you write about them, Mallory, because I love your love of them.
I didn’t know that Thrawn was BLUE until wayyyy after I read the books. Because he’s white on the damn covers.
Also, this cover of COPL features a damn rancor–the dathomarian witches’ beast of burden–but not the ladies. It seems this cover was designed after a ROTJ-art fire sale. http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51D2GQ6S6TL…
Courtship of Princess Leia: the only EU cover SO TERRIBLE they ended up redoing it completely.
Can you please just do a spinoff of the Toast completely dedicated to Expanded Universe or “Legends” or “Good Star Wars” or whatever we’re allowed to call the EU these days? PAGEVIEWS OUT THE WAZOO
“a bunch of sexy, all-female Force witches who ride rancors and are engaged in a deadly battle with the NIGHTSISTERS”
THAT SOUNDS AMAZING. How the hell have I not read this?
My education was a sham 🙁
I’m one of those annoying SW fans who snubbed the EU (“only the films are canon” I once said), but I am having very conflicting feelings now given the attention Mallory has given it here. Also any snobbery about the EU doesn’t stand up too well given the uneven quality of more recent films.
BUT on a side note I just discovered today that Steve Sansweet LIVES IN PETALUMA and opened a museum of his collection THAT YOU CAN VISIT and Steve will MEET YOU AND SHOW YOU HIS TOYS!!!! I will be recruiting Toasties for a field trip at the party tonight.
I discovered the EU in the best possible way. I was about 9 and obsessed with Star Wars and my mom and I were traveling out of town for some reason. We went into a book store that was having an anniversary party and my mom entered a bunch of the draws. And she won a door prize of The Crystal Star! And I begged to be allowed to read it and I think she gave it a cursory glance to make sure there was no sex or violence and went, “Ok, sure”. And then I told a kid on the playground that I was reading a Star Wars book and she made fun of me so much that I was glad I was homeschooled where kids were excepting of each others’ nerdiness.
Oops, that was way longer than I intended. Apparently I have a lot of feels about these books!
Where do I apply to be a Force witch who rides a rancor?
time travel back to the late nineties and the AOL chatrooms where that was my fave thing to play in online roleplaying games where we still used things like :: :: and described our characters through ENORMOUS AIM PROFILES.
Have I read all of these? Yes. Yes, I have.
But somehow I remember my childhood copy of COPL being different? Better check it out from the library. Because research.
There should be a follow-up for the Young Jedi Knights books, I remember those being equally ridiculous.
Tenel Ka was the Worst Character Ever.
WOAH WOAH WOAH THERE
i was hoping someone would do a Jaina/Tenel Ka femslash friday and in fact discussed this through the interwebs where I discovered many cool people I know enjoy the EU.
I… would read that.
But I distinctly remember a sense of burning embarrassment every time she said “A. Ahah.” It was so clumsy!
oh man this is making me want to read the EU stuff I missed
I can’t do this I am an Adult I have Serious Literature to read
oh man
Oh god seriously this has been an ongoing problem for me lately. I never really cared about the EU but now that it’s been totally wiped out by Disney I’m like “CRAP I WANT TO READ THEM ALL.”
Never stop writing about the Star Wars EU, please. Every one of these posts water my poor withered soul.
My working hypothesis is that if Luke Skywalker is ever drawn properly the universe will end.
Karen Traviss does the best SW EU novels ever. Jedi aren’t perfect good guys, the Republic is corrupt and the clones are a slave army of pretty decent chaps. She has a young jedi leave the order to run off with a lovable band of renegade clones and a cranky old drill sergeant and they have adventures, until some of them die. I wept.
(Admittedly I’ve only read her Republic Commando {prequel} series, so I can’t comment on the others, but her devotion to the Mandalorians means I think she probably handled Boba Fett better than anyone ever could.)
The rainbow haired glowy-chick on Children of Jedi’s cover was the beginning of my queer awakening (god, i remember her name still– Callista).
Also, happily, my dad loaded Photoshop on our family computer right about the time when my older sister and I started writing our own SW EU fanfic novel. We spent so many hours learning how to use the burn tool to make our own glowy-faced ladies and I even hand-painted a lightsaber wielding silhouette, standing on top of some Chichen Itza inspired structure for it.
tl;dr we were homeschooled.
But what about the only Star Wars novels I have ever read: the Han Solo Trilogy? I read them at the behest of my girlfriend. They were pretty good!
My ex had a life-size cardboard cutout of Boba Fett in his basement. I guess I have a type.
This is great, but now I want a post on the Jedi Apprentice/Jedi Quest/Last of the Jedi covers, a. BECAUSE THOSE BOOKS RULE and b. because those series necessitated making stock photos look vaguely like young Ewan McGregor and Hayden Christensen and they were universally terrible. I think one of them had a floating/glowing crown over Photoshop Liam Neeson? I remember that pretty clearly even though the context escapes me.
(Yeah the only EU series I really loved/cared about are apparently some of the least popular, but surely someone out there read them, right? The Toast seems like a good place to ask!)
This is great, but now I want a post on the Jedi Apprentice/Jedi Quest/Last of the Jedi covers, a. BECAUSE THOSE BOOKS RULE and b. because those series necessitated making stock photos look vaguely like young Ewan McGregor and Hayden Christensen and they were universally terrible. I think one of them had a floating/glowing crown over Photoshop Liam Neeson? I remember that pretty clearly even though the context escapes me.
I’m not Baha’i, but I would trust Rainn Wilson to give me a fair trial if I were accused of blowing up a Mars full of people.
This has made my entire night, you don’t even know. Mara Jade 4-EVER.
OMG there are people who UNDERSTAND. Mara Jade and her high sassy ponytails were IT for me as a lonely pre-teen geek. I had the best time reading over these, I was HOWLING.
I’ve never been interested in reading EU, but after reading that description & learning that my Jersey boyfriend has a copy of Courtship of Princess Leia RIGHT HERE, I guess that’s what I’m reading now.
I've never been interested in reading EU, but after reading that description & learning that my Jersey boyfriend has a copy of Courtship of Princess Leia RIGHT HERE, I guess that's what I'm reading now.
I am sad that the Han Solo Trilogy hasn’t gotten a mention yet, even in comments. When forced to go through my childhood bookcases, I only kept tree-copies of COPL (different cover) and the Han Solo Trilogy.
I loved the Han Solo trilogy! For some reason the rest of the EU slid right off my radar, but Han and Chewie adventures? Yes plz.
I know that I was SUPER into the Star Wars EU as a young teen and I KNOW that I have read MOST of the books featured in this post but lord help me I can’t remember a damn thing about any of them.
Ok that is not quite true. I do remember Admiral Thrawn and that he was blue and he had pet lizards (?) that make the Force not work and they were named Sturm and Drang. I also remember Mara Jade. That’s about it. I certainly don’t remember this Joruus C’Boath character although I feel the urge to congratulate him on being so tremendously ripped at his age. Those abs! Dude must have been doing Pilates ALLLLLLLLL day.
I also remember a book where Luke fell in love with… a ghost? A computer ghost? Like a ghost that lived in the computer of a spaceship? And I think they had sex in a dream or something? Does this ring a bell? Is she the glowing chick on Children of the Jedi perhaps? Seems like a likely candidate for a dream sex computer ghost.
Admiral Thrawn had the lizard-sloths (ysalamir) that turned off the Force and Mara Jade’s employer, Karrde, had the pet wolf-things (vornskyrs) that hunted the lizards, and also I think tried to eat Luke. I didn’t get the Sturm and Drang joke until I was waaaaaay older.
Yep, Callista first showed up in Children of the Jedi. I had forgotten that she started out in a computer. That whole trilogy– Children of the Jedi, Darksaber, Planet of the Twilight– was a little weird.
Now is probably not the time to mention that I had such the crush on Kyp Durron when I was twelve, attempted genocide and all.
Ahhh I’m so late to this post, but I needed to mention that this is what the cover of MY copy of The Courtship of Princess Leia looks like, which was extremely exciting and intriguing to me as a child:
I laughed until I puked. Thank you for this most excellent article.
I read a couple of the the new Jedi Force books when I was a kid, and I didn’t know it was a long reaching series, so I was constantly asking myself questions. Why is jacen such a preachy drip? Does Jaina ever get to do anything? Will Anakin please STFU about his name? Shoes are a great thing, why doesn’t tahiri wear some? WHY ISN’T KYP IN PRISON??? CHEWY DIED ???!!!!!
What I want: Two Jedi Knights Invent Star Wars Expanded Universe Covers. Like the monks.
this is so awesome. I could read these all day every day of every EU book cover, comic book cover etc for all eternity
Okay, let’s be clear, the worst EU character of all was…. Lowbacca. Yes, Lowie, who just happened to be Chewie’s nephew and Force sensitive. The most contrived of all characters, just an excuse to give the Solo kids a small wookie of their own to accompany on their adventures.