I KNOW YOU WROTE IT. Don’t lie to me. Don’t you dare look at me and try to tell me you never wrote any. Tell me about it. Make a burner account if you have to, but I want to know. At the Vancouver meetup last night one of our Toasties was too BASHFUL to tell me what they’d written as a teen, so I had to get things started by confessing first:
AT LEAST TWO PARODY FAN FICTIONS OF OTHER FAN FICTIONS for Canada’s short-lived half-hour male version of Buffy The Vampire Slayer, Big Wolf on Campus (the greatest show in the world), age 11-13
A fan fiction about PEOPLE DYING on Smallville that plagiarized heavily from Good Omens (!) and East of Eden (!!!), age 14
I think that’s it but I MIGHT have written one about Hanson, I can’t recall
These fics are gone now. I deleted them from ff.net sometime in my sophomore year out of a belated sense of self-preservation. I would give untold riches to see them again, and to see if they were as funny as I believed them to be at the time. I like to think that they were. I like to think that the ocean will be as blue as my dreams. I hope.
Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.