How To Dress For Work

by Mallory Ortberg · August 28, 2014

science

thinking linen

science2

wonder jumpsuit

science4

weather tank and tactical water

Screen Shot 2014-08-28 at 8.45.00 AM

science cape

science3

all-bitch pantsuit

science5

medicine hat

science8

fighting circle

science11

hobblin’ dress

science7

medicine hat, part 2

science9

a sexy horse

science12

knife dress

science15

thorn hat and body of crows

science14

a man who is always biting you

science13

cigar + vest + crimping

science10

choking trousers

science6

Independence Braid

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132 Comments

  2. rkfire +49

    A lot of times I start with “what covers my body with minimal work?” and go from there.

  3. EPWordsnatcher +95

    Today I am wearing my warmth cardigan along with my comfort sports bra. And my these-are-the-only-clean-pants-that-don’t-have-holes-in-them-jeans.

    And, y’know, my bitchface. Never leave home without it.

    1. megmuoio +16

      The best accessory is a stank-face expression that tells those around you to stand back.

    2. hugpunch +10

      Comfort sports bra + I-might-have-to-go-to-a-farm jeans and boots + I-like-my-necklace burgundy v-neck T-shirt = Thursday for hugpunch.

    3. blushingflower +6

      Today is a “you’re lucky on put on clothes and came to work” outfit. Which is jeans, sandals and a Target v-neck tee. Because I woke up in a hotel yesterday after a crap night of sleep, flew home, arrived at my house around 9:00 and then got a migraine.

  6. CaptainNancy +36

    What about Ripped Inner Thigh Jeans? I mean I would rather be wearing Choking Trousers, but the store was all out.

  8. LeastBittern +143

    People always talk up the body of crows as something that “Works for All Body Types!” by they never include any fucking links to sites selling one that isn’t, you know, a cheap raven knockoff.

    1. rkfire +20

      whoa whoa whoa, ravens are definitely the luxury version. don’t you diss ravens!

      blackbirds < crows < ravens

      1. LeastBittern +49

        Jesus, I’ll bet you like collies over labs too.

        Look, some of us have things to do in the body of crows outfit, and we don’t need super fucking intelligent organisms fighting our desire to pluck the eyes out of men who have wronged us just because ONE RAVEN might die. I personally like to be smarter than the sum intelligence of my outfit, and with ravens that just isn’t happening.

        Next you’ll suggest feeding them fermented berries or gently concussing them every morning, but we all know how that ends up; you send your spleen and uvula to go shit all over the car of some prick who talked over you in a meeting, and they manage to crap all over the car of Karen from HR; Karen’s a selkie with a loooong memory, and just like that you can never go swimming again.

        Fucking dilittante avian-hive-mind posers who think body of crows is just for lounging around at cocktail parties; get a job, princess.

        Clearly corvids are better than blackbirds tho.

  10. AmazingSandwich +26

    A cape of science is basically the collision of my career dreams and Middle-earth self-inserts, so sign me up for a fitting.

  13. Currer_Belle +63

    I would wear the sh*t out of medicine hat.

    And they all seem like they would come with stat boosters in the game version:
    -Medicine Hat: +5 to Healing
    -Choking Trousers: +10 to Destruction
    -Hobblin’ Dress: All male opponents are 12% less effective in combat

    2. sprocketwrench59 +36

      Medicine Hat is also a small town in Eastern Alberta, and this is causing me undue amusement

  14. Hththe1st +50

    My dress code is pretty strict at work, but I think I could pull off the man who is always biting me, as long as I left him in the breakroom when I’m in session?

  15. PonyAlong +20

    Sexy Horse….hmmmmm, better get a wardrobe update. All I got is “Roly-Poly Pony”.

    I miss dressing up for work; actually, I miss working, period. But when I do finally land a job, hello my old friends Pencil Skirt and Adorable Booties.

    1. malloryelis +23

      wait is the skull on geena davis’ shirt wearing a confederate flag bandana because I MISSED THAT THE FIRST TIME AROUND

    1. blushingflower +8

      you get a doctoral hood and gown, right? Use the sleeves to tie the gown around your neck. Cape!

        2. tinypaperme +7

          I only bought the tam. “Humanities tam” doesn’t have the same ring as “science cape.”

    2. aqueousmedium +32

      Hold out for the cape! Don’t let them try to foist you with a postdoc bolero jacket. That sucker never falls right.

      1. ppyajunebug +4

        Thanks for the warning- how dare they try to trick us into taking a bolero jacket when there are capes to sweep around in?

  19. perianwen +6

    I could really use that fighting circle, if it will take the heads off those who are not fit to work here.

    1. Amelia +22

      Yessssss! My love for Scully is such that I can’t tell if I have a crush on her or just want to be her.

    2. hugpunch +31

      Also, DCI Stella Gibson says helloooo with her silky top and don’t-fuck-with-me face.

      1. scullymurphy +5

        So much love for Stella Gibson. She is my pick for yesterday’s who’s your gender identity question.

  22. Sean_Sullivan +12

    We’ve decoded the signal, Dr. Arroway! It contains 60,000 pages of schematics detailing the construction of some sort of gyroscopic launch system.

    Also, there are sewing patterns for what can only be described as a “wonder jumpsuit.”

  23. citizenchristy +50

    I was going to caption this but I’m having a lot of trouble.

    Explosion of knitwear, perhaps?

      2. ct330 +39

        I couldn’t even see the picture but “magic hat, skirt of friendship” was all I needed to know it was Willow.

    2. moxycrimefighter +82

      The first time I saw HIMYM, I thought, “Alyson Hannigan must be THRILLED to be on a show that doesn’t dress her in Muppet carcasses.”

    3. sunfastrose +9

      My inspiration picture for my first true red hair dye was Willow. And I should mention – that was last week. Willow 4eva.

  24. leslieellenjones +14

    You’ve missed what my friends and I used to call the “Amanda Donohoe Power Suit” from Lair of the White Worm (1988; http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0095488/?ref_=nv_sr_1… incidentally, co-stars the 12th Doctor as a fresh-faced youth), which unfortunately I can’t find a good picture of online: blue all-over body paint, snake fangs, and a strap-on dildo. The perfect ensemble for asking your boss for a raise.

      1. citizenchristy +6

        I always liked the weird strappy thing you could choose as an alternate outfit in 2 and 3.

  27. germanrocketcat +12

    Where is cigar + vest + crimping from? I need to watch it right now. I also need that aesthetic right now. Long live long butch hair.

  28. floridagal1 +6

    Adventure sandals-that-have-a-hiking-shoe-sole, shirt of I Like This Necklace, chinos of It’s Still Summer Dammit, ponytail of I Didn’t Want to Brush My Hair

  31. ct330 +39

    am transfixed by xena’s gauntlet-clad wrist & chakram spinning hand
    have some additional female gaze:

    ETA these because
    a) what even

    b) STAAAAAHP

    and c) I want to amend my gender representation to include everything that is happening here:

    the end

    1. bibliobotic +1

      I do too, that’s what I meant when I answered, that last one. And also the one before it.

  32. DishKit +84

    It always impresses me how quickly Toastrons understand each new game and start playing. A+

  33. Vera_Knoop +28

    Do my Choking Trousers make my Body of Crows look weird? I knew I should have gone for relaxed fit. Oh well, at least my Independence Braid is on point. First day of school, here I come!

    1. LeastBittern +5

      It’s important that you have enough shiny things to distract the crows; either that or a lot of fried chicken to keep them nibbling. Otherwise, everything sounds _perfect_.

  34. deleted6707794 +82

    Put on your Library Science Capes, Bitches. We’re going to motherfuckin’ storytime.

  35. Ellen Fremedon +13

    Pajamas of I Slept Maybe Two Hours Last Night; Mosquito Bites of And This Is Why.

  37. sarapyle +21

    Business Athletic Shorts Stolen From Former Boyfriend Business Baggy Maternity Shirt You Still Wear Because Comfortable Business Forearm Tattoos Business Growing-Out-A-Buzzcut Hair

    Alternately,

  41. dorianjkoeuf +39

    I admire the versatile simplicity of “Knife Dress.” For example, three minutes ago I was wearing a pink dress. Then my male boss called me “toots.”
    I am now wearing a Pink Knife Dress, with matching Hide-The-Body-Under-The-Cubicle shoes…and I didn’t have to change at all.

    1. EPWordsnatcher +17

      you don’t get to find out if I’m wearing a skirt or pants or nothing at all pantsuit, brooch of derision, barely hiding my horns so don’t fuck with me hair.

  44. elisbradshaw +15

    Oh my GOD when I was twelve Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman filmed in the city next to my tiny hometown and my parents took me to look at the set and I got autographs from Jane Seymour and Joe Lando and they are both tiny humans (4’11” and 5’3″, respectively, ish) and that was definitely the highlight of my middle school experience. The end.

  47. vacantmuse +7

    JANEWAY FOR ULTIMATE ALL-BITCH PANTSUIT/WONDER JUMPSUIT HYBRID
    sorry my picshurr link skills fail me rn
    but also, yes, all of this

  50. emjbee +2

    Unikitty is me everyday; hiding my weirdness in business drag. NUMBERS NUMBERS BUSINESS BUSINESS. It is a thin but strangely effective disguise.