Thank you for attempting to contact us with your criticism. Your criticism is a valued part of the creative process here. Unfortunately, we are currently closed to criticism, with no plans to reopen to criticism anytime in the immediate future.
We are closed to both online and in-person criticisms. Please note that calls about the status of your pending criticism will not be answered.
Thank you for your interest in providing us with criticism; we regret being unable to accept it at this or any other time. It is our fondest and best wish that your criticism will find the best possible home elsewhere. We sincerely wish you the best of luck with your criticism.
We are not currently accepting criticisms from your region. We are not able to accept unsolicited criticism due to staff workflow, and will be returning any criticism unopened and unreviewed. We cannot accommodate any drop-ins or phone calls about the status of your particular criticism. Thank you for your patience during this time. We apologize for any inconvenience.
We regret to announce that we cannot keep any of your criticism on file should we become available to criticism again in the future. Unfortunately, we have no way of knowing when or if we will begin accepting criticism again. We are currently unable to answer any questions about our future availability for criticism.
Thanks so much for your criticism! If you are receiving this message, it is because we are closed to any and all incoming criticism and cannot accommodate yours at this time. Please consider sending your criticism elsewhere.
Tags: apologies, criticism, humor
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WHY WON’T YOU DEBATE MEEEEEE
How about some hearty-eyed adulation?
Love you. Love this. Just read the Link Roundup with the little gem from a little creature who will not survive the Misandrist Revolution. Carry on, Mallory and Nicole. Carry on.
BRB changing the voicemail on my work phone.
Making this my email auto response.
But MY criticism is SPECIAL because I AM OBJECTIVE AND RATIONAAAAALLLLLLLL
MY criticism is special because it comes from ME.
I will endeavour to memorize this post, that I may repeat selected excerpts during my employee performance evaluation next month.
#notallcriticism
BUT I JUST WANTED TO EXPLAIN TO YOU THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN NATURE AND MISOGYNY, WHY WON’T YOU LET ME HELP YOU UNDERSTAND
Would it be possible to make a tattoo out of this? I’d be willing to wear backless outfits for the rest of my life to let folks know the deal.
Well actually as I a man I feel that you really ought-
[killed by mob]
I totally just read that as [killed by boob]
Boob mob!
Nipples and areolae are the new pitchforks and torches.
so did i!
The deleted comments section howls for blood, teeth gnashing at its restraints in the ice-storm by Satan’s head, but it cannot be heard because we are not accepting applications for devil’s advocate at this time, which has been clearly marked as “too late.”
UHHHHH is it okay if I print this out on a small, tasteful piece of card stock, to whip from my pocket and present to my Weird Neighbor next time he starts lecturing me about my dog??? I know Scandyhoovian will want a copy as well.
If it’s not okay, flaunt the law and do it anyway (and give me a copy too).
If we do letterpress I’d like six.
Why are you taking that attitude with me? I WAS JUST TRYING TO HELP.
YOU CATCH MORE FLIES WITH HONEY.
And God knows, we all like catching flies.
Really, you catch even MORE flies with a bug zapper, so.
You catch more flies if you’re a spider. You do want to be a spider, don’t you?
Alternate venues for your criticism include:
-The grunting stranger seated on the next bar stool
-The head on your beer
-The bottom of the glass
-A mental health professional with a higher-than-median hourly rate
-A faceless construct in a lucid dream
-Dr. Madden, from the first chapter of George Gissing’s The Odd Women
-A chat-bot designed to sell pagers
-An immortal being of unbounded patience
-A brick wall
-A lake, after jumping into it
-Your own face
“A lake, after jumping into it”
best ever.
Well, what am I supposed to do? You won’t answer my comments, you change your email. I’m not gonna be ignored, Mallory!
Based on this movie and her vocal performance as Homer Simpson’s mother, my late father long campaigned for Glenn Close to become President, including during many non-election years.
Love this so much. I had a pretty terrible experience on another site, a ways back, and honestly all I said was I liked the essay or whatever (it was about Brooklyn or something) and people were mad that I made the comment, maybe it wasn’t smart enough? I guess what I am trying to say (in my un-smart way!) is that I love what you do and that you provide a nice place to chatter with fellow like minded friends.
All the bravas to you.
I don’t like this piece at all and here’s the list of reasons whTRANSMISSION TERMINATED ERROR CODE 0xA782F1 OOPSY-DAISY
M: The Toast seems to be down
Or just way slow
me: hm!
not for me
M: Hmmm
me: it’s because you’re a man
But how am I being sexist? I didn’t even BRING up sexism, YOU did! ThAt MaKeS yOu tHe SeXiSt oNe!!!
I have similar policies regarding guff and sass.
But…but sass is my currency when suddenly confronted by something unpleasant.
You might as well try to pay me in Bitcoin or lire. Sorry, our accounting software just isn’t set up to accept sass today.
Mallory are you a secret GamerGator!?
But. I wasn’t criticizing. I was making an observation.
I spent TIME and ENERGY on that comment and that is legally MONEY DOLLARS GUARANTEED PUBLICATION on the website and article of my choosing, and I choose YOUR website and I WILL NOT BE DENIED. Free speech.
It’s not criticism. It’s a concern.
You guys, I’ve had this site blocked all week so I could get some god damn work done. I have missed you so much.
We missed you too!
Based on this movie and her vocal performance as Homer Simpson's mother, my late father long campaigned for Glenn Close to become President, including during many non-election years.
Bosch WISHES he'd had this list.
We missed you too!
My criticism is different, because I know that I will someday die.
THE FREE MARKET CANNOT BE SILENCED
Despite Its Evident Merit
Submission Guidelines for Rejections from The New Yorker
Dear New Yorker Editors:
Thank you for submitting your recent rejection of our latest submission. Unfortunately, the rejection isn’t right for us at this time, despite its evident merit.
Before submitting a rejection in the future, you might want to familiarize yourself with our Submission Guidelines for rejections:
1.There are only so many chuckles you can get out of making fun of conservative white men who work and have female wives. Open the humor up a little, please. Sometimes it’s actually funny to make sport of people who look or act odd. People who go all crazy-ass on people who eat meat can be really funny.
2.Are all of the published authors of your journal related? We are not suggesting incest-style “related,” but we are suggesting “old boys club, wink-wink, nod-nod, not-if-you-are-a-girl-writer related.” Okay, just had to play the gender card. You guys are liberals, right?
3.Evident merit comes in many sizes. Despite its evident merit, a rejection should evidence sufficient merit or it will not be right for us at this time.
Thank you for allowing us to consider your rejection.
Best regards,
Rejected Writers Everywhere
BRB gettin' out mah prunin' shears