How To Look Your Best At Any Age: Maiden, Mother, or Crone -The Toast

Your body is a gift from the Triune Mother, and no matter which stage of Finding Your Womanhood you’re at, you owe it to her to treat that gift with respect and care. There’s no excuse for not looking your best at any age — whether you’re a Maiden who thinks your connection to enchantment and the waxing moon means you can get away with not washing your face before bed, a Mother who’s so busy influencing Jungian psychology you’ve forgotten to take care of your own shadow figure, or a Crone who thinks that just because she’s on the verge of completing the death-and-regeneration cycle it doesn’t matter what she wears. (Hint: it does.)

But you don’t have to break the bank or spend all day in front of the mirror in order to look like the Queen of Witches. We’ve figured out which products and rituals are absolutely necessary for your beauty regimen, and which ones you can ditch like the molted skin of the new Moon. Here’s a breakdown:

Maiden

A Maiden doesn’t need to work on her appearance, right? She just springs forth from the dew of a freshly-seeded field, wearing a crown of lilies and ready to signify enchantment, birth, and the waxing moon.

Wrong. Sure, youth forgives a multitude of sins. But you have to be able to keep up with the virtuous legions of the Virgin Hunt, robed and silent young women who wrestle stags under the light of each new moon. Laying around by the pool and ignoring your cuticles isn’t going to cut it.

Wear a hat every day — your skin should be as untouched by the sun as your body is untouched by the hand of unworthy men.

Be sure to drink plenty of water; once you’ve drunk from a particular river it gives you certain powers over the nymphs who dwell there. You can never command too many nymphs.

Mother

You’ve started caring for your Night Children; don’t forget to take care of yourself. How can you stand for fertility, ripeness, strength, authority, power, the full moon, and stability if you don’t remember to eat breakfast or brush your hair? White-haired Temple Slaves are slaying oxen for you at midnight all around the shores of the Endless Sea — when’s the last time you actually ate one?

Crone

You’ve made it, right? Now that you’re Queen of Witches and mistress of your own chthonic realm, you don’t have to answer to anybody or put on lipstick when you leave the house?

Wrong. Your appearance is more important at this stage than ever. How can you strike fear into the hearts of unfaithful husbands and inspire childless women if your cheeks and lips aren’t stained with calf’s blood? You’re a hag, but that doesn’t mean you get to look haggard. (If you’re still putting on concealer before your foundation, cut it out.)

The most important thing to remember in your Crone stage is to get enough sleep. It’s easy to lose track of time when you live in a dim and sunless chamber in the Cities of the Dead. Try tracking your sleep cycles. Eight hours is good. Nine hours is better. You’re the Empress of Winter, damnit. That’s the season of hibernation! If you’re not getting enough sleep, how do you expect your Bear Army to?

You might find yourself losing teeth at this point. That’s to be expected. Wear the teeth of others.