- Women only love men with CROOKED SMILES, a man who smiles with his mouth all in a straight line might as well be DEAD; a male smile should resemble nothing on earth so much as the Leaning Tower of Pisa, Lombard Street, a lightning bolt, a scarecrow with a broken neck, or two palm trees leaning against each other to form a big “X”
- Most women cannot distinguish between the feeling of “love” and what happens when a young male has floppy hair that falls over his eyes; truly lovable men have eyes hidden so deeply behind a cascade of floppy chestnut hair they are effectively blind
- Men are most attractive when they have at least one but no more than three minor cosmetic flaws (scar on chin, slightly chipped tooth, poor), like Chip the cup from the cartoon version of Beauty and the Beast
- A woman can forgive a man for anything, except for having freckles or a weak chin
- 100% of women want to have sex with a man who embodies the fox version of Robin Hood from the cartoon Robin Hood, but most do not actually want to have sex with a fox or a man dressed as one
- It’s not enough to have a lot of hair falling in your eyes; men must be constantly tugging at their own hair in exasperation or at the very least running their hands through it as they think carefully about art or something
- Men should have a TON of money but not care about it for even a SECOND, he should literally forget he even has money, he should whisk you away on a helicopter and then when you try to tip the pilot in cash he’s like “what are those weird little flat green dudes in your wallet?” because he doesn’t care about money at all even though he has so much of it
- Women love it when a man seems gay and mean but is actually straight and nice, or at least he wants to be nice, or at least he wants to be nice to one person and that person is you, and instead of straight he’s gay 98% of the time but he’s super-mega-straight for you, and nobody knows what bisexuality is
- Someone understood him once but then she died
- It’s really good when a man could hurt you and maybe spends a lot of time hurting other people but makes an exception in his hurting-people schedule for at least one woman he doesn’t hurt, but he could if he wanted to, only he doesn’t, so it would be great if he murdered everybody except for you and didn’t murder you even a little bit
- Just this pretty much
- If he’s normally so powerful that he could destroy you but he’s in the hospital or prison or something or just tied to a bunch of cabins in the woods maybe and you have to bring him mush and he’s totally dependent on you and he hates it and reminds you of how much he hates it but there’s not even anything he can do about it and he has to rely on you and maybe trust again for the first time in his whole entire life, that’s good
- Whenever possible, a man should have a cruel mouth, particularly if he has blue eyes – the bluer the eyes, the crueler the mouth; a man with cornflower-blue eyes should have a mouth like a genocide
- If he can’t have a cruel mouth, he should have strong and callused hands, sort of rough but surprisingly gentle, like if it turned out his hands were actually made of doves, and he should be sort of dim but incredibly dedicated to you, he should be so dumb he can’t remember fractions but every day he builds you a four-poster sleigh bed out of oak and devotion and needs to have wordless but noisy sex on the hour and also needs help signing his own name
- It’s good if a man is skittish and terrified of affection, like a beautiful horse that appears on the edge of a frozen lake one day and you have to tame it by bringing it a handful of food every day until it slowly comes to learn your scent (but with sex)
- like a mean professor who always wears powder-blue button-ups and has a little bit of chest hair that’s not too dark and he withholds praise from you constantly?
- His mother is just the worst and you’re nothing like her
- If a man is calm 100% of the time, like so calm that he’s mostly dead, and he only gets boners for his job, because he loves his job so much and he’s always sitting at a desk or standing with a phone doing his job, but then all of a sudden he can’t stop getting boners for one specific woman and he’s mad at her from how much she’s distracting him from his job, which has never happened before, because he’s literally never been attracted to even a single woman in the history of being alive in his own body until right now and he’s going to straight up murder you with sex because it turns out all that sedate studiousness he thought was his personality was actually the calm before the dick storm
- Sometimes women instead love it when men are little and sweaty and sleazy, like a sexual rat, idk
- That’s it I guess, that’s all I know
Tags: heterosexuality, relationships, sex, what women want, when i say “reading” i mean fan fiction obviously
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…But you will see, Alizon,
What a nice boy he can be when he wears a clean shirt.
I more than once lost my heart to clean linen
When I was a young creature, even to linen
That hung on hedges without a man inside it.
–“The Lady’s Not for Burning,” Christopher Fry
I know this was a week ago, but — someone else who knows Christopher Fry! I have SO MUCH of that play memorised!
“Show me daffodils happening to a man!”
‘Calm before the dick storm’ made me choke a little bit on my water.
“The calm before the dick storm” feels appropriate for so many occasions and I hope to find a way to work it into conversation soon.
Oh god I thought my diet coke would be the end of me
Giggling hysterically now, must close office door….
I so hope that soon I will look back on this phase in my life as the calm before the dick storm.
Peter Cook! Also, weak chins are a deal breaker. Totally true.
Have you, I don’t know, maybe been reading at this point decade-old Twilight fan fiction recently? 90% of your list is found in some form in Twilight fan fiction. Uncanny!
Honestly read “weak chins” and thought “Ewwwww,” so, yeah, I’m with you.
A friend and her sister and I were having lunch in a fancy place in California when Ronald Reagan’s son walked by and her sister said “for Christ’s sake, the man’s father is president, you’d think they could buy him a chin!” and aside from choking on my water and wanting to fade under the table we were fine.
absolutely. i never even thought i cared, but i saw a weak chin once and embraced my shallowness as i thought “hmmmm, probably nope”
but it’s okay, because i have many off putting lady features of my own.
Exactly. I have totally accepted that I do not look like a model, but somehow, in my ordinariness have still managed to find love and I do not take it personally when men indicate they like blonde hair and blue eyes, and not my brown/gray hair and brown eyes. Also my spare tire. Especially my spare tire. After, oh, I don’t know, three and a half decades of being assessed, I tend to tune things out. Instead, I focus my mental energy thinking about dreamy romantic heroes and scenarios of my own. And my husband. Can’t forget the husband.
Is it… has it been ten years already…
Kinda sorta weak chin here. I do understand that I am an unlovable monster, but I have covered up my abominable defect with a strong-ass beard, so at least no one has to look at it.
All the sympathy for dudes lacking lantern jaws. I would totally be down for a boy with a “weak chin” so long as he’s beardless. Pogonophobia, it is a fun word, but it’s less fun to have it for those of us attracted to people who can grow facial hair.
90% of this list is in Twilight itself. Don’t even have to go to the fanfiction for the shitty tropes anymore.
I was thinking the same thing!
Sebastian Stan has a weak chin and seems to be considered pretty cute. Also who ever has a problem with freckles, they’re adorable 100% of the time??
Agreed.
Sooooo. 50 Shades of Grey then?
“100% of women want to have sex with a man who embodies the fox version of Robin Hood from the cartoon Robin Hood”
Robin Hood was my first crush – I can’t even tell you how confusing it is for your first sexy feelings to be towards an animated fox.
Wasn’t he everyone’s first crush?
No, mine was Jessica Rabbit.
…who wasn’t actually a rabbit. Hell yes, go me.
Mine was Dark Heart, from Care Bears II, which is…a way worse first crush to have.
DARK HEART WAS THE BEST THOUGH
He could turn into smoke and a dragon and a fox! AND he learned to care! How could real boys ever measure up?
LOLLLLLLL I JUST LOOKED UP DARK HEART AND LOLLLLLLL
Three-year-old me thought I could change him! My mother blames him for the fact that I dated guys that ‘look like elves’ through college.
Not that I entirely realized it at the time, but mine was Catwoman (as played by Eartha Kitt on the 1960s TV show). I wanted to be super good friends with her and go on thieving adventures.
Mine was actually Aladdin, though to be fair they’re essentially the same character
Mine was also Aladdin!
David Bowie in Labyrinth – so confusing, yet so hot!
My best friend and I had a conversation this past weekend about how people who first saw Labyrinth before puberty and people who first saw Labyrinth post-puberty will never really understand each other.
This is VERY TRUE. I was pre-puberty and he was the CREEPIEST. My friend saw it in high school and she thought he was sex personified.
Strangely enough, I saw it post puberty and still think he looked creepy. I am often an anomaly, however, so don’t pay me too much mind.
Marvellous!
Oh no!!! LOL!
can’t.look.away.
That is possibly the funniest thing I’ve ever seen in my life.
I snorted and then IMMEDIATELY had to email this to the friend who introduced me to Labyrinth…
He was certainly mine!
Aquaman, and yes I am excited for Jason Momoa’s depiction. VERY.
he makes me feel funny in my swimsuit place
Wesley Crusher.
My critical story and character analysis skills were still developing, ok?
Solidarity.
oh my god I feel so much better about Robin Hood now
I understand. It’s okay. Those were confusing times.
Oh, Wesley…
and the conflicted feels when you start to realize he might be terrible? Like in every possible way? And you want him in every scene so you can look at him but ugh god get him off the stage, he’s not helping anyyythinggggg….. Very confusing.
(small voice)
Mine was Inspector Gadget.
Mine was Gadget from Rescue Rangers. I had totally forgotten until I saw your post.
Oh heck yeah, she was awesome. I’ve never figured out where “platonic here’s-who-I-want-to-be girl crush” ends and “subtle not-totally-heteroness” begins, and that’s definitely one of the childhood characters that encapsulate the difficulty for me.
Exactly this. Her perfect hair and her purple jumpsuit!! I loved her.
the pink and yellow rangers definitely had their… moments for me.
Mine was Raphael, the Ninja Turtle.
Mine too! My name also begins with an R and my favorite color was red so we were fated, I guess. I remember literally nothing about him except that he was the red one with my initial.
Mine was Leonardo, with a soft spot for Raph. I get it entirely.
I was incredibly hot for Raph. I understood that I was supposed to like Leo best, we should all aspire to be Leo, but we should all have sex with Raph.
Mine was April O’Neil AND Donatello. OTP!
Raphael and Robin Hood shared the throne of my five year old affections. It is amazing how specifically the toast readership aligns…
Precisely Raphael and Robin Hood for me, too!
HOW has no one brought up Atreyu from Neverending Story? I had it SO BAD for Atreyu.
There’s also Gene Wilder, in The Little Prince.
haha – I was just talking with a friend about how smoking hot that fox was.
I cannot possibly be the only person whose first crush was the Dread Pirate Roberts. I can’t even be the first person _on this thread_ whose first crush was the Dread Pirate Roberts. Someone? Right?
(Robin Hood tho. That too.)
Mine was David Bowie in Labyrinth. It was the eye makeup and leggings that made 5-year-old me go “Now THAT’S a man!”
Yeah, I was gonna say, that one is actually pretty accurate…
Yeah this one is confusing to me because I thought that the implication of this post is that these things AREN’T really true? but that one seems pretty true.
that one breaks the post
Nah, mine was Jareth from Labrinth. Bowie in tight pants triggered my sexual awakening. I blame Michelle Phieffer for my bisexual awakening. Blame? Thank. Thank is the word..
Labyrinth was the first movie I saw at the cinema and it petrified me, but there was always something about Jareth. I think Robin H predates him though!
Oh god yes. I recently rewatched it and was all swoony and like “why wouldn’t she stay I mean LOOK AT HIM,” and my spouse, who was watching it for the first time, was somewhat alarmed with me.
Same.
My bisexual awakening was, in fact, not a famous person but a pretty girl in my class.
Oh the bisexual awakening was Cheetara for me.
…
…annnnnnd this is where I realize I might have some issues with anthropomorphism.
OH MY GOD HOW DID I FORGET CHEETARA
Looking back, I had the HUGEST crush on Padme growing up. Now, the first time I actually realized I had sexy feelings for a girl? Stana freakin’ Katic, who I know is responsible for the bisexual awakenings of at least two of my friends.
I had it baaaaad for Padme when I was younger. My first conscious attraction to a girl was either Martha Jones in Doctor Who or Irene in Sherlock, back when I still watched Doctor Who and Sherlock.
I was a little slow on the uptake re bisexual awakenings, but my first not completely hetero feelings for a girl person were for Daisy Duke (I was 10, I didn’t realize any of the problems with the Dukes of Hazzard, I just thought she was really pretty).
This tidbit may be based entirely upon Toast readership; the only place I’ve ever felt not alone in my crushes on red-headed ne’er-do-wells with hearts of gold (see also: Justin the rat from the Secret of NIMH).
Sigh….Justin.
Justin the Rat, Martin of Redwall, Mariel of Redwall, Jenkin from the Deptford Mice, Ratty from Wind in the Willows, Pentecost.. I went through a prolonged rodent phase.
Oh god, Justin. *fans self*
YES JUSTIN. I think he was even more confusing because none of those animals were even as fully anthropomorphized as Robin Hood. Like yeah girl, that’s a slightly-larger-than-usual rat. No getting around it.
mine was tintin. cripes.
I also had a crush on Tintin. You are not alone!
Saperlipopette!
Robin Hood was definitely my first crush too so I feel you on the confusion.
OK, Vanilla Ice might have been my first crush but I was 3 I didn’t know what I was doing so I just like to ignore that point in my life.
I went to see him in concert when I was 12. In my defence, it was a friend’s birthday party, but we all had crushes.
*looks around shiftily*
Miss Hardbroom from the Worst Witch books.
*hides*
Oh man, mine too. I always assumed I was alone in this and weird because of it. This post and its comments are a revelation.
Mine was Gadget from Chip n’ Dale’s Rescue Rangers, so.
oh god Gadget I’m here for that
YES ME TOO. The mention of Inspector Gadget above reminded me.
…Mine was Raphael from the Ninja Turtles. And pretty much every fictional crush I’ve had since? Human version of Raphael from the Ninja Turtles.
Look at all the Raph love in this thread! I feel so much less alone now.
Hades from the Disney version of Hercules. 😐
all this talk about childhood crushes is confirming my asexuality.
Although I do have a thing for muscly women thanks to Sarah Connor doing chin-ups in her prison cell.
Mine was Dmitri from Anastasia
It took me many years (oh, say, 20 or so) to figure out that I didn’t have a crush on Robin Hood–I just wanted to /be/ him, and run off with Maid Marian into the woods, where we would have endless picnics.
I know, I thought I was the only one who had these feelings about the fox version of Robin Hood.
Mary Martin as Peter Pan was mine!
Uh, me too. Also, weirdly, Casper (from the Chrisrina Ricci movie). But the ghost one.
The Robin Hood fox comment alone encapsulates pretty much every “what heterosexual women want” post that ever needs to be written. Mel Gibson should have said that line at the end of the movie.
This is a tangent, but I had my first kiss during What Women Want, and the answer turned out to be “Definitely not this, anyway.”
only here for A MOUTH LIKE GENOCIDE
What with the cornflower blue eyes, I was all, “wait, are we branching out to the Bond movies?”
I really CAN’T forgive a weak chin!
The beard trend is just hiding all the weak chins, but we know you’re out there…
My first BF was online, and when I met him in person, I never got over the chin.
He now has beard.
Fair, but I wasn’t aware freckles were a dealbreaker. Did I miss a memo?
SAME. I’m a horrible, shallow woman but this is the one thing I could never see past. Lazy eye, missing nose, tentacles where their limbs should be – I would accept all of that.
But they must have a chin.
(I find freckles quite charming, however)
I don’t know what my husband’s chin looks like. He had a beard when we met and I have forbidden him from ever shaving. (In return, I keep my hair long.)
…I also have a thing for beards that I did not understand until I got to the second season of TNG. Hello, Riker!
My chin has been cross-training six days a week ever since I read this blog. I now have a chin powerful enough to hurtle a car across three lanes of traffic, like those movie superheroes.
I mean, I wouldn’t actually do that. That’s not the proper way to merge. But still.
“He should have strong and callused hands, sort of rough but surprisingly gentle, like if it turned out his hands were actually made of doves”
This has always bothered me so much. Like, way more than the man’s tendency to murder everyone. “How are his hands rough but soft AT THE SAME TIME? Pick one fantasy and stick with it!”
Like Curley in Of Mice and Men. One hand rough and one hand in a Vaseline glove all day!
this is the perfect solution
brb rewriting character description….
I think maybe… the hands are calloused, but they are meaty enough that they’re still soft and squishy? Like a leather couch, instead of leather wrapped around some dowels and marbles.
[fans self]
The rough parts are the claws and beaks.
calloused and rough, but the skin isn’t dry and scratchy, and he uses them gently. It’s not that the skin itself is necessarily soft, but that he knows how to stroke your delicate soft lady skin without damaging it.
It turns out I can forgive a man for freckles, which I think shows growth for me. But only because they’re on his back so I don’t really have to look at them. My character is not strong enough to forgive freckled arms.
Really, freckles just look much better on women than on men and I don’t know why that is.
I will take all your freckled ginger men!
I will share them with you! Oh, Eddie Redmayne…
i…love freckles on dudes? i have no justification for this. i do not want to start A Thing. I just am deeply enamored of them.
No justification needed! We are all attracted to very different things.
i love freckles.
also i remember reading “ella enchanted” in my formative years and 8 year old me was v. impressed with the mention of char’s freckles, so…it has precedent in literature!
I have a thing for redheads, and freckles are a tradeoff I’m willing to make.
I can confirm that so very many of these things are true. For some reason, my ideas of romance were formed by my early love of both Beauty and the Beast and The Phantom of the Opera. So being kidnapped to live with a disfigured man in his well-appointed home is basically the most romantic thing I think could ever happen to a fictional person.
The good news is, my IRL relationships tend to be pretty normal ones with pretty normal people. I credit this to my ability to use fiction (or fanfiction) to satisfy my desire to romanticize dysfunctional relationships and thus enjoy having a healthy, functional relationship in my actual life.
My interest in the Phantom waned considerably when I read the novel and found out his real name was Eric.
It’s Erik with a ‘k’ though! Which is very different!
Possibly my favorite part of the book is when Christine says “does that mean you’re Swedish like me?” and he just says “no.” Glad we cleared that up!
That’s one of the first rules of establishing trust with beautiful ingenues you have kidnapped: never explain anything you don’t have to.
This is me too, but then I grew up bi and now I need genderbent Phantom AUs. But they don’t seem to exist 🙁
Where are the monster girls with very large, tasteful libraries?
This is a very good question that I wish I knew how to answer for you.
There’s a Facebook group of roller derby librarians. Check their for your gender bent beast ladies with large libraries.
Are you me?
The funny thing is my real relationships are like, completely the opposite, inasmuch as I am a commitmentphobic, highly educated world traveller expat type is who logistically impossible for anyone to even so much as date.
“truly lovable men have eyes hidden so deeply behind a cascade of floppy chestnut hair they are effectively blind”
I am in a fandom which has a character fitting this physical description, it is NOT TRUE that he is truly lovable, it is very important that you understand that he is literally the worst, most terrifying character in anything, PLEASE DO NOT APPROACH
He just hasn’t met the right vagina yet.
This hair and eye situation perfectly describes my 10-year-old son right now, but he has a haircut appt today because 4th graders need not seem truly lovable to anybody but their mothers.
Matt Engarde?
No, but he’s definitely a piece of shit too!
Oh man, me and my BFF in high school were huge Ace Attorney fans. As time went on, his interest in aspects of the fandom that were not Matt Engarde / Juan Corrida hatesex approached zero… yeah, Matt Engarde is pretty solidly enshrined in my head as the archetype for pure floppy-haired evil.
Also, in retrospect, considering how my Ace Attorney fantasies were all variations on “have tea and watch a Steel Samurai marathon with Edgeworth”, I really should have figured out I was asexual sooner…
Okay but “have tea and watch a Steel Samurai marathon asexually” is totally something Edgeworth would do with you, so I think you had just about the right idea.
Well, NOW you need to tell us who it is!
If you still care four days later (sorry) it’s Fermet from Baccano!. *shudders* the worst human.
This is 100% accurate for me and I entirely blame Robin McKinley novels.
“He will train you on sword play and/or magic while still being aloof”
She even has a Robin Hood book! I stood no chance.
I still have a crush on Tor. I will always have a crush on Tor.
Naaah, man, Luthe all the way.
Yes! Especially for the comfort after the falling down the tower. 🙂
I was just glad she got to bone both of them. I couldn’t choose either.
“Sometimes women like it when a man is little and sweaty and sleazy.”
I found it! I found the explanation for Danny DeVito’s career!
Oh god, it’s true. It’s so true.
I was going to reply with the gif of him being birthed from the couch in IASIP, but that would have been just too cruel.
oooh YES.
But as a lover English boyish men, freckles are no problem whatsoever.
A weak chin, however, is irredeemable…
English men with properly sexy accents are allowed to have freckles and also for their hair to be blond while their eyes are brown, BUT NEVER TO HAVE WEAK CHINS.
But-but-but Lord Peter Wimsey!
Lord Peter Wimsey has a long chin. I checked.
“He should be so dumb he can’t remember fractions but every day he builds you a four-poster sleigh bed out of oak and devotion and needs to have wordless but noisy sex on the hour and also needs help signing his own name”
I am pretty sure this is exactly why Galadriel kept Celeborn around for all that time.
I mean, this is pretty much the appeal of Channing Tatum, isn’t it? Or at least the idea of Channing Tatum. He’s dumb but so sweet and devoted and welding and whatever! Also he’s not threatened by you being smart.
TRYING
NOT
TO
LAUGH
AT
DESK
I mean, have you seen the arrogant dick swingers that she grew up around? Celeborn must have been so refreshing.
I have read some delightful and perfect fanfiction based on exactly that premise.
Links please!
BLASPHEMY! lol
“100% of women want to have sex with a man who embodies the fox version of Robin Hood from the cartoon Robin Hood, but most do not actually want to have sex with a fox or a man dressed as one”
You know when you read a thing and you realize that it’s exactly what you’ve always felt but never could put into words but then you remember that Mallory wrote it and she can put everything into words?
He was my first crush. I used to write fan fiction in my head as a child about him and Maid Marian. *sigh*
Bah. Just call me Anne Bronte.
I have a print of this in my apartment (as well as the Poe & Verne BROS comic), and it makes me happy every time I see it.
I was going to bemoan the fact that I don’t have this print.
BUT I DO.
It’s under a giant pile of other cool prints and friends’ art things that I can’t prioritize.
What is wrong with me?
OMG. I love this print so much that when my brother-in-law met Kate B., he asked her to draw this print for me for my birthday:
It was so good I almost forgave him for being a man.
I realize this is a whole year later, but wow, she made a drawing just for you?? That’s fantastic! Did she have to mail it to him later or did she just draw it right then and there?
Thank goodness for email notifications! Yes, she drew it right there–even more of a super-genius than we’d previously believed!
Genius and so nice, wow! (Yay email notifications! Vintage Toast Posts keep popping up on Facebook and confusing me.)
I LOVE CHARLOTTE BUT I’M SOOO THE ANNE OF MY FRIEND GROUP.
(I just realized that “Which Bronte Are You” is to literary women what “Which Sex And The City/Girls Character Are You” is to all other woman at different age levels.)
My cousin already wrote a Which Bronte Are You Quiz and has been talking for ages about sending it to the Toast. So if you see it show up here, she didn’t steal your idea, I promise! She’s been hesitating because she wrote it so long ago it’s full of outdated pop culture references, but I feel that gives it charm.
oh that would be LOVELY. 🙂 haha Toasties are so kind, I regularly say crazy things like “there should be a [fill-in-the-blank]” and no one I’m ever around thinks of saying “hey i also have a thing like that, would you mind? I’m not stealing your idea.”
(I’m awful at quiz-making, I would enthusiastically take your cousin’s quiz. 🙂 )
It makes me so sad whenever Kate Beaton reminds me that she has a boyfriend.
(of COURSE he’s got a beard)
So sad.
I have the original on my wall. LOLOL. A friend got it because I’m a romance writer.
His hair is always long, a little too long. He could put it up in a ponytail but he is too busy doing business things and making money.
“It’s not enough to have a lot of hair falling in your eyes; men must be constantly tugging at their own hair in exasperation or at the very least running their hands through it as they think carefully about art or something”
See? That. That’s what I fell in love with all those years ago. Wow. I’m actually having trouble breathing.
I was feeling out of the loop because I never happened to watch the animated Robin Hood movie, but truly, this is everything.
Went back and reread this part and turns out? I can’t distinguish between love and what I felt when seeing him do that thing with his hair. Lust, maybe? Probably lust.
about art or something (bones, tennis, comic songs, making change for half-a-crown)…
… forgetting one’s worries over stamps.
I initially associated the floppy hair post with Hugh Grant, & was “eh”, and then you politely reminded me of early 90’s Ruper Graves and now I’m having feeeeeeelllliinngggssss.
Hey, Greg!
DI Lestrade!
Re: sexual rat. See Jonathan Rhys-Meyers. Or, as I like to call him, “Eye Herpes.”
Dude could be in a shower and still look dirty.
Oh, lovely lovely Steerpike…
ugchh gross.
/not a sex rat fan
Excuse me, I um, I have to um, I need to….I’ll be right back.
My friend and I always have this argument about Adam Levine. She thinks he’s sexy-dirty and I think he looks like if chlamydia were a person.
It can be two things!
But “he looks life if chlamydia were a person” is probably the best thing I’ve read today not written by Mallory. 😉
Then there’s the terrible singing.
I think you are the winner in that argument.
That’s how I feel about Tim Riggins from Friday Night Lights. So much talk about how hot he is….and to me he looks like he wakes up in a pile of his own vomit every morning, has beer sweat coming out his pores and hasn’t showered in weeks.
EYE HERPES oh god
cf. Norman Reedus
screen door. hurricane, etc.
It’s the baggy eye, I am helpless before it.
• crooked smile – check
• floppy chestnut hair – check
• minor cosmetic flaw – check
• strong chin – check
• cornflower blue eyes and a mouth like a genocide – check
Norman Reedus gives me so many feelings. SO MANY.
STAINS!
I would posit that perhaps he would look ESPECIALLY dirty in a shower.
I like the way you think.
I would need to visually review the evidence.
I like the way YOU think.
He was SO CUTE as Steerpike, and it’s all been downhill since then.
Except for the whole raping Lavinia thing, he was pretty hot in Titus. All smoldering and sexy….
Is this where I confess that I miss the horrible show Dracula just because of this face/body? It was so bad, but he was delicious.
It was like they made him have an American accent just to punish viewers.
I miss the horrible show Dracula because it was a show about Dracula wherein his master plan was to provide the world with free, sustainable energy. Like… What?
Also he and the actress playing Mina had a few excellent longing gazes exchanged. And Victoria Smurfit was always running around with cleavage that seemed to defy the laws of physics.
And Victoria Smurfit got to get down with JRM and Katie McGrath.
Truly a great time to be a bisexual vampire hunter.
I miss everything about that horrible show – but particularly that face/body.
This is my first post ever here on the toast, and it is to say that I am trying to read the rest of the comments, but keep scrolling up to look at Eye Herpes just one more time.
Welcome! That sort of reaction happens here more often than I’d like to admit.
My best friend was very concerned for me when I refused to watch anything but Red Eye for about a week straight. Apparently Cillian Murphy looks like a serial date rapist to her. Me? In love.
you’re both right.
Robin Hood came up this weekend when my friends suggested that there was a character in The Rats Of Nimh “that was the hot one” so I looked up “the hot rat” and that was a google search that worked? Anthropomorphism does nothing for me personally, but cheers to y’all.
I see you, people that like The Lion King a little too much.
I’m horrified to realize I know exactly which rat they were referring to. I think his name was Justin.
I checked my google search history and indeed my search criteria was “Justin the hot rat” so
I totally just googled “Justin the hot rat.” Interestingly, all that came up was Justin Bieber.
Luckily the character for me was the first hit; all subsequent Biebers were disregarded.
OH MY GOD I JUST POSTED ABOUT JUSTIN THE RAT UP IN THAT OTHER COMMENT ABOUT FOX ROBIN HOOD.
omg at least it wasn’t Simba though, then I’d know you’d been eavesdropping on my conversations this weekend HMM
Robin Hood was briefly dethroned from his leading role in my childhood romantic feelings by Rafael from the Ninja Turtles.
Justin the hot rat and Robin Hood were basically the same animated character with slightly different facial features, though. The appeal wasn’t the actual animal face, it was the lean body and the way they both kept draping themselves against walls and tree stumps and stuff.
Being there for spunky ladies didn’t hurt.
Dang, he’s up there with The Great Mouse Detective’s Basil. I… definitely did not have a crush on him. Not at all what are you talking about.
thirteen weeks ago and I had to come by to tell you
BASILLLLL OMG
…ahem. yes.
a man with cornflower-blue eyes should have a mouth like a genocide
just about made me spit iced coffee all over my monitor
In the fine words of one of my best friends, “weak chin, weak character.” Words to live by in this time of beards.
That seems kinda body-shaming to me TBH. If you don’t like weak chins, that’s fine of course! But we don’t need to assume people with weak chins are bad people just because we don’t find them attractive.
Or do find them attractive! I was hesitant to mention it, for fear of sounding skeezy, but I do like weak chins. Quite a bit actually.
I think curating a delightful tumblr called FUCK-YEAH-WEAK-CHINS may be in your future, if it is not already your present.
I have just barely worked up the courage to make an intense debate profile, so I do not think I am quite ready for that. That said, I would happily peruse such a tumblr.
Will it pass into history and legend like the Dust Bowl?
“There came a time….when all was beard……”
My friend only knew her husband with a beard until about 4 years into their marriage. Then he shaved and she discovered he had a weak chin.
They’re divorced now.
Valid.
If you’re dating a bearded dude, make him show you a picture from when he was, like, 17. Old enough for adult bone structure, young enough for clean-shaven-ness. Judge the chin. Always, always judge the chin.
Thank heavens for beards, I say. My husband lacks a chin completely (he likes to say that it looks like his neck blew a bubble), but his beard game is strong. It’s like simulated architecture for the face!
Same with my parents!
Gotta say it totally freaked me out when my then-boyfriend shaved his beard off for the first time since I met him and he has a weak chin. Seriously thought about calling off the wedding. But that was like 7 years ago and we’ve been married for 5.5 and he hasn’t been kidnapped by a Machiavellian villain or blackmailed by the mafia or failed to rescue me as I dangled off a cliff… so far. Keep your fingers crossed for us I guess.
TRUE STORY: I broke up with a boy I’d been dating for two years – who had had a beard the whole time – and I was having a really difficult time with it emotionally. He asked me to meet him for lunch just to check in on each other and I said yes. Turns out he had shaved his beard off after we broke up and I now found him repulsive, and I didn’t regret the break up ever again. It was the best thing he ever did for me!
“100% of women want to have sex with a man who embodies the fox version of Robin Hood from the cartoon Robin Hood, but most do not actually want to have sex with a fox or a man dressed as one.”
FINALLY SOMEONE UNDERSTANDS ME
I like how this particular point seems to resonate so well with everyone. Like, this was my exact reaction and that of the friend who I immediately shared it with. Mallory really got that one right.
So if I read this and mentally assigned each of these to a specific fanfiction title (usually from Sherlock) does that mean I have a problem?
(don’t answer that, I don’t want to know)
It means you have the ol’ “being too awesome” problem; I wouldn’t worry about it.
BLESS.
(there is a new pirate AU and I am so happy)
No, but you need to give us a list.
“If a man is calm 100% of the time, like so calm that he’s mostly dead, and he only gets boners for his job, because he loves his job so much and he’s always sitting at a desk or standing with a phone doing his job, but then all of a sudden he can’t stop getting boners for one specific woman and he’s mad at her from how much she’s distracting him from his job, which has never happened before, because he’s literally never been attracted to even a single woman in the history of being alive in his own body until right now and he’s going to straight up murder you with sex because it turns out all that sedate studiousness he thought was his personality was actually the calm before the dick storm” is approximately 85% of it except instead of a woman it is John Watson, boy oh man does Sherlock EVER lose his mind (and pants) for John Watson. Also he falls in the Thames a lot.
“But John my mind is a delicate instrument and you’re making me FEEL THINGS and I don’t feel things and what are you doing to me I hate you can we hug now”
And sometimes, John is also a woman.
And if there are Too Many Difficulties, Mycroft rides in with a Big Car and A Scary Assistant Whose Name Changes Every Day and throws money and minions at the problem while Sherlock and John cry and make out and sometimes pretend to be married “for a CASE, John!”
When Sherlock is a woman, her name is always Sherlock.
And then John gets hurt and Sherlock gets super-mad at him/her for taking foolish, unnecessary risks and Mycroft has to step in and be the voice of emotional reason while Sherlock has a petulant fit outside John’s hospital room because John’s being so selfish and irrational with the risk-taking. Scary Assistant quietly and efficiently orders a hit on all of the people who have ever even considered harming a hair on John’s head.
I mean, probably. That probably happens.
And Lestrade always, always wins the betting pool when he finds out! (Sometimes Sally Donovan, if she’s not being caricatured till she’s unrecognizable.)
Your parenthetical is clearly a trick, since Sally Donovan is always caricatured until she’s unrecognizable.
I feel like “calm before the dick storm” is the PERFECT line for all of Johnlock fiction. Also the first part. The man is married to his work, after all. T’wud be inappropriate to have a boner for anything else.
“It’s really good when a man could hurt you and maybe spends a lot of time hurting other people but makes an exception in his hurting-people schedule for at least one woman he doesn’t hurt, but he could if he wanted to, only he doesn’t, so it would be great if he murdered everybody except for you and didn’t murder you even a little bit”
I. Um.
Okay, look, but have you seen the muscles on those MMA guys? And it’s not like grappling is an un-usable skill set in the bedroom, is what I’m saying.
I’m not saying I don’t have a crush on both Klitschko brothers.
I’m not saying I didn’t have a crush on Stone Cold Steve Austin in the 90s.
Professional wrestling on TV with the sound off: my favorite kind of soft porn.
You are my kind of lady. How does a couple bottles of wine and the Bellator fight card sound to you?
Make at least one of those bottles a dry red, and come on over. My wide screen TV is at your service.
They were showing a lot of rugby on TV like a month ago and yeah, I could get into this sport, this seems cool
Two words- Randy Orton.
I once told someone who wanted to know why I watched MMA, “It’s two very well-built guys wearing almost nothing rolling around in a octagon. What’s not to enjoy?”
I discovered recently a gentleman who used to be a Japanese Ultimate Fighting dude, who is also this massive Buddhist, and now does this sort of concept-art boyband thing. Which is not that shocking, since he was well known for these giant fantastic dance number costumed entrances to the ring, back when he was a fighter.
Genki Sudo. He is everything.
He’s basically superman, with the dorky suits and glasses hiding the stacked body. But with more concept art.
OH SHIT WAIT was I supposed to be tipping my helicopter pilot this whole time??? No wonder he was giving me a cruel frosty glare; I assumed that was flirting.
Are his eyes blue? If they’re blue, maybe it was flirting.
Normally gray but sometimes they flash blue??? Is the flashing an angry thing or a horny thing? He’s repressing SOME emotion when that happens, that’s all I can tell.
Oh, in that case, you have to check the cheek. Is there a tic, just below his cheekbone? That one is anger. If, on the other hand, the cheekbone remains sharp and still, nay, stolid, then you’ve got yourself a man eager to strap you into his chopper and take you for a ride.
Holy shit, you’re good.
Ha! Write that in a 5* review for me, will ya?
Women love it when a man seems gay and mean but is actually straight and nice, or at least he wants to be nice, or at least he wants to be nice to one person and that person is you, and instead of straight he’s gay 98% of the time but he’s super-mega-straight for you, and nobody knows what bisexuality is.
This totally and completely explains my otherwise inexplicable adolescent crush on Rupert Everett in 1986-87.
My Best Friend’s Wedding has so much to answer for.
I was a pretentious, arty teenager, so I blame Dance with a Stranger. Although Another Country gave me All the Feels before there were Feels (and slash fiction).
One of my high school boyfriends, ugh it’s so painfully accurate arrrrghhhhhhhhh I’m meltingggggggg
Cemetery Man! Anyone? Anyone? Also Midsummer Night’s Dream!
https://youtu.be/NZ2X2_ts5Kw
Whenever possible, a man should have a cruel mouth, particularly if he has blue eyes – the bluer the eyes, the crueler the mouth; a man with cornflower-blue eyes should have a mouth like a genocide
Oh hi I see you’ve met my most recent ex.
What kind of lips does a cruel mouth have, though? Is it, like, a “slash” of a mouth…which would be more Kenneth Branagh? Or is there a decadent full-lipped kind of cruelty?
Oh, there is definitely a decadent full-lipped kind of cruelty. Full lips are all the better to sneer with, my dear.
Good point.
Honestly after reading each of these I did a Gia Gunn voice in my head like ‘ABSOLUTELYYYY.’ (…someone here watches drag race, right?)
As a bi woman I feel like this post reactivated my heterosexual desire. Not sure that was the point, but…
lolllll i’m bi too and I alternated between “no I totally get this??” and “WHY DO PEOPLE ENGAGE IN HETEROSEXUALITY EVER” as i wrote this post
“lol breeders”
I love you always. <3
*bows to the queen*
I use the Gia Gunn “abso-lutelyyyy” 3x more than any of the other words in my vocabulary.
100% yes absolutely, just came down here to post that comment in ALL-CAPS. It’s so hard to try and explain that you do not have a thing for foxes or furries or anything besides the soul of scalawag charm that covers up the softest heart ever which Robin Hood embodies.
(my first crush was technically Robin Hood in any form, from Errol Flynn to Kevin Costner to the little picture book I had as a child, but fox!Robin was BY FAR superior to pretty much any of them.)
Yes! I also love Robin Hood in any form, except for the Kevin Costner part. I have no favorite or definitive Robin Hood, but that doesn’t mean I can’t have a least favorite Robin Hood.
I remember having the Robin Hood LEGO SET as a little kid and acting out very sweeping romantic plots. Something about that guy, even when he’s tiny, yellow, and plastic.
I’m a non-furry straight guy, and I’d totally choke down Fox Robin Hood’s dong. Dude’s a catch.
“the fox version of Robin Hood” explains two of my high school boyfriends
GO ON…
Bullets 1-4 regrettably accurate.
There are three men in every heterosexual woman’s life, and for me it’s Brian Krakow, Lucas from Empire Records and Jon Hamm (role-playing as Don on occasion).
I am in love with all of the men from Empire Records. Just all of them, equally.
By the way my brain kind of exploded when Brian Krakow showed up on Mad Men last week. CRASHING OF WORLDS.
I read your comment and was like WHAT and googled and BRIAN KRAKOW IS STEVIE OMG. MIND IS BLOWN.
I only find Jon Hamm attractive when he’s not Don Draper. Every other time, yes.
Also bisexual women.
Mine are Chris Evans, Idris Elba, and Eric Balfour (I’m watching Haven on netflix and his character is exceptionally sexy).
“100% of women want to have sex with a man who embodies the fox version of Robin Hood from the cartoon Robin Hood, but most do not actually want to have sex with a fox or a man dressed as one” – yes, fully.
Are Heterosexuals Real?
legit it all seems as trolling and ridiculous as this post to me
the whole strange land of Het
See how I felt when I thought Mallory was exaggerating crazy bathrooms?
People keep SAYING they are, but nearly every ‘het’ person I know has come out as some variety of not-het in the last three years.
I accept the existence of heterosexuals, but I’m p. sure they’re actually quite rare.
My husband is one. I think it’s more common in the male of the species.
Idk, I thought I was but actually seem to be asexual … so maybe sometimes they are. Schroedinger’s Heterosexual?
Please send me all of your rejected freckled men.
Check
Check
Check check check
Yep. This checks out. Turns out you know all you need to know.
This has just unraveled the mystery of my heretofore unexplained crush on Neymar. He’s so clearly the embodiment of fox Robin Hood. I mean, it’s so darn obvious now that I think about it.
HOLY CRAP you’re right. I hate Barcelona but I have a major crush on him, and it makes no sense! His hair is stupid and he plays for a team I don’t like. But it is absolutely the Robin Hood thing! 100 internet points for you.
Yes! Thank you! I have felt so conflicted about this crush because I am not a Barcelona fan either, and I cannot find a single picture in which his hair does not look ridiculous. And yet… And yet…
Wow, Toast commenters are really mean about weak chins.
As a connoisseur of weak chins, I just cackle and think to myself, “All mine then, my preshuses.”
Also, is there no way to say that you prefer a certain feature without sounding like a lowly PUA? I have labored over this conundrum for several minutes.
connoisseuring something + assuming your whole gender/orientation likes it + backing up your liking it with pseudoscience + giving it a name so you can say stuff like “He’s not much of a whin, but I’d still bang him” + working it into a negging strategy like “most girls don’t like whins, but I think yours makes your crooked teeth look super cute” = sounding like a PUA. You’re good.
I hope that it helps that up until this moment, I had never even heard the term whin… nor would I consider telling someone to their face that they have a weak chin as part of a ploy to seduce them.
I still feel like a dirty sex rat for even mentioning it, though.
oh I just made it up just now to make fun of PUAs! Because they ruined “expressing enjoyment of a physical feature” for everyone >:(
Oh god, that woman was playing me.
Said she liked how my Eastern European forearm goes brown and my WASP shoulder stays white in the summer.
It was all a lie.
I’m not sure I even know how to distinguish a strong chin from a weak one (unless we’re talking extremes, like Gaston vs. a baby).
I just choked on my water at that phrase thinking about an X-TREEM CHIN OFF between burly-ass Gaston and like, a newborn.
I could not tell you what a weak chin looks like, but I CAN tell you that in a book if someone’s chin as described as “weak,” it’s OVER for him. He is a secret murderer or something, literally no one is described with both a weak chin and a good heart, it’s one of the most obvious signifiers of Worthlessness in lazy literature. The female equivalent is, I think, “being too pretty,” which is weird because they’re not the same thing.
It’s a literary trope?
I keep forgetting this is from books and not just, you know, observation.
They’re both signifiers of an excess of femininity, maybe? Too much femininity means devious/secret murderer, obviously.
It could also come down to the requirement that a man “should have a TON of money but not care about it for even a SECOND.” If a character has a weak chin, he might be *gasp* posh by birth, instead of a rugged farm hand who was the second Earl’s lost son, but he worked, dammit.
In literature, weak chin = nobby = suspect.
In real life, weak chin = roguishly handsome.
And now I have spilled all of my secrets.
Yeah, I think it ties in with the effiminate/gay villain trope.
Zach Braff has a weak chin.
I like him! But a lot of people do NOT. But that’s an example of someone with a weak chin.
Isn’t it like Kenneth Parcell? “Medically, it’s a neck ridge.”
Ah, but this is timely, because I have just re-read Monstrous Regiment (and spent a good chunk of time thinking “What if this, but written by Mallory Ortberg,” and the rest figuring out which character is actually trans (It’s Mal) (and maybe Jackrum??)) and Lieutenant Blouse, the only cis man in the entire book, has a weak chin.
He is, granted, well-intentioned but largely ineffectual, but he is occasionally of some use.
It’s not as bad as having a full, sensual lower lip – if you’re a guy, that is. Or china-blue eyes instead of cornflower blue.
My favorite part of A Moveable Feast is when Hemingway describes someone he doesn’t like as having the face of a failed rapist. And you just know that dude had a weak chin.
Yeah. But… eh. If Toasties busting on me for something I can’t help is the worst thing I’ve got going this morning, I’m still doing fine.
I’m having a Costanza/Bennes inner monologue reading through these comments.
“Is that a thing I need to worry about now? Is that a new fault that I had that I didn’t know about before this moment? Shit.”
The chin reveal sounds like the reverse of bald John Michael Higgins.
“I’ve been dating THAT chin?”
Just wait until the next Cucumber Bandicoot post, and then we will all adore weak chins again.
Andre Braugher has a weak chin, and I would post photos of him in all his youthful beauty but apparently I don’t know how.
Most women cannot distinguish between the feeling of “love” and what happens when a young male has floppy hair that falls over his eyes; truly lovable men have eyes hidden so deeply behind a cascade of floppy chestnut hair they are effectively blind
Hoping my HTML works. Thanks, intensedebate.
My most shameful crush.
Mainly because he’s so skinny I would probably shatter every single one of his delicate, pretty bones.
As a woman who loves her some skinny, skinny menfolk…they are surprisingly resiliant. And thank the good lord for that.
DR REID 4-EVER
INTERN!
CAMPARI!
I had to nope out of Criminal Minds due to marathoning it at night (do not do this, you will conclude that there are murderers under your bed) but tbh I was and always shall be there, here, anywhere, for Spencer Reid and/or Matthew Gray Gubler.
Yes, “my heart willl go on”
“like a mean professor who always wears powder-blue button-ups and has a little bit of chest hair that’s not too dark and he withholds praise from you constantly?”
SHIT GUYS I ACTUALLY HAD ONE OF THOSE, IN COLLEGE
he was like “you’re excessively snarky in your writing to make up for the fact that you don’t know what you’re talking about” and I was like “thank you sir, more please :)))”
I…I also had several of those…but the problem was that they kept writing nice things about my work? Like, and encouraging me? And saying nice things?? I mean, how confusing was that. I cannot admire you from a distance if you keep being APPROACHABLE, ffs.
How can I idolize you if you keep coming down to my level and being all HUMAN and KIND. If you’re a geeky and socially awkward academic who makes references no one but me gets, who obviously is secretly pained by the inability of any of the rest of the students to understand what they’re studying, who integrates cold hard formal logic into class materials, aren’t you supposed to be hard on me so that I can work 10x more to please you? What’s all this caring, reaching out to struggling students, encouragement, and worse, charming warm glances and witty jokes?? I’m not actually supposed to be able to hang out with you as a friend or go out with you; you’re supposed to be desirable because you’re UNAVAILABLE. And obviously dating is out of the question. THAT would be inappropriate. Obviously
or two palm trees leaning against each other to form a big “X”
objective truth. any man who subtly aligns himself with In-N-Out branding can get it, is what I’m saying
GOOD CALL.
Aaand they have to be older, but of course. Older and superior and constantly patronising you and laughing indulgently at your silly little whims and sweeping you off your feet even when you object to their domineering sniggers. But more likely you don’t object, because you’re soo busy swooning.
But not so old that they’re also dating your mom.
wait you have to be old to do that?
I’m only older because most women my age are married. I first noticed it at 29. “Ohhhhh. So THAT’S how it happens!”
But I already told you I have a bunch of toys and plush Yoda and Darth Vader sitting on top of my couch. Yeah, I can pay my bills and cook and clean but….I wouldn’t have a leg to stand on, patronising-wise.
The whole point to this, m’dear, is Tropes Vs. Actual Men
PS How well did I pull off the patronising? 😛
Top marks!
“100% of women want to have sex with a man who embodies the fox version of Robin Hood from the cartoon Robin Hood, but most do not actually want to have sex with a fox or a man dressed as one”
You noticed that, huh?
Thank you for the Drimble Wedge. I’m convinced that Peter Cook was reincarnated in Robyn Hitchcock. Like, Robyn was already alive when he died, but he’d been saving the spot for him and then Cook completely assumed control.
Chin-strengthening surgery.
I would also add that a man must waggle his eyebrows. It makes him sound like an old school villain who tied damsels to railroad tracks. Waggle. Weird.
“Mouth like genocide” will now be stuck in my head for the rest of the day to the tune of “Love’s like suicide” by Soundgarden.
THANKS. Stuck in mine too now…
Mine was Lt. Cmdr. Data. And also the Tin Man.
My fondness for emotionally unavailable men goes way back, is what I’m saying.
EDIT: damn your eyes, intensedebate, this was a reply to es_petal.
I got a notification for it!
And yet it appears at the way bottom of the page. SO CONFUSING.
And this is how I discovered both my hetero- and robosexuality.
He wants to learn to LOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE.
i remember feeling like i was supposed to crush on Riker, but actually crushed on Geordi.
annnd now my SO is a lovely computer engineer
i also crushed on levar burton, but via reading rainbow, haha.
him being BOTH roles at the same time was mindblowing for me, and definitey added to his awesomeness
I feel like crushing on Geordi instead of Riker is a sign of good character.
mine was Shaggy from Scooby Doo and, like, why, 6-7 year old self. why.
I think that was the overall thrust (ha) of “If Channing Tatum were your boyfriend.”
It’s really good when a man could hurt you and maybe spends a lot of time hurting other people but makes an exception in his hurting-people schedule for at least one woman he doesn’t hurt, but he could if he wanted to, only he doesn’t, so it would be great if he murdered everybody except for you and didn’t murder you even a little bit
Sometimes women instead love it when men are little and sweaty and sleazy, like a sexual rat, idk
¯_(ツ)_/¯
Yes. Gimme.
OH MY GOD WHY
I’m sorry, I’m really sorry, climb every mountain, follow every hetero dream
you do you
It’s okay, while I do identify as hetero, really I just have a weakness for emotionally wounded machiavellian half-villains of any gender, so yeah, just gonna keep being single for now while I ponder that one.
But does the increasingly Irish accent play a part?
(I know he’s Irish but he’s STILL gettin’ hammy with it)
(which is fine)
Not really? I mean, bonus points for accents, but I think it’s more:
– smarter than everyone else
– powerful but not all alpha about it
– sharp dresser
– salt & pepper hair
– probably was a decent and compassionate human once, before he got his heart broken by Cat and was otherwise crapped on by the world and so you want to be the one to show him love and tenderness and help him open his heart once again, or something else like that that would only work in dreams even if he wasn’t a fictional character
*nods*
You’ve gotta save him.
From the world *and* himself.
And then he will love you in return, with an intensity and passion that frightens him a little because it’s the only thing he doesn’t know how to control.
http://grooveshark.com/s/Never+Knew+Love+Like+Thi…
FINALLY SOMEBODY UNDERSTANDS ME
RIGHT!?
Upon admitting this attraction my friend replied “Littlefinger makes my vagina want to crawl up inside of me and hide”. More than anatomically typical, one would presume.
It’s a niche lust. And please, it’s Lord Baelish. Bae lish.
As a mostly heterosexual female I find myself attracted to men with innumerable freckles, but a weak chin cannot be tolerated.
Also I would fuck the Ylvis brothers while they were wearing their fox costumes.
Mallory my first crushes were Martin and Gonff circa Mossflower, which is why I find your humorless Twitter troll so personally offensive.
I love the cartoon fox/gay intersection that exists upon knowing the Disney Robin Hood voice actor is gay and 80 years old and partnered with a man and they both had long careers in classical stage and screen. And he recently played Lady Bracknell in The Importance of Being Earnest.
Oh my god this fact has just brightened my entire day, and possibly the rest of my week as well.
Wait, Brian Bedford?
Did you see that production? It was amazing! And he did a one man show reading Wilde’s letters that year too?
I only saw a Youtube clip of Bedford as Bracknell that turned up when I was trying to put a face to that charming fox voice and I was SO PLEASED
He got an ovation just for walking out in character! It was incredible. He directed that production as well, and I thought I was actually going to DIE laughing, eyes streaming with tears at some of the scenes.
I cried during the Wilde letters production as well. He was alone on stage with a podium reading letters for over an hour. It was spell-binding and funny and heartbreaking.
look I know we’ve covered this territory already but can I just say, I feel really understood as a person today because of all the comments re: Robin Hood and David Bowie in Labyrinth. Thank you Toast readers and Mallory.
And Gambit. Apparently every woman born in the 80s watched the X-Men cartoon, but might not have known that all the other girls were watching it too.
Oh, dear lord. Spent so much of my youth thinking that if a guy treated all of the women in his life like dirt but was good to you, that made you special.
Nope, it just makes you his next victim.
Yeah. I finally figured that out when I was 20 and it was the biggest revelation.
I knew this guy who was a complete jerk – he dated a couple of my friends and was a complete asshole to them and I couldn’t figure out how this dirtbag kept getting these awesome women to date him. And the one day, he turned on the charm on me, and I was flattered. I spent like a day walking around with stars in my eyes, saying to myself “Mark G was *nice* to me.” And then I come to my senses. And realized it was just a strategy, and that was how he kept ensnaring his poor girlfriends.
I can’t stop watching this gif and I have to say, my God, he looks young. Is young. S’OK, though (said like Lestrade!), because I am his age and was his age at the time of ARWAV. S’OK!
Yes, he’s floppy….but he becomes THE SILVER FOX.
100 percent accurate. Alas.
re: floppy hair: I cannot break my self-imposed “no tumblr at work” rule, lest chaos ensue, but where are my Leverage/Librarians friends with Christian Kane gifs??
FINE here they are
(Extra fluffy hair this episode, not sure why)
Oh man thank you, I have no gif game at all.
Tumblr loves Christian Kane’s hair, so it’s pretty easy to find stuff there.
No joke, that episode is peak Christian Kane hair. I wish I could get that much volume.
OMG all these years I thought I was insane for having a crush on Peter Pan when I was little. It’s nice to know the cartoon thing happened to everyone.
Men should have a TON of money but not care about it for even a SECOND, he should literally forget he even has money
hahaha he looks so confused
frustrated that I cannot like this multiple times
MY LOVE OF SKINNY DUDES WITH INTERESTING BONE STRUCTURE IS VALIDATED BY TOASTIES, I CAN DIE HAPPY NOW
*sends link to comment thread to every nasty person who’s ever made a snide comment about my taste in pretty skinny boys, including my mother, HARRUMPH*
Nick Cave?
(the chin could be a concern)
So, with the exception of Robin “Fox” Hood, who isn’t human, hetero women aren’t attracted to quick-witted, brainy, Trickstery men. Suddenly I realize what I’ve been doing wrong all these years.
Mmm, actually I have quite a thing for Marvel’s version of Loki, who combines the trickster/brainy with the eyes, floppy hair and such.
Oh, the tricky, wily ones always do it for me, no matter what they do with their hair. Which is why I never got the attraction of Angel but sure got it with Spike–and completely get why the latter went from disposable Not Even All That Big Bad to The One We Just Can’t Kill Off. Loki, of course, is THE Trickster, the archetype to end all archetypes. But heroes of romance? Never seem to have much wit about them. I guess that’s why they need those weirdly soft fists.
I don’t want to dislike Tom Hiddleston.
But…he has really rabid really aroused fans.
Most of them seem to be my friends.
I’m sure Tom’s a good kid. Loki’s hair always looks so greasy though, like he wants to remake “Rattle And Hum”. Come on….Herbal Essences…and some Fructis leave-in conditioner…let’s do this.
A tumblr I follow had an impassioned defence of why they like Tom Hiddleston, and it was NOT JUST BECAUSE he was An Attractive Dude but he also has FEELINGS and PASSIONS and GOALS and they were just really interested in how he became an actor and what he wanted out of life and they just want him to succeed as an actor and a person, and it went on for several paragraphs because they weren’t like those other fans that just posted shirtless pics.
The Tom Hiddleston fandom. It’s real fucking intense over there, all I want to do is have my homosexuality questioned by some gifs, dude. Jesus.
Loki’s hair always looks so greasy though, like he wants to remake “Rattle And Hum”.
I regret that I have but one thumbs-up to give to this comment.
“tied to a bunch of cabins in the woods”
so what you’re saying is, the most erotic man is that old man trapped in the roots underground in Game of Thrones, or a literal Ent?
“Eyes ain’t ALL I got three of!”
……..
No, that doesn’t really work, does it
I think ents are like the durable skinny guys discussed elsewhere here. Treebeard’s all “I FEEL LIKE AN ALLIGATOR CLIMBING UP THE ESCALATOR!”
(I’m saying his green balls are blue. They lost the entwives!)
Wait is that video an actual song that actual people listened to? It’s not performance art? Damn, what even were the 60s
It’s from the movie “Bedazzled”. That’s the Devil singing, actually.
(not to “actually”, just saying he’s, you know, in disguise)
This post is ENTIRELY bewildering to me. I… apparently never paid an iota of attention to the men in the romantic stories I read, fanfic or otherwise.
I should take notes on this, so that I can finally understand my straight + not-ace friends’ talking about hot celebrities.
I absolutely love this. Thank you for posting.
Lesbian, and the Robin Hood thing still totally applies.
All you need now is a quirky every girl with life problems that could be fixed by broody befuddled helpless charming competent loner penis and you could make SO many movies.
So does this happen a lot? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YWLG7OQCuFo
Mouth like a genocide
Hair-obscured vision
He’s a Robin Hood fox
Not a heavy thinker
Chin like a battleship
He’s got The Look
Here’s what I learned from reading romance novels:
1) No desirable man ever laughs without first throwing his head back.
2) Wanting to have sex with you and/or being angry literally makes his eyes a darker color.
100% of women want to have sex with a man who embodies the fox version of Robin Hood from the cartoon Robin Hood, but most do not actually want to have sex with a fox or a man dressed as one
This is possibly the most accurate sentence in the history of ever.
“It’s good if a man is skittish and terrified of affection, like a beautiful horse that appears on the edge of a frozen lake one day and you have to tame it by bringing it a handful of food every day until it slowly comes to learn your scent (but with sex)”
Um yes this is why I will like Cameron from Ferris Bueller better than Ferris, forever and always
Ferris was that asshole who would see you happily watching people dance at a wedding and wouldn’t leave you alone until you either joined the stupid dancing or became irate at his pestering and he told you to “calm down, I just wanted you to have fun”.
The “romance” novels, all written by women, I’ve read recently make me wonder about women’s ideal about sex and romance – and I AM a woman.
“It’s really good when a man could hurt you and maybe spends a lot of time hurting other people but makes an exception in his hurting-people schedule for at least one woman he doesn’t hurt, but he could if he wanted to, only he doesn’t, so it would be great if he murdered everybody except for you and didn’t murder you even a little bit”
haha
Today I happened to come upon what I *think* is the only use of the phrase “cruel mouth” in the canon of Charles Dickens, which I only noticed because I’d just read this brilliant post… It’s in Little Dorrit, describing the angry, beautiful, sexually ambiguous character Miss Wade.
That video clip… What in God’s name.
Totally grooved on the Bedazzled reference. Well done. 😉
So guilty. So so very guilty on all counts.
“Sometimes women instead love it when men are little and sweaty and sleazy, like a sexual rat, idk”
This explains how Rumplestiltskin won over Captain Hook in the official “Sexiest Man in Once Upon a Time” poll.
Totally true about Robin Hood (as played by Michael Praed).
Completely true about weak chins.
And Mr Rochester.
And Poldark (as played by Aidan Turner).
yo, the library is OPEN, as in, not only did you read books about hetero desire, but you also totally read me with these ones:
“It’s good if a man is skittish and terrified of affection, like a beautiful horse that appears on the edge of a frozen lake one day and you have to tame it by bringing it a handful of food every day until it slowly comes to learn your scent (but with sex)”
“like a mean professor who always wears powder-blue button-ups and has a little bit of chest hair that’s not too dark and he withholds praise from you constantly?”
the thirst is real, thank you for understanding and hilariously articulating even though you do not want to partake
Apparently I am reading the wrong books!
Mallory Ortberg everything you write is perfect and every time I finish a piece I get sad because it’s over but happy because it happened
This has made my day!
This has made my day!
Mine was David Bowie in Labyrinth. It was the eye makeup and leggings that made 5-year-old me go "Now THAT'S a man!"
I was just glad she got to bone both of them. I couldn't choose either.
I just found this, and it is awesome. But I just want to point out that Jensen Ackles has freckles. He’s damn sexy with his freckle face 😉
I’ve 100% internalized all the stuff about the hair
but like, most of this is just “women like tsunderes too”
I just watched "Bring It On" and the altdude love interest's smile is PERMANENTLY crooked, like just 90 minutes of "aw shucks [head shake] that girl is just– [head shakes] aw shucks [hair is floppy]".
I find freckles attractive, actually, but you’re right about the chins :p