How To Impress The Good-Looking Butches At Your Local Pet Supply Store -The Toast

How To Impress The Good-Looking Butches At Your Local Pet Supply Store

ByDaniel Mallory Ortberg

on May 20, 2015 in Advice

1. Bring the absolute smallest cat you can find in a carrier. No, smaller than that.

2. Draw attention to the fact that you brought the cat carrier into the store because you “didn’t want to leave him in the car,” so they know you are not the kind of person who leaves baby kittens in cars, not even for a second, you would carry a thousand baby kittens across a river before you even even tried to feed a sandwich to your own self because you don’t even care about yourself, just the kittens.

3. Bring up Sailor Moon. Wait until she points out that the tiny cat you’re carrying around with you looks like he’s wearing a suit, and then mention Tuxedo Mask while maintaining deliberate yet casual eye contact. Say it in a way that implies you would like to be her Tuxedo Mask.

4. Buy everything that she suggests, even though you’re only looking after him for a day before he goes to your friend Liz’ house for good. It’s too soon to start fighting.

5. Casually mention that you rescued the little kitten not on your own behalf, but for a friend. Drop your voice at least half an octave while you say this.

6. See if you can work Sailor Moon back into the conversation, to remind her of the good times, from before, when you two were talking about Sailor Moon.

7. Pretend not to know the difference between the different type of water bowls. Let her explain them to you. See? You’re already learning from each other.

8. Pay for your purchases, but meaningfully. You know how I mean.

9. Go home and take care of the kitten. They’ll come. Sooner or later, they will come.

Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.

Comments (74)

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+209 Vote up Vote down

writingortyping 133p · 515 weeks ago

This was our Milo when he was a tiny babycat - actually this was after we had him for a bit. He weighed ONE POUND when he was found in a parking lot and delivered into our care.

Got Cute?

16 replies · active 515 weeks ago

+73 Vote up Vote down

damanoid 134p · 515 weeks ago

Optional: When she remarks, "Actually, I'm just here to pick up a new toy for my pet turtle, Grandissimus," unlock your mutant genetic potential to spontaneously manifest spider-powers and retreat backward straight up the wall.

+441 Vote up Vote down

crawlkill 129p · 515 weeks ago

The Toast is not your personal missed connections MALLORY although isn't that a shame you should change that immediately

3 replies · active 515 weeks ago

+45 Vote up Vote down

mabissam 121p · 515 weeks ago

"Well, you know, I already had a feather wand at home, just in case a kitten happened to come by. But I suppose getting some other toys would be a good idea." [BUYS ALL THE TOYS]

1 reply · active 515 weeks ago

+64 Vote up Vote down

Yoshi · 515 weeks ago

I routinely do this but with baristas. You'd be amazed how many questions one can ask about peppermint tea.

+10 Vote up Vote down

Trish · 515 weeks ago

I needed this last Friday when I was at that good-looking author's reading. The best comment I could think of by myself was, "What an interesting looking tattoo you've got!" (I didn't actually say that.)

+168 Vote up Vote down

GreenGrasses 121p · 515 weeks ago

Go home and take care of the kitten. They’ll come. Sooner or later, they will come.

10. Make a post on your popular feminist humor site asking the best way to lure butch pet store workers into your house so that you may bathe and care for them.

+129 Vote up Vote down

wakatopatopa 145p · 515 weeks ago

I'm just going to leave this here...

These are my tiny lover kittens. One is eight ounces. The other is ten. BARELY A POUND. MOSTLY FLUFF.

2 replies · active 515 weeks ago

+279 Vote up Vote down

hugpunch 130p · 515 weeks ago

Put a bowl of quinoa on your porch when you see the butch sniffing around your yard. Don't startle her, for a good-looking butch can be skittish.

4 replies · active 514 weeks ago

+23 Vote up Vote down

Fare · 515 weeks ago

Once again, Ortberg, you prove that you are the woman I hope to be one day.

+37 Vote up Vote down

Becky · 515 weeks ago

Then, head over to the local animal shelter and meet far cooler butches. The kind with freckles.

+104 Vote up Vote down

heyingridhei 121p · 515 weeks ago

Would 1000 % watch this romcom.

5 replies · active 514 weeks ago

+45 Vote up Vote down

rawrbook 125p · 515 weeks ago

All these kitten postings lately have made me duper sad I have bad cat allergies. Somehow I don't think that butches at the pet shop would believe that I rescued my beta fish from a sad life on the streets...

6 replies · active 514 weeks ago

+19 Vote up Vote down

Orla 114p · 515 weeks ago

My local pet supply store is all out of butches (instead there are charming young men who fanboy over my game t-shirts), but that's ok because this is wonderful (and they are charming).

+92 Vote up Vote down

neeelkomol 102p · 515 weeks ago

11. Namedrop The Toast. DONE.

2 replies · active 514 weeks ago

+67 Vote up Vote down

laurenipsum 109p · 515 weeks ago

Relevant to this thread: a hoodie with a cat-sized pouch for them to snuggle in.

4 replies · active 515 weeks ago

+47 Vote up Vote down

Kat · 515 weeks ago

this is pteppic snuggling against errol. pteppic weighs nothing and he is too small even to miaow, he can only peep. my mum's work has a startling amount of reckless animal owners working there, so one of them basically brought this one into work at 7 weeks old and said "who wants him?" very bad and reckless >:( she is also expecting another tiny peep in a few weeks from yet another colleague who can't or won't take advantage of our very readily available and heavily subsidized neutering and spaying services in this country.

4 replies · active 514 weeks ago

+15 Vote up Vote down

CleverManka 143p · 515 weeks ago

Where was this list when I was single?

+15 Vote up Vote down

mkpatter 114p · 515 weeks ago

Pretty sure this works on all attractive women, not just butches.

+28 Vote up Vote down

Alice · 515 weeks ago

But how do I find a teeny cat in an apartment block? MALLORY PLEASE HELP I NEED A KITTEN SUPPLY

Alternatively where do I find the lesbian art historians I know they're out there somewhere but they're elusive as kittens

2 replies · active 514 weeks ago

+21 Vote up Vote down

Lindsay · 515 weeks ago

"Bring up Sailor Moon" is a good rule of thumb for all situations, everywhere. Always bring up Sailor Moon. Job interview? Bring up Sailor Moon. Funeral? Bring up Sailor Moon. Minor foot surgery? Bring up Sailor Moon.

+9 Vote up Vote down

Lily · 515 weeks ago

I already found the title way too relatable but I'm glad that my innate love of Sailor Moon would help in such a hypothetical situation

+12 Vote up Vote down

blogjeshka 109p · 514 weeks ago

This is so relevant to my life. There's a pet store down the street of me and it's constantly swamped with butches. Like, I've never seen so many butches in one place, outside of a drag show. One day a cute girl came in with a baby kitten and, long story short, I'm sure she left with a ton of numbers that day. Now I know how to up my game and stay competitive. Thanks, Mallory.

+4 Vote up Vote down

Katrina · 514 weeks ago

HAHAHAHA YES NEXT TIME I'LL BE PREPARED!
but really the last time something like this happened I just got really flustered and walked away without my stuff or paying and I had to go back for it all and i died a little.

+1 Vote up Vote down

Cat Allergy Shampoo 32p · 502 weeks ago

Staying even more vigilant on house cleaning will help reduce a lot of the allergens in the house. Also buying a really good air cleaning machine and a humidifier will do a lot for everyone's health in your home. Bathing your cat once a month with Neem soap will help reduce cat dander, which is what most people are allergic to Cat Allergies.

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