Previously: The comment section on every recipe blog.

It sounds like you’re wearing the wrong bra size.

Did you know that 400% of American women are wearing the wrong bra size?

Most women don’t even realize that they’re wearing the wrong bra size.

If your breasts have leapt off of your torso, you’re probably not wearing the right bra size.

You should hand-wash your bras after every single use. If you wear the same bra two days in a row, most of what you think of as the bra’s fabric has actually been replaced by dead skin cells, and you’re disgusting.

Um, I only own three bras and I bought them all ten years ago and I’ve never washed them, because boobs don’t sweat.

YOU NEVER PUT A BRA IN THE DRYER, IT WARPS!

Even the best bras can stretch and warp over time. A bra that used to be the right size might not be after a few weeks. If you don’t replace your bras every six months, you’re probably wearing the wrong bra size.

You need to go down a band size and up a cup size.

No, you need to go up a band size and down a cup size.

No, you need to switch to using the middle hook and adjust your straps while reversing your band and cup size.

There’s one perfect bra. It’s in a cave, and it belongs to a woman named Femputer. I saw her once. She looked incredible. She will never let me have it.

Have you thought about getting fitted to see what bra size you really are? You’re probably wearing the wrong bra size.

Has anyone considered that maybe bras are just uncomfortable?

The right size bra is never uncomfortable. If you can find the right bra for your body, you’ll never experience pain or suffering for the rest of your life. You’ll die painlessly in your sleep, with your perfect, right-sized bra.

Wearing the wrong bra size is probably why you can’t get a promotion at work. Only women who wear the right bra sizes get corner offices.

I never wear a bra, and I’m the President of God, so much for your theory.

If you’re not willing to spend $85 on a bra, you’ll never find one that fits. The lettered-cup sizing is a lie and a myth designed to keep women distracted from the real issues. There’s a better way to tell what size bra you should wear, but I can’t tell you what it is.