We Will Now List The Ninja Turtles As Other Famous Foursomes

by Jaya Saxena · December 15, 2015

This is the definitive comparison of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles as other foursomes. For reference, I am a Raphael. I will accept no arguments.

Harry Potter

Gryffindor leads turtle teens

Ravenclaw does machines

Slytherin is cool but rude

Hufflepuff’s a party dude

 

Sex and the City

Leonardo is a Carrie

Michelangelo is a Samanta

Raphael is a Charlotte

Donatello is a Miranda

(Splinter is Mr. Big? DISCUSS)

 

The Beatles

Raphael is John Lennon if there ever was one, and Paul McCartney is Leonardo. George Harrison is Donatello but Ringo is a much smarter Michelangelo than anyone gives him credit for.

 

Ghostbusters

Dr. Egon Spengler does indeed do machines, and though he acts like a leader is definitely more of a Donatello. It would be easy to place Dr. Peter Venkman as Michelangelo, but he’s cunning and prone to strange outbursts, so he’s definitely Raphael. Winston Zeddmore is the true Leonardo of the gang, while Dr. Ray Stanz gets a blowjob from a ghost, a total Michelangelo move.

 

Mean Girls

Regina George may be the leader but she’s no Leonardo. Frankly, either is Cady Heron. They’re Raphael and Donatello, respectively. Gretchen Weiners tries to invent ridiculous slang too much to be anyone but Michelangelo, making Karen Smith…Leonardo? A hot take but I’ll stand by it.

 

Gossip Girl

I’m going to say Chuck Bass is the Michelangelo, just because he commits to having as much fun as his lifestyle can afford him and he’s the one most likely to wear orange. The other three are Raphaels. Nobody does machines.

 

Little Women

I have never read Little Women.

 

h/t to Rie and Matt for the inspiration

Jaya Saxena is a Staff Writer at The Toast.


86 Comments

  1. fireblargg +208

    Michelangelo di Lodovico Buonarroti Simoni is Leonardo. Leonardo da Vinci is definitely Donatello. Donatello is probably Michelangelo, though I don’t know how much he liked pizza. This means Raphael is the only correctly named turtle.

    1. RudyRed +25

      I disagree with this assessment! Michelangelo di etc. was prone to gigantic hissy fits, so clearly he is Raphael.

    2. builtahouse +11

      I feel like standing outside your house with a stereo propped on my shoulder to express my love for you.

  2. atlasblue85 +11

    I don’t know enough about TMNT to sort them as members on One Direction BUT IF I DID

    can someone help me out here???

    1. fireblargg +4

      I don’t know much about One Direction, else I’d jump in…but all you really need to know about TMNT is their descriptions from the theme song, as quoted by Jaya in the Hogwarts houses one.

      1. emilysaysgo +8

        I’m going to go with…Liam leads turtle teens, Niall does machines (not because he actually does but because he doesn’t fit anywhere else. This probably should have been Zayn), Louis is cool but rude, and Harry is a party dude.

        This is, however, with zero TMNT knowledge.

        1. BobbieWickham +9

          I think these are the correct assignments! Niall has been wearing glasses lately, which is a very Donatello trait.

          1. FeatherPillowcase +4

            FALSE
            Niall= INDISPUTABLY Michelangelo
            Harry= Leonardo
            Liam= Donatello
            Louis= Raphael
            (so I guess 2 out of 4 were right but honestly suggesting Niall is anything but Michelangelo is heresy)

          3. megalesias +4

            yeah, I think this is my sorting, as well. Louis is absolutely Raphael and Niall is absolutely Michelangelo, and of the two left, imo Liam is more of a Leonardo than Harry

            of course if Zayn were still here ( ;__; ), he could be Donatello, and then Harry could be Splinter: a zen philosopher type with infuriatingly vague advice and stories that tend to go nowhere

          1. megalesias +6

            much as I love him, I wouldn’t think to typecast him as “the smart one”, is all I’m saying

    3. ears of steam +1

      ooops I totally missed this and put this at the bottom of the thread. I would say:

      Louis is Leonardo <– seems the most focused and business minded
      Harry is Raphael <— undeniably effortlessly cool, also constantly the subject of rumor and innuendo
      Niall is Donatello <— a nerd who just wants to wear his glasses and get back to his golf game
      Liam is Michaelangelo <— when I saw them live he was definitely, uh, partying

  4. literarysara +99

    Leonardo is John Laurens (every day is a test of his camaraderie and bravery)
    Donatello is Marquis de Lafayette (no one matches his practical tactical brilliance)
    Raphael is Alexander Hamilton (sometimes he shoots off at the mouth)
    Michelangelo is . . . HERCULES MULLIGAN
    (he needs no introduction)

    1. seasleepy +5

      Oh man, I missed Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers on that list the first time I saw that comic. That is a great and terrible substitution to know about.

  6. aqwaplop +38

    Bruce McCulloch leads
    Mark McKinney does machines
    Dave Foley is cool but rude
    and Scott Thompson is a party dude

    (sorry Kevin)

  7. jimmyjimjimjim +72

    The trick to finding the Leonardo (or Cyclops) of any team is:
    Find the one that gets described by their role instead of their personality.

  8. Annelise +52

    Is this an appropriate place to tell the internet that Shredder kickstarted an uncomfortably pre-pubescent interest in S+M? There’s this one scene where he’s got April tied to a chair….

  9. mintjulips +23

    In Friends, none of the 6 “friends” make the cut or do machines.

    Gunther is Splinter, however.

  10. lrljhnsn +32

    Mr. Big is not Splinter. I don’t know who IS Splinter, but Big is not.

    ETA: Mr. Big is Shredder.

  12. sheistolerable +32

    Mark = Leonardo
    Matthew = Raphael
    Luke = Michaelangelo
    John = Donatello

    Mallory and other religion-nerd Toasties, check my work plz

    2. westernstudies +4

      summoning vague memories of new testament class in undergrad — wouldn’t john be raphael, given that john isn’t one of the synoptic gospels making raphael kind of the outlier?

    3. thekatriarch +6

      I’ve taken a couple of undergrad classes on the Bibles! Personally I think you can make a case for Luke as either Donatello or Leonardo. It’s the longest, most complete of the synoptic gospels, and it’s the most methodical. The dude who wrote it clearly spent a lot of time doing his homework. I’m inclined to assign it to Donny for that reason. I would give Mark to Michaelangelo; it’s the shortest and the earliest, like someone was in a big hurry to get it written down so they could get back to doing other stuff. To me that’s how Mikey would approach a homework assignment. I agree with Fang that as the kind of rebel loner of the group, Raphael makes a good match for John, although presumably he’s less anti-Semitic (I don’t know that this ever comes up). That leaves Matthew for Leo, which makes sense since Matthew comes first in your New Testament.

      so my ranking
      Matthew: Leo
      Mark: Mikey
      Luke: Donny
      John: Raphael

      Why is doing this so fun

    4. lundelizabeth +8

      I did not know until I read this comment that at some point in the past I had mentally matched up the Gospels with the four actual “TMNT” Renaissance artists.

      Mark=Donatello (earlier and simpler)
      John=Raphael (later, more poetic/flashy)
      Matthew=Michelangelo (best known? Or maybe just because it starts with “M”?)
      Luke=Leonardo (most intellectual)

  13. mandarinmarie +16

    I have four cats and my husband and I do this CONSTANTLY. I can’t believe we’ve never done ninja turtles.

  14. suzynjackson +11

    I have not read Little Women either. However, I urge everyone to read March, by Geraldine Brooks, which tells the dad’s side of the story and is AMAZING. And then go read People of the Book by her, just because it’s awesome.

    1. EmpressofBland +4

      I read March and then went back to read Little Women again, just to check whether the Little Women were all as insufferable as March made them seem.

      They were.

  16. sednarea51 +60

    Leonardo: Captain America
    Donatello: Iron Man
    Raphael: Hulk
    Michelangelo: Thor

    Black Widow is April O’Neal. Hawkeye is a sentient slice of pizza.

    1. RudyRed +18

      Hawkeye is Casey Jones – the non-powered person who likes to think he’s a superhero and everyone else just humors him.

    2. threatqualitypress +18

      Man, I don’t know, I feel like Hulk is Raphael, but it’s Banner that is Donatello, and Iron Man is Michelangelo. I don’t know who Thor is supposed to be, maybe Usagi Yojimbo.

  17. sednarea51 +20

    ALSO: please meet in the comments of this post if you wish to discuss your preteen crush on Casey Jones

  19. mousselynes +3

    Churchill is Leonardo.
    FDR is Donatello.
    Stalin is Raphael.
    …and idk who Michelangelo is. De Gaulle? Chiang Kai-Shek?

    1. GrandREvans +15

      My Turtles knowledge is a bit rusty, but here goes:

      Dorothy is clearly the leader, and I vaguely remember Rose having an inexplicable talent for car repair in at least one episode (possibly due to life in St. Olaf), so they’re easy enough. Sophia is super cool and has no filter, which can occasionally come across as crude or at least rude, which is close enough. And Blanche…well, party on, Blanche.

      Ergo, submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society (Toasties Chapter):

      Dorothy Zbornak=Leonardo
      Rose Nylund=Donatello
      Sophia Petrillo=Raphael
      Blanche Devereaux=Michelangelo

      The gay gardener from the pilot=Splinter
      Cheesecake=Pizza

  21. westernstudies +53

    THE GOLDEN GIRLS:

    Rose = Donatello
    Blanche = Michelangelo
    Dorothy = Leonardo
    Sophia = Raphael

    Rose is constantly building things (birdhouses for terrible city council candidates! wooden shoes made out of cheese for her daughter’s visit! cakes depicting stan’s cousin’s escape from communist czechoslovakia!)

    Blanche is, in fact, the original party dude

    Dorothy is the one who keeps the household in order and serves as the moral compass etc. etc.

    And Sophia, of course, exists to fuck shit up!

  22. lanascrub +8

    I’m assuming the Gossip Girl famous foursome is the NJBC (chuck, serena, blair, nate) in which case I’m going to make two arguments:
    1. No WAY are Serena and Nate Raphaels, Raphael tends to do things on purpose and S & N are just beautiful golden puppies who are constantly knocking your shit over and accidentally biting children in their excitement
    2. Dan is obviously April O’Neill which works out great because Georgina Sparks makes a great Casey Jones

  25. typewriterandgramophone +16

    Leonardo: Peggy Olson
    Donatello: Pete Campbell
    Michaelangelo: Roger Sterling
    Raphael: Don Draper

    April O’Neill: Joan Holloway

    Splinter: Bert Cooper

    (I am open to correction.)

  26. typewriterandgramophone +9

    Ooh- Sayers leads, Allingham does machines, Marsh is cool but rude (she was!) Christie is a Party Dame!

  28. d.a.f.punk +7

    Donatello: Velma
    Leonardo: Fred
    Raphael: Scooby
    Michelangelo: Shaggy
    And Daphne is April O’Neil. (Bonus: both have been portrayed by Sarah Michelle Gellar.)

  29. ears of steam +1

    wait but what about One Direction?

    My best assessment:
    Louis is Leonardo
    Harry is Raphael
    Niall is Donatello
    Liam is Michaelangelo

  31. cemb63 +3

    LOTR Hobbits (all hobbits are Michaelangelo to some extent, but have variations when you dig deeper)
    Frodo takes on the responsibility and is Leonardo
    Sam always stops for lunch and is Michaelangelo
    Merry is Donatello (didn’t really do machines, but he has the maps)
    Pippin is Raphael (always rushing into a fight)

    I can’t quite make the rest of The Fellowship work though. I assume Gandalf is Splinter, which presumably leaves Aragorn as Leonardo. Gimli must be Donatello because dwarves are makers. And Boromir being so suspicious and cool and rude should be Raphael, but Legolas can’t be Michaelangelo so I must have gone wrong somewhere.

  32. Old_Girl +18

    Avatar: the Last Airbender!

    Leonardo: Katara (the moral compass and actual leader of the group)
    Donatello: Aang (against violence, arguably a genius)
    Raphael: Toph is there to talk shit and throw rocks at people
    Michaelangelo: Sokka is a party dude!

    1. bethcorriveau +9

      Legend of Korra

      Korra: Leonardo (although maybe a bit more Michelangelo in the beginning)
      Asami: Donatello
      Mako: Raphael
      Bolin: Michelangelo

      Tenzin: Splinter

    1. bethcorriveau +6

      I’d say:

      Peter – Leonardo (obviously)
      Susan – Raphael (snarky, cool)
      Edmund – Michelangelo (well, not so much a party dude, but if anyone would sell out for candy…)
      Lucy – Donatello (less for the machines, more for him pretty much having Leonardo’s back all the time)

  35. Samantha Clarke +5

    Well I HAVE read Little Women, and Amy is definitely Michaelangelo, Meg is Leonardo, Beth is Donatello and Jo is Raphael.

    Someone back me up here.

  36. cemb63 +10

    Oh, and
    Leia leads space teens
    Luke does machines
    Han is cool but rude
    and, uh, is Chewbacca a party dude?
    Obi-Wan is Splinter.

  39. Sunbear +2

    the godfather:

    Don Corleone: Leonardo
    Michael Corleone: Donatello
    Sonny: Raphael
    Fredo: Michaelangelo

  40. Beth

    I'd say:

    Peter – Leonardo (obviously)
    Susan – Raphael (snarky, cool)
    Edmund – Michelangelo (well, not so much a party dude, but if anyone would sell out for candy…)
    Lucy – Donatello (less for the machines, more for him pretty much having Leonardo's back all the time)

  41. Beth

    Legend of Korra

    Korra: Leonardo (although maybe a bit more Michelangelo in the beginning)
    Asami: Donatello
    Mako: Raphael
    Bolin: Michelangelo

    Tenzin: Splinter

  42. mintjulips +4

    Archer:

    Mallory Archer is Leonardo, the fierce leader
    Lana is Donatello, the smart one
    Sterling Archer is Michelangelo, ughh
    Pam is Raphael, cool but rude