Extremely Sad Boys In Fancy Dress In Western Art History

by Mallory Ortberg · February 11, 2016

fancy3

“I am the noblest lady of this court, second only to the Queen. Yet I am the saddest of mortals in France.”

 

fancy4

hat-and-scarf combos aren’t everything, you know
they’re nothing if you don’t have someone to share them with

 

fancy5

no, no 
the epaulets are fine 
i just 
i thought there would be more tassels 
i only have tassels on the one arm 
it’s fine, it’s plenty of tassels
it’s fine

 

fancy6

what’s the point of having an alabaster brow if all the other poets have alabaster brows

 

fancy2

i said i wanted layers
not FEATHERING 
this isn’t what i meant at all

 

fancy7

all the slouchy hats and shoulder-ribbons in the world couldn’t cure what i’m feeling right now

 

fancy8

stripes
what good are stripes to me
when i know full well that there are at least fourscore boys in Pisa alone with more stripes than I have on their most ordinary walking-cloaks

 

fancy9

this comically oversized feather makes a mockery of my pain 

 

fancy10

i just know somewhere out there is a young man with a higher collar than mine
and it makes me want to spit nails and die

 

fancy11

you wouldnt underSTAND

miseryfancy1

i know
objectively
that i am a fancy boy
but i don’t FEEL like a fancy boy sometimes

[Images via]

 

Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.


85 Comments

    1. jimmyjimjimjim +27

      Finding twins in art is fun.

      I’m not-quite-twins with like 85% of paintings of St. Jerome and I suspect by the time I get as old as they usually paint him it will be full on twinsies. Which is double fun because my last name comes from Jerome (by way of about a dozen countries+ellis island). My mother and I both stopped short the first time we noticed that.

        1. bookdom +8

          I was just thinking that he has Joffrey’s expression down pat, but Draco is a closer match. Either way, he gives me the creeps.

        2. galeforcewind +5

          THIS is what I was coming down here to see/say! I love you Toasties, for always knowing my heart

  5. pscscrysta +36

    First one: I write small notes of my pain, hanging them where anyone can find them, and yet…

  6. builtahouse +74

    “i just know somewhere out there is a young man with a higher collar than mine
    and it makes me want to spit nails and die”

    how did you capture my internal monologue when I look at pictures of myself at fancy-dress events.

  7. aravisthequeen +76

    Scissors Man there looks like he’s sadly ready to start hacking away at the fabric. “I have no choice,” he thinks, “my clothes might as well be rags for all the good they do me. No, I want you to watch my misery!”

    And High Collar Man looks equal parts sad and baffled, like he’s sitting on a park bench and some lady has gone over to talk with an even higher collar man and left him alone. “I don’t understand. My tailor told me this was the highest collar!”

    1. FeuerroteZora +3

      To be fair, if I had a penis-knob in the middle of my poof skirt, I’d be getting out the scissors too.

          1. Lalochezia +9

            People?! I ain’t people! I am…”a shimmering star in the cinema firma-ment”. It says so. Right there.

          3. Unreadaethel +7

            I’m secretly a Lina Lamont stan, and I can’t decide if I feel any shame about that or not.

    2. walrathem +30

      I can do a glorious Lina Lamont voice and I love it. Sadly there are so few situations that call for it.

      1. leslieellenjones +21

        Don’t be ridiculous–there are very few circumstances that wouldn’t be improved by a little Lamontery. Share the wealth! Make the world a better place!

    3. susanintoronto +3

      And she never could remember where the microphone was. Hidden somewhere in those phancy pholds.

  9. rosieps +19

    Number 8 is starring in the new made-for-tv-movie “Eyebrow Comedy: the Peter Gallagher Story.”

  11. j_bird +31

    I am really enjoying some of these fashions and wish they would come back in style for boys (and also me) to wear.

  12. typicallibrarian +28

    “oversized feather” could be a long-lost member of the Jersey Shore, and also his fingers are bananas. His hand looks like a daddy longlegs. Maybe that’s why he’s so sad. Spider hands.

    2. mydonkeyfeet +1

      I think the feather is mocking his pain of having his hand cut off and set on the table in front of him.

  13. OiSunshine +14

    Whatever the endevour, someone out there will have a higher collar than you, so to speak.

    Also, “Even wearing my favourite hat can’t cheer me up”.

  14. bighairnoheart +78

    Fancy Boy at the end looks like he’s about to start singing ‘Part of Your World’ at any moment.

    Look at this stuff
    Isn’t it neat?
    Wouldn’t you say my collection’s complete?
    Wouldn’t you think I’m the boy
    The boy who has everything?

    1. walrathem +21

      What in the everlasting hell is going on in that picture? My vague understanding of painting symbolism just wilts before it.

      1. Unreadaethel +7

        If Hannibal has taught me anything, it’s that snails symbolize cannibalism. Also weird sex stuff. I have no idea what that has to do with anything else that’s happening, like the helmet on the table, or the serpent about to strike in the background.

  15. bookdom +22

    Maybe Fancy Boy should stop standing in a junk heap and he’d feel fancier – even the snake is laughing at him.

    1. drashizu +6

      I do, but I’m terrible at discussing movies so I want someone else to start so I can comment “yes! yes!” to whatever they said.

      ~~Spoilers follow for anyone who doesn’t want them~~

      I loved all the references to people I knew of but didn’t know the name of, like the dancing lady with the fruit on her head, and the rodeo guy, and the tap dancing. I saw the movie with my mom and she kept whispering “You know that’s a [name of person I don’t recognize] reference, right?” excitedly and I kept having to say “I didn’t until now!”

      When Channing Tatum sat on a barstool and tapdanced in place, though, that was perfect.

      Also I have mixed feelings about the way they handled the communist kidnapping plotline, but I appreciated the total absurdity of a commie submarine appearing off the coast of Malibu into which Channing Tatum gloriously leaps before dropping a briefcase with $1M dollars in it directly into the ocean.

      1. bluewindgirl +7

        Carmen Miranda! Esther Williams! Communist Gene Kelly! Tilda Swinton as Hedda Hopper! And Deeanna having to adopt her own kid seemed like a rif on the Loretta Young scandal? I don’t usually bother with behind-the-scenes stuff, but I would absolutely watch a “making of” this film so I can hear who was combined and whose scandals were tweaked and edited to fit. I didn’t think it was a perfect movie, and could frankly have done without the narration, but playing “spot the reference” was quite fun.

        I liked all the little echoes between the movie world and the real world. Almost everything that showed up in a filmed sequence (a “mirthless chuckle,” squinting against the majesty of God, Channing Tatum’s balletic leap onto a ladder, the aerial shots of the “whale” in the water ballet and later the submarine) showed up in the “real world.”

        And I agree, I also have reservations about the overall message, which seemed to boil down to: “intellectual debates are the nature of the divine and the abuses of capitalism [I mean, come on, Capitol Pictures] are funny, but everyone should be soundly slapped and get back to making movies, because they have intrinsic value!” Definitely a love letter for studio execs 😉

    2. notebook-keeper +4

      ***spoilers***

      I liked it a lot but I wanted more Tilda Swinton & more ScarJo, less George Clooney. I loved all the references (I got a few of them!) and Channing Tatum tapdancing.

  17. winterbymorning +47

    I wouldn’t feel like a fancy boy either if there were a snake in a tree screaming at me and my dogs were doing nothing to help.

    1. evieskye +40

      Is the snake his ex-boyfriend? “Fancy boy! Stop ignoring my friend requests! I need closure, Fancy boy! And i want my Boyz II Men CDs back!”

      1. winterbymorning +22

        “Oh, you’re just going to pretend you don’t know me? Does what we had together mean nothing to you?”

        1. aurorabirdialis +17

          “DID YOU CHEAT ON ME WITH MITCHELL? YOU DID, DIDN’T YOU? HOW COULD YOU DO THAT WHEN YOU KNEW I LOVED YOU SO MUCH?”

    2. scrittipolenta +12

      It really seems like the portrait artist was trying to get across a “this is the spawn of the devil” vibe.

      1. owlbrick +15

        Between the snake pointed at his head and all the snails and conch shells and whatnot, I’m not sure if I should be afraid of him or afraid for him.

    1. perianwen +21

      Either that or else he’ll have a very Eeyore-like reaction by sighing and saying how he expected that to happen at any moment.

  20. walrathem +15

    I don’t think the scissor-wielder is looking so much “sad” as “yeah, you know you want it” at the painter/viewer. And is that a poufy-pants-and-codpiece combo he’s wearing?

    1. FeuerroteZora +2

      Looks like an abbreviated codpiece to me. Or a cod-knob. From when that particular fashion was petering out.

      (Sorry. Couldn’t resist.)

    2. MissBadcrumble +3

      Sad Etsy Boyfriend number five has VERY impressive armpit hair! Like two small fluffy animals.

  22. Dawn Loring +6

    The first one nearly made me wet my pants. Thanks for the “Singin in the Rain” joke! You made my whole damn day.

  24. OldMissMort +18

    Fancy Boy in the last image needs to crack on with some major housekeeping. Would it kill him to pick up after himself a little? That verdant nook is an absolute disgrace.

  25. VioletandIrises +5

    Tassel boy’s face seems really familiar to me and I can’t put my finger on who he reminds me of.

    The closest I’ve gotten is Emma Thompson, but I feel like I’ve seen a guy who looks like the painting.

    Help?

  26. fcjaugusta +9

    There are so many things going on in that last one. Camouflage dog, imminent snake, armor repair… It’s like a seek-n-find picture.

  28. Hoolia +11

    Hahaha; “You wouldn’t underSTAND” guy looks EXACTLY like one of my coworkers, and now I want to substitute that painting for his picture on the employee photo directory/everything else with his picture.

      1. hillary l. +1

        Yes!

        But seriously. At least three of these paintings could have been captioned “Dignity. Always, dignity.”

  35. Courtney +1

    Never mind the oversized feather! Somebody has removed his left hand and placed it upon the tabletop!

  37. Wiz Allred +1

    Methinks in the last piece, the brindle whippet hath managed to “camo” his way outta that madness. His demeanor is saying, “Oh Sweet Jesus, please do not let the Mastiffs come upon this unsightly mangle of emotions and objets, for I shall never live this down”…