High-Water Marks For Heterosexuality

by Mallory Ortberg · March 8, 2016

In no particular order, and don’t get cocky. I’m just giving credit where credit is due.

  • The work of Nora Ephron, specifically the fact that she made Billy Crystal a plausibly fuckable male lead in When Harry Met Sally (it’s the scene where he says “I would not be good for anyone right now” in that faux-French/Eastern European voice, is where it starts)
  • Gomez and Morticia from The Addams Family, specifically as portrayed by Raúl Juliá and Anjelica Huston, more-specifically when she starts speaking French and he says, “Oh, Tish, that’s French“
  • The scene in Magic Mike XXL where Channing Tatum sacrifices his entire physical body to make a woman laugh, then gently releases her back to her girlfriends without kissing her
  • After Jack reads Liz his sexual thank-you note from Avery and Liz exclaims, “Oh, no; she likes that?” and Jack says, “No, but she respects it when it’s done correctly”
  • Love & Basketball; more specifically all of it, most specifically, “I’ll play you for your heart“
  • Fran Drescher; specifically Fran Drescher as The Nanny. Most women I can imagine being improved by at least a slight increase in queerness; The Nanny should stay exactly as heterosexual as she is for all time.
  • Fry and the Top Bureaucrat from “How Hermes Requisitioned His Groove Back” (it should go without saying this does not include Fry and Leela)

fry

  • Zapp Brannigan and Leela, specifically from “Love’s Labours Lost in Space” (ONCE AGAIN THIS DOES NOT INCLUDE FRY AND LEELA)
  • Jessica Lovejoy
  • The redheaded girl from Archie Comics who was always busting in on Archie-Betty-Veronica and instituting sexual anarchy
  • Charles Durning’s love for Tootsie in Tootsie
  • Every scene where Maureen O’Hara mutters something disdainfully at a man, any movie
  • Rogelio and Xiomara but only when they’re performing on a cruise ship together, Jane the Virgin
  • The Mayor and that busty lady on The Powerpuff Girls; this is exactly the size straight men should be in comparison to straight women, some please resize humanity

hetero

  • Lana Del Ray mostly for confirming the existence of the heterosexual death drive??
  • Johnny Bravo but only when he’s being sexually rejected, end of list

Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.

269 Comments

    2. shefightslikeagirl +21

      Yep, I was about to say the same thing. Although I confess to being disappointed that they (ironically?) never EVER showed her head.

  2. grumblyqueer +237

    The entirety of Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries (except Mac, whom I also <3). It’s my “heterosexuality is acceptable and sometimes even fun” detox show when I get too deep in queer theory or start worrying about being pan.

    1. Lizzie_Sidds +175

      Jack smiling wistfully at whatever insanity Phryne is getting into; the fashion episode in season 2 when she goes up the stairs and invites him up and he says “Maybe at a less dangerous hour, and a less lethal dress”

      1. typewriterandgramophone +124

        The bit with the cars where he says, “All I could hear was ‘Miss Fisher’ and ‘accident’.”

        1. AOpp +31

          Omg, yes! That bit broke my heart, but also had me shouting at them to make out already.

        1. Hoolia +59

          And when he starts actually requesting her involvement! Because he values her skills! *swoon*

    2. raqueue +127

      The number of times Jack rushes to Phryne’s rescue, only to be completely unnecessary.

      1. grumblyqueer +129

        AND THE WAY SHE LOOKS AT HIM AND SAYS “JACK” SO CRISPLY AND INSOUCIANTLY WHEN HE BUSTS IN

      2. Unreadaethel +98

        And the way he acknowledges that his rescue will almost certainly be unnecessary, but will willingly be superfluous 90% of the time, because there’s that 1% where there are more plug-uglies than Phryne thinks.

    3. deleted1892326 +150

      Jack leaning. May that man never be without a doorway to lean in.

      Also the episode where Phryne guests in a burlesque show and Hugh is. v. scandalized but Jack is just silently appreciative.

      2. mkpatter +31

        This whole thread is the love and joy of my life.

        Mmm, to be a door just to have Jack Robinson lean on me. Or maybe a banister.

    4. JGlows +39

      Could have done without his attempts to slut shame her in the first two episodes of season 3 tho. Thankfully he wasn’t good at it (men who wear…CRAVATS!!!). (hoping it doesn’t continue after that, I have only gotten that far on Netflix!)

      Still, I do in fact adore him and Phryne and Mac and thought it was AMAZING when Mac was like, welp, were I straight and interested in having a baby, you’d be it brah, but I never will be mwahahahaha more booze and men’s clothes and wingtip shoes plz.

      1. grumblyqueer +59

        I always thought that was about a hardcore long-term monogamous dude trying and failing to wrap his head around the short-term-fling needs of his crush. Because lbr, I love me some Phryne/Jack, but there is NO WAY she’s gonna be satisfied with one guy for the rest of her life.

        1. Lizzie_Sidds +50

          That’s how I took that too, considering his comments I THINK at the end of season three about not being able to be as modern as her and clearly seeing it as a stumbling block in his own nature rather than something SHE needed to work on?

          1. Hoolia +22

            I took it the same way, as an acknowledgment of their different natures and incompatibility, not that he thought she needed to change (however much on some level I think he wished she would, because he just wanted to be with her, he didn’t expect that of her).

          2. aeryn_sun +21

            I didn’t think he saw it as something he needed to work on, but just, yes, a stumbling block, and a fact about how the two of them are different. But definitely not as something she needed to change about herself.

        2. raqueue +26

          Yeah, I definitely interpreted it as a monogamy vs. non-monogamy kind of thing, done in a super tactless way, as he tries to wrap his head around being one of her many lovers. Definitely working through some jealousy issues, which seem to dissipate as Season 3 goes on?

          I kinda don’t want there to be a Season 4, because I don’t think there’s any way the writers can have Phryne and Jack actually get together, with him still working with his Victorian codes of honour and morality, and Phryne still being Phryne. But it’s also beyond the point of implausibility that they’re not hooking up right now.

      2. Corinne +2

        I think a lot of it was also that she had invited him over for dinner and then cancelled once and showed up suuuuuper late the second time, and he has some self respect (except he knows that his self respect is a bit squishy when it comes to Phryne) and he would like her to at least focus on him if they’re going to be a thing!

    6. Deoridhe +28

      I love them (the chemistry… rrrrriow!) but I have to admit being sad to not see the Canon Book polyamorous relationship between Phryne and Lin Chung, and the warm friendship between Phryne and his wife, who is aware of everything up front and approves. Jack just doesn’t seem like he can repeat this pattern at all, so I’m dreadfully worried they’ll end up changing Phryne.

  3. Pygmalion24 +189

    “Most women I can imagine being improved by at least a slight increase in queerness.”

    seconded.

  4. logicbutton +109

    Roslin and Adama.

    Clara Clayton and Doc Brown, specifically the part where he tells her he’s from the future and she thinks he’s fucking with her.

      1. radiantsqui3d +20

        OMG YES ROSLIN AND ADAMA.
        (I was going to comment this, too. now I need to think of more heterosexuals-of-my-heart. This is hard.)

        1. anybodies +17

          Yes Roslin and Adama!
          NEVER Starbuck and Lee or Starbuck and Anders
          In the highly unlikely event that Starbuck is a heterosexual, neither of them are worthy of her

          1. logicbutton +13

            Why do people keep giving Katee Sackhoff male love interests in things? It’s like they don’t understand her fans at all.

    3. lauragraceroberts +7

      Clara Clayton is the best name and Doc/Clara are beautiful.

      And Roslin/Adama forever. You cannot tell me not to ship it from S1E1.

    4. Cyanolyca +4

      But Roslin and Starbuck though…

      I guess there’s a reason polyamory is a thing.

    2. GinnyQ9 +31

      Rogelio is consistently the character that makes me laugh in one breath and cry in the next. I find him fascinating because I think any other show would make him gay (he’s all about lavender and fashion and his looks and make-up), but JTV is all like, we don’t care about stereotypes, men are whoever they want to be and not only is he outwardly a narcissist because inwardly he is the most insecure person imaginable, he’s also the type of person that Xiomara, the serial monogamist, would not just have a child with but also fall in love with.

      I am all about #TeamMichael and have been forever, but it’s only in the most recent episodes that the pairing I care about more than anything is #Xo&Ro.

      Basically, I love this show, and Rogelio is brilliant 🙂

    1. grumblyqueer +80

      He’s beautifully ridiculous and encapsulates all the best traits of straight guys to the point of comical exaggeration, but is genuinely nice beneath them.

  7. tabbylavalamp +77

    Lola in Run Lola Run because of course she would run so fast she’d travel through time to save her screw-up boy friend. But not Manny, because come on. Pull yourself together, Manny, and stop screwing up.

      1. tabbylavalamp +22

        But then you’d find yourself back at the beginning needing to find a new way to defend that love…

  8. angrypedestrian +98

    I’m just going to casually throw out there that I am running an imaginary (BUT ALSO VERY REAL IN MY HEART AND MIND) presidential campaign for Fran Drescher, and I’m going to add “high watermark for heterosexuality” to her list of accomplishments. http://drescherjepsen2016.tumblr.com

    ETA: I also paid money to make campaign stickers. Because I might have a problem.

      1. angrypedestrian +14

        Message the Drescher/Jepsen tumblr account (or e-mail me at diablotien at gmail.com) if you are comfortable giving me an address to ship one to and the magic and power of Fran Drescher/Carly Rae Jepsen will make it happen!

        1. Implications +5

          Oh my god. I just mentioned this to my (English) husband because it is amazing, and he asked WHO FRAN DRESCHER IS. So I told him she is the Nanny, and he asked, “…whose nanny?”

          I did not know this about him before we got married.

  9. Social +130

    Elizabeth Swann from PoTC and her whole situation with Will and/or Jack depending on the movie certainly made heterosexuality look fun. Or maybe it was just the piracy.

    1. Hoolia +83

      The part where she kisses Jack to distract him while handcuffing him to the ship so he can’t follow them is my favorite.

    2. builtahouse +61

      agreed and also my vote would be for: “sadder, but wiser Norrington helping her get away.”

      but it’s Jack Davenport, in a British Navy uniform, what do you want from me world.

      1. roguepreservationist +18

        I have an actual irrational loathing for Elizabeth Swann based almost entirely on how she treats Jack Davenport in a British Navy uniform.

    6. Lilylees +9

      Elizabeth Swan and her sex men were an important formative influence on my budding sexuality in the mid 2000s.

  10. threatqualitypress +86

    hahahah Rogelio is my favorite part of that show. It’s gross when a person is a completely self-involved narcissist, but somehow if a guy is so completely and unapologetically a self-involved narcissist it comes all the way back around and now I want to be bros 4 lyfe

    1. Hoolia +50

      He’s such a benevolent narcissist, though! Unfortunately, none of the narcissists I’ve known in real life have been benevolent at all. Rogelio knows that he’s so awesome, he doesn’t need to trash others to lift himself up. Other than Esteban, of course.

    2. daisicles +31

      I have to give him credit for being a completely self-involved narcissist who does try to help. Even though his helping is generally just an extension of his self-involvement, it’s nice that he tries. A benevolent self-involved narcissist?

      (I *adore* Rogelio. So much. Or at least first season Rogelio because I just plowed my way through the first season on Netflix a few weeks ago and have fallen into the legally available gap. Damn you and your expiring episodes, Hulu!)

      1. threatqualitypress +21

        yeah, I think it helps that he’s nice, that takes a lot of the edge off of it

    3. anthemyst +100

      Rogelio’s self-love is always positive, he never has to put anybody else down to raise himself up, it’s beautiful

      1. jwhittz +19

        THANK YOU for putting into words what I find so utterly charming and delightful about this character.

  11. green +30

    I wish I was free of all pretence to maintaining user anonymity so that I could post a photo of my joy-brimming face here.

  12. falcofield +28

    1. Harry Burns is annoyingly fuckable, totally. Until he starts getting using his body for things like kissing (awful) or running (ugly).

    2. Nora also made a strong case for Jess and Marie. So much so that I eventually married a Jess. Occasionally smug, sports-obsessed, and terrible at trivia. BUT we lay in bed together and gossip about our other couple friends and it’s all I wanted!

    1. JGlows +15

      And Marie will never want that coffee table.

      I had a hard time believing Helen ever would have married Harry in the first place, but that’s me. He’s too menschy for her.

      1. Theo_Winterwood +31

        My dude has this truly bizarre purple velvet table with vaguely deformed yellow satin creatures puffily quilted into the sides that he got when he was much younger at a flea market or something. It is a truly bizarre piece of furniture. Words cannot describe.

        And when we moved into our apartment, my best friend looked at it and said, “So you let him keep his wagon wheel coffee table.”

        (Full confession: It’s probably pretty ugly by pretty much anyone’s standards. I kind of love it anyway, because Weird and Ugly is sort of my jam, I guess. Nobody believes me when I say I’m fine with it. They all give me credit for way more good taste than I actually have.)

    2. vesperer +6

      I realized I had entered a new stage of life when I walked by a tv monitor, thought “Oh, that guy’s kinda cute,” and then slowly realized that it was Harry. Young Harry with the hat on, but still. The former me had not conceived of a world in which I would think Billy Crystal attractive at all.

    3. Jess +3

      That is so sweet that it made my heart hurt a little. Congrats on your Jess, Marie.

    1. Unreadaethel +77

      They’re such a wonderfully functional family, while still being a hilarious sitcom family! That’s so distressingly rare.

    2. dorianneemmerton +59

      and they are also kinky! positive, functional depictions of kink relationships are rare and beautiful treasures.

      1. popelizbet +47

        Exactly! Egalitarian functional kinksters. Imagine anyone trying to tell Wednesday she can’t do what she wants because she’s a girl. Not going to fly.

    3. ScarlettHairdye +89

      Partner and I dressed as Morticia and Gomez last year for Halloween.

      To clarify, he dressed as Morticia and I dressed as Gomez.

      It was great. Their relationship is my life goal.

  15. relaineatwell +140

    personally i think the only thing that can save heterosexuality is if we parent trap ryan gosling and rachel mcadams.

    1. alliana07 +88

      REMEMBER THE RUNNING-ACROSS-THE-STAGE-KISS AT THE MTV AWARDS?

      Yes. High marks for heterosexuality.

    2. Alli525 +7

      I have always thought and will always continue to think The Notebook is kind of a silly movie, like all Nicholas Sparks movie, but the ending makes me SOB and RG+RMcA are my celebrity OTP. Of course I was sad and surprised when he and Eva Mendes announced they were having a baby, but I wasn’t sad for ME, I was sad for Rachel. I just want to trap them in a cozy mountain cabin during a blizzard until she is overwhelmed by the sight of him chopping wood for their fire and just jumps on him and all will be well.

  17. zachariahary +257

    Uh this is… not really related, but I was blanking on other things Angelica Huston has been in aside from the Royal Tenenbaums, and then I started googling her, and then I found this photo, and um. I guess it just felt like I should share:

    5. Either_Ada +249

      That’s a high-water mark of some kind, but it’s certainly not one for my heterosexuality.

      2. sneepsnake +42

        Yeah, I thought I was as straight as straight could be. Then I looked at that photo and had second thoughts.

    6. coloredlights +40

      I need Anjelica Huston and Paget Brewster (from Criminal Minds, Community, other stuff) to play, like, high-powered sisters, or sisters who are a high-powered professional and a punk-rock weirdo respectively, or something.

      (Actually now I’ve looked them up and there’s an 18-year age difference, so maybe like mom and daughter in a grown-up Gilmore Girls type situation? But anyway this picture just highlighted their resemblance for me.)

        1. ParadoxBox +23

          Oh my god, can we PLEASE do this episode? Just Frank and Sadie being super into each other as usual and Gomez and Morticia also being super into each other and then they just drink and have a blast? So many *clinks*

    9. dorianneemmerton +14

      I see only a back X here, but Nicole tweeted it and I can see it there THANK YOU NICOLE.

    11. SingArielSing +21

      This image is literally giving me heart palpitations

      I want to show it to everyone in my life, whisper-screaming, “did you KNOW?!”

      I need to go outside

      aaahhhhh

      1. zachariahary +64

        Tell them about this version too, hm?

        Also just realized I spelled her name wrong the first time round. Whoops!

    14. geekcrackteam +20

      I think I have spent my entire life wanting to be Angelica Huston.

      I was in a movie with her once. #touchmeyouheathens

    15. sandyliz +12

      This photo is definitely increasing my queerness. And desire to wear only white tank tops.

    16. Sophia McDougall +9

      Okay, I don’t know what it says about me that I briefly though her right wrist was handcuffed to something behind her and she was all suggestively blase about it.

  18. EnchiladaTaco +112

    Gomez and Morticia are #baegoals, as the children say . Also, my God, Anjelica’s whole *situation* in that movie is to die for. I despair that while I have the requisite bone white skin, I am way too blonde and wholesome to pull off that aesthetic.

  19. angelartoscano +313

    That scene from “10 Things I Hate About You” where Julia Stiles backs her car into Andrew Keegan’s and Heath Ledger’s character just stands on the sidewalk and laughs, totally into her having just done that but not offering any other commentary other than laughter.

    2. Theo_Winterwood +163

      not offering any other commentary other than laughter

      Now that is the behavior all men should aspire to.

    3. evah42 +89

      That movie was literally the first movie that made me think heterosexuality might be fun. And I was in high school, and attracted to boys theoretically, but pretty much none of the boys in my town.
      I mean, they went paintballing! She was rude! I filed it away as “it might be nice to have a boyfriend one day, if indeed it can be fun like that”.
      And now that it’s mentioned, Gomez and Morticia’s relationship always intrigued me as a child. Like, parents who have the serious hots for each other? Mind blown.

      1. fcjaugusta +30

        Similarly, Hal and Lois in Malcolm in the Middle. Like, everything is constantly falling to pieces around them, but they still can’t keep their hands off of each other.

        1. bookwormV +11

          That was exactly who I thought of when I read “parents who have the serious hots for each other”. I love Hal and Lois and their relationship.

  20. readerbeth +96

    Interestingly, as a self-identifying cis mostly-straight girl, Angelica Huston as Morticia Addams remains a high-water mark for me in bisexual self-awareness. And her relationship with Gomez remains perfection personified to me.

  21. JoelleVanDyne +27

    “The redheaded girl from Archie Comics who was always busting in on Archie-Betty-Veronica and instituting sexual anarchy”

    OMG you just drew up some long buried memories of reading and rereading Archie comics

    2. aeryn_sun +28

      My favorite thing from this movie is how seriously it takes Monica’s work, i.e. basketball, and that it makes clear that, while Q is more naturally talented, Monica loves it more and works that much harder.

    3. lamismamuchachasalvaje +12

      Love and Basketball, truly the highest water-mark for heterosexuality I’ve ever seen.

  24. crawlkill +93

    I’m not sure if this fits the mood but Lyra and Will of His Dark Materials, possibly the only time I’ve felt anything for any heterosexual couple, fictional or otherwise

    1. NopetopusUnited +26

      STABBING FEELINGS IN MY HEART.
      Pullman broke me; I still live in hope that he will release a short story in which they reunite, but alas, I think it is never to be.

      1. bookwormV +4

        I have been waiting for The Book of Dust for about ten years. I suspect it will never come to be.

      2. occhiolic +2

        i’m still processing that book. constant rereads probably aren’t helping, though…

    2. permanentteal +38

      I read this when I was much too young, so I thought Pullman had “ruined” the book with kissing. Upon rereading I understand they are perfection.
      Also I understood the God parts for the first time, and that those angels were gay.

    3. DishKit +4

      Oh man I reread these books this summer while I was working at a summer camp I hated and occasionally interacting with children of this age…it was an emotional summer.

    4. Samdodgeman +14

      “One last kiss, rushed and clumsy so that they banged cheekbones, and a tear from her eye was transferred to his face; their two daemons kissed fair well, and Pantalaimon flowed over the threshold and up into Lyra’s arms; and then Will began to close the window, and then it was done, the way was closed, Lyra was gone.”

  25. bighairnoheart +47

    As someone who named her black cat Gomez, I approve highly of the image at the top of this post. The Addams Family is the apex of everything good in this life. (And afterlife.)

  26. caatness +46

    The Addams Family is the terrible, wonderful, and only reason I gave Mr. Catherine a testdrive.

    Morticia is my guide in all things.

    1. ToastiewithCheese +19

      Fargo (movie but especially show): also very good at providing models for non-toxic masculinity (contrasted for effect with the toxickest masculinity).

    2. pigeonsquid +11

      Margie Gunderson is EVERYTHING to me. Also is it weird that I kind of want her to be my mother?

  29. ScarlettHairdye +46

    Frank and Sadie Doyle from The Thrilling Adventure Hour deserve to be on this list.

    *clink!*

    1. ParadoxBox +16

      Someday, someday I will find love as deep as Frank and Sadie’s. Or at least as deep as their love for alcohol. *clink!*

      1. GinnyQ9 +10

        My husband and I freaking love Frank and Sadie Doyle and aspire to be like them in every way. Though my husband is not a drinker, so #fail on his part, but in most ways. Well, we’re also not mediums, so #fail in that way, too. But we love each other and are hilarious, so I think that counts like 95% of the way.

    4. Marrella_ +5

      My impulsive international trip to LA in December 2014 in order to see The Thrilling Adventure Hour live remains my best impulsive four figure $ decision ever. Frank and Sadie are my favourite.

    5. happysadcat +4

      Now I wish I had multiple electronic personas so I could like this eleventy bajillion times. Also, I found a *clink* emoji on my phone and will be insufferable going forward.

  30. contemporarycontempt +13

    “Charles Durning’s love for Tootsie”
    Ah, yes. Enduring to the last.

  31. anonymous +37

    JAMES TIPTREE ALREADY CONFIRMED THE EXISTENCE OF THE HETEROSEXUAL DEATH DRIVE THAT WAS LIKE HER WHOLE THING sorry I’m not angry this is a great article I just get really pumped up and excited about James Tiptree

    1. Goomaly +7

      Same, I will drop Tiptree into any conversation, but I didn’t see this opportunity, thanks!

  32. anthemyst +64

    Motion to include James Marsden’s performance as Prince Edward in Enchanted on this list.

  36. builtahouse +30

    Bollywood additions:

    Shahrukh’s eyes in the gazebo scene in Kuch Kuch Hota Hai.

    Kajol always, in everything.

    The love song/scene in the AWESOMELY DECORATED BEDROOM in Jodhaa Akbar.

  37. Mikey +14

    i am so glad Cheryl Blossom was mentioned (the red headed sex-pot of Archive comics)

    1. lauren +15

      THIS – I never believed in heterosexuality IRL until the Obamas, all the other straight relationships I like are entirely fictional

  39. Ferocity +56

    I’m really surprised no one has mentioned Jamie and Claire from Outlander yet. I mean…

  40. AKA +36

    Without deliberately intending to do so, I married a woman who is as close to Franny the Nanny as we non-fiction dwellers get. It will forever be my greatest accomplishment.

    Also nominated: Brock Sampson and Molotov Cocktease.

      1. alala26 +2

        This whole Brock and Warriana plot is the icing on what is so far a perfect season, in my humble opinion.

  41. Fleurdamour +21

    The scene in the middle of the dance in A Royal Affair where Mads Mikkelsen and Alicia Vikander fall in love with each other.

    1. builtahouse +10

      welp guess who just googled THAT because I have a fierce need to ingest that through my eyeballs now. helLP, that CAST.

  42. Pola_Negroni +251

    Several years ago Señor Negroni was kissing up my arm. I thought he was doing it as an Addams Family homage, so I gasped “Oh Gomez!”

    He stops kissing me and you can practically hear the record scratching to a halt. He looks up and asks “Who the hell is Gomez???”

    And that, boys and girls, is how I learned that in the Spanish dubbed version of The Addams Family, Gomez is “Homero.”

  43. AOpp +101

    Anastasia and Dimitri (more specifically, that moment when she’s in the navy blue dress and he bows to her, but also just the two of them all over)

    That moment in “Helpless” where Hamilton sings “As long as I’m alive, Eliza, swear to God you’ll never feel so…” and LMM’s voice does that growly thing.

    2. pseudovex +17

      So, I recently began working my way through Dorothy L. Sayers and so it comes to pass that I read the first Wimsey/Harriet book JUST LAST NIGHT.

      (I actually thought of the Toasties during some of their conversation scenes, in a ‘HA! Oh yes, I can see why the Toast likes these two’ sort of way.)

      All of which is to say – yes, yes, i’m on board here. I’m on Team Dry, Amused Harriet now. (Please tell me she/they stay this great?)

      1. bookwormV +10

        She and they do! (As long as you don’t read the Jill Paton Walsh continuations.)

  45. AKA +54

    The banner ad for this post, just now?
    Straight Talk wireless.

    Never change, Internet…

    2. pseudovex +10

      Yes! They were my very first thought. I remember thinking, as a young child, that marriage and kids actually looked like it might be a hell of a lot of fun the way they did it.

      Which stood as a stark contrast to…basically every other depiction I was exposed to.

        1. eegghh +11

          Nick Charles: Have you made any New Year’s resolutions?
          Nora Charles: Not yet. Any complaints or suggestions?
          Nick Charles: A few.
          Nora Charles: Which?
          Nick Charles: Complaints.
          Nora Charles: All right shoot.
          Nick Charles: Well, you don’t scold, you don’t nag, and you look far too pretty in the mornings.
          Nora Charles: All right, I’ll remember: must scold, must nag, musn’t be too pretty in the mornings.

    3. happysadcat +2

      ERMAHGERD, you just now made me realize that Frank and Sadie are the 21st Century Nick and Nora!

      1. eegghh +4

        It’s true. Frank and Sadie are in fact, comedy homages to Nick and Nora. Also when I listen to beyond belief I always imagined it set in a nebulous 1930s-1960s era. In my head it’s all playing out in sepia.

  49. mrtafadhali +21

    Just the mention of Archie Comics made me feel I have to note high marks in ASEXUALITY, which is that Jughead is #confirmed and I bought four issues of the new run this week (and got slightly side-eyed by my lovely* comic shop clerk, but nothing Archie has done since I was a kid has made me regret my childhood attachment to them, so her side-eying will not deter me)

    * I’ve been shopping there for 15 years, and she actually is really lovely, Jughead-skeptical opinions aside; right after this we had like a 20 minute chat about Faith and how exciting it was to have fat positive superhero comic

    1. Theo_Winterwood +2

      I went out to buy Jughead for specifically this very reason, but alas could only find issue #4, which . . . makes not a ton of sense without issues #1-3, but I can tell that I love it anyway.

  51. Fleurdamour +19

    Julian Sands in a tree yelling “Beauty! Love!” about Helena Bonham-Carter in A Room With a View.

    1. rolotomassi5 +5

      Panel one: “Is Alana…praying?”
      Next panel: “No. No, she most certainly is not.”

      God they’re so damn sexy together.

  53. aintnothingtoit +33

    Anne Shirley and Gilbert Blythe! Although, while I’ve always rooted for them, it’s such a sweet/innocent love story that it kinda weirds me out to think of the two of them doing anything sexual. IDK, JUST BE BEAUTIFUL LIFE PARTNERS WHO KISS AND HOLD HANDS AND THAT’S ALL.

    1. smiavs +9

      Well, I suppose they got all those kids from somewhere, though. Maybe they rescue abandoned fairy children?

      1. aintnothingtoit +5

        I pretend all the children don’t exist, haha. Though rescuing abandoned fairy children sounds like Anne’s dreams come true!

    2. Jess +5

      I hear you. I felt vaguely uncomfortable in… is it Wendy Poplars?… when Anne mentions in a letter that Gilbert kisses her neck.

  54. Fleurdamour +12

    Also:

    Shiva and Shakti, the divine masculine and feminine principle in Tantra

    Somewhere in Time

    C.S. Lewis and Joy Davidman. I mean, just look at them: http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-8X20bG8zoRk/UG0PET31lpI…

    The scene near the end of Perelandra where the King and Queen are united.

    The scene at the end of That Hideous Strength when the Oyarsa of Venus hangs around Earth for a while and everyone starts feeling groovy.

    1. aiquale +6

      “Do you know how to whistle, Steve? You just pucker your lips together. . . and blow.”

  57. saffiedarling +28

    Parker and Hardison* in Leverage, specifically when Hardison says ‘we got you mama’ in The Inside Job and when Hardison says ‘I like the way you turned out’ in The Stork Job and basically whenever he is gentle and respectful of her boundaries and also when they reference presents he has bought her (a special elevator climbing rig, an Ecosse motorcycle, flashy kicks that “make you shiny and fast”, a safe-cracking robot) or Parker drops Hardison off a building.

    *Parker and Hardison only. NEVER Parker and Eliot, except in the context of Eliot/Parker/Hardison which is a whole different ‘High-Water Marks for OT3s’ post, which would mainly consist of DAT FINALE, a lot of fanfiction and also that super-hot moment in Rundown Job where they essentially turn Eliot and Hardison into a two person climbing gym so Parker can hang off them to defuse a bomb.

    1. Anna B +4

      I like it in The Queen’s Gambit Job where Parker’s wearing the weighted boots and can’t move well, so he hums to her over the comms. Hardison is the best.

  60. PettyVengeanceFetish +21

    Moritcia and Gomez are everything I want in a relationship. The mutual communication, the mutual adoration and love and the respect, my god the mutual respect.

    Also Mako Mori and Raleigh Beckett from Pacific Rim. If there was any way I’d want another person to be attracted to me it’s that way.

  61. dameacademyalumna +10

    Fran from The Nanny and Gomez and Morticia should be considered universal role models.

    The older I get, the more I notice just how damn weird the cartoons I watched as a kid really were.

      1. Jess +5

        I love that movie. Eve and Marlowe making fun of Adam and comparing him to Hamlet is one of my favorite bits.

  63. goshman42 +6

    This is brilliant but I have to object to Rogelio as a high-water mark for heterosexuality.

    #TeamMichgelio

    1. sandyliz +4

      Its the only thing Micheal is good for IMHO. Also, Micheal wouldn’t get a manicure with Jane, which is clearly a signal that he’s in love with Rogelio.

  64. xTinsel +19

    Would like to nominate Belle and the Beast. idc about the creepy stockholm syndrome overtones, there is no-one I wouldn’t sleep with in exchange for my own personal library.

  66. Emma +15

    Lizzie and Darcy… I am so so gay, but that hand kiss in the misty moors awakens my nethers.

  68. annaisabe +14

    I vote for Mr. Thornton and Margaret Hale in North and South! It was the happiest I’ve been reading about a heterosexual couple since Pride and Prejudice!

    And whatever kind of person Clark Gable was (ugh), I’m obsessed with It Happened One Night! The Walls of Jericho! The impromptu roleplaying! The time Peter carries Ellie across the river, and he smacks her butt a bit! It’s basically one long montage of foreplay!

  70. pigeonsquid +16

    April and Andy, all the time forever but especially as Janet Snakehole and Burt Macklin. They’re one of my Acceptable Straight Ships.

  71. Nausikaa +6

    I can’t believe I forgot this, and now I’m too late and no one will ever see this post, but Davenport and Furillo on Hill Street Blues.

  75. Trixr

    OMG, YES. It's the first time I thought of het couple as being actually attractive, seeing Frank through Davenport's eyes.

    Alas, I saw Veronica Hamel in a TV movie some years after that, and it unfortunately broke the spell.

  76. pigeonsquid +3

    Also for some reason I love Spike and Drusilla? I guess they also hit that sweet spot of unhinged weirdos who are deeply in love…