How To Respond When You Suspect Someone Is Flirting With You -The Toast

How To Respond When You Suspect Someone Is Flirting With You

ByDaniel Mallory Ortberg

on April 26, 2016 in Advice

“Thank you for your time and for your goodwill.”

“I am happy to either confirm or deny your question.”

“Sincerely, [your full name here].”

“I look forward to remembering this conversation later.”

“I have, as do you, eyes.”

“You seem to like the other people here, and I can’t distinguish your enthusiasm for them from your enthusiasm for this conversation. That’s not a criticism.”

“Are you cheerfully enduring this interaction, or a willing participant? I can’t distinguish good humor from genuine interest. Give me a sign.”

“I have a related anecdote, which I will now relate, unless you wish otherwise.”

“I AM LISTENING TO YOU VERY MUCH BUT I’M ALSO TERRIFIED THAT YOU’LL WANT ME TO START TALKING”

“I hope you will consider me as a future conversational hub later in the evening, after you have exhausted your other opportunities.”

“Your hair looks so good that I want to change my entire life. Please don’t feel emotionally responsible for my well-being after hearing that.”

“Have you noticed how much I am nodding? Can I stop now?”

“I want desperately to establish common personal ground between the two of us.”

“Please make it clearer which reaction you want me to have before I make a mistake.”

Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.

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+311 Vote up Vote down

ppyajunebug 137p · 465 weeks ago

“Please make it clearer which reaction you want me to have before I make a mistake.”

IT ME 24/7

(This is assuming I can ever figure out if someone is flirting with me, which is basically never)

18 replies · active 463 weeks ago

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lauragraceroberts 121p · 465 weeks ago

GPOY.

*pulls blankets over head, never emerges*

+169 Vote up Vote down

sabinabemani 115p · 465 weeks ago

I can't tell if "Thank you for your time and for your goodwill" is a polite rejection or an invitation to further flirtation. That's not a criticism.

+197 Vote up Vote down

dreadfulwind 156p · 465 weeks ago

These would probably all work better than my go-to, "let me tell you a wholly irrelevant story about my cat until you walk away."

7 replies · active 465 weeks ago

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OoTheHumanities 121p · 465 weeks ago

“I have, as do you, eyes.”

Eep. [My work crush you guys, so out of hand. Relevant.]

2 replies · active 465 weeks ago

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theburnersmydestination 142p · 465 weeks ago

*me thinking* "Oh my god there must be something wrong with this person. They look normal, but that can't be right. Maybe they are a serial killer. Or they live in their mother's basement. Or their mother lives in their basement. Maybe their mother is a serial killer who lives in MY basement."
or, conversely,
"Wait, that guy was flirting with me?"

3 replies · active 465 weeks ago

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littlehuntingcreek 135p · 465 weeks ago

Men like to tell me about their cooking triumphs; is that flirting? I can never tell

1 reply · active 465 weeks ago

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owlbrick 114p · 465 weeks ago

"We two are both almost completely covered with skin, over most of the surface of our bodies."

12 replies · active 465 weeks ago

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twenty4as 104p · 465 weeks ago

*prints this out*
*puts it in wallet*
*someone cute approaches me and omg what if they are flirting and i have to figure out if they are and how to respond?*
*takes this out of my wallet*
*throws it towards them as I run away*

+136 Vote up Vote down

urspostrophe 122p · 465 weeks ago

“I AM LISTENING TO YOU VERY MUCH BUT I’M ALSO TERRIFIED THAT YOU’LL WANT ME TO START TALKING”

Me. Honestly, I'd be fine at social events if there were a guarantee that anyone talking to me would never shut up and I could just nod and smile and laugh. But there always comes that point where you're supposed to reciprocate and I just aerowm,xiuewhrkooisutersalkalihotgago

7 replies · active 465 weeks ago

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viviennestreet 106p · 465 weeks ago

I read these in Raymond Holt's voice.

Next readthough I'll try to up my game and alternate lines between Andre Braugher and Marc Evan Jackson.

6 replies · active 465 weeks ago

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Bec · 465 weeks ago

"One time I was playing with a stapler and stapled my own finger. I could see the end of staple underneath my fingernail! It didn't hurt that much, though." - me, twenty years after said event, panicking as I noticed I was being flirted with.

3 replies · active 465 weeks ago

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houblonchouffe 123p · 465 weeks ago

“Thank you for your time and for your goodwill.”

LITERALLY TRUE THOUGH

2 replies · active 465 weeks ago

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sprinkles6 98p · 465 weeks ago

“Are you cheerfully enduring this interaction, or a willing participant? I can’t distinguish good humor from genuine interest. Give me a sign.”

Yes, please. There needs to be some sort of hand signal.

+56 Vote up Vote down

Scared_Vagina 117p · 465 weeks ago

This is helpful since last week a man approached me on the street and asked me out for the first time in my life and I stammered and ran away.

(I came back to edit this to say this is not the first time a man has asked me out but rather the first time it's happened with a stranger on the street, but actually I think in terms of literally initiating a conversation in order to ask for a date, I will let my original statement stand)

12 replies · active 465 weeks ago

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becbart 106p · 465 weeks ago

"One time I was playing with a stapler and stapled my own finger. I could see the end of the staple underneath my fingernail! It didn't hurt that much, though." - me, twenty years after said event, panicking as I noticed I was being flirted with.

2 replies · active 465 weeks ago

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rolotomassi5 103p · 465 weeks ago

1 reply · active 465 weeks ago

+91 Vote up Vote down

cait0716 125p · 465 weeks ago

Do you like....bread? I've got a french loaf.

4 replies · active 465 weeks ago

+210 Vote up Vote down

MatildaMagus · 465 weeks ago

1 reply · active 465 weeks ago

+169 Vote up Vote down

lmrrrr 153p · 465 weeks ago

"Excuse me, I must go upstairs and tend to the chickens in the spare bedroom" —an actual thing that I have said and then followed through on in order to escape the attentions of a flirt

6 replies · active 465 weeks ago

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Xolandra 116p · 465 weeks ago

“I look forward to remembering this conversation later.”

And later, and later and later and later and later and...

+80 Vote up Vote down

raveledandreknit 121p · 465 weeks ago

"I like historic cemeteries." Boom, done. Who'd have time for someone less than intrepid about historic cemeteries.

5 replies · active 465 weeks ago

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paintingthegreyarea 117p · 465 weeks ago

1 reply · active 465 weeks ago

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illyria83 116p · 465 weeks ago

How to respond when someone tries to buy you coffee:
1. "Oh, I'm fine"
2. "Oh, I already paid"
3. "Oh.......... Thank you"
(those ellipses indicate the moment a dim light bulb inside my head finally went on)

2 replies · active 465 weeks ago

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vlad · 465 weeks ago

“Your hair looks so good that I want to change my entire life. Please don’t feel emotionally responsible for my well-being after hearing that.”

This perfectly encapsulates what happens every time I decide I like someone and wish to express a normal human amount of affection and then get locked into a cycle of second guessing myself that ends in constant whiplash motions between excessively confident turbo-warmth and overzealous self-deprecating aloofness.

1 reply · active 465 weeks ago

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veryfinestlions · 465 weeks ago

Oh lord I've had so many of these conversations and I'm not even sure flirting was involved in any of them.

I guess there's the time a couple months ago when I asserted, in response to an accusation of good-smelling, that I had in fact showered that morning. I was really impressed with myself there.

+29 Vote up Vote down

Alli525 111p · 465 weeks ago

Ugggggghhhhh this is my LIFE. I met a cute boy at a wedding this weekend and I think? he was flirting with me? But I am an idiot and really don't know and now I am very glad he lives 500 miles away because writing him off is just easier than continuing to wonder.

1 reply · active 465 weeks ago

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hlmorris85 108p · 465 weeks ago

sigh. I try to take some comfort in the fact that there's *probably* an alternate universe out there where a better-versed-in-social-skills me understood that the cute boy who wanted to talk about Rilo Kiley at the book fair ten years ago was flirting with her and responded with something better than *weird side-eye, half-hearted nod, run away*

life is one big missed opportunity but I live in hope that my alternate selves are doing it better.

1 reply · active 465 weeks ago

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Givemebackmehat 104p · 465 weeks ago

I literally ran out of a building yesterday when it was pointed out that the warehouse manager was, in fact, flirting with me and not just being extra helpful. I feel all of these deeply.

+72 Vote up Vote down

grumblyqueer 139p · 465 weeks ago

I do think you're really, ridiculously cute, and I know you might be flirting, but either I forgot to come out to you or you forgot to come out to me, and I'm sworn off straight girls.

5 replies · active 465 weeks ago

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Räven 125p · 465 weeks ago

What about <something terribly combative and rude, so at least now I know what we're doing next>.

+31 Vote up Vote down

Ronit · 465 weeks ago

“Please make it clearer which reaction you want me to have before I make a mistake.”

how did Mallory get access to my AIM chat logs from freshman year of college :-/

+21 Vote up Vote down

popelizbet 109p · 465 weeks ago

Once again Mallory makes me need a tinfoil hat because she is inside my brain.

+46 Vote up Vote down

Sandy · 465 weeks ago

1. Mallory has apparently watched me have every conversation I've ever had with a stranger at a party, but also

2. "I have a related anecdote, which I will now relate, unless you wish otherwise” is a great piece of lost Perd Hapley dialogue.

+45 Vote up Vote down

awnutts 127p · 465 weeks ago

I think this is a transcript of Perd Hapley flirting.

This is not a criticism.

1 reply · active 465 weeks ago

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crgreenham 108p · 465 weeks ago

I sent this article wholesale to the person I've been nervously but enthusiastically dating a short while and am now extremely unsure about whether that was correct.
This article needed more guidelines for usage, mallory

1 reply · active 465 weeks ago

+41 Vote up Vote down

suzynjackson 117p · 465 weeks ago

Guy: *flirting*
Me: *snort*, what is that, gorgonzola?
Guy: *confused*
Me: really good cheese
Guy: I need to be over there right now.
Me: *why isn't he coming back, after I complimented him on his cheesy flirtation?*

That was a long time ago, and fortunately by the time my future husband started flirting with me, I knew well enough not to laugh at him, but only to tell him every terrible joke I knew. He asked me out again anyway.

+20 Vote up Vote down

Tracy · 465 weeks ago

"I'm not entirely sure where this story was going, so I'm going to stop speaking" - the way I've ended most stories in my recent Sustained Flirtation with a Boy.

+29 Vote up Vote down

DishKit · 465 weeks ago

You know, I'm not usually an oblivious person, but apparently this guy I know has been flirting with me and I didn't realize because 1) I assumed he was gay like most of the guys at my school, and 2) he is nice to me. He has told me that my hair is beautiful, complimented my outfit, etc. He didn't even try to touch me for weeks. I've never met a man interested in women who acts this way. (Which is admittedly kind of sad and why I'm on my guard about falling for him too quickly.)

I still thought he was gay up to the point where we were lying on his bed and he took my hand, then leaned in to kiss me. That was exactly what I wanted, but I wasn't about to make the first move on a gay dude and make him feel uncomfortable! (It would not have been my first rodeo.)

+21 Vote up Vote down

Alice · 465 weeks ago

NicesmartcuteGuy: "I like you. I mean it, I really like you." Touches my hair. I pull away reflexively.
Me: "Huh. Ok.... so..." change of topic.

Months later:
NicesmartcuteGuy: "Sorry if I offended you or something when I told you how much I liked you."
Me: "Wait....you *liked* me?! How was I to know?"
:(

+38 Vote up Vote down

fromthelandwithlove 94p · 465 weeks ago

You cannot be interested in me! Certainly not! For NOBODY is interested in me! Fie upon you, good sir!

...cue all of my feelings about MAYBE beginning something with a person I am not sure, but he is Skinny and I am Fat and of course attractive Skinny gentlemen don't date Fat women, says all of society and also most men I have been interested in since I crossed the line into genuinely Fat. I need a hug, some help with internalized fat phobia, and to go kick my ex from junior year of college in the teeth.

5 replies · active 465 weeks ago

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Jakki · 465 weeks ago

As the person usually flirting with the people who are panicking like this. I still do not understand these...

+28 Vote up Vote down

PettyVengeanceFetish 88p · 465 weeks ago

Guy: You have nice X
Me: I know right!?
Guy: *Mildly offended expression*
Me: I saw it in the mirror this morning, of course I know. Next!

or

Guy: *flirts*
Me: This is it, the end. You're going to be murdered because look at your previous history with men who've liked you. You will be found in an ice box you'll have to be buried in.

I really need to find an in-between

+32 Vote up Vote down

VioletandIrises 120p · 465 weeks ago

Could we also have "How To Respond When You Suspect Someone Suspects You Are Flirting With Them, But You're Not, You Just Enjoy Quippy Banter"?

1 reply · active 432 weeks ago

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