By Jane Marie

Jane Marie is a writer, mother, fighter and lover.

  1. Hardly any of these things are on sale today because when I commit to a theme, rules be damned! This is the last Bargain Bin here at The Toast. Don't ask me what we're gonna do now because I do not even know. Just jerk off all day, I guess?

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  2. OK, let's play a game. These rings are no longer available in the letters pictured here, but they do have A, B, J, M, S and W left. What words can we make across our knucks? I'll start: SWAB. Your turn. Make it count.

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  3. We're gonna spend a lot of imaginary money today, ready? Let's start with this jellyfish rug for the playroom! So expensive, yet so impractically off-white. Why not get a pair?

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  4. My best friend in the whole wide world has a cluster of these hanging over her kitchen island and it is so infuriating. Some even have ivy rooting in them. First off, must be nice to have a handy huzz who'll rig up a complicated system to even hang them from in the first place. Second off, how do you find the time to change the water and wash them and keep 'em all sparkly…

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  5. Let's all pretend for a moment that all that nonsense from last Friday was just a joke, eh? Speaking of jokes, get a load of these wine tags some drunk person must've confused for barrettes!

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  6. Here's what I got myself for Mother's Day. My kid isn't old enough to buy me anything -- although Sonia at daycare made her hand me a cupcake-shaped foil balloon today with the words "Sweet Mom" scrawled across the bottom; the obvious mischaracterization being the main clue that this gift wasn't selected for me by my daughter. Still made me cry. Happy Mother's Day. Moving on!

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  7. Man, what a depressing week. We gotta do something about this. You know what you do? You go out and buy eight sets of these and wear them all at once. That's what you do.

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  8. It's festival season, y'all. Personally, I find the term offensive. Every season is festival season if you're willing to go to whatever festival is happening. Right now in California we've got a Renaissance Pleasure Faire (yes, "pleasure" is in the name), Coachell-ugh, and a bunch of film festivals because no one out here has a real job.

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  9. This is here as an excuse to talk about two other giant rings: the future Mrs. Kardashian's and the one Kandi Burruss wore on the recent RHOA reunion. What even was that?

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  10. Around here we believe jokes and lies are the best and should be enjoyed every day of the year, not just April 1st. But here's a true statement: we've been looking for a bow like this all winter. See? Not as fun.

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  11. OK, sorry to put underwear straight up in your face today, but I'd like to talk about something: why is it SO hard to find 100% cotton underwear anymore? And another thing: padded bras. Who needs 'em!?

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  12. Is it warm in here or is it just me or is it just global climate change, lol? Whichever is the case, we're patio dreaming.

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  13. These are pretty dope, but what we really need to talk about is how they now sell metal-looking refrigerators that DO NOT attract magnets. What the actual eff?

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  14. If you don't like bows (monster) there's also a fortune cookie, acorn, bird, fox, key and home pregnancy test. Just kidding about that last one.

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  15. Rarely in our never-ending quest for the perfect drug store dupe do we come across one as perfect as this by asking the waitress at Red Robin what makes her eyes so beautifully catlike. Even the included brush works. Today is a miracle.

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