I don't know.

↳ Of course you do, you ridiculous girl. Cast your mind back to the night of April the thirteenth.

The night of the cotillion?

↳ You're not well-dressed enough to play that stupid with me, child. The evening after.

I did nothing that day.

↳ You did plenty.

Kristen Hanley Cardozo's previous work for The Toast can be found here.

17. The Race Forever

The grim reality of her place in a capitalist society is early forced upon the child reader. The futility of the race is apparent in its construction. In a race that never ends, you can never win. All your labor goes to the entertainment and profit of others. You will race. You will race

…

Previously: Choose Your Own P.G. Wodehouse Adventure.

You are born. If you cry, turn to page 61. If you fall asleep, turn to page 14. You have made it through your first year of life. If you take a step away from your mother, turn to page 23. If you decide to crawl, turn to page 39. You have made it to the age of four! If you decide to follow your brothers down…

1. Claude and Eustace have been sent down from Oxford but refuse to leave your flat until they have made their professional debut on the West End, an aim to which your aunt strenuously objects. What do you feed the Empress? If you feed the Empress acorns, select A. If you feed the Empress mash with a nip of bourbon, select B.  2. You accidentally steal the umbrella of a social superior. Do you start a…