Previously: Choose Your Own P.G. Wodehouse Adventure.
You are born. If you cry, turn to page 61. If you fall asleep, turn to page 14.
You have made it through your first year of life. If you take a step away from your mother, turn to page 23. If you decide to crawl, turn to page 39.
You have made it to the age of four! If you decide to follow your brothers down to the river, turn to page 8. If you decide to stay at home, turn to page 67.
You have made it to the age of fifteen. Turn to page 11.
It is daytime. Turn to page 19.
You are invited to go on a ship and travel. If you decide to go, turn to page 44. If you decide not to go, turn to page 57.
You have a child of your own. If you are a woman, turn to page 30. If you are a man, turn to page 51.
Page 8: A mild scratch from a thorn bush turns into a raging fever and a pus-ridden infection within 24 hours. You die horribly distended and red from the heat.
Page 11: You have died in childbirth.
Page 14: After you fall asleep, one of your twelve siblings accidentally rolls over on your face, killing you almost instantly. Later that evening, he will develop sepsis from a hangnail and die before dawn. To save time, you will be buried in the same grave.
Page 19: You have died in childbirth.
Page 23: While toddling about the yard, you gnaw on a fistful of dirt and pick up a mild stomach bug. You are dead from dehydration within four days.
Page 30: You have died in childbirth.
Page 39: You live contentedly — albeit malnourished — for another three years before coming down with a sudden and fatal case of the mumps. Your body is thrown in the river, where you will go on to contaminate the drinking water of an entire settlement several miles downstream.
Page 44: A cholera epidemic breaks out. Luckily, you manage to die of the flu before coming down with a case yourself.
Page 51: Your wife has died in childbirth. You marry another woman, who also dies in childbirth. Your third wife survives until you die of virulent smallpox, after which she dies in childbirth.
Page 57: The cholera epidemic reaches you anyway, while you are in the middle of dying in childbirth.
Page 61: The sound of your crying has attracted horrible, slavering predators to your family’s dwelling; you are all eaten alive in one of the most painful deaths imaginable. Your entire gene pool is wiped out.
Page 67: Your brothers drown in the river; you survive for another three months fending for yourself on an extremely reduced diet until you finally succumb to exhaustion and vitamin deficiency.
Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.