Previously: A Day in the Life of Dr. Oz
“We’ll be there for forty-five minutes, tops,” Derek had said. “I just promised Angela we would come by. I’m sorry. I really am. But I swear it won’t be that bad.”
Alix had rolled her eyes at him. “My one night out this whole week.”
“I knooow,” Derek had groaned happily. “I’m awful, doing this to you. I’ll buy you a diamond.”
“Derek.”
“Ruby diamonds. Ten of ‘em.”
“Just promise me you won’t leave me alone with these people.”
Derek smiled. “Gold diamonds.”
She braced herself. Smiled at the rearview mirror. Smoothed down the front of her skirt. “They’re not going to be weird about it, right?”
Derek kept smiling.
*
“Oh my God,” the young woman said.
Derek was already running into the kitchen, the door swinging behind him, releasing a wobbling crescent of light into the living room every few seconds. Fuck you, Derek, she thought helplessly, then directed a bright smile onto the girl’s upturned face.
“Oh my God,” the girl said, “you were married to Louis C.K.? Like, the Louis C.K., from Louie?”
“Yeah,” Alix said, smile still bright.
“Danny. Danny. Danny. Danny,” the girl repeated loudly to a young man in glasses–presumably christened Danny–a few feet away. “Danny,” she said proudly when he turned to join them, “this is Alice. Alix. From Louis C.K. She married him. She’s the ex-wife.”
“Oh, my God,” Danny said. “You have to talk to us. I swear to God, you have to promise you won’t talk to anyone else all night.”
Smile a little less bright now.
The girl spread her hands wide. “I think he’s a genius.” Was she wearing false eyelashes? Did this girl put on a set of false eyelashes to go to a house party? That was insane. Right? That was insane? It had been a while since Alix had gotten to go out on the weekends, but did women (girls, her mind hissed) really put on false eyelashes to go to a party in someone’s living room on a Friday night?
“Yeah, it’s great, how many people support his work. I’m actually only in the city right now for a few weeks working on s–”
Danny, who had been nodding his head and murmuring “uh-huh” at every third or fourth word of Alix’s, sat on the top of the sofa and said: “He’s an actual genius, like da Vinci, you know?”
“I–”
“An actual genius.”
“I think he’s really brave,” the girl said. Danny nodded again.
“Really brave. Because he talks about how unfuckable he is–”
“And that’s what makes him fuckable,” Danny finished for her.
“Right. That’s what makes him so fuckable.”
“Really glad you guys like his work,” Alix said vaguely, trying to avoid eye contact as much as possible. “So what do you do?”
“No disrespect,” the girl said, putting down her wineglass and leaning in conspiratorially, “no disrespect, but if he ever married me, I would NEVER divorce him. Ever. I would fuck him all the time.”
“Oh,” Alix said, looking around and catching Derek’s gaze, who raised a bottle in her direction and winked. Fuck yourself with ten…with ten fucks, Derek, she thought helplessly. “Well, you know, sometimes things just don’t work out.”
“He just seems like such a good dad,” the girl continued. She tipped her wineglass back and drained it. “I don’t know if you watch the show–do you watch the show?–but he is, like, crazy about his little girls. He’s such a good dad.”
Danny nodded. He was a real nodder, this Danny. “Such a good dad,” he echoed. “You can tell because he’s always talking about what a good dad he is.”
“Such a good dad,” the girl said. Alix couldn’t remember her name. She was just The Girl, like a character in an Ingmar Bergman film. Did she have a home? Did she have a job? Or did she just melt in and out of existence in this living room whenever parties were winding down?
“Yeah,” Alix said. This was safer. Dad stuff was safer.
Danny tilted his head. “Was it weird,” he said, then tilted his head in the opposite direction. “Was it weird when he talked about how gross he was getting while you guys were still married?”
“How gross he thought he was getting,” the girl corrected him. “He thinks he’s gross, but that’s what makes him hot. In a gross way.”
“Right,” Danny said. “But when he talked about how he was too gross to fuck, and then that just made him want to get grosser and all. Was that weird? Because you were still married?”
“Mmm,” Alix said.
“Is it true that you, like, never had sex with him?” the girl asked.
“I–”
“Because that sad handjob story was like, really sad.”
Alix made a sound that never quite finished making its way out of her throat.
“I think you should have been nicer about it.”
“Okay, well–”
“The handjob.”
“Right.”
“Nicer about that handjob you gave him.”
“Right, I see what you mean.”
“Like, he already felt really bad, about being so gross. And none of those girls he talked about wanting to fuck would fuck him. So I really think you could have been nicer when you gave him the handjob.”
Danny, still in a continuous state of nodding, nodded again.
“I’m really not comfortable discussing this.”
“That’s really interesting,” the girl said. “Is that why you guys split up? Because Louis seems like he’s comfortable talking about anything.”
“That’s why I think he’s so brave,” Danny added.
“Oh my God, so brave,” the girl said.
“Well,” Alix said.
“That’s just what I think.” The girl grabbed a handful of crackers off of the plate. “That’s just what I think.”
“I should go,” Alix said, putting down her glass and wiping her lips. “I should go check on the kids.”
“I thought Louis had them on Friday nights?” Danny said.
“Yeah, I thought Louis had them on the weekends. He has them on the weekends on the show. Do you watch the show?
[Image via Wikimedia Commons]
Tags: a day in the life, alix bailey, awful parties, fuck you derek, like an actual genius, louis ck
Derek is such a Derek. Making Derek moves all over the damn place. Dereks, man. Fuckin’ Dereks.
This is true.
I really wanted this story to end with Derek having a bottle broken over his head or something.
It’s not even 10:30am and I already want to punch a hopefully-fictional someone in the face.
You know when you read a title and you just think “Everything in my life has been waiting for this article”?
Okay, off to actually read the article now I suppose…
Ok, I’m back.
A++
I mean, yes, but… Louis CK, though.
TOUCHE
PARRY
RIPOSTE
perhaps my argument lacks finesse, but you cannot deny its validity.
Well, but can you IMAGINE. His first HBO show, the subsequent stand-up routines, the CURRENT show. She’s an artist in her own right and she probably puts up with this every time she meets someone new. I’m sure she cleared most of the material, and the portrayal on Louie is clearly a deviation from reality (plus she’s played by the most amazing actress), but I’m exhausted for her just WRITING this.
Which is a long way of agreeing with you, because obviously, Louis CK. Still though.
This is true for a lot of people though right? I mean, I can’t actually come up with one off the top of my head, because it’s Monday morning gimme a break, but there are a lot of fictional stories out there – movies, tv, books, plays whatever – where someone is portrayed probably inaccurately and you just have to deal with it right?
I agree that he is in his own realm, because he is just.. interesting and different and so brave obviously, so it has its own elements that make the situation unique.
Sure. This particular instance just rings true because he’s so prominent right now, and a lot of his successful works are built around her either directly or indirectly.
(Edited to add: out of curiosity, I just looked up Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf on Wikipedia and Martha and George ARE based on real people. Worst fictional legacy??)
Oh, for sure. I just can’t imagine what it’s like to actually be the ex of someone who has A) cultivated a persona that is so much about his purported unfuckability and self-loathing (plus a determination to stay as disgusting as possible because fuck everyone), B) talks frequently about his urgent-to-the-point-of-despair sexual desires, and is C) UNIVERSALLY ADORED BY ALL.
ALSO I find it deeply creepy when women my own age talk about how “weirdly sexy” he is for, I guess, being over forty and hating himself? WHICH IS VERY JUDGMENTAL OF ME I REALIZE. Also that the bar for “being such a good dad” is “having joint custody and talking about it.”
He’s probably a changeling.
LASTLY: (apparently I had a lot to say about this)
I don’t know that he’s such a great dad. I don’t see him every day, I only know what he portrays and shares with the world, so of course we can’t know if that’s realistic or not.
But I will say that as a child of divorced parents, so much of his attitude toward his kids sounds like/reminds me of my childhood. And I love my dad very much, and he is a fantastic father. Some of the scenes on his show with his daughters could have been scripted from my life.
GOD THAT KILLS ME. My partner is, in fact, such a good dad to our kid, but people constantly want to give him the goddamn Nobel for changing a diaper. He was giving the baby a bottle once when we were out, and a woman said to me “that’s the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen!” OH REALLY. THE MOST AMAZING THING YOU’VE EVER SEEN, A GROWN MAN HOLDING AN INFANT WITHOUT KILLING IT. . I CAN KEEP THIS CHILD ALIVE FOR FIVE MINUTES TOO, WHERE THE FUCK IS MY MEDAL.
Ooof sorry. Sore subject 😀
Mr. Iceberg is actually a better dad than I am a mom! People are usually too busy going “OHMYGAWDARETHOSETRIPLETS???!!!” to gender-box our parenting, but I do remember all the nurses in the NICU being pleased and almost shocked that he did as much kangaroo-care (naked hippie-health baby-holding, totally works, google it) as I did.
Yeah, my husband is DEFINITELY a better dad than I am a mom. A+ to him, thank God for him.
i think i love you…your my twin
When you put it that way – it does seem so odd, that he is so adored. It is a lot of what has helped him to become as successful as he is (strangely enough) although it is not everything he talks about. (Also I’ve seen him perform twice and once was with my dad?? Don’t judge me? It’s really not 100% about sex, I swear.)
In reply to your other comment about him being “weirdly sexy” – I think that’s people responding to his humor. Funny people are sexy. It doesn’t have anything to do with his weight – but it can be mis-attributed or maybe the funny part makes the physical appearance part more appealing?
And also: James Gandolfini. Everyone says the same about him. And his character that he is most known for playing was reeeeally not all that great. In some ways, yes. But in other ways so not.
I think Louis CK is sexy, but it’s definitely his sense of humor. That goes a long way with me. I also like his smile, though.
This makes me feel less bad about never having watched Louis C.K. Yes, yes, I’m a heathen, I’ll go wait in the car.
I’m glad I haven’t seen it (or any of his work) so I don’t have to have to have complicated feelings about this.
I definitely have complicated feelings because – I like him – but YES I still completely agree it must be a huge PITA to be his ex-wife.
On the other hand, this makes us ideal people to be besties with Alix. No preconceived notions about your life choices here, Alix, let’s go get a drink!
You guys, we all love Louis. But I would hope if you were to meet his ex at a social occasion, you would know NOT to do this? A comedian’s routine does not give you a real insight into his marriage or other personal affairs. And it’s just RUDE to grill someone about their ex. Hilarious to contemplate though 🙂
isn’t that the point?
I watched the saddest handjob sketch with my ex while we were still married, and we both cracked up because that’s EXACTLY how it was with us. It was pretty awkward.
Guys the show is spelled “Louie” with an e. (I’M SORRY IT WAS BUGGING ME!!!!)
I will never fix it
And that’s why you’re a bigger hero than Louis CK will ever be
I’m glad I’m not the one who had to say this!
THINGS I HAVE LEARNED ABOUT ALIX BAILEY IN THE LAST TEN MINUTES:
She exists. Her name is Alix Bailey. I wish my name was Alix Bailey.
She is an artist and painter.
She has an imdb page. The movies she’s in look pretty awful, and also like she might be in them as a joke.
On this imdb page, her alternate name is: “my wife Alix.”
She once gave Louis C.K. a “sad handjob.” I am willing to bet it was not just that once.
She’s an Aquarius. Madame Clairvoyant’s advice to Aquariuses this week is advice that, in light of this article, makes me cringe for any parties Alix may attend this evening.
I cannot find any of her paintings. I can, however, find 30 different articles in which her biography is “to whom Louis C.K. was married until 2010.”
Let’s be real, who hasn’t given a sad handjob at least once in their life?
I just watched the Youtube of that bit, and he does the “eh? eehhhhh?” are-you-coming-yet eyebrows scarily spot-on.
If I’m really being honest, aren’t all handjobs sad handjobs?
Um…no? Not in my experience at least.
I found a painting by an Alix Bailey. I do not know if it is THIS Alix Bailey. Here is a link.
Yep, that’s her. I saw that exhibit.
I would probably wear fake eyelashes to a house party. Sometimes I wear fake eyelashes just to sit around on my couch and watch Netflix. I would never grill someone about their relationship with Louis C.K., though, and if I ever feel the urge (and, you know, meet Louis C.K.’s ex-wife) in future I will remember this post and keep my mouth shut.
When are we going to get a Toby Keith fanfic, Mallory? I’m waiting.
I really hope Alix Bailey finds this and is comforted by it.
This story is like a short from Louie.
Yet another thing that makes me feel like a fucking alien, but I just don’t get the Louis CK adoration. I just. don’t. get it.
I’ll come sit by you, then. He’s… fine? Amusing when I happen to catch him? But not “weirdly sexy” to me. More “clearly exhausting.”
I always do the *head tip* thing when people adore Louis CK because his routines always seem like they’ve been stolen from stereotypical 80’s lady comedians: I hate my body, my marriage is/was depressing, KIDS AMIRITE?, etc. You know, the things jerkfaces use in defense of “female comedians aren’t funny” logic, but which they assume/find to be hilarious when expounded upon by a dude?
That said, it’s not that I don’t find it amusing, just not…revolutionary? I guess?
Ooh, could you give me some names of those comedians so that I may search/YouTube? I periodically look for talented and skilled female comedians that I connect with.
Yes, that describes how I feel perfectly.
I really like a lot of his comedy, like gasping for breath laughing at some of them. A good 20% though I just think ‘yeah well done?’ And I don’t get the adoration because part of what makes him funny to me is that he speaks aloud those parts of myself that I find I am helpless to improve. Which is cathartic but OH BOY would that be irritating to deal with in real life.
And also a lot of his parenting stories just seem…. like yes, that is what parenting means? Dealing with baby shit and kids asking questions? If it were a woman telling that joke it wouldn’t be a joke it would be a mother’s lunch and people would wonder why she was on stage. I should note, I have only seen his standup not any of his tv show.
Yes, that describes how I feel perfectly.
Um…no? Not in my experience at least.
One of my exes wrote an autobiography, and wrote a little about me and I was pretty awful in it. It was not entirely wrong, but it it made me feel I deserved a rebuttal.
I had fantasies about showing up at one of his readings on his book tour and ?
So then I realized, no one cares about my version of events.
Poor Alix.
Uggh, that must have been SO FRUSTRATING. I would want to punch him! There’s little so annoying as being misrepresented/selectively represented and not having a way to correct it.
And that's why you're a bigger hero than Louis CK will ever be
I'm glad I'm not the one who had to say this!
God this was great.
Gastly behaviour. Poor woman.
I love Louis CK’s comedy, but I always thought he’d be a bit of an ass in real life. He humor comes from being brutally honest about things people would rather not talk about. But that comes with a price. And it isn’t always paid by the one airing the dirty laundry.
Ooh, could you give me some names of those comedians so that I may search/YouTube? I periodically look for talented and skilled female comedians that I connect with.