Cocktail Hour

by The Bartender · July 26, 2013

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Hello, dear friends and strangers. I am here because I love two things almost beyond all else: toast and toasts. Meaning booze and bread. Food and drink.

And so, each Friday night I’ll share a pairing with you that will send you happily into your weekends, prepared for whatever fun (or no matter what not-fun) awaits you. Today, let’s start with a basic recipe. Ease into things, right?

This is not the last post of the day; tune in later for more. For now, I toast you all and wish you well as only a Russian can, with vodka and a piece of black rye bread. Simple. Beautiful. Effective. Na zdarovye!

Now, what are your troubles?

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203 Comments

  1. fondue with cheddar +4

    Speaking of toasts, my sister-in-law is having a wine party tonight, but I don’t drink anymore so I hope nobody will drink my sparkling cider.

    1. mbculver +8

      If anyone gets near your cider, just grab it, hug it to your bosom and croon, “It’s mine, my own, my preciousss….” I’m sure that’ll do it.

      1. fondue with cheddar +2

        Haha. I would just keep it in my lap the whole time, but I really want it to be chilled. Maybe I should just put a threatening note on it…

          1. fondue with cheddar +6

            Good idea, because if I only have one bottle and someone drinks any of it I won’t have enough.

  2. CatFoodParty +1

    How much can one expect to pay for alterations to a silk chiffon bridesmaid dress? I just need it taken in a bit.

    1. robotosaur +1

      Varies wildly, but I suspect anywhere from $40-100 to take it in, depending on your region and the dress.

      1. CatFoodParty +1

        UGH. I paid $300 for the dress, I really didn’t want to spend more than $40… I mean, it’s never going to be worn again!

        1. halleloujah +2

          YOU PAID $300 FOR A BRIDESMAID DRESS??? Good god almighty. That’s how much my wedding dress cost. You’re a saint, I think?

          1. CatFoodParty +1

            Yes, but what do you say?! “No, I’m sorry, this is too much… I can’t be a bridesmaid” ??? I just paid it and didn’t say anything as she went on about how it’s something we could wear again. No, it’s not.

            You all have convinced me not to get it altered though. It’s not too big that I can’t make it work.

          2. aekessler +1

            You can always sell it online. That way you get some of your money back. I know that they do that on OnceWed with wedding dresses. Plus, a $300 dress is probably high quality and could be sold.

    2. jhsaxena +3

      I paid about $80 for taking in the straps and the bust, in New York City though, so I assume cheaper if you’re not in New York?

      Related: Does anyone want to buy a blue chiffon bridesmaid dress?

    3. cherrispryte +7

      Something I heard but have never done: Don’t tell the tailor (seamstress? the person doing the alterations) – don’t tell them it’s a bridesmaid dress. Just say it’s a party dress or something, as they tend to hike up the prices for wedding-related dresses.

      1. CatFoodParty +1

        Good call. I feel that it’s blaringly a bridesmaid dress (long silk chiffon. IN AUGUST) but perhaps I can convince them otherwise!

  3. thebestjasmine +12

    That is a lovely plate and glass, but someone needs to stop burning her toast.

    I am currently an invalid (I love that word) and have therefore been watching a LOT of House Hunters and House Hunters International. I have just one question: what is WITH the obsession with granite countertops? They are usually ugly, and also hard to clean! Why do people care so very much?

    1. mbculver +5

      Funny, I’ve been watching alot of HH and HHI over the last few months, and I’m stumped over the demand for granite. But then I’m also amused at first-time buyers who want 4,000-sq-ft houses with 4+ bedrooms, deluxe kitchens, huge yards and finished basements, all for a budget of $200K.

      2. thebestjasmine +2

        Living in the Bay Area, it is AMAZING to see these people buy actual houses with a $200K budget, and then when they get all picky about wanting 3 bedrooms and stainless steel appliances it kills me.

    2. noodge4lyfe +3

      I totally agree. Why aren’t people as obsessed with concrete countertops as I am?

      1. whizzdumb +2

        I only agree with that for burnt cheese. Otherwise I’m on Jasmine’s side, I would like to see more pictures of lightly toasted toast. Maybe I’m just traumatized from being burned with fire after being a bad boyfriend THAT WAS YEARS AGO.

        2. mbculver +2

          And burnt sausages. Somehow a sausage isn’t really a sausage unless it’s slightly burnt.

        3. thebestjasmine +2

          I agree on burnt cheese, and I’m actually kind of partial to (slightly) burnt popcorn. But not toast, never toast!

    4. SarcasticFringehead +2

      Plus also, if the house doesn’t have granite countertops, you can put them in. You don’t need the house to be perfect in every detail when you buy it, House Hunting people.

      (we lived in an apartment with granite countertops for a while, and I did not find them any better or worse than any other countertops, except that they hid spills really well. Now we have white tiled countertops with grout, and they get disgusting-looking really fast)

      1. madgehowlet +1

        Grout on countertops is The Worst. Why do people do that? Do they like to see the scrunge that accumulates? Does that validate them and make them feel alive, to be making the world a little more filthy?

        I may have quietly lost my damn mind over the kitchen in a rental apartment that was covered in 4″x4″ white squares with slightly less-white grout that was, like, half an inch wide. I used a lot of gel bleach before I finally came to terms with never making eye contact with the counters.

        1. SarcasticFringehead +3

          Ughh we have those same 4″ tiles, but fortunately the grout is not so…prominent. Also fortunately(?) the counters are old enough that the grout has mostly turned a uniform shade of gross, so I can pretend that’s what it’s supposed to look like (the reality is that it’s 40 years’ worth of salmonella, which is why no food touches the counters).

    5. roxythroatpunch +2

      Jasmine, that toast looks perfect to slop some peanut butter on. If it was just butter, it could be a little less toasted, but overall, I am on the almost-burnt-please train.

      I also like the butts of loaves, which works out well for me since nobody else does.

    6. blueblazes11 +3

      I often hatewatch HH and HHI. “Hello, I’m Dudebro Corporatewhore. I have a zillion dollars to spend on a second home, and I’m going to complain about the color of the countertops as if blueblazes11’s house is not full of ants and lacking closets.”

      1. icebergmama +1

        Those motherfuckers!

        There is one front desk lady in my office building that I rarely talk to, but every tine I do she brings up some House Hunters show that has an Aussie on it, or is filmed partly in Australia or something? I hate to tell her that I have never even seen it once, and that unless I’m feeling homesick I don’t like hearing the Aussie accent as it grates on the ear now I’m used to the Southern US purr/drawl.

        1. thebestjasmine +1

          Okay, I am watching an episode of House Hunters International set in Australia right this second! It’s so pretttttty.

      2. SarcasticFringehead +1

        Seriously. Oh, you’d like all stainless steel appliances? Well, I’d like to live in an apartment that gets more than an hour of direct sun every day and whose walls aren’t painted a soul-sucking shade of yellowish-beige, but we can’t all get everything we want, CAN WE.

  4. jdumais +6

    I am frantically re-watching a bunch of Doctor Who for writing-related reasons and I had to take a break after a marathon last weekend ended in my having horrific nightmares and a major anxiety attack the next day. It was so confusing and frustrating!!! Then two days later my period started, like a week early, so I’m hoping that was the worst of it, but I still have an essay I have to write and another season I have to go through. WRITING: THE WORST

  5. halleloujah +5

    One of the stupid royal baby’s names is MY baby’s name and I am PISSED. Back up off my geezer-name-for-tiny-child game, Kate! DON’T YOU HAVE ENOUGH ALREADY?

    1. pernickety3 +14

      Speaking of the royal baby, is anyone else quite disappointed that it’s a boy? I really wanted a queen by primogeniture now that the law was changed. Since I am not British and this is someone else’s life I don’t why I care so much though.

      1. Kerry +12

        Somebody I cannot now remember (HELPFUL!) was making a great point about how this was possibly the first time in history that most people were wishing a royal baby would be a girl.

      2. rkfire +10

        I’m really disappointed that Lesbian British Queen is a complete non-starter now, although the (bizarre and slight) hope of future Queen Blue Ivy Carter of England is still alive and well.

    2. mbculver +2

      I know, I know. I’m assuming it’s in honor of Lord Mountbatten, and I’m too lazy to google whether that’s true, so I’m going to keep assuming it.

    3. MrsTeacherFace +2

      I know! My husband and I were thinking of using Alexander for a boy, but now I wonder if it’s going to have a huge surge of popularity. I have a name that was the second most popular the year I was born, and I would hate to do that to my own kid. “Oh, yeah, there are 6 other Alexanders in your class. You can be Alexander #2.”

  6. combledore +6

    My wedding is three months away and none of my vendors are calling me back. And someone cooked fish in the office microwave for two days in a row.

    1. MalloryOrtberg +8

      I will defend the right of people to cook fish in the microwave at work TIL I DIE.

      1. halleloujah +4

        I do it all the time! Microwaves are for cooking and fish is for eating, so deal with it you whiners! Also see: curry. I’m aware I’m a monster.

        1. MrsTeacherFace +2

          I guess to be fair I often cook curry and other herbal/fragrant foods in the microwave, which is why I just wrinkle my nose at the fish lady and don’t complain aloud. Curry smells delicious though! (if you like curry)

      3. wisco_disco +3

        Recently someone cooked tuna and cauliflower TOGETHER in the microwave at work and it SMELLED like someone died.

    2. MrsTeacherFace +4

      Ugh, gross, I have one coworker who does that once a week and our tiny office smells terrible for the next two days. 🙁

      Also, I hate seafood.

      1. MalloryOrtberg +18

        Life is stern and life is earnest and life is too wracked with pain to tell people what not to cook in an office kitchen. I worked once with an elderly woman who almost every day would heap a paper plate full of cold sardines, their gelled eyes staring mutely up to the ceiling through a congealed layer of oil. It brought her joy.

        However, she did not microwave them, and that has made all the difference.

      2. combledore +3

        I would care less, I suppose, if I was not right next to the kitchen. Great for overhearing interesting things, bad for smells.

    3. Devushka +1

      Your vendors will never call you back. The sooner you accept it, the saner you will be. But they will show up, I promise.

  7. Passing_Strange +7

    It’s Pride weekend in my city! Happy Pride everyone! I am excited because I have a shirt that says Solid Gold Clit to wear, and I’m trying to decide if I should wear it to every single party, or only one of the parties.

  8. lauraingallswildest +3

    i’m taking the bar exam tuesday. i’m not panicking anymore, just sort of sadly resigned to my imminent failure. related: fuck you virginia, for having so many minutely varied forms of local government that i could not possibly care any less about. wednesday i will be drinking ALL THE VODKA.

    1. combledore +3

      Good luck! I remember that “fuck it” feeling in the days leading up to the bar. You will be fine, and ALL THE VODKA for you!

    2. roxythroatpunch +6

      omg, I read that sentence – TWICE – as “Fuck you vagina, for having so many…” and I was SO CONFUSED.

    3. deleted9457019 +6

      You will be fine! You will pass, and after a few years the nightmares (“there’s a whole section no one told me about and where are my pants??!”) will stop and then everything will be fine.

  9. lyetteann +9

    I got a tumblr, and I have to say as blogging platforms go, it’s difficult to be anything but pure id when it comes to reblogging. Which is why my tumblr is currently 97% lady superheroes and Chris Evans.

    Anyway! I’m daisyrazor over there. Who are you all?

    2. MrsTeacherFace +4

      My tumblr was created purely as a place to collect Game of Thrones butt gifs, so I’m not sure anyone wants to see that. BUUTTTS!

        2. mbculver +2

          Passionately in love with your user name…excuse me a minute, I’ll just be over here in the corner crying tears of joy.

          (ETA: This is for carolinecrale, by the way. Although I’m sure MrsTeacherFace is very nice too.)

          1. carolinecrale +1

            thank you!!! i went through a phase a few summers ago where i though reading every poirot was a good use of my time (it was) and this has been my preferred nom de guerre ever since

    3. anninyn +1

      paranerdia.tumblr.com

      I’m an everything and everything blog really, but I like to reblog and make feminist posts and post pretty pics and pictures of my cats.

      I WILL FOLLOW EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU

    5. amativus +2

      I’m tersaudades.tumblr.com and mine is almost excusively angry feminist rants from around the internet, aspirational pictures of Beyonce, and pictures of piglets wearing funny accessories.

    7. elsajeni +1

      elsajeni.tumblr.com — 90% Hobbit/LOTR stuff at the moment

      (Also meressel.tumblr.com for my fanfic.)

    8. Quinn_A +3

      wavesandmoon.tumblr.com

      I have seen so many Chris Evans gifs lately! And I love him, but I am always a little perplexed when people are commenting on his sexiness in gifs where he is CLEARLY trying not to die of anxiety. I’m like, you want to shag him right now? I want to cover him in a big fluffy blanket and give him a cookie and a silly movie to watch.

      I have feelings about Chris Evans, obviously, but they are very rarely about shagging him.

      1. lyetteann +1

        I think he’s attractive, but yeah, sometimes I get sympathetic panic attacks when I see him trying not to run screaming from the room.

    9. Firoola +1

      Mine’s passing-over-freds-left-buttock (I know, I know, sorry), and I mostly just reblog sherlock/himym/movies etc (and harry potter, shocker).

      Off to follow all you guys.

    10. Step On It, Velma!

      I’m octopusmetronome and it’s almost all GoT and gifs of animals bein’ stupid.

    11. tekkah +1

      I am acciomjollnir.tumblr.com! I don’t really create Tumblr content so much as I pay it forward. I’m a reblogging machine.

    12. practical cat +1

      late to the party but I’m whowearsglasses just in case anyone was wondering who their new follower is. I don’t really do things there though.

  10. anachronistique +4

    It’s not yet time for me to leave work and take the bus to my hometown to spend the weekend making peach pie and playing with my parents’ dog.

    1. Alli525 +1

      Oooooh PEACH PIE. Maybe that’s what I’ll do this weekend, I’ve never made a peach pie before. Got a good recipe?

  11. icebergmama +2

    I don’t have any caffeinated soda in my home and I’m afraid I’m not going to have time to get more before I spend the day alone with my toddler triplets tomorrow… decaffeinated Mama and three tiny humans with definite opinions and zero impulse control = disaster.

    #ohthehumanity

    1. charlottecat +4

      This might not make financial sense, but usually when you order pizza or Chinese food you can also order soda. So you could have some delivered to your house that way. Or that PeaPod thing (that might be a DC-area thing but basically it’s run by the grocery store and they deliver groceries to your house).

      1. deleted9457019 +2

        And there’s a Chinese place at 18th and Columbia in DC that will deliver beer too! When I learned that, it was a great day.

      2. practical cat +1

        Oh man, I am (in a few days) moving to a city that PeaPod services and you have just changed my outlook on life. Thank you.

    2. emily_white +1

      Ugh, I ran out of coffee yesterday and it is the worst, and I don’t even have triplets to worry about. Maybe you could send the triplets to get the caffeine for you, Muppet Man-style.

    4. icebergmama +4

      crisis over guys, the caffeinated soda has been purchased. (also some chocolate ahem ahem.)

  12. MrsTeacherFace +1

    I finally put together my wedding quilt that served as our guest book. I hadn’t looked at the pieces since our wedding reception a year and a half ago. I’m a lazy quilter, so it’s not complicated, and it’s pretty small (30in x 30in), but IT’S DONE!
    Now I am kind of in the mood to do more sewing, but I’m lazy, so I may just crank out a bunch of baby quilts. Who wants a baby quilt?

      1. MrsTeacherFace +3

        Your babies are probably too big for the crib liners I normally make, but I could make something bigger if you give me dimensions! Or I could make a bear blanket, which is a big tradition in my family.

          1. rkfire +3

            OMG, adorable. I don’t have kids but my nickname for my husband is “bear” so we’re always joking about getting any Hypothetical Children bear-related items.

          2. mamacitaconpistoles +1

            My mom made my older brother something similar, but his is an Elephant Blanket. That bear is so cute!

            I’ve been making baby quilts for baby-having friends. My local fabric store sells storybook fabric, so I’ve made The Very Hungry Caterpillar. Goodnight Mood, Little Golden Book “Tawny Scrawny Lion”, Dr. Seuss, and Alphabet Primer quilts.

            They’ve been a blast to work on.

            This is the Goodnight Moon: goodnight_mush

          3. madgehowlet +1

            Wow, that is super great and I want one for a napping blanket! I hope your friends are properly appreciative!

          4. Sea_Money +1

            Good night moon!!!! This is great! I would weep if someone have this to me for a child. (I still have “bee blanket” my childhood blanket.

      1. icebergmama +3

        OMG that is adorable!!!! We’re actually good for quilts, but I would NOT turn down bear blankets!!! i’m iceberg dot hairpin at gmail etc <3 although I understand if you don’t want to make/ship THREE to a complete stranger!

        1. MrsTeacherFace +2

          Three of them would probably mean using fabrics I already have, but I have lots of leftovers from baby quilts and bear blankets past.

  13. eiffeldesigns +3

    I have an Answer due on Tuesday and I cannot be bothered to write it. Lawyers are the worst procrastinators ever.

    1. rkfire +1

      I will join you in the procrastinator’s corner, as I have been putting off some document edits (why?? they are only edits, it’s not like you’re writing anything new) and putting together a professional fellowship application.

    2. SarcasticFringehead +3

      Lawyers are the worst. We (your staff) (I mean, not your staff, I think, but the staff of lawyers in general) get a lot of drinking-session material out of it 🙂

    3. embryoconcepts +2

      As a paralegal currently trapped late at work because of someone else feeling just like this, I’m giving you a very big stink-eye.

  14. TheRisottoRacket +1

    I went to one those weird post The Hangover Bachelorette’s last weekend and I HATED IT. Three days of a bunch of women who were, for the most part, better off than me with no self-awareness. that a small group of us were scrimping to get by the entire weekend. We went to those loud clubs that overcharge for drinks and have $2000 bottle service and waitresses dressed scantily and cage dancers and leering bro’s everywhere. The only saving grace was that it was held in the city I live in, so when the bride-to-be got too drunk and woke me up in the hotel at 5 in the morning the last night there I could just peace out and go home. Anyone been to one of these bacchanalias?

    1. jhsaxena +2

      Uuugh I hate those. Not been, but it sounds like a waking nightmare. The closest I’ve been was going to a bachelorette in Miami, complete with limo rental and sexy penis games and such, and while it was totally fun because it was with a small and close-knit group of women, it sort of felt like we were doing it just because we thought that’s what a bachelorette party was supposed to be? Any other night we’d all be the types to go to dive bars and drink cheap beer and watch football.

      Everyone keeps trying to sell me on Vegas and I don’t get it.

  15. Kerry +14

    I feel like this is the group that will best appreciate the fact that I opened this week’s Economist a few hours ago and was faced with the phrase “intense prodding from John Kerry” wrt Israel/Palestine peace talks.

    I DO NOT WANT TO THINK ABOUT JOHN KERRY’S INTENSE PRODDING IN ANY CONTEXT, TYVM

  16. whizzdumb +8

    I wrote a haiku today. I am sorry if it offends your religious beliefs, it’s just how I feel:

    To believe in Hell
    Hell is only in your head
    Stop, Hell is a hoax

      1. whizzdumb +7

        Please, you’re making me
        blush with your review of my
        well thought out haiku

          1. whizzdumb +7

            My haiku writing
            deserves all the snark ever
            We are cordial

            ^(British pronunciation)

  17. WiscoWhitney +1

    I didn’t look at the Open Thread from last week until Tuesday when the conversations were over. Someone was interested in reading Kelly Link’s Stranger Things Happen. If you see this, or if anyone else is interested, both Stranger Things Happen and Magic for Beginners (with exception of 2 stories in MfB) are licensed under a Creative Commons license and you can download them for free at Small Beer Press. I should really learn to hyperlink but because I’m lazy I’ll give it to you fully: http://smallbeerpress.com/creative-commons/. I found out about this through Kelly Link’s website so I’m pretty sure it’s legit.

      1. WiscoWhitney

        Oh good! I haven’t read Stranger Things Happen yet but I really liked Magic for Beginners.

  18. Janie_S +6

    My week at work has involved toilets flooding, coffee eruptions, and the Magical Disappearing Network Connections.

    Yet, if I were to set the building on fire and dance naked around the flames, they would call ME the criminal.

    Is this fair? I ask you.

    Also I need a drink.

    1. mbculver +2

      I’d pass you my glass of bordeaux through the computer, but technology hasn’t advanced to that blessed stage yet.

      1. Janie_S +1

        Fortunately, I have wine of my own here, so I shall psychically convert one glass into Bordeaux in your honor.

        :toast:

  19. anninyn +3

    I felt so rotten today I had to take a two hour nap and I woke up after it with one of my cats sleeping on my shoulder, her paws on my face.

    This is the same clingy little shit that follows us when we leave the house, and refuses to let us pee alone.

  20. quinnear +24

    Hi Toasties. Way to raise the bar around here over the past several days. Really thoughtfully curated pieces (swoops raised glass over to Nicole & Mallory’s side of the bar) and commentary (swishes it to the Toasties at large). (Doesn’t spill.) (Munches tastefully-toasted slice of pumpernickel.)

    On Tuesday, I had the pleasure of a conversation that constituted the kindest, most self aware breakup of my life. I’m proud of both my ex and myself for taking the time to carefully parse out why the relationship wasn’t working, and then to choose, sensibly, to end it. The sense of empowerment I’ve gained has more or less been trumping the forlornness.

    I think all the Robyn I’m about to download will cover the rest?

  21. missellabell +3

    I just finished my second ever week at work, and on Monday I am the only person in my tiny department, and I am nervous! and I will miss my boss/colleague/lovely friend! But…also, so excited. I think I’m doing okay! And today I got two pairs of shoes from a stranger on the internet, and they are really nice, and one of them are silky Irregular Choice ballet slippers.

    AND! For any of you who remember me asking about my chilli plants- they recovered! And have beautiful chillies on! And my begonia- I fed it coffee grounds, and lots of water- and she perked right up as well. I’m like a proud mother. I keep going over and stroking their leaves. Gardening thread?

    1. quinnear +1

      This was just so much goodstuff. Congratulations on your new job! It sounds like a great start.

      Also, as far as I’m concerned, anyone who can keep a begonia alive is doing pretty much everything right in life.

  22. quinnear +2

    Wait! Two more things. You all are the ones to ask. You just are.

    1. I want to read Joan Didion. Should I start…at the beginning? Fiction? Nonfiction? A mixed-drink of fiction and memoiric Joan? Most importantly, what should I drink WHILE I read Joan??

    2. I’m getting better at Being a Lady (or, can I just say I’m getting better at wearing makeup?), but With Great Skill Comes Great Discernment and Irksome Attention to Detail. This week’s edition: staunching the great bilateral melt (not as good as even the worst tuna melt) where my sunglasses touch my nose. What’s the trick here? More primer? Less sunglass wearing? Less summer in Central Virginia? Okay, clearly the real answer is less summer in Central Virginia. What’s the runner up?

    1. madgehowlet +2

      The only Didion I’ve read is The White Album, but I feel like that’s a pretty strong dose of Didion and will give you a good sense of whether you want more. I liked it, but didn’t feel ike I needed to spend more time with her after that.

      I suspect the proper drink for Didion is something strong and straight-up, but since White Album is so ’70s, you could probably get away with a California chardonnay.

      For the makeup question, I’d say if you want to sustain your makeup throughout the day, pressed powder. But the thought of pressed powder when it’s already a million percent humid out makes me want to die, so for those days, blotting papers, like the tea tree ones from the Body Shop or the blue plasticky ones by Clean & Clear you can get at Target. Or the cheap option, which is just rubbing the bridge of your nose with your fingers when you take off your sunglasses.

      1. karenbowness +3

        this is super late, but starbucks napkins actually make really great blotting papers!

    2. the_lovecats +4

      I read both of her recent sad memoirs and they were both equally sad. I imagine inadvertently drinking one’s own tears as they flow unstoppable is the easy way out.

    3. quinnear +1

      @Madge Howlet, rubbing the bridge of my nose when I take of my sunglasses is actually just my speed. So, @karenb, is appropriating fistfuls of Starbucks napkins.

      Me this week: sweat-blotting Starbucks napkins in one hand, The White Album in the other, a cool, lipstick-kissed chardonnay on my left, sunglasses pushed up over my new, short breakup ‘do, or sometimes rightfully in place over my eyes, to hide the tears, the tears.

      LIKE A DAMN LADY.

      Thanks, all!

  23. noodge4lyfe +2

    ok – this is the perfect group to ask this question…

    I have a 6 year old niece who just had a birthday, and I want to buy her books. We were all pretty early/advanced readers in my family, and it seems like she’s on a similar track. So… what are some good 6 year old advanced reader books? something she’ll love and want her kids to read, and their kids to read, etc? i can’t even remember what I loved at her age – “cloudy with a chance of meatballs” was a big time fave, but was that before 6? ughh…

    1. CatFoodParty +1

      “The Secret Garden” was one of my favorite books when I was younger. I also read “The Witch of Blackbird Pond” about a bazillion times. Are those too advanced? My childhood is blurred so I’m not sure at what age I started reading these books.

      1. jhsaxena +6

        Tread carefully with the Secret Garden…

        A New Coat for Anna was one of my favorites, as was The Little Red Light House and The Great Gray Bridge, but yeah, can’t really remember what I was reading at 6. Such an in-between age.

    2. karenbowness +3

      my 5-year-old niece (and 5-year-old me) loved The Balloon Tree. I particularly like a princess that doesn’t just sit around waiting to get saved. And the art is wonderful. I know 5 is not 6, but I can’t remember much about 6… at 7 I was onto Black Beauty, though.

    3. vep002 +7

      So, I don’t think this book is particularly advanced, but “The Stinky Cheese Man and Other Fairly Stupid Tales” was instrumental in forming my sense of humor. I think I was around six when I was really into it.

    4. emily_white +1

      New picture books I love, because this is a great age for picture books now that she can start to read the wordy ones herself:
      –Crankee Doodle by Tom Angleberger (high reading level, lots of fun)
      –Zephyr Takes Flight by Steve Light (maybe too young? but great)
      –Bon Appetit! by Jessie Hartland (Julia Child biography!)

      Chapter books:
      –the Penny books by Kevin Henkes
      –the Lulu books by Judith Viorst (which adults will also love)
      –the Lulu books by Hilary McKay (different Lulu, cuter books)
      –the Marty McGuire books by Kate Messner (tomboys!)
      –the Pacey books (Year of the Rat, Year of the Dog…) by Grace Lin (these might be too old unless she is WAY above grade level)

      I have also heard great things about The Year of the Book/The Year of the Baby by Andrea Cheng.

    5. noodge4lyfe +3

      guh! you guys are awesome!!! I love my niece, and I love being an aunt, but sometimes the presents thing blows my mind – I totally overthink it because I want her to love my presents more than anyone else’s, obviously. But now that she’s actively reading, I feel like I actually stand a chance of giving her that present-to-beat-all-others.

    7. elsajeni +2

      Maybe Ronia, the Robber’s Daughter by Astrid Lindgren? Certainly advanced for 6 (I mostly find it listed as “ages 8 and up”), but I remember reading it around that age and loved it, plus I re-read it earlier this year and STILL loved it, so.

    8. Firoola +2

      Hmm, most of the books I loved around then (The Secret Garden, Mallory Towers) I’ve since realised are sliiightly problematic. Maybe the Famous Five? I think those are ok?

      OH and it’s never too early for Potter.

    9. lyetteann +2

      Mo Willems has a series (Elephant & Piggie) for young readers, and he has a bunch of other hilarious books too–Don’t Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus, Knuffle Bunny, Goldilocks and the Three Dinosaurs and many more. My 4-year-old daughter and I are working our way through all the ones at the library.

    11. johnwthompson +2

      Do you know what she likes? I was into sci-fi so for me it was probably “A Wrinkle In Time”

    12. EPWordsnatcher +2

      I don’t remember what age I started it at, but I went through two copies of Catherine, Called Birdy by the time I’d finished elementary school and still love it a lot (badass independent ladies!). The Phantom Tollbooth, which she’ll continue to appreciate as her reading skills and general knowledge of the world and appreciation of puns grow and evolve. The Hobbit, which my parents started me on before I could read, because it’s never too early to start them in the fandoms.

      If she’s a really voracious reader, I would maybe wait a couple more years before getting her into Harry Potter? Not because the first few are not appropriate for kids her age (they are! It’s great!) but because she’ll want to continue the series and they get a little dark there starting around book 4. Only my two cents, though!

      Bless you for buying her books, seriously.

    13. thebestjasmine +4

      Betsy Tacy!!! The first four books are all in one volume now (but it’s kind of massive, so you might want to get her four individual volumes), and they are delightful and age very well.

    14. madgehowlet +2

      All the Oz books! I’ve been re-reading them with my 4-year-old, and I remember reading them when I was in kindergarden (I had to get special permission to get them from the first-grade shelf in the library). They’re less problematic in terms of cultural sensitivities than a lot of other stuff from that period–at least the first couple I’ve re-read lately.

    15. TARDIStime +1

      The Magic Far Away Tree (can’t recall any cultural weirdness, but I haven’t read them as an adult -can only remember loving them as a kid and they ARE Enid Blyton, so…). There are a few of them, just like Noddy and Famous Five, etc. I remember liking them around the age of 7 or so. 6 would not be too early for someone advanced.

  24. amativus +4

    I just want to say that the past 2 weeks I have been so goddamn responsible and on top of everything. I’ve been checking off everything on my to-do lists and accomplishing all the things I needed to do, even though a lot of it involved job-hunting, my least favorite activity on EARTH. My new living situation has been so healthy for me. Also I have a phone interview on Monday, and my boss sent me an email saying that while my temporary position is officially ending at the end of August (as we discussed when I came on board), they’d love to keep me on through September if I’d like and maybe consider me for permanent positions.

    Also, Mallory, I will use this space next week to publicly shame you if you’re AWOL on Thursday so there.

    1. vep002 +2

      Good for you! Crossing off a tough to-do list is one of the most satisfying feelings ever.

  25. vep002 +2

    I want to read books by funny people. Any suggestions? I’ll take anything. Really, even if you think something is so obvious that you don’t need to mention it, mention it.

    2. emily_white +3

      –Bossypants (Tina Fey) is the obvious answer. Rachel Dratch and Mindy Kaling also have recent memoirish books that are fine but pale in comparison to Bossypants.
      –David Sedaris (I would start with Me Talk Pretty One Day or Naked)
      –I second Sarah Vowell for sure.
      –Daniel Handler’s The Basic Eight is great for a sardonic, high-school-satire kind of funny. Libba Bray’s Beauty Queens is similarly great if you enjoy ANTM and want a YA book.
      –If you are Canadian, Will & Ian Ferguson’s How To Be Canadian.
      –Haven Kimmel’s A Girl Named Zippy.

      1. vep002 +1

        Great suggestions, thanks! I’ve read both the Tina Fey and Mindy Kaling books, and I was wondering if I should read Rachel Dratch’s. I think I will now. I’m not Canadian, but I may read that book anyway.

        1. emily_white +1

          The Rachel Dratch one is the most memoirish of the three, and takes a strong turn when she realizes she wants to have a baby, but I enjoyed it.

        2. MalloryOrtberg +4

          Everything by P.G. Wodehouse, also The Framley Examiner, also Three Men and a Boat (To Say Nothing of the Dog)

    3. jhsaxena +3

      Definitely John Hodgman’s books!

      Also The McSweeny’s Joke Book of Book Jokes

    4. Quinn_A +2

      Super obvious answers: Let’s Pretend This Never Happened (A Mostly True Memoir) by Jenny Lawson, and Good Omens by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett.

    6. mbculver +1

      This will sound weird, but Alec Guinness wrote 2 autobiographies before he left for the Great Bridge on the River Kwai in the sky, and they are beautifully written and hilarious and self-deprecating.

    7. Firoola +2

      Hugh Laurie’s The Gun Seller is great, very his sense of humour if you’ve seen his British comedy stuff.

      Also I found Northanger Abbey really funny, but also I’m a nerd, so.

    8. amativus +3

      Everything by Bill Bryson is hilarious. I’m pretty sure there’s an interview with him in Dads Magazine, but he’s still hilarious for non-Dads.

      1. selenana +1

        I love BB. He is really good at jokes. Makes me snort. And want to walk the Appalachian Trail.

    9. practical cat +2

      Additional funny lady memoirs (+ I endorse those above especially Kaling if you don’t find her annoying): Samantha Bee’s is marvelous, Kathy Griffin’s Official Book Club Selection was probably my favorite memoir I’ve read in my year-long binge, Carrie Fisher (both Wishful Drinking and Shockaholic). Sloan Crosley is also great.

      Craig Ferguson’s American on Purpose is pretty good too.

  26. clever_animal +8

    Didn’t someone comment about how there should be an Ask An Environmentalist or A Scientist or something? Not a scientist, but I am a communications person for a enviro nonprofit. Also I am a pragmatist cynic, so I’m not gonna be all ‘eat only vegan 100 mile foods’ because fuck that noise.

    Ask me your burning (put out that fire!) questions about science/the environment.

    1. rkfire +1

      Haha! Can I co-pilot on water quality (stormwater, please) or urban planning/land use questions?

      1. deleted2997279 +1

        I will co-co-pilot, even though now I work in land use planning and fire issues!

        (obviously I’m biased but I would love Ask an Urban Planner)

    2. SarcasticFringehead +1

      Ooh, ooh, I just finished a graduate thesis on Seattle’s climate policy for a Master of Environmental Studies degree, so I could totally tag in on this. My philosophy: we’re probably fucked, but if we try really hard we might be slightly less fucked, and also sustainability is only sustainable if it’s accessible to everybody (STFU “green” apartment building in my neighborhood with $2,000 studio apartments, seriously)

      1. clever_animal +4

        Yeah, climate justice is a thing I think about a lot too — the people who are gonna be the most fucked (actually are already the most fucked) by global warming/polluting/etc are usually also the most disenfranchised people. But climate justice means making ‘greenness’ more about regulating corporations and less about personal consumer choices. Which is an uncomfortable, unsexy topic. Everybody loves a luxury enviro-gadget! Nobody loves regulatory policy. 🙁

        1. SarcasticFringehead +3

          Right? It’s so much easier to lecture individual people about what they’re doing wrong, or to get them to feel good about using a reusable bag, than it is to get them interested in, say, regulated labeling for green products. Also, a system based on buying more stuff (buy a green car! Build a green house! Buy bamboo fiber clothes!) is, once again, unsustainable.

    3. gorebooth +1

      OK here’s a question. All the cafes etc. now with zero-waste, all-composting streams, where you put paper towels and corn-based disposal cups and everything into the compost bin. How does this work? We have one at my work, and it’s really mostly paper towels with some tea bags. I can’t imagine this turning into compost in quite the same way as the food-scraps compost in my garden. Is there infrastructure to support whatever weird paper-corn sludge this becomes and turn it into something resembling compost? Has the supply outstripped the demand? What is the deal here?

      1. clever_animal +2

        Great question! Ok so I’m just getting to this now, and I’m tipsy, so there will be lots of exclamation points and rambling on. First: yes that stuff is useful for composting! In an image, here’s why: http://bit.ly/1cfwoVl though this chart applies to backyard not industrial compost. Compost needs a 50/50 ratio of greens to browns for the correct chemical reactions to happen and the right kinds of bacteria to grow. Teabags & coffee grounds: nitrogen rich. Cardboard/paper towels: carbon rich. Put them together in a 50/50 ratio, you have some good compost action. BUT that’s not all that’s happening with this cafe compost.

        So what’s going on with the stuff your cafe throws in to a big bag? It’s either collected by a private composting facility or a municipal facility. Either way, these facilities are gigantic and they take inputs from a wide variety of sources, including restaurants, homes, industrial sources (stuff like wood chips from lumber plants) and possibly even human waste (poop)!! If you’re in Edmonton, it would go here: http://bit.ly/3d0K5U Cooooool.

        Everything gets put through a chipper first, so they can handle stuff like cardboard and bones. The inputs are all measured (with chemistry!) and get mixed together in optimal ratios (more chemistry! If you’re a chemist with no sense of smell, maybe compost is the field for you). It gets watched, tested, turned, etc on a regular basis. And because the composting they do is at such high temperatures it can break down stuff that your home compost can’t handle, like fats. It can sit in a facility for a year or more to ‘mature’ and become fully homogenous and digested, and at that point it looks and smells just like any old dirt. Then it gets sold back to the market as a product! It can go to gardening facilities, organic farms, and even home gardeners. If you live in Vermont, go buy a bag of it here: http://bit.ly/17V8iNt

        And I have to say, due to the rise of organic home gardening and organic produce, for good-quality compost the demand usually waaaaaayyyyy outstrips supply, as far as I have heard. Municipal composting keeps all those useful nutrients in the food cycle, and out of landfills, where the stuff would become contaminated w/ heavy metals and chemicals. And we wouldn’t want it reentering the food cycle if that happened. The reason it isn’t more widespread is that wasting things in a low-effort way is usually preferred over saving/reusing them in a high-effort way. Capitalist efficiency at work! In the future when all the arable land has been stripped of nutrients, maybe we’ll realize that wasn’t so smart.

        In conclusion: compost all your things. Except glossy magazines, those are toxic in the both the emotional and chemical sense.

        Bonus regulatory document that I find fascinating: Environmental Standards for Municipal Solid Waste Compost Facilities in Newfoundland and Labrador: http://bit.ly/1e56wcV

  27. WiscoWhitney +1

    Caitlin Moran fans, she tweeted today that the paywall was down on the London Times website so you can access her columns with out subscribing. Not sure how long it will last so I saved a bunch of them for offline reading.

    1. TARDIStime +1

      Immediately went to the LT website and searched her – the paywall’s back up. 🙁

    3. icebergmama +1

      Aww darlin, I just saw this! send me an email? I can send you some Bergy Bit photos if that’ll help.

  29. Angelan_ +3

    I went to see Pacific Rim and now I have an irrational crush on the entire film because apparently my subconscious is driven by a ten year old boy.

    3. SarcasticFringehead +2

      …is your subconscious a giant robot being driven by a ten year old boy? Because I’m trying really hard, but I can’t see anything at all wrong with that.

  30. sandwichharlot +3

    Awful, awful, awful week and I think the only solution is toast with copious amounts of butter and quince jelly (because I’m not allowed to drink to forget).

    3. topangalives +2

      I don’t drink but when I want to turn off my brain I find passive forms of entertainment super helpful (for me: shotgunning entire seasons of tv shows and listening to lots and lots of music, all kinds of music). YMMV?

  31. madgehowlet +5

    This week I had a very vivid dream about being naked but covered with a large blanket on the Chicago El (probably the Brown Line, but wouldn’t the Red Line make more sense?) and thinking to myself “I’m so often naked on the El.”

    In reality, I’m no longer living in Chicago nor have I ever been naked on the El. I don’t know what to make of this.

  32. Scandyhoovian

    I am acciomjollnir.tumblr.com! I don't really create Tumblr content so much as I pay it forward. I'm a reblogging machine.

  33. karenb

    this is super late, but starbucks napkins actually make really great blotting papers!

  35. Mixed Drinks

    I loved mix drinks so much, they make me feel funny every weekend

    Sometimes my dog steals them and he feels funny