This Week in Bee Attacks -The Toast

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Some things cannot be summarized, only reproduced in their original detail:

A swarm of about 30,000 bees attacked a North Texas couple as they exercised their miniature horses, stinging the animals so many times they died. Kristen Beauregard, 44, was stung about 200 times, and her boyfriend about 50 times, the Fort Worth Star-Telegram reported Saturday. But the horses, Chip and Trump, were so covered in bees they shimmered. Neither could be saved. “They were chasing us down, they were following us,” Beauregard said of the incident Wednesday evening. “We swept up piles and piles of them…it was like a bad movie.”

Let us bear this tragedy in mind and display more compassion and mercy to the bees when it comes to colony collapse disorder than they have been to us and our tiniest horses.

“Let them die,” you say, bearing aloft your eensy pitchforks (so designed as to make the skewering of multiple honeybees at once both easy and convenient.

“But what of the plants?” others among you ask, and very wisely too. “What will we do without plants?”

“Plants will not bring back Chip and Trump,” the pitchforkers contest. “What have plants ever done for us?”

And the others take a moment to consider. Plants have been coasting for generations, they are forced to admit. Plants lack initiative and that certain pep that make putting up with something worthwhile.

“Plants take light and make food of it,” a pitchforker says. “Is that witchcraft?” No answer.

“I own a large horse,” one woman cries out. “Will the bees be fooled by her size, or will they come for her too?”

“Let us make the bees our king,” a nervous-looking man says. “We cannot hope to fight them, not without our horses. Let us gracefully accept the inevitable, and hope that some of us will be spared.”

“That man is clearly bees in disguise,” his neighbor shouts. “He is bees! Fork him!”

“If the bees can kill a small horse,” someone says, “what else can they kill?”

So covered in bees that they shimmered.

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