From the beginning, their clothes, blankets and so on were color-coded, but that was more a function of having triplets than any gender-conforming desires; The Diva’s color was pink, my boy, The Clown, had blue, and my other girl, The Quiet One (aka The Golden Child because she was so placid and patient) had yellow. We were given sets of blankets in these colors, so it just progressed from there. This way it was easier to tell them apart as tiny squishy babies, and is essential at three in the morning when you’re trying to remember who has been changed, who pooped, who has been fed, and who has had their medicine already.
Their colors suited them well at first: The Diva was delicate and pretty, The Clown was the most boyish little boy who ever boyed, and The Quiet One was…well, when they graduated from onesies and we put her in her first dress, she looked like a sheepish football player. A tiny, adorable, squarely-built football player. When her hair grew, it came in mohawk-style, and we agreed that gender-neutral colors were a good choice for her. They have an auntie who is a lesbian with a crew-cut, so we knew if this trend continued that she would have someone to look up to. Oddly enough as time has passed (and more hair has grown) The Diva has lengthened into a lanky, sporty type and The Quiet One is turning into a dimpled, pretty sweetheart.
I felt something of an extra connection to my son in those early days. Of course I loved them all equally, but there was something about him. He had thick, dark hair and darker skin that set him apart from his sisters even more than his gender did, at the beginning. He struggled the most with the hardships that came with prematurity – he came home wired to an apnea monitor to alert us when he forgot to breathe – and there were times I was genuinely afraid we would lose him. Don’t take my son, I begged the universe as I sat by his crib, and half-jokingly added, I only have one boy.
As they grew older and personalities emerged, his sisters crawled before he did, walked before he did, and ran before he did. This is normal – apparently boys are usually a little behind girls – but we joked that he was just secure and complacent; he knew we’d give that toy to him eventually, so there was no need to bother himself about crawling all the way over there to get it. With triplets, it is hard not to worry when one seems to lag behind the others because you have two examples of babies the exact same age that are already doing X or Y – but they all caught up with each other relatively quickly at each milestone.
He was the first to like cars, but then they all love cars. He was the first to pretend-play cars – “driving” a piece of sandwich on his high chair tray and making “brrrm-brrrm” noises. My husband once sheepishly admitted that he would be proud if his son were to be a racing driver, to which I huffily responded that his daughters could be racing drivers too – “Hello, Danica Patrick?”
As toddlerhood approached, they began to be aware of their own bodies and the differences between them. There was a (mercifully brief) period during which, lacking the verbal skills to say “What’s that and why don’t I have one?”, The Clown’s sisters occasionally grabbed his penis in the bathtub and yanked it as hard as they could, presumably to see if it would come off.
I had read somewhere that using the correct, matter-of-fact terms for genitalia helped arm one’s children against sexual predation, so as they learned to talk I was determined to call a penis a penis and a vulva a vulva. No willies or voo-voos in our house, although I have been known to refer to their genitalia collectively as their junk (as in: “you’re not getting out of the bath until you’ve washed your junk.”) We learned “penis” and “vulva” along with “nose” and “elbow.” My husband felt perhaps there had been a little too much emphasis on learning about genitalia the day The Clown poked him square in the crotch and announced “Daddy penis!”
Occasionally the girls will reiterate “[Own Name] vulva. No [Own Name] penis” as they are having their diapers changed. The Clown is also pretty invested in checking to make sure his penis is still there every time his diaper is changed; I understand this is a habit he may not grow out of. And they are not the only ones who have learned things about “down there” along the way; the nurses taught me that the correct way to wipe a vulva clean is from top to bottom, i.e. from clitoris to vaginal opening and beyond, which had me fretting about my own habits; I also learned that very tiny baby boys can (and frequently, disturbingly, do) get erections. It’s totally normal, and I don’t want to make my son ashamed of his body in any way, but also I want to hide my eyes and maybe scream a little, just quietly.
But at about age 2, he began pushing to share the things his sisters had that he didn’t – when they wore sequined headbands, he had to have one. Ribbon hairclips too. The pink car seat is his favorite. And he’s worn pink sneakers, and pink Mary-Janes (as well as the coveted patent-leather teal “fancies” and shiny metallic gold sneakers) to daycare plenty of times.
I’m pretty sure it’s just a matter of wanting to be included and share like they do everything else, but I have to admit, there is a part of my mind that is preparing to deal with the possibility that I may have a non-gender-typical child on my hands.
The first couple of times he wanted to wear pink shoes in public, I was a little bit nervous. We live in a pretty conservative area of the US, and we already get enough attention for having triplets. On top of that, “princess boys” (young boys who sometimes dress like girls) had been getting a fair bit of press recently, and so my mind was going places it didn’t go fifteen years ago when my then-three-year-old nephew wanted to wear nail polish and carry a handbag.
I thought I was going to be the cool mom, the mom who was modern about gender roles, who “just left these condoms lying around and if they disappear, oh well”, who maybe let them drink a little booze just quietly so it wouldn’t seem like something cool and rebellious when their friends wanted to drink boxed wine in the park. And I definitely thought I was going to be the feminist mom who taught them that boys and girls can be different, but don’t have to be one way or another because they are boys or girls, or whatever gender they happen to be.
I was a tomboy myself before puberty hit, to the extent that my father claims my kindergarten classmates occasionally used male pronouns to describe me, despite my name being unmistakably a girl’s name. I never thought or wished I was a boy – I just hated skirts and dresses, and preferred the boys’ toys. I have no problem with my girls doing “boy things” or wearing jeans or shorts.
So the vehemence with which I reacted to my son wanting to wear “girl’s” clothes really surprised me. He wore pink shoes a few times, and it became pretty much a non-issue once I realized that I would rather have a happy son wearing pink shoes than a tearful or screaming son trying to claw off a pair of blue shoes. Even hairclips or little, scraped-together ponytails didn’t faze me that much. But then he raised the stakes – his sisters were wearing pink dresses and damn it, he would not be excluded from this adorable outfit-matching. Ultimately, our children’s happiness has to be our main concern, but it made me feel weird somewhere deep in my stomach. I only have one boy! I wanted at least one kid who wore boy’s clothes (I mean, I love pink, but everyone has their limits.)
We convinced him to tuck the pink dress into his shorts to go to the grocery store. At home, inside our house he can wear whatever he wants – dresses, mama’s scarves and heels, whatever he wants. In public it’s a little different – I didn’t want to have to deal with judgmental strangers, or having to say, “No, we have a boy and two girls.” Maybe it’s lazy – putting my convenience ahead of my child’s exploration of his gender identity – but honestly, having triplet toddlers takes pretty much superhuman effort just to get through everything that has to be done every day (and occasionally in the middle of the night) without dealing with anything more than “Oh, my God, are those triplets?!” and “You must have your hands full!” from the general public.
And I hope you won’t judge me too harshly for saying on another occasion “Mama isn’t ready for you to wear a dress to daycare, honey,” because I didn’t know how the other kids would react, or how the teachers would treat him when I wasn’t there to explain that he just likes wearing the same things his sisters wear, and keep it from becoming a Thing.
At this point, he’s been wearing girl’s shoes and accessories on and off for about six months. It’s just something that he does, just a part of his adorable quirkiness like his happy dance (and his angry dance), or how he crumples to the floor sobbing when told he has to stop hitting his sister, or that he can’t have jellybeans for breakfast. It’s become so ordinary I was actually surprised when the daycare teacher made a comment about his ribbon hairclips and ponytails the other day.
I said, “Oh, he just wanted to look pretty today!” and sort of left it at that. He doesn’t have the verbal ability to explain for himself yet, but I’d like to think that as he grows up, if he wants to continue doing and wearing things that don’t match expectations, that I will grow more and more blasé about it.
Maybe I can convince one of the girls to start wearing boys’ clothes, so we can keep getting all of the cute outfits – not just the pink ones.
Tags: a mom of triplets, family, feminism, gender, parenting, sex, toddlers
I liked this a whole heck of a lot.
It sounds like you are dealing with a child-raising-situation that many parents wouldn’t know how to handle (or many would just REJECT and freak out entirely), pretty well. And whether this is a phase he grows out of eventually, or whether you turn out to have a non-gender-conforming Clown, I bet you will still be a good mom!
1. You are great
2. This thing about baby boys having erections, and that being unnerving, I have observed but never felt, so it is interesting to me. Someone told me this happens before I had my son, and it seemed like not a big deal. Then when my son was about 5 months old I was with his college girl baby sitter and a male friend with a son three months older, and remarked that my child had had his first morning wood. She was appalled. He was, I swear, kind of envious.
The good thing about the baby wood is that it is sometimes a pee warning.
Right now I just prefer that the baby not grab his wee dickie when it’s covered in poop.
The boners and the peeing on people who are changing their diapers make me nervous about raising a boy. My nephew peed on everyone and turned “peepee teepees” into pee-powered rockets. :/
It’s really not that bad and hasn’t happened to me THAT much. Still a lot better than the brain-melting cry-sceam. The most annoying time was when I was carrying him to the bathtub and he peed on me (my husband wasn’t home) so I stood there trying to figure out what to do with a pee covered baby while I was also covered in pee. I ended up sticking him the bathtub with me while I took a shower which was kind of weirdly fun. I’m a creep.
These were recommended to me by a parent when he found out we’re expecting: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B0044DEESS/
And they are amazing. They’re earplugs that “reduce most noise to safe levels while preserving the clarity of speech and the richness of music; sound is reproduced unchanged, exactly the same as the ear would hear it, only quieter. It reduces sound levels evenly across the frequency range without changing the sound quality.”
Basically they allow you to hear that the baby is screaming, but they take the ear-piercing edge off. I think I’m going to buy these for every pregnant person I ever meet.
My older daughter peed on her pediatrician. More precisely, it arced up and went directly into his shirt pocket. It was a laugh riot for all concerned. I don’t recall her precise age, probably about 2 months old.
True fact: my baby dude isn’t circumcised, and he had NO distance when peeing mid-change. My little brother, on the other hand, was, and once peed ACROSS THE BATHROOM AND HIT ME IN THE FACE. I was six and it still haunts me. In discussion with other uncut mamas, I think the foreskin is a hidden blessing for the world.
I feel like the fact that infant boys get erections should be on page one of What to Expect, in gigantic letters. That shit should not be a surprise.
My parents always let us play with what ever toys we wanted. My little brother in I were really into creating elaborate stories of like, villages of inanimate objects, which ranged from barbies, to beanie babies, to hot wheels. He often got barbies for Christmas. (I was so jealous the year he got Nibbles!) My parents rationalized it as “He just wants to be like his big sister!” And then in middle school he came out as gay. I think the biggest thing is to just keep an open mind about who your children may be and what they will like and make sure they know it is OK to be either. A boy may want to emulate their sisters, or a boy may want to dress like girls typically for his whole life.
Anyways, not sure what the point of my anecdote was, but this seems intimidating to balance. Thanks for sharing.
Yep yep. I can share the opposite story: my little brother once had a meltdown because my grandmother wouldn’t let him wear tights and a headband to church on christmas (he wanted to dress like me!), and when we were the ring bearer/flower girl in our aunt’s wedding (i was 6, he was 3), he wouldn’t walk down the aisle until he was given a necklace like mine. Now he’s 21 and, so far, very straight and extremely boy-ish. I give my parents major props for letting him wear a bikini at the pool when he wanted to, and just letting him figure his own stuff out.
This is really great–thank you for sharing.
I think partially it’s just that the Clown wants to do what people he loves do– my toddler dude has been begging for nail polish, so I finally caved and got him some Wet and Wild, so now he shows everyone (EVERYONE) his green and pink toes. My hat is eternally off to you for surviving and raising triplets without resorting to crate-training and day-drinking.
I’m just saying, crate training sounds like a genius idea.
My sis was totally a tomboy as a kid – loved cars, wanted to do full-contact everything, etc., but also was totally obsessed with this red frilly dress my grandmother gave her. So, who knows – I feel like, with kids, pretty much anything goes as they construct their identities.
I am the tiniest bit sad we have not seen pictures of your little dude in nail polish on various social media platforms, but I can also totally understand why not. Still, good for him and good for you. 🙂
I honestly just hadn’t thought about it, he’s moving constantly when he’s up and I don’t want to disturbe His Majesty’s naps. But for you, I deliver!
Thanks for writing this! I don’t have any kids and don’t know that much about kids, but I am pretty sure that your family is amazing and you are a really great mom.
I love this iceberg! You are a fantastic mom.
When I was a nanny I looked after a 4 year old boy and his 2 year old sister. The little boy wanted to wear his sister’s tutus when they dressed up and wanted me to share my glittery lotion and lip gloss with him too, so I did. I’m not sure how his parents handled that when they were home, but I didn’t see the harm.
My brothers also played with barbies when my sister and I did and let us put dresses and lipstick on them sometimes, and neither of them are gay or identify as an alternative gender. Kids!
I think that a lot of the time kids just don’t want to be left out, and if a boy has a sister, that means he will do some of the stereo-typically “girly” things.
I suspect that the desire to not feel left out is probably even stronger since he has two sisters to boot! Or maybe he just likes it. Whatevs!
Yeah, I strongly feel this is the driving force – he doesn’t want to be the odd one out. Toddler FOMO!
I distinctly remember putting dresses on my brother. We’re 18 months apart so we got a lot of gender-neutral things and shared everything else anyway. Siblings just manage!
Iceberg, you are hella awesome and an inspiration. I am positive your kids are going to turn out great no matter what.
Iceberg maaamaaa I love you. The main thing about this piece is that OH MY DAYS, Triplets! The fact that they are all still alive is so impressive that the rest is just gravy! My brother had a gorgeous pink tutu that he wore continuously, and he remains a complete dandy in many ways; my style icons were all boys and still mostly are – those are just the aesthetics we seem to dig.
Thanks for writing this, Bergie! It’s so thoughtful.
On a completely different note: aaaaah look at those tiny little legs and feet!
Tiny feets!
Thanks love! Aren’t they cute lil feets 😉
I do think a lot of little boys like things that are pretty, before society beats it out of them, and don’t think it has anything to do with gender or sexuality, a lot of the time.
Although I do wonder about a little boy I knew who was totally butch in his ordinary presentation and play with other kids, but always jumped at the opportunity to play dress-up with a gown, and was Storm for Halloween. Maybe he just outgrew it, maybe he crossdresses to this day. I have no idea!
“I do think a lot of little boys like things that are pretty, ” AGREED!
I babysat for a little boy who was soooo jealous of his sister’s clothes because they were more colorful, more shiny/glittery and just more fun. Makes sense to wantlime green and bright purple instead of drab camo and navy all the time!
This is very true! We try to get him bright colors – there’s NO pink boy’s clothes, and most of it is navy or khaki. He does have a purple t-shirt with a skateboarding bulldog on it and an orange one with a cheeseburger man driving a car, those are amongst his favorites.
Eeeee! Ah, thanks you guys!!! I’m so happy to have posted this here because everyone is so lovely!
Thanks for writing this! You are awesome for sharing your life with us. Hug the BBs for all of us please.
Having endured two toddlers at a six year interval, my hat is off to you with three. I used to feel guilty about being overjoyed to go to work and rest among the grownups for a day. My son and daughter both played with dolls and trucks, but my son never was into dress up. However, the majority of his adult friends are women, and he has awesome fashion sense. My takeaway is the EVERY man should be brought up with sisters
You know how much I love and admire you already, Bergie, so there is nothing to say here except “keep it up.” Some day, I hope, everyone will be as completely blase about boys wearing sparkly accessories as they are about boys having tantrums because they can’t have jelly beans for breakfast.
Iceberg! I’m so happy to see you writing here again! I love that you highlighted the “What I thought I’d do as a parent” vs. “What I actually do as a parent” thing, because I know it’s really easy as a not-yet-a-parent person to just sit there and think, “When I’m a parent, I’m going to X,” and reminders that it doesn’t always turn out that way is grounding.
“When I’m a parent, I’m only going to let him watch Sesame Street once he turns two” actually meant (for me) “Jesus God, why the hell are you up at FIVE FORTY FIVE IN THE GOTDAMN MORNING HERE WATCH YO GABBA GABBA UNTIL YOUR EYES FALL OUT”. Stupid entertaining celebrity guests, stupid catchy songs, stupid vaguely drug-use-induced animation.
“HERE WATCH YO GABBA GABBA UNTIL YOUR EYES FALL OUT”
hahahahahaha
For real. Thank you!!!!
You are doing so great! I hope I can be as good at all this with my one baby as you seem to be with three.
Oh laws, no doubt you’ll be much better. Don’t shake the baby or throw it out a window, and try to bathe it sometimes, and you’ll be fine 😉
There is just so much awesomeness in this that I am overwhelmed. OVER. WHELMED. I aspire to be as awesome a mom as you.
This was so great, thank you for sharing it. Three! You are ridiculous, in the best possible way.
Icebergie! I haven’t been on much lately but I just happened to scroll down the first page to see what was up, and look what I find! 🙂 This was great, and I think you’re handling the situation splendidly.
It might be that he just wants to do what his sisters are doing so he doesn’t feel like the odd man out. My niece and nephew naturally fit into their socially-approved gender roles, but sometimes my nephew wants to do what his big sister is doing. He loves playing with his cars, but if his sister is playing in her dollhouse sometimes he insists on joining her.
And you know…everyone loves sparkly things! It’s a shame that so many boys and men are conditioned against it.
How is a baby like a raven?
(Sparklies, etc.)
Thanks darl! Yes, everyone needs glitter.
“Mama isn’t ready for you to wear a dress to daycare, honey,”
He may not understand the fullness of that sentence yet, but what a great way to put it. You rock.
And also, being a mom to triplets? Wow. I nannied for twin toddlers (both girls, but they had cars and baby dolls and nothing barbie…. we had dance parties while waiting for their moms to come home…. it is fascinating to watch children’s dances evolve) and can’t imagine the strength you’d need for three. Again, you rock.
Thanks you guys! I’m actually a completely terrible mother, but I like to think I have my moments. Everyone is so kind and I really appreciate it.
Thanks for this! It’s striking how much of a continuum this gender expression stuff is, rather than a this-or-that setup. My boy (4 now) has long loved pretty things, and has had to defend his nail polish at school. I’m super excited that he’s made the turn from Thomas trains to My Little Pony (he’s a tiny brony!) because I, personally, like the ponies better and am really damn tired of Thomas’s chirpy little voice. But then! when he said he wanted to be Pinky Pie for Halloween, I immediately started worrying about how dressing my son as a sparkly pink pony would go. (And it’s clearly a matter of how uncomfortable I am with the sparkly and pink, because last year he was the best Jessie the cowgirl from Toy Story last year and I loved it.)
Mostly it winds up being, like you said, whatever he’s doing that day and not A Thing.
I just bought the BBs purple shimmery nail polish today! Am planning to try it out tomorrow if they’ll sit still long enough to get it on.
My (younger by almost 3 years) brother is now a Marine, a GI Joe of a man, and one of the most stereotypical straight and cis-gendered dudes I know — and when we were tiny and sharing a room, he dressed up in my ballet outfits and broke into my caboodle to smear Barbie-brand makeup on his face CONSTANTLY. Will I use photos of this time during my speech at his wedding? Absolutely. Did it mean anything except he loved me (and wanted all my toys to be his)? Nope. You are doing awesome. I am agog.
he loved me (and wanted all my toys to be his) – Yup, you hit the nail on the head!
Bergie you da best!!! My younger brother wore tutus with me all the damn time & those pictures of us as bbs are my fave.
heehee <3 it!