Dirtbag Winston Churchill

This Classic Toast Post originally ran on Apr 14, 2015.

WHERE ARE MY JAMMIES
sir they’re right where you left them
NOT THOSE
THOSE ARE MY CIGAR JAMMIES
I WANT MY WHISKEY JAMMIES
I ONLY WEAR THE CIGAR JAMMIES WHEN I’M SMOKING CIGARS
here they are, sir
ARE YOU BLIND
THOSE ARE MY UNDERSECRETARY JAMMIES
I HAVEN’T WORN THOSE SINCE THE BOER WAR
what about these, sir
THOSE ARE MY TRANSVAAL JAMMIES
DO I LOOK LIKE I AM SITTING ON THE VELDT
BRING ME MY AFTER-DINNER JAMMIES AT ONCE OR I WILL HAVE YOU MAILED TO ANTWERP AND PROMPTLY SHOT

HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THIS HITLER FELLOW
yes, sir
THINKS GERMANY OUGHT TO OWN EVERYTHING
he does at that, sir
RIDICULOUS
quite right
ENGLAND SHOULD OWN EVERYTHING

WE SHALL FIGHT ON THE BEACHES
right, sir
LATER WE SHALL RETURN TO THE BEACHES IN BATHING COSTUMES AND HAVE A LITTLE SWIM
very good, sir
BRING ME MY BATHING JAMMIES JUST IN CASE

WHERE IS ROOSEVELT
the President is on his way, sir
I’VE BUILT A LITTLE FORT UNDER THIS DESK
I can see that, sir
INGENIOUS LITTLE BIT OF CUNNING, ISN’T IT
looks just like a real fort
MODELED IT AFTER THE JOB I HAD WITH THE QUEEN’S FOURTH IN THE NORTH WEST TERRITORIES
Stalin is also on his way in, sir
shall I send him in as well
YOU BLOODY WELL SHAN’T
THIS IS A SPECIAL FORT
yes, sir
IT’S ONLY FOR ME AND AMERICAN PRESIDENTS
good, sir
HE HAS A MUSTACHE YOU KNOW
who, sir?
STALIN
NEVER TRUST A MAN WITH A MUSTACHE
TRYING TO HIDE SOMETHING FROM HIS NOSE, EH
NOT LIKE ME AND FRANKIE
TELL HIM TO HURRY UP, I WANT TO RECREATE THE SIEGE OF MALAKAND

ARE WE IN BERLIN YET
no, sir
WELL WHO’S IN BERLIN THEN
still Hitler and his allies, sir
DAMNIT, LAD
I DON’T LIKE YOUR TONE
DEFEATIST, TO SAY WE’RE NOT IN BERLIN YET
GET ME BERLIN OR I SHALL STRAP YOU TO THE FRONT OF AN M4 SHERMAN AND DRIVE YOU THROUGH THE RHINELAND TO GET IT MYSELF

BENSON WHAT YEAR IS IT
it’s —
NEVER MIND THAT NOW
HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN SINCE I WAS PRIME MINISTER
about six years, sir
RIDICULOUS
THINK I’LL BE PRIME MINISTER AGAIN
well, you’ll have to run agains —
RUN
HAVEN’T RUN SINCE I WAS IN THE FOURTH HUSSARS
I’LL BE UNDER THE DESK IN THE CABINET ROOM IF ANYONE MEETS ME
WHO’S THE AMERICAN PRESIDENT NOW?
EISENHOWER?
PHONE HIM AND ASK IF HE’D LIKE TO REENACT THE BATTLE OF MAIWAND