“More saving. More doing. That’s the power of the Home Depot.” You disgusting sheep. You cannot possibly begin to imagine the Home Depot’s true power. You swarm in when the doors open, and you swarm out when the doors close, and you buy whatever the men in the orange aprons tell you to buy, and you stand in line, and you drive away with your twine and your pressed boards and your Miracle-Gro, which performs no miracles at all, and you think you know what our power is.

We laugh at you, when you leave. We close the doors and we turn off the lights and we laugh and laugh and laugh.

Did you ever even stop to wonder why we sell all of those tiki torches? Did you take a single moment to ask a coherent question about why a company whose ostensible purpose is to provide DIY enthusiasts with basic home improvement supplies sells tiki torches? Of course you did not. Besting you has been shamefully easy. We take no pride in it. It was like overwhelming a sleeping child.

This is an awfully wide aisle you’re walking down, isn’t it? Funny. Was it always this empty?

The front doors are closed. They don’t open manually, either. It’s dark outside, and the parking lot looks empty. Was it dark outside when you came in here? When did you come in here? Were you alone? You’re alone now, so you must have come in alone.

Try turning the corner. Kitchen appliances. Weren’t you here before? Weren’t the kitchen appliances in aisle seven a few minutes ago? It’s difficult to remember, isn’t it?

It’s difficult to listen for human voices over the sound of the power saw. There could be a hundred different conversations going on, just a few feet away. Or there could be none. You could be alone, or you could be surrounded, and you would never know the difference. That’s part of the power of the Home Depot. It is barely the beginning, but it is part of the Home Depot nonetheless. Learning that you cannot fully realize the power of the Home Depot is the beginning of understanding.

You will see a washing machine in thirteen seconds. Don’t bother looking for it, or turning around. Seeing it will not be optional. There is nothing you have to do but wait. (That’s the power of the Home Depot.) It’s a bit large for a washing machine, isn’t it? Has it always been that size, or is it changing? How large are washing machines, normally? Go ahead. Try to remember.

While you’re waiting, why don’t you go ahead and open the door? It’s a front-loading machine. Is that power saw getting louder, or is it getting further away? It can’t be doing both. Can it?

It’s awfully dark in there. Dark, but not empty. What do you think is inside? You have so much still to learn about the power of the Home Depot. Why not take a look? Saw’s getting awfully loud now. Better step inside.