It’s time for the first, and possibly only, installment of Lazy, Gender-Neutral Beauty Advice. Options presented below in reverse order of effectiveness but chronological order with regard to frequency.

Gently–very gently–bat wet eyelashes in the shower over your extended forefingers repeatedly until enough mascara has Shroud of Turin’d itself onto your knuckles to merit handwashing.

Pinch pre-wettened thumb and forefinger against the eyelid, slowly and carefully pushing as much of the mascara as possible off of your eyelashes.

Wait for the majority of your makeup to migrate to the undereye area, then periodically and vigorously swipe at it with your thumbs.

Shower normally, but without actually washing your face, then paw at your eyes with a bath towel, slowly ruining your towels.

Use a baby wipe to meticulously wipe all eye makeup off and away from the eyes.

Shower normally, counting the shampoo runoff that made it past your hairline and down to your chin as washing your face, then paw at your eyes with a wad of dry toilet paper, slowly using up all of your toilet paper.

Use a baby wipe to carelessly smudge the majority of your eye makeup to your temples, then paw at your temples with the back of your hand.

Pinch dry thumb- and forefinger-nails against the eyelid, somewhat carefully scraping as many dried clumps of the mascara as possible off of your eyelashes.

Apply eye makeup remover to eyes; wash face normally.