Hi, Three Dog Night. How’s it going? Want some — no, sorry. Sorry. I forgot. Look, I’ve heard you’ve been talking a lot lately about the party last Saturday and I’m really sorry to hear that you didn’t have a good time. I really am. I just wish you’d come to me about it, okay? I mean…I don’t want to tell you how to define your own experience, but it feels like some of your expectations were a little unreasonable. You know?
Want some whiskey in your water?
Sugar in your tea?
What’s all these crazy questions they’re askin’ me?
It’s a perfectly harmless question. You come to a party at my house, I offer you a drink. You didn’t want a cocktail, so I made you some tea. I just didn’t know if you took sugar in it or not. Some people take sugar, some people take milk and sugar, some people like lemon…it’s a party, you know? This is ridiculous. I shouldn’t have to defend this. I was just offering you a drink. You don’t have to have anything if you don’t want to.
This is the craziest party that could ever be
Don’t turn on the lights ’cause I don’t wanna see
I — I’m really sorry, but that was an unreasonable request, and I can’t apologize for refusing to accommodate you. People needed to see. Charlie was in the bathroom when you did that. He was really freaked out. It was a little weird that you turned them off to begin with.
Open up the window, let some air into this room
I think I’m almost chokin’ from the smell of stale perfume
And that cigarette you’re smokin’ ’bout to scare me half to death
Open up the window, sucker, let me catch my breath
You can open a window. That’s fine. That’s fine. I’ll tell Tonya to smoke outside. I can’t — I don’t know what to tell you about the perfume. I don’t know what makes perfume stale, and I’m not going to go around asking everyone if they’re wearing any. Open the window if you want to; it’s fine.
Mama told me not to come
Mama told me not to come
That ain’t the way to have fun, son
That ain’t the way to have fun
So don’t come. Just don’t come. Don’t come to my party and start sniffing all the girls and loudly accusing them of wearing old perfume. That’s fucking rude. Don’t scream at me to stop “asking those crazy questions” when I offer you a cup of tea. And don’t let your girlfriend throw up all over my brand-new floor rug. (She could have at least offered to have it cleaned.) Stay home, with your mom.
The radio is blastin’, someone’s knockin’ at the door
I’m lookin’ at my girlfriend – she’s passed out on the floor
I seen so many things I ain’t never seen before
Don’t know what it is – I don’t wanna see no more
Okay, look, Three Dog, I’m trying really hard to be reasonable, but you know what? Fucking yeah the radio is blasting, BECAUSE THIS IS A PARTY THAT WE ARE HAVING. It’s a party, and there is music. And that was Sophia at the door. She was knocking so someone would let her in. That’s how homes work, Three Dog. You have a door and people knock at it when they want to come inside and then someone opens it. She was just a little late and you started screaming and screaming instead of letting her in. It was really weird.
I’m sorry about your girlfriend. I really am. But honestly, man? You guys showed up at eleven-thirty and she was already gone. I can’t remember the last time I’ve seen someone that drunk. Maybe college? That’s why I offered you tea — sorry, asked you a bunch of CRAZY QUESTIONS about tea. Then you knocked the cigarette out of Tonya’s hand and started screaming about how bad this party was and turned all the lights off. So I really feel like the responsible thing for you to have done would be to take her home.
I’m worried that your girlfriend has a drinking problem. We’re all worried. I’m having another party next week, and frankly, I — we — think it would be best if you didn’t attend.
Maybe another time, Three Dog. Thanks for listening.
Tags: awesome rad parties, awful parties, music, parties, reading way too much into song lyrics, three dog night
What IS the way to have fun, singers mother? What IS the way to have fun?
(Wasn’t this first written in 1966? Which might explain the overreaction to completely normal party behaviour. For a ‘nice’ boy in 1966 a really loud party with smoking and too much alcohol would be pretty wild, I guess)
I was under the impression that the kind of “party” Three Dog Night was attending was the kind of “party” that Pete Campbell takes clients to in the last two seasons of Mad Men. Like, the girl passed out on the floor isn’t really his girlfriend, if you know what I mean.
Like, I suspect the ‘cigarette’ isn’t tobacco, y’know? And the sugar is probably LSD.
This is a Randy Newman song, so presumably the joke is at the squeamish narrator’s expense.
They’re also a total dick to Jeremiah. Mooching on some frog’s booze does not a good friend make.
I’m pretty sure Randy Newman actually wrote this song. So, you know, take that for whatever it’s worth.
But it’s so much funnier to talk to someone named Three Dog, like it’s his first name, and Night is his last name!
There was a DJ named Three Dog in the game Fallout 3. He was awesome.
Sooo much better than Mr. New Vegas. Oww Owwwwwwwwwoooooo!
Ugh, Mr. New Vegas was such a creep.
Three Dog 4 eva. Because one dog ain’t enough and two is too low.
as we can see, you are so happy people
Who are the boys in that picture, and how can I become their friend?? They are adorable and look like fun!
They are one of the earliest results for “party” on Wikimedia Commons.
Yeah they are!
So much fun! Have a great time!
Theory: Three Dog Night suffers from an undiagnosed chemical sensitivity.
Theory: This song is actually Three Dog Night reporting on the party to Mama the next morning. Three Dog Night actually had a great time, but the version told to Mama is all “Oooh, it was horrible and full of bad kids being bad and I hated it and I left real early and I should have listened to you” in order to avoid getting in trouble.
right after dudevolleyball took his GREs (for those of you not contemplating academia, you’re tested on a computer that displays your score as soon as you finish), he saw that he’d done well enough to get into grad school, & for some reason the song that popped into his head during this moment of triumph was the chorus of “Mama Told Me (Not to Come)”–a song he was only vaguely aware of at the time.
since then, we’ve put it on as an “ironic” response to good news so often that I actually associate it with a feeling of optimism & well being.
(weirdly enough, I feel equally enthusiastic about “Joy to the World” & “Shambala,” which are also by Three Dog Night, even if I’m pretty much indifferent to them in general & actively hate “Black & White” & “An Old Fashioned Love Song.”
…& now I fear I may’ve revealed myself as someone with excessive knowledge of Three Dog Night.)
I’m pretty sure Randy Newman actually wrote this song. So, you know, take that for whatever it’s worth.
Three Dog Night suffers from an undiagnosed chemical sensitivity.