Previously: The Office is Not Too Cold.
June 4th
Your first day of work. She does not make eye contact with you once while she leads you through the fourth-floor layout (“Here’s the copy room. That’s the copier. Let me know if you need help using the copier. Okay, let’s head to the mail room. You can’t send personal mail in the mail room. Sometimes people used to use it to send back their Netflix DVDs, but nobody really does that anymore.” She never says anything while you’re in the hallways going from room to room, just walks in silence until her monologue starts up again).
Later that afternoon, a Gchat from someone you don’t know appears on your screen. You don’t notice it for several minutes, since you’ve carefully minimized your personal email, at least until you can figure out just how overt you’re allowed to be about things like that here. Her chat handle in no way resembles her real name, so it takes you a minute to place her. The two of you trade video links and talk excitedly about Parks & Rec for the rest of the afternoon. She gives you her phone number “just in case you ever need to get a hold of me after work or on the weekends. I’m usually around.”
That evening, you receive a friend request from her. You accept it.
August 17th
The two of you spend at least an hour talking about how hungry you are and sending each other pictures of sandwiches you found on Tumblr.
At 11:43, she fails to respond to your chat “hey do you want to get lunch in a few.”
At 12:29, you see her with a group of people your own age who work in the same department outside of a popular deli down the street from the office. They all have sandwiches. You politely say “hi” as you make your way into the deli, where you order alone. You eat your sandwich in your car.
October 23rd
“What are you doing for Halloween???” she asks as soon as you log in that morning.
November 1st
She has uploaded a photo album to Facebook titled “Halloween Craziness.” At least seven of your coworkers are tagged in it. You are not. You had a perfectly pleasant Halloween night — you went to a party, too, with real friends, not just office friends — but find yourself irritated nonetheless.
December 12th
She offers you a ride to the office Christmas party, then changes her status to Away when you respond. When you walk over to her desk. she has already left.
March 3rd
She keeps you laughing all through a three-hour sales meeting by sending you Gchats about unhappy cats, then says during lunch “Guys, I know these meetings can be really hard to get through, but we’ve been getting some complaints from the Ohio office that there’s a lot of talking and laughing going on in the background of these conference calls, and that’s really inappropriate.”
April 28th
You look through your Gchat logs to find her phone number, then text her just after 5:30 to confirm that you’ll be carpooling to a company dinner together later that week. “Who is this,” she texts back. After you tell her your name, she never responds. You do carpool together, but you never try to text her again.
Several weeks after you leave the company
She has unfriended you on Facebook, but periodically forwards you links about Google-news-alert-generated articles about your former employer, and always wishes you a happy birthday on Gchat. You never see her in person again.
Tags: chat, coworkers, do you like me or not, office, relationships
Mallory, is this loosely based on reality? Because I got an identical speech when I was hired at C******, and I can’t help but picture that place when I read this.
-Former co-worker
Don’t be ridiculous. Our meetings with the Ohio office were never as short as 3 hours.
True, true. If she had written, “unnecessary day long meetings with the Ohio office, in which your presence is not at all required” it would felt more real.
This is Ryan, by the way, no longer at said company, thankfully.
Hey, Ryan! This is Linda. Also thankfully no longer there! I do miss that deli down the street, though.
Hi Linda! I think I managed to escape that sinking ship shortly after you did.
Why are people so weird? And also, it is uniquely (though, I admit, not devastatingly) painful to see coworkers out at lunch together without you, especially, say, when there are two of them and you’re work-friends with them both.
This happens to me all the time. And like, on the one hand, they asked me once or twice when I first started, and I would probably say no anyway because I’m cheap and I bring my lunch, but it would be nice to be asked. The best/worst, though, was when my friend, who was my friend before she started working here, complained to me about coworkers not inviting her to things, and then literally the next day went out with a group of our (mutual) work friends and did not invite me.
Boooooo.
I should say she’s generally very sweet, but a little oblivious about social etiquette in those kinds of situations, so it hurt my feewings less than if she was the kind of person who would do it on purpose.
Holy ….!!! That is just AWFUL. 🙁
Thank god I work with a bunch of recluses like me and these things don’t really happen. God, people are strange.
Completely off the topic, but where is there a good place to say this?: Mallory, your hair is really really pretty!
Wasn’t there a version of this before, or somewhere else? Or at least the seeing-your-coworkers-out-for-lunch concept? Was it x different types of coworkers? Help! I feel insane!
I am sure I am not the first person in the world to notice that some people are weirdly friendlier online than at their desks, but beyond that I fear I cannot help you!
Earlier this year Nicole did a list of “Office Personas of Note” at the ‘pin. I didn’t see a mention of this particular persona, but there were a lot of comments so maybe in there somewhere?
Why do people do this? I don’t mind if you only want to be work-cordial with me, that’s fine! You don’t need to act like you’re interested in an actual friendship with me to get me to gbe pleasant and engaging with you in the office! And because I am paranoid, if this is done I assume that you were interested in being a friend but I put you off because I am insufferable.
At least for me, I don’t have/enjoy a lot of in-person friends and I act weird/anxiety-ish adding folks to my physical friend group. But I’m supes comfortable chatting with folks online. Worse, I like my Gchat work friends loads more than the people I will occasionally lunch with (people who invite me and to whom I feel incapable of saying no, because anxiety!), but there’s no way to convince them of this!
Oh my gosh I think I am this girl. I am so sorry. I don’t know how not to be more genial on the internet than in person.
You and me both. I worry that I am much more interesting and funny online than I am in person.
I don’t know, I’ve been this girl who’s better online than in real life, and unlike my experience, there is definitely a passive aggressive element to this. I mean, would you really not go to lunch with a Gchat friend if they asked but go instead with other co-workers? Wouldn’t you at least apologize after on Gchat?
Also, would you really have a party and invite most of your co-workers except her? That was my favorite bit, because OF COURSE you spent it with real friends and she only has work friends, but not getting an invite means she’s resentful that you would have other friends other than work friends to hang out with!
Also, there’s a special kind of hell for sending funny cat pictures at work and then admonishing a group for laughing. For shame.
I appreciate your charity in assuming I would do these nice things. I mean, I would, but it’s nice that you gave me the benefit of the doubt. In general I don’t actually fraternize with any co-workers because they do things like make fun of the mentally ill and demand that I explain why a “gangsta” Hallowe’en costume is racist. But if they wanna hit up Chipotle, obviously I am not going to say no.
ah this makes me feel much better about sometimes being this girl. i always have high ideals for a thriving at-work social life, which leads to the online friendliness, but then when it comes to real life being at work i am socially awkward and also get stressed and often just want to eat in my office alone. sorry normal people!
Earlier this year Nicole did a list of "Office Personas of Note" at the 'pin. I didn't see a mention of this particular persona, but there were a lot of comments so maybe in there somewhere?
Okay what about the opposite — people who are sweet and ebullient and sincere face-to-face, and utterly snippy and rude when emailing or chatting or texting? They’re so confusing!! But somehow better, I think.
Okay what about the opposite — people who are sweet and ebullient and sincere face-to-face, and utterly snippy and rude when emailing or chatting or texting? They're so confusing!! But somehow better, I think.