1. Today is a day to say “Happy Thanksgiving” to Canadians.
2. Do not call it “Canadian Thanksgiving.”
3. I cannot stress that strongly enough.
4. Canada has never engaged in any bad colonialism-related behavior of any kind, all Canadians have always lived in the castle, so there is no need whatsoever to feel emotionally or politically conflicted about that.
5. The song you will hear most Canadians sing today is “O Canada,” which goes: “O Canada, O Canadaaaa / How lovely are thy branches / we stand on guard for thee” and then is just beat-boxing after that.
6. Canadian men and women cease any intimate grooming rituals in late September, in honor of our national animal.
7. This is officially recognized in Stephen Harper’s annual fireside chat, in which Canadians take off their pants and listen to Harper, also pants-less, read Roch Carrier’s The Hockey Sweater live on CBC. He will cross and uncross his legs three times.
8. Thanksgiving happens at some point in mid-October, but Canadians are not told until two days before, to avoid anyone having a significantly better-planned holiday meal than anyone else.
9. This is because Canada is a Communist country, dating from the reign of our first female Prime Minister, Margaret Thatcher.
10. Canadians are usually high after five pm, but on Thanksgiving, they are expected to wake and bake, unless they drive our fleet of electric hybrid school buses, which transport Canadian children to their Waldorf community learning centers.
11. All Canadians invite a person of colour they do not know very well to their Thanksgiving dinner, and that person is expected to both carve the Tofurky and make the other guests learn the real meaning of Thanksgiving.
12. All Canadian people of colour invite a Canadian with albinism to their Thanksgiving dinner, which leads to a significant seasonal shortage of Canadians with albinism. There is a federal task force looking into solutions, and their first report is due in 2033.
13. Although Canadians usually engage in elaborate shifgrethor rituals to avoid conversational unpleasantness, they may speak freely between 3-4pm Newfoundland Standard Time (NST) on Thanksgiving Day. This was the inspiration for Seinfeld‘s “the airing of grievances,” which Canadians only openly express resentment about between 3-4pm NST on Thanksgiving Day.
14. Canadians who are Regular Married or Awesome Married (official federal style guide terminology for same-sex marriage) to non-Canadians can expect to receive spontaneous non-reciprocal oral sex on Thanksgiving Day. Failure to uphold this policy results in a week spent in a nice hotel in Quebec City, a place so cold and unpleasant that there has been no record of a second offense.
15. Canadian football, or “football” is to be watched on Thanksgiving Day. There are no concussions in “football,” and former players are automatically appointed to the Senate for life.
15. After midnight on Thanksgiving Day, the gathering of nuts and seeds for winter begins. In Canada, this task falls to men, while women bring down large predators with their bare hands, in keeping with the Canadian motto “A Mari Usque Ad Mare,” or “Turnabout Is Fair Play.”
Happy Thanksgiving.
Tags: canada, history, thanksgiving
This is the most wonderful thing ever written. I am filled with Thanksgiving joy!
Ahh this is the best! (Sorry about failing #2) But what do you eat for real is it still turkey and green beans and sweet potatoes &c?
…yes?
The only reason it’s in October is because the harvest starts earlier here, cuz you know, farther north.
Aw, that little question mark. If it makes you feel less North American Othered, Thanksgiving food traditions south of the border can have some pretty crazy regional (or just family-specific) differences. My smallish, WASPy, Texas-based family eats a radically different dinner than my husband’s huge, mostly Northeastern, Filipino family does.
Point being, it’s a reasonable question from down here.
CLARIFICATION: Yes, most white people do.
Don’t forget I am a clueless foreigner – I was raised with American Thanksgiving because my mum is American but most of what I know about it is from American TV seasonal episodes.
Oh, man. This is a question of complete ignorance since I have never had a Filipino family dinner, but: is there lumpia?
Wow I wish I’d been around to actually see these comments months ago. I’m gonna answer, anyway, because fuck it.
No! Sometimes there’s turducken, but I think that’s a novelty thing and they haven’t done it with me around. I think it’s interesting that people assume I’m implying ethnic cuisine, though! Mostly I’m differentiating because technically the first-generation-ers are children and new babies, so the Filipino family does more TV-traditional than my Southern, gravyfied family.
No one’s reading this but cool icon, what what.
/streaks
I got the email for this, so I’m reading it!
Honestly, I assumed ethnic cuisine just because I’m Vietnamese and I grew up with spring rolls in most family dinners and gatherings, regardless of what it’s actually for. That seems to be passing away a bit with my sister’s family, but I plan on having spring rolls everywhere. I think of lumpia having a similar place in Filipino family gatherings (who doesn’t like fried crunchy things?) but I’m fine with being mistaken.
My sister’s family tends to go more Southern (her husband is white and Southern) but also paleo because they just started Crossfit last year. My husband and I did Crossfit and ran through our “let’s be legit paleo and CF is the best thing ever!!” phase years ago (it’s a phase if you like CF) so we just rolled along with it.
Thanks for the icon love, and I’m glad you chose a sushi cat too! Think of what fun we could have all over the comments section! wheeeeeeeeeeee
Heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! I didn’t even know there was an email thingie. That’s handy. I only see replies on the intensedebate page.
Oh man, spring rolls for every occasion sounds pretty great. I was actually thinking more of the “white people” comment than the lumpia, but no offense was taken either way (ok a little tiny bit of offense was taken at the “white people” thing because of reasons). It honestly hadn’t occurred to me to think “Filipino food” and that was actually the interesting part to me? Maybe my family’s food culture is weird. I would’ve clarified if I’d known about email notifications, probably. You know what conspicuously Filipino food I see the most of at gatherings, though? Roasted pig heads. That, and a rice stick dish my MIL makes, but I’m not sure how to spell the name. But seriously, rice stick is never gonna beat out finding a roasted pig’s head at the “family reception” the day after your wedding. (Not that it was alarming or whatever, I just thought it was cool. I’m from Austin, so I’m used to finding uncooked pig’s heads in grocery stores in the right parts of town and always wondered what you do with it.)
Southern Thanksgiving can be so different from Northeastern Thanksgiving and I’m so fascinated by the idea of being able to do it paleo. Paleo’s not my thing because I have issues with food, but just the theory of it is interesting. I’m legit sitting here, thinking of ways to do it.
woo yeah sushi cat party A+
Your family food culture isn’t weird! Well, I feel like family cultures are always both weird and completely normal, you know? I’m assuming you ate some of the roasted pig head though.. how was it? Vietnamese engagement ceremonies and marriages tend to have whole roasted pigs as the star of the culinary show, but I’ve always stuck to the simpler/cowardly flesh from the body.
I’m just trying to think about how I might describe Southern, paleo Thanksgiving and I think it’s just the increased prevalence of vegetables (and the absence of grains and sugars) that sticks out. Collards and sweet potatoes are still in (thus making it decidedly not a more white and Northeastern* thing), nothing is nearly as sweet as it originally is in Southern cooking. There’s no baked mac and cheese but my sister made mac and cheese for the kids and I ate some anyway. ;D We’ll see how this evolves. When we have family meals with my husband’s family we just usually eat what’s there and don’t really worry about it being paleo since 1) we can eat gluten and 2) it’s one day out of the year.
*my husband is black and Northeastern, and everyone knows that soul food is Southern food anyway 😉 well maybe Southern food with a touch more offal..
That’s a pretty fair assessment of family food cultures, yeah. Pig’s head wasn’t bad! Just tasted like pork, really. I was told the whole hog would be present back in the motherland, but that there are too many logistical hurdles in your average New England kitchen. I don’t even buy chicken on the bone, so.
Now that you mention gluten, I guess my immediate family’s Thanksgiving is pretty heavily adapted, since my dad and I both have precursors to celiac (grandfather was gluten-free before gluten-free was cool — or anything but absolutely awful — because celiac nearly killed him in the ’90s, hooray for 21st century dietary bandwagons). But that’s just exclusion, so I don’t even think about it anymore — I mean, we’re still eating pie, it’s just a more complicated crust. I guess the paleo thing blew my mind because even our adapted food is SO UNHEALTHY and I can’t imagine it being any other way. What kind of wizard concocts a version of this meal that will not kill you, etc.
Haha! Your footnote is the exact reason I took some offense to “white people,” yes! Holy diverse family, though, Batman. Is there any kosher way to say that I get the warmest of fuzzies when people describe families like yours?? Just because my husband and I are such a novelty where we live (and in both sides of the family, save my brother-in-law and his wife all their thousands of miles away) and I get all fluttery when I remember that yes, cool, this happens elsewhere and is not a burp in the universe?!! I can’t think of an unweird to say that! Sorry.
My grandparents in Phoenix eat tamales for Thanksgiving. They’re white, so they get them from a local chef who makes them properly. I always like Thanksgivings there; low-key, minimal fuss.
My family in Northern California eat the traditional turkey/stuffing/cranberry sauce/mashed potatoes combo with the addition of yams, which I understand is perfectly normal Thanksgiving fare to some people and weird orange alien food to other people. These Thanksgivings are huge productions and if you so much as taste every dish you’ll be full before you’ve even gotten a bite of pie, which is incredibly disappointing and yet somehow never stops me or anyone else from eating the pie anyway, so also eventually very uncomfortable. And the leftovers, god…
A friend’s family traditionally eats a top-notch steak dinner instead of the seven-course turkey thing, and they actually save money. That one sounds like the smartest.
Trufax, Nicole: is Canada actually Karhide? Must the Prime Minister cross over the Gobrin Ice to assume office?
Also, how do Canadians know whether they are Regular married or Awesome married outside of kemmer?
A+
aw shucks
*standing ovation*
+1,000,000
“Awesome married!” I’m actually awesome divorced, but still.
You’re still awesome!
Why would you evoke the image of a pantsless Stephen Harper? I don’t even like seeing his uncovered FACE, never mind the rest of him.
Also, is that sweater still available for purchase anywhere? I think my fiancee would want it.
Fun fact: I googled “beaver wearing Canadian sweater,” hoping that would exist, and that sweater is what came up. It was a letdown, but not a tragic one.
One of my Dutch colleagues used to live in a student house with Americans and Canadians. She was very confused to find out that there were two Thanksgivings.
I am Canadian-American; I get two Thanksgivings;)
No one really discusses our difficulties with assimilation into American life. I count on you, Nicole, to bring this under-reported situation to light.
October is a much more sensible time for a harvest festival than late November.
shifgrethor ++++++++
Ikr? The Left Hand of Darkness is the best.
I got to teach it in an independent study last year, and basically all of our sessions consisted of my student and I going UGH WHY IS THIS SO GOOD
Everything is better with a LeGuin reference EVERYTHING
Phew, I remembered to tell my Canadian boss happy Thanksgiving! +1 for me.
I’m Canadian and I call it Canadian Thanksgiving.
Whoops.
I already said happy “Canadian Thanksgiving” to a coworker. Am I on the blacklist?!
I said “Canadian Thanksgiving!” in recognition as I was opening this page, and then immediately “Oops!” when I read the second line. Oops.
RE: #8 – are those people who freeze elaborate casseroles in late September, ready to bake and lay on a table laden with festive and fragrant foods, automatically deported, or is there a detention center where they can wait out the months until the next Thanksgiving rolls around, and be left in long lines waiting to buy the only un-frostbitten turkey like everyone else?
WHO DOES THIS??
Not my mom. Definitely not. Or my aunt. Would never occur to them.
Is it the weather or the people in Quebec CIty that are cold and unpleasant? My husband and I spent a lovely three days there many Augusts ago, but perhaps we were cunningly directed to an elaborate movie set.
RE #14- not to split hairs, but how can both partners expect non-reciprocal oral sex? Isn’t it automatically going to be reciprocated then?
They don’t both expect it! Only the Canadian partner gets it. I HAVE SOLVED A PUZZLE AT LONG LAST
Canada has never engaged in any bad colonialism-related behavior of any kind
Also, no slavery. Nope, never.
Definitely didn’t intern any ethnic Japanese residents!
[I read Obasan for a course in college.]
Of COURSE Gethen is based on Canada. Of course. I suddenly understand everything.
Also, this post kept me from referring to “Canadian Thanksgiving” in conversation with my Canadian coworker just now.
You have set me free.
I am so confused at thanksgiving. I don’t think any sort of party or anything ever happens when it comes around, mostly it’s just resting time for the three-day weekend.
… so you heard the special on CBC today pertaining to #11, which was REALLY ACTUALLY ABOUT recent immigrants using Thanksgiving to acclimatize to our weird-ass foods (canned cranberries: MENTIONED). Yes. That happens. Also this is hysterical. We salute you from 400 traffic fit for Alice Munro.
Thanksgiving is my least favourite holiday. All that damn cooking brings all the dogs into the igloo. The whole thing starts dripping onto the turkey and we end up cold turkey every year.
I don’t understand. When do the Canadians gather in large mobs in the early morning darkness to be the first to buy discounted electronics?
More urgently, when do they get all of their unholy Satanic rituals out of the way?? Black Tuesday just does not have the same demonic ring…
Boxing Day (Dec 26) is our Black Friday.
And just like Black Friday has crept up steadily to the point where it now starts on the evening of Thanksgiving, Boxing Day is already Boxing Week.
I don't understand. When do the Canadians gather in large mobs in the early morning darkness to be the first to buy discounted electronics?
My grandparents in Phoenix eat tamales for Thanksgiving. They're white, so they get them from a local chef who makes them properly. I always like Thanksgivings there; low-key, minimal fuss.
My family in Northern California eat the traditional turkey/stuffing/cranberry sauce/mashed potatoes combo with the addition of yams, which I understand is perfectly normal Thanksgiving fare to some people and weird orange alien food to other people. These Thanksgivings are huge productions and if you so much as taste every dish you'll be full before you've even gotten a bite of pie, which is incredibly disappointing and yet somehow never stops me or anyone else from eating the pie anyway, so also eventually very uncomfortable. And the leftovers, god…
A friend's family traditionally eats a top-notch steak dinner instead of the seven-course turkey thing, and they actually save money. That one sounds like the smartest.
+1,000,000
I said "Canadian Thanksgiving!" in recognition as I was opening this page, and then immediately "Oops!" when I read the second line. Oops.
More urgently, when do they get all of their unholy Satanic rituals out of the way?? Black Tuesday just does not have the same demonic ring…