A grown adult woman with a string of failed romantic relationships and shallow, unfulfilling friendships apparently takes a perverse sense of pride in her preference for animals to people, as if it were an accomplishment rather than a tragic, self-imposed limitation.
Alone in her apartment, the woman who was raised by an entire family of human beings who did their best chooses to surround herself with mute, helpless beasts that are certain to die long before she does, who depend upon her to meet their every basic need.
“Humans are overrated,” the actual human being said. “They disappoint you, they’re inconsistent, and they’re always critical,” she added, describing not only the fundamental human condition but also herself, yet said it in a way that made her seem exempt from it.
“You always know if an animal likes you or not,” she said. “They keep it simple. Not like people. You don’t always know with them.” Her inability to master the “social perception” phase of human cognitive development, which usually occurs between the ages of three and five, suggests a host of possible social disorders, or a fundamental lack of interest in considering the inner lives of people who are not herself.
“I love my pets,” the woman said, as if someone had questioned it, or as if this was somehow an unusual or praiseworthy way to feel about pets. “They never bother me with stupid questions. I can always trust them,” she said of the animals that were literally incapable of harming her, because her power and control over them was absolute. “They love me unconditionally,” she continued, seemingly unable to realize the irony of her statement in light of the fact that her last romantic relationship ended over three years ago in part due to her inability to treat her partner like someone who mattered to her emotionally and physically.
Most of the woman’s acquaintances and coworkers, when asked, described her as “hard to get to know” and “not always there if you need her, but a lot of fun under the right circumstances. If she gets to choose the circumstance.” She “doesn’t suffer fools gladly, or actually even smart people sometimes. If you cross her, that’s it. And if something’s not going the way she wants it to, she’ll let you know. She’ll definitely let you know.”
“My pets will never criticize or talk back to me,” the woman who was so lonely she believed herself happy continued, ruffling one of their ears. “They’re just easier to deal with than people.” While true, she seemed to take this as a legitimate excuse to give up on forming lasting, meaningful bonds with her mental and emotional equals. “I love them like other people love their children,” she said blandly, “if most children died at the age of nine and were happy to eat out of a bowl on the floor and never spoke.”
She has never picked anyone up from the airport. Even when directly asked, she has made up an excuse and stayed home to watch Netflix.
“It seems normal to me, to just give up on the possibility of making valuable, difficult connections with other members of my own species and sort of focus on dogs and cats for the next 40 years,” she continued. “I don’t think there’s anything hauntingly tragic in that.”
Tags: in criticizing this woman i am also criticizing myself, misplaced pride, my cat never judges me, my dogs are like my children, relationships, stunted emotional development
“if most children died at the age of nine and were happy to eat out of a bowl on the floor and never spoke.”
SERIOUSLY THOUGH.
Too close, Mallory. Too close.
(Except for the fact that I don’t even have a pet. So. I guess I’ll just lie down in a pile of books one day and wait for Death to wrap its cold, soft hands over mine.)
that actually sounds cozy tho
Yeah, but the books won’t devour you after you die.
(Wait. They won’t, will they?)
the woman who was so lonely she believed herself happy
thank you for writing my epitaph hahahahaahahahaahah i’m fine
also I’m bringing back chain letters by printing out like 20 copies of this and mailing them to Select People. “FWD TO 5 LONELY PEOPLE THEN U WON’T BE LONELY lol jk i hope ur cat eats u”
WHY can I not like this more than once??? AUGGHHHHH
:(((((((
Well, yes. But to be fair people are mostly the worst, and I’ve only ever had one pet that was an asshole.
Your pets aren’t criticizing or talking back because they can’t talk. My cat and I have a pretty good relationship but I’m pretty sure she murders me in her mind like 30 times a day.
Like when you’re not fast enough with the can opener, definitely murder.
lol “can opener” what is your cat a DUCHESS
what are you feeding your cat? (disclaimer: it’s been a while since I had a cat)
dry-ass pellets from a bag
word up
Yeah I gave up on the wet canned food, I knew it would never be enough.
also that hyphen placement is important, ‘dry ass-pellets’ raises some cringing question marks.
I think that’s rabbits.
Old cats with kidney issues require special “low protein” mixtures of canned cat-food-grade tuna (most recipes list people-grade chicken as the main protein, but I refuse to go this far) mixed with vegetable purees, some kind of fat and maybe some pureed rice. You will find this out.
Or ridiculously overpriced prescription canned food. I have found this out, too.
I would love to read the every comment section of every article written about cat food article. This made my day you guys!
(My cat gets wet food and kibbles as a treat. He also catches his own food too because he is a monster).
If Darwin eats too much wet food, he gets farty and gross poop-y
That reminds me of a German crime novel that’s written from the perspective of a cat, in which all the cats refer to their owners as “can openers.”
Yeah, I think my cat probably judges me all the time.
My cat may not be able to form words, but when I give him healthy all-natural canned cat food instead of the suspect kitty-crack dry stuff he criticizes me loudly and incessently.
Cats! Cats are always with the murdering and only occasionally in an effective manner. I prefer the cat to people but only on days she doesn’t bring home half-dead rabbits. I don’t know where she gets them, it’s a suburb.
oh, the suburbs are full of rabbits! or my suburbs are, at least.
All-dead rabbits are fine, as are the occasional donations of curly viscera in unexpected, squishy places, it’s the screaming that gets me.
Your cat has impressive rabbit-catching skills. My corgi wishes she was fast enough to nab one of the brood that lives in our back hedge, but it ain’t never gonna happen.
This comment is evidence that we live in the Cthulu mythos.
My cat “criticizes” me with her teeth, claws, meows and growls all the time. No power of speech needed!
“doesn’t suffer fools gladly, or actually even smart people sometimes.”
I am THAT bitter–or is it sour? Either way, pretty sure I have IBS: Irritable Behavior Syndrome.
I wish I felt this way about my dog, but he’s a needier asshole than any person I’ve ever met.
Are you my boyfriend? We literally refer to our dog as the needy asshole.
No, but maybe we should start a support group!
Yes, this. My friends don’t stand in the hallway and meow at 2am. Nor do they walk on my face when they want breakfast.
Maybe you have the wrong kind of friends.
It hurts when it’s true.
I prefer my dog over most people, BUT I always give people rides to/from the airport.
Word. To be fair, I would give my dog a ride to/from the airport if he needed it.
I know this person. She is in veterinary school right now.
Honestly I saw the headline and was expecting something about Temple Grandin, who teaches at my alma mater in their vet medicine program.
Also, I think because of the “save the cat” rule that is taught to all aspiring screenwriters and pounded home in all movies & TV, it’s been ingrained in my mind that anyone who really loves animals must be a good person, but that’s just not true. I mean, Hitler was a vegetarian.
They should teach that to novelists, too. I once slammed a novel shut, and never picked it up again, because a character backed over a cat in the driveway.
–Also, I gotta say, if Hitler was a vegetarian (http://www.foodrevolution.org/askjohn/47.htm), was it because he loved animals, or was he a health nut?
Ooh, according to that site I’m probably wrong about Hitler. It is interesting, though, that the supposed vegetarianism was part of his propaganda. Sounds like it was more about self-control than fuzzy feelings towards fluffy things, though.
Well, to be honest, I’ve always heard it was a myth, but then there was a story about his official food taster, who said it was true. This goes against all other evidence I’ve heard, like written recipes from a hotel at the time where Hitler dined and the cook made notes like “Herr HItler loves this squab dish” or whatever. But really, it doesn’t matter if he did practice vegetarianism because he loves animals, unless we want to grant the converse: People who eat animals couldn’t possibly love them.
Newt Gingrich is also a massive animal lover, so.
You heard about the time a penguin bit him, right? Made my damn week. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/04/16/newt-gin…
I SALUTE YOU, BRAVE PENGUIN.
That’s just fabulous.
I’m an editor. I forced an author to save a cat in a manuscript once.
*hits the Godwin’s Law gong, with gusto*
I know this is not about me because I have a boyfriend (who may have asked once if I would ever love him more than my cats even though he knew the answer). Also my name is not “crazy_catlady”. Whew….
Yeeeeaaaaah….. I’m going to just sit here and pretend that none of this hit home for me at all and that I in no way flinched at any point while reading this.
Also, my cat is an asshole. She peed all over me AND my bed the other day. Peed. On my bed. While I was in it. I’m not even sure I love my cats better than books, right this moment.
A friend’s cat once spent all night snuggling up to me and pretending to be friends while I was sleeping on the couch – just enough that I got used to him moving around and fell asleep, so he could SHIT ALL OVER ME WHILE I SLEPT. I woke up when I went to pull up the blanket and the horrific stench washed over me.
Assholes indeed.
I see a lot of people in the comments feeling bad that they could relate to this… whereas I just found it a positive affirmation of my lifestyle choices. I suppose that says a lot about me.
My cat goes out of her way to sit in such a way that her asshole is touching me. If it’s not when she first sits down, she will maneuver her butt so it is. My ex was a jerk a lot, but I’ll tell you this, I never came in contact with his god damn asshole.
Relevant to my life: I adopted a stray cat last week that wandered onto my porch? And she’s cute and all, but some of my crazy pet friends are all “YOU HAVE A NEW BABY!!!! WHAT A CUTE BABY!” and, NO. NOT A BABY, except in all the inconvenient ways like being a poop machine and being awake at all hours of the night making noise.
Yes, this might be an unpopular opinion, but people who talk about their pets as if they are children make me feel murderous rage. Not towards the animals, because I love them and want to pet and feed them all (except possums). Just the people.
Ugh, yes, none of the baby business. I adore my cat — my user name is one of the 800 billion nicknames I have for her — but she isn’t my baby nor am I her mommy. I don’t have any babies, I have a cat. She is *not* a person and thus only gets mildly annoyed when you leave her home alone for the weekend with big bowls of food and water for company.
Ouch.
Oh.
I’m gonna go over here and be sad now.
Does anyone know why sometimes the comment sections on The Toast look different and say you have to sign in or post a comment? Has this been happening to anyone else? It’s a weirdly intermittent thing. Sometimes this article comes up that way, for example, and sometimes it doesn’t. This has been happening to me for a few days now.
It’s been happening to me too! I don’t know why.
Probably why he broke up with you.
Ha! I’m self-centered and often too lazy for social interaction, but at least I don’t try to compensate by getting sentimental about animals?
This is so epic and incredible
I couldn’t believe my luck in finding this article. My adoptive mother is 76 years old and has 8 dogs living at all times in our house. They bark constantly, they shit and piss all over the place, and they basically rule the house. My mom has the same attitude regarding the deluded “Humans vs pets”. More or less word for word from this article is exactly how her mind operates. She’s overweight and lost all her friends because she’s miserable and insufferable to be around. I used to love having a small dog as a child all to myself, but women always find some stupid way to make everything worse at the expense of their so called “Happiness”, even if they aren’t anything more than absolutely miserable inside. I hate dogs now by the way, and I wish they’d all drop dead. Thanks for this article, can’t believe there are more crazies like that out there.
I have a dog called Jasper he is 13 years old. I have had other dogs and cats in the past. I think some people prefer animals to people in some cases because they have more empathy with the animal than human beings. This article about the woman’s relationship with animals is interesting she has been let down by some humans and has now made contact with animals who don’t judge her and demand her time and energy to the extent humans may have done and she is happy with animals now.