Previously in this series: Which girl is the most dead?
Men in rock songs want two things: they want women who act like children, and they want children who act like women. Send a man into a topsy-turvy world where infants tower in ten-inch stilettos and grown women sprawl on the ground helplessly, mewling for milk and diamonds, and he will be happy.
How old is Woman? Is she older than Time itself, or is she secretly just a child? Is she both? Is she everything? What does she need? To be held like a child? To be instructed like a child? To be fed and bathed and read The Dark is Rising to every night and allowed to go to summer camp if she’s good like a child? To be sent to grammar school promptly at 7:35 every weekday morning with her homework and an allergy-free lunch in her ergonomic bookbag like a child?
Woman is all of these things. But which Woman is most of these things?
Song: “Always a Woman”
Songwriter: Billy Joel
How much like a child is she?: “She can ruin your faith with her casual lies/ And she only reveals what she wants you to see/ She hides like a child, but she’s always a woman to me.”
Overall Hot Baby Quotient: She “takes care of herself,” which is a strike against her favor, because children are notoriously lax when it comes to being self-sufficient. Her smile can kill, but her face becomes significantly less lethal closer to the hairline, as her eyes can only wound. She is “ahead” of her own time, stranded somewhere in the timestream eons away from the world of her birth. She is old and yet young. She is a murderer who routinely slices Billy Joel. And yet on some level her Childlike Powers are limited in our mortal world — the “most” she can do is “throw shadows at you,” which suggests that her killing smile has no affect on human men. A curious case.
Song: “Hot Child in the City”
Songwriter: Nick Gilder
How much like a child is she?: “Danger in the shape of somethin’ wild/ Stranger dressed in black, she’s a hungry child/ No one knows who she is or what her name is/ I don’t know where she came from or what her game is”
Overall Hot Baby Quotient: This child is very childlike. She does not even have a name, although she is swathed in black. She is hungry all the time, and the narrator would like to have sex with her in his very own apartment. She runs with abandon and comes from nowhere. All the boys want to take her home, and her game is secret. Nothing about her makes any sense. She is a tiny, sultry puzzle in a city with no name.
Song: “She’s Like a Child”
Songwriter: Dyllon Marshall
How much like a child is she?: “She’s like a child that don’t know no better/ And I’ve been told that I’m no good to love her/ But that don’t mean a thing to me/ ‘Cause when she’s in my arms/ She’s all the woman that I need.”
Overall Hot Baby Quotient: One of the hallmarks of the sexy girl-child is not knowing what’s best for herself, and this particular girl-child doesn’t have a clue. He is bad for her, but she is too uneducated to realize this, and remains locked in his arms, trapped in a meat-prison of man-flesh. She is so sexy she cannot move. A very hot baby indeed.
Song: “Like a Child”
Songwriter: Tamyra Gray
How much like a child is she?: “She says love me/ Tell me you need me/ Just like it should be/ I am a child I am human / She says hold me/ Don’t set me free/ Always protect me/ Like a child only human.”
Overall Hot Baby Quotient: Many of the sexiest babies are in a great deal of sexy, sexy pain, and this child is no exception. More than anything, she longs to be put in prison, where she will be treated like a human.
Song: “Just Like a Woman”
Songwriter: Bob Dylan
How much like a child is she?: “Ev’rybody knows/ That Baby’s got new clothes/ But lately I see her ribbons and her bows/ Have fallen from her curls/ She takes just like a woman, yes she does/ She makes love just like a woman, yes she does/ And she aches just like a woman/ But she breaks just like a little girl.”
Overall Hot Baby Quotient: This woman cannot even keep a ribbon in her hair. She is a mess. Very childlike. Also, she is not impervious to pain and her bones are fragile. Very hot, this woman, whose limbs are constantly snapping and whose hair is falling limply to the floor.
Song: “Girl, You’ll Be a Woman Soon”
Songwriter: Urge Overkill
How much like a child is she?: “Girl, you’ll be a woman soon,/ Please, come take my hand/ Girl, you’ll be a woman soon,/ Soon, you’ll need a man.”
Overall Hot Baby Quotient: She has limited time left. Soon adulthood will come for her, and she will no longer be Interesting. He will watch her grow up. He has been watching her for a long time. Sexily.
Song: “Walks Like a Lady”
Songwriter: The Steve Miller Band
How much like a child is she?: “You know she walks like a lady/ But she acts like a child/ She can drive you crazy/ Yeah, she can drive you wild/ Talks like a baby/ But she looks like a lady to me.”
Overall Hot Baby Quotient: Face of a woman. Behavior of a child. Gait of an adult human. Voice of an infant. She is the complete package. Is she ten? Is she thirty-five? Is it illegal and unethical to have sex with her, or is it normal and fine and great? Follow her. You’ll find out. Then you will go mad, and be placed in an institution.
Song: “Young Girl”
Songwriter: Gary Puckett and the Union Gap
How much like a child is she?: “Young girl, get out of my mind/ My love for you is way out of line/ Better run, girl/ You’re much too young, girl/ With all the charms of a woman/ You’ve kept the secret of your youth/ You led me to believe/ You’re old enough/ To give me love/ And now it hurts to know the truth.”
Overall Hot Baby Quotient: Perhaps the hottest baby of them all. “Beneath your perfume and your make-up/ You’re just a baby in disguise.” A baby in disguise! How did she even develop the motor skills necessarily to apply makeup so cunningly? Most babies have trouble even unscrewing a lipstick tube. This baby has layers upon sexy layers.
Song: “Good Girl Gone Bad”
How much like a child is she?: “She ain’t nothin’ like you ever had/ Face of a woman, hands of a child, yeah/ Been a long time comin’, now she’s goin’ wild.”
Overall Hot Baby Quotient: A woman-baby Frankenstein on the brink of insanity. Her body has been cobbled together from various toddlers and tweens and women who have achieved sexual maturity. She’s out of control, but he knows the score. She did not wish to find love, but love was hiding in the back of his car, which she probably found sitting in her state-mandated rear-facing child’s carrier. Hot.
Winner: In a surprising upset, all of them. Each woman is a delicious soft-serve swirl of adult and eeny-teeny-weeny widdle baby, morphing into adulthood and then spiraling back into toddlerhood on a moment’s notice. They will all strike and stab and kick at you if given half a chance, but this will be almost immediately be followed up with some serious loving. Their hands and faces are the hands and faces of grown-up hot chicks, but their minds and voices are those of Li’l Baby Dumplin’. Enjoy your mix-and-match sexual treasures, fellas. Someday they will be older than you.
Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.