Should you ever find yourself in a fairy tale, try your very best not to become a merchant (tailors and traveling soldiers usually have better luck). Should you find becoming a merchant unavoidable, avoid having any daughters. Should daughters arise despite your most strenuous efforts, never bring them any gifts when you go on a long trip. It will inevitably prove fatal. Making promises in a fairy tale only ever ends in heartbreak, child abduction, or transfiguration. And what’s the return on investment? A single flower? Enough rampion to make a few salads? If you’re going to trade your most beloved child to a witch, make sure you’re getting something equally valuable in return. Learn from the mistakes you’ll read here. Negotiate aggressively. Why not ask for a magical oil can that never runs out? Or your daughter’s weight in gold? Or a wishing ring? Remember, you hold the most important bargaining chip of all: your precious daughter that an animal wants to get married to.
The Promiser: The traveling father in “The Singing, Springing Lark”
The Promise: To give the first thing that greets him at his front door to a lion.
The Catch: It’s his youngest daughter.
The Return On Investment: Not too bad. His daughter marries a lion, which later turns into a dove, but then even later turns into a prince.
The Promiser: Rapunzel’s father in “Rapunzel”
The Promise: Anything the witch asks for in exchange for all the rampion he can carry.
The Catch: The witch asks for his unborn child.
The Return On Investment: Unknown. He never sees his daughter again, but whether or not the exchange was worth it depends on how much rampion he can carry.
The Promiser: The Princess in “The Wonderful Sheep”
The Promise: “The Wonderful Sheep” is “Beauty and the Beast,” but with a sheep; the princess falls in love with the enchanted prince and promises to marry him just after she gets back from attending her sister’s wedding.
The Catch: She loses track of time and he dies from sorrow waiting for her.
The Return On Investment: Terrible. The last line of this story is “Even princesses are not always happy.”
The Promiser: Beauty’s merchant father in “The Beauty and The Beast”
The Promise: To bring his youngest daughter a single rose as a gift after his latest journey
The Catch: He snaps a rose off of the bush in front of the Beast’s castle; the Beast demands his daughter in exchange.
The Return On Investment: Not bad for Beauty, but not great for her father; he never sees his daughter again.
The Promiser: The miller (and later, the miller’s daughter) in “Rumpelstiltskin”
The Promise: That his daughter will spin straw into gold if the prince marries her; that she will give Rumpelstiltskin her firstborn child if he spins straw into gold for her
The Catch: She can’t actually spin straw into gold;
The Return On Investment: Excellent; the princess is allowed to keep both the gold and her child. Extravagant promises can work out, if backed by a web of elaborate lies.
Tags: fairy tales, promises, ROI
“She loses track of time and he dies from sorrow waiting for her” is a summary of every stress dream I have ever had, except “he dies from sorrow” is usually something much less tragic and far more surreal.
“She loses track of time and [misses the prom]” is mine. Still. I’m 25.
Boy, that Beast is a stingy bastard, isn’t he?
Idunno, you let one merchant steal a rose without demanding a daughter in return and soon everybody will be doing it.
Yeah, you let one merchant filch a rose, soon you’ll have sous-chefs crawling all over your garden, sourcing local ingredients.
WTF is rampion and what is its current market value? What if the man was carrying a large sack? Is rampion actually pot? Why does the man need this many greens?
The beginning of the green juice movement.
CHILD-SWAPPING HIPSTERS
According to Wikipedia: “This species was once widely grown in Europe for its leaves, which were used like spinach, and its parsnip-like root, which was used like a radish.” I found a source for seeds for $1.50/packet, so I am guessing that the market value is not particularly high, but who knows.
I always imagined it to be green onions. It’s not?
Well, I think the story goes that his pregnant wife was craving it so badly she was going to die if she didn’t get it. So I think that if we’re really going to be fair about it, we need to include her life in the equation as well.
So she gives up the baby in return for her cravings snack? Cold.
I’d rather have vegetables than a baby, but that’s just a personal preference.
Samesies.
I think the alternative was the husband dying. Witches do not take kindly to having things stolen from their gardens.
This all could’ve been solved with a Trader Joe’s.
I feel like he should have taken her claim less literally.
Yeah, if a pregnant lady is going to “die unless she gets X”, it is safe to assume that is hyperbole, and you should not break into the local witch’s yard.
Especially since she died anyway when the witch came and claimed the baby girl. Life is tough when you’re a greens-craving pregnant lady in a fairy tale.
In Philip Pullman’s Grimm’s fairytales retellings, he mentions that the plant in many of the stories is one used to induce miscarriages. So in a lot of versions, the subtext is that she’s asking for an abortion.
Ooh, that’s interesting. Changes things a bit.
Just throwing this out there–the Witch’s rap from Into the Woods is the best (and perhaps most definitive) treatment of this subject, and I commend it to all your collective and individual attention(s).
RIPPING UP THE RAMPION MY CHAMPION MY FAVORITE
(Sorry I’m contactually obligated to do that anytime I hear the word ‘rampion’ what were we talking about)
What if the fairy tale has been told by Angela Carter, usually then the princess turns into a tiger herself with drops of finest water that slide from her fur like rain. Or becomes a wolf.
Fairy tale dads! Always giving up their daughters at the slightest excuse. Never giving up their SONS I notice.
What sons? Who the hell has sons? Everybody in fairy tale land has fourteen daughters and no sons. No wonder they’re giving them away.
No, they always have at least three, the first two never amount to anything, it’s always the youngest who goes on to find the magic parsnip or cricket bat or grooming brush, and slay the princess and marry the dragon, or something like that.
OK, who else grew up reading Tatterhood and Other Tales? The Squire’s Bride, anyone?
The Promiser: the Miller in “The Maiden Without Hands”
The Promise: That he will give the “thing standing behind his mill” to a dwarf in exchange for abundant wealth.
The Catch: The “thing” is his daughter. Also he has to cut off her hands.
The Return on Investment: The miller gets to keep the abundant wealth, but his daughter can’t stand to live with him anymore. She marries a King and receives silver hands. Eventually, after a few plot twists, her hands grow back. Win win?
Germans, what can you do.
I honestly don’t see how being married to a lion is any worse than being married to a human man.
“I hope this one’s nice.”
I honestly don't see how being married to a lion is any worse than being married to a human man.
I have 4 of the Andrew Lang books. I need to go home and see which other ones I can find. My dad said he read a few to me as a child, got horrified, decided to stop, what with beheaded horses hanging above gates, witches flying on mortars, women being put in barrels full of nails and rolled down hills. There was one particularly gross illustration of a giant who has a sort of mesh floor with lots of dead severed bodies with gruesome expressions under it, and the little hero is hiding among them pretending to be dead while the giant is gnawing away on a piece of some other guy, but apparently I begged him to continue. And people wonder where I get my unsympathetic side. Oh! The one where giant bees are carrying away the princess out the window while the queen faints! Such good illustrations.
Different princesses versus bees, same theme: http://media-cache-ec0.pinimg.com/236x/db/ef/88/d…
Also this dog! https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-Ry1bDVOKC1w/UG…
Can’t find the ogre’s snack floor of dead bodies, guessing that scanners everywhere refuse to scan that.
I hope a business student googling “ROI” ends up here.